Two days ago, a miracle happened in my house. In a quiet room, all by himself, my little 4 year old son told Jesus he was sorry for his sins, that he knew he needed to be saved, and nobody else could save him and asked Jesus to save him and let him go to Heaven someday. Then he ran out and said "Mama, I asked Jesus to save me from my sins and I really think He answered my prayer!"

We had been talking about things for quite some time, as George has been learning different verses in Cubbies and at home and has over the past few months begun to understand the reality of the gospel. Last Friday night I think was the first time he fully understood that Jesus was the only way to Heaven, that only Jesus could have paid the punishment for his and my and everyone else's sins, and that no one else could ask Jesus to save him, but him. He knew about Hell, and seperation from God, and that if you don't accept God's present to us of His Son taking the punishment for our sins, then we would go to Hell. This was a subject that I had steered clear of, frankly just because I didn't really know what to tell him exactly, and didn't really think he was ready for it all, but a 5 year old friend told him all about it on Friday, and expounded quite efficiently on Jesus' sacrifice for us. This had spurred George on to ask a lot of questions and he had even said that night that he wanted to ask Jesus to save him, but he didn't know how. This is the boy who usually prays the same stock prayer, be it at a meal, bedtime, or whenever. So, that night I had told him what he could say, but he was still reluctant. I had been very careful to just present the facts and stress that it was his decision. I didn't want him praying a prayer or "making a decision" simply because he thought I wanted him to. I could tell that night that he was struggling with it, and wanted to ask Jesus to save him, but wasn't quite ready. He wanted me to do it for him, or Daddy. I explained that only he could do it, it was a choice everyone has to make for themselves. I didn't say anymore about it, but just prayed.

Then on Monday afternoon, when he got up from his nap, he greeted me with those precious words. We talked then and I asked him some questions to try to make sure that he understood. He was very excited and of course, so was I after I did believe that his understanding and decision were genuine. We prayed together and thanked God for sending his son and Jesus for saving him. I told him that God had just written his name in the book of life, (we had read that passage from Revelation a few days ago) and that the angels were so happy and having a party because they were so excited that he was a Christian now and that he would be in Heaven someday.

Yesterday we went to the Bible bookstore to try to find a good children's Bible. I found some good ones for children, but the translations looked pretty out there. George had been trying to follow the pastor's chapter and verses in church on Sunday with the pew Bible, saying that his Bible didn't have numbers. He asked if he could take that Bible home because he really needed one with real numbers in it. I finally found one online that I will order for him. It's called the Children's Rainbow Bible. It's got lots of beautiful illustrations and charts as well as a children's dictionary in it, and it is a real Bible, not just a collection of paraphrased stories. George is very excited to get it in the mail.

It all seems sort of unreal to me. I didn't really think that at this point in my child's life, he would be ready to make this, the most important of decisions. It thrills my soul, and at the same time adds a whole new realm of responsibility to my parenting. In a way, though, it also brought a sad realization to light.

After George and I had talked and prayed, we called Grammy in Maine and George excitedly told her his news. She started crying happy tears and asked him some questions and they talked for awhile. Then he called Grandma and there were more happy talks. Then we called Daddy. George talked first, told him his news and there was a short pause on George's end while Nate replied. Then George said "Daddy, it is cool!" Then nothing. George waited a minute or so and then said "Okay I love you, bye-bye." Then handed the phone to me. Well, he tried, but Ian grabbed the phone and babbled for a few seconds and then said Bye and handed the phone to me. When I got Nate on the phone he sounded as deadpan and irritated as ever when I call him at work and shortly said "Okay, I've got to go, I'll see you later." He got home about 20 minutes before the kids went to bed and after the children were in bed I asked him if he was excited about George's news. He shrugged his shoulders and said "I don't know" When I questioned him further he said he wondered if George really understood. I told him all I had asked George and that he had told me and the fact that he had prayed, all by himself, not at anyone's prompting, and that I really thought it was genuine. He just nodded and said "Well, good" and then got on the computer.

Perhaps he just reacts to things differently than I do. I know that he does. But it really did just dismay me to see his lack of excitement or even apparent interest in the immortal soul of his child. I so often don't have any idea what is going on in his head, and this is one of those times I would really give a lot to be able to know exactly what he's thinking. Maybe I'm making too much out of him not making much of it. Maybe there is a lesson to be learned here for me, but it just seems to scream to me what I already know at the periphery of my attention. Spiritual things don't seem to matter to him. And again, I should not be expecting him to react or to act like I do. It just disheartens me, and reemphasizes to me that I am on my own, or rather, that I am only to rely on my Heavenly Father in the spiritual leading and teaching of our children. And isn't that what we are all to do?

I've spent a lot of time in prayer this morning, thanking God for George's understanding and asking for His help in guiding and being an example to my baby, who is now a baby Christian. I know He cares for George and me and my family even more than I do, and I take a lot of comfort in that fact and in the ever present availability of His strength.

If you are reading this, please scroll down first and read about Nate's dream, I think it's beautiful.

I just read Misty's blog and I think she tagged me!! I don't really know what this means, but I think I have to answer the questions she just answered, so here goes"

Four jobs you’ve had in your life:

Waitress
House painter
Library worker, (but, I liked to call myself "Goddess of the Books")
Medical secretary

Four movies you would watch over and over:

Star Wars, any of the original three
Wizard of Oz
Princess Bride
Star Trek VI

Four places you have lived:

Willimantic, ME
Colorado Springs, CO
Pensacola, FL
Newnan, GA

Four TV shows you love to watch:

Um, I don't really watch TV now, but I used to like....

