Love, Peace, and Children

November 4th, 2011

2011-11-04T13:02:00.003-05:00

The fact that is has been 13 months since last I even checked here, let alone posted anything, lets me know that the need for this in my life has passed. This blog was a mainstay of my routine for years, and then a haven for an occasional diatribe, lesson from God expounded upon, or just an update on children and life in general. As I write this now, with a cup of steaming decaf beside me, I can honestly say that the last year has been a blessing. Not that everything in it was a blessing, in fact some things were incredibly hard, but reflection causes me to give glory to God, Who has worked all things together for good. I came back here today to try to find my birth stories, and reliving that amazing time in my life has been cathartic. What a miracle, to have been blessed with four healthy, funny, individual, amazing children. I am beyond thankful. And beyond that, to have a devoted man walk beside me in loving them daily, is a divine benediction. And while I could write a long list of things that have happened in the last year, that, essentially is still where I am at. Loving my husband, loving my children, loving my God, and striving and learning all the time to do it better.

George will be 10 in a few months. Ian turned 8 in July. Grace will be 7, Claire will be 5, and of course Nathan and I exist in a timeless vacuum, where we do not age. :) School consists of 5th grade, mostly 3rd, 1st, and K4. I am doing some things the same, some things entirely new and differently. I am thankful for the opportunity to teach them right now. I know that this time in our lives will pass all too quickly, and I am so glad that I do not have to miss their days of learning.

I won't give a full update, I feel released from that responsibility here, it was never one I consistently achieved anyway. I will just end by saying, the Lord is good, and He is constantly opening up my eyes to the full measure of what that means. If I lived a thousand years as an ardent disciple, still I could not fathom all that belongs to that statement, the Lord is good. Our pastor said not long ago, "Aggressively trust in the sufficiency of the Lord." That is a high thing to live by, but I am grateful to be given the chance to try.

September??

2010-09-22T13:13:00.002-05:00

I'm just sitting here finishing up my lunch of sauteed mushrooms, tomatoes and kale. I love how the tomatoes become all juicy and the flavors of the mushrooms deepen and mix in bubbly wonderfulness with the tomatoes. The kale is just a green, crunchy undertone added in the last 10 seconds. Wonderful!!! Okay, we knew I was weird, and it doesn't bother me a bit if everyone else thinks this is a peculiar combination. It tastes great to me. The kids had wraps filled with mayo, mustard, broccoli slaw and radish sprouts. They love those. I usually put spinach in, too, but used up all my spinach over the weekend. Since I just had a "spare" moment (meaning I'm blocking out of my mind the forty eleven things I should be doing right now) I thought I'd blog. To catch up on what's been going on, here are some helpful bullets.

I put 5000 miles on my van in the last month, and enjoyed every minute of it.
We went to NH, Maine and Minnesota, which sadly did nothing for my state of contentment with my present location.
The boys and I climbed Borestone Mountain with my brother, nephew and his friend.
We swam (swum?) and fished in Greenwood Pond.
We had fun with cousins, grandparents, great grandparents, uncles, aunts and friends.
We saw several deer, a family of wild turkeys, a fox, a rabbit, an otter, lots of squirrels and birds, including the loon family that lives on Greenwood Pond that we could hear calling to each other every day. Grace said they sounded like zebras.
We wore sweatshirts and jackets and shivered.....and I greatly enjoyed it.
We went to Storyland, kids amusement park with my brother and family, it was wonderful! I especially liked hearing George and Ian's conversation "Ian, wasn't the Polar Coaster fun?" "No, it's the PolAH coaster, George, I heard Uncle Dan call it that."
We went to a mineral and rock mine with my parents. Before we left, my dad put on his tool belt full of rock tools and his backpack, and held his hand carved walking stick, while my mom said "Looks like you're all ready to go Kerplunking!"
We went to a train station and listened for the whistle and roar that would portend the coming of my other half and cheered when the train appeared, then hugged the head of our family too tightly. :)
We went to Queechee Gorge, which was beautiful and Sugarbush Farms, which was quaint and lovely.
We went to Niagara Falls, which I found incredibly underwhelming and just don't really see the attraction. Perhaps if it weren't surrounded my ugly, grimy tourist traps in an ugly, grimy city. I hear the Canadian side is better.
We stayed in Bemidji, MN, one of my favorite towns on earth, even without the wonderful family that lives there.
We loved on nieces, nephews, cousins, brothers, sisters, uncles and aunts.
We boated down the headwaters of the Mississippi.
Some of us went geo-caching, some walking downtown, some fishing, some running, some biking, some boating, some Nintendo wii-ing, some cooking, some baking, some grilling, some frying, all loving doing things together.
We took Grandma Marilyn out to Perkins and loved the evening we spent with her.
We fit 3 adults and 4 kids into a hotel room, and most everyone slept most all of the night
We got to stay at a huge, beautiful "hunting lodge" in deer country in Illinois. I can't wait to go back to that green, peaceful spot.
And we pulled into our driveway just as Dorothy said "There's no place like home" at the end of The Wizard of Oz

So, that, boiled down to a nutshell (as one of my favorite college profs used to say) was my last 6 weeks. Now I am home, started school up again, excited about fall cooking, trying new recipes, contemplating joining a gym, and rather impatiently waiting for the weather outside to match the calendar.

Here are some recent funnies from the kids:

I overheard Ian the other day, speaking in a sinister voice, pretending to be a bad guy "I like my evil fish with evil salt and evil lemon on it!!" I guess even bad guys need to eat, huh?

Claire came running to me the other day, yelling "I need a band aid!!" and sporting 2 very red knees. It took me about 10 seconds to realize that it was not, in fact, blood, but self inflicted................red marker "wounds".

Well, supposedly the kids are settled napping now, a rarity in our house these days, but I shall redeem the time and *try* to get some exercise in while watching "You've Got Mail"

Our Deepest Fears....

2010-08-08T20:40:00.002-05:00

A very wise friend shared this today from a book called "Our Deepest Fears" by Marianne Williamson. I have not read this book, but I intend to. This tidbit was too good not to share.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Ac...tually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

2010-07-19T07:34:00.002-05:00

Nate and I had a great talk last night, about life and our vision for our family and our finances and what the Lord would have us do with it all. This digressed into a talk about music (don't ask me how) which led into a talk about what I have been mulling over lately...see last post. And I just told him everything I was thinking about, and as always, it made me feel so much better to share it with him. I don't know why I fret so about talking to the man. I suppose that being in the hot tub with a glass of wine in hand helped us both to talk and to listen. ;) And in talking it out I was reminded of what the Pastor was talking about last Sunday in his discussion of Psalm 27.

The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? When the wicked, even my enemies and my foes came upon me to eat up my flesh, they stumbled and fell. Though a host should encamp against me, my heart will not fear: though war should rise up against me, in this will I be confident. One thing have I desired of the Lord, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord, and to inquire in his temple. For in the time of trouble he shall hide me in his pavilion: in the secret of his tabernacle shall he hide me; he will set me up upon a rock. And now my head will be lifted up above my enemies who are around me: therefore will I offer in his tabernacle sacrifices of joy; I will sing, yes, I will sing praises unto the Lord. Hear, O Lord, when I cry with my voice: have mercy also upon me and answer me. When you said, Seek my face; my heart said to you, Your face, Lord, will I seek. Hide not your face far from me; put not your servant away in anger: you have been my help; do not leave me or forsake me, O God of my salvation. When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take me up. Teach me your way, O Lord, and lead me in a plain path, because of my enemies. Do not deliver me over unto the will of my enemies: for false witnesses are risen up against me, and such as breathe out cruelty. I would have fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he will strengthen your heart: wait, I say, on the Lord.

I don't know if all my "issues" are rooted in fear of man, but I suspect a good deal of them are. And the antidote to this is to have a greater fear of God. Not that these are in any way the same kinds of fear. One should not fear a loving father, but you may fear to disappoint him. You would not cower before the One who loved you enough to die for you, but you should fear living in such a way that makes that sacrifice seem unappreciated. Understanding what the Lord has said, how much He truly loves us, and values us, should induce a spirit of glad hope. We should be more focused on what He thinks about us, then what we, or anyone else may think.

Proverbs 14: 26-27 says "In the fear of the Lord is strong confidence: and his children shall have a place of refuge. The fear of the Lord is a fountain of life, to depart from the snares of death." Just another of the beautiful paradoxes of the Lord...how could there be confidence in fear?!?!? BUT, it is the kind of fear and what you are fearing, that makes the difference. A place of refuge....from whatever it is you are fearing right now. And this beautiful fear of the Lord, this understanding, this reverential respect for His words that leaves no room for doubting them...this is the answer to my struggle, to not liking the person that God made me to be. I just need to know His words, and believe them, knowing that He is above me, beyond me and I can only trust Him and cling to His promises, set upon a rock above all that would threaten to tear me down.

2010-07-10T14:13:00.002-05:00

I do this thing, where I just subconsciously start to talk like whomever I am talking with. Nate laughs at me, he can guess who I'm talking to on the phone. I think everyone does this to a certain extent. I find myself mimicking the gestures and sitting/standing positions of whoever I am with. I repeat phrases they say in conversation, only when I am in conversation with them. And when I am by myself, I wonder sometimes what I would talk like if I were talking with *me*. I endeavor to make people comfortable, and I'm probably not alone in just wanting to "fit in." I always assume that if I were to act "like myself" (for lack of a better term) I would offend someone, or they would see the "real me" and not like what they see. I have a hard time making a purchase without a second opinion, I just don't trust my gut enough. I have always been this way. I think that if I allowed myself, I would be better at many things that I falter at now. I always hesitate to say I'm right because well, what if I'm not? Is it a fear of being wrong that prompts me to pretend I don't know?

I think everyone goes through the maturing process differently. Some people "know" themselves when they are only a child. Some people constantly reinvent themselves. Some people never change. I can look back and see the changes in my life, in my perspective, and in my understanding of what it means to live in the grace of God. This is a lesson I am still learning. Every once in a while, on this journey, though, the Lord reaches down and opens my eyes to a bright understanding of some facet of His love or grace.

A big part of this is in accepting myself. *Wow, it's hard just to write that* I think maybe my emulation of others stems more from the fact that I think if I try hard enough, I can just become like them, instead of being like me. I have never accepted the person that I am, never really wanted to be comfortable in who I am because, well, I don't like that person. I'm not talking about my sin nature, no one should like that, and it should be constant struggle to yield to the Spirit in conquering that. I'm talking about my likes and dislikes, the way I talk, the way I walk, the way I look, the way I sleep, the way I laugh, things like this. Things that make me who I am, the things that God did on purpose when He was making me. I think I just have never wanted to face up to the bald fact that I have always believed that God made a mistake when He made me.

Saying it like that opens up a world of true cliches that unfortunately most Christians have been desensitized to. God doesn't make mistakes; You are made in God's image; He formed you in your mother's womb, etc. Yes, I know all this is true. Well, more accurately, I believe I suffer from a shocking degree of self aggrandizement that believes this all to be true for everyone but me. *maybe that is the root of all the trouble, I think I'm exempt from it all for some reason* Anyway, I will be the first to tell a person how special they are, how beautiful they are, how wonderful, how their specific personality, looks, temperament, etc was designed by God, and being comfortable in that gives Him glory. Why can't I say this to myself? Why, every time I see a picture of myself in a group of people do I curl up in pain inside and hate what I see? I can see all the beauty on the other people's faces, the twinkles in their eyes, their beautiful personalities shining through, and when I can stand to look at myself in the picture, all I see is my foolishness, my ugliness, my stupidity.

Most of the time, I do not think about this, it never reaches the level of my conscious thought, I am used to avoiding looking in the mirror, used to pretending I am someone else in my mind so I don't have to confront all my shortcomings. But, sometimes, as I said, the Lord holds my head still, my eyes open and filling with tears as He confronts me with the truth. And the truth is, that in not accepting myself, I am calling God a liar. I am saying He isn't good enough, what He did isn't good enough, and He did something wrong. That's all there is to it. I could go into reason after earthly reason why I might be "suffering from low self-esteem" or that I am a victim of being teased and made fun of as a child and never recovered. Blah blah blah....who isn't? I don't think that my hurts run deeper than anyone else who has seen similar circumstances.

So now, being aware of this, well, being confronted with it with no chance to worm my way out with denial (as is my wont) where do I go from here? How do you change something in the very fiber of your being, even knowing full well that continuing in it is not an option any longer. How does that play out practically? For me to all of a sudden act as if I did *like* and accept the person I am, not focusing on my faults, but learning to appreciate my personality, my manner, my looks, my natural inclinations.....what would that look like? What would change? It makes me feel as if a crushing weight were on my chest to glimpse the possible freedom that could come from this very inward shift of thinking, but it makes me scared. It makes me think, as I have so many, many times before "What if I'm wrong?" what if I act as if I am a valuable, special, uniquely created by God on purpose to be the way I am~ person and then I find out that ......I'm really not?? Again this would suppose that God is wrong, and on this one thing I can depend....God is never wrong. For me to really, truly, experientialy believe this, though, means that I can not continue to live as I have been, if only in my own mind.

And what brought this on?? Music in my head. And thinking about music that I like, and thinking about friends I have who either wouldn't approve of or just plain wouldn't like the music that I like, so, I never mention it. And there are so many areas like this. Me, all by myself, might like a style of music, or movie, or schedule or something, but unless someone else says they like or approves of it first, I feel constrained to hide it, and just add it to the list of "things about me I don't like" because, well, no one else likes them so I naturally assume I must be wrong for liking them.

I have times in my life when I decide to ignore this feeling inside, and make an effort to "be myself" or to be comfortable with myself, to like myself. And then, after awhile, I feel guilty, and I feel stupid, and I feel sure that the Lord and everyone else is ashamed of me, if they spare me a thought. And the rest of the time, I work hard at keeping up the facade that I am a laid back person who doesn't struggle with things like this. Most of the time I do a pretty good job of fooling at least myself. ;P

I think women in general struggle with this more than men. Maybe it's the male ego, or what have you, or the fact that a woman can be reading a cookbook, planning a grocery list, doing laundry, correcting homework, plucking her eyebrows and still be thinking about how much she wished that her stomach didn't have quite so many stretch marks. I don't know. I don't think I'm the only one who struggles with this, and if I'm not, and if you read this, (my tongue is in my cheek here at the thought of the millions who read my never updated blog) how then do you proceed? How do you live out practically the belief that God made you the way He did on purpose and that accepting this gives Him glory??

Oscar Wilde said "Be yourself, everyone else is already taken." I've always loved that, and felt it to be one of those unattainable pieces of wisdom people aspire towards vainly. Maybe it isn't an empty thought, though.....

New love and It Can't Be Monday. :)

2010-03-08T15:43:00.002-05:00

Here's what I said to Nathan:

"I love you Dear, BUT, I've found someone new. His name is Art. He's younger than you, he never looks at other women, in fact, I'm the only woman that he lets touch him. He does whatever I ask him to, whether it's choping, mixing, shredding, slicing or pureeing. He's black, deliciously black and beautiful. He might get dirty working hard serving me, but I can just throw him in the dishwasher and he comes out shiny and clean. Last night I said to him "Cuisin, my love, how did I ever get along without you? You've made my life so much easier and more fun. Because of you, I can make soup, hummus, stirfry, lemon slices, focaccia dough, and a multitude of other wonderful things, all with mere seconds spent." No offense, Nate, but you could never be to me what Cuisin Art is. Don't worry, we're very happy to stay here with you. The three of us can be something beautiful."

So, yes, I am in love with my wonderful new food processor, a 14 cup Cuisinart. I got it on Friday. So far I've used it to make garlic and spinach stuffed twice baked potatoes, Jamaican tomato soup, stir fry, and tonight I'm making roasted red pepper hummus (which is fabulous with blue corn chips from Target., by the way). It's black chrome and super heavy. It shreds fresh herbs super fast, purees garlic and shreds beets, carrots, and anything else I want it to. It can also slice potatoes for chips, knead dough and is a snap to put together and clean. And, the best part, I got it on a HUGE sale, combined with a 30% off coupon which made it less than half the original price, and when I called Nate to ask him about it he said "Go for it!" without any equivocation. That was such a blessing! It's my early Mother's Day, Birthday, Anniversary gift. :)

In other news, this morning while Ian was doing his reading lesson, he turned to me and said "You know who I love more than anyone else in the whole entire world?" I was thinking it would be Bandit, or maybe Daddy, or Lily, his cousin. But no, he went on to say "It's you, Mama!" It was so sweet, and totally unprovoked, just a beautiful random Ian-ism. Like last week when I was reviewing his vowels with him and said "a-e-i-o-u" and he said "OOOOH, I-O-U, like 'I owe you a cow!'" Like this a commonly used phrase. Yeah. Most of the time his random wanderings are pretty out there and you don't know what he's talking about, but this time was wonderful. It totally made my day. Other things that made my day, in no particular order:

Feeling the sun on my face outside with Claire this morning
Having our first picnic of the year on our picnic table by the sandbox
Watching the fat brave robins hopping and pecking out on my lawn
Seeing the fencing in the back yard that Nate is going to put up so we can do a garden.
Happy memories of last night, food and fellowship and fun with friends and family. fffffff
Only having to spank Grace once so far today. (Seriously, this is good)
Noticing George sign his Science paper "George the Magnificent."
Looking forward to reading before bed tonight "On the Way Home", Laura Ingalls Wilder's journal on her trip to Missouri
Hearing Ian zip through his reading lesson this morning, then later him telling me that what he learned in Science today was that "There are 12 foot long worms that live in South Dakota, um, I mean Africa."
Eating leftover Jamaican Tomato Soup and GSTB potatoes
Going over plural and proper nouns with George. English makes me happy.
Doing a Hello Kitty puzzle with Grace
Sauteed kale and mushrooms with my eggs this morning. It's amazing how much better I feel all throughout the day when I have kale for breakfast.
Talking to my brother this morning, sharing jokes only he and I would understand and laughing til we cried
Planning a trip to visit said brother and wife and wonderful sweet children, including my precious neph Egan, who called me a few weeks ago and said "Auntie, can you come to my birfday??" Who could say no to that??
Seeing my boys make connections from Old Testament prophets to their lives now.
Clean, fresh, flannel sheets on my bed
Saying "Aahh" when walking into my clean bathroom, instead of my normal "Man, I really need to clean up in here!"

It's just been way too fun of a day to be a Monday, or rather, I suppose opening my eyes to the blessings around me makes me aware of the many gifts the Lord gives me on a continual basis.

Balance??

2010-03-04T13:08:00.002-05:00

I'm not sure why my urge to blog has been so scarce lately. Perhaps it's just a symptom of where we are at right now. I don't feel like I have much time for anything extra, beyond school and all it entails and keeping up with the house. If it weren't for church and Awana, I don't think I would hardly ever leave my house. I'm certainly not complaining, I like it that way in some ways. I think God is just really refocusing my attentions on getting my schedule and schooling and interactions with the kids where they need to be, and it is a process! I am loving where we are at right now, loving teaching and helping them learn and watching them get excited about it all. I am loving all the snuggles I can get out of my not-so-little "baby" Claire-Bear. I am loving playing games with them, reading to them and starting new things with them. I am also really loving finding my new niche in cooking and giving healthy yummy meals to my family. We have changed so much in our diets, but I have never before enjoyed all the fun new ways to have things and the trying of new things.

So, I am so thankful for my life right now, but it seems that it is all enclosed within my four walls. Nate has even been going grocery shopping for me on Wednesday nights with Claire while the three bigs and I are at Awana. I keep getting little pricks of well, conviction is not the right word...maybe guilt? when I realize how inward focused I am getting. Not that taking care of my home and family is in any way wrong. I believe it is a Biblical mandate, but sometimes I am shocked to discover that I haven't called friends in weeks, that I haven't kept up with what other friends are doing, that it's been months since I have gotten together with friends. I think I am still trying to find a balance between being faithful to what the Lord has called me to at home, and also being faithful to be the friend I should be to the wonderful friends the Lord has blessed me with. I have a long way to go.

And now, on top of all that, I have been really itching to get back into a regular routine of exercise. I have so many times started out gung ho and energized and expecting so much of myself that burnout is just inevitable. I don't want to do that this time. I don't want to feel I have failed if I am not shaking with exhaustion when I get off the treadmill. I want to be satisfied with whatever few minutes I can devote to it and NOT make it more of a priority than it should be, while still giving the time and attention to it I need to. Again, finding a balance here is so hard for me. I have moments when I laugh at myself and think "How old are you? Have you not figured this out yet?!?!?" But in some ways, I think I had an easier time of it when I was younger. I never felt the weight of responsibility that I do now, nor the consequences of failure. Yet another thing I need to lay at the feet of the cross. I know the Lord holds the balance, the peace I am striving for. And yet, too often, turning to Him for help is a last resort, after I have fallen on my face, instead of an automatic impulse, being fully aware of my incompetence at the beginning.

Well, I must go corral the youngins' and get them fed. The boys still have their reading for the day to do and Bible. And maybe the girls will nap and I can walk on my treadmill for a little while?? We shall see. :)

Monday!

2010-01-25T17:18:00.003-05:00

After having a mystery fever and dizziness and extreme exhaustion for three-ish days last week, then feeling great for two and a half days, only to get a 24 intestinal bug OR food poisoning, I am hoping, perhaps, to stay sick free for good now! Crossing my fingers and praying that I can be functional at least, and energy filled at best for the remainder of this week. I have a lot to do, including getting ready for our trip to the Dominican Republic in 6 days, catching up on laundry, growing bacteria in petri dishes, going over the parts of speech, reviewing the "er" and "ar" sounds with Ian, teaching reading with Grace, and I still haven't decided if I should start the boys on their new math books or let them have a longer break from them. Most of all, I just want to spend every minute I can loving on my kids and praying that our time away from them will not be hard on us all. I am excited for this trip, for what it means to Nathan, for the relaxation aspect of it, and for the alone time it will afford us. I have been praying for the incredibly brave and kind family that will be caring for the children while we are gone and I hope it will be a time of fun, somehow, for them all.

We went to El Charro yesterday for the first time in about 6 months, and I have a strong feeling that is where my stomach distress came from yesterday and this morning. I stuck to my vegan-ism, but definitely felt different when leaving. Speaking of veganism, I've found a wonderful website that has all sorts of great recipes. By now are you saying "What?? Vegan....what?!?!" Yes, I, we, have decided to transition to not eating animal foods. This has been coming in stages, and the feeling in both Nathan and I that our diet needs to change has culminated in our reading an amazing book, The China Study, by T. Colin Campbell. We are still in the transition phase and have some dairy stuff still in our house, but when it runs out, we are done. We will probably still have turkey on Thanksgiving, or eat animal products if we go somewhere, but for our house, for the majority of our diet, we are sticking to fruits, veggies, grains and nuts. In short, we're becoming plant eaters. And feeling good because of it. Nate has lost 7 pounds, I have lost 4. At first I really felt awful and thought this was a horrible idea, but besides the random flukiness of the two recent ailments, after a few weeks animal product free, I have recently begun feeling an energy I haven't felt in years. My asthma isn't bothering me, and I have even begun to think about running again. Nate says he has more energy than he knows what to do with, and we are both sleeping better. It has come quietly about that we are on this path now, and just seems to make so much sense for us. I am thankful for the knowledge the Lord has laid in our path, and hope it can contribute to a healthier future.

And it feels SOOO good to be on the same page as Nate on this. I never would have thought that my meat and potatoes husband would choose to do this, but he began it before I did, and is doing great on it. So, now I am in the process of trying to figure out how and what we should eat. Soup and salad and bread are wonderful, but I am looking to expand our horizons here. Today I printed out a recipe for Creamy Peanut Kale, which looks great. We have been consuming kale like crazy around here, after finding out how incredibly good for you it is (a star of the cruciferous family) and how dirt cheap it is...cheaper than green leaf lettuce and cheaper than iceburg sometimes. My current favorite is to saute it with fresh mushrooms and eat it on couscous, but I'm hoping the peanut recipe pans out. (pun intended, hehe) I also printed out vegan recipes for Cinnamon Raisin Scones, Roasted Beet Ravioli with Sage Pesto Sauce, and Hearty Tomato Soup. Something that has so increased my enjoyment of eating well is discovering the delights of combining fruits and veggies. I almost always have a sliced apple on my salad now, and have had delicious salads of sprouts, kale and mango, as well as shredded beet, shredded apple and greens. That burst of sweet flavor against the backdrop of an earthy crunch of cruciferous is just lovely. I really think my taste buds have become more sensitive. I was actually craving celery the other day. Celery!!! I never used to like celery, I thought it was tasteless and boring, but recently, it just explodes with crunchy, juicy flavor. Hummus has become another staple, and as much as Nate complains about my garlic breath, I can't get enough of it. I have discovered though that it is so not worth my time and the few cents it will save to rinse and soak and rinse and cook and cook and cook and rinse and set the garbonzo beans from dried, as opposed to opening a can and pureeing them for my hummus. There are some things that I don't mind doing the easy way! Dried beans are much cheaper, and getting into a routine of soaking them and cooking them I think will be in my future, for sure, but the garbonzos...canned for me, please!

The kids are doing well, getting over a little sniffle, but well for the most part. Ian has lost two teeth in front, and the one top left one is loose, which gives him a friendly, snaggle toothed appearance which sometimes makes me giggle. George's top two are growing in well, finally, although I just see dollar signs when I look at his mouth, I think we are in for some expensive dental work there. Speaking of George, I was just so proud of him this morning. I was feeling so wiped out, and he volunteered to make breakfast and lunch for everyone (he helped me) and reminded the kids to be quiet and was just so sweet. I am so thankful for my children and all their varied personalities. What a blessing to be able to be with them at this time in our lives. Speaking of the children, I should really go and be with them, the girls are up from their nap now and the boys nintendo time, although well earned from much picking up, needs to come to an end.

December already?!?

2009-12-09T16:24:00.002-05:00

You know, there are so many times that I blog....in my head. :) And from the disparity in the date from this post to the last, you may infer that that's the only blogging that has been going on around here. Perhaps another reason I haven't written is that besides just plain business of life with four young children, when things are going swimmingly, I don't always feel the "need" to get it all down. This is an unfortunate result of my thinking patterns~ when I am struggling, I feel a conscious need to see my thoughts, perhaps translating them into words to find some meaning in the mayhem. BUT, when my life is so full of blessings, and the left part of my brain is functioning well, I can get by with mentally cataloging, and distance myself from the written word and get by without participating in it. And there is another reason for my semi-hiatus from the blogging world. As you can see, my last post was the day before my longed-for trip to Scotland. And then I was there, amidst it all, loving every minute, soaking it all in, and then we were home again. And I didn't want to admit that it was over, which writing about it in the past tense would indicate, and in a strange way, I felt that it was so special, so personal, I felt a reluctance to share my treasured memories of this once in a lifetime journey of discovery and fun and wonder that I took with my best friend. And now I am in the thick of the Christmas and Birthday season, caught up in a whirl of holidays and festivities and family and so happy to be here. But, I have finally been given the time, at the same time as I had the brain power and the children's cooperation, to write for a bit. This is all to say that "I am here, I am excited about sharing all that has gone on and I am planning on becoming more faithful to recording not only my angst and wonderings, but truly, my blessings, as this blog was created to expound upon." So, to the 2 or 3 people who read this, "Hi!!!!" or should I just say "Hi Tammy!!!" and I will be back soon, I promise!! :)

Sunday night!!

2009-08-09T21:29:00.002-05:00

T-minus 2ish days til "The Trip". My laundry is done, my house is cleanish, my lists are made, my plans are made, the suitcases are out. Tomorrow I am buying wheat and honey and cat litter and dropping things off at the consignment store. Then I am doing my last packing and repacking and crossing things off lists and making new lists and remembering to pack what I forgot to put on the lists and forgetting to pack what is written in bold, underlined, and circled on the lists (hopefully not). Tuesday, Nathan will be HOME and we will go to the airport with four dressed up children (they want to be in disguise to surprise Grammy- I'll give you three guesses as to which giggly 4 year old thought up this idea) and pick up my mother. Then we will go over The Buchan Care Manual~ better known as "General Guidelines as to the feeding, care, and schedule of four miniature wild Buchans", settle the best mother in the world into her new home for the week and go to sleep (hopefully), then wake up and in the afternoon, go to the airport ourselves (or more accurately, talk someone into taking us to the airport) and then it will be upon us. The only snag in this plan is that I am still sick with a sinus and chest cold. I am doing everything you are supposed to do to get over things, and still it has lingered. I am just praying that it goes away and soon. And now, in the interest of my floundering immune system, I will go to bed, and try not to stay up too late reading "They shoot canoes, don't they?" :)

I should have written sooner...

2009-08-01T14:50:00.002-05:00

......about the amazing, incredible, God-ordained beauty that is.......our trip to Scotland. You know, the trip we've dreamed about, thought about, planned out, had our hearts set on, thought would actually never REALLY come together or be possible??? Yup, that trip. Yup, we're going. I still feel a surreal sense of wonder when I say that. Many different factors went into the decision for us to go, including an insane sale on Airtran tickets that allowed us to buy my mom a ticket down here, and of course, her extremely generous willingness to come watch our wild children while we are gone; getting Claire's SS card finally, and being able to do our taxes and getting back almost twice what Nate had estimated (and this was just weird because usually he knows our finances to the penny, he was really surprised); getting some really great commission checks, having rewards money on credit card that covered car rental and gas, and several other really "Divine deals". But, what preempted all of that was some dear wise friends encouraging us to go see the movie UP. I know, you're thinking..."Uh, what does a Pixar movie have to do with going on a ridiculous vacation?" Well, go see the movie and then you'll see. Nathan said he wants to take me to "our Paradise Falls." :)

So, on August 12th, after my mother arrives on the 11th, we will board a plane in Atlanta and fly a bajillion hours to Edinburgh, by way of Amsterdam and arrive in the land of glen and loch and munro at about 10:30 in the morning. There, we will rent a car and I will laugh uproariously and also pray for safety as Nathan drives a stick shift on the wrong side of the road out of the city of Edinburgh. We will head north where we will eventually arrive at an undisclosed (to me) location after taking in several points of interest along the way. Nathan is doing this just like our honeymoon. I know we are going, but I won't know the actual details of the locations until we get there. He just keeps saying "Man, I really want to tell you about this.....but I won't." :P There we will spend three nights, going out every day to planned excursions which will include seeing lots of different castles, looking for long lost relatives in graveyards and kirk lists, among other things. We'll visit the battlefield of Culloden, where so many brave highlanders lost their lives in the doomed effort to follow Bonnie Prince Charlie to his throne and establish their independence from the sassenach English. Then we will drive to another bed and breakfast (this is my guess, I suppose we could be staying in a tent) for two nights, and I think from here we will travel to the Isle of Skye among many other amazingly beautiful places. Nathan really wants to watch the sun set over the ocean. Then travel south for another night somewhere else, planned excursions, and I think this will be the day we "bag our munro" (climb a small mountain), then farther south for our last night in accomodations, then back to Edinburgh, where we will party til late in the night because our flight leaves at 4ish in the morning. We return the 21st, which is actually the day of our 10th anniversary. We will touch back down on American soil at almost exactly the time we were wed a decade ago. While we are there we will also get our picture taken with Nessie (or at least the statue of her by the visitors center at Loch Ness) re-enact part of Monty Python and the Holy Grail, since it was filmed in Scotland ("Silly English Knnnnights!!") eat oatcakes, bannochs, scones, cullen skink and possibly even haggis, have a wee dram of some real Scottish whisky (no "e" in Scotland), and I will try my best to get a picture of Nathan in a kilt.

Also, amongst all the fun we will be having seeing and being in historic places, castles, bed and breakfasts, taking pictures, walking and all, of course we will be without our children. Now, this makes me take a breath, and have to really trust God, and settle my heart. I have never been away, and certainly not this far away, from my kids for this long. I am not worried for their safety or their enjoyment while we are gone, they couldn't be in better hands than my mother's. I need to mentally make the leap that this is okay before I go, though. I will miss them, and it will certainly be strange to be without them. On the other hand, though, besides 24 hours when Grace was a baby, this will be the first time that we will be alone, together, without me hugely pregnant, ever since we had kids. It makes me just stop and think and smile. IF I can get over the fact that we will be millions of miles (okay, it will just feel like that, I know) away from the children, I know we will enjoy it- just the beauty of being with each other, no one, nothing else to take care of or pay attention to than each other. And the fact that this is a celebration of the fact that the Lord has brought us through 10 years of marriage together. That is amazing to me. If I stop and reflect on that fact, I am just in awe of what the Lord has gotten us through, how He has grown us, through circumstances that neither of us ever would have chosen, let alone thought we could get through. And here we are, closer than we have ever been, about to embark on a new facet of our life together, and leaning on the Lord and thankful for all He has given us. What a blessing.

