Friday...

I suppose I should be doing Friday Felicities, but I just don't feel very...um, felicitous right now. I hate to succumb to the cliche, but I am faced with the fact that I am completely and utterly depressed about turning 30. I have been in various stages of denial (my favorite coping technique) about it for about 6 months, and kept thinking I would just start thinking it was not a big deal, but as the time has come closer it has been harder and harder to deny that I can feel it as a great weight upon my shoulders...the fact that I will no longer be in my 20's....tomorrow.

I have gotten several presents in the mail. Sweet birthday cards. All from dear precious people who (I don't know why) love me even when my idiotic psychosis demands that I reject the reason for their kind generosity. I don't want anything to remind me of it. My mil even offered!!!! to watch the kids tomorrow night so Nate could take me out, which usually I would leap at the chance for, but I just have no desire to go.

I really do realize that all this introspection and raging against things I cannot change is not only fruitless and a waste of time, but also terribly self centered. And I don't know if my extreme lack of sleep from our trip (and over the last 7 years) is propogating this mental drudgery, or if it has just snuck up on me or what. It's not as if I am terribly dissatisfied with where I am at in my life right now. My life is FULL of blessings. I have a wonderful husband, four beautiful and healthy children, a nice home, family and friends, great church, etc. I have nothing to complain about. And I have never, I thought, held 30 as a huge change in other people. Maybe my stress levels are just coinciding with my birthday and that is the hinge upon which my despondancy is swinging. Maybe I think I can no longer pretend to be young and fun and carefree anymore once I am that old. That I will have no more excuses for not acting "like a grown-up." Maybe I feel that I should have things more together by now, or that I should be farther along in my Christian walk. All I really know is that even the thought of turning that corner into the next decade just makes me want to cry. And if you know me, you know I hate to cry.

I am packing...

I'm going to Maine.......(cue applause)...well, more accurately, WE are going to Maine. As in me, my munchkins AND my boyfriend (best friend, husband, Nate). :) We are leaving Friday. Packing the van tommorow night and then after naptime on Friday going to pick up Nate at work and then we are on the road again. And I get the nightshift driving, as God just made me weird like that. I naturally wake up at around 10 pm. We are driving straight through, the 20ish hours to my parents house in NH, then my mom will go up with us to my Nanny's house in Maine and my dad will come up on the weekend. We are Lord willing climbing "The Mountain" (a slightly ridiculous moniker for a height you can scale in the space of a few hours, but anyway) swimming, canoeing, roasting marshmallows, visiting with friends, family and just totally enjoying being in "Vacationland" in the month of August. I am so very excited. And we are bringing my mom an air conditioner, courtesy of some dear friends who no longer needed it, AND we are bringing a huge bag of clothes for my little nephew, AND an entire set of dishes for my mom for a housewarming gift...so basically we will have room on the way back to tote home 12 real pine trees from "The Pine Tree State". Not that we actually would, but it's a nice thought to think for a little while. :) And now I need to get back to packing!!

Friday Felicities

1. I can put a ponytail in Claire's hair now....it's so cute!!

2. I got to spend most of the day at a wonderful, wise, beautiful friend's house with her and her wonderful children. We all had a blast.

3. Tommorow is Saturday....and if Nate won't take me on a date, I am going on one myself....to the grocery store.

4. I got to talk to my mom on the phone this week and she is doing well. I miss her so much.

5. I got George's reading books and have his math figured out...now I just need to order it, and I have started writing my spelling curriculum, and have the science done!! Now I just need to organize and all that jazz.

6. We *may* be going to Maine, all of us, in August. :)

7. I love my treadmill. I am SOOOO thankful for it.

8. We just got the new Third Day album, and it totally rocks...I love it!!

9. Espresso+half n' half+chocolate syrup+ice= homemade iced mocha......yummy!!!!

10. Nate found a used car for less than he was expecting, and the van is finally fixed and legal and everything. Praise the Lord.

Burn baby, burn

I don't have any special reason for posting this picture, other than I just think my girls are so beautiful!! And red is my favorite color, so seeing my little blue eyed beauties in red just looks so adorable to me. Okay, I'm done gushing.

