Friday...

It's the day after Thansgiving. I should be doing my Friday Felicities..and probably will later. I have much to be thankful for. I was actually considering going shopping with the kids today, but my van won't start again. I do need to go out later and get my Rx filled, I took the last one last night. And really, after looking at all the Black Friday big sale flyers, the only thing that I really want to go out and buy is the 12 big roll pack of Charmin Ultra at Rite Aid for $5.49. So that's probably what I'll do tonight when Nate gets home. We went to Karen's for a Thansgiving supper yesterday. Nate was home and let me sleep in and made a big breakfast for us all, then did something I've been wanting him to for about 2 years- switched the stoves from here and Whitesburg. So, I'm very happy about that, and looking forward to using an oven that works consistently and is nicer and all.

I had a good talk with a good friend the other day, then a good talk about that talk with my good man that night. I am always afraid to share with him what is really going on in my heart, I guess I think in the back of my mind that if he really knew "the real me" he would leave, or take my kids away, or something. But, he never does, and I am so thankful for that. Indeed, the few times I have actually shared it all, what he does is listen, and then ask what he can do to help. That still amazes me. And does such an amazing job of reflecting the love of God.

I'm here

I am here. And I am well. Well, my body is getting well-er all the time, Praise the Lord. My asthma is so, so, much better, I am so incredibly thankful. I am down to half the dose of Advair, and am hoping to completely get off it soon. I just came from the chiropractor today, so my back and neck are great, just sore, but the knots in my muscles and the numb and tingly feelings in my hands are gone. There are some wonderfully positive things going on in my relationship with the Lord, and with my husband, which are just amazing and I am very thankful for the Lord's hand and provision there. I am kind of having a hard time keeping up with it all, to be honest. I am very in awe of the Lord's strength and guidance in opening my eyes about some things and gently humbling me, and His patience with me as I try to accept and move forward in this new light. There are things about myself and my relationships that I thought weren't able to be changed, but they are. And I have changed them. I feel like I am living each moment from a new perspective, and it is beautiful, but it is hard. On one hand, I feel a great sadness for the loss of the years I lived without facing these things and dealing with them, and on the other hand, I feel a bit of trepidation about the future. I knew how to live with my old self and I just don't know all of the ramifications of these changes in my heart and mind, and how exactly the Lord wants me to proceed in light of them. I feel a bit lost and emotional. It seems some days as if my mind is being renewed and openly accepting all the Lord lays in my path, and other days it's as if I can't even get through the fog wrapping around my thoughts to see where my path lays. I just feel laid bare at the foot of the cross. And through my tears, I am joyful to be here.

If only....

Wow. I haven't kept up with blog reading much in the last few months. One blog that I used to really enjoy was Molly's. Rather, I enjoyed the blogger, not the blog, as I loved her writing from several different blog venues. Tonight, Nathan fell asleep in front of the fire on the couch, so I got online and not having any pressing research or correspondance (or, let's be honest, facebooking) to do, I opened up my bookmarked stash of favorite blogs. After reading a few, I ran into Molly's again at www.adventuresinmercy.wordpress.com and read her few recent posts and then went delving into back posts of hers. Her writing is ALWAYS interesting, not because of its wit, although there is plenty, but because of her truth. She has come down many paths and explored them Biblically and shared her heart about them. I am almost always convicted, or encouraged, usually both, and without fail, I am directed back to the Lord. She makes you think.

Well, so I was reading on punishment vs. discipline in her "Parenting with gentleness" series. I do spank, let me say that upfront, although I try to have it be my last resort instead of my first. This particular article was on spanking and how the popular Christian culture has made it almost a requisite to Biblical parenting. Looking strictly at Scripture, though, without the constraints of our culture, experiences, and prejudices coloring our vision, it really is kind of hard to extrapolate that "He who spares the rod spoils his son" means that you should hit your child with a stick or whatever on their butt X number of times if you want them to turn out well. I had heard before the context being that of a shepherd, using his rod, or staff to guide the sheep (think Psalm 23) but this article took the thought even further. What if... we have been so caught up in trying to seem righteous to each other in our conservative little folds (thinking that this means we are righteous before God) that we have perpetuated a false teaching and have harmed our children in the process? Let me back up and say that I do not presume to speak for anyone else, but I know for myself there have been many times when I have spanked a child and not felt right about it in my heart, yet "comforted" myself with the thought that I was just doing what was Biblical. But what if I wasn't? What if that's NOT what God meant? What if a higher level of involvement with my child and getting to the heart of the issue would have forestalled any further acting out of the behavior I was correcting with the spank? Isn't that my goal in spanking? To keep them from repeating a behavior that is harmful or wrong? And if I can accomplish that with love and encouragement instead of harsh physical pain, shouldn't I? Yes. I mean, how does God parent us? Yes, we have to suffer the natural consequences of our choices, but do we suffer physical pain when we disobey or even the "adult" version of that - mental or emotional pain or physical deprivation some kind? *I don't want to get ahead of myself here, and I really am trying to just search this out for myself and find what exactly God IS saying, please don't think I am trying to purvey any truth, I am looking for it myself* What I do know is that the Bible clearly says that the wicked will sometimes, perhaps often, prosper, and the righteous will sometimes not even have a place to lay their heads. But I know the same camp (that I grew up in) that touts spanking often equates God's blessing with physical and emotional comfort. So if you are going through a hard time, financially, mentally, whatever, that *may* (and in their minds usually *must*) mean you have sinned and God is punishing you. Is this really Biblical? Nope, read Job.

