Back Home Again

Here's the only picture of me from our vacation, snuggling with my cute husband in the dining hall of Camp Oak Hills, which was our central meeting spot for all meals, lots of play and fun during our first ever Buchan family vacation in the northwoods of Minnesota. It was wonderful.

Wordless Wednesday...Dancing Children

I have continually made a mental note to do Friday Felicities for the last few weeks, and guess what, I keep missing it. But that certainly shouldn't put the kibosh on my counting my blessings blog-style. I'll just give it a go in this stolen moment....

• Grace is standing behind me, totally engrossed in playing with about 10 cars on the windowsill of the playroom. I wish my camera batteries weren't dead, this would make a great picture...the sun streaming through her wispy blonde hair while she cocks her head and does falsetto voices for the different cars crashing into each other and having an indepth conversation while they are doing it. She has on a pinky pink pink dress on and no shoes. When she smiles, her black lashes almost make her sparkly blue eyes disappear. All you see is the dimple on her right cheek and that expanse of adorable still baby teeth. Precious.
• Claire is also behind me, still in her little blue frilly nightgown, crawling around amongst the blocks and cars left out by the older kids this morning. Yesterday, she stood up......yes, she stood up, holding onto something, but just barely holding on. The placid expression on her face just totally mocking all the baby books that say you should probably be eating solid food before you embark on a track career, and also flying in the face of the personal history of my other children, none of whom walked before a year. Not that she's close to walking, but you can just see the little subtle glint in her eye, whispering "Hi, world, it's me, Claire. I'm not very loud, but when you're not looking, I'm totally going to make my mark, and it will be all my own."
• There are days when Ian just makes me cry. Sometimes for joy at his simple, beautiful affectionate nature. Sometimes for frustration because I just don't feel I am getting through to him and I feel he needs so much more than I am capable of giving. In Publix the other day, I couldn't keep the tears from my eyes, watching him get upset over, well, I never did figure out what, but he just lost it, tears and desperate heart-hurting cries of frustration that ended with him repeatedly slapping himself. Sometimes I just can't get through. BUT, sometimes it is beautiful. He was putting the cushions back on the couch the other day, (after a great fort experience) and then stood up on top of them and declared to the world "I'm decently cool!!!" I said "What, Ian??" He looked at me like, "Uh, Mama, what are you, slow or something?" and repeated himself, "Mama, I'm DECENTLY COOL!" Yes, he is.
• The kids and I hit Burger King's dollar menu for supper last night, since we had to do a Target diaper run and the timing was as it was. As we were leaving, and George was being a little less than as grateful as he should have been, (this is the third time we've eaten out in 2 weeks, for crying out loud) I said "You know, when I was little like you, we hardly ever went to restaurants." To which George wisely replied "Mama, it's because there were no restaurants back then."
• My husband is a rare man. He will tell me when something doesn't look good on me, if something wasn't a good enough deal to make it worth my deal finding time, and also just give me his opinion when I ask for it without trying to stilt his answer to defer to my feminine sensitivities. His honesty was a lot to get used to in those way too sensitive first years of marriage when, let's face it, all you want to hear is "Of course you're beautiful and skinny and brilliant, nothing could be otherwise." It took me a few years to realize that this "brutal honesty" was a huge blessing. I know he will tell me the truth, and you know, it just makes it mean so much more when he leers at me and says "You are mighty fine, woman." If he will tell me when I'm not, I know he means it when he says I am. I love that.
  

George William

I was just explaining to George what a blog was, why it existed, and why it was fun. The only thing he really connected with was when I said "I can write whatever I want to." Then he said "Well, then, Mama, you should write...George is cool!" So, here goes, my message for the day....

GEORGE IS COOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Really, George is very cool, for many reasons, like..

• He loves the color red just like I do.
• He can remember what he got for his first birthday, what we had for dinner when we when to a friend's house when I was pregnant with Ian...so he was about 16 months old, and a million other random and not so random things.
• He is an incredible helper to me with his three little siblings
• He absolutely adores his Daddy
• He is afraid of new things, but he tries them anyway
• He told me he has to have his head facing the wall when he's in bed, because that is "the good dream side"
• He is almost up to my armpit.....and he's only five
• He is incredibly intelligent...and he knows it
• He has started asking me for hugs...just because he knows I like them, even though he doesn't
• He is a total rock star at original Nintendo Mario
• He loves me to read him The Hobbit
• He was looking around at the world, taking it all in, before he was even completely born
• He was saying Dada at 5 months, and Mama at 6 months, and he hasn't stopped talking since then
• He loves to go camping
• He was my first born son, beautiful pregnancy, wonderful delivery, bleary eyed-sleepless infanthood-ed, eat on the dot every three hours baby around the clock.
• He is a wonderful big brother
• He is a rock fanatic
• He climbed Borestone Mtn. (see pic above) in October.. "without ever stopping once!"

I know there are a million more things I'm not thinking of. He is my almost complete personality opposite and he so rocks my world. Sometimes I am terrified I am totally screwing him up, thinking "Why, Lord, did you ever give him to me...surely you know me, and you know him, and it seems like such a bad fit" But of course, the Lord does know this, and I'm sure he is using George to grow me and teach me.

Back at last

How did it get to be August?!?!? That's what I want to know. The end of July turned out to be pretty hectic as Nate's grandfather passed away and we had to drive up to Minnesota unexpectedly. The trip went really well, though. We were able to borrow the church's 11 passenger van and Nate got a fabulous deal on a fancy hotel from Priceline. The kids were so good on the trip, despite being in a van for 24 hours straight, minus short rest stops, and then being in hotel rooms, churches, houses with no toys, etc. It was just not a kid friendly trip at all, but they did so well and adjusted wonderfully. I think that says more about people praying for us than for the children's natural wont, but it was a great blessing. We left Friday afternoon. Nate drove til 10 pm, then Night Owl Me got a big coffee and drove til 6 am, then Nate drove some more, then his dad drove us into Minneapolis. I got about 2 hours of broken sleep in the back of the van the rest of the day, so was a bit zombie like when we arrived at Nate's grandmother's house. But, after a good night's rest at the Crown Plaza, I was good to go. The visitation at the funeral home was Sunday evening, then Monday morning was the memorial service. Nate wrote a beautiful tribute to his grandfather and read it at the funeral. He said that getting his thoughts down on paper and thinking through it all was a really good grieving time for him. Here is what he wrote:

"As I look to my memories of the time I spent with my grandfather I am struck by how much of what I remember I still see through the eyes of my childhood. These sweet memories, though they may be fading, are a heritage to be treasured, honored, and passed on to my children. I think today of the legacy of Grandpa Bob embodied in the four little children I call my own. What will they know of their great grandfather through me, how will his life effect them, though they never knew him. Will they wonder about this man, about their fleeting young memory of the time of his passing?

I imagine someday little Grace and Claire asking about Great Grandpa Bob, this big happy man they see in an old picture album. Oh, Grandpa would have loved you, I would tell them. When he saw you, he wouldn’t have called you Zeke or Squirt or Tiger or one of the other nicknames he had for your uncle and me, but I’m sure you’d have had a special girl’s nickname all your own. And he probably wouldn’t have brought you baseball cards or sports magazines when he came to visit you, but you can bet he would have thought of something to bring you to make you feel special. Then he would have picked you up with his great strong hands, set you up on his knee, and asked you what you’d been up to. Later you could have heard his great big laugh fill the room you were in and you’d have seen the smiles on the faces of each person there as they shared in his stories, his jokes, and his sayings.

You could be sure at some point his stories would turn to food, and he’d probably have you almost drooling as you shared in his delight over the cooking he’d enjoyed on some recent day. You might even have started to get hungry, but you wouldn’t be worried, because when you were with Grandpa Bob a trip to Perkins couldn’t be too far off.

He would always have his camera close by, and you’d probably get so used to him pulling it out of his front shirt pocket and snapping it that you’d hardly even notice after awhile. If you visited his house you might have seen his desk and his colored pencils, and then you’d have known one reason he took so many pictures. On a special day, you might have been able to come along as he delivered a portrait he had drawn of a friend or acquaintance. You’d have seen the look of surprise and gratitude on that person’s face, amazed that this friendly man would give such a special part of himself and his talents and ask nothing in return.

As you would visit with Grandpa Bob you might hear some small story about a time very long ago when he gave a special part of himself and his talents for the service of this great country he loved. He wouldn’t tell you much, but you’d still marvel that this man whom you knew and loved had played a part in such a vast and terrible struggle for the sake of your freedom.
Throughout the day you’d notice what a special place Grandma held in his life. Whether it was a quick kiss on the cheek, squeeze of the hand, holding of a door, or a quick wink and grin as he said, “Yes Dear,” you would be sure that he couldn’t do without this amazing woman in his life.
When it was time for him to go away he’d remind you to write him a letter just to say Hi. Then he’d be absolutely sure to get a great big hug from you, he’d squeeze you so tight you’d feel the rough scratching of his cheek on yours, and the fresh smell of his aftershave would linger with you even as you watched his Buick drive away down your street. Then all at once you’d miss him, because he’d brought such joy into your life that day.

