November 4th, 2011

The fact that is has been 13 months since last I even checked here, let alone posted anything, lets me know that the need for this in my life has passed. This blog was a mainstay of my routine for years, and then a haven for an occasional diatribe, lesson from God expounded upon, or just an update on children and life in general. As I write this now, with a cup of steaming decaf beside me, I can honestly say that the last year has been a blessing. Not that everything in it was a blessing, in fact some things were incredibly hard, but reflection causes me to give glory to God, Who has worked all things together for good. I came back here today to try to find my birth stories, and reliving that amazing time in my life has been cathartic. What a miracle, to have been blessed with four healthy, funny, individual, amazing children. I am beyond thankful. And beyond that, to have a devoted man walk beside me in loving them daily, is a divine benediction. And while I could write a long list of things that have happened in the last year, that, essentially is still where I am at. Loving my husband, loving my children, loving my God, and striving and learning all the time to do it better.

George will be 10 in a few months. Ian turned 8 in July. Grace will be 7, Claire will be 5, and of course Nathan and I exist in a timeless vacuum, where we do not age. :) School consists of 5th grade, mostly 3rd, 1st, and K4. I am doing some things the same, some things entirely new and differently. I am thankful for the opportunity to teach them right now. I know that this time in our lives will pass all too quickly, and I am so glad that I do not have to miss their days of learning.

I won't give a full update, I feel released from that responsibility here, it was never one I consistently achieved anyway. I will just end by saying, the Lord is good, and He is constantly opening up my eyes to the full measure of what that means. If I lived a thousand years as an ardent disciple, still I could not fathom all that belongs to that statement, the Lord is good. Our pastor said not long ago, "Aggressively trust in the sufficiency of the Lord." That is a high thing to live by, but I am grateful to be given the chance to try.

September??

I'm just sitting here finishing up my lunch of sauteed mushrooms, tomatoes and kale. I love how the tomatoes become all juicy and the flavors of the mushrooms deepen and mix in bubbly wonderfulness with the tomatoes. The kale is just a green, crunchy undertone added in the last 10 seconds. Wonderful!!! Okay, we knew I was weird, and it doesn't bother me a bit if everyone else thinks this is a peculiar combination. It tastes great to me. The kids had wraps filled with mayo, mustard, broccoli slaw and radish sprouts. They love those. I usually put spinach in, too, but used up all my spinach over the weekend. Since I just had a "spare" moment (meaning I'm blocking out of my mind the forty eleven things I should be doing right now) I thought I'd blog. To catch up on what's been going on, here are some helpful bullets.

• I put 5000 miles on my van in the last month, and enjoyed every minute of it.
  
• We went to NH, Maine and Minnesota, which sadly did nothing for my state of contentment with my present location.
• The boys and I climbed Borestone Mountain with my brother, nephew and his friend.
  
• We swam (swum?) and fished in Greenwood Pond.
• We had fun with cousins, grandparents, great grandparents, uncles, aunts and friends.
• We saw several deer, a family of wild turkeys, a fox, a rabbit, an otter, lots of squirrels and birds, including the loon family that lives on Greenwood Pond that we could hear calling to each other every day. Grace said they sounded like zebras.
  
• We wore sweatshirts and jackets and shivered.....and I greatly enjoyed it.
• We went to Storyland, kids amusement park with my brother and family, it was wonderful! I especially liked hearing George and Ian's conversation "Ian, wasn't the Polar Coaster fun?" "No, it's the PolAH coaster, George, I heard Uncle Dan call it that."
• We went to a mineral and rock mine with my parents. Before we left, my dad put on his tool belt full of rock tools and his backpack, and held his hand carved walking stick, while my mom said "Looks like you're all ready to go Kerplunking!"
  
• We went to a train station and listened for the whistle and roar that would portend the coming of my other half and cheered when the train appeared, then hugged the head of our family too tightly. :)
• We went to Queechee Gorge, which was beautiful and Sugarbush Farms, which was quaint and lovely.
• We went to Niagara Falls, which I found incredibly underwhelming and just don't really see the attraction. Perhaps if it weren't surrounded my ugly, grimy tourist traps in an ugly, grimy city. I hear the Canadian side is better.
• We stayed in Bemidji, MN, one of my favorite towns on earth, even without the wonderful family that lives there.
• We loved on nieces, nephews, cousins, brothers, sisters, uncles and aunts.
• We boated down the headwaters of the Mississippi.
• Some of us went geo-caching, some walking downtown, some fishing, some running, some biking, some boating, some Nintendo wii-ing, some cooking, some baking, some grilling, some frying, all loving doing things together.
• We took Grandma Marilyn out to Perkins and loved the evening we spent with her.
• We fit 3 adults and 4 kids into a hotel room, and most everyone slept most all of the night
• We got to stay at a huge, beautiful "hunting lodge" in deer country in Illinois. I can't wait to go back to that green, peaceful spot.
• And we pulled into our driveway just as Dorothy said "There's no place like home" at the end of The Wizard of Oz

So, that, boiled down to a nutshell (as one of my favorite college profs used to say) was my last 6 weeks. Now I am home, started school up again, excited about fall cooking, trying new recipes, contemplating joining a gym, and rather impatiently waiting for the weather outside to match the calendar.

Here are some recent funnies from the kids:

I overheard Ian the other day, speaking in a sinister voice, pretending to be a bad guy "I like my evil fish with evil salt and evil lemon on it!!" I guess even bad guys need to eat, huh?

Claire came running to me the other day, yelling "I need a band aid!!" and sporting 2 very red knees. It took me about 10 seconds to realize that it was not, in fact, blood, but self inflicted................red marker "wounds".

Well, supposedly the kids are settled napping now, a rarity in our house these days, but I shall redeem the time and *try* to get some exercise in while watching "You've Got Mail"

Our Deepest Fears....

A very wise friend shared this today from a book called "Our Deepest Fears" by Marianne Williamson. I have not read this book, but I intend to. This tidbit was too good not to share.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Ac...tually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Nate and I had a great talk last night, about life and our vision for our family and our finances and what the Lord would have us do with it all. This digressed into a talk about music (don't ask me how) which led into a talk about what I have been mulling over lately...see last post. And I just told him everything I was thinking about, and as always, it made me feel so much better to share it with him. I don't know why I fret so about talking to the man. I suppose that being in the hot tub with a glass of wine in hand helped us both to talk and to listen. ;) And in talking it out I was reminded of what the Pastor was talking about last Sunday in his discussion of Psalm 27.

The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? When the wicked, even my enemies and my foes came upon me to eat up my flesh, they stumbled and fell. Though a host should encamp against me, my heart will not fear: though war should rise up against me, in this will I be confident. One thing have I desired of the Lord, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord, and to inquire in his temple. For in the time of trouble he shall hide me in his pavilion: in the secret of his tabernacle shall he hide me; he will set me up upon a rock. And now my head will be lifted up above my enemies who are around me: therefore will I offer in his tabernacle sacrifices of joy; I will sing, yes, I will sing praises unto the Lord. Hear, O Lord, when I cry with my voice: have mercy also upon me and answer me. When you said, Seek my face; my heart said to you, Your face, Lord, will I seek. Hide not your face far from me; put not your servant away in anger: you have been my help; do not leave me or forsake me, O God of my salvation. When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take me up. Teach me your way, O Lord, and lead me in a plain path, because of my enemies. Do not deliver me over unto the will of my enemies: for false witnesses are risen up against me, and such as breathe out cruelty. I would have fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he will strengthen your heart: wait, I say, on the Lord.

I don't know if all my "issues" are rooted in fear of man, but I suspect a good deal of them are. And the antidote to this is to have a greater fear of God. Not that these are in any way the same kinds of fear. One should not fear a loving father, but you may fear to disappoint him. You would not cower before the One who loved you enough to die for you, but you should fear living in such a way that makes that sacrifice seem unappreciated. Understanding what the Lord has said, how much He truly loves us, and values us, should induce a spirit of glad hope. We should be more focused on what He thinks about us, then what we, or anyone else may think.

Proverbs 14: 26-27 says "In the fear of the Lord is strong confidence: and his children shall have a place of refuge. The fear of the Lord is a fountain of life, to depart from the snares of death." Just another of the beautiful paradoxes of the Lord...how could there be confidence in fear?!?!? BUT, it is the kind of fear and what you are fearing, that makes the difference. A place of refuge....from whatever it is you are fearing right now. And this beautiful fear of the Lord, this understanding, this reverential respect for His words that leaves no room for doubting them...this is the answer to my struggle, to not liking the person that God made me to be. I just need to know His words, and believe them, knowing that He is above me, beyond me and I can only trust Him and cling to His promises, set upon a rock above all that would threaten to tear me down.

I do this thing, where I just subconsciously start to talk like whomever I am talking with. Nate laughs at me, he can guess who I'm talking to on the phone. I think everyone does this to a certain extent. I find myself mimicking the gestures and sitting/standing positions of whoever I am with. I repeat phrases they say in conversation, only when I am in conversation with them. And when I am by myself, I wonder sometimes what I would talk like if I were talking with *me*. I endeavor to make people comfortable, and I'm probably not alone in just wanting to "fit in." I always assume that if I were to act "like myself" (for lack of a better term) I would offend someone, or they would see the "real me" and not like what they see. I have a hard time making a purchase without a second opinion, I just don't trust my gut enough. I have always been this way. I think that if I allowed myself, I would be better at many things that I falter at now. I always hesitate to say I'm right because well, what if I'm not? Is it a fear of being wrong that prompts me to pretend I don't know?