I got so much done Saturday, despite my rather inauspicious beginnings, and Nate didn't get home until late so I had time to get the whole lawn mowed and all inside done what I intended to do. I was.....(trying to think of the phrase my friend with the super charming southern belle voice used)...done slap wore' out because of it, though. I have to say I am enjoying getting back in touch with muscles that I have been ignoring for years now. Pushing that cantankerous mower around for 2 hours on Saturday was a better workout than I'd had in years, it was awesome. I was rereading my last few posts and can't believe I didn't record the momentous occasion of our acquiring my new best friend...Mr. Treadmill!! It was such an answer to prayer, just what I wanted, for just what I wanted to pay. And I love it. It's a Nordictrack, with a 20" running deck and power incline. And the best feature it has is a little plastic shelf to put my book on! So I get on my running shoes and my glasses and read and walk and run and fun fun fun!! And it has been totally motivating to feel physically "worked out" again, rather than just exhausted from lack of sleep or sore muscled because of carrying too much baby. So I have been trying to do leg lifts and crunches, and of course, get plenty of "sexercise" as well. Quit blushing, you know it burns calories (if you do it right ;). I have been doing better eating healthy, too, cutting out sugar and all. So, after all of this, wouldn't you think I would have lost some weight?? I mean, it's been a month since I have been exercising regularly and eating well. (I know, a month is not a lot of time) And I have gained weight. 2 lbs. I'm not sure how this has happened, but I can tell you, it is really discouraging. And it's not as if I were so low to begin with that any addition of muscle would bulk me up. Oh no. I am 20 lbs over my pre-George pregnancy weight and 11 lbs over my pre-Claire pregnancy weight. And 18 lbs over what I "should" weigh. But, I think my clothes are fitting a little better. If I haven't lost inches, I am at least more aware of my muscles now to hold them in, and be trying to keep my core strong and as tight as a tummy that's been stretched to it's max 4x can get. I still have a healthy layer of "subcutaneous fat" over that core, but at least I feel better now, right? Even if I don't look any better yet. If my goal were weight loss, I'd probabably not be wanting to keep on, but (I have to keep reminding myself) my goal is to get better in touch with my muscles, get in better shape and just be able to keep up with my kids better. If I end up being able to fit into my smaller clothes along the way, that's just icing on the cake (or, like low-fat dip on the cucumber..yeah).

I should be cleaning my toilet...

I should. I have made Saturdays my super busy deep cleaning day for awhile now and today I am just out of sorts and tired and praying that the Lord would bring order to my disordered mind so I could finish a sentence in my head. I am in my pajamas. Sitting in a room whose floor needs to be mopped, adjoining other rooms whose floors need to be mopped. But the balancing act of guilt, compulsion, remembrance and lists is not coming together for me today. There are times I feel paralyzed into doing nothing because I can not figure out through the swirling storm of words in my mind, what is the most important thing for me to do RIGHT NOW. I start something, then go into another room, start something else..yada yada...you know the drill. I know I'm not the only one who does this mad caper. Some days it is worse than others though. So, of course, I decide to throw logic, of all things, out the window, and do NOTHING. Yeah, that makes sense. Of course, if there were a list of things eligible for window flinging, you'd think I would look to laziness, proctrastination, scatterbrainedness (of course it's a word!), guilt, feelings of incapability, etc. before I threw logic out. Spock, after all, is one of my heroes. But here I sit. And yes, I will get a lot done today. Eventually. But instead of starting early, being organized and methodical and well planned, I will accomplish my tasks for the day most probably through a mixture of an overdose of caffeine, pure, swift elbow grease, disorganized flying by the seat of my pants, and hurridly doing in a few hours what I could have done slowly over several more. And the result will be the same. My toilets will get cleaned, my floors will get mopped, my dishes will get done, my laundry will get put away. But at the end, I will probably be more frazzled, more fatigued and more on edge. And here's a thought: As time goes by, I am more and more convinced that God has so much more to do with the tiny little "inconsequential" nuances of my daily routine. And there are days when I forget this, or choose to ignore it, but that does not change the fact, that He is here, in my messy house, in my messy mind, and really and truly in control of it all, whether I acknowledge or willingly give over that control or not. Not to say that I have no choice or freedom of action. I know it is NOT God's fault if I choose to be lazy, selfish, disorganized, and the like. But I have come to see that there are times when circumstances are orchestrated that are outside of my control, (or not) and instead of trying to figure out how they got that way, and why I am in such a state because of it, what I need to do is thank God for being with me where I am and making the best of what I can with what I have while I am here (I've been reading Dickens, forgive the run-on sentences). I could spend the remainder of my squandered time questioning why I do this, why I can't seem to get motivated sometimes except by threat of time running out, why danger of failing at the last minute energizes me so, and then feel guilty that I am having these thoughts at all and let them paralyze me further, or I can decide to tear my eyes away from the destructive self examination and fix my eyes firmly on THIS moment. On what I have to do NOW, now that the time has slipped by, now that I am faced with the shame of my bad stewardship and the possibility of not accomplishing what I know to be important goals. So, at the end of my rant, here is my advice to myself: Get in the moment, quit analyzing why you are there, and just do what needs to be done. In other words, just for a little while...act like a man....while retaining the amazing multitasking powers of the woman God created you to be. Okay, I'm going to clean my toilet now. :)