“I want to spend a day with my Great-Grandpa,” I imagine my little Claire saying as she hears these stories. Well, I would say, there is something else I want to tell you about Grandpa, the most important thing, really. You see, he had a friend, a very dear, cherished, wonderful friend. This friend was with him every single day of his life, and when he was older he grew closer and closer to Him. He told his family about this great friend, and many others he met during his life. It gave him great peace to know this friend, and it was his complete trust in this friend’s grace and love that brought him to the place where he is today. If he could have just a moment with you now I know his first words would be of this friend. His friend’s name is Jesus. You can know Jesus too, my dear little girl. You can accept the gifts He has for you, spend this life with Him, love Him, and some far-off day, when the time is right, it’s only Jesus who can take you to a place where you too can spend a day with Grandpa Bob."

Nate did so well reading it, too. He so has a gift for public speaking and just sharing things in a wonderful way that people understand. It's funny, I joke with him that most people are scared of public speaking and do fine with "private" speaking, but he's just he opposite, it's the one on one conversations he has trouble with. ;P We got to spend some good time with relatives after the service, and then the burial at Fort Snelling was Tuesday morning. We left after lunch on Tuesday.

The timing of the Minnesota trip was a bit disappointing, only because I missed a little time with my dear friend, Heather, who had flown down from Maine to spend a week. Esther picked her up at the airport for me the night before we got home. So Heather had to spend the morning here by herself, with only Bandit the kitten for company. She was so gracious, though, and didn't even mind that I was kind of braindead for driving all night long and then for a few hours at the end of the trip before we got home around 1 on Wednesday afternoon.

I had such a wonderful visit with Heather. Where do I even begin describing the sweet, godly, incredible woman that is Heather MacKenzie?!? Our families have known each other forever, in fact, I think we are actually 5th or 6th cousins, so we have been friends for ever, but this was the first time we were actually able to spend any significant amount of time together visiting since we were in high school. We got to know each other as women, not just as friends, and it was great. It was so refreshing to be with someone who is not so caught up in the many things that so commonly distract women from what is truly important. Part of that is just that she's from Maine, and, well, we're just simpler up there, but mostly it is just that she has her eyes fixed on Jesus, and all the earthly things pale in comparison. Although she is one of the most beautiful and graceful people I have ever met, she doesn't care at all about makeup, having the latest hairstyle, wearing the newest, coolest clothes, driving the newest car, living in a fancy house or other shallow concerns that we as women sometimes get stuck on. At least I know I do. She didn't seem concerned about what other people thought of her, about being the center of attention, about getting "what she deserves" from people around her. She is just a servant, devoted to her husband, loving her family, serving the Lord in whatever He gives her to do. She has a radiance that shines on her features and colors her speech that only comes from having your heart resting in the Lord. We had some really great talks, sharing our different struggles, encouraging one another and sharing what the Lord is teaching us. I am so thankful that she came.

Now that I had my mopey day yesterday over the fact that Heather had to go home to her husband, I am feeling back to life today and am now all excited about planning our real trip to Minnesota, that we had had planned for months before we had to go up for Grandpa Bob's funeral. There was some talk of nixing the trip because we had to go up for that, but those of us in the Buchan family who think with our hearts and now with our wallets (think...anyone but Nathan...) have convinced the more reluctant ones that this is a necessary trip still. Actually I think it is even more important now, especially for Nate's grandmother, for her to have some time after Bob's passing and then to have us up there for a more joyful reunion. So, we are all excited. We will be staying at the camp that is at Oak Hills college where Scott and Mandi work. I can't wait to be out there on the lake. And, Monday night when Heather and I went out to dinner and shopping, courtesy of my wonderful husband watching the kids for me, I found a bathing suit!!!! And it actually covers me up, and looks halfway cute!! I was so excited, and the best part is that it was about 70% off. I found some really cute little fishing poles for the boys on ebay. George is so excited for us to finally go on a canoe ride, which we never got to do when he and I and Claire went up to Maine in May. Oh, I could so spend all day on a lake in a canoe, just paddling around in the stillness, listening to the loons call, or jumping in to swim in the refreshing water. I think I may be more excited to go than the kids are. And, we will get to spend more time with Scott and Mandi and their beautiful girls. They are such wonderful people and it will be great to have that time together without having to rush around like we did when we were in MN before.

Well, now that I have developed a crippling case of carpel tunnel from typing so much, I should go. BUT, on this 2nd day of August, I have to say "Happy Anniversary!" to my wonderful parents, who have been married 32 years today...wow! And "Happy Birthday!!" to my crazy little brother, David, "May your sporran always be full and your kilt never rise in the wind!" (Just a little Scottish humor for you)

11 pm

So we got through VBS, Ian's birthday party, boys camping trip, late night baseball game and all, and I am tired. VBS went pretty well, I loved the three 11 year old girls on my team. Ian had kind of a hard time some days and ended up spending some of the time with me, but for the most part he did pretty well. I think he would have been fine if he had been with a teacher who understood him better and realized that although he looks almost exactly like his very mature older brother, he is much more on the same level with his little sister who is in the nursery. I try very hard not to compare my children and I hate it when other people do, especially since George and Ian are so very different developementally. But, as I said, for the most part, he had a good time and not too many tears.

Ian's Superhero party was a lot of fun. We had a total of 13 kids here, counting the 2 babies, Claire and Ella, and I think 9 adults. Go check out my Flickr for pictures. Ian was so happy with all the kids being here and loved all the very many presents he got. Everyone was so generous and sweet. He was so excited to get his kitty and the kitty has been great. We named him Bandit for the "mask" on his face. Actually my clever friend, Lisa, came up with it and it fit perfectly, and went with our B themed pet names. Hopefully this kitty will be with us for longer than Bailey and Baxter were, and certainly longer than Buster, Brandy and Boscoe, although I think Boscoe still has a few good years left. Brandy was taken to the pound by Nate, then the day before she was to be put to sleep, I got a call from a friend of a friend of a friend who wanted to adopt her. So, I got her out yesterday, they came and picked her up last night, and hopefully that is the end of it. I even gave them money towards getting her spayed.

Just to get a bit beyond the day to day, I thought I would chronicle a bit of my journey lately. I have felt an overwhelming sense of mental floundering for months now, just a sort of disorganized fog over my thoughts and actions and plans and have been trying to clear it by making lists, trying to plan better, sticking to a schedule, etc, to no avail. I have also been floundering in my physical health, not making the effort to eat well myself, not remembering to take my vitamins, not paying attention to my own nutrition, stress, sleep levels. I would say that I have been in a fog emotionally, but more accurately, it is just that I have been in neutral, like a kind of sustained, push-it-away denial sort of mindset. All of these things I have, at different times, made an effort to correct, in and of themselves. Can you see the missing element here? Probably, and if so, you have done better in 30 seconds that I have done in 8 months. Finally today, the Lord allowed my fog to lift enough mentally to put it all together and realize the real root of my lack of concrete accomplishment and success in any area. It is because my spiritual life has slipped. I know this should SOOO be a no-brainer, and I don't know why I was insisting on compartmentalizing everything continually but finally the wool has been lifted from my eyes, and the incredibly simple truth is laid bare before me. I have been trying, feebly, to do what I need to, be what I need to, in my own strength. I have let slide that so important reliance on the One who knows me, the One who made me, and the only One who can enable me to actually succeed in all He gives me to do, and be. It has not been a wilful, rebellious, even conscious choice to neglect the sustaining Bread of Life. It has been more like a gradual forgetfulness, a slow enveloping of my mind in this fog of "things" until I have forgotten even what it was that I needed so badly. I have not been in a hard place, I have just been in an empty place, and I am so incredibly thankful that the Lord has opened my eyes to the great lack in me, before I got even further down this road of complaisant apathy. There has been no broken and contrite spirit, not even an acknowledging of the slow hardening of my heart. I am writing this for a reminder to myself, that what I have been trying to do myself isn't working. My children are not being cared for as they ought, my husband is not being loved as he should be, I have not been the friend, counselor, child, woman I should be, and I need to change now. Or rather, I need to start feeding the Holy Spirit inside of me so that He can change me. It is still only a tiny spark of hunger for righteousness, but I know it will grow, and so will I.

Monday Meanderings...