And now, completely apart from anything having to do with Scotland or anniversaries, I wanted to copy something my wise English friend Zoe posted on Facebook today. She is a veritable fountain of knowledge of old, beautiful prayers and blessings, and here is another one. I will leave you with this:

A Franciscan Benediction:

May God bless you with discomfort

At easy answers, half-truths, and superficial relationships

So that you may live deep within your heart.

May God bless you with anger

at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people,

So that you may work for justice, freedom, and peace.

May God bless you with tears

to shed for those who suffer pain, rejection, hunger and war,

So that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and to turn their pain into joy.

And may God bless you with enough foolishness

to believe that you can make a difference in the world,

So that you can do what others claim cannot be done

to bring justice and kindness to all our children and the poor.

Amen Amen Amen

Thankful for the body of Christ I am a part of

2009-07-14T09:37:00.002-05:00

There are a lot of things going on in my life right now, but today, I just wanted to write a responce to an article that I read online. Here is the link to the article:

http://www.leadingsmart.com/leadingsmart/2009/06/hey-churchtheyre-just-not-that-into-you.html

When I first read this, my initial thought was "That's not how church is" But then I stopped and smiled and realized AGAIN, how incredibly blessed I am to be a part of the body of believers I call my church family. Because for most of my life, that WAS how church was, that is how church is to so many. Three weeks ago, our pastor preached a sermon on law and grace, and talked about this: "the list" that keeps Christians feeling like they constantly have to be striving, not measuring up, not succeeding, and how that is not what Christ had in mind for us. We should be serving, we should be loving and involved, but as an outpouring and result of love for the Lord, not fear of not living up to standards put in place by fallible humans.

Part of what drew us to our church 6 years ago was the atmosphere of love, which we had experienced before, but only as a draw to get us to sign up for "the list". What keeps us drawn to our church family was seeing for the first time that this love was genuine. We were loved just as much if we didn't make it to Wednesday night service, or sign up to work in Awana, or head up a hospitality group. There was no condemnation, there was no guilt, there was no looking down at us. We realized that the pastor meant it when he talked about personal accountability to the Holy Spirit (instead of him trying to fill that role as so many pastors we had known tried to do). He preaches unabashedly straight Scripture, not Scripture with our denominational or cultural traditions thrown in.

What this translates into is our praying for other churches in the community, instead of comparing ourselves to them. It means we pray, and trust the Lord, and watch the building fund grow exponentially before our eyes, knowing that it was the Lord Who grew it, not the guilt induced offerings of a congregation made to feel that giving=sanctification, and now we are about to have our building dedication, debt-free every step of the way.

It means there are no critical looks if someones dress doesn't meet "church" standards of modesty or fashion- we are encouraged to love as Jesus loved us, and we know that what's in the heart is what matters. There is just not much focus on the outward appearance, although if you were to stop and take stock, you would see "modestly" dressed people, some with head coverings, some in jeans, some in expensive outfits. I was reminded again this last week how peculiar our church is in our outlook. I went to visit a friend and our kids went to the little daycamp at her church next door. We were sitting talking to the pastor and his wife. My friend and the pastor's wife were discussing clothes they were going to wear at camp the next week- this was obviously an important topic that they talked about a lot. Then the pastor came over and tugged at his wife's past knee length shorts and said something to the effect of "watch it, your knees were showing." Until that moment in the day, I had only thought about my clothing when I put it on in the morning and subconsciously decided it was modest and looked fine. As soon as I assimilated the conversation going on around me, a flood of memories came back to me- of being in church and Christian college atmospheres where the hem of your skirt and the cut of your shirt determined how "holy" you were and you constantly felt either guilty for not measuring up, or prideful if you were beyond the standard.

And I think that mindset is what is induced when you hold "the list" as equal with Scripture- either you feel guilty that you are not able to meet the requirements of attendence and service, or you feel a false sense of accomplishment and judgmental pride, comparing yourself with others who haven't checked off as many boxes as you have. There is no serving with love, because you are not serving the person of Christ- you are serving an artificial god, that can never really be appeased, because even if you kill yourself trying to fulfill every part of a list of things that will make you a "good Christian", you will eventually fail and feel guilty. Truly serving Christ means learning from Scripture and listening to the Holy Spirit, and letting Him lead you into the service He lays on your heart. Unfortunately, serving Christ and serving "the church" (by this, I mean the leadership and fundamentals of many denominations, not the body of Christ, as 'the church' should mean) are not always the same in our culture and society. I know too many churches, too many believers whose attention to the Holy Spirit within them and the Scripture they hold in their hands is being obscured by the demands of the church leadership they are under. They are being taught that church attendence=spirituality, and how you dress=sanctification, adherence to the guidelines=holiness.

It seems that church leadership is turning into a priesthood, holding the keys to absolution, and the power of guilt and condemnation. They are trying to lead through inducing fear and guilt, instead of what Christ intended- the individual priesthood of the believer, which leads to a desire to serve out of love for the Lord and fellow believers. I see our church as proof that you can accomplish all the objectives of "the list" (church attendence, service, accountabilty) by letting the Lord lead, by preaching Scripture and adherance to it, by focusing on love and humility, and not on pride or guilt. The list should not be the objective, it should be the natural result of the fruit of the living in the Spirit by letting him lead, and it won't always look like what you have in mind. The Lord did not redeem us to make us robots, my service to the Lord will not look like yours.

I think it's a subtle shift in mentality that makes the difference here, and you can see the results of it. On the "list" side, the focus in on outward adherance to things- your attendance, your dress, your involvement. On the other side, it's the condition of your heart, your motives, and a peace that comes from knowing that you are accountable to the Lord, and He is Who you are living and serving to please, in fellowship with those of like minded faith.

2009-06-25T16:47:00.002-05:00

I'm here. I'm struggling, but I'm hopeful. Nate and I had a long talk the other night that I was thankful took place. I am blessed to be married to a man that supports me and loves me, even if he doesn't understand me all the time. For that matter, I don't understand myself all the time. I believe I am pretty much over my kidney infection, a week of antibiotics done and no more fever and not much pain. I still feel just drained and tired, but I am thankful to be better.

Ian's birthday is in a couple of weeks, and he has decided that he wants to have a Dinosaur Party! I don't feel up to the task, but I am excited to make this birthday special for him. I already have some ideas for games and food and a cake. We will listen to the CD and read "Skippy Jon Jones and the Big Bones" and have a "fossil hunt" in the sand box, and some sort of scavenger hunt. I hope I can make it fun for him. He's really excited.

My mom might come to visit in July and we would go down to see Dave and Audra in Florida. I really hope this works out. Nate even said fine without even figuring out exactly how much it would all cost.

I will write more another time. Running out of steam......need coffee........ :P

2009-06-20T10:53:00.002-05:00

I was just going to start blogging last night when Nate got home at about 10. It was strange to see him come in the door not in his collared work shirt and khaki pants, but in a dirty t-shirt and clay encrusted jeans and work boots. I said, with my tongue in my cheek, "Who are you? My husband is a *manager*, surely he doesn't do work that gets him this dirty!" We both laughed, because we know that even though technically his job title is "Retail Manager", overseeing the running of the five stores, (as well as being the purchasing, inventory and warehouse manager, marketing and advertising man, IT and phone repair man, complaints department, angry customer pacifier and problem solver extraordinaire, accounting and payables supervisor, above-ground pool seller and construction coordinator, and hot tub salesman and delivery man), a lot of his time is spent doing work that he knows other people either don't have time to do, or they don't have official sanction to work as many hours as he does. That's why he was pouring concrete at 6 yesterday morning and fixing a pool filter at 9 last night, and inbetween those doing a bunch of other things that left him dirty, sunburned and exhausted. Sounds like no fun, but I actually thinks he enjoys those types of days more than when he is filling his more traditional roles. Last week he spent half a day organizing and cleaning a warehouse at one of the stores. The store manager said "You shouldn't be doing this type of work- you're the boss!" (Basically this person was just annoyed with him for "messing up" their system, which consisted of half open boxes every two feet all over the floor) Nate assured the manager that a lot of the work he did wasn't technically in his job description, but it had to be done, and he could do it. And while he didn't need his degrees in Accounting or Business Management to break down boxes and sweep a dirty floor, sometimes that's the best use of his talents for that time. The guy who was helping Nate was very amused by the fact that the vertically challenged complaining store manager insisted that no one would be able to reach the products if Nate put them up on the warehouse shelves where they belonged, since they had no ladder.....and lo and behold, after cleaning up the dirty mess of boxes in one corner of the warehouse, Nate found the ladder.

Even though there are times, (okay, many times) when I fight feelings of resentment over Nate's dedication to his job, I really am proud of him for the humble servant leadership he displays. He never angrily berates his employees or store managers (even though there are times when I so would have), he never just puts off on someone else what he could reasonably do himself, he listens to their venting, complaining, and just talking, and tries to encourage them and help them if he can. He goes the extra mile (or 10) to insure that the customers he deals with are taken care of, fufilling the verse that says "As much as it depends on you, be at peace with all men". Other verses come to mind as well, such as "Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might." and "Whatever you do, do it unto the Lord and not unto men." and "Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus...but made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant..." There have been times when employees have maligned him and overtly counterminded his directions, and the owner took their side, and still Nate fulfilled this verse "Do all things without complaining and arguing." After venting his very understandable frustration to me, a few days later in tears told me that he had been really convicted and the Lord really spoke to him with this verse "Love your enemies, bless them who curse you, do good to them who hate you, and pray for them who despitefully use you and persecute you." After telling his employer the facts of the situation, he never said an ill word to anyone in the company about the person who had "despitefully used" him. I think the whole situation made me angry and have evil thoughts on his behalf way more than it did him. He is genuinly surprised every year when the employees get together and give him a gift and card. (Of course, I think everyone in the company should pledge him their undie-ing servitude for life, but that's just me) I am so proud to be married to this man who has spent his last 8 years being such a good example of these Biblical commands in his workplace. The time and attention he has given, the hours sacrificed, the thought and effort and love he has poured into the company has earned him money, and in some cases respect and appreciation, but only God has seen the extent of his devotion, and I pray God rewards him for that. I wish I could take back all the times I was less than rewarding after just missing him so much from him being gone.

I remember when I first realized that I loved this man, it was a morning in early November, over a decade ago. I was reading my Bible before meeting Nate for breakfast before our first period classes. I found my mind wandering to our time together the evening before, just hanging out and laughing as friends. All of a sudden I just felt this calm, reasoned realization wash over me, as if I opened my eyes and realized I was standing in the midst of a still lake. It was not a head over heels, "I have to be with this person or I will just die" kind of feeling, or a physical desire for him. It was just the quiet realization that I wanted the absolute best for him and that I would do anything in my power for the rest of my life to make sure of that, even if it meant we were not together. It was not in any way the kind of "love" I had ever experienced or felt, or even imagined. I just knew, for certain that I wanted to help him and bless him and love him in this way as much as I could, and it really didn't have anything to do with whether or not he loved me at all. Looking back on this now, I know this was from the Lord, and that the power to love Nate truly in this way can only come from the Lord. There have not been many times when I have been able to live up to this, but I know my highest and best times of being a blessing to my husband have been motivated by and strengthened with the love that can only come from the Lord. Ironically enough, this love that I so rarely attain, and yet strive for is what I am named. The love that comes only from the Lord, the love that He loves all of us with, is agape, or charity. Read I Corinthians 13 in the KJV- that's what I am named for.

And what does all of this "love talk" have to do with how proud I am of my husband? Well, as I said before, there have been times when I have resented his devotion to his job and felt like he loved his work more than he loved me. Let's be honest, there have been times when I have complained to anyone who would listen about poor beleagured me, stuck home alone, basically single parenting little kids, being ignored, unloved, unappreciated, blah, blah, blah. But the truth is, Nate's God-ordained devotion to the job God provided for him has been one of the biggest things the Lord has used to teach me about true love and devotion, both mine, and my husbands', and the Lords'. What I have learned about my own love is that it is too often shallow, self-centered, and brittle. (see rant above) But, the Lord has been teaching me, oh so patiently, through these years, to let go a little bit more and to get a little closer to that first vision of love that the Lord gave me that November morning. To go through I Cor. 13 with this in mind, If I am truly Biblically loving my husband, than I will be patient when I am sitting lonely in my house full of sleeping children at night, I will be kind when he comes in the door too exhausted to do anything but eat and sleep. I will not be jealous when I hear of his giving and helping and laughing with his employees. I will not put myself forward or arrogently argue that he should be home helping me, loving me, etc. I will not throw a grown-up temper tantrum when he has to be gone even on a Sunday to do a homeshow. I will not be provoked to sin by feeling slighted or unappreciated. I will not keep a record of past offenses, or assume that he's just having a grand time at work and doesn't really want to be home. I will not rejoice at the unrighteousness of the thought of cursing out anyone who does not appreciate the sacrifice of MY husband's time away from me, and I will rejoice in the truth that Nate should be working as hard as he does in order to Biblically and responsibly fulfill all that the Lord (not his employer) has given him to do at this time in our lives. I will bear all things, even not having an hour of "me-time" away from my kids in months. I will believe all things, even when the jealous wife inside me wants to assign some evil motive to my husband's actions. I will hope all things, even that the Lord will someday change the circumstances and fulfill the vision He gave Nate over a year ago of the boundary between work and home being a doorway, and not being 93 hours away from home in a 6 day workweek. I will endure all things, even uncertainty about the future and waiting on the Lord to fulfill His promises, as He always does. I know that I can do all these things, because this kind of love never fails- it is not in me, it is only from the Lord. I can't do any of this, I don't want to do any of this, if I am relying solely on my heart to generate the power for this, but I don't have to.

What I have learned about the Lord's love in this time is that it is He, not my husband, Who has the power to fulfill all the emotional needs He created me with. It is God, not Nate, Who should have all my cares cast upon Him, because He cares for me. I have learned that it is only a loving God Who will lead me through a valley of loneliness to realize that He really is the One I have been lonely for. How would I have realized the depth of my need for the Lord if I had my husband around always to partially quench that need? Now, I am certainly not saying that for a person to truly understand the love of the Lord, they need to be deprived of the love of others. Not at all. All I'm saying is that my heart could more readily learn this lesson in this circumstance that the Lord specifically gave me, knowing as He does, my heart. Unfortunately, I am just not one of those people who learn something once and never forget it. My mind wanders, I forget, I take my eyes off the One Who sustains me, and then wonder why I am not being sustained. (See previous post for proof of my foolish, wandering heart.) So, it is affirming to write what the Lord has done, how His mercies, new every morning, are what really give me joy and life, and enable me to do what the Lord has called me to do, which includes being joyfully proud of the man He has called me to love, and so thankful for the path He has called me to walk.

2009-06-03T13:30:00.002-05:00

I'm.....I really don't know. Many words come to mind, but not many of them are pleasant, so should I really be dwelling on them? Probably not. Maybe I should just stick to the facts, and leave how I'm feeling well out of it all. How about bullets? That way I don't have to think of cohesive paragraph structure! :)

The Lord is really working on me in the area of balance. I tend to go too "gung ho" into things and then end up exhausted and failing, or I assume that only doing a little of something just isn't good enough so why do it at all? This is not healthy thinking and I am striving to change it, in many areas.
My grandmother's 80th birthday is coming up. I so wish I could go to the party they have planned for her.
Nathan clocked 85 hours this week. Of course, this doesn't count his 45 minute commute either side of that every day. Our interactions are very short, and I have a hard time even knowing what to say to him. Mostly I am trying just to let him talk for the few minutes awake he is home and be supportive.
Technically we have 6 days of school left to fulfill the state's requirements. I am going to give George a break from English workbooks for awhile when he finishes the ones he is on, but we will keep doing math and other things through the summer.
Right now we are reading Stories of the Pilgrims, The second Boxcar Children book, and George and I still have a few chapters left to Swiss Family Robinson. We gave that a break for a few weeks while reading some other things.
On my own, I am reading some Maeve Binchy brain cake novels, and just finished a "midquel" to a series I read for the first time about 20 years ago. The author of this series seemed so bright and clever and absorbing when first I read him, but as I have gotten older he now seems pedantic and predictible. I am so familiar with his reading style I can read him faster than other books. For some reason, I feel compelled to read everything he writes, even thought half the time I am rolling my eyes at him.
Someone knocked my mailbox clean off into the ditch yesterday. I had a really hard time not just kicking it the rest of the way to pieces when I saw it yesterday afternoon. It seemed like a good vent of my frustration, but I did hold it in. I'm just glad the person responsible for it wasn't there when I discovered it.
I am really working on trying to more encouraging with the kids, especially George. If I am not REALLY paying attention to it, then I end up correcting him way more than I am praising his good behavior, which really, is most of the time. I need to really get my positive comments to outweigh the negative.
I watched a John Wayne western last night in which John Wayne actually dies!!!! This is, of course, against the natural order of the universe, and just upset me more than it should have. Of course, I do realize that he is actually dead, (and I have it on a good source, in Heaven!) but I just prefer my mental image of the Duke riding safely into the sunset in a cloud of dust.
And I was reminded again how freakishly similar John Wayne's voice is to that of Eeyore.
I think every major muscle group in my body is sore right now, despite a long soak in my hot tub last night. I am happy this is so, for it means I am exercising regularly again. I am trying to include this in my quest for moderation, and not go so overboard that I burn myself out.
I miss my mother. I wish she lived just around the corner and we could visit a few times a week. Just sit down and have a cup of coffee together.
I am praying, looking, waiting, hoping and praying some more for a new job for Nathan. I'm glad the Lord has that all figured out.
I have been looking and looking for some casual summer dresses. Of course, this is not in any way a need, just a rather fervent want that would be convenient and really nice. After months of searching at every thrift and consignment and even (gasp!) real store, I have concluded that perhaps they just do not exist. I sure have had no luck in finding any.
I am thrilled to say that my oldest son is now a complete expert on making a half a pot of brewed coffee and putting just the right amount of sinful flavored creamer in and bringing it to me. That right there is worth 10,000 negative comments being never uttered. Truly, he is such a special boy. I am proud of him, and even more important, I think he is proud of himself. He's such a blessing, even if he didn't bring me coffee. :)
In my quest to fit into my wedding dress by August 21st, I have quit eating after 8 pm. I think this is actually helping. At least I feel a bit better in the morning. And being on an exercise schedule forces me to be on a better eating schedule of healthy food- if you don't feed the machine, it won't run for you.
I watched "Dan in Real Life" this week again. It's one of those movies that gets better the more you watch it. Not that there aren't a few bits of it that I don't fast forward through, but the movie's story is sweet in a sad way and I really like it.
I have bought a few little things for Nate's birthday, but I couldn't find what I really wanted and am frustrated thinking that he won't even care about what I have gotten. I just feel so disconnected from him right now, it's hard to think of what the best thing for him would be. I have never actually given him a present that he really, truly loved, I don't think. Usually, he's either satisfied with its usefulness or questioning its cost. He is a hard man to buy for. He told me he wants a job listing. And oh, how I wish I could give him that.....
I need a drink. Of water. Since Nate won't let me have vodka in the house.
I am getting tired of everyone hinting and saying and maybe thinking and not saying that I need to get on the ball and potty train Claire. And I'm more tired of the fact that that even bothers me. While I seem pretty independant, that doesn't mean I am not internally affected by what I perceive to be others opinions of me and my actions. I can not commit to what it would take to potty train a completely uninterested child at this time. If I had no other children, this would be different. If I did not homeschool, this would be different. If I did not care if it turned into a battle of the wills power struggle, this would be different. If I were not utterly exhausted from being responsible for every thing that goes on in my home because my husband is home about 7 hours out of every 24, this would be different. But, I am where I am right now and it really doesn't bother me that my baby is still in diapers. I think it bothers me more that I know people think ill of me for that- and that is where *I* need to change. I am only accountable to the Lord for the raising of my children. I just wish I could remember that all the time.
There are days I want to pack us all up and get in the car and just drive away. Many days.
I am glad I am not pregnant, but these almost labor like cramps are really wearing me down right now.
I know there are many women out there who would be terribly offended to hear me say I am glad I am not pregnant. I wish them all the babies the Lord wants them to have, and for them to understand that my desire not to have any more is not rooted in disregard or dislike for children, but in great regard and unfathomable love for the ones the Lord has already blessed me with.
I know I said I would try to keep my feelings out of this, but this is my blog, after all, and I'll cry if I want to....or rather....get a massive headache from trying so hard not to cry.
I feel unquenchably, unendingly lonely. Not that I crave the presence of other people. I am incredibly blessed to be able to spend my days with four of the best people I have ever known. I am just being made very aware right now of those places in my heart that no one has ever touched and I don't even know how to begin to let anyone into them, or if I want to. Of course, this is in great part due to Nathan's absence, but even in his presence there are so many times when the walls are left up, the invisible defenses impenetrable, and the real me behind the stone, wondering if I will die here.
I know that sounds terribly bereft, and of course, begs the question "Is not God there with you?" which is what I strive to remind myself of everyday. I know in my head that He is, but knowing that in my heart takes more effort than I am up to some days.
I will not end with that thought......
I am going to watch "The Quiet Man" tonight while folding laundry. At least I know John Wayne isn't going to die in that one.
I told the boys they could stay up "late" tonight if they napped this afternoon. I hear Ian kicking the wall on his bed right now, as I have for the last hour.
My wonderful father in law has mowed my lawn for me 3 weeks in a row now. They are such a blessing to me. Last Saturday, they even took all the kids for a few hours in the evening so I could get some grocery shopping and housework done. It was SOOO nice to be able to do that.
I bought lemons to go in my water. I love this.
Okay, is that enough? I should really go get something productive done...Or maybe eat something, now that I am starting to feel a little funny.

Thursday

2009-05-28T15:20:00.003-05:00

I just exercised for the first time in about 2 weeks. The pain in my chest has subsided greatly, for which I am very thankful. I suppose I should chronicle that I was diagnosed with chostocondritis a few weeks ago. I never thought ice on my chest would actually feel good, but it has. And I am happy not to have to do it anymore. It's amazing to me how long it takes for my muscles to become awakened and engaged in everyday motion. Only after weeks of consistent use do I reach this state- which is the beginning of where I would like to be, and yet it takes only days to revert back to feeling um, well, I don't know how to describe it exactly, but just like I normally do if I am not exercising regularly. The awareness of my muscle groups, of how my body bends and flexes and strengthens is not a state I have consistently been in for many years. I can remember it, and I yearn for it to become my norm again, but it sure takes a lot of work to sustain, and only a little slacking off for it to dissipate. Anyway, I am thankful to be able to exercise a bit again today.

I picked up an old paperback for 50 cents at a thrift store. I thought it looked interesting. I was mostly just amused by the words of praise over the title, which read "The most powerful and magical high spiritual adventure since The Teachings of Don Juan." The name of the book is The Tracker by Tom Brown Jr. It's about this man's childhood in the woods of New Jersey, and the education in tracking and nature of him and his best friend Rick by Rick's grandfather, Stalking Wolf. My heart has always been at peace in the woods and I loved reading this book about the intricate patterns of nature and animals and birds and how with patience and dedication, these patterns become observable, and finally prominent to the eye.

I read a wide variety of books, some historical fiction, some ridiculous science fiction, some literary classics, some just what I like to call "Brain Cake". Sometimes I read a book and am just fascinated by the characters, how different they are from me, and how I could never or would never do what they do. But some books resonate with me, and a part of my soul just knows that I could, in another life perhaps, have done and enjoyed the same things that these people have done. This book was like that. Not that I certainly could have attained the level of skill that this man did, but I would have enjoyed the education and the path that he started on. Of course, I have a completely different perspective. Mr. Brown talks abut the "spirit that moves in all things" and "omens" and things like that, and I know that it is God that moves in all things and His hand that guides His creation. Still, I enjoyed the book, and it had several great little nuggets of truth in it. In one chapter, Tom is detailing his and Rick's survival "tests", set up by Stalking Wolf to help them see what they were capable of.

He says "A limitless commitment to learning was less important than knowing the limits we had and what they were. Our training was a matter of defining our limits to ourselves as well as a way of sharpening our skills.....We only learn our limits by testing them. Given adequate water, it takes a month to starve to death in a book, but there are practical limits as well as theoretical ones. There is a point after which hunger either takes up the whole of your mind or becomes insignificant. We fasted until we found that after the second day it gets easier and easier, until you come to a point where you know the only thing that could stop your fast would be the bodily decay that comes with death. We learned two things from our tests, the limits of our power and the limits of our will. One was a measurement of our skill and the other was the measurement of our personality. If we were in the woods and without food, we knew how long that fact would make us uncomfortable and how long before it would affect what we could do. We always knew how long before we would have to think in survival terms and that thinking allowed us to function normally in what would have seemed like life-or-death situations to anyone else. Most people underestimate their abilities because they never had a chance to test their limits."

I so agree with that last statement. Not in terms of survival in the woods, but just in everyday life. I know I, and so many people I know, so often freak out when x, y, or z happens, thinking that we can just never withstand this testing from the Lord. Or we hear of someone going through something and think "I could just never do that." But, I know people who have gone through times in their lives when their first thought waking up every morning was the knowledge that this was probably their last day on earth. And yet, by the grace of God, they still did function, and loved their families, and praised their Father, and got through to the other side. Now, I have never been in any situation like that, thus far. But even the small pressure of the paths the Lord has brought me down, I remember people just rolling their eyes at and saying "I just don't know how you do it, I could just never have been throwing up pregnant and nursing and have had 1, 2, 3 (fill in the blank) toddlers to take care of." Or "I could just never handle having a husband that's gone 80 hours a week" Comments like these always puzzled me. As if I had chosen these as the best possible variations of life, OR as if I could have done anything to change them simply by refusing to accept them as what God had for me. It always seemed so ridiculous to me that numerous people found these circumstances just "unbearable" when they didn't know if God would have it in His plan to give them much more trying circumstances. I know I have found myself thinking these same thoughts, though. A friend's husband was deployed to Iraq two years ago and she was a single mom for a year and a half. Another lady I know loved and loved and loved her unsaved husband, trying to show him the joy in the Lord she had found, and he cheated on her and left her and took her children from her. I found myself saying "I could never have handled that." But, who knows what the Lord has in store for me or for any of us? I don't think it is for us to say what we can or can not handle, but simply to do our best with the path the Lord has us on right now.

Tom Brown went on to say "A lot of people panic in the woods because they think they are facing impossible obstacles. Almost universally, those people who have survived impossible circumstances did not panic and found that they could survive far beyond what they normally thought of as their limits. We knew what our limits were, and we knew that there was probably a reserve behind them that would only come out when the crisis was for real." I think in life, sometimes the Lord tests us, not to just make us feel overwhelmed, but to prepare us for a situation that will require the patience and contentment we will only acquire by going through that test. I remember when I was pregnant with Grace and trying to take care of Ian and George, thinking back to when I only had George, or when I was pregnant with Ian. At those times, I thought things were so hard, and there were days when I cried out to the Lord, saying "I can't handle this." and yet, with His help, I did. It made things seem not so hard as some people seemed to believe they were. And there have been many, many days since then that have been exponentially harder. I remember the first time I went shopping with all four kids. It was a disaster. I thought it would never be any better and that we would all just starve to death, because I couldn't physically make it through a grocery shopping trip with my children. And now, while it's certainly not easy, and I don't enjoy it (by a long shot), we do it all the time. And we haven't starved yet. I had a friend comment to me a while ago, after calling and me saying that I was just laying down on the couch while the kids did puzzles on the floor, that she never would have given herself permission to lay down while her kids were awake. For me, though, after being throwing up pregnant and physically unable to keep my eyes open while taking care of my kids more times than I'd like to recall, I learned that it is possible to lay down and still have your children survive. When you have no other choice in something, it forces you to realize that "acceptable conditions" has a much wider range than you previously thought. I remember thinking it was just "unacceptable" when my husband was gone 60 hours a week. I remember just feeling so sorry for myself and thinking how unfair it all was to me. Right. And now I know it is a ministry to my husband to love and support him no matter how much he has to work. I have learned that I can survive and thrive and be a blessing in conditions much "worse" than I previously thought to be the limit of my small ability to handle. And maybe that was the limit, I have just learned (am continuing to daily learn) that there are many things that can only be handled with the Lord's help and strength. I am reminded of one of my favorite verses "His strength is made perfect in weakness." I should be thankful that the Lord has given me such amazing weakness so that His strength has so much chance to be perfected in my life.

So anyway, to complete my thoughts on the book, I found it satisfying on many levels- it delved into some of the mysteries of nature, which I loved, and it reminded me of things the Lord has been teaching me lately. I am thankful the Lord remembers my short attention span, He is so good to continually remind me of things He is teaching me.

And now for some gems from Ian:

"Wow, Heaven sounds better than a small Chinese restaurant!!" I just wish I could see what exactly this means in his mind.

Holding a lego contraption with a gun at one end "Braver, Faster....Shootier!!"

Holding a package of Swedish fish "Do the people who made this just love to lie and be naughty and don't know God?" "Uhhh," I answered, "I don't know, Ian, why would you think they love to lie?" "Well, you know, they try to make you think that this is a fruit snack and is healthy, but really it's made of sugar and it's not fruitful or healthful!"

Putting on pajamas with no characters on them, just a plain shirt and shorts "Hey, everybody, look at me, I'm a MAN!! I have on MAN pajamas!"

With a Star Wars shirt and (unmatching) Star Wars pajama pants on "Hey Mama, I'm Star Wars flage!" "Uhhh," I answered, "What?!?" "You know, when I have on my camo shirt and pants, I'm camo flage, (two words) so now I'm Star Wars flage!"

Looking at greeting cards at Target today, he unfortunately saw a card with a "Caution" sign on the front with a crude stick drawing and the words "dangerous gas" on it, which of course, George read very loudly. Ian went on to (loudly, of course) say "Dangerous gas!! I bet Daddy's going to get that at his work, and Grandpa gets dangerous gas all the time, because he fixes cars and George, do you think we'll ever have dangerous gas???"

And with that lovely thought, I will close this long overdue blog post. :)

Ian

2009-05-04T19:06:00.003-05:00

Maybe my children watch too much Veggie Tales. Tonight, Ian was getting frustrated with himelf because he wasn't able to fit a puzzle together as well as he wanted to, or as fast as Grace, whom the puzzle was facing. He said "I'm not good at puzzles anymore, I'm just not good." So, I tried to encourage him by saying "Ian, that's not true, God made you special.." To which he interrupted "..and He loves you VERY much...Goodbye!" Which, of course, is what Bob and Larry say at the end of every Veggie Tales episode. Ian and I both laughed, and I reminded him that he was very good at puzzles and that God DID make him special and God doesn't make anything bad. He made Ian just the way He wanted Him to be. There are days when it is hard for me to remember this, when I am tired of reminding him for the seventh time in 10 minutes what he is supposed to be doing, when we start his reading lesson for the day and he has no memory of what he was rattling off with ease the day (or the hour) before. Or when he gets frustrated with himself for not being able to do something he usually can (like the puzzles) and just bursts into tears. Times when we are in the middle of Wal-mart and he has tried to slowly explain what he's trying to get across to his squabbling siblings 3 times and finally just starts hitting his head in emotional distress because he doesn't know what to do to be heard.

Sometimes I will be going over something with him that I have explained a hundred (it feels like) times and in the middle of it, he raises one finger and with a look of genuine perplexity says "Excuse me, but what does 'obey' mean?" There are times when I am afraid I have held him accountable to more than he is capable of, and look back in tears to those times when we punished him over and over and over for things that we thought surely he was doing intentionally, but now I wonder, did he really just have no memory of the 3 minutes prior when I told him to stop whatever it was he started doing again? I don't know. Some days I do hold him less accountable, only to see the next day that he is taking advantage of the fact that he isn't required to do what his younger sister is. And some days, I know, he isn't capable of doing what his younger sister is accountable to do every day. But, some days, he is capable of so much more.