I think everyone goes through the maturing process differently. Some people "know" themselves when they are only a child. Some people constantly reinvent themselves. Some people never change. I can look back and see the changes in my life, in my perspective, and in my understanding of what it means to live in the grace of God. This is a lesson I am still learning. Every once in a while, on this journey, though, the Lord reaches down and opens my eyes to a bright understanding of some facet of His love or grace.

A big part of this is in accepting myself. *Wow, it's hard just to write that* I think maybe my emulation of others stems more from the fact that I think if I try hard enough, I can just become like them, instead of being like me. I have never accepted the person that I am, never really wanted to be comfortable in who I am because, well, I don't like that person. I'm not talking about my sin nature, no one should like that, and it should be constant struggle to yield to the Spirit in conquering that. I'm talking about my likes and dislikes, the way I talk, the way I walk, the way I look, the way I sleep, the way I laugh, things like this. Things that make me who I am, the things that God did on purpose when He was making me. I think I just have never wanted to face up to the bald fact that I have always believed that God made a mistake when He made me.

Saying it like that opens up a world of true cliches that unfortunately most Christians have been desensitized to. God doesn't make mistakes; You are made in God's image; He formed you in your mother's womb, etc. Yes, I know all this is true. Well, more accurately, I believe I suffer from a shocking degree of self aggrandizement that believes this all to be true for everyone but me. *maybe that is the root of all the trouble, I think I'm exempt from it all for some reason* Anyway, I will be the first to tell a person how special they are, how beautiful they are, how wonderful, how their specific personality, looks, temperament, etc was designed by God, and being comfortable in that gives Him glory. Why can't I say this to myself? Why, every time I see a picture of myself in a group of people do I curl up in pain inside and hate what I see? I can see all the beauty on the other people's faces, the twinkles in their eyes, their beautiful personalities shining through, and when I can stand to look at myself in the picture, all I see is my foolishness, my ugliness, my stupidity.

Most of the time, I do not think about this, it never reaches the level of my conscious thought, I am used to avoiding looking in the mirror, used to pretending I am someone else in my mind so I don't have to confront all my shortcomings. But, sometimes, as I said, the Lord holds my head still, my eyes open and filling with tears as He confronts me with the truth. And the truth is, that in not accepting myself, I am calling God a liar. I am saying He isn't good enough, what He did isn't good enough, and He did something wrong. That's all there is to it. I could go into reason after earthly reason why I might be "suffering from low self-esteem" or that I am a victim of being teased and made fun of as a child and never recovered. Blah blah blah....who isn't? I don't think that my hurts run deeper than anyone else who has seen similar circumstances.

So now, being aware of this, well, being confronted with it with no chance to worm my way out with denial (as is my wont) where do I go from here? How do you change something in the very fiber of your being, even knowing full well that continuing in it is not an option any longer. How does that play out practically? For me to all of a sudden act as if I did *like* and accept the person I am, not focusing on my faults, but learning to appreciate my personality, my manner, my looks, my natural inclinations.....what would that look like? What would change? It makes me feel as if a crushing weight were on my chest to glimpse the possible freedom that could come from this very inward shift of thinking, but it makes me scared. It makes me think, as I have so many, many times before "What if I'm wrong?" what if I act as if I am a valuable, special, uniquely created by God on purpose to be the way I am~ person and then I find out that ......I'm really not?? Again this would suppose that God is wrong, and on this one thing I can depend....God is never wrong. For me to really, truly, experientialy believe this, though, means that I can not continue to live as I have been, if only in my own mind.

And what brought this on?? Music in my head. And thinking about music that I like, and thinking about friends I have who either wouldn't approve of or just plain wouldn't like the music that I like, so, I never mention it. And there are so many areas like this. Me, all by myself, might like a style of music, or movie, or schedule or something, but unless someone else says they like or approves of it first, I feel constrained to hide it, and just add it to the list of "things about me I don't like" because, well, no one else likes them so I naturally assume I must be wrong for liking them.

I have times in my life when I decide to ignore this feeling inside, and make an effort to "be myself" or to be comfortable with myself, to like myself. And then, after awhile, I feel guilty, and I feel stupid, and I feel sure that the Lord and everyone else is ashamed of me, if they spare me a thought. And the rest of the time, I work hard at keeping up the facade that I am a laid back person who doesn't struggle with things like this. Most of the time I do a pretty good job of fooling at least myself. ;P

I think women in general struggle with this more than men. Maybe it's the male ego, or what have you, or the fact that a woman can be reading a cookbook, planning a grocery list, doing laundry, correcting homework, plucking her eyebrows and still be thinking about how much she wished that her stomach didn't have quite so many stretch marks. I don't know. I don't think I'm the only one who struggles with this, and if I'm not, and if you read this, (my tongue is in my cheek here at the thought of the millions who read my never updated blog) how then do you proceed? How do you live out practically the belief that God made you the way He did on purpose and that accepting this gives Him glory??

Oscar Wilde said "Be yourself, everyone else is already taken." I've always loved that, and felt it to be one of those unattainable pieces of wisdom people aspire towards vainly. Maybe it isn't an empty thought, though.....

New love and It Can't Be Monday. :)

Here's what I said to Nathan:

"I love you Dear, BUT, I've found someone new. His name is Art. He's younger than you, he never looks at other women, in fact, I'm the only woman that he lets touch him. He does whatever I ask him to, whether it's choping, mixing, shredding, slicing or pureeing. He's black, deliciously black and beautiful. He might get dirty working hard serving me, but I can just throw him in the dishwasher and he comes out shiny and clean. Last night I said to him "Cuisin, my love, how did I ever get along without you? You've made my life so much easier and more fun. Because of you, I can make soup, hummus, stirfry, lemon slices, focaccia dough, and a multitude of other wonderful things, all with mere seconds spent." No offense, Nate, but you could never be to me what Cuisin Art is. Don't worry, we're very happy to stay here with you. The three of us can be something beautiful."

So, yes, I am in love with my wonderful new food processor, a 14 cup Cuisinart. I got it on Friday. So far I've used it to make garlic and spinach stuffed twice baked potatoes, Jamaican tomato soup, stir fry, and tonight I'm making roasted red pepper hummus (which is fabulous with blue corn chips from Target., by the way). It's black chrome and super heavy. It shreds fresh herbs super fast, purees garlic and shreds beets, carrots, and anything else I want it to. It can also slice potatoes for chips, knead dough and is a snap to put together and clean. And, the best part, I got it on a HUGE sale, combined with a 30% off coupon which made it less than half the original price, and when I called Nate to ask him about it he said "Go for it!" without any equivocation. That was such a blessing! It's my early Mother's Day, Birthday, Anniversary gift. :)

In other news, this morning while Ian was doing his reading lesson, he turned to me and said "You know who I love more than anyone else in the whole entire world?" I was thinking it would be Bandit, or maybe Daddy, or Lily, his cousin. But no, he went on to say "It's you, Mama!" It was so sweet, and totally unprovoked, just a beautiful random Ian-ism. Like last week when I was reviewing his vowels with him and said "a-e-i-o-u" and he said "OOOOH, I-O-U, like 'I owe you a cow!'" Like this a commonly used phrase. Yeah. Most of the time his random wanderings are pretty out there and you don't know what he's talking about, but this time was wonderful. It totally made my day. Other things that made my day, in no particular order:

• Feeling the sun on my face outside with Claire this morning
• Having our first picnic of the year on our picnic table by the sandbox
• Watching the fat brave robins hopping and pecking out on my lawn
• Seeing the fencing in the back yard that Nate is going to put up so we can do a garden.
  
• Happy memories of last night, food and fellowship and fun with friends and family. fffffff
• Only having to spank Grace once so far today. (Seriously, this is good)
• Noticing George sign his Science paper "George the Magnificent."
  
• Looking forward to reading before bed tonight "On the Way Home", Laura Ingalls Wilder's journal on her trip to Missouri
• Hearing Ian zip through his reading lesson this morning, then later him telling me that what he learned in Science today was that "There are 12 foot long worms that live in South Dakota, um, I mean Africa."
  
• Eating leftover Jamaican Tomato Soup and GSTB potatoes
• Going over plural and proper nouns with George. English makes me happy.
  
• Doing a Hello Kitty puzzle with Grace
• Sauteed kale and mushrooms with my eggs this morning. It's amazing how much better I feel all throughout the day when I have kale for breakfast.
  
• Talking to my brother this morning, sharing jokes only he and I would understand and laughing til we cried
• Planning a trip to visit said brother and wife and wonderful sweet children, including my precious neph Egan, who called me a few weeks ago and said "Auntie, can you come to my birfday??" Who could say no to that??
• Seeing my boys make connections from Old Testament prophets to their lives now.
  
• Clean, fresh, flannel sheets on my bed
• Saying "Aahh" when walking into my clean bathroom, instead of my normal "Man, I really need to clean up in here!"
  

It's just been way too fun of a day to be a Monday, or rather, I suppose opening my eyes to the blessings around me makes me aware of the many gifts the Lord gives me on a continual basis.

Balance??