So I missed Friday Felicities, can this be Monday Meanderings??? My day today was filled with a dog. I mean, I was excited, (and a little sad) that an incredibly benevolent and sweet friend agreed to take Brandy to the Atl. Humane Society for me. Which, unlike the local h.s.'s, do not require a spaying, vaccinations, etc. to accept an animal. So they came this morning to pick her up. I cried, but I knew she would be adopted soon, out where people could see her and all. BUT, the shelter was full. They couldn't take her. So, now we are back where we started, with a bit more info on spaying, and a list of other shelter's numbers. This dog is such a fabulous dog, if anyone would just meet her, they would love her. "Well," you ask, "if she's so great, why don't you want to keep her?" Well, besides the fact that we already have an 8 year old Beagle who requires feeding, watering, walking and potty breaks, I have four little kids to take care of. Two very wild boys, 4 and 5 that scream and yell and run and jump and want stories read and Lego towers and sand castles built and dragons and astronauts drawn and DVDs put in and want to know why water freezes and why monkeys can't talk and how exactly do the two sides of the magnet really repel each other, and blankets tied around their heads and fights broken up. And, I have a 2 1/2 year old feisty little girl, who wants Buzz lightyear gotten down from the top of the dresser where she threw him, and stories read, (pages out of order, with silly voices), and makeup put on, and chips to eat, and asks for her vitamins 67 times a day, and has made an art form out of antagonizing her brothers, climbing everything in sight (in cowboy boots and a purple plastic bunny hat) and stealing the baby's pacifier. And I have a baby. A beautiful, sweet, chunky, smiley baby who wants to crawl all over you and nurse every 2 hours, and cuddle with her favorite blanket (thank you, Dana) and be flown airplane style around the bedroom. And I have three meals and snacks to make for said children, dishes to clean up after said meals are made, mountains of laundry to do, bathroom trips to enforce, diapers to change, potty training, errands to run, groceries to buy (and somewhere in there find time to eat and shower and make myself look halfway presentable by the time my dear husband gets home at who knows when)......basically, I'm a normal stay at home mom of four kids and I don't have time to give attention to a sweet and rambunctious dog.........So, please pray, as I have been, that someone will see the posters, respond to the posting on the websites, hear about her and want to take her home and give her a good home. Because while this is certainly a good home, it's just not a good home for a lively dog. Now if someone would take one of the children.....

It's Wednesday. I've just realized that Ian's birthday is coming up very soon, and I have a lot of planning to do for it and our church's VBS (which I am helping with) is the week before. His birthday is on the 13th, Friday (hey, freaky!!) and we will have the party on Saturday the 14th. Are you reading this Misty?? Super Hero birthday party for Ian on July 14th, 11-1, lunch provided. Josiah is officially invited. Actually, we are going to do real invitations here sometime, so he will get one in the mail.

And now for the last chapter in the on-going saga of the coffee splashed keyboard. So Nate had gotten a new keyboard and installed it, but no dice....well, last night he searched online for about 2 hours and found a way to undo the fn key!!! The man is a genius!! So now, I can actually type. Notice I did not say spell or use proper grammar, but at least I can type now! Yay!!!

I went and ran a bunch of errands today, wal-mart, target, michaels, bread store, returned some videos, etc. I am working on some intensive "store training" with my children. I know, some people would say "They're just little kids, let them be kids, loosen up!" But I do not agree. I think that when you are in a store it is a wonderful opportunity to teach your children about what a very wise woman calls "the preciousness of others." As in, we don't yell, scream, touch things, fool around, etc. in a store, not only because it would be disobedient, but because it would be inconsiderate to the other people in the store. I believe you do not act in a store the same way you do when you are horsing around at home with your siblings. And believe me, they do plenty of that. So, we are working on it. And I am trying to stick to my guns. Today the kids lost a trip to the playground because they weren't behaving. Grace especially is really testing her limits. Recently, when told to do something, she has started saying "So want toooooo." in a whiny voice, which means "I don't want to." So not only is she whining-the cardinal sin around here- but she is also basically saying "I have a good reason for disobeying... it's because I don't feel like it." Gee how I love the terrific two's!!!!! All Nate sees of her is her curled up in our bed some mornings, and more infrequently, her carrying around "Papa" her pink puppy, getting ready for bed at night. On Sundays when he is home, we are at church, then eating, then kids are napping, so he gets about 4 hours a week, seriously, to actually interact with her, or any of the kids for that matter. I don't think he believes me that she is bratty at all. Little does he know.......

On another note, George has been extremely respectful and obedient and some things that we have been working and working on have finally become routine for him. We are reading The Hobbit at night together, which we both love. I have such fond memories of my father reading The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings to us as children and The Hobbit was the first real book I read as a child, I remember trying so hard to learn how to read, just so I could read it for myself. We are at chapter VIII, "Flies and Spiders" which of course is a fabulous chapter, in which Bilbo really distinguishes himself, names his sword and there are a lot of really silly songs. We are just at the part where they are hauling the boat across the black enchanted stream in the middle of Mirkwood, and I told George that tonight we would find out who falls in the stream and what happens to them. I love to see his eyes shining when I tell him something like that. I think his favorite part so far has been the trolls. You should have heard him and Ian guffawing, laughing so hard at me doing the cockney voices of the trolls threatening to "squash them into jelly!" Of course, it has become a common phrase now in their play acting. I love it.

Claire is so close to starting to speak. She has started mimicking mouth movements and Nate and I are in a race to see whose name she will say first. ALL my kids so far have said Dada first and I am determined that she will say Mama first. Of course the kids are all trying to get her to say their names. It's so cute to hear Grace say "Come on, Cweery, Cweery, say Gwaaaaaaace!"

Well, I must away ere break of day to ebay...I have several things to look for there. Have a happy Wednesday!!!!

I broke down and went to see Dr. Boddy yesterday morning, courtesy of a dear sweet friends insistence and the fact that same friend watched all my children for me. Unfortunately, I've been drinking so much water lately that they couldn't test my pee in the cup since it was so diluted. **I FAILED MY URINE TEST, BWAHAHAHA!!!** Please pardon my lame attempt at humor......So, I had to not eat any breakfast and go this morning to get blood drawn. The results of the myriad of tests he wanted done should be done by the end of the week. On a happy note, I am actually feeling much better today, an maybe I'm on the upswing of things finally.

Nate decided to finally replace the keyboard in the laptop, which I did not think necessary since we can hook the other one up to it and it works fine, but whatever, it's his machine. So he spent $30 on ebay and installed it last night, and guess what??? It still doesn't work. Let me show you. I'll write this sentence on this keyboard, typing normally.....'33 wr5te th5s sentence 6n th5s 2eyb6ard ty-5ng n6r0a33y. See?? You have to type like a one handed pirate for it to work...okay, the reason I say pirate is because I automatically lean towards the side I am having to hold down the function key, and kind of screw my mouth to the side...Remember "Hook", when Peter (Banning) Pan first gets back to Neverland and Julia Roberts Tink is in his hat telling him how to look like a pirate.....it makes me think of that. Anyway, oh well, I suppose I can hook the other keyboard up if I wish, although I should be getting my new modem in the mail soon, so I may not be using the laptop anymore at all anyway.

There are several things I would actually like to do seperate posts about, but I don't feel like it today, so I will say goodbye.....Hmm, now that I am back in the blogging world, I may just change my blog so it looks a little cuter. If anyone has any ideas, please let me know!!

It is 2:35, the kids are all sleeping, and I would love to be sleeping as well. I was just trying in vain to look for a flattering swim suit online since my husband, the King of Honesty, told me last night that I looked like "an old grandma" in the suit I found. At least he didn't actually use the words "neon sausage". although he may have been thinking them! Anyway, so now I have to take that suit back and try to find something else that a. does not disappear when I put it on, and b. does not make me look like I just stepped off the Mayflower. The problem is that in stores, those are about your only options, super tiny string bikini that you could accidentaly swallow or frumpy spandex support garment. Anyway.... I had to call in sick to my lunch at Misty's since my fever returned and I was sick to my stomach this morning. AARGHHH!!! I emailed my Dr. and asked if he could write me a Rx for antibiotics, since it seems I do have the beginnings of a kidney infection. And I HATE antibiotics, for all their overusedness and catch-all cure conotation, but I suppose there are times when they are warranted. I haven't taken any since two years ago when I had the other kidney infection. Hopefully I won't have to go pee in a cup for him, and he'll just write the Rx anyway. It's just a huge pain to haul my four kids into a doctors office 45 minutes away, and then have them get sick from hanging out in germ-infested surroundings. I just won't do it!!! So, Dr. Bod will just have to write it. Maybe if I call him and ask really nicely, he will. We'll see. Kohl's is having great sales tommorow and Saturday on shorts and summer clothes and I just might go, since I am still very low on summer clothes that fit and have 1 pair of shorts, which aren't very flattering at all, and I have checked and checked the consignment stores and Goodwill and am having no luck. I hate to buy new when I can usually get things so much cheaper used, but oh well. Okay, I am falling asleep typing, I'd better take advantage of the half hour I have left me while the kids will probably still sleep and lay down for a bit. I've got to go to the chiropractor at 5:45 and I just might take Brandy to the humane society on the way. Yes, I think I have finally exhausted all hope of a nice family adopting her, after putting ads on two websites and posters up in the Brown's Pools stores for a few weeks now. We just can't take care of her anymore, she is getting hardly any attention, and hopefully if she in the shelter, she will be adopted soon. I am riddled with guilt over doing this, but I don't know what else to do. If you read this, just pray someone will call me and say "Hey, I'd love to have that beautiful dog you have, and I will give her a great home and she'll be so happy and you won't have to worry about her anymore!!"