I don't know what to expect from him. I don't know when he wakes up in the morning whether he has any memory of the things we did or said the day before, and yet, when asked to describe the first thing he remembers, he says in a calm voice "Well, it was when I was in your belly, and my head...um, (here he pushes his hands down on the top of his head) I was trying to get out, and there was something sticking to my belly button." The other night I was talking about something that happened when George was a baby and Ian said "Where was I?" "You weren't born yet." George said. Then Ian got a thoughtful look on his face and said "Oh, yeah, that was when I was still in Heaven." "What did you do in Heaven?" I asked. "Well, I was just talking to God and eating fruit and stuff." Ian answered. "What did the fruit taste like?" I asked, trying not to smile, "You know, apples and pears and things like that." "And what did you talk about with God?" "Mama, it was a really long time ago, I don't really remember." Of course.

You might think that he is just a silly and imaginative child who likes to make things up, but if you knew Ian, you would know that he would probably fall under the category of "not clever enough to be deceitful." It wouldn't occur to him to make up anything that he would try to pass off as truth. I'm inclined to believe he does remember being born, and also inclined to believe that he doesn't really remember where he put the book he had in his hand five minutes previous. Of course, there are benefits to his short memory, including overwhelming gratefulness. A few weeks ago, he got dressed, came out in a shirt he had worn dozens of times and said "Wow, Mama, thanks for the new shirt!!" Everyday is a new experience of wonder and fun for him, glimmers of things he has done dancing only in the periphery of his consciousness, while his brother and sister are on the edge of boredom from the same activity repeated over and over. Although he might sometimes be the first to get his feelings hurt, he is always the first to forgive, and never holds a grudge, picking up the hurtful offender in a bear hug and saying "It's okay, I forgive you!" Sometimes his exuberant affection for everyone does get him in trouble, since he forgets that Claire is no longer a baby he can pick up and cuddle, or stroke her cheek without her trying to swat him away. The cat has become very tolerant of too tight hugs and being craded like a baby in the blue blanket Ian is hardly ever without.

He is forgiving, and he is giving. Last week, he told me he had a big secret he had to whisper in my ear, and told me in hushed tones with wide eyes that when he goes to Toys R' Us with his birthday money, he's going to buy George the Anakin Star Fighter Lego set that George almost bought on his birthday, but decided on another set instead. And seriously, he will get just as much joy out of this as if he were to buy it for himself. Not that some days he wants to share his favorite stick with his sister or let George have the coolest Lego guns, but he is usually the first one to think of giving something to someone, and then he can hardly contain his excitement to do it. Last year for Nate's birthday I went shopping here, there, and everywhere to find the man a bike I could afford. We finally found one, then were in Wal-Mart a few days later and found an amazing deal on a tent, too. The kids were repeatedly reminded not to tell Daddy about his presents, an injunction that George sees as a life and death situation and Grace could care less, but Ian, I think, tries so hard to remember what it is he's not supposed to tell that sometimes he forgets that he's NOT supposed to tell. For some reason, a few days before Nate's birthday and a few days after we had bought the tent we all were at Wal-Mart together. We all go shopping together probably 3 times a year, so this was unusual. Of course, Nate wanted to look at the camping stuff, and I knew when we went over there that one of the kids was probably going to point out to Nathan that we were just here and what we got for him. I could see George making frantic (indecipherable) shushing motions to his siblings as we rolled the cart into the aisle. Ian just kept the biggest grin on his face and didn't say anything at first. I was beginning to think we'd glide out of there with the surprise still intact, until all of a sudden Ian pipes up with "Daddy, we got THAT tent....and a BIKE...for SOMEONE ELSE'S Birthday!" With this, he looks at me and says in a whisper loud enough for the whole department to hear "Mama, didn't I do a good job not telling Daddy?!?!?" George smacked his hand over his eyes and hung his head in despair. Nate and I just grinned at each other as I said "Yes, Ian, you did a really good job." We were at Goodwill when my mom was visiting and George saw a My Little Pony movie that Grace would like so we picked it up for her while she and Ian were near Grammy's cart. When Ian came over to us a few minutes later, George whispered what we had gotten. Ian got all excited and tried to hide the video further, then as soon as we got close to my mom and Grace he said "Grace, don't look...right here!" And pointed to where he had hidden the movie. Again, George smacked his hand to his eyes and hung his head in despair. :P Ian is just so excited for anyone to experience joy and wants to be a part of it, too.

There are days when I wish he were like a normal child, that I could know how his mind would work when we got up in the morning, that I would know what to expect and could plan on a normal progression of learning and memory. It would have been nice not to have had to duct tape his pajamas on for a year, or to have had him potty trained before his little sister. It would have been a lot easier if I didn't have to put him back into bed 20 and 30 times a night when he was two years old. It would be nice if I didn't have to fear him going into a meltdown of frustration and emotional turmoil everytime I leave my house, it would be nice if I could get through to him when his eyes are glassed over and he just screams and screams and screams. But, then maybe I wouldn't have the same loving, caring boy, who can't wait to spend his birthday money on his big brother. Maybe I wouldn't have the same boy who would gladly spend an hour playing with blocks and singing to his baby sister, who tells Grace he loves her 10 minutes after she has taken his toys away and pushed him over. Maybe he wouldn't draw pictures of God telling Jesus what a good job he had done "reaching down to earth to make men and women and babies and children in ladies bellies and sea creatures and stuff." or pictures of him hugging everyone and writing "I *heart* U....Ian" I think God did make him special, and that God loves me very much to give me such a special boy to love. I don't know what I'd do without him.

Sad....but joyful

2009-04-25T05:05:00.003-05:00

One of the saddest trips you can make is coming back from the airport alone after spending a week with someone who helped formed your heart and continues to be one of the chief encouragers of it. I drove my mom there this morning, and didn't even realize how much she had filled my soul with joy and help until I drove away and just felt bereft. It was such an incredible gift, her week here with us, but of course, it went all too fast. The kids had so much fun with their Grammy, and again my mothers example of truly loving and caring for people was such an inspiration to me. She has a gift for meeting people where they're at, whatever their ages or stages and finding what would bless and help them most. She made crossword puzzles for the kids, complicated ones for George and simpler ones with letters Ian knew for him to fill in. Ian was so proud of himself for doing it. The one for Grace was just suited to her little girly, frilly, tough and silly personality. Then she made a big one for the kids and I to fill out together all about our day together at Callaway Gardens on Wednesday. She pretended to be surprised at the decorations and birthday cake the kids helped me with on Tuesday and acted as if she were being given the moon over the little presents the kids got her and wrapped themselves. She danced to "the Clara music" (Nutcracker) with Grace, wanted to hear all about the boys Lego creations, played in the sandbox with Claire, read story after story, and even wrote a special story for "Princess Grace" about her royal family who lived in the land of Newnan and the Great King of all Who watched over them. She brought books and taught the kids how to draw pictures and made things with them, including collars for the little puppy toys they got from a meal she treated us out to. She bought them special books and toys and treats. She washed and folded and swept and cooked and fixed and helped me, despite my insisting she was on vacation and should be putting her feet up. We played Speed Scrabble and watched movies and exercised together and talked and soaked in the hot tub and drank coffee and looked at pictures and planned for the future. She listened and encouraged and gave me ideas and prayed and helped and just made me feel like a useful, valuable person. Of course she has known me all my life, and anything worthwhile in me is because of her example and instruction and help and continual encouragement to look to the Lord to make all things right. Having lived it herself in much harder circumstances, she was such an encouragement to Nate and I about waiting on the Lord for the job He has for Nathan. "It will come at just the right time, and you'll be ready for it when it does" she said. His (and to a lesser degree, my) stress and discouragement over his job, along with a certain amount of trepidation about the future just seem less insurmountable in the face of joyful hope in the Lord's provision for us. I know my father can hardly do without his dear wife, and after being with her for the week, I miss her so much more now than I did before she came. I can see why he sounded like Eeyore every time she talked to him on the phone. In a purely self centered sense, it was such complete balm to my soul to have her here, with me every minute, completely involved in and validating all the "inconsequential" little patterns and routines that make up my days of childcare and home making and trying to live healthfully. I felt like what I was doing was important and interesting and that I was doing a decent job of it because she was here doing it with me. And now my heart is breaking because she is gone. We are hoping to go up North in the fall, so Lord willing we will see her again in October. Her flight was very early this morning, so she said Goodbye to the kids last night before bed. I fear George was the only one who understood, though, that she wasn't going to be here when they woke up in the morning and I will be joined in my tears of missing her today. She said Goodbye to Nathan last night, and cried some tears of her own, encouraging him to keep his faith in the Lord and His will and path, and that it will be revealed soon. She has a full day of travel ahead of her, with a four hour layover in Philadelphia, then on to Boston where she will take the bus to New Hampshire, where my dad will pick her up, then an hour drive home where she will be greeted by dirty dishes and a full hamper and a cat the size of a compact car who will be put out that she hasn't been picking up his hairballs all week. Then she'll have three church services tomorrow and back to work Monday, where she teaches disabled special education high school students. I can't help but daydream about how wonderful it would be if we could live closer together. My father seems to be brewing again on his "secret invention" (his attitude is "If I told you, I'd have to kill you") and wanting to get that off the ground. Who knows, maybe Nathan getting done with his job would coincide somehow with my dad needing his help for the start of his business. In a perfect world, that would all work out beautifully. Of course, in a perfect world, everyone that I loved I would actually be able to hug every day, and would never have to feel the wrenching in my heart that I do now. It just makes me long for Heaven all that much more after my mother has given me a taste of it for a week.

Tuesday

2009-04-14T12:23:00.003-05:00

I just updated my health blog and thought I should actually write some words here as well. My neck and shoulder are killing me, I *really* need to get to the chiropractor soon. I am considering just hauling all the kiddos with me and trying to corral them there. Everyone is feeling alright here, besides a few allergic sniffles among the munchkin set. Nate is caffeine free and trying to eat healthy since his heart scare last week. I am just thankful it wasn't anything more serious, and praying even more fervently now for the Lord to bring a low stress job for Nathan, as this PVC (premature ventricular contraction) is aggravated by stress, among other things, which Nate is inundated with every single day at his job. I'm trying to keep things low stress for him as much as I can at home, and I am thankful for any little thing I can do to make his life easier, but at the same time, it does in a way make me feel more alone than just his being physically gone so much right now does. I know the Lord can and will meet all my needs, though, and I need to remember to look to Him first, instead of waiting til I am at the end of my rope. I am still having some chest pain but I think now it must be my left lung, since my heart is technically fine, according to the stress ekg and echo I had done. I still would like to look into the pectus surgery.

I have switched from apple cider vinegar liquid to tablets, thanks to my MIL, who just had some on hand. It has helped get the acidy burn out of my throat, but I don't think it works as well on my asthma. I am still off the Advair. I did totally screw up the other day and waited way too long to eat then was so hungry I just polished off about a cup and a half of mac and cheese. The next day I felt wheezy and chest sore and yuck. As if I needed any further confirmation that dairy and I should no longer be seeing each other. "It's not you, milk, it's me" :)

I have really been convicted lately about my dropping the ball and getting out of the habit of getting up right away in the morning. We have gotten so out of the groove homeschooling since the beginning of the year with trying to potty train Claire, having sick kids, health issues with myself and trying to keep up with exercising and all. Anyway, the bottom line is that while I could go on and on justifying and excusing my night owl tendancies and early morning aversions, the fact is that I need to get up. It doesn't matter what I feel like or how late I laid awake the night before, it is my job to take care of my kids, their education, their environment and their home, and I can't do that as well if I am wasting the time in the morning laying about in bed. There is nothing in my physical body or even my emotions that desires the establishment of this good habit, but how often do my flesh and my emotions actually steer me right?? Yeah, not often. This is just a matter of will and doing what I know to be right, regardless of how I feel. As a very wise woman was reminding me yesterday, establishing good habits is critical to success in homeschooling and life. If you remember to pray for lazy me in this, I would greatly appreciate it.

Speaking of homeschooling, it looks as if I might actually be able to attend the homeschool conference this year. I so wanted to last year and it just didn't work out, so this year I asked 6 months in advance about childcare on the two days of it, then 3 months, then a month or more ago. And at first it didn't seem as if it would work out, but now things may come together. I'm really excited. I feel more lost and floundering and like I don't know what I'm doing than I ever have. In short, I need all the help I can get. And I am hoping to get quite a few books there.

I am so excited that my mom is coming to visit for a week this Saturday!! I can't wait to see her and I am just so excited for my kids to have one on one time with their Grammy. Almost any time we are up there, other cousins are around, which is great, but they get to see Grammy all the time. My kids are lucky to see her once or twice a year. It will be wonderful to have her here for the whole week. I think we will go down to Callaway Gardens one day. I'm sure we'll take the kids to Barnes and Noble and browse Ashley Park and go to the playground. I want it to be restful for her, but for her to have fun as well. I wish my dad could come, but he can't get any more time off work. Man, I have a lot to do before Saturday!!! :P

Monday Mental Meanderings...

2009-04-06T16:27:00.002-05:00

I have almost recovered from waking up this morning. Not that anything necessarily traumatic happened, it was just that I woke up (which is almost always unpleasant) and it was Monday. I actually woke up at around 6 and just laid in bed for a minute. I knew Nate was awake because he was on his back (and the man can really only sleep on his stomach) even though his eyes were closed. I put my hand on his chest to see if the crazy erratic heartbeat he had yesterday was still happening. Thankfully, it was normal. I don't know if that was just a side effect of what was probably mild food poisoning or him catching my throwing up bug from last week, or what. I'm just glad he's better. Not that he wouldn't have gone to work anyway, Mr. I-have-never-taken-a-sick-day-in-my-life-and-I-don't-intend-to-start-now would have just taken a barf bag and puked between phone calls. He started feeling badly yesterday afternoon and went to bed for the night at about 7. He just doesn't deal well with not enough rest, and being up til 2:30ish the night before did him in, I think. He was almost annoyingly chipper this morning, though, in the face of my morning grumpiness.

I have always wondered where the justice is in the fact that I feel my absolute worst, horrible, negative, depressed, achey, sore and nauseated first thing in the morning. I feel my best, positive, clear headed, flexible, full of energy, ready to face the day (er night) at about 10 pm. I don't know if God sneezed when he was doing my hard wiring or what, but I wish things were different. Unfortunately, wishes don't usually get you anywhere and only make you discontent most of the time. Things are as they are, and will probably continue to be so. I think the best I can do is try to communicate with people as little as I can in the morning until I start to feel like a human being and get caffeine into my system as quickly as possible. I think Mondays are harder too because they are right after the day we are all together as a family with Nathan, so I am in withdrawal from being around my best friend since Saturday night and all of a sudden he's off, into another full work week. Also I have done the least housework of the whole week on Sunday, so things are usually a disorganized mess.

I was running on Mondays for awhile, but last week did on Tuesday. Actually that's the only day I ended up running last week, since I started throwing up on Wednesday and still feel wrung out from all that. I think I lost a couple of pounds, though. And I haven't lost any weight running...hmm, maybe I need to start alternating exercise with some well timed contraction of the flu. :P I am hoping to really get back on track exercising now. Time will tell how well I do with that goal.

I need to go make biscuits. Actually, I am making Pillsbury refrigerated biscuits, which I have never done before. I assume it's easy, though. The reason I am making this ridiculously useless, overpriced and nutritionless item is because I am tweaking my maple egg bake recipe for the Pillsbury baking contest. I know, I know....me, entering a cooking contest...it is funny, you may laugh. George saw a poster for this contest saying you could win $1,000,000 and is convinced that we need to enter and win. There are several categories you can enter and this is in the breakfast category. We are also coming up with a dessert recipe that has eggs, cocoa and condensed milk in it. Of course, George has already decided what we are going to do with the money when we win. First, we will buy the Lego Deathstar, which will set us back about $400. Then we will buy Uncle Scott everything he needs for his camp. Then we'll pay off our house and buy a house for Grammy and Grampy. Then we'll buy the Lego Town set. Next we'll buy an airplane for Bobby and Joanna Burdett to go to Madagascar. Then new leap pads for all the kids, all the Magic Treehouse and Boxcar children books, as well as a really cool science curriculum with lots of experiments. After that, we're not sure. We'll let you know when we win. ;)

Saturday..

2009-03-28T10:57:00.002-05:00

I had a busy day Thursday. I drove through the blinding rain to Dr. Boddy's office by 9 am. He said he wants me to get a glucometer (I got a free one from Rite-Aid!!) and take my blood sugar twice a day for 2 weeks, then come back and do another fasting blood test. Then I went to Starbucks and used the gift card my wonderful husband gave me and got a tall soymilk mocha, which was heavenly. Then I sped back to the cardiologist office, where I did a treadmill stress test. They did an ekg while I was resting, then while I was on the treadmill. The speed and incline went up every 3 minutes. My asthma was acting up a bit because of the rain and I had to stop to use my inhaler after only 15 minutes. I was afraid they weren't going to be able to get an accurate reading since I wasn't really exerting myself much, but they said 10 minutes was sufficient. The doctor I had first seen wasn't there, but his associate came in and introduced himself to me, looked at the ekg results briefly and said "Everything looks fine. I don't think Dr. Lourie had great expectations that it was your heart anyway." Then I asked if the echo results were in and he asked the technician/nurse/whatever she was who had done it. She called it up on her computer, looked at it for a few minutes and said "I'm looking at your results right now, and everything looks normal." So, I was glad to hear that, but almost got the feeling they weren't even taking me seriously, like they were expecting not to find anything on the test results of a 30 year old woman who wasn't obese or a smoker, so they didn't bother looking too hard, know what I mean? I could just be reading into this, of course. I am VERY glad that there weren't any glaring things wrong on the tests. I still want to discuss with Dr. Boddy the prolonged qt as it relates to my asthma meds and share more of my history/theories with him from my ridiculously long previous post.

Then I went to Rite Aid where I scored a free glucometer, Quick Trip to get gas, Target, where I found a broom but they didn't have the coffee maker I wanted and got a Vitamin Water (my favorite drink other than water and coffee!!), birthday presents for a niece and nephew, Cash 4 Clothes where I got a fall shirt for me and necklace for my friend Karen, then Value Village where I got a shirt for my mom, and an awesome illustrated dictonary of Star Wars, then BK- where I got a mayo free, onion free Whopper (which I really shouldn't have eaten the whole thing of, but I did), then back to Newnan, to One Roof consignment where I got a bunch of movies for the kids, then I stopped at Espresso Lane and got a small soymilk raspberry mocha, (yes, a TWO mocha day....I am a spoiled brat!), then to Great Clips where I got my hair cut into layers (pics later), then to Target where they also did not have the coffee maker I wanted but did have some really cute shirts for the girls on the clearance racks (I love when they match), then Wal-Mart to see if I could get an eye appt. (no dice), then Kohl's to see if they had any bras on sale (none for me), then to see the wonderful Dr. Poli at Alternacare, who fixed me up so well, and totally made me laugh because during my adjustment, my back cracked like 4x in a row, and he said "Hey, I crack you up!" (I love corny jokes like that) He said to come back in a month or sooner if I felt like I needed it. Then I went to Publix next door, where I *almost* confronted a guy for following me around, but just bought Safflower Oil instead, then went to JC Penney's, where I was sad to see that the running shoes I have been wanting are no longer $39.99 but $49.99 :( Then home, where I was greeted by Claire in a unicorn costume, then hugged and kissed by all and enjoyed a great dinner of "fridge rejects" as Nathan called it, then read to children, sent them to bed and watched the Office and 30 Rock with Nathan, ate lots of popcorn and went to bed.

On an incredibly positive note, I am amazed to report that I really think the apple cidar vinegar is helping my asthma!! This is the fourth day that I have been taking 2+ tbs. of it and last night, in the humidity and rain, with having accidentally skipped my Advair dosage the night before (because I wasn't reminded by my wheezing), I was actually able to take a full, deep breath. This is super unusual for me, especially during a rain storm. I have joked with Nate that I am a natural barometer, I can predict the amount of humidity in the air/chance of thunderstorm by how my lungs feel. This is what landed me in the ER almost every spring I lived in Florida. So, understand the significance of me being able to breathe even BETTER than normal while it is completely humid and raining out. I was astounded. And the only thing I've been doing differently is the acv. Usually if I skip a dosage of Advair accidentally, I feel twice as bad the next day, but I didn't even realize I had until afternoon, when I went out to get the mail and automatically thought "Okay, where's my inhaler, I bet I'll have to use it when I get back in." Then I realized I wasn't even wheezing a tiny bit, and that I had forgotten my Advair the night before. Wow. And I have found that mixing the acv with raw honey in a little glass of apple juice and holding my nose while I drink it goes down a whole lot better than straight 2T acv to 1T honey. I had the nasty dry heaves for about 5 minutes after that first dosage. Blech. I used my Advair again last night, figuring I will try to do it every other night instead of every night.

About the blood sugar thing, I took it yesterday morning and it was 57. Then before lunch it was 97. Dr. Boddy had told me to take it first thing in the morning and one other time during the day, after not eating for a few hours, like before lunch one day, before supper one day, etc. or if I was feeling dizzy or shaky or confused to take it then. So, I have been paying more attention to how I am feeling. And I realized yesterday at about 5 pm as I was staring into the fridge and nothing I was seeing was actually registering in my mind, that I feel that way almost every afternoon. I stood up, I felt dizzy, I held my hand out, it was shaking. And this is absolutely totally normal for me. If I don't plan dinner ahead of time, or have something in the crockpot I go through this miserable routine every day. In the late afternoon, at about the time kids are waking up from naps, I feel really tired. I used to have a little cup of coffee then, but I am trying to cut back, so I don't anymore. I dread having to figure out what to make for dinner, it is so the worst part of my day, (besides getting out of bed in the morning). I just feel like I can't think straight or figure anything out and I don't feel well, now that I actually think about it. I used to think it was just because I do not enjoy cooking in any way, but, I thought, maybe it is a blood sugar thing? Anyway, so yesterday afternoon I was feeling like this and finally realized I could make grilled chicken on salad for supper, so I started making that, then ate an herb biscuit and drank some water. About an hour later I thought to take my blood sugar, but by this time I was feeling much better. I took it anyway, though, and it was 127, which just seems WAY high, at least for what it has been. So, I really don't know!! :P This morning it was 91 and I haven't taken it since. I will be very curious to see if there is a pattern to this or if it really is hypoglycemia. It would really make me happy in a strange way to know that my feeling loopy and not able to concentrate actually had a medical reason, instead of just my own incompetence or "mommy brain." We shall see.

Right now I should be cleaning my house and cooking since Nate's family is coming over for his mom's birthday party tonight. I still need to wrap presents and put decorations up, not to mention scrub the bathroom, clean the kitchen, sweep all the floors, make a cake, take a shower and get ready. Hmmm, maybe I should get off the internet????

Heart, and Lungs and Doctors..OH MY!!

2009-03-24T15:49:00.002-05:00

I suppose I should update here, as I have actually some information to relate and not just inane babbling like I usually do. I don't know why whenever I actually do have news to record, I get so busy with it all I don't update here, but when I have nothing to say, I post. Anyway....

My treadmilling had been going great, my asthma was totally under control, I was getting in shape and feeling great. Then, I started getting wheezier (is that a word?) and a couple times had some stabbing chest pain when I ran too fast without warming up adequately on the treadmill. I also had some general health questions for Dr. Boddy, concerning allergies, St. John's Wort, natural sleeping agents, kidney function and of course my lungs and chest pain.

I went to see Dr. Boddy and he said he thought my kidneys were fine, that my theory about having so much protein during my four pregnancies in five years really wouldn't have adversely affected my kidneys, and that the last time he tested, my kidney function was excellent. He said St. John's Wort was really unpredictable because the time of year it was grown and harvested, the exact part of the plant harvested and the manner of production all affected the potency of the product so much that there was great variation in it, even bottle to bottle from the same company. He said it wouldn't hurt me, but he wouldn't waste my money on it. He was surprised that melotonin makes me sleepy after 20 minutes but then I wake up after sleeping 30, but said I could certainly continue to take it if I wanted to, it wouldn't interact with my other medications.

I asked him if the chest x-ray I had had in the fall when my asthma first started acting up had anything on it that would explain the chest pain or heart stuff and told him that a dr. in the past had told me that my heart was not in the right place in my chest, which was why I had chest pain sometimes. Dr. Boddy said he had forgotten about the pectus excavatum (http://www.pectusdeformity.com/) that I have and that it could be affecting my heart and lung function. Then he asked me if I had ever considered surgery to correct it, that he had two patients in the past that had greatly benefited from it. I had *never* been told by any dr. that there was a surgery to correct this, and now I wish I had had it done years and years ago. My mother said she had never heard from any dr. during my childhood that it could be corrected either. About my heart, he said he really didn't like the chest pain story and wanted to check that out. So, they did an EKG, which showed five abnormalities, including a prolonged qt, which concerned him.

They also did a blood test to check my kidney function and a bunch of other things. Dr. Boddy told me to go back to the full dosage of the Advair 500 twice a day, from the once a day I had been able to go to when I cut out dairy. He referred me to a cardiologist. I made an appt. with the cardiologist for Friday. I wanted to take the readings from the chest x-ray in the fall with me to the cardiologist, so I stopped by Dr. Boddy's. Cara, the nurse said they had the results from my blood test back and that my blood sugar was supposed to be between 65-99, but was 44, which I guess is pretty low. She asked if I felt shaky or dizzy or had been fasting. I said no to all. I had eaten breakfast a few hours previous and felt the same as I always do. So, I had to make another appt. with Dr. Bod to discuss that.

I went to the cardiologist and he asked me a bunch of questions and listened to my heart for a long time. I asked him about the pectus surgery but he said he would think long and hard before jumping into thoracic surgery. He said that it might affect my lung function, but he didn't think it was affecting my heart. He said that all our questions would be answered by an echocardiogram and a treadmill stress test. I did the echo right then, which was extremely uncomfortable. The treadmill guy wasn't there, so I scheduled that to be this week, the same day as the appt. with Dr. Boddy. Dr. Lourie, the cardiologist, didn't actually tell me much, just said that the tests would answer our ?'s. I suppose I will be discussing the results of them Thursday after my stress test. He was very warm and seemed to really listen well.

Friday night I came home after all that and decided to do some internet searching for prolonged qt and low blood sugar and all of that. What I found totally freaked me out. Here is a link talking about prolonged qt: http://www.healthatoz.com/healthatoz/Atoz/common/standard/transform.jsp?requestURI=/healthatoz/Atoz/ency/prolonged_qt_syndrome.jsp It says basically that there can be too long a space between the beats of the heart, which can cause fainting, cardiac arrest and sudden death. This, needless to say, was what totally freaked me out. One site listed things that set off a prolonged qt episode as: strenuous exercise, emotional excitement, anger, being startled by loud noises such as alarm clocks, or sometimes it can happen while sleeping. This did not do much for my sense of security and to be honest, left me in tears and consumed by anxiety and confusion, at least that night.

The next day I got brave enough to keep researching, and along the way looked up my low blood sugar reading, which seemed to indicate hypoglycemia, possibly, or diabetes?? I have a lot more questions about that, which I will discuss with Dr. Bod Thurs. I researched if any medication I am taking could be affecting my heart function, and I found a resounding "YES!" See here: http://www.healthsquare.com/drugs/105074_2.htm and here: http://doublecheckmd.com/EffectsDetail.do;jsessionid=DEA45ABF8B759EC3A1588E9D184FD568?dname=salmeterol&sid=13389&eid=1692 and here: http://members.kaiserpermanente.org/kpweb/drugency/drugdetails.do?drugID=255421&name=Advair+Diskus+500+mcg-50+mcg%2FDose+for+Inhalation&index=true (Scroll down to Precautions)

So, perhaps I already had a physical predisposition for this and the medication has made it flare up. Now I am very anxious to find something else I can take for my asthma that will not affect my heart. I am interested in this on apple cider vinegar: http://www.earthclinic.com/CURES/asthma.html and oil pulling, which seems to be a general health thing, not specifically for asthma, but will help it as well: http://www.oilpulling.com/ This sounds really weird, but I am willing to give it a try.

So, right now I am just trying to avoid the things that could make my heart stop. Unfortunately, the only one I have complete control over is the exercise, which is the only one I really want to be doing. :( Looking back now on my medical history, it seems I have had trouble with this prolonged qt before. I had to go home from college one semester because I was fainting, and having terrible chest pain. I should mention that previous to this, I had relapsed into my old bulimic habits. I was also taking Serevent and Flovent, steroid inhalers which can do the same thing as the Advair I am on now. My aunt took me to a health food store where a woman did "muscle testing" on me and said I had a severe potassium deficiency, along with some other minerals. My aunt and uncle bought me all the expensive supplements the lady recommended and I started feeling better almost immediately when I started taking them. Now, I have not been bulimic since then, but I do always sweat a lot, and since I have been running about 10 miles a week for about 2 months now, (and sweating like crazy the whole time) maybe I have been depleting my electrolytes faster than I can replace them, and that is exacerbating this. Maybe I need to start taking a potassium supplement. I have already started a magnesium supplement, as I read that could help my asthma.

So, in a really big nutshell (haha) that is what is going on with me. After my appt. on Thursday, I will update. If you actually took the three hours to read all this, you are a better friend than I deserve and I thank you! :)

2009-03-10T14:40:00.002-05:00

Is it Spring yet?? My open window says so. It feels perfect to me right now, warm and breezy and lovely. We've been out playing soccer and throwing around a football (teaching children to throw a good spiral is a challenge, let me tell you!) and George has learned to ride his bike without training wheels in the last two days. Nate took off his training wheels last June and George hasn't wanted to get on it since then, but the warmer weather and my coaxing have made him brave the worrisome "new-ness" of it. He's done so well, I'm very proud of him. He took three good tumbles yesterday, but got right back up and wanted to keep practicing. I showed him the scars on my knees and legs from some bike accidents when I was a kid, which I think made him a little less worried. Considering the fact that he hates new things and pain, he has done great!!!

I just ordered the kids vitamins finally, and need to do my Melaleuca order soon, although I don't hardly need anything. Ian did a bunch of reading to me today from "The Big Yellow Book", he's doing really well. I think his lack of short term memory makes me think his entire memory is lacking sometimes, and it always surprises me when he picks right back up something we haven't done in a long time. Grace traced numbers and letters and matched rhyming words and George did his reading and reading workbook. We are really pitifully behind where we need to be, but I have started making reading together more of a priority and slacked off a bit on the worksheets. At this point, I can probably get away with us focusing more on together time than on scholastic over achievement. George and I are reading Swiss Family Robinson together. At about chapter 3, I had the happy realization that "Who needs a vocabulary curriculum when you are reading things like this??" In the last few days, George has learned the meaning of words such as tempest, prospect, sustained, resigned, tranquil, contrive, impending, recollect, exhort, embarkation, glutinous, and renounce, just to name a few. :)

Nathan is plunging headlong into busy season, and his canker sores have arrived, just on time, as they always do when he is stressed out and eating and sleeping badly. A happy note, though, the website he has been working on for about a year and a half is finally up (www.brownspools.com) and Matt could not stop raving about how wonderful it was, which was, of course, GREAT for Nathan to hear. It's always wonderful for me to hear that his hard work is being appreciated.

I can't think of anything clever to close with, but I have to run to Food Depot as soon as the Claire Bear wakes up, we are in desperate need of paper products and produce (hmm, that sounds like a Dr. Seuss book...) and I didn't have my act together enough this morning to go. I guess that's one good thing about Nate's work schedule this time of year, I can go run errands in the late afternoon if I want to. Bye for now!!!!

2009-02-26T09:33:00.002-05:00

I know I haven't been here much lately. I've been doing a lot more on my health blog, since it's just easier to record facts than it is to think about what I'm thinking about in a coherant manner. And, I'm still not up to it yet, so here is the link to my other blog:
http://agapec.wordpress.com/2009/02/26/49/ if you want to see a little of what's been going on with me. If you read this, know I am praying for you and have a blessed day!!