I'm not sure why my urge to blog has been so scarce lately. Perhaps it's just a symptom of where we are at right now. I don't feel like I have much time for anything extra, beyond school and all it entails and keeping up with the house. If it weren't for church and Awana, I don't think I would hardly ever leave my house. I'm certainly not complaining, I like it that way in some ways. I think God is just really refocusing my attentions on getting my schedule and schooling and interactions with the kids where they need to be, and it is a process! I am loving where we are at right now, loving teaching and helping them learn and watching them get excited about it all. I am loving all the snuggles I can get out of my not-so-little "baby" Claire-Bear. I am loving playing games with them, reading to them and starting new things with them. I am also really loving finding my new niche in cooking and giving healthy yummy meals to my family. We have changed so much in our diets, but I have never before enjoyed all the fun new ways to have things and the trying of new things.

So, I am so thankful for my life right now, but it seems that it is all enclosed within my four walls. Nate has even been going grocery shopping for me on Wednesday nights with Claire while the three bigs and I are at Awana. I keep getting little pricks of well, conviction is not the right word...maybe guilt? when I realize how inward focused I am getting. Not that taking care of my home and family is in any way wrong. I believe it is a Biblical mandate, but sometimes I am shocked to discover that I haven't called friends in weeks, that I haven't kept up with what other friends are doing, that it's been months since I have gotten together with friends. I think I am still trying to find a balance between being faithful to what the Lord has called me to at home, and also being faithful to be the friend I should be to the wonderful friends the Lord has blessed me with. I have a long way to go.

And now, on top of all that, I have been really itching to get back into a regular routine of exercise. I have so many times started out gung ho and energized and expecting so much of myself that burnout is just inevitable. I don't want to do that this time. I don't want to feel I have failed if I am not shaking with exhaustion when I get off the treadmill. I want to be satisfied with whatever few minutes I can devote to it and NOT make it more of a priority than it should be, while still giving the time and attention to it I need to. Again, finding a balance here is so hard for me. I have moments when I laugh at myself and think "How old are you? Have you not figured this out yet?!?!?" But in some ways, I think I had an easier time of it when I was younger. I never felt the weight of responsibility that I do now, nor the consequences of failure. Yet another thing I need to lay at the feet of the cross. I know the Lord holds the balance, the peace I am striving for. And yet, too often, turning to Him for help is a last resort, after I have fallen on my face, instead of an automatic impulse, being fully aware of my incompetence at the beginning.

Well, I must go corral the youngins' and get them fed. The boys still have their reading for the day to do and Bible. And maybe the girls will nap and I can walk on my treadmill for a little while?? We shall see. :)

Monday!

After having a mystery fever and dizziness and extreme exhaustion for three-ish days last week, then feeling great for two and a half days, only to get a 24 intestinal bug OR food poisoning, I am hoping, perhaps, to stay sick free for good now! Crossing my fingers and praying that I can be functional at least, and energy filled at best for the remainder of this week. I have a lot to do, including getting ready for our trip to the Dominican Republic in 6 days, catching up on laundry, growing bacteria in petri dishes, going over the parts of speech, reviewing the "er" and "ar" sounds with Ian, teaching reading with Grace, and I still haven't decided if I should start the boys on their new math books or let them have a longer break from them. Most of all, I just want to spend every minute I can loving on my kids and praying that our time away from them will not be hard on us all. I am excited for this trip, for what it means to Nathan, for the relaxation aspect of it, and for the alone time it will afford us. I have been praying for the incredibly brave and kind family that will be caring for the children while we are gone and I hope it will be a time of fun, somehow, for them all.

We went to El Charro yesterday for the first time in about 6 months, and I have a strong feeling that is where my stomach distress came from yesterday and this morning. I stuck to my vegan-ism, but definitely felt different when leaving. Speaking of veganism, I've found a wonderful website that has all sorts of great recipes. By now are you saying "What?? Vegan....what?!?!" Yes, I, we, have decided to transition to not eating animal foods. This has been coming in stages, and the feeling in both Nathan and I that our diet needs to change has culminated in our reading an amazing book, The China Study, by T. Colin Campbell. We are still in the transition phase and have some dairy stuff still in our house, but when it runs out, we are done. We will probably still have turkey on Thanksgiving, or eat animal products if we go somewhere, but for our house, for the majority of our diet, we are sticking to fruits, veggies, grains and nuts. In short, we're becoming plant eaters. And feeling good because of it. Nate has lost 7 pounds, I have lost 4. At first I really felt awful and thought this was a horrible idea, but besides the random flukiness of the two recent ailments, after a few weeks animal product free, I have recently begun feeling an energy I haven't felt in years. My asthma isn't bothering me, and I have even begun to think about running again. Nate says he has more energy than he knows what to do with, and we are both sleeping better. It has come quietly about that we are on this path now, and just seems to make so much sense for us. I am thankful for the knowledge the Lord has laid in our path, and hope it can contribute to a healthier future.

And it feels SOOO good to be on the same page as Nate on this. I never would have thought that my meat and potatoes husband would choose to do this, but he began it before I did, and is doing great on it. So, now I am in the process of trying to figure out how and what we should eat. Soup and salad and bread are wonderful, but I am looking to expand our horizons here. Today I printed out a recipe for Creamy Peanut Kale, which looks great. We have been consuming kale like crazy around here, after finding out how incredibly good for you it is (a star of the cruciferous family) and how dirt cheap it is...cheaper than green leaf lettuce and cheaper than iceburg sometimes. My current favorite is to saute it with fresh mushrooms and eat it on couscous, but I'm hoping the peanut recipe pans out. (pun intended, hehe) I also printed out vegan recipes for Cinnamon Raisin Scones, Roasted Beet Ravioli with Sage Pesto Sauce, and Hearty Tomato Soup. Something that has so increased my enjoyment of eating well is discovering the delights of combining fruits and veggies. I almost always have a sliced apple on my salad now, and have had delicious salads of sprouts, kale and mango, as well as shredded beet, shredded apple and greens. That burst of sweet flavor against the backdrop of an earthy crunch of cruciferous is just lovely. I really think my taste buds have become more sensitive. I was actually craving celery the other day. Celery!!! I never used to like celery, I thought it was tasteless and boring, but recently, it just explodes with crunchy, juicy flavor. Hummus has become another staple, and as much as Nate complains about my garlic breath, I can't get enough of it. I have discovered though that it is so not worth my time and the few cents it will save to rinse and soak and rinse and cook and cook and cook and rinse and set the garbonzo beans from dried, as opposed to opening a can and pureeing them for my hummus. There are some things that I don't mind doing the easy way! Dried beans are much cheaper, and getting into a routine of soaking them and cooking them I think will be in my future, for sure, but the garbonzos...canned for me, please!

The kids are doing well, getting over a little sniffle, but well for the most part. Ian has lost two teeth in front, and the one top left one is loose, which gives him a friendly, snaggle toothed appearance which sometimes makes me giggle. George's top two are growing in well, finally, although I just see dollar signs when I look at his mouth, I think we are in for some expensive dental work there. Speaking of George, I was just so proud of him this morning. I was feeling so wiped out, and he volunteered to make breakfast and lunch for everyone (he helped me) and reminded the kids to be quiet and was just so sweet. I am so thankful for my children and all their varied personalities. What a blessing to be able to be with them at this time in our lives. Speaking of the children, I should really go and be with them, the girls are up from their nap now and the boys nintendo time, although well earned from much picking up, needs to come to an end.

December already?!?

You know, there are so many times that I blog....in my head. :) And from the disparity in the date from this post to the last, you may infer that that's the only blogging that has been going on around here. Perhaps another reason I haven't written is that besides just plain business of life with four young children, when things are going swimmingly, I don't always feel the "need" to get it all down. This is an unfortunate result of my thinking patterns~ when I am struggling, I feel a conscious need to see my thoughts, perhaps translating them into words to find some meaning in the mayhem. BUT, when my life is so full of blessings, and the left part of my brain is functioning well, I can get by with mentally cataloging, and distance myself from the written word and get by without participating in it. And there is another reason for my semi-hiatus from the blogging world. As you can see, my last post was the day before my longed-for trip to Scotland. And then I was there, amidst it all, loving every minute, soaking it all in, and then we were home again. And I didn't want to admit that it was over, which writing about it in the past tense would indicate, and in a strange way, I felt that it was so special, so personal, I felt a reluctance to share my treasured memories of this once in a lifetime journey of discovery and fun and wonder that I took with my best friend. And now I am in the thick of the Christmas and Birthday season, caught up in a whirl of holidays and festivities and family and so happy to be here. But, I have finally been given the time, at the same time as I had the brain power and the children's cooperation, to write for a bit. This is all to say that "I am here, I am excited about sharing all that has gone on and I am planning on becoming more faithful to recording not only my angst and wonderings, but truly, my blessings, as this blog was created to expound upon." So, to the 2 or 3 people who read this, "Hi!!!!" or should I just say "Hi Tammy!!!" and I will be back soon, I promise!! :)

Sunday night!!