1. Claire is the most delicious baby you have ever seen. It is literally impossible to pick her up without kissing her. I am so head over heels in love with her.
2. I am so thankful for good friends, and for their love, and patience and encouragement.
3. My husband just seems to get better looking all the time. I think he's so much sexier now than when we got married.
4. George is reading "Driving Force: The Natural Magic of Magnets" written by an MIT professor....and he loves it.
5. Ian boy will be 5....5!!!! In 17 days....how did this happen?
6. Grace is so completely The Princess and the Pea...she's started randomly throwing things out of her bedroom at night because she "just can't sleep with them around her."
7. I *may*, I *might*, I (Oh please, please, please, for the love of all that is good and holy, Lord) *could possibly* be driving home with the kids to stay in NH and Maine in August for like 2 weeks!!!!!
8. I am almost done Bleak House, and seriously, I am just so thankful for Charles Dickens. No modern author (okay, maybe Douglas Adams) even comes close to the scathing wit, the deep figurative allusions, and just the complete mastery of the English language than "Chuck" (as Nate so irreverently calls him).
9. I *may* have a lead on a treadmill......I hope, I hope, I pray, I wish.
10. There is salad in my fridge. :)

Happiness...

I love my husband. He's been working his tail off. It is the thick of the crazy-busy season at work right now. He is overworked, stressed, stretched, and exhausted. Yesterday he left home at about 6:30 am, and got home at about 10:30 pm, which is about an hour later than normal. He didn't even get so much as a chance for a drink of water until 12:30, and didn't get time for "lunch" until 5:30. He has a million and one loose ends he is trying to hold together and remember. This morning he left at about 4:30 am since he had to be at a jobsite at 5:30.

Well, yesterday, George finished his 1st grade phonics work. He was so very excited and said he couldn't wait to tell Daddy. I knew Nate wouldn't probably get home until after bedtime so I said we could call and tell him. Nate's phone was repeatedly busy so George just left him a message. I could tell he was a little disappointed. When Nate got home I asked him if he got G's message and just told him he should try to remember to make a big deal out of it the next time he saw George. He was about half awake as I told him this, and I thought I'd probably have to remind him later, too. Now, you must understand that Nate is not one of these people who writes notes or cards or whatever to people. He does not see a need for it usually and dreads doing it when he "has" to. So, I was so incredibly thrilled to see the joy on my son's face this morning when he showed me what Nate left him.

1. BK Mocha Joe.....those things are so flippin' awesome!!!!!!!
2. It's Friday, which means tomorrow is Saturday, which means the day after that Nate will be home.
3. Watching George get so excited about finding new books at the library and read them voraciously.
4. We had a fantabulous time camping last week. It really was wonderful.
5. Charles Dickens....that is all.
6. Nate got home before the kids went to bed last night and we all prayed together before bedtime.
7. My parents found a car!!
8. Did I mention the Mocha Joe's?? And also making my own "Frapuccinos" at home...yummy!!
9. I have a cool idea for a Father's Day for Nathan...and I need to go work on it!!
10. w@h ....so thankful.
5.

Why am I blogging on a Sunday?!?!? Because Nate is happily being climbed upon by the children on the couch while watching Nascar (I believe our descent into redneckhood is almost complete) and the baby is sleeping, and I am just stinking lazy. There are things I could be doing (always) but I just don't feel like it. I layed around this afternoon while 3 out of 4 kidlets napped and I slept in this morning. It's nice to feel a bit of the stringent tenseness melting out of me, being replaced by a semi-relaxed state of sleepiness.