So, I've decided to start blogging again. I don't really have a great reason for starting again, other than I just feel like it is time. There was a long time where the thought of it just didn't "jive" with me right, and I knew it would be wasted time trying to convey anything, when my heart wasn't in it. Not that my blog has ever been anything super special or deep or anything like that, I just didn't have any creative energy left over, nor even any will to record my day to day. I think the last few weeks of my pregnancy with Claire were just very taxing- mentally, emotionally, and certainly physically. Then the delivery and even harder recovery time was one of the hardest times I have ever been through. I have noticed a trend with myself....it's as if when I am going through something hard I just fight so fiercely to pretend everything is okay and I just need to buck up and be tough, and it's only when I am on the other side of it and am doing better that I realize how bad it had been. Anyway, all of that to say that I am doing well now, we are finding a new normal...(as much as the chaotic environment of 4 extremely rambuncious children can ever BE normal, heh.), and I feel the time has come for me to be able to blog a bit once more. (Man, that sure was a lot of words just to say "Here I am again.")

This change is also facilitated by the fact that I finally figured out how to hook up the wireless keyboard to the laptop, so now I can actually type!!!! How Now Brown Cow...instead of having to hold down the "fn" key to use half the keyboard, never being able to use the Enter key, ??????? key or the Backspace key. Yup, that is annoying. "Gee, Charity", you ask, "why did you have to do all that???????" Well, I'll tell you, it was because my perfectionistic, super careful, non-clumsy husband and I went out to a coffee shop with wifi while I was pregnant. We brought the laptop to look at baby names online. We got coffee. And Nathan said to me, (the non-perfectionistic, ditzy and clumsy one) "Now make sure you don't spill YOUR coffee on MY laptop!" And then, guess what happenend!!!!!!! NO, you're wrong, I didn't spill any.....Immediately upon uttering those words, he dumped half his cup of coffee all over the keyboard!!! And I did not laugh, I mean, well, I was totally laughing inside, but I didn't want the other half of the coffee to be on me. So, needless to say, it just doesn't work very well. But that is no longer an issue, Praise the Lord!!!

So, what shall I actually blog about today??? Well, I could talk about the kids, of course, as they are the consuming factor in my day. The fact that George is getting impatient with me to hurry up and order his school books, that Ian is still having trouble keeping his underwear dry, but is making some leaps in communicating emotional things through words instead of just screaming, that Grace has been somehow ending up on Nate's pillow at 5 every morning now all week and she does NOT go back to sleep, that Claire is getting humungous, like her little five-month-old, almost-out-of-a-size-2-shoe-feet are already sticking out over the end of her infant car seat. That's a very quick summary of the kids for this moment.

And Nate is plugging away at the busy season, working a ton of hours and keeping his head above water only just. I tell you, that man is amazing. He is the one that all the disgruntled customers call, the one who always picks up the slack at the stores, the one who stays late, who runs to customers houses "on his way home" and just does an amazing job at all the myriad of responsibilities he has to do. Then he comes home and I see the canker sores in his mouth, the cracked and bloody skin on his feet, the dark circles under his eyes......and the huge smile on his face. He thrives on it, in a funny sort of way, and I am trying my best to be his best support when he is home. I know he just craves time with the kids and hates that he is missing out on so much, but we both know he is where the Lord wants him to be, and he is doing it heartily.

Then there's me. I don't know what to say about me. I went to the chiropractor this morning, for this annoying recurring pinched nerve in my shoulder, and Dr. Rob said he really wanted me to come back tommorow too, because my neck was so incredibly tight from being so out of alignment. And I will. I just get used to doing things a bit compromised and don't notice until I am better, how worse I was....you know, it's just like I was saying before. The whole frog in boiling water thing. Anway, speaking of that, I am feeling a ton better today after slowly beginning on a kidney infection that I have finally warded off with great amounts of Cran-Flush from North American Herb and Spice, cranberry fruit capsules, tons of water and my vitamins, which I had been failing to take for quite a while. When I get sick like that, it's like there is just this black hole of unconsciousness inside me just sucking the vitality out of me, and I have to struggle just to be able to think clearly enough to make the decisions I need to to get better. But I did, and I am getting better now, although I do desperately need to get started making my good bread again. I think I am just going to have to break down and buy a mixer thing. With my shoulder out half the time now, I just can't knead bread dough.

Well, I did something excuciatingly painful today, okay, not actually physically painful. I went bathing suit shopping. I can almost hear the "Oh, you poor thing"'s now. Now bathing suit shopping isn't fun at any time. (unless you are like a super toned size 2, I suppose, I wouldn't know.) But, when you are 20 lbs over what you should be, and you've had four kids in five years (You want to guess at the state of my stomach muscles?!?!?) then it is especially yucky. But, I did actually find one, and had to about pull my hair out to convince myself that spending $35 dollars on something that makes me look like a neon sausage is actually worth it. I haven't taken the tags of yet, though, we'll see what Nate says.

Well, look, I have already written a bunch. I will try to do some more tommorow, and who knows, it might even be interesting then. By the way, if anyone actually read this, please leave me a comment, I'd love it!!! Have a great day!

Thankyou, Misty for reminding me of this, and so giving a small reminder of the amazing ray of sunlight that was Nattie. **Dance with the angels, Nattie** So, here are my things I am thankful for today, on this gray Friday afternoon...... 1. Thunder is rumbling outside, and we ae so thirsting for rain 2. My Gracie's blonde hair curling up in the humidity 3. Claire Bear is crawling around my bedroom floor, giggling at her toys. 4. The look of concentration on George's face as he plays way old school Zelda. 5. Ian's ketchupy smiles 6. Sweet friends to visit with this morning. 7. I am mad at Nathan....okay, I am slightly miffed at him, and he knows it, and the happy thing about this is that we can make up tonight. 8. A dear friend from Maine may be coming to visit me soon. 9. I have a large chocolate stash in my closet 10. And finally, there are only 28 more hours til Nathan is off.

Well, we had a wonderful trip to Maine, the kids traveled really well considering we drove straight through and it was so great to be up there and see everyone. We stayed at Nanny and "Great" Grampy's old house, since they have moved up to the "camp" at Greenwood Pond now. Mama and Daddy came to stay there too later in the week and Dan and his kids came on the weekend. I got to visit with Heather and Amy and they had a baby shower for Sara and I on Sunday. The weather was great the first few days we were there, then rainy and kind of yucky the end of the week. It is always so relaxing to be up there, in a strange way, even though I don't ever get enough sleep. I came home far more exhausted than I left and still feel like I haven't caught up yet, although I am starting to.

This baby, or rather, the birth of this baby is looming larger on my horizon everyday. I hadn't really had many episodes of contractions again until today, and some of them this evening were getting almost painful. I felt a lot of downward pressure today, too. I did get a lot done, though, which is probably why I was having more contractions tonight. Nate has gone to watch the Vikings play football at Jer's house. I watched as much TV as I could before getting completely disgusted with the filth that is on the airways, and now I am just playing online. I got a new shower curtain today on ebay, it's really cute, with pine cones on it. Grace is doing really well potty training, and I think I might put her in real underwear tommorow. She had some on for a few hours last night and only had one little accident. She's such a stinker, though, she won't usually pee for you on the potty until after you've given her the little M+M. She does really have a lot of control over it for her age, at least compared to the boys. I don't know when Ian will get it, he wants nothing to do with the potty. I think he just doesn't realize that he could have control over going. That will come someday, I hope. At least he is doing better emotionally, although the last two days he has been a little worse. Overall though, he is communicating better and I have every confidence he will catch up to where he is "supposed" to be soon.

I have to say, my heart so is not in my blog anymore. I just have no more desire to write, and it's funny because I used to gain so much from it. I wonder if that will change again after the baby is born. I am looking forward to meeting this child and to seeing how my labor will go this time, but to be perfectly honest, I am just not looking forward to too much after that. The thought of nursing again, changing so many more diapers, the constant care, the lack of sleep, I am really discouraged when I think about it all, and I know that is just awful. I am just tired, and I have been for a really long time, and there is no real rest in sight. I am thankful for my children everyday, but some days I really wonder if it is worth continuing to have more if there is so little left of myself to take care of the ones I have. I don't know. I think Nate is becoming a little more understanding and sympathetic as time goes by, and he is a great help when he is here, but he can't be here very often. Every year the "slow season" gets a little shorter, it seems. We both know that this is the job and the place where the Lord has him right now, and we are so very thankful for it, but I don't know if our family can sustain itself on it indefinitely. As the children get older, they only become more aware of his absence and more bothered by it, and need his presence more and more. I'm glad the Lord knows all this and that He has a plan.