T-minus 2ish days til "The Trip". My laundry is done, my house is cleanish, my lists are made, my plans are made, the suitcases are out. Tomorrow I am buying wheat and honey and cat litter and dropping things off at the consignment store. Then I am doing my last packing and repacking and crossing things off lists and making new lists and remembering to pack what I forgot to put on the lists and forgetting to pack what is written in bold, underlined, and circled on the lists (hopefully not). Tuesday, Nathan will be HOME and we will go to the airport with four dressed up children (they want to be in disguise to surprise Grammy- I'll give you three guesses as to which giggly 4 year old thought up this idea) and pick up my mother. Then we will go over The Buchan Care Manual~ better known as "General Guidelines as to the feeding, care, and schedule of four miniature wild Buchans", settle the best mother in the world into her new home for the week and go to sleep (hopefully), then wake up and in the afternoon, go to the airport ourselves (or more accurately, talk someone into taking us to the airport) and then it will be upon us. The only snag in this plan is that I am still sick with a sinus and chest cold. I am doing everything you are supposed to do to get over things, and still it has lingered. I am just praying that it goes away and soon. And now, in the interest of my floundering immune system, I will go to bed, and try not to stay up too late reading "They shoot canoes, don't they?" :)

I should have written sooner...

......about the amazing, incredible, God-ordained beauty that is.......our trip to Scotland. You know, the trip we've dreamed about, thought about, planned out, had our hearts set on, thought would actually never REALLY come together or be possible??? Yup, that trip. Yup, we're going. I still feel a surreal sense of wonder when I say that. Many different factors went into the decision for us to go, including an insane sale on Airtran tickets that allowed us to buy my mom a ticket down here, and of course, her extremely generous willingness to come watch our wild children while we are gone; getting Claire's SS card finally, and being able to do our taxes and getting back almost twice what Nate had estimated (and this was just weird because usually he knows our finances to the penny, he was really surprised); getting some really great commission checks, having rewards money on credit card that covered car rental and gas, and several other really "Divine deals". But, what preempted all of that was some dear wise friends encouraging us to go see the movie UP. I know, you're thinking..."Uh, what does a Pixar movie have to do with going on a ridiculous vacation?" Well, go see the movie and then you'll see. Nathan said he wants to take me to "our Paradise Falls." :)

So, on August 12th, after my mother arrives on the 11th, we will board a plane in Atlanta and fly a bajillion hours to Edinburgh, by way of Amsterdam and arrive in the land of glen and loch and munro at about 10:30 in the morning. There, we will rent a car and I will laugh uproariously and also pray for safety as Nathan drives a stick shift on the wrong side of the road out of the city of Edinburgh. We will head north where we will eventually arrive at an undisclosed (to me) location after taking in several points of interest along the way. Nathan is doing this just like our honeymoon. I know we are going, but I won't know the actual details of the locations until we get there. He just keeps saying "Man, I really want to tell you about this.....but I won't." :P There we will spend three nights, going out every day to planned excursions which will include seeing lots of different castles, looking for long lost relatives in graveyards and kirk lists, among other things. We'll visit the battlefield of Culloden, where so many brave highlanders lost their lives in the doomed effort to follow Bonnie Prince Charlie to his throne and establish their independence from the sassenach English. Then we will drive to another bed and breakfast (this is my guess, I suppose we could be staying in a tent) for two nights, and I think from here we will travel to the Isle of Skye among many other amazingly beautiful places. Nathan really wants to watch the sun set over the ocean. Then travel south for another night somewhere else, planned excursions, and I think this will be the day we "bag our munro" (climb a small mountain), then farther south for our last night in accomodations, then back to Edinburgh, where we will party til late in the night because our flight leaves at 4ish in the morning. We return the 21st, which is actually the day of our 10th anniversary. We will touch back down on American soil at almost exactly the time we were wed a decade ago. While we are there we will also get our picture taken with Nessie (or at least the statue of her by the visitors center at Loch Ness) re-enact part of Monty Python and the Holy Grail, since it was filmed in Scotland ("Silly English Knnnnights!!") eat oatcakes, bannochs, scones, cullen skink and possibly even haggis, have a wee dram of some real Scottish whisky (no "e" in Scotland), and I will try my best to get a picture of Nathan in a kilt.

Also, amongst all the fun we will be having seeing and being in historic places, castles, bed and breakfasts, taking pictures, walking and all, of course we will be without our children. Now, this makes me take a breath, and have to really trust God, and settle my heart. I have never been away, and certainly not this far away, from my kids for this long. I am not worried for their safety or their enjoyment while we are gone, they couldn't be in better hands than my mother's. I need to mentally make the leap that this is okay before I go, though. I will miss them, and it will certainly be strange to be without them. On the other hand, though, besides 24 hours when Grace was a baby, this will be the first time that we will be alone, together, without me hugely pregnant, ever since we had kids. It makes me just stop and think and smile. IF I can get over the fact that we will be millions of miles (okay, it will just feel like that, I know) away from the children, I know we will enjoy it- just the beauty of being with each other, no one, nothing else to take care of or pay attention to than each other. And the fact that this is a celebration of the fact that the Lord has brought us through 10 years of marriage together. That is amazing to me. If I stop and reflect on that fact, I am just in awe of what the Lord has gotten us through, how He has grown us, through circumstances that neither of us ever would have chosen, let alone thought we could get through. And here we are, closer than we have ever been, about to embark on a new facet of our life together, and leaning on the Lord and thankful for all He has given us. What a blessing.

And now, completely apart from anything having to do with Scotland or anniversaries, I wanted to copy something my wise English friend Zoe posted on Facebook today. She is a veritable fountain of knowledge of old, beautiful prayers and blessings, and here is another one. I will leave you with this:

A Franciscan Benediction:

May God bless you with discomfort

At easy answers, half-truths, and superficial relationships

So that you may live deep within your heart.

May God bless you with anger

at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people,

So that you may work for justice, freedom, and peace.

May God bless you with tears

to shed for those who suffer pain, rejection, hunger and war,

So that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and to turn their pain into joy.

And may God bless you with enough foolishness

to believe that you can make a difference in the world,

So that you can do what others claim cannot be done

to bring justice and kindness to all our children and the poor.

Amen Amen Amen

Thankful for the body of Christ I am a part of

There are a lot of things going on in my life right now, but today, I just wanted to write a responce to an article that I read online. Here is the link to the article:

http://www.leadingsmart.com/leadingsmart/2009/06/hey-churchtheyre-just-not-that-into-you.html

When I first read this, my initial thought was "That's not how church is" But then I stopped and smiled and realized AGAIN, how incredibly blessed I am to be a part of the body of believers I call my church family. Because for most of my life, that WAS how church was, that is how church is to so many. Three weeks ago, our pastor preached a sermon on law and grace, and talked about this: "the list" that keeps Christians feeling like they constantly have to be striving, not measuring up, not succeeding, and how that is not what Christ had in mind for us. We should be serving, we should be loving and involved, but as an outpouring and result of love for the Lord, not fear of not living up to standards put in place by fallible humans.

Part of what drew us to our church 6 years ago was the atmosphere of love, which we had experienced before, but only as a draw to get us to sign up for "the list". What keeps us drawn to our church family was seeing for the first time that this love was genuine. We were loved just as much if we didn't make it to Wednesday night service, or sign up to work in Awana, or head up a hospitality group. There was no condemnation, there was no guilt, there was no looking down at us. We realized that the pastor meant it when he talked about personal accountability to the Holy Spirit (instead of him trying to fill that role as so many pastors we had known tried to do). He preaches unabashedly straight Scripture, not Scripture with our denominational or cultural traditions thrown in.

What this translates into is our praying for other churches in the community, instead of comparing ourselves to them. It means we pray, and trust the Lord, and watch the building fund grow exponentially before our eyes, knowing that it was the Lord Who grew it, not the guilt induced offerings of a congregation made to feel that giving=sanctification, and now we are about to have our building dedication, debt-free every step of the way.

It means there are no critical looks if someones dress doesn't meet "church" standards of modesty or fashion- we are encouraged to love as Jesus loved us, and we know that what's in the heart is what matters. There is just not much focus on the outward appearance, although if you were to stop and take stock, you would see "modestly" dressed people, some with head coverings, some in jeans, some in expensive outfits. I was reminded again this last week how peculiar our church is in our outlook. I went to visit a friend and our kids went to the little daycamp at her church next door. We were sitting talking to the pastor and his wife. My friend and the pastor's wife were discussing clothes they were going to wear at camp the next week- this was obviously an important topic that they talked about a lot. Then the pastor came over and tugged at his wife's past knee length shorts and said something to the effect of "watch it, your knees were showing." Until that moment in the day, I had only thought about my clothing when I put it on in the morning and subconsciously decided it was modest and looked fine. As soon as I assimilated the conversation going on around me, a flood of memories came back to me- of being in church and Christian college atmospheres where the hem of your skirt and the cut of your shirt determined how "holy" you were and you constantly felt either guilty for not measuring up, or prideful if you were beyond the standard.

And I think that mindset is what is induced when you hold "the list" as equal with Scripture- either you feel guilty that you are not able to meet the requirements of attendence and service, or you feel a false sense of accomplishment and judgmental pride, comparing yourself with others who haven't checked off as many boxes as you have. There is no serving with love, because you are not serving the person of Christ- you are serving an artificial god, that can never really be appeased, because even if you kill yourself trying to fulfill every part of a list of things that will make you a "good Christian", you will eventually fail and feel guilty. Truly serving Christ means learning from Scripture and listening to the Holy Spirit, and letting Him lead you into the service He lays on your heart. Unfortunately, serving Christ and serving "the church" (by this, I mean the leadership and fundamentals of many denominations, not the body of Christ, as 'the church' should mean) are not always the same in our culture and society. I know too many churches, too many believers whose attention to the Holy Spirit within them and the Scripture they hold in their hands is being obscured by the demands of the church leadership they are under. They are being taught that church attendence=spirituality, and how you dress=sanctification, adherence to the guidelines=holiness.