Ah yes, I actually have content to document here. I went to the Dr. this week. It was mostly an exercise in futility, but I guess it's good to know things are "as they should be" pronounced by someone with letters after their name. I went because I've been having this weird abdominal swelling every month around the time I am ovulating. The Dr. said he really didn't think there was a connection between the swelling and ovulation, but if I really thought there was, maybe I should do something to suppress my ovulation, like start running 5 miles a day. He also said I should lose 10 lbs, and maybe that would help, but he really didn't have any idea what is going on. Some good has come of this, though, since in relating the story of the visit, some knowledgable friends have given me some ideas as to what it actually could be, and some ideas of things that could help. I am going to be looking into doing a cleanse soon, and thinking more along the lines of endometriosis. Regardless of what exactly is going on, I think Nate is more inclined towards our getting a treadmill now. If it is ovulation, endo, or some GI thing, exercise will help. Another thing exercise will help is this growing off and on battle with my....well, for lack of a better word...chemical balances. I refuse to call it depression, as it isn't to that point yet, but the times between the struggles are getting smaller, from years to months to weeks and I can see down the paths starting to reopen before me now the glimmers of dark places I have not been to in a long time, and have no wish to revisit. SO, I think getting a treadmill and MAKING it a priority to get daily exercise will be good on many fronts. I dream about running all the time now. I am looking and trying to be judicious and a good steward and just waiting for the Lord to bring the right deal along. We shall see.

On an entirely different note, I am really trying to decide which of Grace's "mispronunciations" is my favorite...."Dark Baiter" (Darth Vader) or "Sweeping Booty" (Sleeping Beauty).

10 Strange Things about Me....

My sincerest apologies to Windy who tagged me for this like....(I don't know) awhile ago, and I haven't done it until tonight....so here goes....

1. As referenced slightly above, I have no internal chronometer. Like, you could put me in a room with no windows and no clocks and come back in 1o minutes and tell me you were gone three hours or vice versa and I would believe you. I really can't tell.

2. In spite of #1, for some God-is-giggling-about-it reason, I almost ALWAYS see 12:34 on the clock. I am not a habitual clock watcher at all, but for some reason, I almost always happen to glance at the clock when it is this...am and pm. I have tried to NOT see it, but I end up getting all anxious and can't stand it anymore and have to look and yup...there it is...12:34

3. My belly button has always looked like an arrow....pointing up. (Yes, it's a saggy arrow now)

4. I inadvertantly talk like whomever I am talking to. Dh can totally tell who I am talking to by how I am talking. I don't mean to do it, I just do it. Their tone of voice, their accent, their expressions, etc. I have no idea why.

5. I can't touch chalk. I don't know why either. It totally creeps me out, like makes my skin crawl.

6. Although I haven't drank really in over 10 years, I crave vodka almost ALL the time.

7. I am obsessed with Christmas. I love twinkling lights anytime. I listen to Christmas music all year round. Something inside me just sings continually when I even think about it.

8. I love tie dye, and classic rock. I am a thinly disguised hippie born in the wrong generation.

9. I HATE to hear myself sing. I enjoy singing only when I can't hear myself.

10. Okay, apparently, the scar weirdness is just too strange so I will change #10 to something else: The last strange thing about me: I sneeze twice every night before I go to sleep. Always.

1. All my kids are healthy and (usually) happy.
2. My husband is able to work, I know that is a blessing.
3. I have family who loves me and supports me, always.
4. I have food in my fridge and pantry and freezer.
5. We have enough clothes to wear, and then some.
6. We have a house big enough for all of us, and then some.
7. I got a new inhaler.
8. I can read my Bible anytime, without ever fearing for my life or safety because I am doing so.
9. I have such an incredible network of wise and wonderful friends, online and off.
10. I am able to do what I need to take care of my children and my home.

Wordless Wednesday

The Monkey Children

In the blogging world, I am so not even up to "ameteur" status.

There are people who faithfully blog their daily activities; there are people who blog to tell you about great deals and wonderful ideas; and there are other people who blog witty, intelligent, thought-provoking, convicting essays.

I am none of the above.