I must apologize for my last post. I don't think I even thought anyone would read it, and I think I should have just written it to myself and then erased it if I really needed to get it out. But, now it's there, for all the world to see, a shining testament to my little emotional pregnancy pity party. It's a choice that I made, wrongly, to focus on the negative, instead of the positive, and I was convicted for it. This morning's Daily Bread led me to Ephesians 4:1-3 "I therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you that you walk worthy of the vocation wherewith you were called, with all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering, forbearing one another in love; endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace." I know that was for me today, and that I need to make a recommitment to do just that, to walk worthy of the vocation that I have been called, that of being a Godly wife and mother, and to live in lowliness and meekness, keeping peaceful unity. Thankyou so much to those of you who left the caring comments, they bolstered my spirits and were a blessing.

I know it has been forever since I have blogged. I have no excuses, but I don't feel it is necessarily an "obligation", more like an opportunity that I have been deciding lately not to take advantage of. I don't really have time to be doing it now, I am just frustrated and don't really have anyone to complain to.......not that I should be complaining, I just feel the need to get some things out.

I don't think this is necessarily the most gracious thing to think, or say, but it is the truth, and one that I am frustratingly aware of over and over and over and again tonight it has been emphasized. And here it is......it sucks for me to have to depend on my husband. I love him, he is wonderful when he is here, he is just dependably undependable.....only when it comes to me. If it has anything to do with work, you can bet your bottom dollar he is on top of it, the hardest working one there, the last to leave, the one to pick up the slack and go the extra mile. He's such a trooper. Unfortunately, I don't think it is possible for a person, at least not him, to be this way at work AND at home, and it has never been even a concious choice with him that work is what is most important.

We had a very good conversation the other night. I felt like it tore down some barriers that had crept up between us. He looked into my eyes and said he was sorry for some things, and that he really wanted to make a new commitment to leaving work to be home when he could and even that he was going to call me everyday to see how I was doing. He called one day, and as for him leaving when he can, I have no way of knowing. I only know that I so don't get moved anymore when he has the once or twice a year emotional breakthrough and promises to put his family first. I just don't believe it anymore. It is very tempting to think that things are really going to be different, but they aren't.

And yet, whether I want to believe he has upped his level of commitment to me, to us, or not, there are still times when I have to depend on him, to be home at a certain time, to do the occasional favor for me that I can't do myself, and almost invariably, he does not come through. And it is frustrating. Not only because it means I usually have to break a commitment on my end, but because I always WANT to believe him. I want to KNOW that I can trust him to be here when he says he will be, to remember things that he doesn't get paid to remember, and it would be nice to think that he even thinks of me once or twice a day. But, I don't know that, usually I know exactly the opposite, that he won't be here when I need him to be, that he won't remember the very infrequent times I have asked him to do something, that he won't think of me when he's not with me.

I don't think I am a demanding person. I think a reasonable assesment of the things I ask of him would reveal themselves to be definitely in the category of "not much at all." I don't ask that he be home for dinner every night, or even to help put the kids to bed. I don't ask to be taken out on dates, or to have some "me time" every now and again. I don't ask him to go shopping for me, or even to pick things up on his way home more than maybe once every two months or so. I don't ask him to help around the house very often, (although he certainly knows I am extremely thankful when he does.) But, several years ago, I made a commitment to be part of a ladies Bible study that meets once a week, and I can't bring my children to it. So that's one night a week that I ask he be home by 6:30. It has been over three years since I have been going to this, and yet every....single....week......, I have to ask him whether or not he will be home so I can go. And most of the time, he isn't home on time. Recently, our computer broke. He hasn't taken the time to see if he can fix it, but that is beside the point. I still have my laptop to be online when I need to be, but I can't print anything out. We are doing a childbirth class with some friends who are having their first baby. I have gathered some resources off the internet and emailed them to him at work to have him print off and bring home. And he forgets. After I have reminded him hours before I need them. It's just not important enough for him to remember.

I don't think these tendancies would bother me so much if they weren't solely directed at me. If he were like this at work, forgetting "important" commitments, not being on time, breaking his word, then I would completely understand him being the same way at home. But, when he is so dependable and honorable when it comes to anything for work, and it is only when it is ME that asks something of him that he doesn't come through, it's kind of hard not to take it personally.

It just pounds the message into my brain..

"You are not important to me."

"Your concerns mean nothing to me."

"My word is worthless only when I give it to you."

"You are not worth thinking about."

And that hurts.

And there's nothing I can do about it. Should I just completely cancel all obligations I have made? Should I just stop wanting to trust him, to depend on him? Or should I just stop caring? I don't really know what is the "right" thing here to do. Probably complaining about it isn't the right thing to do either, I just know I am going to explode if I don't get this off my chest. But you know what? I don't really feel better about anything now than I did before.....

So, I just read on beautiful Cheri's "Kudzu and Koolaid" about Shannon (from Rocks in my Dryer)'s great idea for Works For Me Wednesday. **I know, I know, I am completely html illiterate, and could easily find out how to do links, the bottom line is that I am LAZY...so sorry***

I have had a three bag laundry sorting um, thingie for over a year now, and while George has been able to figure out what goes where since I first showed it to him, I have YET to inspire Nathan to actually use the mental effort to put his clothes where they should go. Okay, I have 5 laundry bags. Three in a cool little plastic framed sorter thing with drawstring removable bags, and on either side of this, two pop up mesh bags. From left to right, they are for: light colored dress clothes and delicates, dark dress clothes and delicates, whites, darks, and lighter colored laundry. It has been a constant frustration trying to get Nate to remember that his work pants don't go with his jeans and that his dark socks don't go with his white socks, etc. As I said, George knows where it all goes, but Ian still has no clue, and doesn't have any idea of colors, so telling him which color bag or right to left doesn't help much either.

So...last night I made up some little posters in the hopes that my genius-but-careless husband, and my younger kids can take more of a role in the laundry and sorting. I went to several different websites that had pictures of clothes, Sears, Target, Wal-mart, etc. and saved the pictures to my computer. Then, in my American Greetings Creatacard program, (I'm sure you could use any program) I put the different kinds and colors of appropriately seperated clothes on pieces of cardstock. (I even downloaded the logo from Nate's business to put on the pictures of the dress shirts. :P) So now all I have to do is tape the "posters" up on the wall over each bag, and even the little kids will be able to figure out what goes where. I would love to take a picture of this, but alas we are between cameras and can't. Hope this helps someone else, I sure have loved reading all the smart tips on the WFMW page from Rocks in my Dryer. Thanks, Shannon!! :)

It's 3:17 in the afternoon. It is a rare day in that the rooms immediately surrounding me are neat and picked up, the children are sleeping, and I am not. I was very tired this morning, in fact, barely able to keep my eyes open, while Grace and Ian played around (and sometimes on) me. George is very much enjoying his first time at Vacation Bible School this week. He comes home with descriptions of the games and is very wrapped up in the missionary story of Amy Carmichael. Incidentally, that is the name of my best friend from middle school, whom I haven't written to or called in far too long, although she has been in my dreams and in my prayers more lately. Anyway, I am glad for George to be able to do that, even though my "homeschool mind" starts to flinch a bit at not knowing exactly what he's being taught and how he is being taught it. Not that I distrust anyone running the program, I know them all well, and am confident of their content and intentions, I just HATE to miss a teaching opportunity.

I think more than anything, this desire has arisen in me over the last few months as I have been contemplating, planning for, and thinking about starting a more structured program of instruction with George. Just taking the opportunities that life and the child himself presents, instead of trying to artificially fashion them from a textbook schedule. As I begin to form my own philosophies of practical instruction and what exactly our goals for our own homeschool will be, this thought has continued to come up. I certainly will be using textbooks as tools, but I don't want the scope and sequence of any book to dictate our learning times, or style. I know I have been blessed in George in his capacity as a student. The Lord has given him insatiable curiousity about the world around him, and a need to fit it all together. I pray that I will be able to adequately fan the flames of his curiosity and only encourage his growth and continued passion for learning, and never be guilty of squelching the natural inclinations of the heart the Lord gave him. I know he will struggle in some areas, already he has a distaste for writing, but I believe that is due more to his own impatience with himself and his desire for it to be just right, than from any rebelliousness or aversion. I think once he gets good enough at it that he appreciates his own work, that he will enjoy it more. The hard part for me is convincing him that the practice to get good is just as important as the final product. But, this of course, is just one more facet of my life that I need to bathe in prayer and continually look to the Lord for direction and confirmation of the decisions I make.

Oh yeah....I have a blog!!!! I knew I forgot something!!! ***smacks forehead and tilts blonde head to the side with deer in the headlights look***

I think all of my creative energies of the last few months have gone into um, creating (you know what I mean) this fastly growing baby. BUT, I do feel a bit more freedom to get beyond the day to day here and I miss the accountability and the release of blogging, and am hoping to get back into it very soon. Wow, even writing this much feels good. :) Okay, that's all I have time for now, but Lord willing I will be able to return soon.

At the park. I totally didn't plan it that we all had red shirts on. Hmmmm, what do you think my favorite color is?!?! :P 

Mama and George 

Mama and Ian 

Mama and Gracie 

The kids and the Easter bunnies on Easter morning. 

This was on Easter evening at Karen and George's house. 