Star Trek
Friends
Andy Griffith
Mister Rogers :)

Four websites you visit daily:

I don't visit any websites daily anymore, but when I do, it's..

Misty's blog
My blog
Karen Isherwood's blog
W@H

Four of your favorite foods:

My mother's pizza
My father's cinnamon rolls
My bread
Anything chocolate

Four places you would rather be right now:

I love being home, but as long as we're imagining...

Climbing Borestone Mtn.
Canoeing Greenwood Pond
Laying on the beach in Pensacola
Sitting in front of a fire in a cabin with just my husband

Four bloggers you are tagging:

Um, I don't even think four bloggers read my blog, but...

Cheri
Nattie
Dana
Stephanie

Heaven

Nathan had a dream the other night. He dreamt that he was being chased by a terrible monster, and the monster caught him. Then, he realized that his body was done for, so he left, he just floated up, and as soon as he was out of sight of his body, he realized how blue the sky was and how bright the sun was. He could see the earth beneath him, green and beautiful, and growing smaller as he floated higher and higher. Then, he looked up. He saw the bottom of the clouds, golden and full of light, and realized that Heaven was just beyond. Then, he woke up. He said nothing specific woke him up, he said it was almost as if God said "Nope, you can't see any further just yet..."

After he told me about his dream he said "What if that's what it's like? You don't really die at all, you just go on living without your body. It was as if the earth was a great weight tied to my feet, and as soon as I was free from it, it was amazing. I think that's how it will be."

This morning in church we sang one of my favorite songs, "Be Thou My Vision." The last verse says "...High King of heaven, my victory won, May I reach heaven's joys, O bright heav'ns Son! Heart of my own heart, whatever befall, Still be my vision, O ruler of all." Nate's voice caught and his eyes filled with tears. Then he looked meaningfully at George, sitting between us. George is coming very close to realizing the truth of the Gospel. He's been asking lots of questions lately, and he and Nate talked about it at bedtime for a long time the other night. It makes Heaven more of a reality, I think, to imagine being there with your children.

This is the picture I put with the New Year's letter. 

I wanted to do black and white pictures of the kids again, since my sil had framed some of them this time last year. I love this wise, mischeivous look on George's face. 

Here was us at the church Christmas dinner. 

Ian's smiley face...:) 

Here is the of sassy Gracie. I love the dimples. 

You know, it could probably be filled under "really pretty shabby things to do" to have a beautiful wonderful Christmas holiday, two glorious weeks of having Nate around all the time, wonderful memory making times in the beautiful snow of Maine and then never even give it a passing mention in blogworld. I do have a reason for my delay. (And it is just a delay, not an omission.) I stupidly forgot my digital camera in Maine, and I wanted to ship the cable to my mother for her to download the pictures onto her computer before she shipped it back to me just in case of some weird scanning device at a post office somewhere erasing all the pictures. And, I wanted to post pictures, a lot of them, to go with my words about being in Maine, seeing all of my crazy family, etc. However, I will do what I did last year and cut and paste my New Year's letter in here, though, just for posterity. Here it is:

Happy New Year! I'm sure everyone was inundated with glittering, beautiful Christmas cards before the New Year, and well, I just didn't want you to have to cruise over our news amidst the flood of holiday greetings, so I opted to do a New Year's letter instead. (Not to mention that I totally ran out of time to do Christmas cards.....)

2005 was a growing and wonderful year for our family. Nate's busy season at work started with a bang in the spring. His responsibilities and scope of commitments seem to grow every year, as well as his ability to handle it all expertly. His faithfulness to what the Lord has called him to in his job is exceptional.

It would take up this whole letter to put down all the ways the Lord orchestrated our move this summer, but suffice it to say that it was all His leading and provision that blessed us with a beautiful new home right next door to Nate's family, and also provided renters from our church for our little house in Whitesburg. We have so enjoyed living right next to "Grandpa and Grandma", as well as Caleb and Ross. They are a continual blessing to us.

In July, we celebrated Ian's 2nd birthday and at the end of the month there was a trip up to Maine for Grace and Charity to celebrate my parent's 30th wedding anniversary. We surprised them with the party and with our visit. It was wonderful to be able to see everyone and to show some small appreciation for the incredible blessing of my parents and their love for each other and our family.

In August we had a wonderful time when my parents came down to Georgia. We also celebrated our sixth wedding anniversary by leaving all the kids with "Grammy and Grampy" and going to spend a night in a little cabin in Pine Mountain. It was the first time we had gone away without having children with us or having any on the way. It was great to be able to have that time alone to reflect on how far the Lord has brought us, through struggles and joys to draw us closer to each other.

This fall I had the privilege to help my dear friend Amy in the birth of their 4th precious baby boy. It was truly an amazing experience. We also added to our family, with the adoption of our sweet beagle, Boscoe. Fall also brought several trips as a family. In September we spent the weekend at a cabin in North Georgia, and at the beginning of November we trekked down to Orlando for the National Pool and Spa convention. We spent a night at Hilton Head island on the way down, compliments of another timeshare tour free hotel stay. We decided that November is definitely the time to go to Florida, the weather was beautiful and it was off-season, so our rental house for the week was a great deal. Nate even finagled us discount tickets to DisneyWorld. That was a wonderful and truly magical day, we all had so much fun and made some great memories. As much as Mickey Mouse impressed us, though, we all enjoyed just being together as a whole family infinitely more. During the busy spring and summer, Nate has to be away from home so much, it is always great to be able to just be together as a family in the fall and winter.At the end of November, Nate's brother Scott, wife Mandi, and beautiful daughter Lily came to stay with us for a week and we celebrated Thanksgiving and had an early Christmas with the Buchan clan. It was a wonderful time together, made even more exciting by the announcement of another baby on the way for Scott and Mandi.