It seems that church leadership is turning into a priesthood, holding the keys to absolution, and the power of guilt and condemnation. They are trying to lead through inducing fear and guilt, instead of what Christ intended- the individual priesthood of the believer, which leads to a desire to serve out of love for the Lord and fellow believers. I see our church as proof that you can accomplish all the objectives of "the list" (church attendence, service, accountabilty) by letting the Lord lead, by preaching Scripture and adherance to it, by focusing on love and humility, and not on pride or guilt. The list should not be the objective, it should be the natural result of the fruit of the living in the Spirit by letting him lead, and it won't always look like what you have in mind. The Lord did not redeem us to make us robots, my service to the Lord will not look like yours.

I think it's a subtle shift in mentality that makes the difference here, and you can see the results of it. On the "list" side, the focus in on outward adherance to things- your attendance, your dress, your involvement. On the other side, it's the condition of your heart, your motives, and a peace that comes from knowing that you are accountable to the Lord, and He is Who you are living and serving to please, in fellowship with those of like minded faith.

I'm here. I'm struggling, but I'm hopeful. Nate and I had a long talk the other night that I was thankful took place. I am blessed to be married to a man that supports me and loves me, even if he doesn't understand me all the time. For that matter, I don't understand myself all the time. I believe I am pretty much over my kidney infection, a week of antibiotics done and no more fever and not much pain. I still feel just drained and tired, but I am thankful to be better.

Ian's birthday is in a couple of weeks, and he has decided that he wants to have a Dinosaur Party! I don't feel up to the task, but I am excited to make this birthday special for him. I already have some ideas for games and food and a cake. We will listen to the CD and read "Skippy Jon Jones and the Big Bones" and have a "fossil hunt" in the sand box, and some sort of scavenger hunt. I hope I can make it fun for him. He's really excited.

My mom might come to visit in July and we would go down to see Dave and Audra in Florida. I really hope this works out. Nate even said fine without even figuring out exactly how much it would all cost.

I will write more another time. Running out of steam......need coffee........ :P

I was just going to start blogging last night when Nate got home at about 10. It was strange to see him come in the door not in his collared work shirt and khaki pants, but in a dirty t-shirt and clay encrusted jeans and work boots. I said, with my tongue in my cheek, "Who are you? My husband is a *manager*, surely he doesn't do work that gets him this dirty!" We both laughed, because we know that even though technically his job title is "Retail Manager", overseeing the running of the five stores, (as well as being the purchasing, inventory and warehouse manager, marketing and advertising man, IT and phone repair man, complaints department, angry customer pacifier and problem solver extraordinaire, accounting and payables supervisor, above-ground pool seller and construction coordinator, and hot tub salesman and delivery man), a lot of his time is spent doing work that he knows other people either don't have time to do, or they don't have official sanction to work as many hours as he does. That's why he was pouring concrete at 6 yesterday morning and fixing a pool filter at 9 last night, and inbetween those doing a bunch of other things that left him dirty, sunburned and exhausted. Sounds like no fun, but I actually thinks he enjoys those types of days more than when he is filling his more traditional roles. Last week he spent half a day organizing and cleaning a warehouse at one of the stores. The store manager said "You shouldn't be doing this type of work- you're the boss!" (Basically this person was just annoyed with him for "messing up" their system, which consisted of half open boxes every two feet all over the floor) Nate assured the manager that a lot of the work he did wasn't technically in his job description, but it had to be done, and he could do it. And while he didn't need his degrees in Accounting or Business Management to break down boxes and sweep a dirty floor, sometimes that's the best use of his talents for that time. The guy who was helping Nate was very amused by the fact that the vertically challenged complaining store manager insisted that no one would be able to reach the products if Nate put them up on the warehouse shelves where they belonged, since they had no ladder.....and lo and behold, after cleaning up the dirty mess of boxes in one corner of the warehouse, Nate found the ladder.

Even though there are times, (okay, many times) when I fight feelings of resentment over Nate's dedication to his job, I really am proud of him for the humble servant leadership he displays. He never angrily berates his employees or store managers (even though there are times when I so would have), he never just puts off on someone else what he could reasonably do himself, he listens to their venting, complaining, and just talking, and tries to encourage them and help them if he can. He goes the extra mile (or 10) to insure that the customers he deals with are taken care of, fufilling the verse that says "As much as it depends on you, be at peace with all men". Other verses come to mind as well, such as "Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might." and "Whatever you do, do it unto the Lord and not unto men." and "Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus...but made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant..." There have been times when employees have maligned him and overtly counterminded his directions, and the owner took their side, and still Nate fulfilled this verse "Do all things without complaining and arguing." After venting his very understandable frustration to me, a few days later in tears told me that he had been really convicted and the Lord really spoke to him with this verse "Love your enemies, bless them who curse you, do good to them who hate you, and pray for them who despitefully use you and persecute you." After telling his employer the facts of the situation, he never said an ill word to anyone in the company about the person who had "despitefully used" him. I think the whole situation made me angry and have evil thoughts on his behalf way more than it did him. He is genuinly surprised every year when the employees get together and give him a gift and card. (Of course, I think everyone in the company should pledge him their undie-ing servitude for life, but that's just me) I am so proud to be married to this man who has spent his last 8 years being such a good example of these Biblical commands in his workplace. The time and attention he has given, the hours sacrificed, the thought and effort and love he has poured into the company has earned him money, and in some cases respect and appreciation, but only God has seen the extent of his devotion, and I pray God rewards him for that. I wish I could take back all the times I was less than rewarding after just missing him so much from him being gone.

I remember when I first realized that I loved this man, it was a morning in early November, over a decade ago. I was reading my Bible before meeting Nate for breakfast before our first period classes. I found my mind wandering to our time together the evening before, just hanging out and laughing as friends. All of a sudden I just felt this calm, reasoned realization wash over me, as if I opened my eyes and realized I was standing in the midst of a still lake. It was not a head over heels, "I have to be with this person or I will just die" kind of feeling, or a physical desire for him. It was just the quiet realization that I wanted the absolute best for him and that I would do anything in my power for the rest of my life to make sure of that, even if it meant we were not together. It was not in any way the kind of "love" I had ever experienced or felt, or even imagined. I just knew, for certain that I wanted to help him and bless him and love him in this way as much as I could, and it really didn't have anything to do with whether or not he loved me at all. Looking back on this now, I know this was from the Lord, and that the power to love Nate truly in this way can only come from the Lord. There have not been many times when I have been able to live up to this, but I know my highest and best times of being a blessing to my husband have been motivated by and strengthened with the love that can only come from the Lord. Ironically enough, this love that I so rarely attain, and yet strive for is what I am named. The love that comes only from the Lord, the love that He loves all of us with, is agape, or charity. Read I Corinthians 13 in the KJV- that's what I am named for.

And what does all of this "love talk" have to do with how proud I am of my husband? Well, as I said before, there have been times when I have resented his devotion to his job and felt like he loved his work more than he loved me. Let's be honest, there have been times when I have complained to anyone who would listen about poor beleagured me, stuck home alone, basically single parenting little kids, being ignored, unloved, unappreciated, blah, blah, blah. But the truth is, Nate's God-ordained devotion to the job God provided for him has been one of the biggest things the Lord has used to teach me about true love and devotion, both mine, and my husbands', and the Lords'. What I have learned about my own love is that it is too often shallow, self-centered, and brittle. (see rant above) But, the Lord has been teaching me, oh so patiently, through these years, to let go a little bit more and to get a little closer to that first vision of love that the Lord gave me that November morning. To go through I Cor. 13 with this in mind, If I am truly Biblically loving my husband, than I will be patient when I am sitting lonely in my house full of sleeping children at night, I will be kind when he comes in the door too exhausted to do anything but eat and sleep. I will not be jealous when I hear of his giving and helping and laughing with his employees. I will not put myself forward or arrogently argue that he should be home helping me, loving me, etc. I will not throw a grown-up temper tantrum when he has to be gone even on a Sunday to do a homeshow. I will not be provoked to sin by feeling slighted or unappreciated. I will not keep a record of past offenses, or assume that he's just having a grand time at work and doesn't really want to be home. I will not rejoice at the unrighteousness of the thought of cursing out anyone who does not appreciate the sacrifice of MY husband's time away from me, and I will rejoice in the truth that Nate should be working as hard as he does in order to Biblically and responsibly fulfill all that the Lord (not his employer) has given him to do at this time in our lives. I will bear all things, even not having an hour of "me-time" away from my kids in months. I will believe all things, even when the jealous wife inside me wants to assign some evil motive to my husband's actions. I will hope all things, even that the Lord will someday change the circumstances and fulfill the vision He gave Nate over a year ago of the boundary between work and home being a doorway, and not being 93 hours away from home in a 6 day workweek. I will endure all things, even uncertainty about the future and waiting on the Lord to fulfill His promises, as He always does. I know that I can do all these things, because this kind of love never fails- it is not in me, it is only from the Lord. I can't do any of this, I don't want to do any of this, if I am relying solely on my heart to generate the power for this, but I don't have to.

