Thursday

I just exercised for the first time in about 2 weeks. The pain in my chest has subsided greatly, for which I am very thankful. I suppose I should chronicle that I was diagnosed with chostocondritis a few weeks ago. I never thought ice on my chest would actually feel good, but it has. And I am happy not to have to do it anymore. It's amazing to me how long it takes for my muscles to become awakened and engaged in everyday motion. Only after weeks of consistent use do I reach this state- which is the beginning of where I would like to be, and yet it takes only days to revert back to feeling um, well, I don't know how to describe it exactly, but just like I normally do if I am not exercising regularly. The awareness of my muscle groups, of how my body bends and flexes and strengthens is not a state I have consistently been in for many years. I can remember it, and I yearn for it to become my norm again, but it sure takes a lot of work to sustain, and only a little slacking off for it to dissipate. Anyway, I am thankful to be able to exercise a bit again today.

I picked up an old paperback for 50 cents at a thrift store. I thought it looked interesting. I was mostly just amused by the words of praise over the title, which read "The most powerful and magical high spiritual adventure since The Teachings of Don Juan." The name of the book is The Tracker by Tom Brown Jr. It's about this man's childhood in the woods of New Jersey, and the education in tracking and nature of him and his best friend Rick by Rick's grandfather, Stalking Wolf. My heart has always been at peace in the woods and I loved reading this book about the intricate patterns of nature and animals and birds and how with patience and dedication, these patterns become observable, and finally prominent to the eye.

I read a wide variety of books, some historical fiction, some ridiculous science fiction, some literary classics, some just what I like to call "Brain Cake". Sometimes I read a book and am just fascinated by the characters, how different they are from me, and how I could never or would never do what they do. But some books resonate with me, and a part of my soul just knows that I could, in another life perhaps, have done and enjoyed the same things that these people have done. This book was like that. Not that I certainly could have attained the level of skill that this man did, but I would have enjoyed the education and the path that he started on. Of course, I have a completely different perspective. Mr. Brown talks abut the "spirit that moves in all things" and "omens" and things like that, and I know that it is God that moves in all things and His hand that guides His creation. Still, I enjoyed the book, and it had several great little nuggets of truth in it. In one chapter, Tom is detailing his and Rick's survival "tests", set up by Stalking Wolf to help them see what they were capable of.

He says "A limitless commitment to learning was less important than knowing the limits we had and what they were. Our training was a matter of defining our limits to ourselves as well as a way of sharpening our skills.....We only learn our limits by testing them. Given adequate water, it takes a month to starve to death in a book, but there are practical limits as well as theoretical ones. There is a point after which hunger either takes up the whole of your mind or becomes insignificant. We fasted until we found that after the second day it gets easier and easier, until you come to a point where you know the only thing that could stop your fast would be the bodily decay that comes with death. We learned two things from our tests, the limits of our power and the limits of our will. One was a measurement of our skill and the other was the measurement of our personality. If we were in the woods and without food, we knew how long that fact would make us uncomfortable and how long before it would affect what we could do. We always knew how long before we would have to think in survival terms and that thinking allowed us to function normally in what would have seemed like life-or-death situations to anyone else. Most people underestimate their abilities because they never had a chance to test their limits."

I so agree with that last statement. Not in terms of survival in the woods, but just in everyday life. I know I, and so many people I know, so often freak out when x, y, or z happens, thinking that we can just never withstand this testing from the Lord. Or we hear of someone going through something and think "I could just never do that." But, I know people who have gone through times in their lives when their first thought waking up every morning was the knowledge that this was probably their last day on earth. And yet, by the grace of God, they still did function, and loved their families, and praised their Father, and got through to the other side. Now, I have never been in any situation like that, thus far. But even the small pressure of the paths the Lord has brought me down, I remember people just rolling their eyes at and saying "I just don't know how you do it, I could just never have been throwing up pregnant and nursing and have had 1, 2, 3 (fill in the blank) toddlers to take care of." Or "I could just never handle having a husband that's gone 80 hours a week" Comments like these always puzzled me. As if I had chosen these as the best possible variations of life, OR as if I could have done anything to change them simply by refusing to accept them as what God had for me. It always seemed so ridiculous to me that numerous people found these circumstances just "unbearable" when they didn't know if God would have it in His plan to give them much more trying circumstances. I know I have found myself thinking these same thoughts, though. A friend's husband was deployed to Iraq two years ago and she was a single mom for a year and a half. Another lady I know loved and loved and loved her unsaved husband, trying to show him the joy in the Lord she had found, and he cheated on her and left her and took her children from her. I found myself saying "I could never have handled that." But, who knows what the Lord has in store for me or for any of us? I don't think it is for us to say what we can or can not handle, but simply to do our best with the path the Lord has us on right now.