Of course, December was a very busy month, with Grace's 1st birthday, Christmas parties and everything here, and then packing up and driving to Maine, where we celebrated George's 4th birthday, Christmas and had a wonderful time with the Buchanan clan and all the relatives and dear friends up there. We had Christmas dinner in the new Buchanan camp on Greenwood Pond. The kids, (okay, and Nate and I too) had a great time playing in the snow. It was so beautiful up there, with the crystal snow sparkling in the sun and the cold air making our breath steam. George was especially impressed with this, and declared himself a dragon the first time he noticed it. On our trip back, Nate decided to do a grand cities tour and drove through Boston, New York, Providence and Philadelphia, where we were even in time for a tour of Independence Hall and got to see the Liberty Bell. It was a wonderful trip, and though we were sad to leave family and friends, we were very glad to be back in our home here in Georgia. Now for my favorite part of the letter, where I talk about my beautiful children...

It's hard to believe that I am 4 years into this great adventure called motherhood, and my little George is now a little man. George is a very methodical little boy and likes to do things the same way. Even his prayers are usually the same. "Dear Jesus, thankyou for our food, keep Daddy safe, keep everything away, and please help Jesus to put a shell outside., Amen." We're not sure what the shell is about, but it brings a smile to our faces every time we hear his repetitive but earnest supplications. George has greatly enjoyed being an Awana Cubbie this year, and remembers about every verse he has learned thus far. Sometimes I have a hard time keeping up with his thirst for knowledge and wish I could have more time just teaching him. But, he fills the role of big brother wonderfully. He is a great help to me, and enjoys being almost another parent to his two little siblings. He adores his "sister-baby" Grace and loves helping to take care of her, and he and Ian are inseparable playmates and best friends.

Ian is still a smiling whirlwind of laughing, climbing, running wild fun. It has been fun to see his verbal development in the last year as he has moved beyond just repeating George's phrases to coming up with thoughts and words of his own. He is still George's copycat, though, and it is so cute to see them together, and hear Ian's version of whatever "grown-up" speech George has just given. Ian remains as affectionate as ever, and will sometimes even stop a tantrum to fulfill a request for a kiss. He loves to do puzzles and draw and read books, although he still has a hard time sitting still through a whole story.

Grace is becoming more of a precocious toddler everyday, instead of a cuddly baby. She has six teeth, which she will show off to you in a huge grin if you smile at her. She has no interest in walking yet, but prefers to climb everything in sight instead. If there is music on she will be dancing, and she loves to look at books and to draw every chance she gets. She is funny and sweet and just has a look in her eye that makes you think there is a whole lot more going on in her fuzzy blonde little head than meets the eye. I can't believe it has been over a year since she was born, our surprise baby, but a very welcome surprise for sure.

I am still greatly enjoying and learning from my ladies Bible study and also helping in Awana on Wednesdays. As always, I am striving towards being a better wife and mother, even though at times, the journey seems more filled with steps backwards than forwards. Amidst it all, though, there is a peace that comes from knowing I am doing exactly what the Lord has called me to. I thank God that I have been given the opportunity and honor to be home and to make my home a refuge for my hardworking husband, and to see all my children's moments, to be the one they run to, the one they talk to first. Nothing else gives me more joy and peace. I hope you also know the joy and peace that comes from knowing the Lord and following His leading. Nothing else can compare to it. You are all in our hearts and in our prayers.
Love, Nathan, Charity, George, Ian and Grace

So, there it is. I was trying to put in the picture that I put at the end of the letter, but I will probably just end up Hello-ing it after this.

I have been so incredibly tired and worn down lately. I think I need to do a real detox in my diet, I know I just have never recovered from eating sugar all the time over Christmas. And, I think I may be on the road to weaning little Gracie. :( She hardly ever wants to nurse anymore, and when she does, she doesn't bite, but just the way her teeth are now just cut into me so bad, I have four perfect little teethmarks on my nipples for about an hour after she nurses. Yowch!! That's anything but pleasant, and of course just makes me want to wean her, even though I really had planned on nursing her longer. The boys both lost interest in nursing at about 13 months, too, but I thought that had more to do with me being pregnant. And I am not pregnant right now!! In fact, I feel pms-y and am having ovarian pain and all kind of weirdness, but again, I think it's just diet crappyness.

I did something I have never done before last night. I had had another in a succession of exhausting, (physically and emotionally) days, and I just wanted to leave. So, I did. I called my mother in law at about 4:45 in the afternoon and asked her if she could take the kids until Nathan got home. She was very happy to and told me to bring them right over. And then, I left. I drove around by myself, I went to Hastings and bought a book, I went to Goodwill and took a really long time looking closely at breakable things, and just enjoyed the sound of silence. It was amazing. I resisted the sudden urge to buy a pack of cigarettes and smoke them all slowly. (I don't know where that came from, except some small vestige of that being equated with stress relief.) I went to a Chinese buffet restaurant and ate dinner and read my book all by myself, then I went to several more stores and easily went from car to store and looked at whatever I wanted to, for however long I wanted to, all by myself. I went to Target and bought a shirt with the word "Simplify" on the front of it. I thought it was perfect. I got home at about 9:30, to my sympathetic husband's arms. It was a truly unique experience. Nathan says I should do it more often.