What I have learned about the Lord's love in this time is that it is He, not my husband, Who has the power to fulfill all the emotional needs He created me with. It is God, not Nate, Who should have all my cares cast upon Him, because He cares for me. I have learned that it is only a loving God Who will lead me through a valley of loneliness to realize that He really is the One I have been lonely for. How would I have realized the depth of my need for the Lord if I had my husband around always to partially quench that need? Now, I am certainly not saying that for a person to truly understand the love of the Lord, they need to be deprived of the love of others. Not at all. All I'm saying is that my heart could more readily learn this lesson in this circumstance that the Lord specifically gave me, knowing as He does, my heart. Unfortunately, I am just not one of those people who learn something once and never forget it. My mind wanders, I forget, I take my eyes off the One Who sustains me, and then wonder why I am not being sustained. (See previous post for proof of my foolish, wandering heart.) So, it is affirming to write what the Lord has done, how His mercies, new every morning, are what really give me joy and life, and enable me to do what the Lord has called me to do, which includes being joyfully proud of the man He has called me to love, and so thankful for the path He has called me to walk.

I'm.....I really don't know. Many words come to mind, but not many of them are pleasant, so should I really be dwelling on them? Probably not. Maybe I should just stick to the facts, and leave how I'm feeling well out of it all. How about bullets? That way I don't have to think of cohesive paragraph structure! :)

• The Lord is really working on me in the area of balance. I tend to go too "gung ho" into things and then end up exhausted and failing, or I assume that only doing a little of something just isn't good enough so why do it at all? This is not healthy thinking and I am striving to change it, in many areas.
• My grandmother's 80th birthday is coming up. I so wish I could go to the party they have planned for her.
• Nathan clocked 85 hours this week. Of course, this doesn't count his 45 minute commute either side of that every day. Our interactions are very short, and I have a hard time even knowing what to say to him. Mostly I am trying just to let him talk for the few minutes awake he is home and be supportive.
• Technically we have 6 days of school left to fulfill the state's requirements. I am going to give George a break from English workbooks for awhile when he finishes the ones he is on, but we will keep doing math and other things through the summer.
• Right now we are reading Stories of the Pilgrims, The second Boxcar Children book, and George and I still have a few chapters left to Swiss Family Robinson. We gave that a break for a few weeks while reading some other things.
• On my own, I am reading some Maeve Binchy brain cake novels, and just finished a "midquel" to a series I read for the first time about 20 years ago. The author of this series seemed so bright and clever and absorbing when first I read him, but as I have gotten older he now seems pedantic and predictible. I am so familiar with his reading style I can read him faster than other books. For some reason, I feel compelled to read everything he writes, even thought half the time I am rolling my eyes at him.
• Someone knocked my mailbox clean off into the ditch yesterday. I had a really hard time not just kicking it the rest of the way to pieces when I saw it yesterday afternoon. It seemed like a good vent of my frustration, but I did hold it in. I'm just glad the person responsible for it wasn't there when I discovered it.
• I am really working on trying to more encouraging with the kids, especially George. If I am not REALLY paying attention to it, then I end up correcting him way more than I am praising his good behavior, which really, is most of the time. I need to really get my positive comments to outweigh the negative.
• I watched a John Wayne western last night in which John Wayne actually dies!!!! This is, of course, against the natural order of the universe, and just upset me more than it should have. Of course, I do realize that he is actually dead, (and I have it on a good source, in Heaven!) but I just prefer my mental image of the Duke riding safely into the sunset in a cloud of dust.
• And I was reminded again how freakishly similar John Wayne's voice is to that of Eeyore.
• I think every major muscle group in my body is sore right now, despite a long soak in my hot tub last night. I am happy this is so, for it means I am exercising regularly again. I am trying to include this in my quest for moderation, and not go so overboard that I burn myself out.
• I miss my mother. I wish she lived just around the corner and we could visit a few times a week. Just sit down and have a cup of coffee together.
• I am praying, looking, waiting, hoping and praying some more for a new job for Nathan. I'm glad the Lord has that all figured out.
• I have been looking and looking for some casual summer dresses. Of course, this is not in any way a need, just a rather fervent want that would be convenient and really nice. After months of searching at every thrift and consignment and even (gasp!) real store, I have concluded that perhaps they just do not exist. I sure have had no luck in finding any.
• I am thrilled to say that my oldest son is now a complete expert on making a half a pot of brewed coffee and putting just the right amount of sinful flavored creamer in and bringing it to me. That right there is worth 10,000 negative comments being never uttered. Truly, he is such a special boy. I am proud of him, and even more important, I think he is proud of himself. He's such a blessing, even if he didn't bring me coffee. :)
• In my quest to fit into my wedding dress by August 21st, I have quit eating after 8 pm. I think this is actually helping. At least I feel a bit better in the morning. And being on an exercise schedule forces me to be on a better eating schedule of healthy food- if you don't feed the machine, it won't run for you.
• I watched "Dan in Real Life" this week again. It's one of those movies that gets better the more you watch it. Not that there aren't a few bits of it that I don't fast forward through, but the movie's story is sweet in a sad way and I really like it.
• I have bought a few little things for Nate's birthday, but I couldn't find what I really wanted and am frustrated thinking that he won't even care about what I have gotten. I just feel so disconnected from him right now, it's hard to think of what the best thing for him would be. I have never actually given him a present that he really, truly loved, I don't think. Usually, he's either satisfied with its usefulness or questioning its cost. He is a hard man to buy for. He told me he wants a job listing. And oh, how I wish I could give him that.....
• I need a drink. Of water. Since Nate won't let me have vodka in the house.
• I am getting tired of everyone hinting and saying and maybe thinking and not saying that I need to get on the ball and potty train Claire. And I'm more tired of the fact that that even bothers me. While I seem pretty independant, that doesn't mean I am not internally affected by what I perceive to be others opinions of me and my actions. I can not commit to what it would take to potty train a completely uninterested child at this time. If I had no other children, this would be different. If I did not homeschool, this would be different. If I did not care if it turned into a battle of the wills power struggle, this would be different. If I were not utterly exhausted from being responsible for every thing that goes on in my home because my husband is home about 7 hours out of every 24, this would be different. But, I am where I am right now and it really doesn't bother me that my baby is still in diapers. I think it bothers me more that I know people think ill of me for that- and that is where *I* need to change. I am only accountable to the Lord for the raising of my children. I just wish I could remember that all the time.
• There are days I want to pack us all up and get in the car and just drive away. Many days.
• I am glad I am not pregnant, but these almost labor like cramps are really wearing me down right now.
• I know there are many women out there who would be terribly offended to hear me say I am glad I am not pregnant. I wish them all the babies the Lord wants them to have, and for them to understand that my desire not to have any more is not rooted in disregard or dislike for children, but in great regard and unfathomable love for the ones the Lord has already blessed me with.
• I know I said I would try to keep my feelings out of this, but this is my blog, after all, and I'll cry if I want to....or rather....get a massive headache from trying so hard not to cry.
• I feel unquenchably, unendingly lonely. Not that I crave the presence of other people. I am incredibly blessed to be able to spend my days with four of the best people I have ever known. I am just being made very aware right now of those places in my heart that no one has ever touched and I don't even know how to begin to let anyone into them, or if I want to. Of course, this is in great part due to Nathan's absence, but even in his presence there are so many times when the walls are left up, the invisible defenses impenetrable, and the real me behind the stone, wondering if I will die here.
• I know that sounds terribly bereft, and of course, begs the question "Is not God there with you?" which is what I strive to remind myself of everyday. I know in my head that He is, but knowing that in my heart takes more effort than I am up to some days.
• I will not end with that thought......
• I am going to watch "The Quiet Man" tonight while folding laundry. At least I know John Wayne isn't going to die in that one.
• I told the boys they could stay up "late" tonight if they napped this afternoon. I hear Ian kicking the wall on his bed right now, as I have for the last hour.
• My wonderful father in law has mowed my lawn for me 3 weeks in a row now. They are such a blessing to me. Last Saturday, they even took all the kids for a few hours in the evening so I could get some grocery shopping and housework done. It was SOOO nice to be able to do that.
• I bought lemons to go in my water. I love this.
• Okay, is that enough? I should really go get something productive done...Or maybe eat something, now that I am starting to feel a little funny.

Thursday

I just exercised for the first time in about 2 weeks. The pain in my chest has subsided greatly, for which I am very thankful. I suppose I should chronicle that I was diagnosed with chostocondritis a few weeks ago. I never thought ice on my chest would actually feel good, but it has. And I am happy not to have to do it anymore. It's amazing to me how long it takes for my muscles to become awakened and engaged in everyday motion. Only after weeks of consistent use do I reach this state- which is the beginning of where I would like to be, and yet it takes only days to revert back to feeling um, well, I don't know how to describe it exactly, but just like I normally do if I am not exercising regularly. The awareness of my muscle groups, of how my body bends and flexes and strengthens is not a state I have consistently been in for many years. I can remember it, and I yearn for it to become my norm again, but it sure takes a lot of work to sustain, and only a little slacking off for it to dissipate. Anyway, I am thankful to be able to exercise a bit again today.

I picked up an old paperback for 50 cents at a thrift store. I thought it looked interesting. I was mostly just amused by the words of praise over the title, which read "The most powerful and magical high spiritual adventure since The Teachings of Don Juan." The name of the book is The Tracker by Tom Brown Jr. It's about this man's childhood in the woods of New Jersey, and the education in tracking and nature of him and his best friend Rick by Rick's grandfather, Stalking Wolf. My heart has always been at peace in the woods and I loved reading this book about the intricate patterns of nature and animals and birds and how with patience and dedication, these patterns become observable, and finally prominent to the eye.