Tom Brown went on to say "A lot of people panic in the woods because they think they are facing impossible obstacles. Almost universally, those people who have survived impossible circumstances did not panic and found that they could survive far beyond what they normally thought of as their limits. We knew what our limits were, and we knew that there was probably a reserve behind them that would only come out when the crisis was for real." I think in life, sometimes the Lord tests us, not to just make us feel overwhelmed, but to prepare us for a situation that will require the patience and contentment we will only acquire by going through that test. I remember when I was pregnant with Grace and trying to take care of Ian and George, thinking back to when I only had George, or when I was pregnant with Ian. At those times, I thought things were so hard, and there were days when I cried out to the Lord, saying "I can't handle this." and yet, with His help, I did. It made things seem not so hard as some people seemed to believe they were. And there have been many, many days since then that have been exponentially harder. I remember the first time I went shopping with all four kids. It was a disaster. I thought it would never be any better and that we would all just starve to death, because I couldn't physically make it through a grocery shopping trip with my children. And now, while it's certainly not easy, and I don't enjoy it (by a long shot), we do it all the time. And we haven't starved yet. I had a friend comment to me a while ago, after calling and me saying that I was just laying down on the couch while the kids did puzzles on the floor, that she never would have given herself permission to lay down while her kids were awake. For me, though, after being throwing up pregnant and physically unable to keep my eyes open while taking care of my kids more times than I'd like to recall, I learned that it is possible to lay down and still have your children survive. When you have no other choice in something, it forces you to realize that "acceptable conditions" has a much wider range than you previously thought. I remember thinking it was just "unacceptable" when my husband was gone 60 hours a week. I remember just feeling so sorry for myself and thinking how unfair it all was to me. Right. And now I know it is a ministry to my husband to love and support him no matter how much he has to work. I have learned that I can survive and thrive and be a blessing in conditions much "worse" than I previously thought to be the limit of my small ability to handle. And maybe that was the limit, I have just learned (am continuing to daily learn) that there are many things that can only be handled with the Lord's help and strength. I am reminded of one of my favorite verses "His strength is made perfect in weakness." I should be thankful that the Lord has given me such amazing weakness so that His strength has so much chance to be perfected in my life.

So anyway, to complete my thoughts on the book, I found it satisfying on many levels- it delved into some of the mysteries of nature, which I loved, and it reminded me of things the Lord has been teaching me lately. I am thankful the Lord remembers my short attention span, He is so good to continually remind me of things He is teaching me.

And now for some gems from Ian:

"Wow, Heaven sounds better than a small Chinese restaurant!!" I just wish I could see what exactly this means in his mind.

Holding a lego contraption with a gun at one end "Braver, Faster....Shootier!!"

Holding a package of Swedish fish "Do the people who made this just love to lie and be naughty and don't know God?" "Uhhh," I answered, "I don't know, Ian, why would you think they love to lie?" "Well, you know, they try to make you think that this is a fruit snack and is healthy, but really it's made of sugar and it's not fruitful or healthful!"

Putting on pajamas with no characters on them, just a plain shirt and shorts "Hey, everybody, look at me, I'm a MAN!! I have on MAN pajamas!"

With a Star Wars shirt and (unmatching) Star Wars pajama pants on "Hey Mama, I'm Star Wars flage!" "Uhhh," I answered, "What?!?" "You know, when I have on my camo shirt and pants, I'm camo flage, (two words) so now I'm Star Wars flage!"