So does that mean spanking is unBiblical?? I don't know yet. What I know right now is that my having subscribed to this veiwpoint and all of its trappings robbed me of closeness with my children that I might have had. My desire for my oldest child to be "well behaved" probably has contributed to his anxiety today. And I can never take back all of the times I corrected him, too harshly, thinking I was helping him, instead of getting on his level and trying to see through his eyes. I am sitting here in tears thinking of the times I felt pride in his good behaviour, and too severely censured him for deviating from that in any way, thinking it must be a reflection of my good parenting that he was doing so well, and then chastising him for acting like the child he so rarely was. Oh Lord, forgive me.

This and that..

Wow, holy whining, Batman!! Of course I am referring to my last post, over which I rolled my eyes and almost threw up out of sheer disgust at the pitiful self-centeredness and just plain Eeyore-ism, for crying out loud!!! For those of you who actually read my little blog, may I just offer an apology?? Not that that's the only or worst time I have been all "poor little me" on my blog, and sadly, it probably won't be the last time, but man, it's just.....blech to be confronted by my own patheticness. *Note to self: do not blog when feeling hormotional*

On an entirely different note, we went to Virginia, had a whirlwind time with my parents, brother, sister-in-law, niece and nephews. It was great, we did a lot together and everyone had a good time, I think. Now we are back and I am trying to get all my ducks in a row with school and getting ready for holidays and trying to get my health back on track. I have started a seperate blog for my health and diet stuff over at wordpress, if you want to check it out, it's at agapec.wordpress.com. I am trying some diet things to see if I can get my asthma and possibly my weight under control. My main thing is the asthma, as it is not under control, despite the $450 of medication I am on every month now. But, as I said, I'm not going to blab about it here, it's been relegated to wordpress.

The kids are doing great in school, Ian is doing better than I thought he would, and Grace's determination is putting her leaps and bounds ahead of where her ability alone might in a different child. Ian's comprehension of things is ahead of where I thought it would be, he is doing simple addition and his writing skills have already improved and I think they are even beyond what George's were when he was as the same place in learning as Ian. Of course, his memory is still an issue, but the more times we go over things, the quicker he gets it again the next day. George is doing well, although we are a bit stalled out on penmanship, he's getting so stressed out learning slant as an introduction to cursive, I am considering just going straight to cursive, but haven't decided yet. I love, love, love the Miquon math, and only wish I had gotten it sooner. My biggest glitch right now is that my copier/scanner/printer has kicked the bucket so I can no longer copy worksheets for the kids. I need to get that back working or replaced or something so we don't fall behind.

We have our court date for getting Claire's birth certificate this Thursday, it will be great to have that finally taken care of, and then we can file an amendment to our taxes and claim her. Then Friday is the men's retreat, so Nate will be gone Friday and Saturday, although he said last night he doesn't really feel like going. I'm not sure if he will or not, although truth be told, I wouldn't mind having a night all to myself, I might even rent some chick flicks, then probably sleep with Grace in her bed, she'd really like that.

Vacation

We are leaving tomorrow for our family vacation in VA. I am trying to be excited, although I have a TON to do between now and then, and it rained yesterday and my asthma gets exponentially worse with higher humidity so I didn't get much done. I have a full pot of coffee brewed now, though and my lists made and the suitcases out and only 2 more loads of laundry left to do. I think narrowing things down will be my biggest problem, and of course fitting everything in. We should be okay, though, since we are bringing (I think) less than we brought to Maine in August and had extra room then. It will be good to be with everyone, although crazy and hectic I am sure. We are tie-dying t-shirts on Monday, having an all day Star Wars Birthday Bash on Wednesday, kind of an all inclusive birthday celebration for all the cousins who don't get to be together on their birthdays. Friday we are going to Busch Gardens, and probably one of two days we will be in Colonial Williamsburg, and possibly the aquarium. And there's a big playground nearby, and indoor heated pools at the resort, and it will be a very fun time. :P I am just praying I feel better enough to keep up with it all. It will be nice to have Nate around for the whole week, although I don't think he's as looking forward to it as I am.