Today, I made it my sole objective to hang out with my kids, and that is what we did. We watched movies together, played together, read a lot of books, had some good talks, memorized some verses, ate very simple to prepare and pretty nutritionless food together, and just generally got along. You know, if I could just make that my sole objective every day, I wouldn't get so overwhelmed. I wouldn't be so stressed out. I wouldn't wake up in the morning and have to fight off angry tears thinking of all I will battle that day. I think something drastic has to change, has to give in my parenting, my attitude, or something. I just don't feel like things are working out very well. I feel very conflicted. On the one hand, I feel increasingly deeply the need for me to be an efficient homemaker, maintaining a clean, well-ordered home with chores done systematically, errands run efficiently and with minimal cost, and children's health and well-being cared for. On the other hand, are days like today. When I don't worry about any of that, and just play with and love on my kids and end up with a dirty, cluttered, unkept house with no meals prepared, no necessary errands run, no plans made or carried out, which of course is unstustainable on a long term basis anyway. My problem is, I don't know how to find the balance and struggling between these two is wearing me out. I think I strive too much towards the first, but I come so far from ever attaining it, I feel an immense sense of failure all the time. I wonder how on earth other women do it, and wonder what I am lacking that I cannot even come close. Anyway, these are the things I am struggling with. Not so much in an angry, tense stressed out sort of way. I am kind of beyond that. It's more like in a quiet, resigned, on the edge of shutdown kind of a way. I left last night because if I had stayed with my children, in my home, any longer, I would have just curled up on the floor and cried, or at least that's what I was feeling. Maybe the Lord is just bringing my weakness before my eyes more clearly so that I will cry out to Him for His strength. That is certainly what I need.

Happy New Year!! I don't have much time to write, but I just finished cleaning the kitchen and have a few minutes until the laundry gets done, so I will take advantage of it. Oh, I have so very much to say, so very many subjects to write about, and I don't even know where to start. Instead of going chronologically, though, I think I will just start backward and write what went on today. I will fill in the holiday gaps later.

This morning Esther and I went out to the dairy in Alabama, about a 2 hour trek, and got milk and butter and cheese, (Misty, if you're reading this, I have some for you if you want it, non-frozen...) went to the discount grocery and got organic cereal and juice and to Kroger to get some other fill-ins. Yesterday I went to Wal-mart and got a good bit of groceries, diapers, shampoo, etc. with the giftcards we were given for Christmas. That was a nice present. Very useful.

Nate and I had a talk last night about spending money, and being more organized to the extent that it would allow me to save more money. I had already been thinking about what I needed to do to make some drastic changes in my schedule and daily routines to get more organized and plan better. Menu planning, doing certain housecleaning tasks on certain days, and things like that. So that is what I am pursuing right now, really trying to get more organized, be better prepared, prioritized and hopefully peaceful. I think his only concern is that I spend his money as wisely as possible, but if I accomplish my goals, I think they will accomplish his as well. Really, part of being a submissive wife is specifically submitting to what your husband prefers, and with Nathan, I have always known that money is a huge deal, in some cases, the only deal he sees. My use of it needs to be above reproach and consistently prudent. I do want to save money as much as possible, but I would really just like to make our home life more organized and peaceful. I would like to get to the place where I am making bread on a certain day of the week, doing laundry at certain times, running errands other times. I want to get into a routine that allows me to accomplish all of what I need to as a matter of course and then the needful things won't get pushed aside by other things.

Well, the boys just got up, I must go. Maybe I won't be able to sleep sometime this week and I will be able to catch up on blogging. I seem to do the most of it then, late at night. Oh well!!!

Someone left a long comment on my blog the other day. They said that they thought I was living in "sacrificial martyrdom", and that I had doomed myself to a "life of penance." They said that God meant to prosper me outside of my roles as "mommy and wife." They wrote that I needed balance and that I deserved fulfillment and pleasure. The person who wrote this was obviously not interested in a civil dialogue, since they did not even have the decency to leave their name.

When I first read this, I was just too shocked to know how to respond. I was dumbfounded as to how anyone could infer from my posts that I was living a life of drudgery and "sacrificial martyrdom." Then I was afraid that somehow I had so misrepresented myself and my circumstances that I was giving a vastly distorted view of my life. But I do not think that is the case. The only thing I could conclude was that this person had a very different view on life than I did.

The commenter wrote that "God has never called you to sacrifice all that you have and all that you are for your husband and kids." Perhaps they have never known the adoring gaze of a child, the absolute pleasure and fulfillment that comes from honoring and loving the man you were made for. Maybe they don't understand how it feels to know that you are in the center of God's will when you are caring for and loving your family, and experience a level of joy and peace that never could be achieved in the pursuit of "pleasure and fulfillment" outside of the relationships and circumstances that God has graciously appointed to be foremost. My son Ian runs up to me about 20 times a day and says "C'ive a hug, Mama?" and then he giggles and squeezes his little arms around my neck and says "Kith, Mama?" and gives me sloppy kisses. I don't feel like this is a sacrifice in any way. To watch my little girl's eyes light up when she sees me, and know she knows her Mama is always there for her, moments like that don't feel like martyrdom. When George and I can sustain conversations throughout the day, and talk about angels, and sleeping, and Buzz Lightyear, and shell collections, and why Jesus put stars in the sky, and why we love each other, and what we're giving Grampy for Christmas, and a million other things that he only confides in me; I don't feel like I am missing out on anything. Quite on the contrary, I thank the Lord that I can be there for him so I don't have to miss out on any of that. Right before Nathan fell asleep the other night, he turned and looked at me with sleepy, adoring eyes and said "Goodnight, Sweetie. Thankyou for all you do, I love you." and then he wrapped his arms around me and fell asleep with a smile on his face. Am I sacrificing all that I have and all that I am? I don't think so. I thank God that I can give all that I have and all that I am to my family. The sacrifice would be if I had to be in another role, pursuing other things.