I blog because it helps clear my head, and it helps me to see my crazy disordered thoughts written down. Okay, you say, then why not just write them down in a journal or in a word document for yourself? And....well, I don't really know the answer to that, except that I think there is a part of me that enjoys being "part" of something...such as "the blogging world", and even though I don't blog for the benefit of anyone but myself, and usually no one else would even find my blog posts intelligible, let alone interesting, I always do treasure when someone leaves a comment saying they at least understood, if not appreciated or commiserated with me about something that I wrote. Words of affirmation are a strong love language with me. Words, period, mean a lot to me. I hold books as one of the most valuable of my possessions, with my old worn out Bible being most precious. I have cards from people that wrote me 2 lines that touched my heart....10 years ago or more. I have saved every word that Nathan has ever written to me. And I long to hear more of his words, always, no matter what the subject. On Mother's Day, Ian wrote me a "card". It was a piece of cardstock, crookedly cut out to a small rectangular shape, with this written on it, "U love (picture of a heart) I" I knew as soon as I saw it that it would be one of my most treasured possessions forever. I love words, and not only words of affirmation, but words of learning, of conviction, etc. So, I think perhaps it fulfills a longing in my soul to have my own words "immortalized" in a fashion, by having them published for all the world to see. Even though the quality of them is usually scrambled, if not fried (hmm, I'm thinking eggs for supper..where was I??) I like to have them here. And thanks to anyone who has ever liked them, too. :)

His mercies are new every morning...

.....Of course, and I knew this, and I know it now. I think sometimes I convince myself that there are pits too deep for God to climb into. As if MY sin is just too "bad" for the Father of forgiveness to take away. It is amazing-the presumption of pride. But the truth is, that Jesus became, has already become, (and taken care of) every shameful, evil, malevelant, disgusting sin there ever was. So, for me to cry out to Him in my sin is not ludicrous, it's what He has been waiting for me to figure out that I should do. I can't begin to convey the depth of my gratefulness for this fact.

I have nothing nice to say...so I should say nothing, right? I guess I am hoping that if I get all the not nice things off my chest and onto the computer they will not weigh so heavily. Or maybe I just want to gripe......

I am angry, just stressed and angry and feel at the end of my frayed rope and utterly alone in this struggle of parenting and living. I know IN MY HEAD that the Lord is with me, that His strength is made perfect in my great faltering weakness, that I can do all things through Him, but my heart is just turning a blind eye to all that written out so neatly and sweetly. It sometimes is hard to get those words past the screaming and the poop and the stress and the fighting and the defiance and the long lonely hours. I know I am stuck focusing on the negative, but I just can't seem to gather the willpower to change my perspective. Right now I just hate....I don't even know what....the fact that I am alone? The fact that my husband is in a job where he gives 110% of himself (which leaves next to nothing for his family) and is not appreciated for it, but demeaned by the one whose company he is fighting for?? the fact that there is poop in the bathtub and the laundry room right now that I am just too completely stressed out to clean up without totally losing it?? The fact that after all these years, at times like this I still crave cigarettes??? Yuck. Maybe it's the fact that there are times I can fool myself and possibly others into thinking I have things together somewhat and can actually cope well with what my life entails, and then I have a day like today on top of a day like yesterday and all of sudden I feel utterly exposed as the incompetent wretch that I am. How is is good for my children to have a mother like this? How is it good for my husband to have a wife like this? It's not. And yet here I sit, in my wretchedness. I am tired, oh so tired, physically and emotionally and mentally exhausted. And I am not reacting well, I am not acting well, I am not thinking well. Certainly nothing approaching godliness. I just want to leave, I just want to run, I just want to erase all of this for the shame of it being true. How can my outlook be so mercurial?? One day I feel on top of the world, as if I can feel the mighty hand of God leading and protecting me, and then sometimes it's as if I have leaped a chasm He just won't cross. I suppose that is the leap into sin, where God can have no part. It's not that my circumstances are so horrible, far from it. It's just that somedays I cannot summon the energy to react towards them as I know I should. And this has become one of those days.