Nate and I have so much to talk about and I am starting to wonder if maybe someone more equipped should actually be facilitating the talking. I am wondering if counseling might be good for us. But, I don't think Nate would agree to it, even if it was free, which I know it will not be. And the money in our HSA account is going to be soon eaten up by the new meds I am taking, to the tune of $450 per month. I'm not sure what we'll do when the money runs out, hopefully I can be off one of the meds by then. I just keep reminding myself that God is in control and trying to find what He is trying to teach me in all of this. I keep thinking this must be a season, but who's to say this won't be where I am at all the rest of my life? I thought being pregnant and nursing for 7 years was hard, but now that I am all done that, all these old health problems are returning. So, is it a choice between the bone numbing exhaustion, sciatica, raw bloody nipples, restless leg syndrome and terrible aches of pregnancy and nursing, OR the endometriosis, chemical imbalances and asthma of not being pregnant? I know there are things with my diet that could be made better, but some days even remembering to eat anything is a struggle. I need to keep reminding myself that my outlook is greatly affected by my stress level and sleep account and probably right now is not the best time to be taking stock of my life. What do I need right now? I know....Micah 6:8 "But to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with my God." And I need to pack...so "Sayonara".

Pencil shavings and other blessings....

I used to be such a pen connoisseur. Pencils, too. I was super picky about the feel, the look, the material, and of course, the way they flowed across the page. Ticonderoga, being the gold standard in graphite writing utensil, just holding one in my hand, as yet unsharpened, was enough to give a tiny thrill to my young soul. The eager flow of ink, black and lustrous across a starched blank spiral bound canvas was a tiny phenomenon, repeated often, that gave a quiet fulfillment to a craving inside me. Not that plain ballpoint was such a disappointment, it just always seemed such a luxurious accommodation in the mundane litany of writing required of me, to have a pen in my hand that seemed to snuggle in comfortably, then in an attitude of noble servility bow to the page and turn my history of civ. notes into a transcendantly superfluous calligraphic endeavor. Bliss.

Finding joy, finding something that does indeed "thrill my soul" in the tiny little, most would say inconsequential, accoutrements of the thrifty life, has always been an unspoken goal of mine. I don't know if it is my humble upbringing or just a quirk of personality, but I have always been just a little uncomfortable surrounded by "extravagance", especially if it was for me. And all of my quilly expounding being in the past tense tells you that my life has passed on from finding little pockets of hidden fulfillment in the exceedingly simple, to now feeling as if my extravagances are crowding in on every side. It seems rather a betrayal the mindset of the hidden blessing to have so many blessings so flagrantly surrounding me.

For example, I am sitting in a room filled with books; children's books, board books, coloring books, school books, theology books, phone books, history books, dictionaries, science texts, atlases and novels. As I said- flagrantly surrounded. And on the subject on writing utensils, with a flick of my baby blues, I can see scads, myriads of colored pencils, crayons, markers, pens of every kind (mostly bearing the Brown's Pools logo), and also- the crowning achievement of my productivity today ~ a blue pencil case of freshly sharpened pencils. Which reminds me of another thing that used to make me smile irrationally. Pencil Shavings (see above). I have always loved the delicate, swirling tracery of wood and paint, curling down and around, uncovering the beautiful potential in a pencil. It seems such a shame to just throw away something so symmetrically formed.


Now "What...", I know you're thinking, "...do pens and pencils and books have to do with being flagrantly surrounded by blessings???" Well, it's what all of those things represent that overwhelm me with the truth of my cup being filled to overflowing. Being surrounded by books and markers and such means I am in a room, in a safe, spacious house, filled with happy, healthy, inquisitive children, and a husband whom God has provided with a job that pays for all the books and house and food to feed the children. Beside the room, attached to the house, is a garage in which sits a van with gas in the tank, and if you stand by the garage and look a little farther away you can see the house of family, which means my happy, inquisitive children can get out now and then, and they are growing up with their grandparents next door. All around me are the clear evidences of the abundance in my life.