Looking at greeting cards at Target today, he unfortunately saw a card with a "Caution" sign on the front with a crude stick drawing and the words "dangerous gas" on it, which of course, George read very loudly. Ian went on to (loudly, of course) say "Dangerous gas!! I bet Daddy's going to get that at his work, and Grandpa gets dangerous gas all the time, because he fixes cars and George, do you think we'll ever have dangerous gas???"

And with that lovely thought, I will close this long overdue blog post. :)

Ian

Maybe my children watch too much Veggie Tales. Tonight, Ian was getting frustrated with himelf because he wasn't able to fit a puzzle together as well as he wanted to, or as fast as Grace, whom the puzzle was facing. He said "I'm not good at puzzles anymore, I'm just not good." So, I tried to encourage him by saying "Ian, that's not true, God made you special.." To which he interrupted "..and He loves you VERY much...Goodbye!" Which, of course, is what Bob and Larry say at the end of every Veggie Tales episode. Ian and I both laughed, and I reminded him that he was very good at puzzles and that God DID make him special and God doesn't make anything bad. He made Ian just the way He wanted Him to be. There are days when it is hard for me to remember this, when I am tired of reminding him for the seventh time in 10 minutes what he is supposed to be doing, when we start his reading lesson for the day and he has no memory of what he was rattling off with ease the day (or the hour) before. Or when he gets frustrated with himself for not being able to do something he usually can (like the puzzles) and just bursts into tears. Times when we are in the middle of Wal-mart and he has tried to slowly explain what he's trying to get across to his squabbling siblings 3 times and finally just starts hitting his head in emotional distress because he doesn't know what to do to be heard.

Sometimes I will be going over something with him that I have explained a hundred (it feels like) times and in the middle of it, he raises one finger and with a look of genuine perplexity says "Excuse me, but what does 'obey' mean?" There are times when I am afraid I have held him accountable to more than he is capable of, and look back in tears to those times when we punished him over and over and over for things that we thought surely he was doing intentionally, but now I wonder, did he really just have no memory of the 3 minutes prior when I told him to stop whatever it was he started doing again? I don't know. Some days I do hold him less accountable, only to see the next day that he is taking advantage of the fact that he isn't required to do what his younger sister is. And some days, I know, he isn't capable of doing what his younger sister is accountable to do every day. But, some days, he is capable of so much more.

I don't know what to expect from him. I don't know when he wakes up in the morning whether he has any memory of the things we did or said the day before, and yet, when asked to describe the first thing he remembers, he says in a calm voice "Well, it was when I was in your belly, and my head...um, (here he pushes his hands down on the top of his head) I was trying to get out, and there was something sticking to my belly button." The other night I was talking about something that happened when George was a baby and Ian said "Where was I?" "You weren't born yet." George said. Then Ian got a thoughtful look on his face and said "Oh, yeah, that was when I was still in Heaven." "What did you do in Heaven?" I asked. "Well, I was just talking to God and eating fruit and stuff." Ian answered. "What did the fruit taste like?" I asked, trying not to smile, "You know, apples and pears and things like that." "And what did you talk about with God?" "Mama, it was a really long time ago, I don't really remember." Of course.

You might think that he is just a silly and imaginative child who likes to make things up, but if you knew Ian, you would know that he would probably fall under the category of "not clever enough to be deceitful." It wouldn't occur to him to make up anything that he would try to pass off as truth. I'm inclined to believe he does remember being born, and also inclined to believe that he doesn't really remember where he put the book he had in his hand five minutes previous. Of course, there are benefits to his short memory, including overwhelming gratefulness. A few weeks ago, he got dressed, came out in a shirt he had worn dozens of times and said "Wow, Mama, thanks for the new shirt!!" Everyday is a new experience of wonder and fun for him, glimmers of things he has done dancing only in the periphery of his consciousness, while his brother and sister are on the edge of boredom from the same activity repeated over and over. Although he might sometimes be the first to get his feelings hurt, he is always the first to forgive, and never holds a grudge, picking up the hurtful offender in a bear hug and saying "It's okay, I forgive you!" Sometimes his exuberant affection for everyone does get him in trouble, since he forgets that Claire is no longer a baby he can pick up and cuddle, or stroke her cheek without her trying to swat him away. The cat has become very tolerant of too tight hugs and being craded like a baby in the blue blanket Ian is hardly ever without.