Okay, this was the picture I put in the w@h "photo day in my life" right after the positive pregnancy test. Surprise, another baby is on the way. I will be 9 weeks on Tuesday. :) 

Well, I figured since it has been about a bajillion years since I have blogged, I should do so. I have a few minutes here, while the boys are eating and Grace is still sleeping. We are full into the "busy season" at Nate's work. He was able to come home at 7 last night and that was the first time he'd really spent any time with the kids since Sunday. They had so much fun. He was just spinning them around and carrying all three at once and wrestling and tickling them all...you know, all the things I don't do. :P They were all laughing hysterically, it was great. We were all so tired and cranky last week we didn't go to church, and this week, we are skipping again!!!! to go to the circus. (Just slightly ashamed at writing that, but not really!!) Someone gave us four free passes to the Shriner's circus and midway in Marietta and Sunday will be the last day they are there. I will miss going to church, but I think the investment in our family will so be worth it. "Where two or three are gathered in my name..." could certainly apply to our family of five, and the precious time we get to spend together as a family sure does make me praise the Lord, just as much as if I were to be singing in the church building.

I got to go out to lunch with my dear friend Amy last Saturday. We went to Chili's, and had such a nice visit. It was wonderful!!! I am so thankful for her, and I am going to miss her so much when they move. They've been having a lot of people come look at their house lately, too.

Speaking of friends, Misty and her family are on the road to Disney right now. I am praying they have a wonderful trip. I know they will. I would love to go back to Disney World some day. We ended up having such a fabulous time there last year. I hope we do get to go again.

Nate said he thought our trip to Maine this fall will work out, for which I was SOOO thankful. It will be so great to be up there, and I am hoping this will be the year George makes his inaugural trip up Borestone Mountain. He really wants to go, and I have told him he needs to walk a lot and exercise to make his feet and legs stronger so he'll be able to do it. Nate will probably end up piggybacking him a lot of the way, but it'll be a great experience for him anyway.

Well, I have lots to do, I'd better go. You know, some people have really intersting, edifying blogs that people actually like to read....that just makes me laugh when I compare mine to theirs...Oh well!!! :P Happy Saturday!!

Apparently, I have dimentia, since I keep blogging about the same things over and over....duh!
Or maybe that's just a sign that not enough actually goes on in my life, I have the same things being repeated over and over again. Even though I feel busy most of the time...hmmm.
Anyway, it's 8:40. The kids are in bed, the living room, computer room and dining room are picked up, and I have no idea where Nate is. I tried to reach him a few times today, to no avail. They started summer hours this week, open til 7 on weekdays, 6 on Saturdays, but as Esther brought up with ill feelings the other day, the way the Douglasville store works is that intead of locking the doors promptly at closing time, they let people keep coming in, and wait until the last customer has left to actually close. I think it's good business. Kind of sucks for the employees, but good business.

We are having Easter dinner over at Nate's house Sunday late afternoon. I am making rolls, a vegetable dish, and maybe a dessert. I haven't decided yet. One year I made a super cute bunny cake with coconut all over it for fur, twizzlers for whiskers, m + m's for eyes, nose and mouth, and chiclets for teeth. It was beyond adorable. I usually get all excited about doing an easter egg hunt for the kids, but this year, for some reason, I don't feel any peace about doing that. I think we will still dye eggs, but no candy or hunt. I am excited to dress them up, though, if I can just find Grace's little lavender hat. I got her the cutest dress, it is so adorable, and the boys will wear the ties they picked out last year. The best, most inspiring salvation message I have ever heard was done by Pastor Carl two years ago on Easter. Last year I was in the nursery, but I am looking forward to the service this year.

I asked my mother in law tonight about her watching the boys during the day so I could go out to Colorado to see my friend and possibly be with her while she delivers. I still haven't checked into tickets. I know it is a long shot, but if Karen says yes, I will see about going. I will take her negative answer as a definite closing of that door. She's thinking about it, and will get back to me. I do hope it works out, but I won't be terribly disappointed if not, it just won't have been meant to be.

Well, I should go, I have laundry to put away, and I might try Nate again. Happy Friday!

Okay, I refuse to start every post with a revisitation of why I don't post that often. I just don't anymore, that's all. There, now I have set my psyche to rest. :P It's been a busy week. I went Tuesday morning to run some errands, including buying paint for the bathrooms from Lowe's. It's a beautiful color called "spring spirits." Translation: light green. It was totally one that just caught my eye, I picked up the paint card, fell in love with the color, went completely against my nature and just trusted my first instinct and didn't deliberate or think who would like what color better, I just knew I liked it, and bought it. I think it will look so pretty with the Southern Living bathroom set I got, too!! I am so excited to have it done. I also have my wallpaper for the dining room to put up, but Nate hasn't had time to help me do it yet, and it's definitely a two person job. We talked about colors of paint for the living room and hallway, too, but that will defnitely be a bigger project. I soooo need to do some realy spring cleaning, like washing walls, dusting high corners, scrubbing cabinets and doors, etc. I think I might ask Karen if she could watch the kids some Saturday morning, that would work out well if she could.

I need to take pictures of George with his Awana grand prix car. He won first place for design, (tied along with two other boys) and second place for speed. He was so excited with his ribbons. Nate helped him make a Buzz Lightyear. It looks really cool. Buzz is in the front window and the little three eyed aliens from Toy Story are waving from the sides. We wrote "To Infinity... and Beyond!" on the doors, and George wanted to write "Star Command" on the back.

Women @ Home has moved again. I was a little disappointed not to be able to go see all the old posts and all, but we'll make new ones. I can't imagine the work the admins must have done just to get the new board set up again so soon, and how disheartening that they just had to do it a while ago when the first board crashed. I think it's one of those I didn't really know how much it meant to me until I thought of it not being there anymore, kind of things. I kept meaning to actually copy and print what everyone was so gracious to write about me when I was the w@h woman of the week on Wednesday or whatever. I couldn't believe how generous people were with what they said, it was amazing, humbling and really really treasured by me. Oh well, at least I still have the memories, and the knowledge that "You like me!!You really, really like me!!" :P

Anyway, I must go, on to better things, or at least different ones. :) Happy Thursday!

It's Thursday morning. I need to go buy bread because we are going to Douglasville to have a picnic with the Calkins at Hunter Park and well, I just gave our last two pieces of bread to the boys as toast, and poor planning me, doesn't have enough time to make any before we have to leave. I have felt a bit nauseated since yesterday afternoon. That has nothing to do with the first statement at all. Hmm, I'd better do bullets, you can get away with having no continuity in your thoughts better that way:

*I need a haircut. Like, badly. I'm starting to look Amish with split ends.
*Grace is finally, finally walking more than she is crawling.
*I am seriously considering going about 7 states away to be a doula at the birth of my friend's third child in a few weeks.
*I really want to teach Cubbies next year in Awana, only so it gets done better.
*That's not a real gracious statement, but still true.
*Nate and George worked on George's Grand Prix car Monday when he took half the day off
*George wanted a lion car, but has settled for a race car since Nate had no idea how to do a lion.
*Nate wanted to put a little Brown's Pools logo on the car, but I wouldn't let him.
*I was so proud of Nate yesterday, he really addressed some issues with people that needed to be addressed, even though he hates conflict. He did a great job.
*The boys are watching "Toy Story 1" for about the 47th time since we got it from the library last week.
*Grace woke up at 5:30 to nurse and is sleeping still right now.
*My brother in law had a court date a few days ago, and has his second in a few weeks.
*He is thinking of joining the military, and I don't think it will be good for him. at all...
*My other brother in law is graduating from high school in a few weeks.
*I talked to my brother Dan on Saturday.
*I should call David.
*I should email my grandparents.
*I am thinking of getting an elliptical machine.
*I think Cheri is an absolute beautiful genius.
*Misty and her whole family are sick, but hopefully getting better now.
*I wore shorts two days this week.
*I put a skirt on for the fun of it on Saturday, and when Nate got home, he decided to take me out on a date!!!! It was wonderful!!!
*I am so not "ready" for the busy season, but I am getting there.
*Nate didn't get home until 9 on Tuesday, and won't be home til probably later than that tonight
*The Newnan store preparations are going forward, though :)
*Esther is in Disney World right now, and I am jealous :P
*We still have the Happy Birthday sign up from Karen's birthday party last Friday night. It was the Hot Wheels one I got for Ian's birthday last year.
*I want to get Ian a Thomas track for his birthday this year.
*George is doing great reading, and has started reading words he sees all over the place.
*Ian is starting to try to say letter sounds, mimicing George and it's so cute.
*My hot tub is empty right now. Nate drained it on Monday and hasn't cleaned and refilled it yet. :(
*I had ordered border for Grace's room, they sent the wrong one, I sent it back, got the right one, and now I wish I had the first one. The room is painted a light lavender. The border is light greens, with a thin light blue edge. I thought it had more colors in it, like the lavender, but it doesn't really, and now I don't know what to do to get the wall to match the border. I'm stumped.
*I got my wallpaper from country house, though for the dining room, and I love it!!!
*Now I just have to get Nate to help me put it up. Maybe Sunday.
*My mother's birthday is on Saturday. I sent her present already, but my printer is broken, so I haven't been able to make her a card.
*I found Psalm 116:9 in Hebrew and I so want to get the first part of it tattooed on my foot.
*Ian has finally started communicating verbally a bit more since completely regressing while he was sick.
*Grace has started throwing temper tantrums. Face on the floor, high pitched screaming ones. I can't help but laugh at her.
*I can't wait to paint my house!!! Spring Spirits in the bathroom, Ponderosa Pine three feet up in the living room, then the rest of the walls and hallway a coffee color.
*I so need to start working out again. I'm running out of excuses for not doing it!!
*Okay, I have to go. Happy Thursday!!! :)

Misty driving. We had a total blast, and she didn't even break her record of NEVER being pulled over...and we even went through Whitesburg!! 