Those times when I do seek to get beyond the responsibilities that God has given, when I try to give myself to endeavors or situations or attitudes that are not Biblical, or that are just not what I know to be God's best for my life, those are the times when I am sacrificing. I am giving up time and affections and attentions to things that do not matter, that are not what I have been called to, and that will not yield me any real pleasure or satisfaction.

To whomever left the comment, I am sorry if you have gotten any kind of wrong impression, and I hope you see now that I live a life of glorious satisfaction. When I am true to what God has given me, and seeking to honor Him with the choices that I make, then no other thing could give me more joy and peace. I hope you know that joy and peace, too.

Please feel free to email me if you decide you would like to have a real conversation.

I'm trying to find a Christmas present for Nathan. His mother and I were talking the other night and I told her I was having a hard time this year finding a present worthy of my darling person. Her advice was that we should just not bother to get gifts for one another. I love that woman dearly, but once in awhile, I believe she could use a good spanking. I told her that I didn't think I could bear to not give Nathan something for Christmas. Growing up, we never had much money, usually close to none at all, but it was always a big deal that we give gifts to one another. Not expensive things, not fancy things, but gifts, physical representations of how much we love one another, and especially at Christmastime, to represent God's gift of His Son to us. And really, to be honest, I still cherish a hope that one day I will give Nathan something, and just see in his eyes that it is just what his heart desired and it will make him so happy. I think the first Christmas we were married I came the closest to that. Maybe this year. :) He is a hard person to buy for, because he doesn't have many hobbies, he is extremely thrifty, and so he despises frivolous money use. He doesn't have time for much. And then of course there is the fact that I don't want to settle for just something he "needs" or that would be good for him. I want to make his eyes light up.

It's 2 o'clock in the morning. Nathan made some 1/3 caffeinated coffee this evening, and I thought it would do me no harm, but 2 big mugfulls I suppose have rendered me squarely in the night owl camp tonight. I am still hobbling around on this ugly sprained ankle, although I can pretty much walk on it normally now without wincing. I was up and putting laundry away this evening and carrying children, and it was just fine. It gets to throbbing after awhile on it, and then I duct tape a bag of ice to it over my well worn ace bandage, but besides that, it is surely on the mend. It is extremely frustrating not to be able to get up and do what I need to be doing. Nathan was such a dear and stayed home from work on Monday to help. I suppose that I should chronicle that it was Sunday afternoon that I did that actual spraining. Actually, I don't think it's even really a sprain, probably more of a strain. It's swelled up so you can't even make out my ankle now and turning a pretty shade of purpley blue, but it feels much better now that when it was barely swelled and only a little yellowed. Anyway, chalk one up to clumsiness I suppose.

I don't know if it just the Lord's providence or if anything has changed, but the growing stress and frustration that I had been feeling over my mothering and my children seem to have dissipated. It's like an evil veil has been lifted from my eyes and I can see clearly now their preciousness, their sweetness, their unique liveliness, and the incredible blessing of my being their mother. Nothing on earth could hold a tighter grip on my heart than my family, and short of the intertwining of souls that I have with my Nathan, I hold nothing dearer than my little blessings. I don't know what it was exactly, but for a while there, it seemed as if a blight on my spirit were tainting my behaviour towards my children. I was not patient, I was not kind, I kept records of wrong, I was not loving them as I should, and it makes me ache to think of the words that I spoke, the actions that I took, and the attitude that I maintained. It was sinful. I know I can never get back that time that I wasted and I do not know how many precious minutes the Lord will grant for me to have an influence over George, Ian and Grace. Their lives are mine for the shaping, and God forgive me if I have marred their little forms. I think, no I know, that much of the time that I have spent online I should have been spending investing in my family. I love dearly the women that I have been blessed to come in contact with through the internet, but I must choose what is best, not just what may be good. My prayers will still cover them, and when I do truly have time, I will rejoice to look in on the home that I made online, but I must face the fact that I am much incapable of maintianing dual focuses, and I must be true to what God has called me to first of all. I have never been one to seriously make New Year's resolutions, but I think a renewed spirit of Biblical parenting is always in order, and I feel like a fresh start is being offered to me in this respect. I cannot change the past, I cannot take back harsh words, rough touches, and lost chances to love as I should have. The devil would have me dwell on my shortcomings, and lose sight of what the Lord edges me and the Holy Spirit whispers encouragement towards: the path of righteousness. I have before me the supreme opportunity. You know you hear people ask What would you do if you had a million dollars? Well, potentially, I have a much more costly and relevant possession. I have a million minutes. Lord willing, I have the future, I have my children's future, my marriage's future, my family's future, and how I spend that matters so much more than any amount of dollars and cents. Being a good steward of my time, of my thoughts, of my love, is of infinitely more value than my being a good steward of anything else. And those things have been spoken for. They do not belong to me. They are my Lord's, they are my husband's, and they are my children, in that order. I pray that the Lord would continue to encourage my shaky efforts at this most worthy of endeavors.

Oh my, it has been so incredibly long since I have blogged and blogged faithfully, and I fear that this will only be a short remission. We had thanksgiving, we had Christmas..(well the Buchan family Christmas anyway) and now I am getting ready for the real Christmas. We've all been very sick, back and forth, although I believe I may now confidently say that we are on the upside of it all.