2009-02-17T20:21:00.002-05:00

I've been putting more on my health blog lately than here, but just thought I should record some things since I haven't in so long. How about bullets? Then I don't have to come up with coherant paragraphs....

I have given up on the family newsletter for now. I got it all written, formatted, pictures inserted and everything, but after trying to print it about 15x on 4 different printers (which wouldn't work for a variety of reasons) I have given up. A few people got a rough draft before my printer totally quit, but the rest will have to wait til I have new patience or the stars align or something.
I am fighting tendancies of withdrawal, from my kids and more just from the general public. I hated, do hate, this in my father and I don't want to give in to it, but some days it is a real struggle.
I am back using my treadmill regularly, for which I am so incredibly thankful. I am not planning for the future, just thankful for the time God has given me today for this wonderful stress reliever. I love feeling my muscles start to awaken and just the feeling inside~the pure exultation of feeling fully "worked out" it is such balm to my soul
Nathan is leaving Thursday morning for a 4 day camping trip to the Okefenokee swamp. He's excited and I am excited for him, although we are both struggling with missing each other.
I am so excited for my mom to come visit in April. We are going to have a birthday party for her, I am going to take her to Agatha Christie's dinner theatre in Atlanta, we will play outside and just have so much fun!! I am so thrilled for her to come.
Claire is doing great peeing in the potty, but has started going #2 in her panties all the time now! @#$%%^&*&^%$#@! (insert appropriate language here)
We are all finally (Praise the Lord) healthy, except for a rattly cough for me and a dry cough for Ian. Fever free for days now though. I'm so glad. It seemed we were battling that for weeks.
It is late and I need to get my munchkins into bed. I will end with this quote from Grace heard a few minutes ago..."Daddy, let's play family! You be the Daddy with no hair and I'll be the Mama talking on the phone." :)

2009-02-04T14:21:00.002-05:00

It's Wednesday. A quiet time right now. I am sipping my coffee and thinking I should probably eat some lunch, but I'm just not hungry. The kids have been battling this runny nose/congestion/cough for almost 2 weeks now between them all, and I am hoping we can have everyone healthy soon. Grace is still runny nosed and her cough seems to be getting worse but she's been fever free for a day and a half now and I can tell she feels much better. Claire, who started it all, was fine for days and now seems like she's getting the cough. Ian started two days ago with the runny nose and coughing, and although his physical symptoms aren't as bad, he has been way out of touch emotionally and mentally. He did better today, though, than he did yestarday. And Mr. Germ Conscious George hasn't gotten any of it yet. Maybe there's a good reason for him not liking kisses. I felt pretty yucky last week, but am feeling fine now, just waiting for my impending period to come. Nate has the head congestion and stuffy nose, but of course won't admit to feeling anything less than fine unless he's actually incapable of being upright. So, that's where we snotty Buchans are now....waiting out the bugs. It's frustrating in a way, but in some ways, it's nice for an excuse to snuggle and just read books longer than usual, and have kids less full of frenetic energy and just wanting more hugs and "mama medicine." It's draining, but nice to know I'm needed, I suppose.

We have done so many puzzles and played so many games the last few days, it's been great. Claire is so cute "playing" Yahtzee....she shakes the dice cup very seriously, slooooowly pours out the dice and says "A did it...a self!" (I did it all by myself) Then counts her dice "one, twoooo, four, pibe, seben, twooooo" and puts them in a row and says "A won!" it's adorable. I should probably video her. George and I played Carcassonne yesterday and Nate and I played it last night. I much prefer playing with George, he's not nearly as cutthroat. :P Ross got the game for Christmas and left it here. I was going to send it in a package for him, but we just might hold onto it for him. :)

My mom emailed me and said that my father is sending FTD roses to all his granddaughters for Valentine's Day! My girls are going to be over the moon excited about this. He sent me roses one year on Valentine's Day when I was in college. The same year that two other guys sent me roses...neither of which I was dating. It was really bizarro, but my roommates loved it. We hung the roses and dried them. Our room smelled heavenly for weeks. Our church is having a Valentines' dinner and movie this year. My mil said she'd watch our kids for us and even put them to bed. That was really nice. Last year we drove up to Gainesville to go to the Valentine's banquet at Karen and Chad's church. That was fun, but a long drive.

I started my health blog to relegate my diet/exercise issues to there, but I am going to babble on about it here, too. I was so motivated a few weeks ago, and was walking on my treadmill again, and eating well. Now I haven't exercised at all in over a week and just feel completely unmotivated. I just feel stagnant. I do really, really want to fit into my wedding dress again by the end of August, and if I would just get off my butt, this will be an attainable goal. I don't know if I feel defeated already, like "I can't do it so why try", or just am being lazy and discouraged, but my mindset is far from where it needs to be for me to be making any strides in improving my health. I was really hoping by now that I would be able to get off the Advair for my asthma, but after slowly trying to lower my dosage, I realized that I do, in fact, really need it. I think that just makes me feel weak, which is not how I need to be thinking of myself when I am needing resolve and determination to stick to an exercise schedule. I think I felt like kind of a failure, like if I just worked hard enough, was careful enough with my diet, that I wouldn' t need to be on medication. I do realize that's not very logical, but I have to remind myself of that. I guess I should just be thankful that I was able to go so many years off of asthma meds. I think it must have been a hormonal thing, because before I was pregnant I was on a lot of meds, but once I got pregnant, then was nursing and both for all those years, I hardly even used my inhaler. I was so thankful- I remember worrying that my asthma would get worse while I was pregnant and harming a baby by the meds I was on, but I never needed them. Then a few months after I stopped nursing, back it all came. It must have been hormones that kept it at bay. Well, be content with such things as you have, right?? I think I need to just start acting like I do have all the motivation I need and not wait for my resolve to catch up with what I know I should be doing. Fake it til you make it!! If you read this, maybe you could remember to pray for me that I would make wise choices and do what I should in improving my health. I know we all need help here.

Friday Felicities

2009-01-16T14:37:00.002-05:00

It occured to me last night that it had been a very long time since I had blogged and also that tommorow was Friday, so it was terribly appropriate to start up again with that. :)

We had an absolutely wonderful Christmas time with Nate's family. I feel such a part (and an integral part) of the family, it is just overwhelmingly wonderful to me.
I am potty training Claire and am on day 2 of no accidents...so far!! Praise the Lord
I have four healthy happy children
Nate went almost straight from Christmas break to back to work and almost totally mentally absent...absorbed with "the business" but I am so very thankful that Lord willing, this is the last season of that.
I have some very specific health goals for this year and I am totally motivated to pursuing their end......I would like to be off one asthma medication as soon as possible, and I would like to fit into my wedding dress for my 10th anniversary in August
I am still incredibly thrilled and in love with the wonderful Christmas present my husband made for me....a nativity scene, out of wood from our old shed and branches he gathered with the kids, and put the Willow Tree nativity set into it. It was so beautiful and perfect, exactly what I've been wishing for for so many years and been searching in vain for.
It is cold today...and I am giggling at their actually cancelling school in Carrollton because of the COLD! Not snow, not ice, cold. Meanwhile, in Bemidji, where it is about 40 degrees colder, life goes on as usual.
Speaking of Bemidji, one of the biggest things I am thankful for right now is for Mandi, my dear sister-in-law. You have some choice in who your in-laws will be, but who they will marry is entirely out of your hands. And yet, I couldn't imagine a better, sweeter sister than her. It's like we've been friends forever and I love her so much.
I am sipping coffee with eggnog creamer from my silver travel mug right now....lovely
I am terrified but honored to have been asked to share a brief testimony at our next church ladies meeting. I am really beseeching Heaven on what exactly I should say and really don't know right now, but hoping God will give me some words to bless and edify.

And I would like to post pictures of my lovely nativity scene, but haven't gotten there yet...check my header soon! Love to all and Happy New Year!!

Friday...

2008-11-28T13:56:00.003-05:00

It's the day after Thansgiving. I should be doing my Friday Felicities..and probably will later. I have much to be thankful for. I was actually considering going shopping with the kids today, but my van won't start again. I do need to go out later and get my Rx filled, I took the last one last night. And really, after looking at all the Black Friday big sale flyers, the only thing that I really want to go out and buy is the 12 big roll pack of Charmin Ultra at Rite Aid for $5.49. So that's probably what I'll do tonight when Nate gets home. We went to Karen's for a Thansgiving supper yesterday. Nate was home and let me sleep in and made a big breakfast for us all, then did something I've been wanting him to for about 2 years- switched the stoves from here and Whitesburg. So, I'm very happy about that, and looking forward to using an oven that works consistently and is nicer and all.

I had a good talk with a good friend the other day, then a good talk about that talk with my good man that night. I am always afraid to share with him what is really going on in my heart, I guess I think in the back of my mind that if he really knew "the real me" he would leave, or take my kids away, or something. But, he never does, and I am so thankful for that. Indeed, the few times I have actually shared it all, what he does is listen, and then ask what he can do to help. That still amazes me. And does such an amazing job of reflecting the love of God.

I'm here

2008-11-24T19:02:00.003-05:00

I am here. And I am well. Well, my body is getting well-er all the time, Praise the Lord. My asthma is so, so, much better, I am so incredibly thankful. I am down to half the dose of Advair, and am hoping to completely get off it soon. I just came from the chiropractor today, so my back and neck are great, just sore, but the knots in my muscles and the numb and tingly feelings in my hands are gone. There are some wonderfully positive things going on in my relationship with the Lord, and with my husband, which are just amazing and I am very thankful for the Lord's hand and provision there. I am kind of having a hard time keeping up with it all, to be honest. I am very in awe of the Lord's strength and guidance in opening my eyes about some things and gently humbling me, and His patience with me as I try to accept and move forward in this new light. There are things about myself and my relationships that I thought weren't able to be changed, but they are. And I have changed them. I feel like I am living each moment from a new perspective, and it is beautiful, but it is hard. On one hand, I feel a great sadness for the loss of the years I lived without facing these things and dealing with them, and on the other hand, I feel a bit of trepidation about the future. I knew how to live with my old self and I just don't know all of the ramifications of these changes in my heart and mind, and how exactly the Lord wants me to proceed in light of them. I feel a bit lost and emotional. It seems some days as if my mind is being renewed and openly accepting all the Lord lays in my path, and other days it's as if I can't even get through the fog wrapping around my thoughts to see where my path lays. I just feel laid bare at the foot of the cross. And through my tears, I am joyful to be here.

If only....

2008-10-28T21:29:00.002-05:00

Wow. I haven't kept up with blog reading much in the last few months. One blog that I used to really enjoy was Molly's. Rather, I enjoyed the blogger, not the blog, as I loved her writing from several different blog venues. Tonight, Nathan fell asleep in front of the fire on the couch, so I got online and not having any pressing research or correspondance (or, let's be honest, facebooking) to do, I opened up my bookmarked stash of favorite blogs. After reading a few, I ran into Molly's again at www.adventuresinmercy.wordpress.com and read her few recent posts and then went delving into back posts of hers. Her writing is ALWAYS interesting, not because of its wit, although there is plenty, but because of her truth. She has come down many paths and explored them Biblically and shared her heart about them. I am almost always convicted, or encouraged, usually both, and without fail, I am directed back to the Lord. She makes you think.

Well, so I was reading on punishment vs. discipline in her "Parenting with gentleness" series. I do spank, let me say that upfront, although I try to have it be my last resort instead of my first. This particular article was on spanking and how the popular Christian culture has made it almost a requisite to Biblical parenting. Looking strictly at Scripture, though, without the constraints of our culture, experiences, and prejudices coloring our vision, it really is kind of hard to extrapolate that "He who spares the rod spoils his son" means that you should hit your child with a stick or whatever on their butt X number of times if you want them to turn out well. I had heard before the context being that of a shepherd, using his rod, or staff to guide the sheep (think Psalm 23) but this article took the thought even further. What if... we have been so caught up in trying to seem righteous to each other in our conservative little folds (thinking that this means we are righteous before God) that we have perpetuated a false teaching and have harmed our children in the process? Let me back up and say that I do not presume to speak for anyone else, but I know for myself there have been many times when I have spanked a child and not felt right about it in my heart, yet "comforted" myself with the thought that I was just doing what was Biblical. But what if I wasn't? What if that's NOT what God meant? What if a higher level of involvement with my child and getting to the heart of the issue would have forestalled any further acting out of the behavior I was correcting with the spank? Isn't that my goal in spanking? To keep them from repeating a behavior that is harmful or wrong? And if I can accomplish that with love and encouragement instead of harsh physical pain, shouldn't I? Yes. I mean, how does God parent us? Yes, we have to suffer the natural consequences of our choices, but do we suffer physical pain when we disobey or even the "adult" version of that - mental or emotional pain or physical deprivation some kind? *I don't want to get ahead of myself here, and I really am trying to just search this out for myself and find what exactly God IS saying, please don't think I am trying to purvey any truth, I am looking for it myself* What I do know is that the Bible clearly says that the wicked will sometimes, perhaps often, prosper, and the righteous will sometimes not even have a place to lay their heads. But I know the same camp (that I grew up in) that touts spanking often equates God's blessing with physical and emotional comfort. So if you are going through a hard time, financially, mentally, whatever, that *may* (and in their minds usually *must*) mean you have sinned and God is punishing you. Is this really Biblical? Nope, read Job.

So does that mean spanking is unBiblical?? I don't know yet. What I know right now is that my having subscribed to this veiwpoint and all of its trappings robbed me of closeness with my children that I might have had. My desire for my oldest child to be "well behaved" probably has contributed to his anxiety today. And I can never take back all of the times I corrected him, too harshly, thinking I was helping him, instead of getting on his level and trying to see through his eyes. I am sitting here in tears thinking of the times I felt pride in his good behaviour, and too severely censured him for deviating from that in any way, thinking it must be a reflection of my good parenting that he was doing so well, and then chastising him for acting like the child he so rarely was. Oh Lord, forgive me.

This and that..

2008-10-28T11:44:00.002-05:00

Wow, holy whining, Batman!! Of course I am referring to my last post, over which I rolled my eyes and almost threw up out of sheer disgust at the pitiful self-centeredness and just plain Eeyore-ism, for crying out loud!!! For those of you who actually read my little blog, may I just offer an apology?? Not that that's the only or worst time I have been all "poor little me" on my blog, and sadly, it probably won't be the last time, but man, it's just.....blech to be confronted by my own patheticness. *Note to self: do not blog when feeling hormotional*

On an entirely different note, we went to Virginia, had a whirlwind time with my parents, brother, sister-in-law, niece and nephews. It was great, we did a lot together and everyone had a good time, I think. Now we are back and I am trying to get all my ducks in a row with school and getting ready for holidays and trying to get my health back on track. I have started a seperate blog for my health and diet stuff over at wordpress, if you want to check it out, it's at agapec.wordpress.com. I am trying some diet things to see if I can get my asthma and possibly my weight under control. My main thing is the asthma, as it is not under control, despite the $450 of medication I am on every month now. But, as I said, I'm not going to blab about it here, it's been relegated to wordpress.

The kids are doing great in school, Ian is doing better than I thought he would, and Grace's determination is putting her leaps and bounds ahead of where her ability alone might in a different child. Ian's comprehension of things is ahead of where I thought it would be, he is doing simple addition and his writing skills have already improved and I think they are even beyond what George's were when he was as the same place in learning as Ian. Of course, his memory is still an issue, but the more times we go over things, the quicker he gets it again the next day. George is doing well, although we are a bit stalled out on penmanship, he's getting so stressed out learning slant as an introduction to cursive, I am considering just going straight to cursive, but haven't decided yet. I love, love, love the Miquon math, and only wish I had gotten it sooner. My biggest glitch right now is that my copier/scanner/printer has kicked the bucket so I can no longer copy worksheets for the kids. I need to get that back working or replaced or something so we don't fall behind.

We have our court date for getting Claire's birth certificate this Thursday, it will be great to have that finally taken care of, and then we can file an amendment to our taxes and claim her. Then Friday is the men's retreat, so Nate will be gone Friday and Saturday, although he said last night he doesn't really feel like going. I'm not sure if he will or not, although truth be told, I wouldn't mind having a night all to myself, I might even rent some chick flicks, then probably sleep with Grace in her bed, she'd really like that.

Vacation

2008-10-18T08:46:00.003-05:00

We are leaving tomorrow for our family vacation in VA. I am trying to be excited, although I have a TON to do between now and then, and it rained yesterday and my asthma gets exponentially worse with higher humidity so I didn't get much done. I have a full pot of coffee brewed now, though and my lists made and the suitcases out and only 2 more loads of laundry left to do. I think narrowing things down will be my biggest problem, and of course fitting everything in. We should be okay, though, since we are bringing (I think) less than we brought to Maine in August and had extra room then. It will be good to be with everyone, although crazy and hectic I am sure. We are tie-dying t-shirts on Monday, having an all day Star Wars Birthday Bash on Wednesday, kind of an all inclusive birthday celebration for all the cousins who don't get to be together on their birthdays. Friday we are going to Busch Gardens, and probably one of two days we will be in Colonial Williamsburg, and possibly the aquarium. And there's a big playground nearby, and indoor heated pools at the resort, and it will be a very fun time. :P I am just praying I feel better enough to keep up with it all. It will be nice to have Nate around for the whole week, although I don't think he's as looking forward to it as I am.

Nate and I have so much to talk about and I am starting to wonder if maybe someone more equipped should actually be facilitating the talking. I am wondering if counseling might be good for us. But, I don't think Nate would agree to it, even if it was free, which I know it will not be. And the money in our HSA account is going to be soon eaten up by the new meds I am taking, to the tune of $450 per month. I'm not sure what we'll do when the money runs out, hopefully I can be off one of the meds by then. I just keep reminding myself that God is in control and trying to find what He is trying to teach me in all of this. I keep thinking this must be a season, but who's to say this won't be where I am at all the rest of my life? I thought being pregnant and nursing for 7 years was hard, but now that I am all done that, all these old health problems are returning. So, is it a choice between the bone numbing exhaustion, sciatica, raw bloody nipples, restless leg syndrome and terrible aches of pregnancy and nursing, OR the endometriosis, chemical imbalances and asthma of not being pregnant? I know there are things with my diet that could be made better, but some days even remembering to eat anything is a struggle. I need to keep reminding myself that my outlook is greatly affected by my stress level and sleep account and probably right now is not the best time to be taking stock of my life. What do I need right now? I know....Micah 6:8 "But to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with my God." And I need to pack...so "Sayonara".

Pencil shavings and other blessings....

2008-10-04T11:24:00.005-05:00

I used to be such a pen connoisseur. Pencils, too. I was super picky about the feel, the look, the material, and of course, the way they flowed across the page. Ticonderoga, being the gold standard in graphite writing utensil, just holding one in my hand, as yet unsharpened, was enough to give a tiny thrill to my young soul. The eager flow of ink, black and lustrous across a starched blank spiral bound canvas was a tiny phenomenon, repeated often, that gave a quiet fulfillment to a craving inside me. Not that plain ballpoint was such a disappointment, it just always seemed such a luxurious accommodation in the mundane litany of writing required of me, to have a pen in my hand that seemed to snuggle in comfortably, then in an attitude of noble servility bow to the page and turn my history of civ. notes into a transcendantly superfluous calligraphic endeavor. Bliss.

Finding joy, finding something that does indeed "thrill my soul" in the tiny little, most would say inconsequential, accoutrements of the thrifty life, has always been an unspoken goal of mine. I don't know if it is my humble upbringing or just a quirk of personality, but I have always been just a little uncomfortable surrounded by "extravagance", especially if it was for me. And all of my quilly expounding being in the past tense tells you that my life has passed on from finding little pockets of hidden fulfillment in the exceedingly simple, to now feeling as if my extravagances are crowding in on every side. It seems rather a betrayal the mindset of the hidden blessing to have so many blessings so flagrantly surrounding me.

For example, I am sitting in a room filled with books; children's books, board books, coloring books, school books, theology books, phone books, history books, dictionaries, science texts, atlases and novels. As I said- flagrantly surrounded. And on the subject on writing utensils, with a flick of my baby blues, I can see scads, myriads of colored pencils, crayons, markers, pens of every kind (mostly bearing the Brown's Pools logo), and also- the crowning achievement of my productivity today ~ a blue pencil case of freshly sharpened pencils. Which reminds me of another thing that used to make me smile irrationally. Pencil Shavings (see above). I have always loved the delicate, swirling tracery of wood and paint, curling down and around, uncovering the beautiful potential in a pencil. It seems such a shame to just throw away something so symmetrically formed.

Now "What...", I know you're thinking, "...do pens and pencils and books have to do with being flagrantly surrounded by blessings???" Well, it's what all of those things represent that overwhelm me with the truth of my cup being filled to overflowing. Being surrounded by books and markers and such means I am in a room, in a safe, spacious house, filled with happy, healthy, inquisitive children, and a husband whom God has provided with a job that pays for all the books and house and food to feed the children. Beside the room, attached to the house, is a garage in which sits a van with gas in the tank, and if you stand by the garage and look a little farther away you can see the house of family, which means my happy, inquisitive children can get out now and then, and they are growing up with their grandparents next door. All around me are the clear evidences of the abundance in my life.

So, I think sometimes I forget to look at the little things that use to give me joy because I have so many big things. Am I becoming inured to the little blessings? Am I becoming ungrateful? There are times when I am reminded of the little things that used to give me as much joy as the big things I have now- like looking at the pencil shavings, and I realize that most of the time I am no longer a person who even notices the little things. Is it growth, or degradation? I am inclined to think the later and this makes me wonder what I need to do to get back to an awareness of ALL the blessings in my life, big and small.

Epistalary Item to Spousal Counterpart

2008-09-25T09:37:00.003-05:00

Good Morning, Mr. Retail and Marketing Manager,

I am the Educational, Domestic Engineering, Comestible and Fiscal Implementation Director of our facility. I am writing to you regarding your inquiry concerning the automobile component you requested from the third party source we shall refer to as "Ebay." As you will see upon your perusal of the attached document below, said party has responded negatively to your offer of acquisition of the component at the reduced estimation and has counteroffered with a precipitous alternative enumeration. Speaking in my capacity as Fiscal Implementation Director, my exhortation to you is for continued temperate equanimity in your scrutinizing quest for the requisite item. Of course, I defer to your superior negotiatory skills and purchasing expertise.

I must terminate this missive now, and return to my duties as infant pursuer, expurgator and habilitator so that I may commence my responsibilities as juvenile tutelary administrator. I hope to have the pleasure of seeing a rejoinder from your esteemed personage at a later time.

Cordially yours,
Charity F. Buchan, D.Fi, C.Ef, E.Ml, CL.E

(Director of Fiscal Implementation, Chairman of Educational Facilitation, Executor of Mt. Laundrytobedone, and Coffee Lover Extraodinaire)

Friday

2008-09-18T13:41:00.004-05:00

Brought to you by http://www.beckyperry.us/

Brewed Starbucks coffee in a bright blue travel mug sitting to my right
George sitting behind me finishing his reading workbook
Grace and Ian both writing *perfect* e's this morning and now doing a puzzle together- without fighting!!!
Claire looking at books quietly on the floor in her Pooh bear overalls and pink ponytail
I can breathe a little better this morning...Praise the Lord...go read the last verse in the Psalms, it was written for me. ;)
Long sleeved, relax green, Duckhead hoodie I am wearing, it makes me comfy happy.
Pictures of Maine on my desktop....*sigh*
Christmas shopping!!!! I am almost done :)
Looking forward to going out with a friend for her birthday soon.
My hot tub...I am so going to soak myself silly tonight.
Snuggling with my hubby on the couch last night, it's been a long time since we did that.
George doing his own Friday Felicities on the white board right now. :)

This and that...

2008-09-18T13:41:00.003-05:00

So, how's it going in blogworld?? I really don't know, as I hardly ever have the time to read them anymore. :( There are really cool and smart and sweet and special people whose blogs I have learned and laughed so much from that I just have fallen away from reading. And I would like to get back to them....one of these days.

In the meantime, here's what has been going on here:

Very positive things going on in Nate's home/work ratio, Praise the Lord!!
We started homeschool on Monday, and it's going great!! Ian is doing better than I thought he would, Grace is a little behind what I thought she was in her writing ability but TOTALLY makes up for it in enthusiasm. George is doing great and loves all his second grade work. Claire is climbing into everything and trying to sit in everyone's laps while they work, but for the most part, I am handling it all okay.
I had a fantabulous day off with a wonderful dear, dear friend. We went to Starbucks, twice (thankyou for the gift card, secret pal!!) We went to the thrift store and tried on clothes and modeled for each other, we both found some great fitting jeans!!!!!! (seriously, this right here deserves it's own miracle status) We ate, we laughed, we talked, I got a haircut, we bought totally outrageous and impractical, yet totally cute girlie shoes, it was sooo balm to my soul.
We have the ball rolling on getting Claire's court ordered birth certificate and hopefully, Lord willing, will have her s.s. card in time to claim her on our taxes, which we delayed filing until October.
I finally used my picture printer and it works great!! I am so thankful for it.
I am having all sorts of trouble with my asthma, but hopefully the new meds I got will start working consistently here..sometime??
Until my lungs are working well, I am just casting longing glances at my treadmill and wondering what on earth God's purpose was for letting me love it and use it for a month and now not being able to walk to the mailbox without getting winded, let alone run for a half hour. *Sigh*
The older three are all in Awana now and doing well. I am working in the nursery, which is so calming and relaxing for me.
Our church now has, through the amazing grace and hand of God, all the money needed and has started construction on our new addition/building project, debt-free! Yay!!
It is starting to get cooler outside. I love it, I love it, I love it!! I think I enjoy fall more every year. That briskness in the air, which is only a hint now, just so energizes me and makes me *see* everything so much brighter. I love it. Long sleeved shirts, warm cups of coffee, fires in the evening, open windows, snuggling with fleecy blankets on the loveseat, walking outside in the wind and the leaves.....bring it on!!

Thankyou!!!

2008-09-02T08:12:00.002-05:00

To everyone who was so incredibly generous with their well wishes and calls and cards and love on my birthday, thankyou, thankyou, thankyou. I am so very humbled by all the people who took the time to remember me, and please don't think that my angst with myself over being older in any way reflects on my level of thankfulness for all of the wonderful, sweet people in my life. Truly, I do not deserve such friends. You are all a treasure to me. :)

Friday...

2008-08-29T09:23:00.002-05:00

I suppose I should be doing Friday Felicities, but I just don't feel very...um, felicitous right now. I hate to succumb to the cliche, but I am faced with the fact that I am completely and utterly depressed about turning 30. I have been in various stages of denial (my favorite coping technique) about it for about 6 months, and kept thinking I would just start thinking it was not a big deal, but as the time has come closer it has been harder and harder to deny that I can feel it as a great weight upon my shoulders...the fact that I will no longer be in my 20's....tomorrow.

I have gotten several presents in the mail. Sweet birthday cards. All from dear precious people who (I don't know why) love me even when my idiotic psychosis demands that I reject the reason for their kind generosity. I don't want anything to remind me of it. My mil even offered!!!! to watch the kids tomorrow night so Nate could take me out, which usually I would leap at the chance for, but I just have no desire to go.

I really do realize that all this introspection and raging against things I cannot change is not only fruitless and a waste of time, but also terribly self centered. And I don't know if my extreme lack of sleep from our trip (and over the last 7 years) is propogating this mental drudgery, or if it has just snuck up on me or what. It's not as if I am terribly dissatisfied with where I am at in my life right now. My life is FULL of blessings. I have a wonderful husband, four beautiful and healthy children, a nice home, family and friends, great church, etc. I have nothing to complain about. And I have never, I thought, held 30 as a huge change in other people. Maybe my stress levels are just coinciding with my birthday and that is the hinge upon which my despondancy is swinging. Maybe I think I can no longer pretend to be young and fun and carefree anymore once I am that old. That I will have no more excuses for not acting "like a grown-up." Maybe I feel that I should have things more together by now, or that I should be farther along in my Christian walk. All I really know is that even the thought of turning that corner into the next decade just makes me want to cry. And if you know me, you know I hate to cry.

I am packing...

2008-08-13T22:11:00.003-05:00

I'm going to Maine.......(cue applause)...well, more accurately, WE are going to Maine. As in me, my munchkins AND my boyfriend (best friend, husband, Nate). :) We are leaving Friday. Packing the van tommorow night and then after naptime on Friday going to pick up Nate at work and then we are on the road again. And I get the nightshift driving, as God just made me weird like that. I naturally wake up at around 10 pm. We are driving straight through, the 20ish hours to my parents house in NH, then my mom will go up with us to my Nanny's house in Maine and my dad will come up on the weekend. We are Lord willing climbing "The Mountain" (a slightly ridiculous moniker for a height you can scale in the space of a few hours, but anyway) swimming, canoeing, roasting marshmallows, visiting with friends, family and just totally enjoying being in "Vacationland" in the month of August. I am so very excited. And we are bringing my mom an air conditioner, courtesy of some dear friends who no longer needed it, AND we are bringing a huge bag of clothes for my little nephew, AND an entire set of dishes for my mom for a housewarming gift...so basically we will have room on the way back to tote home 12 real pine trees from "The Pine Tree State". Not that we actually would, but it's a nice thought to think for a little while. :) And now I need to get back to packing!!

Friday Felicities

2008-08-01T16:45:00.003-05:00

1. I can put a ponytail in Claire's hair now....it's so cute!!

2. I got to spend most of the day at a wonderful, wise, beautiful friend's house with her and her wonderful children. We all had a blast.

3. Tommorow is Saturday....and if Nate won't take me on a date, I am going on one myself....to the grocery store.

4. I got to talk to my mom on the phone this week and she is doing well. I miss her so much.

5. I got George's reading books and have his math figured out...now I just need to order it, and I have started writing my spelling curriculum, and have the science done!! Now I just need to organize and all that jazz.

6. We *may* be going to Maine, all of us, in August. :)

7. I love my treadmill. I am SOOOO thankful for it.

8. We just got the new Third Day album, and it totally rocks...I love it!!

9. Espresso+half n' half+chocolate syrup+ice= homemade iced mocha......yummy!!!!

10. Nate found a used car for less than he was expecting, and the van is finally fixed and legal and everything. Praise the Lord.

Burn baby, burn

2008-07-28T18:29:00.004-05:00

I don't have any special reason for posting this picture, other than I just think my girls are so beautiful!! And red is my favorite color, so seeing my little blue eyed beauties in red just looks so adorable to me. Okay, I'm done gushing.

I got so much done Saturday, despite my rather inauspicious beginnings, and Nate didn't get home until late so I had time to get the whole lawn mowed and all inside done what I intended to do. I was.....(trying to think of the phrase my friend with the super charming southern belle voice used)...done slap wore' out because of it, though. I have to say I am enjoying getting back in touch with muscles that I have been ignoring for years now. Pushing that cantankerous mower around for 2 hours on Saturday was a better workout than I'd had in years, it was awesome. I was rereading my last few posts and can't believe I didn't record the momentous occasion of our acquiring my new best friend...Mr. Treadmill!! It was such an answer to prayer, just what I wanted, for just what I wanted to pay. And I love it. It's a Nordictrack, with a 20" running deck and power incline. And the best feature it has is a little plastic shelf to put my book on! So I get on my running shoes and my glasses and read and walk and run and fun fun fun!! And it has been totally motivating to feel physically "worked out" again, rather than just exhausted from lack of sleep or sore muscled because of carrying too much baby. So I have been trying to do leg lifts and crunches, and of course, get plenty of "sexercise" as well. Quit blushing, you know it burns calories (if you do it right ;). I have been doing better eating healthy, too, cutting out sugar and all. So, after all of this, wouldn't you think I would have lost some weight?? I mean, it's been a month since I have been exercising regularly and eating well. (I know, a month is not a lot of time) And I have gained weight. 2 lbs. I'm not sure how this has happened, but I can tell you, it is really discouraging. And it's not as if I were so low to begin with that any addition of muscle would bulk me up. Oh no. I am 20 lbs over my pre-George pregnancy weight and 11 lbs over my pre-Claire pregnancy weight. And 18 lbs over what I "should" weigh. But, I think my clothes are fitting a little better. If I haven't lost inches, I am at least more aware of my muscles now to hold them in, and be trying to keep my core strong and as tight as a tummy that's been stretched to it's max 4x can get. I still have a healthy layer of "subcutaneous fat" over that core, but at least I feel better now, right? Even if I don't look any better yet. If my goal were weight loss, I'd probabably not be wanting to keep on, but (I have to keep reminding myself) my goal is to get better in touch with my muscles, get in better shape and just be able to keep up with my kids better. If I end up being able to fit into my smaller clothes along the way, that's just icing on the cake (or, like low-fat dip on the cucumber..yeah).