Friday Felicities

• I made the absolute best tasting homemade vanilla ice cream this morning, and added some homemade strawberry jelly to half of it...yum
• Claire looks beyond adorable in little curly pigtails
• Only two more days til Nate has a day off
• A REALLY good paycheck for Nate's 76 hours last week
• Chatting with friends online, on the phone and in person
• Being invited to play games with friends tonight...I can't wait!!
• Getting a little progress on Mt. Laundrytobedone
• Boys who play outside HAPPILY for over an hour together
• My new Kodak scanner/copier/ PICTURE PRINTER!!!!!!
• Hugs from my kids......way more valuable than any money I could be paid for my work
• Emails from my cute, sweet and wonderful mother
• Finding friends
• Corny jokes a la Ian "Hey, Mama, Knock Knock!...(Who's there)....Hat...(hat who?)...Hat who is wearing on George when he goes outside to play!!!.......get it?????"
• Observations a la George "Mama, I noticed we don't have an antenna on our van. Racecars don't have antennas either, probably so they don't get distracted by the radio when they are supposed to be paying attention to driving."
• Demands a la Gracie "It's sixty-firty to wake up time, Mama, I stayed in my bed and my nundewaaaaaare is dwy, can I have some mint gum??"
• Declarations a la Clairey "No, NO!" (pointing at the table, which she's been corrected twice for climbing up on today)
• Remembering Nattie on Fridays especially....:)

Did I really say that?!?

It seems like strange things have been coming out of my mouth lately. They make perfect sense in the context in which they occur, but taken out, they do sound pretty weird. Here are some examples:

• "Stop using the force on your sister!"
• "We do not eat dinosaurs."
• "Please don't make jewelry out of your fruit."
• "It's not nice to pretend to flush Grandma."
• "Legos do not go in your underwear."
• "Get Spiderman off the cat."
• "No, I do not want to see your 'cool' stinky."
• "Yes, I'm sure Batman loves you."
• "We do not dance while we are peeing."
• "No, I don't think Jesus is hiding under your bed."
• "Monsters are allergic to freesia body spray."
• "No, Daddy does not just swim in pools all day."
• "No, wild rice does not turn you into a wild animal."

And then there are the things that I say on average 657 times per day. Man, if I only had a nickel for every time I said....

• "Shut, flush, and wash."
• "No whining!!!!!!!"
• "Use your words."
• "If you get it out, put it away."
• "Go potty now!"
• "Hands in your pockets in the store."
• "Figure it out."
• "Obey right away, the right way, with the right attitude."
• "Quietly, quietly."
• "Is that loving your neighbor?"
• "I love you"
• "No, we can't call Daddy right now."
• "No snacks right now."

And then there's the things I wish I said more often.....

• "Of course you may do the laundry for me."
• "No, Dear, I don't mind if you take the kids for the day."
• "Sure, I'd like another Starbucks."
• "Round trip tickets to see my parents?? Great!"
• "Oh, I dropped another size! How about that?"
• "Maid service for life? Okay, if that's what you think best, Dear."
• "No, I am not too young to have all these children."
• "Girl's night out? Okay!!"
• "You taught yourself to clean the bathroom top to bottom? What a good boy!"
• "I'd love to have some flowers, how sweet!"

And then there's the things that I continually have to remind myself of, that I tell myself over and over....

• "Thou will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee."
• "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
• "Remember your grandmother."
• "Only a few more days until Nate is home."
• "Give it to the Lord."
• "Action, not anger."
• "Let it go."
• "Be a blessing."
• "She opens her mouth in wisdom and on her tongue is the law of kindness."
• "His grace is sufficient for me."
• "His mercies are new every morning."

I guess that last list is the one I need to keep in mind. :)

1. Only two days until Nathan is home with us ALL DAY
2. I get to go to the church yard sale tommorow
3. It is sunny and warm and breezy out
4. I am sort of (crossing my fingers) caught up on laundry
5. Everyone took a nap today....PTL!!
6. Nate is wisdom tooth-less and has done great so far.
7. I had a great big Caesar salad for lunch, and it was wonderful
8. I need to make bread today.....but thanks to my Zo, it will take me all of 5 minutes to do, then 2 1/2 hours later, fresh homemade bread!!
9. Facebook.......I'm starting to love it.
10. I am so thankful for friends who inspire and encourage and sharpen me just by being themselves.