I read a wide variety of books, some historical fiction, some ridiculous science fiction, some literary classics, some just what I like to call "Brain Cake". Sometimes I read a book and am just fascinated by the characters, how different they are from me, and how I could never or would never do what they do. But some books resonate with me, and a part of my soul just knows that I could, in another life perhaps, have done and enjoyed the same things that these people have done. This book was like that. Not that I certainly could have attained the level of skill that this man did, but I would have enjoyed the education and the path that he started on. Of course, I have a completely different perspective. Mr. Brown talks abut the "spirit that moves in all things" and "omens" and things like that, and I know that it is God that moves in all things and His hand that guides His creation. Still, I enjoyed the book, and it had several great little nuggets of truth in it. In one chapter, Tom is detailing his and Rick's survival "tests", set up by Stalking Wolf to help them see what they were capable of.

He says "A limitless commitment to learning was less important than knowing the limits we had and what they were. Our training was a matter of defining our limits to ourselves as well as a way of sharpening our skills.....We only learn our limits by testing them. Given adequate water, it takes a month to starve to death in a book, but there are practical limits as well as theoretical ones. There is a point after which hunger either takes up the whole of your mind or becomes insignificant. We fasted until we found that after the second day it gets easier and easier, until you come to a point where you know the only thing that could stop your fast would be the bodily decay that comes with death. We learned two things from our tests, the limits of our power and the limits of our will. One was a measurement of our skill and the other was the measurement of our personality. If we were in the woods and without food, we knew how long that fact would make us uncomfortable and how long before it would affect what we could do. We always knew how long before we would have to think in survival terms and that thinking allowed us to function normally in what would have seemed like life-or-death situations to anyone else. Most people underestimate their abilities because they never had a chance to test their limits."

I so agree with that last statement. Not in terms of survival in the woods, but just in everyday life. I know I, and so many people I know, so often freak out when x, y, or z happens, thinking that we can just never withstand this testing from the Lord. Or we hear of someone going through something and think "I could just never do that." But, I know people who have gone through times in their lives when their first thought waking up every morning was the knowledge that this was probably their last day on earth. And yet, by the grace of God, they still did function, and loved their families, and praised their Father, and got through to the other side. Now, I have never been in any situation like that, thus far. But even the small pressure of the paths the Lord has brought me down, I remember people just rolling their eyes at and saying "I just don't know how you do it, I could just never have been throwing up pregnant and nursing and have had 1, 2, 3 (fill in the blank) toddlers to take care of." Or "I could just never handle having a husband that's gone 80 hours a week" Comments like these always puzzled me. As if I had chosen these as the best possible variations of life, OR as if I could have done anything to change them simply by refusing to accept them as what God had for me. It always seemed so ridiculous to me that numerous people found these circumstances just "unbearable" when they didn't know if God would have it in His plan to give them much more trying circumstances. I know I have found myself thinking these same thoughts, though. A friend's husband was deployed to Iraq two years ago and she was a single mom for a year and a half. Another lady I know loved and loved and loved her unsaved husband, trying to show him the joy in the Lord she had found, and he cheated on her and left her and took her children from her. I found myself saying "I could never have handled that." But, who knows what the Lord has in store for me or for any of us? I don't think it is for us to say what we can or can not handle, but simply to do our best with the path the Lord has us on right now.

Tom Brown went on to say "A lot of people panic in the woods because they think they are facing impossible obstacles. Almost universally, those people who have survived impossible circumstances did not panic and found that they could survive far beyond what they normally thought of as their limits. We knew what our limits were, and we knew that there was probably a reserve behind them that would only come out when the crisis was for real." I think in life, sometimes the Lord tests us, not to just make us feel overwhelmed, but to prepare us for a situation that will require the patience and contentment we will only acquire by going through that test. I remember when I was pregnant with Grace and trying to take care of Ian and George, thinking back to when I only had George, or when I was pregnant with Ian. At those times, I thought things were so hard, and there were days when I cried out to the Lord, saying "I can't handle this." and yet, with His help, I did. It made things seem not so hard as some people seemed to believe they were. And there have been many, many days since then that have been exponentially harder. I remember the first time I went shopping with all four kids. It was a disaster. I thought it would never be any better and that we would all just starve to death, because I couldn't physically make it through a grocery shopping trip with my children. And now, while it's certainly not easy, and I don't enjoy it (by a long shot), we do it all the time. And we haven't starved yet. I had a friend comment to me a while ago, after calling and me saying that I was just laying down on the couch while the kids did puzzles on the floor, that she never would have given herself permission to lay down while her kids were awake. For me, though, after being throwing up pregnant and physically unable to keep my eyes open while taking care of my kids more times than I'd like to recall, I learned that it is possible to lay down and still have your children survive. When you have no other choice in something, it forces you to realize that "acceptable conditions" has a much wider range than you previously thought. I remember thinking it was just "unacceptable" when my husband was gone 60 hours a week. I remember just feeling so sorry for myself and thinking how unfair it all was to me. Right. And now I know it is a ministry to my husband to love and support him no matter how much he has to work. I have learned that I can survive and thrive and be a blessing in conditions much "worse" than I previously thought to be the limit of my small ability to handle. And maybe that was the limit, I have just learned (am continuing to daily learn) that there are many things that can only be handled with the Lord's help and strength. I am reminded of one of my favorite verses "His strength is made perfect in weakness." I should be thankful that the Lord has given me such amazing weakness so that His strength has so much chance to be perfected in my life.

So anyway, to complete my thoughts on the book, I found it satisfying on many levels- it delved into some of the mysteries of nature, which I loved, and it reminded me of things the Lord has been teaching me lately. I am thankful the Lord remembers my short attention span, He is so good to continually remind me of things He is teaching me.

And now for some gems from Ian:

"Wow, Heaven sounds better than a small Chinese restaurant!!" I just wish I could see what exactly this means in his mind.

Holding a lego contraption with a gun at one end "Braver, Faster....Shootier!!"

Holding a package of Swedish fish "Do the people who made this just love to lie and be naughty and don't know God?" "Uhhh," I answered, "I don't know, Ian, why would you think they love to lie?" "Well, you know, they try to make you think that this is a fruit snack and is healthy, but really it's made of sugar and it's not fruitful or healthful!"

Putting on pajamas with no characters on them, just a plain shirt and shorts "Hey, everybody, look at me, I'm a MAN!! I have on MAN pajamas!"

With a Star Wars shirt and (unmatching) Star Wars pajama pants on "Hey Mama, I'm Star Wars flage!" "Uhhh," I answered, "What?!?" "You know, when I have on my camo shirt and pants, I'm camo flage, (two words) so now I'm Star Wars flage!"

Looking at greeting cards at Target today, he unfortunately saw a card with a "Caution" sign on the front with a crude stick drawing and the words "dangerous gas" on it, which of course, George read very loudly. Ian went on to (loudly, of course) say "Dangerous gas!! I bet Daddy's going to get that at his work, and Grandpa gets dangerous gas all the time, because he fixes cars and George, do you think we'll ever have dangerous gas???"

And with that lovely thought, I will close this long overdue blog post. :)

Ian

Maybe my children watch too much Veggie Tales. Tonight, Ian was getting frustrated with himelf because he wasn't able to fit a puzzle together as well as he wanted to, or as fast as Grace, whom the puzzle was facing. He said "I'm not good at puzzles anymore, I'm just not good." So, I tried to encourage him by saying "Ian, that's not true, God made you special.." To which he interrupted "..and He loves you VERY much...Goodbye!" Which, of course, is what Bob and Larry say at the end of every Veggie Tales episode. Ian and I both laughed, and I reminded him that he was very good at puzzles and that God DID make him special and God doesn't make anything bad. He made Ian just the way He wanted Him to be. There are days when it is hard for me to remember this, when I am tired of reminding him for the seventh time in 10 minutes what he is supposed to be doing, when we start his reading lesson for the day and he has no memory of what he was rattling off with ease the day (or the hour) before. Or when he gets frustrated with himself for not being able to do something he usually can (like the puzzles) and just bursts into tears. Times when we are in the middle of Wal-mart and he has tried to slowly explain what he's trying to get across to his squabbling siblings 3 times and finally just starts hitting his head in emotional distress because he doesn't know what to do to be heard.

Sometimes I will be going over something with him that I have explained a hundred (it feels like) times and in the middle of it, he raises one finger and with a look of genuine perplexity says "Excuse me, but what does 'obey' mean?" There are times when I am afraid I have held him accountable to more than he is capable of, and look back in tears to those times when we punished him over and over and over for things that we thought surely he was doing intentionally, but now I wonder, did he really just have no memory of the 3 minutes prior when I told him to stop whatever it was he started doing again? I don't know. Some days I do hold him less accountable, only to see the next day that he is taking advantage of the fact that he isn't required to do what his younger sister is. And some days, I know, he isn't capable of doing what his younger sister is accountable to do every day. But, some days, he is capable of so much more.