I should be cleaning my toilet...

2008-07-26T11:56:00.002-05:00

I should. I have made Saturdays my super busy deep cleaning day for awhile now and today I am just out of sorts and tired and praying that the Lord would bring order to my disordered mind so I could finish a sentence in my head. I am in my pajamas. Sitting in a room whose floor needs to be mopped, adjoining other rooms whose floors need to be mopped. But the balancing act of guilt, compulsion, remembrance and lists is not coming together for me today. There are times I feel paralyzed into doing nothing because I can not figure out through the swirling storm of words in my mind, what is the most important thing for me to do RIGHT NOW. I start something, then go into another room, start something else..yada yada...you know the drill. I know I'm not the only one who does this mad caper. Some days it is worse than others though. So, of course, I decide to throw logic, of all things, out the window, and do NOTHING. Yeah, that makes sense. Of course, if there were a list of things eligible for window flinging, you'd think I would look to laziness, proctrastination, scatterbrainedness (of course it's a word!), guilt, feelings of incapability, etc. before I threw logic out. Spock, after all, is one of my heroes. But here I sit. And yes, I will get a lot done today. Eventually. But instead of starting early, being organized and methodical and well planned, I will accomplish my tasks for the day most probably through a mixture of an overdose of caffeine, pure, swift elbow grease, disorganized flying by the seat of my pants, and hurridly doing in a few hours what I could have done slowly over several more. And the result will be the same. My toilets will get cleaned, my floors will get mopped, my dishes will get done, my laundry will get put away. But at the end, I will probably be more frazzled, more fatigued and more on edge. And here's a thought: As time goes by, I am more and more convinced that God has so much more to do with the tiny little "inconsequential" nuances of my daily routine. And there are days when I forget this, or choose to ignore it, but that does not change the fact, that He is here, in my messy house, in my messy mind, and really and truly in control of it all, whether I acknowledge or willingly give over that control or not. Not to say that I have no choice or freedom of action. I know it is NOT God's fault if I choose to be lazy, selfish, disorganized, and the like. But I have come to see that there are times when circumstances are orchestrated that are outside of my control, (or not) and instead of trying to figure out how they got that way, and why I am in such a state because of it, what I need to do is thank God for being with me where I am and making the best of what I can with what I have while I am here (I've been reading Dickens, forgive the run-on sentences). I could spend the remainder of my squandered time questioning why I do this, why I can't seem to get motivated sometimes except by threat of time running out, why danger of failing at the last minute energizes me so, and then feel guilty that I am having these thoughts at all and let them paralyze me further, or I can decide to tear my eyes away from the destructive self examination and fix my eyes firmly on THIS moment. On what I have to do NOW, now that the time has slipped by, now that I am faced with the shame of my bad stewardship and the possibility of not accomplishing what I know to be important goals. So, at the end of my rant, here is my advice to myself: Get in the moment, quit analyzing why you are there, and just do what needs to be done. In other words, just for a little while...act like a man....while retaining the amazing multitasking powers of the woman God created you to be. Okay, I'm going to clean my toilet now. :)

2008-06-27T13:26:00.002-05:00

1. Claire is the most delicious baby you have ever seen. It is literally impossible to pick her up without kissing her. I am so head over heels in love with her.
2. I am so thankful for good friends, and for their love, and patience and encouragement.
3. My husband just seems to get better looking all the time. I think he's so much sexier now than when we got married.
4. George is reading "Driving Force: The Natural Magic of Magnets" written by an MIT professor....and he loves it.
5. Ian boy will be 5....5!!!! In 17 days....how did this happen?
6. Grace is so completely The Princess and the Pea...she's started randomly throwing things out of her bedroom at night because she "just can't sleep with them around her."
7. I *may*, I *might*, I (Oh please, please, please, for the love of all that is good and holy, Lord) *could possibly* be driving home with the kids to stay in NH and Maine in August for like 2 weeks!!!!!
8. I am almost done Bleak House, and seriously, I am just so thankful for Charles Dickens. No modern author (okay, maybe Douglas Adams) even comes close to the scathing wit, the deep figurative allusions, and just the complete mastery of the English language than "Chuck" (as Nate so irreverently calls him).
9. I *may* have a lead on a treadmill......I hope, I hope, I pray, I wish.
10. There is salad in my fridge. :)

Happiness...

2008-06-17T15:20:00.003-05:00

I love my husband. He's been working his tail off. It is the thick of the crazy-busy season at work right now. He is overworked, stressed, stretched, and exhausted. Yesterday he left home at about 6:30 am, and got home at about 10:30 pm, which is about an hour later than normal. He didn't even get so much as a chance for a drink of water until 12:30, and didn't get time for "lunch" until 5:30. He has a million and one loose ends he is trying to hold together and remember. This morning he left at about 4:30 am since he had to be at a jobsite at 5:30.

Well, yesterday, George finished his 1st grade phonics work. He was so very excited and said he couldn't wait to tell Daddy. I knew Nate wouldn't probably get home until after bedtime so I said we could call and tell him. Nate's phone was repeatedly busy so George just left him a message. I could tell he was a little disappointed. When Nate got home I asked him if he got G's message and just told him he should try to remember to make a big deal out of it the next time he saw George. He was about half awake as I told him this, and I thought I'd probably have to remind him later, too. Now, you must understand that Nate is not one of these people who writes notes or cards or whatever to people. He does not see a need for it usually and dreads doing it when he "has" to. So, I was so incredibly thrilled to see the joy on my son's face this morning when he showed me what Nate left him.

2008-06-13T09:45:00.003-05:00

1. BK Mocha Joe.....those things are so flippin' awesome!!!!!!!
2. It's Friday, which means tomorrow is Saturday, which means the day after that Nate will be home.
3. Watching George get so excited about finding new books at the library and read them voraciously.
4. We had a fantabulous time camping last week. It really was wonderful.
5. Charles Dickens....that is all.
6. Nate got home before the kids went to bed last night and we all prayed together before bedtime.
7. My parents found a car!!
8. Did I mention the Mocha Joe's?? And also making my own "Frapuccinos" at home...yummy!!
9. I have a cool idea for a Father's Day for Nathan...and I need to go work on it!!
10. w@h ....so thankful.
5.

2008-06-01T16:23:00.002-05:00

Why am I blogging on a Sunday?!?!? Because Nate is happily being climbed upon by the children on the couch while watching Nascar (I believe our descent into redneckhood is almost complete) and the baby is sleeping, and I am just stinking lazy. There are things I could be doing (always) but I just don't feel like it. I layed around this afternoon while 3 out of 4 kidlets napped and I slept in this morning. It's nice to feel a bit of the stringent tenseness melting out of me, being replaced by a semi-relaxed state of sleepiness.

Ah yes, I actually have content to document here. I went to the Dr. this week. It was mostly an exercise in futility, but I guess it's good to know things are "as they should be" pronounced by someone with letters after their name. I went because I've been having this weird abdominal swelling every month around the time I am ovulating. The Dr. said he really didn't think there was a connection between the swelling and ovulation, but if I really thought there was, maybe I should do something to suppress my ovulation, like start running 5 miles a day. He also said I should lose 10 lbs, and maybe that would help, but he really didn't have any idea what is going on. Some good has come of this, though, since in relating the story of the visit, some knowledgable friends have given me some ideas as to what it actually could be, and some ideas of things that could help. I am going to be looking into doing a cleanse soon, and thinking more along the lines of endometriosis. Regardless of what exactly is going on, I think Nate is more inclined towards our getting a treadmill now. If it is ovulation, endo, or some GI thing, exercise will help. Another thing exercise will help is this growing off and on battle with my....well, for lack of a better word...chemical balances. I refuse to call it depression, as it isn't to that point yet, but the times between the struggles are getting smaller, from years to months to weeks and I can see down the paths starting to reopen before me now the glimmers of dark places I have not been to in a long time, and have no wish to revisit. SO, I think getting a treadmill and MAKING it a priority to get daily exercise will be good on many fronts. I dream about running all the time now. I am looking and trying to be judicious and a good steward and just waiting for the Lord to bring the right deal along. We shall see.

On an entirely different note, I am really trying to decide which of Grace's "mispronunciations" is my favorite...."Dark Baiter" (Darth Vader) or "Sweeping Booty" (Sleeping Beauty).

10 Strange Things about Me....

2008-05-30T19:47:00.003-05:00

My sincerest apologies to Windy who tagged me for this like....(I don't know) awhile ago, and I haven't done it until tonight....so here goes....

1. As referenced slightly above, I have no internal chronometer. Like, you could put me in a room with no windows and no clocks and come back in 1o minutes and tell me you were gone three hours or vice versa and I would believe you. I really can't tell.

2. In spite of #1, for some God-is-giggling-about-it reason, I almost ALWAYS see 12:34 on the clock. I am not a habitual clock watcher at all, but for some reason, I almost always happen to glance at the clock when it is this...am and pm. I have tried to NOT see it, but I end up getting all anxious and can't stand it anymore and have to look and yup...there it is...12:34

3. My belly button has always looked like an arrow....pointing up. (Yes, it's a saggy arrow now)

4. I inadvertantly talk like whomever I am talking to. Dh can totally tell who I am talking to by how I am talking. I don't mean to do it, I just do it. Their tone of voice, their accent, their expressions, etc. I have no idea why.

5. I can't touch chalk. I don't know why either. It totally creeps me out, like makes my skin crawl.

6. Although I haven't drank really in over 10 years, I crave vodka almost ALL the time.

7. I am obsessed with Christmas. I love twinkling lights anytime. I listen to Christmas music all year round. Something inside me just sings continually when I even think about it.

8. I love tie dye, and classic rock. I am a thinly disguised hippie born in the wrong generation.

9. I HATE to hear myself sing. I enjoy singing only when I can't hear myself.

10. Okay, apparently, the scar weirdness is just too strange so I will change #10 to something else: The last strange thing about me: I sneeze twice every night before I go to sleep. Always.

2008-05-30T18:25:00.002-05:00

1. All my kids are healthy and (usually) happy.
2. My husband is able to work, I know that is a blessing.
3. I have family who loves me and supports me, always.
4. I have food in my fridge and pantry and freezer.
5. We have enough clothes to wear, and then some.
6. We have a house big enough for all of us, and then some.
7. I got a new inhaler.
8. I can read my Bible anytime, without ever fearing for my life or safety because I am doing so.
9. I have such an incredible network of wise and wonderful friends, online and off.
10. I am able to do what I need to take care of my children and my home.

Wordless Wednesday

2008-05-28T15:44:00.002-05:00

The Monkey Children

2008-05-24T14:50:00.002-05:00

In the blogging world, I am so not even up to "ameteur" status.

There are people who faithfully blog their daily activities; there are people who blog to tell you about great deals and wonderful ideas; and there are other people who blog witty, intelligent, thought-provoking, convicting essays.

I am none of the above.

I blog because it helps clear my head, and it helps me to see my crazy disordered thoughts written down. Okay, you say, then why not just write them down in a journal or in a word document for yourself? And....well, I don't really know the answer to that, except that I think there is a part of me that enjoys being "part" of something...such as "the blogging world", and even though I don't blog for the benefit of anyone but myself, and usually no one else would even find my blog posts intelligible, let alone interesting, I always do treasure when someone leaves a comment saying they at least understood, if not appreciated or commiserated with me about something that I wrote. Words of affirmation are a strong love language with me. Words, period, mean a lot to me. I hold books as one of the most valuable of my possessions, with my old worn out Bible being most precious. I have cards from people that wrote me 2 lines that touched my heart....10 years ago or more. I have saved every word that Nathan has ever written to me. And I long to hear more of his words, always, no matter what the subject. On Mother's Day, Ian wrote me a "card". It was a piece of cardstock, crookedly cut out to a small rectangular shape, with this written on it, "U love (picture of a heart) I" I knew as soon as I saw it that it would be one of my most treasured possessions forever. I love words, and not only words of affirmation, but words of learning, of conviction, etc. So, I think perhaps it fulfills a longing in my soul to have my own words "immortalized" in a fashion, by having them published for all the world to see. Even though the quality of them is usually scrambled, if not fried (hmm, I'm thinking eggs for supper..where was I??) I like to have them here. And thanks to anyone who has ever liked them, too. :)

His mercies are new every morning...

2008-05-20T16:03:00.002-05:00

.....Of course, and I knew this, and I know it now. I think sometimes I convince myself that there are pits too deep for God to climb into. As if MY sin is just too "bad" for the Father of forgiveness to take away. It is amazing-the presumption of pride. But the truth is, that Jesus became, has already become, (and taken care of) every shameful, evil, malevelant, disgusting sin there ever was. So, for me to cry out to Him in my sin is not ludicrous, it's what He has been waiting for me to figure out that I should do. I can't begin to convey the depth of my gratefulness for this fact.

2008-05-19T19:33:00.002-05:00

I have nothing nice to say...so I should say nothing, right? I guess I am hoping that if I get all the not nice things off my chest and onto the computer they will not weigh so heavily. Or maybe I just want to gripe......

I am angry, just stressed and angry and feel at the end of my frayed rope and utterly alone in this struggle of parenting and living. I know IN MY HEAD that the Lord is with me, that His strength is made perfect in my great faltering weakness, that I can do all things through Him, but my heart is just turning a blind eye to all that written out so neatly and sweetly. It sometimes is hard to get those words past the screaming and the poop and the stress and the fighting and the defiance and the long lonely hours. I know I am stuck focusing on the negative, but I just can't seem to gather the willpower to change my perspective. Right now I just hate....I don't even know what....the fact that I am alone? The fact that my husband is in a job where he gives 110% of himself (which leaves next to nothing for his family) and is not appreciated for it, but demeaned by the one whose company he is fighting for?? the fact that there is poop in the bathtub and the laundry room right now that I am just too completely stressed out to clean up without totally losing it?? The fact that after all these years, at times like this I still crave cigarettes??? Yuck. Maybe it's the fact that there are times I can fool myself and possibly others into thinking I have things together somewhat and can actually cope well with what my life entails, and then I have a day like today on top of a day like yesterday and all of sudden I feel utterly exposed as the incompetent wretch that I am. How is is good for my children to have a mother like this? How is it good for my husband to have a wife like this? It's not. And yet here I sit, in my wretchedness. I am tired, oh so tired, physically and emotionally and mentally exhausted. And I am not reacting well, I am not acting well, I am not thinking well. Certainly nothing approaching godliness. I just want to leave, I just want to run, I just want to erase all of this for the shame of it being true. How can my outlook be so mercurial?? One day I feel on top of the world, as if I can feel the mighty hand of God leading and protecting me, and then sometimes it's as if I have leaped a chasm He just won't cross. I suppose that is the leap into sin, where God can have no part. It's not that my circumstances are so horrible, far from it. It's just that somedays I cannot summon the energy to react towards them as I know I should. And this has become one of those days.

Friday Felicities

2008-05-16T14:37:00.003-05:00

I made the absolute best tasting homemade vanilla ice cream this morning, and added some homemade strawberry jelly to half of it...yum
Claire looks beyond adorable in little curly pigtails
Only two more days til Nate has a day off
A REALLY good paycheck for Nate's 76 hours last week
Chatting with friends online, on the phone and in person
Being invited to play games with friends tonight...I can't wait!!
Getting a little progress on Mt. Laundrytobedone
Boys who play outside HAPPILY for over an hour together
My new Kodak scanner/copier/ PICTURE PRINTER!!!!!!
Hugs from my kids......way more valuable than any money I could be paid for my work
Emails from my cute, sweet and wonderful mother
Finding friends
Corny jokes a la Ian "Hey, Mama, Knock Knock!...(Who's there)....Hat...(hat who?)...Hat who is wearing on George when he goes outside to play!!!.......get it?????"
Observations a la George "Mama, I noticed we don't have an antenna on our van. Racecars don't have antennas either, probably so they don't get distracted by the radio when they are supposed to be paying attention to driving."
Demands a la Gracie "It's sixty-firty to wake up time, Mama, I stayed in my bed and my nundewaaaaaare is dwy, can I have some mint gum??"
Declarations a la Clairey "No, NO!" (pointing at the table, which she's been corrected twice for climbing up on today)
Remembering Nattie on Fridays especially....:)

Did I really say that?!?

2008-05-08T08:55:00.003-05:00

It seems like strange things have been coming out of my mouth lately. They make perfect sense in the context in which they occur, but taken out, they do sound pretty weird. Here are some examples:

"Stop using the force on your sister!"
"We do not eat dinosaurs."
"Please don't make jewelry out of your fruit."
"It's not nice to pretend to flush Grandma."
"Legos do not go in your underwear."
"Get Spiderman off the cat."
"No, I do not want to see your 'cool' stinky."
"Yes, I'm sure Batman loves you."
"We do not dance while we are peeing."
"No, I don't think Jesus is hiding under your bed."
"Monsters are allergic to freesia body spray."
"No, Daddy does not just swim in pools all day."
"No, wild rice does not turn you into a wild animal."

And then there are the things that I say on average 657 times per day. Man, if I only had a nickel for every time I said....

"Shut, flush, and wash."
"No whining!!!!!!!"
"Use your words."
"If you get it out, put it away."
"Go potty now!"
"Hands in your pockets in the store."
"Figure it out."
"Obey right away, the right way, with the right attitude."
"Quietly, quietly."
"Is that loving your neighbor?"
"I love you"
"No, we can't call Daddy right now."
"No snacks right now."

And then there's the things I wish I said more often.....

"Of course you may do the laundry for me."
"No, Dear, I don't mind if you take the kids for the day."
"Sure, I'd like another Starbucks."
"Round trip tickets to see my parents?? Great!"
"Oh, I dropped another size! How about that?"
"Maid service for life? Okay, if that's what you think best, Dear."
"No, I am not too young to have all these children."
"Girl's night out? Okay!!"
"You taught yourself to clean the bathroom top to bottom? What a good boy!"
"I'd love to have some flowers, how sweet!"

And then there's the things that I continually have to remind myself of, that I tell myself over and over....

"Thou will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee."
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
"Remember your grandmother."
"Only a few more days until Nate is home."
"Give it to the Lord."
"Action, not anger."
"Let it go."
"Be a blessing."
"She opens her mouth in wisdom and on her tongue is the law of kindness."
"His grace is sufficient for me."
"His mercies are new every morning."

I guess that last list is the one I need to keep in mind. :)

2008-05-02T15:02:00.004-05:00

1. Only two days until Nathan is home with us ALL DAY
2. I get to go to the church yard sale tommorow
3. It is sunny and warm and breezy out
4. I am sort of (crossing my fingers) caught up on laundry
5. Everyone took a nap today....PTL!!
6. Nate is wisdom tooth-less and has done great so far.
7. I had a great big Caesar salad for lunch, and it was wonderful
8. I need to make bread today.....but thanks to my Zo, it will take me all of 5 minutes to do, then 2 1/2 hours later, fresh homemade bread!!
9. Facebook.......I'm starting to love it.
10. I am so thankful for friends who inspire and encourage and sharpen me just by being themselves.

2008-04-26T14:54:00.002-05:00

I'm looking for curriculum for George for second grade. It is a frustrating endeavor. I know what I think he needs to know, I know what he knows now, and I know what "they" say he should know in second grade. I also know that I want to get a lot of Rod and Staff again, but not everything. I am checking out Miquon Math, and looking into getting a science book. One of the things I love about homeschooling is that you don't have to wait for the slowest kid in the class to catch up before you can move on to new material. I mean, if my child gets fractions after one lesson, great, on to the next thing, and if they don't get it after 3 weeks, then we can stay working on it until he does get it. I love this. BUT, it has lent itself to a bit of impatience with the curriculum. On one hand, I am very thankful for well organized, godly curriculum that presents material in an easy to digest fashion, and takes the guess work out of what I should teach when. On the other hand, what if said wonderful curriculum is taking 3x as long as is necessary (for my child) to explain the parts of speech, or the basics of a math concept? Do I skip pages of review, risking that I may miss an important step in nailing the concept in my child's mind, or do I make him do all the repetitive pages and reviews, risking that he loses interest in the subject and starts to dread doing schoolwork at all??? (I am so not one of these home school people who think that school should just be a chore and they are going to do it whether they like it or not. My goal is to instill a love of learning in my children and nurture their natural curiosity.) I have not found the end-all, be-all answer for this dilemma, and it comes up in a much bigger way when I am choosing curriculum. What if all of the concepts that are introduced for the second grade are things we have already talked about, and I know he understands? Do I get it anyway, because he needs the review, and I may have missed some key fragment that would keep him from understanding it wholly later on? Or do I only get what will be all new and challenging to him? I am not sure what to do.....I am sure I am not doing Rod and Staff math, there is no longer any question that it is just waaaaaay too slow and repetitious. If I had G do all the review in the math books, he would surely learn to dread and be bored by math. Right now, he is still retaining interest, and enjoying it, doing what we have been, which is skipping every other page, and doing half of it orally. I know he is ready for much more advanced math, and I am hoping what I find for 2nd grade will be a better fit for him.

Should I get a separate Bible curriculum, or just continue to supplement Bible reading to the readers, which are straight from Bible stories? Should I get some sort of a devotional for him? Should I start teaching Bible stories, a la felt figures and board??? And what about Grace and Ian?? Do I really need to buy anything just to teach them basic phonics and beginning reading? (I don't really think so) Should I do them together, or would it be better to teach them separately? Hmmmm, can you tell I have a TON of questions in my mind right now about this? (And have I reached my quota for question marks???)

I am excited, though, for George to be doing second grade, and for us to be doing it together. I love homeschooling (as challenging as it is sometimes, and as inept as I am too often) and I am so thankful that we are able to do it. I know it is only going to get more challenging as time goes on
but possibly part of the routine will get easier with time.....like mothering. I mean, the more kids you have, the harder it is to keep up with everything, but the more knowledge passes to instinct, and routines get into place, so you don't have to think about them as much anymore. I am still a little conflicted on which camp I will fall into when it comes to co-ops, lessons, sports and all. It seems like there are two extremes that most people fall into (and I know wonderful, godly families that are in both camps). There is the harried, running here, there and everywhere, kids in all sorts of lessons (piano, horseback, Spanish, soccer, ballet, art, etc.), perpetually exhausted and stretched far too thin, time wise and financially. And on the other end of the spectrum are the families that aren't involved in anything, and are together as a family all the time, whose children don't have any "extra-curricular" activities at all. I can see good sides to both, and I can also see that the time I have to observe and decide is decreasing, and the opportunities and options for involvement are only increasing. Of course, just as in any endeavor, this needs to be bathed in prayer, and peace sought for confirmation of any decision.

Speaking of decisions, and peace, (since this is my blog and there aren't actually any "topic police" who fine you if you go from rabbit trail to rabbit trail in your topics..) I am so greatly relieved to have finally been given peace over a subject which I had agonized over for over a year. I went over and over the arguments for both sides of the coin, talked to many different couples who had made the decision we are considering, and prayed and prayed and talked and talked, and waited on the Lord, and just recently I feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest. While doing my routine rumination of this subject, I suddenly realized that I didn't feel the internal conflict any more, I didn't feel the guilt or the indecision or the angst that had so far accompanied any mental perusal of the facts pertaining to this decision. It is a beautiful thing to be released to peace. We haven't taken any steps toward acting on this decision, and who knows, maybe the Lord will bring some other things forward for us to consider about this, but for right now, I am just so thankful to the Lord that He has set me free in this.

And on that note, I think I will get back to looking at curriculum......:)

2008-04-03T13:22:00.002-05:00

This always happens. I have pages and pages of things I write in my head, just aching to blog them at the time I am thinking them, imagining how it will clarify my thought process and be wonderful to get it all down. Then, on the rare occasion that I actually have time to sit down and type at the computer, all of these seemingly pertinent thoughts have flitted away like so many elusive butterflies in the spring time. Maybe it's that there is just so much, all the time, swirling and thrashing around in my head, that when I have to actually pick a single topic to concentrate on, it's kind of hard. I guess I should write something, though, after all, I am here, now.

Yes, I am here, sitting in my rocker, next to the sleeping cat on my messy bed. The window is beside me, and outside the window is a thin dogwood. It seems almost bent down with the weight of the big blossoms on it. They seem way out of proportion to the spindly branches holding them up to the sun. But, it's nice to look at. There's also (while we are on our tour of "Charity's view") the stump of a tree that a little yellow and black bird has been diligently trying for 3 days now to peck a hole into, I'm assuming a hole big enough for him to live in. These Georgia pines do grow so tall and thin. Being from "The Pine Tree State", I do consider myself if not an expert, then at least an expert appreciator of the pine tree. Pine trees in Maine grow tall, but they are ever so much fuller and fatter than the ones here.

Okay, I'm bored reading what I've written, what hope do I have that the unsuspecting random reader here has even made it this far without falling asleep and drooling all over their keyboards??? *Please note that the author of this blog is not legally responsible for damage to keyboards caused by drooling readers* Hey, maybe that could be my new home business! Not drool on keyboards I mean, but I could set up a website where I write whatever mind dulling drivel I think of for the purpose of putting my readers to sleep. Insomniacs everywhere will be blessing my name. ;P

And now for something completely different...

It is April, we are just on the cusp of pool season. Of course, I know this every year, I feel more prepared every year. Usually I have a bit of a freak out those first few late nights, the first 6 work day week, but then I mentally get in the groove and get into gear for it, and it's fine. But this year, I have older children who actually notice that their Daddy is suddenly not able to be around, and they don't understand why. Well, George understands why, although he may be having the hardest time with it, at least he gets it. Ian and Grace are not old enough to understand, they just want him here. And I think it seems harder this year as well because of the way that God has orchestrated circumstances and Nate's heart since last year, and he more than ever wishes he could be home. I think I am actually the one in the family that will have the easiest time of it this year, besides darling Claire, who is still blissfully clueless that anything is different than it was a month ago. Still, we shall persevere, and I know it is my responsibility to be the glue that holds us all together, and I know that with Christ making His strength perfect, complete, in my weakness, that I can do it.

On another topic entirely, I am so discouraged about my lack of weight loss. I have never been so heavy this long after having a baby, not even when I was 3 or 4 months pregnant again. It's not that I have a TON of weight to lose, either, it's just that it won't budge. Not that I am killing myself exercising to get rid of it, though. I think that's half the discouragement right there, I feel like I am unable to get to the exercise that I know would kick these last 15-20 lbs. I have tried several times to do an exercise video in the afternoon, but with the boys only sleeping every other day, and even then it seems like someone is up every 15 minutes, it only gets more and more frustrating trying to get into doing a 30 minute video. I have looked into getting a treadmill, but then I think I would only run into the same problem. I know there are moms with little kids who actually find time to exercise, but I don't know where they find the energy, or the uninterrupted time. I have started to consider actually looking into getting a real gym membership, but I really don't know if the time and money for that is a reasonable expectation. But, I will be having my 2nd 29th birthday this year, it's kind of big one, and I have thought about getting together a "sales presentation" for Nate on why a gym membership would be good. Of course, there's always child care, but I think some gyms have child care there, although there would have to be a pretty high set of standards met for me to feel comfortable with leaving my kids. I know I have friends out there who would gnaw their own feet off before putting their children in a situation like that, but I have yet to be convinced either way. I know it is a long shot, but I am going to check it out anyway. Who knows??

And now I have officially wiled away the time when I should have been doing laundry, but on the upside, I feel a bit less stressed than I did a while ago. And tomorrow holds promise of a picnic at the park (oh boy, what on earth am I going to bring for food...) and also friends coming over to play games, so that will be fun. I am way late on mailing my mom's birthday present, because I had this idea in my head and couldn't find exactly what I was looking for, so I don't know exactly what to do now......okay I'm done babbling, you may return to your regularly scheduled surfing.

Babbling.....

2008-02-19T11:59:00.003-05:00

Kids are playing outside. Baby is napping. I am sitting here checking my email (among other things) because I know if I don't do it now, I will want to do it this afternoon while I should be trying to get the rest of my stuff ready for the consignment sale. I have all but a few clothing items tagged, only about 20 left. I have all the shoes done, most of the bibs, and I did have all the cute little socks sorted and laid out, until Ian and Grace decided to raid my closet. I am typing slowly because somehow I totally flipped out on my own floor the other night, smashed my knee against the door frame and tore half of my thumbnail off. I'm still not exactly sure how I fell, but it must have looked funny when I did. My shoulder is going out again. My neck/shoulder muscles are so tense and sore. I need to get back the the chiropractor. I haven't been since before Christmas.

I am so beyond exhausted, it's ridiculous. Kids have been up, sick, teething, bad dreams, etc. a ton. Several nights lately I have just slept in the girls room, or rather laid there half asleep for short intervals of time inbetween getting up with one or the other of them. I'm sure one of these days everyone will sleep throught the night again....hopefully.....right????

Claire is walking faster all the time, she is so cute. She reminds me of a friends' son whose father said of him "He isn't really walking as much as he's just throwing his feet at the floor." :) We are all very excited because we are going to the circus on Thursday night!! One of Nate's clients gave him tickets for Christmas. The kids are so hyped up, counting down the days. We were hoping to go down and visit David one of these weekends, but it hasn't worked out yet. Hopefully soon as well, although I'd really prefer to be a little bit caught up on rest before we go down.

I still haven't found a treadmill yet. Either they are too expensive, too cheap/junky to run on, or they are gone before I contact the person. I haven't checked in a few days, actually, I need to look again. I wish I could just join a gym. I miss that so much, but (as I keep reminding myself) that is a monetary and logistical impossibility right now. Maybe in a few years. I need to start doing my Tae Bo videos again, but I have been trying every spare moment to get the consignment sale done, I haven't done any exercising in almost 2 weeks now! Blech....that's not the way for me to get into my summer clothing.

Nate and I have been watching The Office on dvd from Netflix lately. We just finished disc 2 of Season 2. I know we are going to be so bummed when we catch up to current times and there is no more Office on tv because of the dumb writers strike!!

On a happy note, I picked up the first Mitford book at Goodwill the other day. I had found the second one at Sal. Army a few weeks ago, and considered buying the rest online, but as I couldn't find them for less than about $4 a piece with shipping, I decided to wait. I started At Home in Mitford last night. It was lovely. I also found a copy of Intimate Issues by Linda Dillow and someone else whose name I can't remember. I had heard from several people that this was a good book, and it was in great condition so I picked it up. I have read about half of it, and it is sooooo good. It has really opened my eyes a lot, and I have already learned quite a bit. I have several friends I will want to loan it out to when I am done. I highly recommend it, at least what I have read so far.

I have no idea what I am going to make for lunch for the kids. I know what I'm having, though...a great big mug of coffee!! I've been trying to time my caffeine consumption just right so that I don't caffeinate my breast milk and make Clairey even less likely to sleep, as has happened a few times, I suspect. I really don't know when I will be done nursing. I have no reason to stop, really, and she shows no inclination towards quitting, although I think she does enjoy a bottle more than me if she's really hungry, and she's not really a kid who likes to comfort nurse a whole lot. I nurse her once in the early morning, once at afternoon naptime, once at bedtime, and then whenever she really wants to if she wakes up in the night, which has been quite a bit lately. Someone asked me awhile ago when I quit nursing my babies, and I said "When I am 3 or 4 months pregnant." So, really, I don't know if this time, I just won't know when to quit, since I don't plan on being pregnant again.

I think I've babbled enough. Obviously, I couldn't think of any one theme or topic to talk about, but just thought it had been too long since I have actually blogged. I promise next time will be much more interesting. (written for the benefit of anyone reading this who is still awake after reading this far.)