I'm looking for curriculum for George for second grade. It is a frustrating endeavor. I know what I think he needs to know, I know what he knows now, and I know what "they" say he should know in second grade. I also know that I want to get a lot of Rod and Staff again, but not everything. I am checking out Miquon Math, and looking into getting a science book. One of the things I love about homeschooling is that you don't have to wait for the slowest kid in the class to catch up before you can move on to new material. I mean, if my child gets fractions after one lesson, great, on to the next thing, and if they don't get it after 3 weeks, then we can stay working on it until he does get it. I love this. BUT, it has lent itself to a bit of impatience with the curriculum. On one hand, I am very thankful for well organized, godly curriculum that presents material in an easy to digest fashion, and takes the guess work out of what I should teach when. On the other hand, what if said wonderful curriculum is taking 3x as long as is necessary (for my child) to explain the parts of speech, or the basics of a math concept? Do I skip pages of review, risking that I may miss an important step in nailing the concept in my child's mind, or do I make him do all the repetitive pages and reviews, risking that he loses interest in the subject and starts to dread doing schoolwork at all??? (I am so not one of these home school people who think that school should just be a chore and they are going to do it whether they like it or not. My goal is to instill a love of learning in my children and nurture their natural curiosity.) I have not found the end-all, be-all answer for this dilemma, and it comes up in a much bigger way when I am choosing curriculum. What if all of the concepts that are introduced for the second grade are things we have already talked about, and I know he understands? Do I get it anyway, because he needs the review, and I may have missed some key fragment that would keep him from understanding it wholly later on? Or do I only get what will be all new and challenging to him? I am not sure what to do.....I am sure I am not doing Rod and Staff math, there is no longer any question that it is just waaaaaay too slow and repetitious. If I had G do all the review in the math books, he would surely learn to dread and be bored by math. Right now, he is still retaining interest, and enjoying it, doing what we have been, which is skipping every other page, and doing half of it orally. I know he is ready for much more advanced math, and I am hoping what I find for 2nd grade will be a better fit for him.

Should I get a separate Bible curriculum, or just continue to supplement Bible reading to the readers, which are straight from Bible stories? Should I get some sort of a devotional for him? Should I start teaching Bible stories, a la felt figures and board??? And what about Grace and Ian?? Do I really need to buy anything just to teach them basic phonics and beginning reading? (I don't really think so) Should I do them together, or would it be better to teach them separately? Hmmmm, can you tell I have a TON of questions in my mind right now about this? (And have I reached my quota for question marks???)

I am excited, though, for George to be doing second grade, and for us to be doing it together. I love homeschooling (as challenging as it is sometimes, and as inept as I am too often) and I am so thankful that we are able to do it. I know it is only going to get more challenging as time goes on
but possibly part of the routine will get easier with time.....like mothering. I mean, the more kids you have, the harder it is to keep up with everything, but the more knowledge passes to instinct, and routines get into place, so you don't have to think about them as much anymore. I am still a little conflicted on which camp I will fall into when it comes to co-ops, lessons, sports and all. It seems like there are two extremes that most people fall into (and I know wonderful, godly families that are in both camps). There is the harried, running here, there and everywhere, kids in all sorts of lessons (piano, horseback, Spanish, soccer, ballet, art, etc.), perpetually exhausted and stretched far too thin, time wise and financially. And on the other end of the spectrum are the families that aren't involved in anything, and are together as a family all the time, whose children don't have any "extra-curricular" activities at all. I can see good sides to both, and I can also see that the time I have to observe and decide is decreasing, and the opportunities and options for involvement are only increasing. Of course, just as in any endeavor, this needs to be bathed in prayer, and peace sought for confirmation of any decision.

Speaking of decisions, and peace, (since this is my blog and there aren't actually any "topic police" who fine you if you go from rabbit trail to rabbit trail in your topics..) I am so greatly relieved to have finally been given peace over a subject which I had agonized over for over a year. I went over and over the arguments for both sides of the coin, talked to many different couples who had made the decision we are considering, and prayed and prayed and talked and talked, and waited on the Lord, and just recently I feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest. While doing my routine rumination of this subject, I suddenly realized that I didn't feel the internal conflict any more, I didn't feel the guilt or the indecision or the angst that had so far accompanied any mental perusal of the facts pertaining to this decision. It is a beautiful thing to be released to peace. We haven't taken any steps toward acting on this decision, and who knows, maybe the Lord will bring some other things forward for us to consider about this, but for right now, I am just so thankful to the Lord that He has set me free in this.