So, I think sometimes I forget to look at the little things that use to give me joy because I have so many big things. Am I becoming inured to the little blessings? Am I becoming ungrateful? There are times when I am reminded of the little things that used to give me as much joy as the big things I have now- like looking at the pencil shavings, and I realize that most of the time I am no longer a person who even notices the little things. Is it growth, or degradation? I am inclined to think the later and this makes me wonder what I need to do to get back to an awareness of ALL the blessings in my life, big and small.

Epistalary Item to Spousal Counterpart

Good Morning, Mr. Retail and Marketing Manager,

I am the Educational, Domestic Engineering, Comestible and Fiscal Implementation Director of our facility. I am writing to you regarding your inquiry concerning the automobile component you requested from the third party source we shall refer to as "Ebay." As you will see upon your perusal of the attached document below, said party has responded negatively to your offer of acquisition of the component at the reduced estimation and has counteroffered with a precipitous alternative enumeration. Speaking in my capacity as Fiscal Implementation Director, my exhortation to you is for continued temperate equanimity in your scrutinizing quest for the requisite item. Of course, I defer to your superior negotiatory skills and purchasing expertise.

I must terminate this missive now, and return to my duties as infant pursuer, expurgator and habilitator so that I may commence my responsibilities as juvenile tutelary administrator. I hope to have the pleasure of seeing a rejoinder from your esteemed personage at a later time.

Cordially yours,
Charity F. Buchan, D.Fi, C.Ef, E.Ml, CL.E

(Director of Fiscal Implementation, Chairman of Educational Facilitation, Executor of Mt. Laundrytobedone, and Coffee Lover Extraodinaire)

Friday

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1. Brewed Starbucks coffee in a bright blue travel mug sitting to my right
2. George sitting behind me finishing his reading workbook
3. Grace and Ian both writing *perfect* e's this morning and now doing a puzzle together- without fighting!!!
4. Claire looking at books quietly on the floor in her Pooh bear overalls and pink ponytail
5. I can breathe a little better this morning...Praise the Lord...go read the last verse in the Psalms, it was written for me. ;)
6. Long sleeved, relax green, Duckhead hoodie I am wearing, it makes me comfy happy.
7. Pictures of Maine on my desktop....*sigh*
8. Christmas shopping!!!! I am almost done :)
9. Looking forward to going out with a friend for her birthday soon.
10. My hot tub...I am so going to soak myself silly tonight.
11. Snuggling with my hubby on the couch last night, it's been a long time since we did that.
12. George doing his own Friday Felicities on the white board right now. :)

This and that...

So, how's it going in blogworld?? I really don't know, as I hardly ever have the time to read them anymore. :( There are really cool and smart and sweet and special people whose blogs I have learned and laughed so much from that I just have fallen away from reading. And I would like to get back to them....one of these days.

In the meantime, here's what has been going on here:

• Very positive things going on in Nate's home/work ratio, Praise the Lord!!
• We started homeschool on Monday, and it's going great!! Ian is doing better than I thought he would, Grace is a little behind what I thought she was in her writing ability but TOTALLY makes up for it in enthusiasm. George is doing great and loves all his second grade work. Claire is climbing into everything and trying to sit in everyone's laps while they work, but for the most part, I am handling it all okay.
• I had a fantabulous day off with a wonderful dear, dear friend. We went to Starbucks, twice (thankyou for the gift card, secret pal!!) We went to the thrift store and tried on clothes and modeled for each other, we both found some great fitting jeans!!!!!! (seriously, this right here deserves it's own miracle status) We ate, we laughed, we talked, I got a haircut, we bought totally outrageous and impractical, yet totally cute girlie shoes, it was sooo balm to my soul.
• We have the ball rolling on getting Claire's court ordered birth certificate and hopefully, Lord willing, will have her s.s. card in time to claim her on our taxes, which we delayed filing until October.
• I finally used my picture printer and it works great!! I am so thankful for it.
• I am having all sorts of trouble with my asthma, but hopefully the new meds I got will start working consistently here..sometime??
• Until my lungs are working well, I am just casting longing glances at my treadmill and wondering what on earth God's purpose was for letting me love it and use it for a month and now not being able to walk to the mailbox without getting winded, let alone run for a half hour. *Sigh*
• The older three are all in Awana now and doing well. I am working in the nursery, which is so calming and relaxing for me.
• Our church now has, through the amazing grace and hand of God, all the money needed and has started construction on our new addition/building project, debt-free! Yay!!
• It is starting to get cooler outside. I love it, I love it, I love it!! I think I enjoy fall more every year. That briskness in the air, which is only a hint now, just so energizes me and makes me *see* everything so much brighter. I love it. Long sleeved shirts, warm cups of coffee, fires in the evening, open windows, snuggling with fleecy blankets on the loveseat, walking outside in the wind and the leaves.....bring it on!!
  