2008-01-22T15:15:00.000-05:00

I came really close to buying a treadmill over the weekend, but unfortunately, it was sold before I got back with the person, and now I am kicking myself over it. I would love, love, love, love to have a treadmill. I ran for years (pre-baby days) and I am starting to feel that yearning again, and to be able to do that at home, when I can, without having to find childcare or drive anywhere, that would be very blissfull. I have done the Billy Blanks Tae Bo foundations video
a few times now, and I really like it. I have been getting more sleep lately, since the baby has been sleeping all night almost every night for about a week and a half (Praise the Lord!!!) so I should have more energy in the morning, but every time I try to get up early to work out or get stuff done, I am so exhausted by noonish, I am crabby and worthless. I think I get my best quality sleep from about 4am to 8am. The problem is I rarely get to stay in bed until 8 am. Maybe I just need to stick it out and get into more of a routine, and once it becomes habitual, it won't be so bad. I do really want to get a treadmill, though. I am watching a few on ebay and keeping my eyes out on local sites, and really hoping something comes up soon. I need to start doing something, if not for my health and weight loss, than just for stress reduction. I swear I would be a nicer person if I had a punching bag in my closet. I hate to admit it, having railed against the Buchanan temper all my life, but I do have a twinge of it. Somewhere in my blood there courses the long lost genes of a fierce Scottish warrior, and it does get the best of me sometimes. I am praying that if it is the Lord's will, He will let me find a decently priced, good quality treadmill. Just imagining running in my bedroom, listening to Third Day, getting all the angst pushed out in sheer physical exhaustion.......this sounds heavenly.

2008-01-19T15:33:00.000-05:00

This is a picture of the boys playing in the snow in Maine. As I sit here, with the window to my back, I can almost feel the happiness of my Georgia trees, as they are now covered with snow. It looks so beautiful outside. How lovely for the Lord to have given us this gift of winter "warmth" by sugaring our scenery. :)

2008-01-14T10:43:00.000-05:00

I had great plans to get out my New Years Letter today. I was going to finish it on Saturday, stuff envelopes on Sunday, and mail it out today. Yeah, that didn't happen. I did have a wonderful, absolutely wonderful time on Saturday at the Ladies of Grace brunch. What a sweet and lovely hostess, she was thrilled to have us all invade her home, dirty up her beautiful dishes, and crowd her house all up. We had tea, coffee, muffins, fresh fruit, and her famous, to die for quiche. The company was delightful, there was a very timely devotional by a lovely Titus 2 woman who shared her heart and encouraged us to keep our eyes on the Lord, not on ourselves as we strive to meet our goals. I got to meet some new people, fellowship with others, and finally got to participate in the secret prayer pals. I don't know the woman whose name I picked at all, so I am excited to get to know her and pray for her. I have never gotten to go to this brunch before, and have wanted to every year since we started going to the church. It was worth the wait, and the entire lovely experience was sponsered by my dear and sacrificing friends who gave their time, their service and their love to allow me to go to this. I love them, and I am so thankful for them. Saturday afternoon the kids took great naps, and was able to finally finish organizing the playroom/school room/computer room. I got the bookshelves moved, the dress up clothes organized, all the toys and books gone through, the craft things organized, the toybox reduced, and the stacks of stuff on the shelves contained. May I just say that I am addicted to the cute little storage boxes from Big Lots. They are white, come in many different sizes, and are only $1.50-$3.00!!! I have 9 of them on my shelves right now and they work so well. They keep everything neat and contained and easy to take down. Anyway, so I got that all done, then made Claire's birthday cake and supper and got the rest of the house picked up. Nate's parents came over at 6 and we had a little (late) birthday celebration for Claire. She was so cute, eating chocolate cake for the first time and opening her presents. Big George had a cold, so they didn't stay too long. Nate moved the living room around so the loveseat is back in front of the tv. The living room looks so empty without the Christmas tree and decorations in it. I still don't have the pictures back up on the walls. My house seems somehow bereft, like I took away it's pretty scarf and it is standing in the cold looking at me accusingly, waiting for me to wrap it back up again, in something. That night I snuggled on the loveseat next to Nathan while he watched football, and that was where my trouble started.

Well, trouble, or lack of self control perhaps, would be a better term. You see, I am addicted........to books. I love them, I worship them, I exult in the written word, the feel of pages, the heavy thickness of a volume in my hands, pregnant with the promise of interesting vocabulary, entrancing storylines, surprising plot twists; The beauty and familiarity of the classics, the evocative lustre of modern books, the transendant ability of "the story" to take you to another place, blind you with sunlight late at night and make your nostrils curl, filled with the scent of a bonfire, listening to the crackle of twigs and logs succumbing to bright flames, while you are lying in bed. Take you to another plane of experience and teach you and show you things your mind never would have gone to otherwise. I lust after books, I need them, I yearn for them. There is a sense of peace in my soul that can only be achieved by holding a fat book in my hands and knowing that I have this "place" to go to, this small haven of imagination to retreat to. I totally suffer from abibliophobia (the fear of being without books).....I get seriously stressed out if I know I have no book to read-If I have read everything on my shelves numerous times recently, and I have nothing waiting for me when I am done reading whatever I am reading. Trips to the library are almost as good as trips to Starbucks for me. (I'll wax eloquent about my coffee addiction another time.) Now, don't get me wrong, I am a mother and wife first and I don't spend all my day reading, but just to know that when I am done my day, when I do have a few precious moments to sit and not be consumed with all the many things I have to be doing at that moment, a good book is waiting for me- that is a glorious feeling.

I have been slowly working my way through the Dickens novels. My brother-in-law gave me a beautiful copy of Great Expectations three years ago for Christmas. That started me re-interest in Dickens and I read that and quickly went on to Oliver Twist, Dombey and Son, Our Mutual Friend, Bleak House (Oh, Bleak House, lovely, lovely) The library does not have The Old Curiosity Shop, (appalling, I know) so I tried at this point to start The Pickwick Papers, and just couldn't get into it. So I read a few other series. I love Dickens, I think he is an absolute genious, but he's pretty heavy. So, interspersed with the Dickens novels, I usually read other books inbetween, and sometimes while, reading other ones. I had resolved to get through the Pickwick Papers, and started it last week sometime, after finishing books 4+5 of a series I started last year. I got about 200 pages in, and started to languish, so I thought I would get some "braincake" reading to distract me for awhile and then be able to go back to Pickwick and finish it. Here is where my aforementioned trouble comes in. I had heard from a few people that "The Time Travelers Wife" was a good one, (in the "braincake") category, so I got it from the library on Thursday. Saturday evening at about 10, sitting with Nathan on the loveseat I started to read it. I was almost immediately hooked, and tried to stop reading several times that night but couldn't stop until page 212 at about 12:30 or 1. Yesterday Claire slept in way late, (so Nate let me sleep in as well-I love that man!!) and by the time I, and the baby, had gotten up and around, church was out of the question. Nate was wanting to do something fun with the kids anyway, so we packed them up and went to a McDonalds with Hi-fi and an outside playground, and let them have a great time playing while we drank coffee and Nate looked online at work-from-home possibilities. We had a great time. Then we asked where they wanted to eat lunch and pizza was voted best, so we went to Stevie B's, where the whole family can eat salad, pizza, and ice cream for $17.12. Then we went home and all took a nap. When I woke up at 4ish (again, my wonderful husband let me sleep) I couldn't keep myself from starting to read again, and read off and on all afternoon and evening, interspersed with reading to the kids and fixing supper and getting the kids to bed. I knew I was getting sucked into the story too much, and should go to something else, but I just wanted to find out what happened. I finally finished the book at about 1, and not only felt tragically as if I had lost something (as I usually do when I finish a good book), but also so weighed down by what the story had reminded me of. It was a very strange love story that ended with the husband dying, tragically, sadly, unnecessarily. It just made me think of love, and loss, and the worst wrenching of the heart- to lose someone you love. It brought back all the fear of when I heard my mother was in the hospital, worry over Ian's stomach hurting him randomly recently, empathy over the families of friends who have died, and anxiety for the future. I just laid in bed with tears streaming down my face next to my sleeping husband and prayed for the Lord not to take away those people whom I love. I just don't see how I could handle it. I dreamed fitfully all night, of love and loss and strange combinations of the book I had just finished and real life worries. It was not a restful night. I know if I had paced myself and read that book over the whole week, it wouldn't have been like that, but when I read a book so quickly, I just become enmeshed in the story, and I have a hard time getting my mind out of it. All of that to say that when I sat down here to write the New Years letter that I should have gotten done this weekend, all I could think of was the heaviness in my heart, the wrenching of unwanted tears, and the fear of a future that contains real reason to cry. In short, completely the opposite of what I was blessed with Saturday morning at the brunch, completely the opposite of what I intended to convey in my letter, and completely the opposite of what the Lord wants me to keep my mind trained upon.

These thoughts are not habitual with me, I do fight (strenuously) to keep them from my daily ruminations, and I hate when I succumb to the burden of anxiety, and give these things a foothold. I am disappointed in myself, and I am struggling now to dig out of the pit that I have plunged myself into. I can not live my life, I can not achieve my goals, I can not love my family and neighbors as I should when I am in that place. So, now I am trying to get back to that place, that peace of mind that comes only by having my mind stayed (fixed, determinedly steadfast) on the Lord. Not on a silly story that sucked me in, not on the uncertainty of the future, or the grief of the past, but on the certainty that nothing, not height, nor depth, not principality, nor power, nothing can seperate me from the love of Jesus.

2008-01-07T11:30:00.000-05:00

It is January...God's gift of mercy and chance for restitution after the decadence of December, (on a purely unspiritual level). I am sitting in the relative warmth of my front room, with the window at my back, showing me mostly green grass, striped with shadows thrown by a shameless sun, who apparently thinks that January has nothing whatsoever to do with chill and cold and dark retreat. A Southern sun. Being from the North, an intrinsic part of my nature rebels at this seemingly unnatural predeliction of the sun to radiate so brightly, so gloriously, in January, of all months. It seems proper to me, rather, for the sun to be shrouded in heavy clouds, (pregnant with fat snowflake babies) and secluded among the white and distant skies. It was good to be around that Northern sun for awhile. The sun rises there early, sparkling bright on the sugar white diamonds of snow covering the ground. Apparently it is a forgetful sun, as it seems to rise with the expectation of going strong for a full summer day. By noon, I think it has realized that it is outnumbered greatly by winter clouds, and sheepishly resigns itself to acting as a proper winter sun should-gleaming weakly, and retiring early. About 1 pm, the clouds nudge each other conspiratorily and wink at the sun, who is starting to yawn already from its earlier efforts at blazing across the sky. By 3, the sun's eyelids are already drooping, and it is sinking towards it's snowy bed. By 4, for all intents and purposes, it is sunset, and the buzzing, hyper stars are already starting to twinkle with excitement, impatient for the sun to succumb to its slumber so that they can take center stage. This took some getting used to, as I have grown accustomed to a few more hours of daylight, even in the grip of winter. It just served as an excuse to break out the puzzles and coffee earlier, though, and stretched the children's naps in the afternoon until almost suppertime. I did adjust well, especially as I was so thoroughly delighted with the amount of snow (in the sky, on the ground, all around) that any other "inconvenience" of winter was rendered completely trivial. On our journey north, we first saw snow as dirty banks piled along the roadsides, but the farther north we went, the more glorious it became. Heading into New England, the interstates have been carved out of sheer rock, so to either side of the road, great jagged cliffs rise up, with snow layered upon the rocky outcroppings. It started snowing in earnest as we entered New Hampshire, great, sticky gangs of snowflakes flurrying down in a mad rush to cover everything. It was enthralling. When we pulled into my parents dooryard, my mother (who is just cute anyway, but in a homemade knit hat with a green pom-pom on top looks almost munchkin like) had just finished shoveling a path through the snowdrift left by the plowtruck at the end of her driveway. The children were delighted to see the heavy, ponderous flakes covering their arms and outstretched hands as they were carried from the van into the house. I think Grace laughed outloud non-stop. It is just my personal opinion, that while unsullied fields of radiant white reflecting the sun are nice, and while tall banks of frosting-like snowbanks could make a person smile, and that watching swirling flakes of crystalline beauty fall onto your mittened hand, show their geometric perfection, and then melt magically is also a beautiful thing, that the true glory of snow is revealed best when it is adorning trees. Seeing pine trees in the winter without snow just seems uncomplete, like seeing a woman lovingly caress her husbands face, with a hand that wears no wedding ring. It is amazing the different caricatures trees will become under a disguising blanket of snow. Sometimes they look like tall, elegant ladies, with slender white fingers outstretched to display the finest, intricate, gauzy lace. Sometimes the trees look like giant, stout mountain men, covered with layers and layers of heavy coats and blankets, smiling down at you from beneath great white wooly caps, as they trudge slowly up the hillside under their warm burdens. I just think trees need snow like children need kisses. I have a lot more to write about our time in the snowy north, but for now, I must go feed (and kiss) my wild children.

2007-12-06T10:25:00.000-05:00

Okay, to those of you who read my blog to catch up with what is going on with me and see how my kids are doing and all of that...(all three or four of you, heh) I am giving you permission to take the day off. I am just in need of getting some thoughts straight in my head, and this is the easiest medium I have to accomplish that in. I am not looking for comment or help, I am just needing the help I can attain through seeing my thoughts written down, and I feel it worth recording, for my own benefit in the future.

Nate and I had a long talk last night, and I feel we even made a bit of a breakthrough in our communication in that I finally accomplished my goal of getting him to "fight" with me, as opposed to his regular reaction when we "talk" which is to shrug his shoulders and mumble. We talked about a lot of different things, but the crux of it was that I really needed him to understand that his comments and implications and disappointments in me (which seem to have intensified as of late) were not entirely justified. I mean, the premise of him being upset with me was that he just thinks I could do better if I really tried, (at keeping the house clean, cooking gourmet meals, being thrifty with money, etc.) and while there are DEFINITELY times when I could do better, and need to do better at all of those things, and a myriad of other things, MOST of the time, I really am trying my best and doing the best I can in the circumstances I am in. I was not trying to justify mediocrity, or to give him a diatribe on "oh poor me, my life is so hard, blah, blah, blah" at all. My life is not hard, but it is complicated. And I just wished him to believe that I really do put forth quite an effort to do the best at what I have to do. The biggest point of contention we have in this arena is in the area of spending money. It seems that no matter how hard I try, no matter how long I spend searching Goodwill for second hand clothes for our family, no matter how much time I spend shopping deals, planning, hauling my four children to four or five different places because I can get the best deals on different things at different stores...he still finds fault, he still makes comments implying that I am frivolous, wasting money, not measuring up. I tried last night to help him to understand that I am doing the best I can. I don't really know if he believed me or not. That part of the discussin ended with him agreeing to sit down with me and for us to do a budget together, like I have been wishing to do for months. I think what hurts me in all of these areas is that I continually feel like I do not measure up, like he has this standard in his mind of what I should be like, and I never attain it, and he is continually reminding me of that. And what hurts is that he just assumes I am not even trying to attain it. I did get him to acknowledge that it would be fruitless and only cruel to continue to demean someone for putting forth their best effort. My contention is that most of the time, I AM putting forth my best effort, and my struggle is to get him to believe that, because he does not. I think in his mind, there is no basis of respect for me or of even acknowledging that I am competent enough to be given the benefit of the doubt that I would be doing the best I could be. And I don't know how to change this in his mind. I feel that I do, most of the time, give my best effort, but if that is not good enough, how can I try harder? I told him that while his opinion of me is the one on earth that matters the most, I still have to operate within the parameters of doing what I feel is right before the Lord for our family. I could keep a bit of a better home, I could have things neater and straighter more often, IF I set my children in front of tv for 6 hours a day, left the baby to cry in her crib, sent kids to kindergarten or preschool instead of homeschooling, but I don't feel those things are within the parameters of what the Lord wishes me to do. My first priority is not a spotless home. (Even if it were, I don't think it would be possible to attain that with the kids at the ages that I have right now anyway.) My first priority is the physical, spiritual and emotional health of my children. I don't feel that is negotiable, and I don't even feel that that is something Nate wants me to change, since he has been very encouraging in that area, and praised me before for my commitment to raising our children right. Sometimes, however, keeping true to that commitment means other areas don't receive the attention that he feels I should give them. It is a wonderful day when I can feed my kids healthy food all day long, keep them clean and cared for and played with and taught and keep up with the housework so that all is calm and clean and quiet when my husband comes home from work to a well planned and wonderful dinner. I love those days, but in reality, those days are few and far between. Most days I can keep things mostly picked up, and he comes home to neat (but not spotless) surroundings, a semi thrown together dinner (that is still healthy and good tasting) and five people who love him more than anyone else on earth, and are so very excited to see him, and I can't help but wonder, why can't that be good enough? I tried to make him understand, too, that I feel this is a season in our lives, and that it probably won't stay at this level of chaos forever. As the children get older and more independant, I can accomplish more, they can be accountable for more, and routines of doing things will get more polished and run more smoothly. But at the place we are at now, yes, it will be chaotic sometimes, it will be messy sometimes, it will not be what I would wish for as far as a perfect environment. In picking his brain last night, trying to get him to spell out for me exactly what he wanted, how different things make him feel and all that, he did say that he didn't know if it was right or not, but that when the house is a mess, he thinks less of me. When I don't get right up in the morning, he thinks less of me. No matter if the kids have been sick for a week, I have had a fever, had 20 errands to run, been up all night with teething children and crying toddlers, the circumstances do not enter into his immediate gut reaction of when he sees the house in disarray, sees me slow to get up, whatever it is, he thinks less of me. I don't know how to change this in his mind either, and it would be nice if I could just get it to not bother me as much. I told him last night that it is only because I love him so much that his opinion of me matters so much to me. It would just make my life so much easier if I didn't care what he thought of me, and I have tried to school my mind so that I do not, but to not much avail. I admit that it is a weakness of mine, and something I need to work on, to focus more on what the Lord thinks of me than on what anyone else thinks of me, even my husband. I have said before that I am glad my earthly relationships are not perfect because then I would feel less need of leaning on my Saviour, and maybe this is just something the Lord is using to turn my heart back towards His love and acceptance. I need to pray that I seek that more often instead of seeking the acceptance and approval of Nate, or of anyone here on earth. At one point he said that he feels like my reaction to his criticism is just to throw up my hands and quit, (instead of motivating me to do much better, as is his goal) and that that is what he hates most in himself, when he quits at something. When he feels like I have given up, he says it just makes him think I am a loser. ***Let me just say that I hate that I am affected by my past, but the truth is, that sometimes it is hard to escape the judgements of others once they have taken hold in your mind.** When he said this, it just made me think of when I was in high school, smoking, drinking, skipping class, sloughing off, and a teacher told a friend of mine (in trying to dissuade her from following that path) that I and our circle of friends were just losers who would never amount to anything in life. At that time, I was a loser, but now, I am living for the Lord, I am doing what is right, I am not sloughing off, and while it hurt my feelings when I heard that in high school when it was totally deserved, it hurts a whole lot more now to hear that from the person I have devoted my life to, whose children I have devoted my life to. And again, I don't know how to change in his mind the perception that I have given up, that I don't fight every day to keep up with all I should do and all he wants me to do. I did feel a small measure of success in that he was glad to hear from me that I did think I would get better at things as time went on. He said that reassured him that I didn't feel defeated and that I could attain better in the future. I am looking forward to doing the budget with him and hoping that will help me to do better, and maybe even help him to see better that I am doing a pretty good job now. After all of that last night, I don't feel we are in contention any longer. In a way, I feel more heavy in spirit than I did before, but in a strange way, a peace as well. I do feel a relief at having spelled out to him to the best of my ability many things that I have been ruminating on for awhile, and understanding better what goes on in his mind, and I am glad to actually have provoked a real, animated response from him. He said it made him feel better as well, and hopefully that will just further the chances of our communicating better in the future.

2007-11-29T14:25:00.000-05:00

Here I finally am, sitting in front of my blogger compose page, where I visit so often in my mind, yet so infrequently in body. I have so many things I want to blog about, they are all fighting for preeminence in my mind and pushing my thoughts around in a blur. First of all, we had a lovely Thanksgiving and Buchan family Christmas. Scott and Mandi and my two beautiful nieces arrived on the 19th and left on the 27th. Ross came home for the weekend, and of course Karen and George and Caleb were here most of the time, too. We laughed, we took pictures, we shopped, we Starbucked, we lunched out, we grilled, we baked, we played games, we stayed up too late, we shed tears of happiness and remembrance with a tinge of grief, we chased children, we changed diapers, we hugged, we tree shopped, we gave, we received, we decorated, we caffienated, we loved. The time flew by so quickly, as it is wont to do when you are brimming with joy and busyness and being together. Every time we are all together as a family like that, it is a bit more comfortable, a bit more sweet, and a bit more bittersweet when we part. All of the many pieces of my heart that I have vested in family come back to rest with me when I am with them, and a brilliant but exuberant peace colors my outlook. To have a sister laugh and share with me, to have brothers that were not born next to me smile when I come into the room and tease back and forth with me, to have grinning children throw their pudgy arms around my neck, this is real living. When I left them at the airport, Lily gave me a hug and a kiss and said "I only had one kiss left, Aunt Charity, and I saved it for you." If my heart weren't already breaking, it would have at that. I love them all so much.

It hurts to give pieces of your heart away, to bestow the deep emotions on people, but the exultant joy of having them come back, with the piece of your heart so much bigger and brighter and fuller is worth all the pain of separation, and the aches when you miss them. I forget sometimes, in my stoic day to day coping with life, how much of my heart I have given away, and then I am always surprised when I am back with the dear friends and family who hold the tiny treasures of my love with them, just how much my investment has grown in their care. I too often forget that love cannot multiply if it is kept to oneself, and only when you give blindly and lavishly can you feel the yield of the commitment come back to you, and come back exponentially.

On an entirely different subject, may I just say that to know and to do the will of God is always a mighty and a heavy responsibility. I know that the majority of it is taken up in the day to day obedience of small decisions and quiet acquiescence to the Holy Spirit's prodding, but I too often take that for granted until I am faced with the choosing of a path, outside of the daily race of submission. Am I supposed even to be looking down that path? Am I seeking what is the truth, or merely seeking what will validate my truth, and justify a decision based in selfishness? When you feel God is silent, do you keep asking, or do you take the silence for an answer? In going over and over a particular issue with my husband, rolling over in my mind the same arguments again and again, he gave me pause by saying that it was basically a contentment issue. He would be content if we stayed on the path we were on, if we made that path the only one we could ever be on, or if we went on a different path. I realized then that in my heart, I have only been content with the path I am on, and my spirit rises in turmoil when I contemplate going on that different path. But, is that the leading of God, or the rearing of my selfish nature? Sometimes my deceitful heart confuses me so. How much can you look at the experience of others as a mark of where you should be? How much do you let circumstances dictate your decisions? These things are what I have been struggling with, and while I don't feel I have come to a place of God-led peace on the matter, I do feel a quietness now that I have recognized the lack of contentment over certain possibilities in our life. I feel a small peace in the answer "wait", and I am believing that God will guide me if He wants me to pursue a further course. In the end, my times are in His hands, and I will continue to strive to die daily to self so that my will is in His hands as well.

Nathan is in Florida right now with Dan for the National Pool and Spa convention. I think his leaving was made a bit easier because of the timing of it, since he left on the same day as our company, so all the goodbyes rolled together. Now I am here, with my children, missing everyone, but doing alright nonetheless. My Christmas tree is up, and it looks as wonderful as ever it does, crowded with mismatched homemade ornaments and tangled up, brightly colored lights. It is a riot of shiny color and remembrance, and it gives me such joy to just look at it. The cat and the children have undecorated and redecorated it several times, but it still looks to me as lovely as the most elegant and well appointed tree that ever graced a spotless home. It is homey and lopsided, but full of love and character and sweet, true pine scent, and I am so thankful for it. My favorite thing is to turn all the lights off and sit in the quiet after everyone is asleep and just look at the twinkling lights on the tree, reflecting in the red and silver balls, the silver garlands, the handmade ornaments from 25 years ago, and the ones from only a few years ago, with my children's pictures as babies, as toddlers. The one of Nate and my first Christmas together, where we both have these tentative smiles, I think wondering if spending the best holiday of the year with just this person we just married will really be as great as all the ones before spent in tradition with the families we have celebrated with forever. It was, and it has only gotten better since then.

Thursday's Thoughts....

2007-11-08T14:35:00.000-05:00

Nate finally had time last night to put the keys back on the keyboard, which made me so happy, and now I can actually type without cursing in my head. It is finally feeling fallish here, and I don't remember the leaves being so brilliant before. They are just lovely. I suppose I should update on life, for the sake of posterity....

George is done his first workbooks in school. He was so excited to finish them. He is also more than halfway done his Sparks book. He loves being able to do as much as he wants, instead of like Cubbies last year where they only learned one verse per week. We just started reading the Chronicles of Narnia together. He is getting excited for his "Spiderman" birthday, and is continually asking me how many days left until the big day, and also how long until he loses a tooth.
Ian is doing well. He kind of goes in cycles with his behavior and emotional stability and right now is a good time. He is taking good naps in the afternoon again as well. He has started writing his name all by himself and he and Grace both are getting interested in letter sounds and the alphabet. I think I will start teaching them together next year.
Grace is all potty trained, even for sleeping now, which is soooooo nice. She goes in cycles a bit, too, with her attitude being cranky or rebellious, then being so sweet and nice you don't believe it's the same girl. But, for the most part, she is doing well. I took her to the chiropractor and shopping with me today, we had fun together. If I could only get her to listen to her Daddy, we'd be doing well.
Claire finally got that tooth in and actually slept last night the entire night!!!!! I can't remember the last time I got that much continuous rest, it was amazing. She is standing up by herself, but hasn't taken any steps yet, although I think it will be soon.
I am starting to pull my hair out realizing that I need to have the bulk of my Christmas shopping done in the next 2 weeks, since we are having our Buchan family Christmas the weekend after Thanksgiving.
We have our new shelving and desk up from Ikea (love it) but I still have to organize and put away and figure out the best place for everything. We totally reorganized our bedroom, moved everything, and now I totally love it, it is completely feng shui, and fabulous.
I am recomitted to my fight against sugar...resisting it, that is. After fighting off a nasty and painful uti, I realized how much I have been eating unhealthfully, and not taking the time to plan and think about what I put in my mouth has not been working well for me. And now, thanks to Dr. Poli, (I resisted the urge to hug this genius man when I went to get adjusted this morning, but truly he is wonderful, for totally eliminating my pinched nerve shoulder pain and numbness) I feel I can get back into the routine of making my good bread, which will go a long way in the fight against sugar.
I don't know the right way to say, in a considerate way, that I have been blessed through the life, example, and death of a friend. Not that her death was a blessing, it was a tragedy, a great injustice, and of the utmost bad timing-FROM AN EARTHLY PERSPECTIVE. Her life was full, her life was exemplary, her life was an incredible blessing, a needed blessing to her children, her husband, her family, her friends. Yet, God chose to take her home. From a Heavenly perspective, He folded His arms around her, and mercifully saved her from the pain she was in and took her into His perfect peace. He ended the cancer ravaging her body by taking her away from it. It was not the way any of us who loved her would have chosen her to be healed, but she is healed now, nonetheless. I went to her memorial service last Sunday, a celebration of this amazing woman's life, and a tribute to her faith, even in the valley of the shadow of death. The blessing for me personally was all the Lord has taught me through hearing of her life, of how she mothered, lived, loved, and yes, even how she chose to die- in the midst of heartache, struggle and unimaginable pain, she kept her eyes on her Saviour, and continued to praise Him. May I live each day choosing to do the same in the bounty of my comfort and peace, as she choose to do in the midst of her turmoil and pain. I am forever changed by her.
I am working on a special project for my parents for Christmas, and hoping it all comes together well. If it does, it will be so incredible.
I am so thankful for incredible Godly women in my life, (I am thinking of one in particular right now, who frequents a place called Espresso Lane) who are such sweet reflections to me of the quiet joy and love of the Lord. I got to spend the day with this friend a few days ago, and she is just one of the most beautiful (inside and out) people I know. I love being a friend and councellor to all the friends the Lord has placed in my life (not that I am qualified to council on much at all) but it is so nice to be with someone with whom the council, the conversation, the give and take feels more mutual. It is a relief to be myself with someone and not have to worry that they will be offended. I hope I do not take more than I give, although sometimes I am given so much, it feels all but impossible for me to give back equally what I have taken. I pray this friend knows how much I love her.

Wordless Wednesday...fall edition

2007-10-17T14:28:00.002-05:00

2007-10-17T14:28:00.001-05:00

2007-10-11T13:19:00.000-05:00

So, I really have not given up on blogging, it's just been a while and Grace somehow took some letters off of the keyboard and I haven't been able to get them back in, so that has hindered my writing. The boys are actually taking a nap in the same room and both quiet, wonder of wonders!! That is a great blessing. Ian's frenetic excitement has gotten worse lately, sometimes it seems he is just incapable of calming himself down, and when he is supposed to be taking a nap, (which he needs) and he knows George is in there with him, he just wants to play. Thus we end up with two overtired boys, and one stressed out Mama. So, the fact that they are both sleeping in there today is wonderful.

It is finally starting to feel a little fallish out, with a breeze holding a hint of briskness to it, and the leaves changing and falling a bit. I miss real fall, real, stark chill in the air, crunching through early morning grass that still holds the frost tightly, and being surrounded by a riot of colors everywhere you look. The smell of dry hay and wet leaves in the air; the sound of orange and purple and red leaves skittering across a dirt road, curled upon themselves until you crunch them slowly under your feet. Fall has always seemed a time of heightened senses to me, just the color and smell and sound and feel of it all becoming so much more vibrant. After a summer dulled by muggy heat and languid days in water with your senses blending together, and before a retreat from the bitter white world of winter, into the closeness of treasured heat and rest, fall has always seemed the time of one last big stretch outward from yourself, where God stretches His hand forth and paints the trees while you are sleeping one night, and when you wake to a world of deepening color and bright sound, of earthy smells so familiar and yet so new, you can only exult in the richness and praise Him for being a God of continual creation.

I guess people naturally compare their present surrounding with that which they come from, for we cling to what we know, what we've done, where we grew up, as kind of an unconsious standard by which all other experiences are compared. For me, that place, that setting, is a small town in Maine, a dirt road, a big old farmhouse, the memory of seasons past. I can't help but see all in front of me through the filter of what is behind, what I look back on now as good and right and fulfilled surroundings. If I close my eyes now, I can picture myself standing in front of my grandparents house in October. The wind is blowing my hair, making goosebumps stand up on my neck. I can smell the smoke from the chimney, and still feel the pressure of the gnarled wood on my arms from when I filled the woodbox hours earlier. I start to walk up the side of the road, scooting the piles of leaves with my toes as I go. The three tall trees in front of the greenhouse are still bright orange, although in the lower branches, the leaves are darker, duller, getting ready to fall. Over in the garden, almost everything is dried and harvested, although there are still a few gourds and pumpkins among the spiny vines. The small apple tree in front of the barn still has a few tart, rosy apples clinging to the branches, and as I get nearer the tree my nostrils fill with the dusky aroma of the apples fallen and past on the ground beneath the tree. The wild turkeys have eaten some of them, there are less today then there have been. All the animals do well this time of year, I see, as the bird and squirrel feeders boast full ears of dried corn and suet hangs in the pine at the end of the lawn. The deer never venture this near the house, but if you sit still long enough on the lawn, you can see them coming out to feed in the lower fields, just flashes of tawny brown among the darker browns of the tall grasses, uncut and left to seed. The wind is picking up again, making little whirlwinds of fallen leaves on the road, and the deer straighten their ears as they pick up my scent, freeze, then dart into the woods. It's time to go in, anyway, the sky is starting to reflect the colors of the trees, and darkness is rising quickly from the ground, only the tops of the trees now showing any color as the landscape becomes a sillhouete of shadow against the brilliance of the sky and the glory of God moves to another realm.

2007-09-14T09:48:00.000-05:00

I know I am blessed, immeasurably blessed in so very many ways. My sinful heart too often loses sight of that fact, and I know I take it all for granted. Nate came home early, like before 7, the night that I wrote my last post. And, as always, he was wonderful. He played with the children, he helped put them to bed, he was comforting and sweet and helpful. I don't deserve that. My faithless heart doesn't deserve that. And it made me realize that my struggles as of late have NOTHING to do with him being home or not, and everything to do with my discontented spirit. My wrongly placed focus on myself, and on lies that I choose to believe, from my deceitful heart, from the world, and from the devil. And, like everyone, it is my responsiblity every day to choose to dwell on that which is lovely, that which is true, -that which is from the Lord.