In the restaurant. Susan, Misty, me, Becky and Ashley 

Susan, Becky and Ashley outside Rigatoni's 

Ashley fixing us fabulous chicken tortilla soup, Yummy!!! 

At Becky's house 

Look how cute Ashley is!!!  

I have blogged so much in my head, there's not much more to actually write down. Kidding. :P Really, since I have started doing this, and have fallen out of the habit of actually doing it, I think of things that would make great blog entries, and compose them beautifully (and without spelling errors) in my head. It would be just so much easier if I could just plug a cord into my head and download my thoughts, like I do with the pictures from my digital camera. Speaking of which, I will post some from my fabulous weekend trip to Alabama. :) Alas, there is no such technology yet, that of plugging your brain into the computer and having it blog for you, so I will have to settle for insubstantial posts, few and far between, and just live with the knowledge that I really know my brain is teeming with brilliant discourses on a myriad of subjects that alas, will never be known to the general populace. What a shame.

Anyway, my children are screaming around me, I am still in my pajama pants. Grace was practicing throwing a tantrum closeby, then noticed that no one was looking at her, and got up and crawled off to play. The boys are playing with some cute little bath tread ducks I got yesterday. I'm surprised they're not asking for lunch yet, but that's why I stole a minute to write some. I got all of Grace's clothes sorted, organized, packed away and hung up this morning. That was a job that had been needing to be done for weeks, and I am finally done it. Which brings up the subject of the hour: procrastination. I have always struggled with this, but I think I have excused myself a bit because I am so incredibly much better at it than most of the people in my family, where it is a veritable plague. Yet, still, I do succumb to the temptation to "put it off" far too often. I have kind of turned a blind eye, conviction-wise, to it, but recently, it has really been made clear in my sight. It is very hypocritical in me to espouse honesty as the virtue above all others that I treasure in people, and yet, when I procrastinate, or say I am going to do something ,and then do not, I am being dishonest myself. I'm lying to myself, I am lying to others. Even if it is only a goal that exists only in my own mind, if I set out to do it, I am accountable before the Lord to get it done. There is no excuse for it to be otherwise. I'm not talking about taking care of sin or facing Biblical truths that the Lord brings before me, I am just talking about everyday things that I set as goals, or say I want to accomplish, then let them go by the wayside. For example, I had verbally set as a goal to get some things listed on eBay in the month of February. I got one thing listed. Misty even came over and helped me take a bunch of pictures and showed me how to set everything up, and I never followed through. I find it far too easy to make excuses and let other things get in the way. You know, I hate it when Nathan does this. I absolutely can't stand it, when he says he is going to be home at a certain time, or accomplish a project at a certain deadline, and it doesn't happen. That bothers me so badly. But, when I do this, how am I behaving any differently than what I despise in his behavior? I'm not. I don't really have any right to expect him to be "honest" with me in this respect, when I am not honest myself.

On to happier, (and less rife with conviction) subjects. I had an incredibly relaxing, fun, wonderful weekend!! It was so neat to be in on the surprise for Becky's birthday lunch and to meet Susan, and Ashley, and Becky. Not to mention being able to spend that much time with one of my favorite people on earth-Misty. We had such a blast. I could talk to and listen to her for hours. We talked and laughed and sang, (Okay, she sang, I wasn't going to put her through my singing!) and the time went really quickly. We stopped at Edgars bakery in Birmingham, which was so beautiful and you could just smell the calories in the air. They had all manner of confectionary delights. I got some cinnamon rugelach for Nate and some chocolate lollipops for the boys. I haven't given them to them yet. I think I might wait til Easter. They've got adorable little frosting bunnies and chicks on them. We ate lunch at Rigatoni's Italian restaurant. It was fabulous. Becky was so sweet, Ashley was so wonderful, and Susan was an all out trip, so funny and great. It was wonderful. Then we went shopping and met Ashley's husband and daughter and went to Becky's house, where we met her sweet family. Her boys are so cute!! She let me squeeze her little one's cheeks before he went to bed. I'd been dying to all evening. We sat and talked and fellowshipped and had a great time, then went to stay at Ashley's parents house, who were out of town for the weekend. It was great. Some leftover pizza and cinnamon rolls for breakfast and we were on the road. I was sorry to see it all end, although of course I was happy to get home.

Nathan had made bread, had the house cleaned, and all children present and accounted for when I got home. It was so sweet of him to let me go, and I had such a good time. George told me when he got up from his nap that he didn't miss me, though and no one missed me. Not meanly, just very matter of fact. He did start crying as soon as he saw me, and whimpered for a day and half after that, too. Sometimes, I just don't know how to help that kid. Ian made up for any lack of welcome elsewhere, though, he was SOOO excited to see me and just kept hugging me and then holding my face in his hands and hugging me some more with a huge grin on his face.

The kids are finally completely, I hope, over this stomach virus that they passed along for a week and a half. Ian got it first, then Grace, then George. George was the least sick and the most wiped out. Grace got over it in two days, but Ian kept hanging on to it for about 5. I did about three loads of laundry or more everyday last week, and my hands were raw from washing so often, but we kept from getting it passed around again, and from Nathan and I getting it, so that was worth it. I think we picked it up from going to BK and the boys playing in the playplace. I guess I hadn't really thought of it, I just assumed they must clean and sanitize those things, but sources tell me no. :P I don't think we'll be doing that anytime soon again.

Well, I must go, the posse is getting hungry and I need to do some laundry so I have some pants to wear tonight to Awana. I am wondering whether or not I want to be in Awana next year and have my kids in it. Nothing against the program, I just am starting to feel questioning that that will be the right thing for us. I guess we'll see. On another note, Nate and I had a great talk last night about his Bible study. It's so seldom he feels the freedom to talk to me of things of that nature, it was just nice to hear his perspectives on what they are studying and what he contributed to the study last week. Just the fact that he is going is a surprise to me, and I am so glad. I think it is really good for him, socially, and Spiritually. I hope it is a benefit to him. And with that, I really am going now!!!!

Out of the mouths of babes.....

Grace spilled a container of snacks the other day, all over my freshly vacuumed floor. To which I replied, "Oh, for crying out loud." George frowned and said "Mama, why did you say for crying out loud?" I told him that was just something people said when they were frustrated. To which George sagely said "Mama, you shouldn't be frustrated with people when they do naughty things, because you still love them." Lesson taken, thankyou Lord. Isn't it just interesting. (read: super convicting) when your children bring up to you the lessons you have taught them. It's one thing to teach your children that they can pray to Jesus to helpe them anytime, it's quite another to hear your 4 year old quip "Mama, I really think you need to stop and ask Jesus to help you." And he's not just repeating, he's paying attention to what I am doing, and concerned that I am practicing what I am preaching. And then when he makes deductions himself, apart from what I have taught him, and then asks questions that seem like the Holy Spirit is speaking right through him. I have said before it is an awesome responsibility to be the primary example to a child, but it's even harder to have them begin to apply what you are teaching them, and actively look for the same in your life.

George is a perfectionist. He so should have been born to a different mother, because I so am not. Yesterday morning I got the boys some juice and handed them their cups. George immediately cried out "Mama, oh no, you gave us the wrong cups!" I had switched them in my hands. I switched them back and said "No problem, sorry." George said incredulously "Why did you make that mistake, Mama?!?!?" I said "George, Mama makes mistakes all the time." To which George just sighed and shook his head, like "What am I going to do with you?" It was quite funny. ;P

I think the busy season is here already. I really do think it comes earlier every year. Part of it is Nathan's notoriously bad job of delegating, (why should he give a job to someone else that he can do better), and part of it is just the business's natural growth. He didn't get home til 8:30 on Wednesday. It's piling up already.