Having been forced to take a break from being online made me wonder how I had time to be online so much before. I really can get so consumed by it all, checking in at w@h, and chatting and emailing and blogging and all, but really, should I be spending that kind of time "away" from my home and family? This is a question I don't really know the answer to, but I feel inclined towards answering "..mmm, not so much." I find it always a struggle to keep up with housework and childcare and teaching and loving on my dear children, should I really be taking time for myself? On the one hand, I believe the case could be made that I am learning, networking, praying more and being blessed by interacting with my friends online. But, the case could also be made for my being neglectful of my first charge: to care for my home and family. Perhaps striking a balance between the two is needed, or better yet, becoming proficient and efficient enough to be able to adequately accomplish both. My question is....how do all those other women do it?!?!?!? Please, if you are reading this. let me know.

My "blogerversary" came and went. It had been a year in November since I started blogging. I fully intended to go back and reread all I had written, and make some sage (haha) reflections on how much I have learned in the last year, but like so many of my goals, it fell by the wayside in favor of just getting through the day to day things. I know last year at this time I was very great with child and impatiently awaiting his (I really thought it was going to be a boy!) arrival. Which of course makes me reflect on the preciousness of my baby girl and what she means. The time directly before her conception was the rockiest bit of my marriage, and our relationship was poised on the edge of a knife. I could have left forever, it could have been over. Instead, the Lord brought healing, and hope and love and a baby. Grace was conceived (unintentionally on our parts!) on our recommitment to each other and to the Lord in our marriage. Isn't the Lord good? Every time I look at her, I feel a little twinge in the back of my heart, just to think of all she represents.

Now we are getting ready for a baby girl 1st birthday party, and a big brother 4th birthday party, and loving on poor summer-baby, middle child Ian all the time. Speaking of Ian, Nathan and I have started to become a bit concerned with his development. The vacancy in his sweet eyes that always shine so bright has not been replaced with the curious, learning mindset that maybe it should be, and if I were to be honest, I would have to say that it is starting to make me wonder if perhaps the Lord didn't make him a bit slow. I don't know anything for sure yet, and perhaps this is all just foolishness, (which I hope), but several things have seemed to start adding up to make us think perhaps he will be slightly special, or at least a bit delayed. My main concern is that we are trying to hold him accountable for things that he doesn't really have the capacity to do, and I don't want to be needlessly correcting him. We are praying about whether or not we should try to have him tested in some way, or just wait and see.

I have a few Christmas presents still to buy, for my dad and my grandfather, and I need to finish up several projects for people for presents. I still don't have much for Nathan for Christmas. I really would love to get him an ipod, but they are so expensive!!! I have George done, birthday and Christmas, and something for Grace's birthday, but nothing for Ian or Grace for Christmas yet.

Well, Esther and Jer are coming over for pizza, hot tub, and Cranium tonight, so I should get a little housework done while I can. I really will try to be better about blogging while I can, before we make the long trek north for Christmas. I am so excited to be in Maine for Christmas. The drive, I could do without, but that's okay.

I am back and finally taking time to blog. We took our big vacation, driving to Hilton Head Island Saturday and leaving Sunday to drive to Orlando. The boys enjoyed the beach at Hilton Head very much, and I got some cute pictures. The drive was only slightly miserable. We were very happy to get to our little "villa" in Davenport, actually about 3o minutes outside of Orlando. The house was very convenient, with plenty of space for everyone and it was nice. We swam in the pool the first day we were there, and then discovered that the previous renters must have had the pool heat turned on, because it turned very cool after that day. Nate went to his convention Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. Thursday he took the boys ticket hunting and they drove around and talked to differant discount places until they found one that would give very discounted tickets to your choice of theme parks if you went on their timeshare tour. So, we did that on Thursday and smiled and nodded and said no thankyou very much, and walked away with three tickets to the Magic Kingdom for $70. Thursday night we went to a little amusement park called "Old Town" where Nate had gotten a coupon for a free ferris wheel ride for. It was fun, we did go on the ferris wheel, and walked around and looked at all the cute little shops, got ice cream and went on a merry go round, and Nate took George on go-carts, which they both loved. Ian and Grace and I cheered them on and took pictures as they whizzed by. I'm not sure which one was having more fun. :) Friday morning we packed up the kiddos and headed to Disney World. Let me just say a very deserved thankyou very much to Misty for insisting that we go. I had an entirely differant idea of how it would be in my head, and she was right, it was magical. I know George will talk about it forever. We went on lots of rides, looked at the beautiful surroundings and had one of the best days our family has ever enjoyed. It really is a wonderful place. We stayed all day, until the fireworks, and let me say, I think only Gandalf could have put on a better fireworks show. It was awesome. The kids did great, it wasn't very crowded, the weather was perfect, and I hope we get to go back again someday. Saturday we went to a breakfast buffet and then to the flea market and bought $2 Florida t-shirts. Sunday we left, and the drive home was slightly more miserable. But, we are agreed now that before we drive to Maine in December, we are buying a DVD player and window shades for the van. All in all, it was a wonderful vacation. We got to spend even more time together as a family than we have in, well, I can't even remember. I really hope we can take a vacation that long together every year. Nate grew a beard, which he looks absolutely delicious in, although he did trim it too short before he went back to work. I guess he's right, it does look more professional trimmed up, but doesn't looking like a sexy mountain man for your wife outweigh that?!? :P I had written before that I was struggling with my attitude about the vacation, and I have to give glory to God that He really did preserve a right attitude in me and through His strength to be patient and striving to be more self-less, it was a wonderful time.