2007-09-10T14:28:00.000-05:00

We go through cycles every year. Busy season, slow season, spring, summer, fall, winter. And every year my mind goes through patterns of thinking that I recognize, sometimes have to guard against, sometimes rejoice in. But, for some reason, this year has been different. I don't know if it is just that the busy season/slow season line has blurred almost to indistinction or if I am just struggling with some hormonal/depression type patterns of thinking creeping into my mind, or what. Usually at the beginning of the year, we've just had a lot of time with Nate, big Christmas vacation, he usually is able to take a day off every week, and be home for supper most of the time. This is a good time for me mentally. I'm used to having him home enough by then that I don't have any of the "letting him be in charge" angst anymore, and we've usually been able to talk and be together as a family a lot by then. Not too long after this, though, starts the beginning of "busy season." In the pool world, (that we live in), this starts as early as February and goes strong until about the end of August. Gearing up for this every year is a struggle, but in some ways, as I get more used to it and learn better ways to deal with it all, it has been a bit easier. The beginning of this year was much like other years. I dreaded all the time Nate would be gone, the lonely nights, the lack of communication, the sheer exhaustion-physically, but more mentally and emotionally- of parenting lots of little kids on my own. BUT, I knew that it was just for a season, that I had the opportunity before me, as I do every year, to try harder to be a blessing to my husband when he is home, to help him in any way that I can, and to be a good Mama to my children. This year was a bit more of a challenge, though, since in building the new store in Newnan (beginning last fall and ending in the early spring this year), his "slow season" wasn't actually very slow, so we didn't have as much time, communication, or memories stored up to last us the really busy part of the year as we usually do. This spring and summer seemed to be even busier for him, and I know the demands of his job are enormous. For him to do his job well, he has to work as much as he does. I know this, and I want him to do the work the Lord has called him to, to the best of his ability. We were able to have some more time together as a family than we usually do, with the unexpected trip up to MN, and the family vacation trip to MN. But, when he's been gone from us for so often, it's almost like the time we do have to spend together after that is spent half in getting used to having this "stranger" around, and to treating him like the husband and daddy he is. I hate that for him, and I hate that for us. Now, it's back to work as usual, and this "slow season" will be busier than last year even, since they are opening a new building replacing an older one of their stores.

And now for what I began writing to say...I feel my heart leaving him more now than ever before, and it scares me. I think I feel like instead of gearing up to "get through" the busy season when he is gone 16 hours a day and only sees the children on Sundays, on to the slower season when we do see him more, that now, there is no end in sight. I feel like what I work so hard every year to "endure" and to make the most of (mainly through reminding myself that it is only for a time and it is ending soon) now has become the norm, and there is no end in sight.

Sometimes, I feel like a strong woman, like I am resting in the strength of the Lord, leaning on His provision, trusting His chosen path for me, and able to get done what I need to in some semblance of order and balance. But, this is not how I usually feel, and it is not how I have felt in a long time. I find my mind wandering more and more often to thoughts of leaving, of changing our lifestyle, and of dwelling on how much I need, instead of making the most of how much I already have. I had a very vivid daydream at some point this summer, and it keeps haunting my thoughts. I imagined Nathan had died, and I was at his funeral. I had my children around me, and the owner of the company Nate works for came up to speak to me, offer his condolences, I suppose. I imagined what I would say to him, even imagined slapping him across the face, and telling him how much I hated and resented him because my husband, my children's father, gave him so much infinitely more of himself (Nate) than he (Nate) ever gave us. I know that is absurd, the whole daydream was absurd, but now I feel like it has latched onto my thinking and I can't get away from it. I know it is fraught with selfishness and sinfulness, in my head, I know this, but this mentality of discontent, of almost despairing, continues to grow in my heart.

To hear me talk, it sounds as if I thought that the end to all my problems would be if my husband were home more. I know that is not true. Maybe it's just a convenient thing I keep pinning my failures on- "well, I would do so much better if.." and I fill in the blank with an impossible situation- Nate being home more. Because I know that while he is at the job he is, (and I don't see him leaving, perhaps ever) it is impossible for him to be home more, and as time goes on, I know it could even get worse. Maybe I am just having a hard time with change, the change from our old routine of him being basically gone half the year, around more the other half, to him being basically gone for most of the year, and now I feel like it is only changing further, him gone more, and with us less.

I know it wouldn't be so hard to have him gone, if he weren't so great when he is here. He is an amazing father, an incredible husband, a wonderful man. He is plugged in, he is playing with the kids, he is helping me, and being with us, and at those times, I feel like the jagged pieces of my heart have healed, that all is as it should be, and my fears and failures seem to dim, I get more encouraged, more energized, more able to do what I need to, and to enjoy it. I know this is mostly because when he is not here, there are days when I feel the walls closing in, like I am here, caring for my children, keeping my home, but unable to do anything well, and like there is no one who cares or even sees to keep me on the right track. There are days when I am afraid for my children to be around me, when I know my best is awful and they are getting the brunt of it. I feel isolated, trapped in a situation whose outcome is of the utmost importance, but one that I do not possess the skills to get through victoriously, or even well. I just feel like I can't do this on my own, and the only one who could be doing it with me, or helping me, or even asking me and keeping up with how I am doing it, is unable to.

So is this just a phase, do I just need to snap out of it, buck up and get over myself? I don't think I have a choice anyway. My path is here, my responsiblities lie before my feet, and my actions need to be consistent, I know, even if my emotions and my mind are far from where they should be. And I know, again, in my head but not so much in my heart, that I need to just rely on the Lord more. I know there are many women, in situation so much worse than mine, that are just shining examples of how you live well, mother well, and make the most of all you have. Have I grown something in my thinking somewhere that has made my mindset so fundamentally wrong that I sabotage myself, no matter what my situation is? I don't know. I just know I feel tired, I feel bleak, and I don't see how to stop feeling this way, and it terrifies me the effect my dismal failure at motherhood will have on my precious children. Don't they deserve better than this, better than me? I know they do, and I just don't feel up to the fight to give them better.

2007-09-06T22:00:00.000-05:00

There are days when I feel my head is above water. Not much, like my chin is still wet, but you know, barely above. Most days, I don't even try to tread, I just get through the seaweed as best I can, and hope that the next day I will be able to find a rock to stand on. I think when you live in a state of perpetual "just-barely-keeping-up" it is doubly hard to get back to barely above water when ANYTHING extra happens to get you behind. Almost as soon as we got back from MN, I got really sick, and so, of course, got even more behind on my day to day, let alone anything beyond that. So I feel as if I am fighting an uphill battle just to get back to being barely keeping up so I can try to fight another battle to get beyond that. Sigh. Sometimes it is so discouraging. I saw a friend in Wal-mart the other day who has two little girls, one is about 17 months old, and one is about 3 months old. She said she doesn't know how I do it with 4. I told her I only do it (and do it badly) because I have no choice. She said she feels like she is just feeding and changing and cleaning up after them all the time. I said I feel the same way, and she kind of goggled at me that it doesn't change even when they are a bit older. I keep thinking that one of these days, things will begin to get a bit easier, I will get better at all the things I have to do, or things will click a bit better so I can get beyond it to more, but I just don't know if that is going to happen. Invariably, as they get older, the challenges will change, will probably grow, and who knows? Maybe in 3 years, I'll be thinking I should have done more NOW, because I am so much busier then. Times like this just really make me question if God really knows what He's doing, in putting me where I am, in giving me the children and challenges He has given me. BUT, I know He does know, and I know He will continue to know, as He lays things in my path. I said to a friend the other day "The only thing we know for sure is that God is in control." I think I need to remind myself of that more often.

I've been blessed...

2007-09-06T10:31:00.000-05:00

...by Zoe, and I love this....

Charity,
May the One who created all things bless your home
In your comings and goings may you be safe
May all who enter your home do so in peace
May all who enter there receive the blessings of Love and Harmony
May all who reside within those walls be kept safe from the snares of the fallen ones
May Light reside in your Home,
shining through the windows as a beacon for all who are lost and weary
May servants of The Creator circle your home providing protection and peace

2007-08-30T13:45:00.000-05:00

I suppose I should officially document our great travels cross-country, and in fact while we were gone I was totally blog-composing in my head thinking what I was going to write when I got back, BUT, then we got back, I got a raging fever, was delirious out of my mind, sick as a dog, convinced I was a rabbit (see "delirious" above) dizzy, nauseated, and too weak to open a bottle of gatorode by myself, so my great thought train kind of got derailed. Thankfully, I am on the upswing now, and itching to get back to life. Actually I am itching to get on to the next phase of life, which, in my mind started after our vacation ended. The phase in which tv and movies are not a part of my childrens days, the phase in which we start George's first grade and Awana Sparks, the phase where Grace gets potty trained and pacifier-less, the phase where I decide whether or not Ian will go to Awana this year and what, if anything, to do with him school-wise, the phase where I get my computer/play/school room spit-spot organized. I feel a bit like Anne (of Green Gables) saying "Tommorow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it." What paralyzes me is the fear of the potential mistakes, I suppose, but all in all, I am excited. I finally got myself used to the idea that for the second "slow season" in a row, Nate would not be really getting much more time off, because they are opening yet another store. It's okay, though, really, I almost do better in my groove without him than when I have to adjust to handing over the parental controls again and learning to deal with the kids as a co-parent. We had some adjustment periods while on vacation, as always, just because that is almost the only time the kids have us both around day to day. For the most part, though, that was fine, and we had some profitable discussions because of it, so I was thankful. Well, I'd better hurry up and write about the vacation before I babble myself to death here.

We left on Friday, the 17th, a little later than I had wanted to, but fine all the same. Nate drove first, then I took over when it got into the late night/early morning. (Being a night owl has it's advantages, especially when you are road-tripping. After I drove 8 hours all night on our first trip up to MN, Big George said I should have been a trucker. Now that would be fun. But, I digress..) The tone of the time together in the van this time was different, obviously, since last time there was a spirit of grief, of hurry, and slightly of the attitude you get when you have no choice but to do something, so you automatically make the best of it. This time there was an air of suppressed excitement, of relaxed good humor as we were all looking forward to being up there. We arrived in Bemidji at about 10 pm Saturday evening to Scott and Mandi's open arms, (well, they had pizza in their hands) and smiles all around. Thus began a wonderful week of family fun, relaxing, fun firsts for the kids, laughter, getting to know each other better, and enjoying our surroundings. I will try to factually detail the days, for the sake of my poor memory.

Sunday we went to church, had lunch, played, napped, and in the evening, Karen and I went with Mandi to a "splurge party" for her birthday, at a store in the mall, and then out for dessert with Mandi's girlfriends. Highlights of the day: Scott and Mandi's pastor doing an Indiana Jones imitation, drinking Highlander Grogg coffee at church, seeing Ross in his ready-for-Pensacola-duds, watching Karen have fun trying on clothes while simultaneously pretending she was too mature to be enjoying herself.
Monday was kind of cold and rainy. We were all staying in cabins at Camp Oak Hills around the big dining hall, which became our central meeting spot/meal place/game corner/kid's playland/laundry room, and we spent a lot of time there. Highlights: wearing the sweatshirt I got on Kohl's 75% off clearance last year, watching my kids play with their cousins, and learning speed scrabble-I am totally addicted now. I think this was also the night of the Buchan brother's car race in which they named and bracketed all the little hot wheels cars the kids played with all day and had double elimination distance races. It is just too funny to watch four grown men completely relive their childhood, and still manage to act macho about it. For the record, Caleb was the grand champion with Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
Tuesday was our anniversary and was such a great fun day for me. I hope everyone else enjoyed it as much. It was all highlights. After a fantabulous breakfast cooked by Scott, Mandi took Karen and I downtown to walk around and to Cantabria coffee where I got a white chocolate cocoa, which I sipped on the way to my pedicure appt. - my birthday present from my incredible sister-in-law. After my fabulous pedicure, I walked my cute toes (which were painted "EdinBurgandy" and looked so great with my white yoga shirt with the word Simplify in black script on it and my Old Navy linen oh-so-comfy black skirt which is as big as a 12 in any other brand, but the label says 6) back down the streets of Bemidji and into some great gift shops, where I bought a little birch bark canoe for a souvenier. We got back to camp in time for lunch, then later that day, Nate and I went out to dinner at a local restaurant courtesy of Scott and Mandi. (If you are ever in Bemidji, go to the Green Mill!!) It was a great day.
Wednesday, we went to see the big statue of Paul Bunyon and Babe, rode a little train around the park, went gift shopping, and went to Animal Land, where you can feed goats and tame deer while they are walking all around you, feed bear, lion, cougar, tiger, tiger, camel and a host of other wild animals in cages very close to you. It was so much fun, and I got some great pictures. That night we had the Buchan birthday party and gave gifts for the August to November birthdays. Highlights: watching the kids with the animals, giving presents.
Thursday was our water day, as it was the only day that was predominantly sunny, nice and warm. We went swimming, water-skiing, boating, canoeing, kayaking, made sand castles, and went fishing. We were walking distance away from Lake Bemidji and had the camp's (and Scott's) water craft at our disposal. Everyone had a fabulous time. Thursday was also our fish fry supper. Mandi's friend Misty and her mom and stepdad joined us for supper. Highlights of the day: watching the kids play in the water, big kids and little kids, seeing George so excited about fishing, watching Lily do her American Idol impression, and best highlight of the whole trip- Nate rowed me out to the middle of the lake at about 10 pm and I swam in the beautiful, bracing water for 20 minutes while he fished. It was exhilarating.
Friday, Mandi was watching two little kids, one of whom is Lily's "prince." Lily is Scott and Mandi's 4 year old daughter who has a flair for the dramatic, (see above) is obsessed with princess/high style living and is already planning her wedding. The kids all had so much fun playing together, and got to go out on the boats again, too. After the kids went to bed, the Buchan brothers continued their mandatory get-together Risk game, which Nathan won, and then Scott showed us the dvd he had made of Caleb and Ross's snow fun up there 2 Christmases ago. There was some great footage of Ross totally losing it plummeting through the air, limbs flailing, off a ski jump. (think AFV, only better) Mandi and I had some great talk-time while the brothers were off pirating CD's, too. Highlights: bubbles with the kids, seeing Nate in a bandana, talking with Mandi
Saturday we left very early, so we could have lunch and visit with Grandma Buchan. That was great, just to see her and have the kids spend time with her. When we were up there for the funeral, she didn't get to spend much time with the children, so she was happy to this time. I got some great pictures. And even though I think this is where I contracted the gut-wrenching illness I have suffered from for days now, I totally enjoyed our lunch out at Country Buffet. Highlights, of course, were seeing Grandma Marilyn, and also my late night driving, where I went through 57 of the Third Day songs on Nate's iPod and had a good cry with God over Nattie.

So, that, completely NOT in a nutshell, was our family vacation. There were a hundred other great highlights, like the endless coffee pot, the ever present uncles to entertain the kids, Scott and Mandi's unending hospitality and famous cooking, and the fact that Nate and I had a kidless bedroom and set a record for vacation birth control usage. All in all, it was great, and I hope we get to do it again soon. Also, soon, I hope to be writing wonderful things about how organized I am being in meeting my goals.....but, we'll see.

Back Home Again

2007-08-29T21:40:00.000-05:00

Here's the only picture of me from our vacation, snuggling with my cute husband in the dining hall of Camp Oak Hills, which was our central meeting spot for all meals, lots of play and fun during our first ever Buchan family vacation in the northwoods of Minnesota. It was wonderful.

Wordless Wednesday...Dancing Children

2007-08-15T20:42:00.001-05:00

2007-08-12T08:12:00.000-05:00

I have continually made a mental note to do Friday Felicities for the last few weeks, and guess what, I keep missing it. But that certainly shouldn't put the kibosh on my counting my blessings blog-style. I'll just give it a go in this stolen moment....

Grace is standing behind me, totally engrossed in playing with about 10 cars on the windowsill of the playroom. I wish my camera batteries weren't dead, this would make a great picture...the sun streaming through her wispy blonde hair while she cocks her head and does falsetto voices for the different cars crashing into each other and having an indepth conversation while they are doing it. She has on a pinky pink pink dress on and no shoes. When she smiles, her black lashes almost make her sparkly blue eyes disappear. All you see is the dimple on her right cheek and that expanse of adorable still baby teeth. Precious.
Claire is also behind me, still in her little blue frilly nightgown, crawling around amongst the blocks and cars left out by the older kids this morning. Yesterday, she stood up......yes, she stood up, holding onto something, but just barely holding on. The placid expression on her face just totally mocking all the baby books that say you should probably be eating solid food before you embark on a track career, and also flying in the face of the personal history of my other children, none of whom walked before a year. Not that she's close to walking, but you can just see the little subtle glint in her eye, whispering "Hi, world, it's me, Claire. I'm not very loud, but when you're not looking, I'm totally going to make my mark, and it will be all my own."
There are days when Ian just makes me cry. Sometimes for joy at his simple, beautiful affectionate nature. Sometimes for frustration because I just don't feel I am getting through to him and I feel he needs so much more than I am capable of giving. In Publix the other day, I couldn't keep the tears from my eyes, watching him get upset over, well, I never did figure out what, but he just lost it, tears and desperate heart-hurting cries of frustration that ended with him repeatedly slapping himself. Sometimes I just can't get through. BUT, sometimes it is beautiful. He was putting the cushions back on the couch the other day, (after a great fort experience) and then stood up on top of them and declared to the world "I'm decently cool!!!" I said "What, Ian??" He looked at me like, "Uh, Mama, what are you, slow or something?" and repeated himself, "Mama, I'm DECENTLY COOL!" Yes, he is.
The kids and I hit Burger King's dollar menu for supper last night, since we had to do a Target diaper run and the timing was as it was. As we were leaving, and George was being a little less than as grateful as he should have been, (this is the third time we've eaten out in 2 weeks, for crying out loud) I said "You know, when I was little like you, we hardly ever went to restaurants." To which George wisely replied "Mama, it's because there were no restaurants back then."
My husband is a rare man. He will tell me when something doesn't look good on me, if something wasn't a good enough deal to make it worth my deal finding time, and also just give me his opinion when I ask for it without trying to stilt his answer to defer to my feminine sensitivities. His honesty was a lot to get used to in those way too sensitive first years of marriage when, let's face it, all you want to hear is "Of course you're beautiful and skinny and brilliant, nothing could be otherwise." It took me a few years to realize that this "brutal honesty" was a huge blessing. I know he will tell me the truth, and you know, it just makes it mean so much more when he leers at me and says "You are mighty fine, woman." If he will tell me when I'm not, I know he means it when he says I am. I love that.

George William

2007-08-11T10:41:00.000-05:00

I was just explaining to George what a blog was, why it existed, and why it was fun. The only thing he really connected with was when I said "I can write whatever I want to." Then he said "Well, then, Mama, you should write...George is cool!" So, here goes, my message for the day....

GEORGE IS COOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Really, George is very cool, for many reasons, like..

He loves the color red just like I do.
He can remember what he got for his first birthday, what we had for dinner when we when to a friend's house when I was pregnant with Ian...so he was about 16 months old, and a million other random and not so random things.
He is an incredible helper to me with his three little siblings
He absolutely adores his Daddy
He is afraid of new things, but he tries them anyway
He told me he has to have his head facing the wall when he's in bed, because that is "the good dream side"
He is almost up to my armpit.....and he's only five
He is incredibly intelligent...and he knows it
He has started asking me for hugs...just because he knows I like them, even though he doesn't
He is a total rock star at original Nintendo Mario
He loves me to read him The Hobbit
He was looking around at the world, taking it all in, before he was even completely born
He was saying Dada at 5 months, and Mama at 6 months, and he hasn't stopped talking since then
He loves to go camping
He was my first born son, beautiful pregnancy, wonderful delivery, bleary eyed-sleepless infanthood-ed, eat on the dot every three hours baby around the clock.
He is a wonderful big brother
He is a rock fanatic
He climbed Borestone Mtn. (see pic above) in October.. "without ever stopping once!"

I know there are a million more things I'm not thinking of. He is my almost complete personality opposite and he so rocks my world. Sometimes I am terrified I am totally screwing him up, thinking "Why, Lord, did you ever give him to me...surely you know me, and you know him, and it seems like such a bad fit" But of course, the Lord does know this, and I'm sure he is using George to grow me and teach me.

Back at last

2007-08-02T13:35:00.000-05:00

How did it get to be August?!?!? That's what I want to know. The end of July turned out to be pretty hectic as Nate's grandfather passed away and we had to drive up to Minnesota unexpectedly. The trip went really well, though. We were able to borrow the church's 11 passenger van and Nate got a fabulous deal on a fancy hotel from Priceline. The kids were so good on the trip, despite being in a van for 24 hours straight, minus short rest stops, and then being in hotel rooms, churches, houses with no toys, etc. It was just not a kid friendly trip at all, but they did so well and adjusted wonderfully. I think that says more about people praying for us than for the children's natural wont, but it was a great blessing. We left Friday afternoon. Nate drove til 10 pm, then Night Owl Me got a big coffee and drove til 6 am, then Nate drove some more, then his dad drove us into Minneapolis. I got about 2 hours of broken sleep in the back of the van the rest of the day, so was a bit zombie like when we arrived at Nate's grandmother's house. But, after a good night's rest at the Crown Plaza, I was good to go. The visitation at the funeral home was Sunday evening, then Monday morning was the memorial service. Nate wrote a beautiful tribute to his grandfather and read it at the funeral. He said that getting his thoughts down on paper and thinking through it all was a really good grieving time for him. Here is what he wrote:

"As I look to my memories of the time I spent with my grandfather I am struck by how much of what I remember I still see through the eyes of my childhood. These sweet memories, though they may be fading, are a heritage to be treasured, honored, and passed on to my children. I think today of the legacy of Grandpa Bob embodied in the four little children I call my own. What will they know of their great grandfather through me, how will his life effect them, though they never knew him. Will they wonder about this man, about their fleeting young memory of the time of his passing?

I imagine someday little Grace and Claire asking about Great Grandpa Bob, this big happy man they see in an old picture album. Oh, Grandpa would have loved you, I would tell them. When he saw you, he wouldn’t have called you Zeke or Squirt or Tiger or one of the other nicknames he had for your uncle and me, but I’m sure you’d have had a special girl’s nickname all your own. And he probably wouldn’t have brought you baseball cards or sports magazines when he came to visit you, but you can bet he would have thought of something to bring you to make you feel special. Then he would have picked you up with his great strong hands, set you up on his knee, and asked you what you’d been up to. Later you could have heard his great big laugh fill the room you were in and you’d have seen the smiles on the faces of each person there as they shared in his stories, his jokes, and his sayings.

You could be sure at some point his stories would turn to food, and he’d probably have you almost drooling as you shared in his delight over the cooking he’d enjoyed on some recent day. You might even have started to get hungry, but you wouldn’t be worried, because when you were with Grandpa Bob a trip to Perkins couldn’t be too far off.

He would always have his camera close by, and you’d probably get so used to him pulling it out of his front shirt pocket and snapping it that you’d hardly even notice after awhile. If you visited his house you might have seen his desk and his colored pencils, and then you’d have known one reason he took so many pictures. On a special day, you might have been able to come along as he delivered a portrait he had drawn of a friend or acquaintance. You’d have seen the look of surprise and gratitude on that person’s face, amazed that this friendly man would give such a special part of himself and his talents and ask nothing in return.

As you would visit with Grandpa Bob you might hear some small story about a time very long ago when he gave a special part of himself and his talents for the service of this great country he loved. He wouldn’t tell you much, but you’d still marvel that this man whom you knew and loved had played a part in such a vast and terrible struggle for the sake of your freedom.
Throughout the day you’d notice what a special place Grandma held in his life. Whether it was a quick kiss on the cheek, squeeze of the hand, holding of a door, or a quick wink and grin as he said, “Yes Dear,” you would be sure that he couldn’t do without this amazing woman in his life.
When it was time for him to go away he’d remind you to write him a letter just to say Hi. Then he’d be absolutely sure to get a great big hug from you, he’d squeeze you so tight you’d feel the rough scratching of his cheek on yours, and the fresh smell of his aftershave would linger with you even as you watched his Buick drive away down your street. Then all at once you’d miss him, because he’d brought such joy into your life that day.

“I want to spend a day with my Great-Grandpa,” I imagine my little Claire saying as she hears these stories. Well, I would say, there is something else I want to tell you about Grandpa, the most important thing, really. You see, he had a friend, a very dear, cherished, wonderful friend. This friend was with him every single day of his life, and when he was older he grew closer and closer to Him. He told his family about this great friend, and many others he met during his life. It gave him great peace to know this friend, and it was his complete trust in this friend’s grace and love that brought him to the place where he is today. If he could have just a moment with you now I know his first words would be of this friend. His friend’s name is Jesus. You can know Jesus too, my dear little girl. You can accept the gifts He has for you, spend this life with Him, love Him, and some far-off day, when the time is right, it’s only Jesus who can take you to a place where you too can spend a day with Grandpa Bob."

Nate did so well reading it, too. He so has a gift for public speaking and just sharing things in a wonderful way that people understand. It's funny, I joke with him that most people are scared of public speaking and do fine with "private" speaking, but he's just he opposite, it's the one on one conversations he has trouble with. ;P We got to spend some good time with relatives after the service, and then the burial at Fort Snelling was Tuesday morning. We left after lunch on Tuesday.

The timing of the Minnesota trip was a bit disappointing, only because I missed a little time with my dear friend, Heather, who had flown down from Maine to spend a week. Esther picked her up at the airport for me the night before we got home. So Heather had to spend the morning here by herself, with only Bandit the kitten for company. She was so gracious, though, and didn't even mind that I was kind of braindead for driving all night long and then for a few hours at the end of the trip before we got home around 1 on Wednesday afternoon.

I had such a wonderful visit with Heather. Where do I even begin describing the sweet, godly, incredible woman that is Heather MacKenzie?!? Our families have known each other forever, in fact, I think we are actually 5th or 6th cousins, so we have been friends for ever, but this was the first time we were actually able to spend any significant amount of time together visiting since we were in high school. We got to know each other as women, not just as friends, and it was great. It was so refreshing to be with someone who is not so caught up in the many things that so commonly distract women from what is truly important. Part of that is just that she's from Maine, and, well, we're just simpler up there, but mostly it is just that she has her eyes fixed on Jesus, and all the earthly things pale in comparison. Although she is one of the most beautiful and graceful people I have ever met, she doesn't care at all about makeup, having the latest hairstyle, wearing the newest, coolest clothes, driving the newest car, living in a fancy house or other shallow concerns that we as women sometimes get stuck on. At least I know I do. She didn't seem concerned about what other people thought of her, about being the center of attention, about getting "what she deserves" from people around her. She is just a servant, devoted to her husband, loving her family, serving the Lord in whatever He gives her to do. She has a radiance that shines on her features and colors her speech that only comes from having your heart resting in the Lord. We had some really great talks, sharing our different struggles, encouraging one another and sharing what the Lord is teaching us. I am so thankful that she came.

Now that I had my mopey day yesterday over the fact that Heather had to go home to her husband, I am feeling back to life today and am now all excited about planning our real trip to Minnesota, that we had had planned for months before we had to go up for Grandpa Bob's funeral. There was some talk of nixing the trip because we had to go up for that, but those of us in the Buchan family who think with our hearts and now with our wallets (think...anyone but Nathan...) have convinced the more reluctant ones that this is a necessary trip still. Actually I think it is even more important now, especially for Nate's grandmother, for her to have some time after Bob's passing and then to have us up there for a more joyful reunion. So, we are all excited. We will be staying at the camp that is at Oak Hills college where Scott and Mandi work. I can't wait to be out there on the lake. And, Monday night when Heather and I went out to dinner and shopping, courtesy of my wonderful husband watching the kids for me, I found a bathing suit!!!! And it actually covers me up, and looks halfway cute!! I was so excited, and the best part is that it was about 70% off. I found some really cute little fishing poles for the boys on ebay. George is so excited for us to finally go on a canoe ride, which we never got to do when he and I and Claire went up to Maine in May. Oh, I could so spend all day on a lake in a canoe, just paddling around in the stillness, listening to the loons call, or jumping in to swim in the refreshing water. I think I may be more excited to go than the kids are. And, we will get to spend more time with Scott and Mandi and their beautiful girls. They are such wonderful people and it will be great to have that time together without having to rush around like we did when we were in MN before.

Well, now that I have developed a crippling case of carpel tunnel from typing so much, I should go. BUT, on this 2nd day of August, I have to say "Happy Anniversary!" to my wonderful parents, who have been married 32 years today...wow! And "Happy Birthday!!" to my crazy little brother, David, "May your sporran always be full and your kilt never rise in the wind!" (Just a little Scottish humor for you)

11 pm

2007-07-18T22:04:00.000-05:00

So we got through VBS, Ian's birthday party, boys camping trip, late night baseball game and all, and I am tired. VBS went pretty well, I loved the three 11 year old girls on my team. Ian had kind of a hard time some days and ended up spending some of the time with me, but for the most part he did pretty well. I think he would have been fine if he had been with a teacher who understood him better and realized that although he looks almost exactly like his very mature older brother, he is much more on the same level with his little sister who is in the nursery. I try very hard not to compare my children and I hate it when other people do, especially since George and Ian are so very different developementally. But, as I said, for the most part, he had a good time and not too many tears.

Ian's Superhero party was a lot of fun. We had a total of 13 kids here, counting the 2 babies, Claire and Ella, and I think 9 adults. Go check out my Flickr for pictures. Ian was so happy with all the kids being here and loved all the very many presents he got. Everyone was so generous and sweet. He was so excited to get his kitty and the kitty has been great. We named him Bandit for the "mask" on his face. Actually my clever friend, Lisa, came up with it and it fit perfectly, and went with our B themed pet names. Hopefully this kitty will be with us for longer than Bailey and Baxter were, and certainly longer than Buster, Brandy and Boscoe, although I think Boscoe still has a few good years left. Brandy was taken to the pound by Nate, then the day before she was to be put to sleep, I got a call from a friend of a friend of a friend who wanted to adopt her. So, I got her out yesterday, they came and picked her up last night, and hopefully that is the end of it. I even gave them money towards getting her spayed.

Just to get a bit beyond the day to day, I thought I would chronicle a bit of my journey lately. I have felt an overwhelming sense of mental floundering for months now, just a sort of disorganized fog over my thoughts and actions and plans and have been trying to clear it by making lists, trying to plan better, sticking to a schedule, etc, to no avail. I have also been floundering in my physical health, not making the effort to eat well myself, not remembering to take my vitamins, not paying attention to my own nutrition, stress, sleep levels. I would say that I have been in a fog emotionally, but more accurately, it is just that I have been in neutral, like a kind of sustained, push-it-away denial sort of mindset. All of these things I have, at different times, made an effort to correct, in and of themselves. Can you see the missing element here? Probably, and if so, you have done better in 30 seconds that I have done in 8 months. Finally today, the Lord allowed my fog to lift enough mentally to put it all together and realize the real root of my lack of concrete accomplishment and success in any area. It is because my spiritual life has slipped. I know this should SOOO be a no-brainer, and I don't know why I was insisting on compartmentalizing everything continually but finally the wool has been lifted from my eyes, and the incredibly simple truth is laid bare before me. I have been trying, feebly, to do what I need to, be what I need to, in my own strength. I have let slide that so important reliance on the One who knows me, the One who made me, and the only One who can enable me to actually succeed in all He gives me to do, and be. It has not been a wilful, rebellious, even conscious choice to neglect the sustaining Bread of Life. It has been more like a gradual forgetfulness, a slow enveloping of my mind in this fog of "things" until I have forgotten even what it was that I needed so badly. I have not been in a hard place, I have just been in an empty place, and I am so incredibly thankful that the Lord has opened my eyes to the great lack in me, before I got even further down this road of complaisant apathy. There has been no broken and contrite spirit, not even an acknowledging of the slow hardening of my heart. I am writing this for a reminder to myself, that what I have been trying to do myself isn't working. My children are not being cared for as they ought, my husband is not being loved as he should be, I have not been the friend, counselor, child, woman I should be, and I need to change now. Or rather, I need to start feeding the Holy Spirit inside of me so that He can change me. It is still only a tiny spark of hunger for righteousness, but I know it will grow, and so will I.