I've been doing this juice fast this week. Tuesday I started out. I have made carrot, celery, tomatoe, radish, cucumber, broccoli, cantolope, apple, parsley, lemon, orange, pineapple, strawberry, and banana juice. Not all together. I really thought I would feel more intense "detox" symptoms, but the worst of it was a stuffy nose, peeing ALL the time, a vague headache and bit of hunger. Shannon thought maybe there just weren't that many toxins in my body to get out. I think the good bread I eat does such a good job of that, that's why it wasn't worse. I don't know. Anyway, I did it for three days, all juice and lots of water, and no solid food. I felt really good yesterday. I felt pretty good the whole time. I will definitely do it again, and probably longer. Now that I know more about it. I want to make juicing a part of everyday, although I have to say I like the fruit juices more than the vegetable ones. I think carrot, celery, tomato, and apple is my favorite veggie one, and pinneaple, orange, lemon, strawberry is my favorite fruit one. That was absolutely awesome, and it made me feel so energized and wonderful. It was a whole pinneaple, 2 oranges, 2 lemons, and about 10 strawberries. Then I crushed up ice in the blender and blended it with the ice to make a smoothie. It was wonderful and made so much juice, it was great!!!

George has been doing great in school. I call it school, but it's only about 45 minutes a day in "Teach your child to read in 100 easy lessons" He doesn't like the writing as well, because he has to be quiet, but he does very well. We've been doing his writing in the afternoon, and the reading part at 8 in the morning, then he gets to watch Dragon Tales at 8:30 for a reward. That's his favorite show.

Krista told the Bible study last night that she is expecting. I am so happy for her, but I know the fear that early pregnancy can bring when you have had miscarriages in the past. She thinks she's about 7 or 8 weeks along. Someone said the other day that after Summer has her baby at church, the pregnant streak will be broken. At least one person has been pregnant, and usually mroe than one, the whole time we have been coming to Grace, which is over 2 years. 2 of those pregnancies were mine. Maybe Krista should start coming to out church. :)

I'd better run, I've got juice to make, I think I'll do orange, lemon, banana, strawberry. Yummy! :) I've got to get another pinneaple, that was so incredibly good. Have a happy weekend!!

I don't have time to blog, which is, of course, why I am doing it right now, haha. :P

How about bullets:

*Am I the only person who thinks Eeyore sounds a really lot like John Wayne?!?!?
*I haven't done Nattie's Friday Felicities in a long time, I guess this is Monday's Meanderings
*Nate got the lawn, both sides of the driveway cultivated, limed, seeded, fertilized, hayed and watered in the last three days.
*He just drove up the driveway
*I am making him spaghetti as we speak
*That last statement made no sense whatsoever!
*My friend Sarai, who was my roomemate for two years in college and one of my bridesmaids, is getting married in May, in Oregon
*I want to go to the wedding
*In less than two weeks, I am going on a fun trip, and I can't wait!
*Several friends of mine are expecting babies, and or children, and it's very exciting.
*I am starting a juice fast tommorow
*Nate is going to flip out when he sees how much I spent of veggies and fruit today
*I ate a nutty bar and Little Ceasar's pizza today.....healthy huh?
*My super wonderful husband mixed up and kneaded bread dough for me today and there are three loaves of it in my kitchen, which makes my heart at peace.
*He volunteered to do so, to my shock and delight
*He just came up behind me and kissed me, and when I looked at him I laughed out loud because he has a really big grease spot on his nose
*He spent the late afternoon and evening working on the junk car he bought last fall which is at his friends garage in Carrollton
*Ian went pee on the potty yesterday
*Grace put away her own pajamas all by herself this morning
*George wrote five rows of letters today and did a great job
*But we didn't do the actual reading lesson
*I got out my summer clothes and they are tight
*I have gained probably 10 lbs since November
*My husband doesn't like my gut
*but he still loves to see it uncovered
*Several people in the last week have asked my advice on things, and that just always surprises me, makes me feel inadequate, and honored and burdens me in a prayerful good way
*My kids ate Little Ceasars for supper while watching The Clifford movie on a blanket in the living room
*I got the new Country House catalog today. I want their "Always Kiss Me Goodnight" curtain and their swirly berry wallpaper
*I must go, supper is done for Nathan, and I want to go be with my man
*:)

How do you usually react to criticism of your parenting choices?... whether direct criticism aimed at you directly... or criticism of a philosophy that you use in your own parenting?...

This was the Swonderings at W@H this week.

I was really kind of sheepish about answering this because I don't think I do a very good job when this comes up. I try to listen to all the other person is saying, and somtetimes I have a hard time defending myself. Or, I defend myself as much as I can, and leave the conversation questioning my methods. There are some things that I KNOW are right and those I do not hesitate to defend, especially if I can do it with Scripture, but the other things, like just preferences, choices...I have a hard time with. I know this is because of one of the great flaws in my character, that I am far too dependent upon the opinions of others. At least while I am with them. I try very hard, and it does come pretty naturally to me otherwise, to accomodate other people and their opinions, sometimes to the detriment of my own position.

Recently a friend made a comment to me about something I did with my kids, that she was glad it worked for me, but she wanted more for her kids. Basically implying that I wasn't doing all I should for my children. It wasn't a Biblical issue, it was a choice, either of which of our opinions would be valid or right. I guess what it all boils down to is that you have to do what is right FOR YOUR FAMILY. The farther I get into motherhood, the more I realize that I know nothing. That I have no right to judge another's situation, or motives or actions, and I hope they do the same for me. I believe it is incumbent upon all of us to continually seek the Lord's opinion on matters, whether through clearly spelled out principles of Scripture, or seeking the Holy Spirit's leading. And then, with a clear conscience, we may say "I am just doing what I feel the Lord is leading me to do." And if that's not a good enough answer for the naysayers, then should I really be giving credence to their opinions anyway? I don't think so.

Oh the poignant sweet joys of motherhood. Just in the last few days I have been amazed by several really commonplace moments just meaning a lot to me. Times when I kind of get a "life flashing before me" kind of feeling, a tiny bit of Heavenly perspective and a rush of Heavenly love for my children. Just watching Grace take her first few steps, playing with toys, clapping her hands and grinning at me so hard her little twinkly eyes almost disappear is so sweet, it does my full heart good.

George read his first "story" this week: see me eat. He was so excited. It has been wonderful to have this small bit of schooling that we've been doing be such a connector for us. His personality is the farthest from mine and I struggle with really sharing a common bond with him sometimes, but every day this week, we've been doing "school" and he has LOVED it, and really been blossoming. I can tell he is so proud of himself and I think he can tell I am so proud of him. He still gets frustrated sometimes if he doesn't get something the first time, but I have really been trying to calmly show him it's okay to make mistakes-that's how we learn. This is a very hard concept for him, because he's such a thinker and a perfectionist, but he has come a long way. A huge leap for him was to write an entire row of "e"'s without talking!!! I gave him hugs and high fives and stickers for that. His writing I am not concerned with so much, but it really is incredible for him to go that long without talking, even to himself. I know it was hard for him, but he did it. Anyway, so seeing George learn, and being excited about learning, and trying hard has just been so incredibly rewarding for me.

We have fallen into a routine of school time for George (while Grace is napping) is puzzle time for Ian. He has just really gotten into puzzles and Nathan bought him some new ones, and Karen gave us some she had. He just keeps working at it until he has it, and he loves doing them. I was holding Ian on my lap after naptime the other day and I said "I love you", and he looked at me and smiled and said "Oh, Fanks, Mama." It was so precious.

I love that all of my children have such differant personalities and they all bless and stretch me in their own special ways. I finished reading "A Full Quiver" and am really leaning towards that mentality. Nathan does not share my feelings, but he is open to me sharing some of the book with him. I don't know what the future holds, or more accurately, what the Lord holds for our future, but I think I have a better appreciation now for just how incredible a blessing children are, and that they are not "mine" but just entrusted to me to love and train, with the Lord's help to be servants of Him. It is sacred trust, and one I take far too lightly and shortsightedly. I believe the Lord is growing the desire within for another child now, and it scares me, but it forces me to lean on the Lord even more, just as having more children will.

I am so surprised at an unusual turn in my homemaking attitude in one small aspect this week. I have fallen in love with ironing. Anyone who knows me is laughing right now, because I am notorious for leaving laundry sitting wrinkled for days at a time, stuffing things in drawers, and leaving the house looking like recycled tissue paper, BUT, I have cleared all the junk out my bedroom and I don't like the ironing board in there anymore, so instead of leaving it there for Nate to iron every morning if he needs to, I decided to iron all his work clothes before I hung them up, and after he takes them off at night and then put the ironing board away. I know this is like a no brainer for the really competant homemakers out there, and they are all gasping in horror now that I haven't been doing this all along. In my defence, my husband likes to iron, and prefered to do it himself for a long time. He doesn't care so much now. Well, anyway, yesterday I was ironing and it struck me that it was very unlike all the other jobs that I do in my day-to-day. I have to iron slowly, and methodically, unlike dishes, or laundry or diaper changing or bathroom cleaning, or sweeping or vacuuming or dusting or anything else I could think of that I usually get done as quickly as possible. And instead it was slow, and calm and peaceful. And I prayed for my husband as I was ironing his clothes, that when he wore them he would know the presence and guidance of the Lord, that he would acknowledge Him in all his ways, and that he would remember what he has been called to and remain faithful to it. It was a good opportunity, a great visual reminder to me, which is what I need so often. I am thankful for the chance to do it.