I don't know what to expect from him. I don't know when he wakes up in the morning whether he has any memory of the things we did or said the day before, and yet, when asked to describe the first thing he remembers, he says in a calm voice "Well, it was when I was in your belly, and my head...um, (here he pushes his hands down on the top of his head) I was trying to get out, and there was something sticking to my belly button." The other night I was talking about something that happened when George was a baby and Ian said "Where was I?" "You weren't born yet." George said. Then Ian got a thoughtful look on his face and said "Oh, yeah, that was when I was still in Heaven." "What did you do in Heaven?" I asked. "Well, I was just talking to God and eating fruit and stuff." Ian answered. "What did the fruit taste like?" I asked, trying not to smile, "You know, apples and pears and things like that." "And what did you talk about with God?" "Mama, it was a really long time ago, I don't really remember." Of course.

You might think that he is just a silly and imaginative child who likes to make things up, but if you knew Ian, you would know that he would probably fall under the category of "not clever enough to be deceitful." It wouldn't occur to him to make up anything that he would try to pass off as truth. I'm inclined to believe he does remember being born, and also inclined to believe that he doesn't really remember where he put the book he had in his hand five minutes previous. Of course, there are benefits to his short memory, including overwhelming gratefulness. A few weeks ago, he got dressed, came out in a shirt he had worn dozens of times and said "Wow, Mama, thanks for the new shirt!!" Everyday is a new experience of wonder and fun for him, glimmers of things he has done dancing only in the periphery of his consciousness, while his brother and sister are on the edge of boredom from the same activity repeated over and over. Although he might sometimes be the first to get his feelings hurt, he is always the first to forgive, and never holds a grudge, picking up the hurtful offender in a bear hug and saying "It's okay, I forgive you!" Sometimes his exuberant affection for everyone does get him in trouble, since he forgets that Claire is no longer a baby he can pick up and cuddle, or stroke her cheek without her trying to swat him away. The cat has become very tolerant of too tight hugs and being craded like a baby in the blue blanket Ian is hardly ever without.

He is forgiving, and he is giving. Last week, he told me he had a big secret he had to whisper in my ear, and told me in hushed tones with wide eyes that when he goes to Toys R' Us with his birthday money, he's going to buy George the Anakin Star Fighter Lego set that George almost bought on his birthday, but decided on another set instead. And seriously, he will get just as much joy out of this as if he were to buy it for himself. Not that some days he wants to share his favorite stick with his sister or let George have the coolest Lego guns, but he is usually the first one to think of giving something to someone, and then he can hardly contain his excitement to do it. Last year for Nate's birthday I went shopping here, there, and everywhere to find the man a bike I could afford. We finally found one, then were in Wal-Mart a few days later and found an amazing deal on a tent, too. The kids were repeatedly reminded not to tell Daddy about his presents, an injunction that George sees as a life and death situation and Grace could care less, but Ian, I think, tries so hard to remember what it is he's not supposed to tell that sometimes he forgets that he's NOT supposed to tell. For some reason, a few days before Nate's birthday and a few days after we had bought the tent we all were at Wal-Mart together. We all go shopping together probably 3 times a year, so this was unusual. Of course, Nate wanted to look at the camping stuff, and I knew when we went over there that one of the kids was probably going to point out to Nathan that we were just here and what we got for him. I could see George making frantic (indecipherable) shushing motions to his siblings as we rolled the cart into the aisle. Ian just kept the biggest grin on his face and didn't say anything at first. I was beginning to think we'd glide out of there with the surprise still intact, until all of a sudden Ian pipes up with "Daddy, we got THAT tent....and a BIKE...for SOMEONE ELSE'S Birthday!" With this, he looks at me and says in a whisper loud enough for the whole department to hear "Mama, didn't I do a good job not telling Daddy?!?!?" George smacked his hand over his eyes and hung his head in despair. Nate and I just grinned at each other as I said "Yes, Ian, you did a really good job." We were at Goodwill when my mom was visiting and George saw a My Little Pony movie that Grace would like so we picked it up for her while she and Ian were near Grammy's cart. When Ian came over to us a few minutes later, George whispered what we had gotten. Ian got all excited and tried to hide the video further, then as soon as we got close to my mom and Grace he said "Grace, don't look...right here!" And pointed to where he had hidden the movie. Again, George smacked his hand to his eyes and hung his head in despair. :P Ian is just so excited for anyone to experience joy and wants to be a part of it, too.

There are days when I wish he were like a normal child, that I could know how his mind would work when we got up in the morning, that I would know what to expect and could plan on a normal progression of learning and memory. It would have been nice not to have had to duct tape his pajamas on for a year, or to have had him potty trained before his little sister. It would have been a lot easier if I didn't have to put him back into bed 20 and 30 times a night when he was two years old. It would be nice if I didn't have to fear him going into a meltdown of frustration and emotional turmoil everytime I leave my house, it would be nice if I could get through to him when his eyes are glassed over and he just screams and screams and screams. But, then maybe I wouldn't have the same loving, caring boy, who can't wait to spend his birthday money on his big brother. Maybe I wouldn't have the same boy who would gladly spend an hour playing with blocks and singing to his baby sister, who tells Grace he loves her 10 minutes after she has taken his toys away and pushed him over. Maybe he wouldn't draw pictures of God telling Jesus what a good job he had done "reaching down to earth to make men and women and babies and children in ladies bellies and sea creatures and stuff." or pictures of him hugging everyone and writing "I *heart* U....Ian" I think God did make him special, and that God loves me very much to give me such a special boy to love. I don't know what I'd do without him.

Sad....but joyful

One of the saddest trips you can make is coming back from the airport alone after spending a week with someone who helped formed your heart and continues to be one of the chief encouragers of it. I drove my mom there this morning, and didn't even realize how much she had filled my soul with joy and help until I drove away and just felt bereft. It was such an incredible gift, her week here with us, but of course, it went all too fast. The kids had so much fun with their Grammy, and again my mothers example of truly loving and caring for people was such an inspiration to me. She has a gift for meeting people where they're at, whatever their ages or stages and finding what would bless and help them most. She made crossword puzzles for the kids, complicated ones for George and simpler ones with letters Ian knew for him to fill in. Ian was so proud of himself for doing it. The one for Grace was just suited to her little girly, frilly, tough and silly personality. Then she made a big one for the kids and I to fill out together all about our day together at Callaway Gardens on Wednesday. She pretended to be surprised at the decorations and birthday cake the kids helped me with on Tuesday and acted as if she were being given the moon over the little presents the kids got her and wrapped themselves. She danced to "the Clara music" (Nutcracker) with Grace, wanted to hear all about the boys Lego creations, played in the sandbox with Claire, read story after story, and even wrote a special story for "Princess Grace" about her royal family who lived in the land of Newnan and the Great King of all Who watched over them. She brought books and taught the kids how to draw pictures and made things with them, including collars for the little puppy toys they got from a meal she treated us out to. She bought them special books and toys and treats. She washed and folded and swept and cooked and fixed and helped me, despite my insisting she was on vacation and should be putting her feet up. We played Speed Scrabble and watched movies and exercised together and talked and soaked in the hot tub and drank coffee and looked at pictures and planned for the future. She listened and encouraged and gave me ideas and prayed and helped and just made me feel like a useful, valuable person. Of course she has known me all my life, and anything worthwhile in me is because of her example and instruction and help and continual encouragement to look to the Lord to make all things right. Having lived it herself in much harder circumstances, she was such an encouragement to Nate and I about waiting on the Lord for the job He has for Nathan. "It will come at just the right time, and you'll be ready for it when it does" she said. His (and to a lesser degree, my) stress and discouragement over his job, along with a certain amount of trepidation about the future just seem less insurmountable in the face of joyful hope in the Lord's provision for us. I know my father can hardly do without his dear wife, and after being with her for the week, I miss her so much more now than I did before she came. I can see why he sounded like Eeyore every time she talked to him on the phone. In a purely self centered sense, it was such complete balm to my soul to have her here, with me every minute, completely involved in and validating all the "inconsequential" little patterns and routines that make up my days of childcare and home making and trying to live healthfully. I felt like what I was doing was important and interesting and that I was doing a decent job of it because she was here doing it with me. And now my heart is breaking because she is gone. We are hoping to go up North in the fall, so Lord willing we will see her again in October. Her flight was very early this morning, so she said Goodbye to the kids last night before bed. I fear George was the only one who understood, though, that she wasn't going to be here when they woke up in the morning and I will be joined in my tears of missing her today. She said Goodbye to Nathan last night, and cried some tears of her own, encouraging him to keep his faith in the Lord and His will and path, and that it will be revealed soon. She has a full day of travel ahead of her, with a four hour layover in Philadelphia, then on to Boston where she will take the bus to New Hampshire, where my dad will pick her up, then an hour drive home where she will be greeted by dirty dishes and a full hamper and a cat the size of a compact car who will be put out that she hasn't been picking up his hairballs all week. Then she'll have three church services tomorrow and back to work Monday, where she teaches disabled special education high school students. I can't help but daydream about how wonderful it would be if we could live closer together. My father seems to be brewing again on his "secret invention" (his attitude is "If I told you, I'd have to kill you") and wanting to get that off the ground. Who knows, maybe Nathan getting done with his job would coincide somehow with my dad needing his help for the start of his business. In a perfect world, that would all work out beautifully. Of course, in a perfect world, everyone that I loved I would actually be able to hug every day, and would never have to feel the wrenching in my heart that I do now. It just makes me long for Heaven all that much more after my mother has given me a taste of it for a week.