Monday Meanderings...

2007-07-02T14:32:00.000-05:00

So I missed Friday Felicities, can this be Monday Meanderings??? My day today was filled with a dog. I mean, I was excited, (and a little sad) that an incredibly benevolent and sweet friend agreed to take Brandy to the Atl. Humane Society for me. Which, unlike the local h.s.'s, do not require a spaying, vaccinations, etc. to accept an animal. So they came this morning to pick her up. I cried, but I knew she would be adopted soon, out where people could see her and all. BUT, the shelter was full. They couldn't take her. So, now we are back where we started, with a bit more info on spaying, and a list of other shelter's numbers. This dog is such a fabulous dog, if anyone would just meet her, they would love her. "Well," you ask, "if she's so great, why don't you want to keep her?" Well, besides the fact that we already have an 8 year old Beagle who requires feeding, watering, walking and potty breaks, I have four little kids to take care of. Two very wild boys, 4 and 5 that scream and yell and run and jump and want stories read and Lego towers and sand castles built and dragons and astronauts drawn and DVDs put in and want to know why water freezes and why monkeys can't talk and how exactly do the two sides of the magnet really repel each other, and blankets tied around their heads and fights broken up. And, I have a 2 1/2 year old feisty little girl, who wants Buzz lightyear gotten down from the top of the dresser where she threw him, and stories read, (pages out of order, with silly voices), and makeup put on, and chips to eat, and asks for her vitamins 67 times a day, and has made an art form out of antagonizing her brothers, climbing everything in sight (in cowboy boots and a purple plastic bunny hat) and stealing the baby's pacifier. And I have a baby. A beautiful, sweet, chunky, smiley baby who wants to crawl all over you and nurse every 2 hours, and cuddle with her favorite blanket (thank you, Dana) and be flown airplane style around the bedroom. And I have three meals and snacks to make for said children, dishes to clean up after said meals are made, mountains of laundry to do, bathroom trips to enforce, diapers to change, potty training, errands to run, groceries to buy (and somewhere in there find time to eat and shower and make myself look halfway presentable by the time my dear husband gets home at who knows when)......basically, I'm a normal stay at home mom of four kids and I don't have time to give attention to a sweet and rambunctious dog.........So, please pray, as I have been, that someone will see the posters, respond to the posting on the websites, hear about her and want to take her home and give her a good home. Because while this is certainly a good home, it's just not a good home for a lively dog. Now if someone would take one of the children.....

2007-06-27T13:45:00.000-05:00

It's Wednesday. I've just realized that Ian's birthday is coming up very soon, and I have a lot of planning to do for it and our church's VBS (which I am helping with) is the week before. His birthday is on the 13th, Friday (hey, freaky!!) and we will have the party on Saturday the 14th. Are you reading this Misty?? Super Hero birthday party for Ian on July 14th, 11-1, lunch provided. Josiah is officially invited. Actually, we are going to do real invitations here sometime, so he will get one in the mail.

And now for the last chapter in the on-going saga of the coffee splashed keyboard. So Nate had gotten a new keyboard and installed it, but no dice....well, last night he searched online for about 2 hours and found a way to undo the fn key!!! The man is a genius!! So now, I can actually type. Notice I did not say spell or use proper grammar, but at least I can type now! Yay!!!

I went and ran a bunch of errands today, wal-mart, target, michaels, bread store, returned some videos, etc. I am working on some intensive "store training" with my children. I know, some people would say "They're just little kids, let them be kids, loosen up!" But I do not agree. I think that when you are in a store it is a wonderful opportunity to teach your children about what a very wise woman calls "the preciousness of others." As in, we don't yell, scream, touch things, fool around, etc. in a store, not only because it would be disobedient, but because it would be inconsiderate to the other people in the store. I believe you do not act in a store the same way you do when you are horsing around at home with your siblings. And believe me, they do plenty of that. So, we are working on it. And I am trying to stick to my guns. Today the kids lost a trip to the playground because they weren't behaving. Grace especially is really testing her limits. Recently, when told to do something, she has started saying "So want toooooo." in a whiny voice, which means "I don't want to." So not only is she whining-the cardinal sin around here- but she is also basically saying "I have a good reason for disobeying... it's because I don't feel like it." Gee how I love the terrific two's!!!!! All Nate sees of her is her curled up in our bed some mornings, and more infrequently, her carrying around "Papa" her pink puppy, getting ready for bed at night. On Sundays when he is home, we are at church, then eating, then kids are napping, so he gets about 4 hours a week, seriously, to actually interact with her, or any of the kids for that matter. I don't think he believes me that she is bratty at all. Little does he know.......

On another note, George has been extremely respectful and obedient and some things that we have been working and working on have finally become routine for him. We are reading The Hobbit at night together, which we both love. I have such fond memories of my father reading The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings to us as children and The Hobbit was the first real book I read as a child, I remember trying so hard to learn how to read, just so I could read it for myself. We are at chapter VIII, "Flies and Spiders" which of course is a fabulous chapter, in which Bilbo really distinguishes himself, names his sword and there are a lot of really silly songs. We are just at the part where they are hauling the boat across the black enchanted stream in the middle of Mirkwood, and I told George that tonight we would find out who falls in the stream and what happens to them. I love to see his eyes shining when I tell him something like that. I think his favorite part so far has been the trolls. You should have heard him and Ian guffawing, laughing so hard at me doing the cockney voices of the trolls threatening to "squash them into jelly!" Of course, it has become a common phrase now in their play acting. I love it.

Claire is so close to starting to speak. She has started mimicking mouth movements and Nate and I are in a race to see whose name she will say first. ALL my kids so far have said Dada first and I am determined that she will say Mama first. Of course the kids are all trying to get her to say their names. It's so cute to hear Grace say "Come on, Cweery, Cweery, say Gwaaaaaaace!"

Well, I must away ere break of day to ebay...I have several things to look for there. Have a happy Wednesday!!!!

2007-06-26T13:45:00.000-05:00

I broke down and went to see Dr. Boddy yesterday morning, courtesy of a dear sweet friends insistence and the fact that same friend watched all my children for me. Unfortunately, I've been drinking so much water lately that they couldn't test my pee in the cup since it was so diluted. **I FAILED MY URINE TEST, BWAHAHAHA!!!** Please pardon my lame attempt at humor......So, I had to not eat any breakfast and go this morning to get blood drawn. The results of the myriad of tests he wanted done should be done by the end of the week. On a happy note, I am actually feeling much better today, an maybe I'm on the upswing of things finally.

Nate decided to finally replace the keyboard in the laptop, which I did not think necessary since we can hook the other one up to it and it works fine, but whatever, it's his machine. So he spent $30 on ebay and installed it last night, and guess what??? It still doesn't work. Let me show you. I'll write this sentence on this keyboard, typing normally.....'33 wr5te th5s sentence 6n th5s 2eyb6ard ty-5ng n6r0a33y. See?? You have to type like a one handed pirate for it to work...okay, the reason I say pirate is because I automatically lean towards the side I am having to hold down the function key, and kind of screw my mouth to the side...Remember "Hook", when Peter (Banning) Pan first gets back to Neverland and Julia Roberts Tink is in his hat telling him how to look like a pirate.....it makes me think of that. Anyway, oh well, I suppose I can hook the other keyboard up if I wish, although I should be getting my new modem in the mail soon, so I may not be using the laptop anymore at all anyway.

There are several things I would actually like to do seperate posts about, but I don't feel like it today, so I will say goodbye.....Hmm, now that I am back in the blogging world, I may just change my blog so it looks a little cuter. If anyone has any ideas, please let me know!!

2007-06-21T13:34:00.000-05:00

It is 2:35, the kids are all sleeping, and I would love to be sleeping as well. I was just trying in vain to look for a flattering swim suit online since my husband, the King of Honesty, told me last night that I looked like "an old grandma" in the suit I found. At least he didn't actually use the words "neon sausage". although he may have been thinking them! Anyway, so now I have to take that suit back and try to find something else that a. does not disappear when I put it on, and b. does not make me look like I just stepped off the Mayflower. The problem is that in stores, those are about your only options, super tiny string bikini that you could accidentaly swallow or frumpy spandex support garment. Anyway.... I had to call in sick to my lunch at Misty's since my fever returned and I was sick to my stomach this morning. AARGHHH!!! I emailed my Dr. and asked if he could write me a Rx for antibiotics, since it seems I do have the beginnings of a kidney infection. And I HATE antibiotics, for all their overusedness and catch-all cure conotation, but I suppose there are times when they are warranted. I haven't taken any since two years ago when I had the other kidney infection. Hopefully I won't have to go pee in a cup for him, and he'll just write the Rx anyway. It's just a huge pain to haul my four kids into a doctors office 45 minutes away, and then have them get sick from hanging out in germ-infested surroundings. I just won't do it!!! So, Dr. Bod will just have to write it. Maybe if I call him and ask really nicely, he will. We'll see. Kohl's is having great sales tommorow and Saturday on shorts and summer clothes and I just might go, since I am still very low on summer clothes that fit and have 1 pair of shorts, which aren't very flattering at all, and I have checked and checked the consignment stores and Goodwill and am having no luck. I hate to buy new when I can usually get things so much cheaper used, but oh well. Okay, I am falling asleep typing, I'd better take advantage of the half hour I have left me while the kids will probably still sleep and lay down for a bit. I've got to go to the chiropractor at 5:45 and I just might take Brandy to the humane society on the way. Yes, I think I have finally exhausted all hope of a nice family adopting her, after putting ads on two websites and posters up in the Brown's Pools stores for a few weeks now. We just can't take care of her anymore, she is getting hardly any attention, and hopefully if she in the shelter, she will be adopted soon. I am riddled with guilt over doing this, but I don't know what else to do. If you read this, just pray someone will call me and say "Hey, I'd love to have that beautiful dog you have, and I will give her a great home and she'll be so happy and you won't have to worry about her anymore!!"

2007-06-20T13:54:00.000-05:00

So, I've decided to start blogging again. I don't really have a great reason for starting again, other than I just feel like it is time. There was a long time where the thought of it just didn't "jive" with me right, and I knew it would be wasted time trying to convey anything, when my heart wasn't in it. Not that my blog has ever been anything super special or deep or anything like that, I just didn't have any creative energy left over, nor even any will to record my day to day. I think the last few weeks of my pregnancy with Claire were just very taxing- mentally, emotionally, and certainly physically. Then the delivery and even harder recovery time was one of the hardest times I have ever been through. I have noticed a trend with myself....it's as if when I am going through something hard I just fight so fiercely to pretend everything is okay and I just need to buck up and be tough, and it's only when I am on the other side of it and am doing better that I realize how bad it had been. Anyway, all of that to say that I am doing well now, we are finding a new normal...(as much as the chaotic environment of 4 extremely rambuncious children can ever BE normal, heh.), and I feel the time has come for me to be able to blog a bit once more. (Man, that sure was a lot of words just to say "Here I am again.")

This change is also facilitated by the fact that I finally figured out how to hook up the wireless keyboard to the laptop, so now I can actually type!!!! How Now Brown Cow...instead of having to hold down the "fn" key to use half the keyboard, never being able to use the Enter key, ??????? key or the Backspace key. Yup, that is annoying. "Gee, Charity", you ask, "why did you have to do all that???????" Well, I'll tell you, it was because my perfectionistic, super careful, non-clumsy husband and I went out to a coffee shop with wifi while I was pregnant. We brought the laptop to look at baby names online. We got coffee. And Nathan said to me, (the non-perfectionistic, ditzy and clumsy one) "Now make sure you don't spill YOUR coffee on MY laptop!" And then, guess what happenend!!!!!!! NO, you're wrong, I didn't spill any.....Immediately upon uttering those words, he dumped half his cup of coffee all over the keyboard!!! And I did not laugh, I mean, well, I was totally laughing inside, but I didn't want the other half of the coffee to be on me. So, needless to say, it just doesn't work very well. But that is no longer an issue, Praise the Lord!!!

So, what shall I actually blog about today??? Well, I could talk about the kids, of course, as they are the consuming factor in my day. The fact that George is getting impatient with me to hurry up and order his school books, that Ian is still having trouble keeping his underwear dry, but is making some leaps in communicating emotional things through words instead of just screaming, that Grace has been somehow ending up on Nate's pillow at 5 every morning now all week and she does NOT go back to sleep, that Claire is getting humungous, like her little five-month-old, almost-out-of-a-size-2-shoe-feet are already sticking out over the end of her infant car seat. That's a very quick summary of the kids for this moment.

And Nate is plugging away at the busy season, working a ton of hours and keeping his head above water only just. I tell you, that man is amazing. He is the one that all the disgruntled customers call, the one who always picks up the slack at the stores, the one who stays late, who runs to customers houses "on his way home" and just does an amazing job at all the myriad of responsibilities he has to do. Then he comes home and I see the canker sores in his mouth, the cracked and bloody skin on his feet, the dark circles under his eyes......and the huge smile on his face. He thrives on it, in a funny sort of way, and I am trying my best to be his best support when he is home. I know he just craves time with the kids and hates that he is missing out on so much, but we both know he is where the Lord wants him to be, and he is doing it heartily.

Then there's me. I don't know what to say about me. I went to the chiropractor this morning, for this annoying recurring pinched nerve in my shoulder, and Dr. Rob said he really wanted me to come back tommorow too, because my neck was so incredibly tight from being so out of alignment. And I will. I just get used to doing things a bit compromised and don't notice until I am better, how worse I was....you know, it's just like I was saying before. The whole frog in boiling water thing. Anway, speaking of that, I am feeling a ton better today after slowly beginning on a kidney infection that I have finally warded off with great amounts of Cran-Flush from North American Herb and Spice, cranberry fruit capsules, tons of water and my vitamins, which I had been failing to take for quite a while. When I get sick like that, it's like there is just this black hole of unconsciousness inside me just sucking the vitality out of me, and I have to struggle just to be able to think clearly enough to make the decisions I need to to get better. But I did, and I am getting better now, although I do desperately need to get started making my good bread again. I think I am just going to have to break down and buy a mixer thing. With my shoulder out half the time now, I just can't knead bread dough.

Well, I did something excuciatingly painful today, okay, not actually physically painful. I went bathing suit shopping. I can almost hear the "Oh, you poor thing"'s now. Now bathing suit shopping isn't fun at any time. (unless you are like a super toned size 2, I suppose, I wouldn't know.) But, when you are 20 lbs over what you should be, and you've had four kids in five years (You want to guess at the state of my stomach muscles?!?!?) then it is especially yucky. But, I did actually find one, and had to about pull my hair out to convince myself that spending $35 dollars on something that makes me look like a neon sausage is actually worth it. I haven't taken the tags of yet, though, we'll see what Nate says.

Well, look, I have already written a bunch. I will try to do some more tommorow, and who knows, it might even be interesting then. By the way, if anyone actually read this, please leave me a comment, I'd love it!!! Have a great day!

2007-06-15T16:08:00.000-05:00

Thankyou, Misty for reminding me of this, and so giving a small reminder of the amazing ray of sunlight that was Nattie. **Dance with the angels, Nattie** So, here are my things I am thankful for today, on this gray Friday afternoon...... 1. Thunder is rumbling outside, and we ae so thirsting for rain 2. My Gracie's blonde hair curling up in the humidity 3. Claire Bear is crawling around my bedroom floor, giggling at her toys. 4. The look of concentration on George's face as he plays way old school Zelda. 5. Ian's ketchupy smiles 6. Sweet friends to visit with this morning. 7. I am mad at Nathan....okay, I am slightly miffed at him, and he knows it, and the happy thing about this is that we can make up tonight. 8. A dear friend from Maine may be coming to visit me soon. 9. I have a large chocolate stash in my closet 10. And finally, there are only 28 more hours til Nathan is off.

2006-10-30T22:28:00.000-05:00

Well, we had a wonderful trip to Maine, the kids traveled really well considering we drove straight through and it was so great to be up there and see everyone. We stayed at Nanny and "Great" Grampy's old house, since they have moved up to the "camp" at Greenwood Pond now. Mama and Daddy came to stay there too later in the week and Dan and his kids came on the weekend. I got to visit with Heather and Amy and they had a baby shower for Sara and I on Sunday. The weather was great the first few days we were there, then rainy and kind of yucky the end of the week. It is always so relaxing to be up there, in a strange way, even though I don't ever get enough sleep. I came home far more exhausted than I left and still feel like I haven't caught up yet, although I am starting to.

This baby, or rather, the birth of this baby is looming larger on my horizon everyday. I hadn't really had many episodes of contractions again until today, and some of them this evening were getting almost painful. I felt a lot of downward pressure today, too. I did get a lot done, though, which is probably why I was having more contractions tonight. Nate has gone to watch the Vikings play football at Jer's house. I watched as much TV as I could before getting completely disgusted with the filth that is on the airways, and now I am just playing online. I got a new shower curtain today on ebay, it's really cute, with pine cones on it. Grace is doing really well potty training, and I think I might put her in real underwear tommorow. She had some on for a few hours last night and only had one little accident. She's such a stinker, though, she won't usually pee for you on the potty until after you've given her the little M+M. She does really have a lot of control over it for her age, at least compared to the boys. I don't know when Ian will get it, he wants nothing to do with the potty. I think he just doesn't realize that he could have control over going. That will come someday, I hope. At least he is doing better emotionally, although the last two days he has been a little worse. Overall though, he is communicating better and I have every confidence he will catch up to where he is "supposed" to be soon.

I have to say, my heart so is not in my blog anymore. I just have no more desire to write, and it's funny because I used to gain so much from it. I wonder if that will change again after the baby is born. I am looking forward to meeting this child and to seeing how my labor will go this time, but to be perfectly honest, I am just not looking forward to too much after that. The thought of nursing again, changing so many more diapers, the constant care, the lack of sleep, I am really discouraged when I think about it all, and I know that is just awful. I am just tired, and I have been for a really long time, and there is no real rest in sight. I am thankful for my children everyday, but some days I really wonder if it is worth continuing to have more if there is so little left of myself to take care of the ones I have. I don't know. I think Nate is becoming a little more understanding and sympathetic as time goes by, and he is a great help when he is here, but he can't be here very often. Every year the "slow season" gets a little shorter, it seems. We both know that this is the job and the place where the Lord has him right now, and we are so very thankful for it, but I don't know if our family can sustain itself on it indefinitely. As the children get older, they only become more aware of his absence and more bothered by it, and need his presence more and more. I'm glad the Lord knows all this and that He has a plan.

2006-10-03T20:09:00.000-05:00

I must apologize for my last post. I don't think I even thought anyone would read it, and I think I should have just written it to myself and then erased it if I really needed to get it out. But, now it's there, for all the world to see, a shining testament to my little emotional pregnancy pity party. It's a choice that I made, wrongly, to focus on the negative, instead of the positive, and I was convicted for it. This morning's Daily Bread led me to Ephesians 4:1-3 "I therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you that you walk worthy of the vocation wherewith you were called, with all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering, forbearing one another in love; endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace." I know that was for me today, and that I need to make a recommitment to do just that, to walk worthy of the vocation that I have been called, that of being a Godly wife and mother, and to live in lowliness and meekness, keeping peaceful unity. Thankyou so much to those of you who left the caring comments, they bolstered my spirits and were a blessing.

2006-10-02T16:22:00.000-05:00

I know it has been forever since I have blogged. I have no excuses, but I don't feel it is necessarily an "obligation", more like an opportunity that I have been deciding lately not to take advantage of. I don't really have time to be doing it now, I am just frustrated and don't really have anyone to complain to.......not that I should be complaining, I just feel the need to get some things out.

I don't think this is necessarily the most gracious thing to think, or say, but it is the truth, and one that I am frustratingly aware of over and over and over and again tonight it has been emphasized. And here it is......it sucks for me to have to depend on my husband. I love him, he is wonderful when he is here, he is just dependably undependable.....only when it comes to me. If it has anything to do with work, you can bet your bottom dollar he is on top of it, the hardest working one there, the last to leave, the one to pick up the slack and go the extra mile. He's such a trooper. Unfortunately, I don't think it is possible for a person, at least not him, to be this way at work AND at home, and it has never been even a concious choice with him that work is what is most important.

We had a very good conversation the other night. I felt like it tore down some barriers that had crept up between us. He looked into my eyes and said he was sorry for some things, and that he really wanted to make a new commitment to leaving work to be home when he could and even that he was going to call me everyday to see how I was doing. He called one day, and as for him leaving when he can, I have no way of knowing. I only know that I so don't get moved anymore when he has the once or twice a year emotional breakthrough and promises to put his family first. I just don't believe it anymore. It is very tempting to think that things are really going to be different, but they aren't.

And yet, whether I want to believe he has upped his level of commitment to me, to us, or not, there are still times when I have to depend on him, to be home at a certain time, to do the occasional favor for me that I can't do myself, and almost invariably, he does not come through. And it is frustrating. Not only because it means I usually have to break a commitment on my end, but because I always WANT to believe him. I want to KNOW that I can trust him to be here when he says he will be, to remember things that he doesn't get paid to remember, and it would be nice to think that he even thinks of me once or twice a day. But, I don't know that, usually I know exactly the opposite, that he won't be here when I need him to be, that he won't remember the very infrequent times I have asked him to do something, that he won't think of me when he's not with me.

I don't think I am a demanding person. I think a reasonable assesment of the things I ask of him would reveal themselves to be definitely in the category of "not much at all." I don't ask that he be home for dinner every night, or even to help put the kids to bed. I don't ask to be taken out on dates, or to have some "me time" every now and again. I don't ask him to go shopping for me, or even to pick things up on his way home more than maybe once every two months or so. I don't ask him to help around the house very often, (although he certainly knows I am extremely thankful when he does.) But, several years ago, I made a commitment to be part of a ladies Bible study that meets once a week, and I can't bring my children to it. So that's one night a week that I ask he be home by 6:30. It has been over three years since I have been going to this, and yet every....single....week......, I have to ask him whether or not he will be home so I can go. And most of the time, he isn't home on time. Recently, our computer broke. He hasn't taken the time to see if he can fix it, but that is beside the point. I still have my laptop to be online when I need to be, but I can't print anything out. We are doing a childbirth class with some friends who are having their first baby. I have gathered some resources off the internet and emailed them to him at work to have him print off and bring home. And he forgets. After I have reminded him hours before I need them. It's just not important enough for him to remember.

I don't think these tendancies would bother me so much if they weren't solely directed at me. If he were like this at work, forgetting "important" commitments, not being on time, breaking his word, then I would completely understand him being the same way at home. But, when he is so dependable and honorable when it comes to anything for work, and it is only when it is ME that asks something of him that he doesn't come through, it's kind of hard not to take it personally.

It just pounds the message into my brain..

"You are not important to me."

"Your concerns mean nothing to me."

"My word is worthless only when I give it to you."

"You are not worth thinking about."

And that hurts.

And there's nothing I can do about it. Should I just completely cancel all obligations I have made? Should I just stop wanting to trust him, to depend on him? Or should I just stop caring? I don't really know what is the "right" thing here to do. Probably complaining about it isn't the right thing to do either, I just know I am going to explode if I don't get this off my chest. But you know what? I don't really feel better about anything now than I did before.....

2006-07-26T15:04:00.000-05:00

So, I just read on beautiful Cheri's "Kudzu and Koolaid" about Shannon (from Rocks in my Dryer)'s great idea for Works For Me Wednesday. **I know, I know, I am completely html illiterate, and could easily find out how to do links, the bottom line is that I am LAZY...so sorry***

I have had a three bag laundry sorting um, thingie for over a year now, and while George has been able to figure out what goes where since I first showed it to him, I have YET to inspire Nathan to actually use the mental effort to put his clothes where they should go. Okay, I have 5 laundry bags. Three in a cool little plastic framed sorter thing with drawstring removable bags, and on either side of this, two pop up mesh bags. From left to right, they are for: light colored dress clothes and delicates, dark dress clothes and delicates, whites, darks, and lighter colored laundry. It has been a constant frustration trying to get Nate to remember that his work pants don't go with his jeans and that his dark socks don't go with his white socks, etc. As I said, George knows where it all goes, but Ian still has no clue, and doesn't have any idea of colors, so telling him which color bag or right to left doesn't help much either.

So...last night I made up some little posters in the hopes that my genius-but-careless husband, and my younger kids can take more of a role in the laundry and sorting. I went to several different websites that had pictures of clothes, Sears, Target, Wal-mart, etc. and saved the pictures to my computer. Then, in my American Greetings Creatacard program, (I'm sure you could use any program) I put the different kinds and colors of appropriately seperated clothes on pieces of cardstock. (I even downloaded the logo from Nate's business to put on the pictures of the dress shirts. :P) So now all I have to do is tape the "posters" up on the wall over each bag, and even the little kids will be able to figure out what goes where. I would love to take a picture of this, but alas we are between cameras and can't. Hope this helps someone else, I sure have loved reading all the smart tips on the WFMW page from Rocks in my Dryer. Thanks, Shannon!! :)

2006-07-26T14:21:00.000-05:00

It's 3:17 in the afternoon. It is a rare day in that the rooms immediately surrounding me are neat and picked up, the children are sleeping, and I am not. I was very tired this morning, in fact, barely able to keep my eyes open, while Grace and Ian played around (and sometimes on) me. George is very much enjoying his first time at Vacation Bible School this week. He comes home with descriptions of the games and is very wrapped up in the missionary story of Amy Carmichael. Incidentally, that is the name of my best friend from middle school, whom I haven't written to or called in far too long, although she has been in my dreams and in my prayers more lately. Anyway, I am glad for George to be able to do that, even though my "homeschool mind" starts to flinch a bit at not knowing exactly what he's being taught and how he is being taught it. Not that I distrust anyone running the program, I know them all well, and am confident of their content and intentions, I just HATE to miss a teaching opportunity.

I think more than anything, this desire has arisen in me over the last few months as I have been contemplating, planning for, and thinking about starting a more structured program of instruction with George. Just taking the opportunities that life and the child himself presents, instead of trying to artificially fashion them from a textbook schedule. As I begin to form my own philosophies of practical instruction and what exactly our goals for our own homeschool will be, this thought has continued to come up. I certainly will be using textbooks as tools, but I don't want the scope and sequence of any book to dictate our learning times, or style. I know I have been blessed in George in his capacity as a student. The Lord has given him insatiable curiousity about the world around him, and a need to fit it all together. I pray that I will be able to adequately fan the flames of his curiosity and only encourage his growth and continued passion for learning, and never be guilty of squelching the natural inclinations of the heart the Lord gave him. I know he will struggle in some areas, already he has a distaste for writing, but I believe that is due more to his own impatience with himself and his desire for it to be just right, than from any rebelliousness or aversion. I think once he gets good enough at it that he appreciates his own work, that he will enjoy it more. The hard part for me is convincing him that the practice to get good is just as important as the final product. But, this of course, is just one more facet of my life that I need to bathe in prayer and continually look to the Lord for direction and confirmation of the decisions I make.

2006-07-25T15:21:00.000-05:00

Oh yeah....I have a blog!!!! I knew I forgot something!!! ***smacks forehead and tilts blonde head to the side with deer in the headlights look***

I think all of my creative energies of the last few months have gone into um, creating (you know what I mean) this fastly growing baby. BUT, I do feel a bit more freedom to get beyond the day to day here and I miss the accountability and the release of blogging, and am hoping to get back into it very soon. Wow, even writing this much feels good. :) Okay, that's all I have time for now, but Lord willing I will be able to return soon.

2006-05-19T12:31:00.000-05:00

At the park. I totally didn't plan it that we all had red shirts on. Hmmmm, what do you think my favorite color is?!?! :P

2006-05-19T12:30:00.000-05:00

Mama and George

2006-05-19T12:29:00.001-05:00

Mama and Ian

2006-05-19T12:29:00.000-05:00

Mama and Gracie

2006-05-19T12:28:00.001-05:00

The kids and the Easter bunnies on Easter morning.

2006-05-19T12:28:00.000-05:00

This was on Easter evening at Karen and George's house.

2006-05-19T12:27:00.000-05:00

Okay, this was the picture I put in the w@h "photo day in my life" right after the positive pregnancy test. Surprise, another baby is on the way. I will be 9 weeks on Tuesday. :)

2006-05-06T07:29:00.000-05:00

Well, I figured since it has been about a bajillion years since I have blogged, I should do so. I have a few minutes here, while the boys are eating and Grace is still sleeping. We are full into the "busy season" at Nate's work. He was able to come home at 7 last night and that was the first time he'd really spent any time with the kids since Sunday. They had so much fun. He was just spinning them around and carrying all three at once and wrestling and tickling them all...you know, all the things I don't do. :P They were all laughing hysterically, it was great. We were all so tired and cranky last week we didn't go to church, and this week, we are skipping again!!!! to go to the circus. (Just slightly ashamed at writing that, but not really!!) Someone gave us four free passes to the Shriner's circus and midway in Marietta and Sunday will be the last day they are there. I will miss going to church, but I think the investment in our family will so be worth it. "Where two or three are gathered in my name..." could certainly apply to our family of five, and the precious time we get to spend together as a family sure does make me praise the Lord, just as much as if I were to be singing in the church building.

I got to go out to lunch with my dear friend Amy last Saturday. We went to Chili's, and had such a nice visit. It was wonderful!!! I am so thankful for her, and I am going to miss her so much when they move. They've been having a lot of people come look at their house lately, too.

Speaking of friends, Misty and her family are on the road to Disney right now. I am praying they have a wonderful trip. I know they will. I would love to go back to Disney World some day. We ended up having such a fabulous time there last year. I hope we do get to go again.

Nate said he thought our trip to Maine this fall will work out, for which I was SOOO thankful. It will be so great to be up there, and I am hoping this will be the year George makes his inaugural trip up Borestone Mountain. He really wants to go, and I have told him he needs to walk a lot and exercise to make his feet and legs stronger so he'll be able to do it. Nate will probably end up piggybacking him a lot of the way, but it'll be a great experience for him anyway.

Well, I have lots to do, I'd better go. You know, some people have really intersting, edifying blogs that people actually like to read....that just makes me laugh when I compare mine to theirs...Oh well!!! :P Happy Saturday!!

2006-04-14T19:41:00.000-05:00

Apparently, I have dimentia, since I keep blogging about the same things over and over....duh!
Or maybe that's just a sign that not enough actually goes on in my life, I have the same things being repeated over and over again. Even though I feel busy most of the time...hmmm.
Anyway, it's 8:40. The kids are in bed, the living room, computer room and dining room are picked up, and I have no idea where Nate is. I tried to reach him a few times today, to no avail. They started summer hours this week, open til 7 on weekdays, 6 on Saturdays, but as Esther brought up with ill feelings the other day, the way the Douglasville store works is that intead of locking the doors promptly at closing time, they let people keep coming in, and wait until the last customer has left to actually close. I think it's good business. Kind of sucks for the employees, but good business.

We are having Easter dinner over at Nate's house Sunday late afternoon. I am making rolls, a vegetable dish, and maybe a dessert. I haven't decided yet. One year I made a super cute bunny cake with coconut all over it for fur, twizzlers for whiskers, m + m's for eyes, nose and mouth, and chiclets for teeth. It was beyond adorable. I usually get all excited about doing an easter egg hunt for the kids, but this year, for some reason, I don't feel any peace about doing that. I think we will still dye eggs, but no candy or hunt. I am excited to dress them up, though, if I can just find Grace's little lavender hat. I got her the cutest dress, it is so adorable, and the boys will wear the ties they picked out last year. The best, most inspiring salvation message I have ever heard was done by Pastor Carl two years ago on Easter. Last year I was in the nursery, but I am looking forward to the service this year.

I asked my mother in law tonight about her watching the boys during the day so I could go out to Colorado to see my friend and possibly be with her while she delivers. I still haven't checked into tickets. I know it is a long shot, but if Karen says yes, I will see about going. I will take her negative answer as a definite closing of that door. She's thinking about it, and will get back to me. I do hope it works out, but I won't be terribly disappointed if not, it just won't have been meant to be.

Well, I should go, I have laundry to put away, and I might try Nate again. Happy Friday!