Now, it's back to real life and oh my, houseguests for a week and a half are coming a week from Monday and I have meal planning and Thanksgiving shopping and planning to do, and Christmas presents to buy for the Buchan family Christmas, which will be right after Thanksgiving, and TON of deep cleaning, organizing, decorating, and shopping to do to get all of that accomplished. Then after that is all done, I will start getting ready, shopping, organizing for our trip to Maine. I love the holidays, and I am so excited for the season. I could be feeling overwhelmed right now, I mean, I have a hard time keeping my head above water when there is nothing extra going on, but I am going to focus on the positives, try to stay as organized and plan ahead as much as I can, and I refuse to stress out about what I cannot get done. I plan on asking for specific help from Nathan and my mother in law, and of course, the Creator of peace, my Lord. Peace, that is what I crave, and this time of year, it seems so scarce and yet needed so much more than at any other time. Perhaps I just need to change my definition of peace, and concede that it must have to happen amidst chaos, or not at all, because those are the terms around here. :) I am not doing a Christmas letter, I am going to wait until after Christmas and do a New Years letter with a picture of our family from Christmas, so that is one thing off my plate, or at least moved to a differant one. ****I had to take a break and change two very poopy diapers and help George put his costume on.****None of the kids did end up taking a nap after we got back here at about 3ish. We went to four differant thrift and consignment stores this morning trying to find a winter coat for Joel before we went to have lunch with the Calkins today. We also stopped in to see Daddy for a minute, much to the delight of all the kids, and myself, of course. He's got three people he's interviewing this afternoon that hopefully will help the master restructuring at Brown's that Nathan has in mind. We'll see. Okay, I must go, miles to go before I sleep and all that, haha. :P

Baby, it's cold outside.......well, almost, LOL. For this wimped out ex-northerner it feels cold, and I am loving it!!Now I just have to get my winter coat out of the basement of the other house and I'll be all set. I went to Suzanne's Southern Living at home party tonight. It was fun and her house is soooo beautiful. She is one of those uber talented decorating people with the smarts and funds to make things look great. I can only imagine. I totally surprised myself and actually booked a party for the spring. I never thought I would host a Southern Living party, they just seem way too posh and high class for little backwoodsy me and my stained carpet, poorly decorated house, but I did it! I recruited the help of some of my more posh and high class friends to help me, though. I told Nate it would just be a dream come true to have new flooring by then. He said dream on, LOL. Even if we had the money, he wouldn't have the time to do it. Okay, after all the fluff and yummy food at Suzanne's would you believe I am gorging myself on chocolate kisses right now?!?!? duh..... I think I have finally stopped my slow after baby weight loss and if I want to change my size any now, I will actually have to get off my butt and work for it. I bought some jeans at the consignment store a few weeks ago, and they fit so well, I bought some more of the same brand on ebay last week. I bought a smaller size, thinking that I would hopefully fit into them in a month or so and they would be my inspiration, but they fit me fine now. Oh well. I also bought some jeans at Goodwill. Now, lest I seem extremely frivolous here, I have to put that I spend a grand total of about $9.50 on all three pair. And my other jeans were getting a bit baggy.

I got a lot done today. Our bedroom had just been swamped with clothes, our winter things I had gotten out, about three loads of clean laundry and two dirty and of course, Nate's ever growing pile. (which his socks don't usually end up in, but instead I find them under the computer desk, beside the lazyboy, under the kitchen table, etc...:P) But today, I went through everything and sorted, folded, put away, washed, dried, and the whole cycle again to it all. I even organized Grace's stuff and our closet, which was getting to be a total wreck. I got the living room, kitchen and boys room cleaned too. Now, getting all of that done should make me feel really productive and useful and like I had accomplished something successful, right? But instead, on days like today, I usually just end up feeling emotionally wrung out because I basically have to ignore and not play with or read to or even interact much with my children all day. I can not do both. With the ages and stages that my kids are at, I usually have to choose to either be with them, or get things done. It is almost impossible to do both. Do you see why I am stressed out and frustrated most of the time? Now usually, I choose to be with my children, but just even meeting their physical needs, diapering, changing, feeding, bathing, caring for them in that way takes us most of my time, let alone any real, bonding interaction. I think I keep waiting for it to get easier, and it only gets harder.

Ian and I had a battle at lunch time today. I sat him down with a plate of cut up cucumbers with dip on them, which he has loved in the past, and he just started screaming. It was obvious that he did not want them. After talking calmy to him and trying to get him to do the same (haha) I just picked him up and put him in his bed. When he stopped howling, I took him out, sat him down again and asked him to eat his food. He started sucking the ranch dressing off the cucumbers and when I told him he had to bite it, he started howling again. So, I put him back in his bed again. He raged for about 10 minutes, and when he was done, I got him out and sat him down again, and this time he did take a few bites in between screaming. While this whole saga with Ian was going on, I was making George's plate of veggies, then his PB and J, and feeding Gracie her yogurt, which was interspersed with her screaming everytime I got up to help one of the boys. By the last time I sat Ian down, the other two were done, and may I just praise the Lord here and thank Him for bringing to mind that I should make a point of praising George for being so good and eating his food. I could tell it meant sooo much to George when I sat down next to him and hugged him and thanked him for doing so well. With he and Ian, it is usually the other way around. So, I brought the other kids out into the living room and we were playing and when I went back to check on Ian a few minutes later, he had thrown all his cucumbers on the floor. This was obviously disobedient and rebellious, but had the added stigma of wasting food, which Nate has deemed in our house to be tantamount to burning books, so we always make a big deal out of it. I told him exactly what he had done wrong and slapped his little hand and then made him pick up all the mess, and sent him away from the table. At which point he started into the raging howls again because I wouldn't let him have anymore food. I know I really need to pick my battles carefully, and really, I do not need one more thing in my day to keep on top of when it would be soooo much easier to just give him yogurt or whatever he wants instead of what I give him, but I am not going to reinforce picky eating behaviour when I know he is capable and has been willing in the past to eat whatever I put in front of him. So, this was the first big battle of the food wills with Ian. I am still going through it with George, although I have to say that with prayer and some good advice, that area is causing much less stress on everyone involved now. I have said before that two of the biggest frustrations of motherhood are that you cannot make a child eat, and you cannot make a child sleep, even when you know that both, in their proper amount and timing are paramount to your child's health and wellbeing. Just one more thing to not let myself get stressed out over, I suppose.