He is forgiving, and he is giving. Last week, he told me he had a big secret he had to whisper in my ear, and told me in hushed tones with wide eyes that when he goes to Toys R' Us with his birthday money, he's going to buy George the Anakin Star Fighter Lego set that George almost bought on his birthday, but decided on another set instead. And seriously, he will get just as much joy out of this as if he were to buy it for himself. Not that some days he wants to share his favorite stick with his sister or let George have the coolest Lego guns, but he is usually the first one to think of giving something to someone, and then he can hardly contain his excitement to do it. Last year for Nate's birthday I went shopping here, there, and everywhere to find the man a bike I could afford. We finally found one, then were in Wal-Mart a few days later and found an amazing deal on a tent, too. The kids were repeatedly reminded not to tell Daddy about his presents, an injunction that George sees as a life and death situation and Grace could care less, but Ian, I think, tries so hard to remember what it is he's not supposed to tell that sometimes he forgets that he's NOT supposed to tell. For some reason, a few days before Nate's birthday and a few days after we had bought the tent we all were at Wal-Mart together. We all go shopping together probably 3 times a year, so this was unusual. Of course, Nate wanted to look at the camping stuff, and I knew when we went over there that one of the kids was probably going to point out to Nathan that we were just here and what we got for him. I could see George making frantic (indecipherable) shushing motions to his siblings as we rolled the cart into the aisle. Ian just kept the biggest grin on his face and didn't say anything at first. I was beginning to think we'd glide out of there with the surprise still intact, until all of a sudden Ian pipes up with "Daddy, we got THAT tent....and a BIKE...for SOMEONE ELSE'S Birthday!" With this, he looks at me and says in a whisper loud enough for the whole department to hear "Mama, didn't I do a good job not telling Daddy?!?!?" George smacked his hand over his eyes and hung his head in despair. Nate and I just grinned at each other as I said "Yes, Ian, you did a really good job." We were at Goodwill when my mom was visiting and George saw a My Little Pony movie that Grace would like so we picked it up for her while she and Ian were near Grammy's cart. When Ian came over to us a few minutes later, George whispered what we had gotten. Ian got all excited and tried to hide the video further, then as soon as we got close to my mom and Grace he said "Grace, don't look...right here!" And pointed to where he had hidden the movie. Again, George smacked his hand to his eyes and hung his head in despair. :P Ian is just so excited for anyone to experience joy and wants to be a part of it, too.

There are days when I wish he were like a normal child, that I could know how his mind would work when we got up in the morning, that I would know what to expect and could plan on a normal progression of learning and memory. It would have been nice not to have had to duct tape his pajamas on for a year, or to have had him potty trained before his little sister. It would have been a lot easier if I didn't have to put him back into bed 20 and 30 times a night when he was two years old. It would be nice if I didn't have to fear him going into a meltdown of frustration and emotional turmoil everytime I leave my house, it would be nice if I could get through to him when his eyes are glassed over and he just screams and screams and screams. But, then maybe I wouldn't have the same loving, caring boy, who can't wait to spend his birthday money on his big brother. Maybe I wouldn't have the same boy who would gladly spend an hour playing with blocks and singing to his baby sister, who tells Grace he loves her 10 minutes after she has taken his toys away and pushed him over. Maybe he wouldn't draw pictures of God telling Jesus what a good job he had done "reaching down to earth to make men and women and babies and children in ladies bellies and sea creatures and stuff." or pictures of him hugging everyone and writing "I *heart* U....Ian" I think God did make him special, and that God loves me very much to give me such a special boy to love. I don't know what I'd do without him.