And on that note, I think I will get back to looking at curriculum......:)

This always happens. I have pages and pages of things I write in my head, just aching to blog them at the time I am thinking them, imagining how it will clarify my thought process and be wonderful to get it all down. Then, on the rare occasion that I actually have time to sit down and type at the computer, all of these seemingly pertinent thoughts have flitted away like so many elusive butterflies in the spring time. Maybe it's that there is just so much, all the time, swirling and thrashing around in my head, that when I have to actually pick a single topic to concentrate on, it's kind of hard. I guess I should write something, though, after all, I am here, now.

Yes, I am here, sitting in my rocker, next to the sleeping cat on my messy bed. The window is beside me, and outside the window is a thin dogwood. It seems almost bent down with the weight of the big blossoms on it. They seem way out of proportion to the spindly branches holding them up to the sun. But, it's nice to look at. There's also (while we are on our tour of "Charity's view") the stump of a tree that a little yellow and black bird has been diligently trying for 3 days now to peck a hole into, I'm assuming a hole big enough for him to live in. These Georgia pines do grow so tall and thin. Being from "The Pine Tree State", I do consider myself if not an expert, then at least an expert appreciator of the pine tree. Pine trees in Maine grow tall, but they are ever so much fuller and fatter than the ones here.

Okay, I'm bored reading what I've written, what hope do I have that the unsuspecting random reader here has even made it this far without falling asleep and drooling all over their keyboards??? *Please note that the author of this blog is not legally responsible for damage to keyboards caused by drooling readers* Hey, maybe that could be my new home business! Not drool on keyboards I mean, but I could set up a website where I write whatever mind dulling drivel I think of for the purpose of putting my readers to sleep. Insomniacs everywhere will be blessing my name. ;P

And now for something completely different...

It is April, we are just on the cusp of pool season. Of course, I know this every year, I feel more prepared every year. Usually I have a bit of a freak out those first few late nights, the first 6 work day week, but then I mentally get in the groove and get into gear for it, and it's fine. But this year, I have older children who actually notice that their Daddy is suddenly not able to be around, and they don't understand why. Well, George understands why, although he may be having the hardest time with it, at least he gets it. Ian and Grace are not old enough to understand, they just want him here. And I think it seems harder this year as well because of the way that God has orchestrated circumstances and Nate's heart since last year, and he more than ever wishes he could be home. I think I am actually the one in the family that will have the easiest time of it this year, besides darling Claire, who is still blissfully clueless that anything is different than it was a month ago. Still, we shall persevere, and I know it is my responsibility to be the glue that holds us all together, and I know that with Christ making His strength perfect, complete, in my weakness, that I can do it.

On another topic entirely, I am so discouraged about my lack of weight loss. I have never been so heavy this long after having a baby, not even when I was 3 or 4 months pregnant again. It's not that I have a TON of weight to lose, either, it's just that it won't budge. Not that I am killing myself exercising to get rid of it, though. I think that's half the discouragement right there, I feel like I am unable to get to the exercise that I know would kick these last 15-20 lbs. I have tried several times to do an exercise video in the afternoon, but with the boys only sleeping every other day, and even then it seems like someone is up every 15 minutes, it only gets more and more frustrating trying to get into doing a 30 minute video. I have looked into getting a treadmill, but then I think I would only run into the same problem. I know there are moms with little kids who actually find time to exercise, but I don't know where they find the energy, or the uninterrupted time. I have started to consider actually looking into getting a real gym membership, but I really don't know if the time and money for that is a reasonable expectation. But, I will be having my 2nd 29th birthday this year, it's kind of big one, and I have thought about getting together a "sales presentation" for Nate on why a gym membership would be good. Of course, there's always child care, but I think some gyms have child care there, although there would have to be a pretty high set of standards met for me to feel comfortable with leaving my kids. I know I have friends out there who would gnaw their own feet off before putting their children in a situation like that, but I have yet to be convinced either way. I know it is a long shot, but I am going to check it out anyway. Who knows??

And now I have officially wiled away the time when I should have been doing laundry, but on the upside, I feel a bit less stressed than I did a while ago. And tomorrow holds promise of a picnic at the park (oh boy, what on earth am I going to bring for food...) and also friends coming over to play games, so that will be fun. I am way late on mailing my mom's birthday present, because I had this idea in my head and couldn't find exactly what I was looking for, so I don't know exactly what to do now......okay I'm done babbling, you may return to your regularly scheduled surfing.