Speaking of getting stressed out, I had a talk with Nathan last night about my attitude concerning this trip we are going on on Saturday. We are driving about 5 hours to Savannah, where we are staying at one of those "stay at our hotel free and listen to our timeshare pitch" places, then driving Sunday to Orlando. In Orlando, we will be staying at a 3 bedroom, 2 bath house for about a week, during which time, Nate will go to the National Pool and Spa convention. On our way home the following Saturday, we will be staying at the same hotel in Savannah again, then coming home Sunday. Last night I told Nate that to be perfectly honest with him, I was not looking forward to this trip. Mostly because it will be me at home (although not our home) alone with the kids while he's gone all day and some evenings. I can do that here in my own environment with a ton less preparation, disruption of schedule, and stress. Now that was my negative feelings on the whole matter. The truth, and what I need to continue to focus on is this: He could have decided to go alone, or with someone else from work to this and be gone that whole time. He could have decided not to go at all and forgo the opportunity for our family to spend more time together than normal and to make some great memories. And, the fact is that he has been looking forward to this for months and is very excited about going, and it is selfish of me to not support him in that. Truly, that is what it comes down to: sinful, self-centered, prideful selfishness. I have here the opportunity to make this a positive, fun trip that will be a blessing to everyone, or to hold onto my negativity and selfishness and make it miserable for everyone. I decided last night that I am done thinking negatively about it, and I will be excited. I refuse to get stressed out about it, and I will do everything in my power to make it as pleasant and blessed for everyone as I can. I am writing this here as a point of accountability. If you read this, please pray that I will be able to carry out this mindset of being a blessing, and not fall into being a hindering wretch. Of course, I am also premenstrual, which helps out my mindset sooo much, of course. I have started my period on the 30th of the month the last 3 months and that will be day two of traveling for us. Oh joy.

Well, lest I end this on a negative note, I do have all my sisters in law bought for for Christmas, and have specific ideas for several other people. So, that is encouraging!!!

I have finally gotten pictures posted and am writing about my fantabulous time out with Misty and meeting Holly and Cheri and Anna Elizabeth. We had so much fun. And may I just say that although Cheri looks supermodelish enough in her pictures, they just do not do her justice. And that girl looks gooooooood for having a baby just 3 months ago!!! Speaking of AE, she is so sweet and adorable. Cheri is snarkely funny and so totally real like you would not believe. I wish she were here all the time. I loved meeting Holly. She was so cute in her little glasses and orange sweatshirt, and just cracked us all up. She showed up saying to someone on her cell phone "...yes, I'm having supper with people I've never met before...no, I'm sure it'll be fine." LOL We talked, we laughed, we made the little girl behind the counter actually wait on us, (gasp) and then Cheri even made her smile. I think they were thinking we weren't ever going to leave, when the manager came out and started smacking the welcome mat down on the floor and trying to bribe us with Outback gift cards. So, finally we made our way to the door and went our seperate ways. Well, I tried to go my way, but my truck wouldn't start. Luckily Misty was still there and tried to give me a jump to no avail, so we went to the coffee shop next door and waited for my darling person to come save the day. After about half of my raspberry royale decaf, Nathan showed up and started the truck right away. Apparantly, I couldn't start it because I hadn't pushed the clutch in far enough.....alright you are now entitled to really laugh out loud, fall off your chair laughing your butt of, and other things of that nature.

I have sooo much to do this week, to get ready for our big trip. We are leaving Saturday, and I need to get everything done by Friday night....cleaning, laundry, organizing, meal planning, packing and all that goes along with it. I've started making my lists of what I need to buy, pack, bring for the van, etc. I have to go to Awana Wednesday night and Bible study Thursday, then Friday morning I am picking up the kids pictures and making my last trip to Wal-mart ever!!! I am so disgusted with them. After coming back on day 4 and day 5 after doing 2 day pictures, and still not being able to get them, I noticed the new feature in the checkout aisle...tv screens right in front of your heads, showing among other things music videos of half-dressed girating women. Like I want my kids to see that!!!! So, that is it, I am done. Besides the fact that it is almost impossible to actually get any real shopping done there with three wild children to take care of who are constantly trying to pack the cart with whatever they can reach, unpack the cart of whatever I have put in it, step on, grab and pull whatever of their siblings they can get a hold of, shreik at the top of their lungs and pee all over the world all at the same time...yeah, I don't think I'll be going there with them again anytime soon. Well, I have much to do and need to get on it, so I will say goodbye......Happy Monday!!!!

Ane here is Cheri and Holly caught in a Shepherd Smith sighting swoon.... 

Misty loving on cutesy babykins!! 

Cheri in her sparkly glasses, and Holly in her brainiac ones 

Here is me, Cheri and Anna Elizabeth and Misty at Gandolfo's