  

Thankyou!!!

To everyone who was so incredibly generous with their well wishes and calls and cards and love on my birthday, thankyou, thankyou, thankyou. I am so very humbled by all the people who took the time to remember me, and please don't think that my angst with myself over being older in any way reflects on my level of thankfulness for all of the wonderful, sweet people in my life. Truly, I do not deserve such friends. You are all a treasure to me. :)

Friday...

I suppose I should be doing Friday Felicities, but I just don't feel very...um, felicitous right now. I hate to succumb to the cliche, but I am faced with the fact that I am completely and utterly depressed about turning 30. I have been in various stages of denial (my favorite coping technique) about it for about 6 months, and kept thinking I would just start thinking it was not a big deal, but as the time has come closer it has been harder and harder to deny that I can feel it as a great weight upon my shoulders...the fact that I will no longer be in my 20's....tomorrow.

I have gotten several presents in the mail. Sweet birthday cards. All from dear precious people who (I don't know why) love me even when my idiotic psychosis demands that I reject the reason for their kind generosity. I don't want anything to remind me of it. My mil even offered!!!! to watch the kids tomorrow night so Nate could take me out, which usually I would leap at the chance for, but I just have no desire to go.

I really do realize that all this introspection and raging against things I cannot change is not only fruitless and a waste of time, but also terribly self centered. And I don't know if my extreme lack of sleep from our trip (and over the last 7 years) is propogating this mental drudgery, or if it has just snuck up on me or what. It's not as if I am terribly dissatisfied with where I am at in my life right now. My life is FULL of blessings. I have a wonderful husband, four beautiful and healthy children, a nice home, family and friends, great church, etc. I have nothing to complain about. And I have never, I thought, held 30 as a huge change in other people. Maybe my stress levels are just coinciding with my birthday and that is the hinge upon which my despondancy is swinging. Maybe I think I can no longer pretend to be young and fun and carefree anymore once I am that old. That I will have no more excuses for not acting "like a grown-up." Maybe I feel that I should have things more together by now, or that I should be farther along in my Christian walk. All I really know is that even the thought of turning that corner into the next decade just makes me want to cry. And if you know me, you know I hate to cry.

I am packing...

I'm going to Maine.......(cue applause)...well, more accurately, WE are going to Maine. As in me, my munchkins AND my boyfriend (best friend, husband, Nate). :) We are leaving Friday. Packing the van tommorow night and then after naptime on Friday going to pick up Nate at work and then we are on the road again. And I get the nightshift driving, as God just made me weird like that. I naturally wake up at around 10 pm. We are driving straight through, the 20ish hours to my parents house in NH, then my mom will go up with us to my Nanny's house in Maine and my dad will come up on the weekend. We are Lord willing climbing "The Mountain" (a slightly ridiculous moniker for a height you can scale in the space of a few hours, but anyway) swimming, canoeing, roasting marshmallows, visiting with friends, family and just totally enjoying being in "Vacationland" in the month of August. I am so very excited. And we are bringing my mom an air conditioner, courtesy of some dear friends who no longer needed it, AND we are bringing a huge bag of clothes for my little nephew, AND an entire set of dishes for my mom for a housewarming gift...so basically we will have room on the way back to tote home 12 real pine trees from "The Pine Tree State". Not that we actually would, but it's a nice thought to think for a little while. :) And now I need to get back to packing!!

Friday Felicities

1. I can put a ponytail in Claire's hair now....it's so cute!!

2. I got to spend most of the day at a wonderful, wise, beautiful friend's house with her and her wonderful children. We all had a blast.

3. Tommorow is Saturday....and if Nate won't take me on a date, I am going on one myself....to the grocery store.

4. I got to talk to my mom on the phone this week and she is doing well. I miss her so much.

5. I got George's reading books and have his math figured out...now I just need to order it, and I have started writing my spelling curriculum, and have the science done!! Now I just need to organize and all that jazz.

6. We *may* be going to Maine, all of us, in August. :)

7. I love my treadmill. I am SOOOO thankful for it.

8. We just got the new Third Day album, and it totally rocks...I love it!!

9. Espresso+half n' half+chocolate syrup+ice= homemade iced mocha......yummy!!!!

10. Nate found a used car for less than he was expecting, and the van is finally fixed and legal and everything. Praise the Lord.

Burn baby, burn

I don't have any special reason for posting this picture, other than I just think my girls are so beautiful!! And red is my favorite color, so seeing my little blue eyed beauties in red just looks so adorable to me. Okay, I'm done gushing.

I got so much done Saturday, despite my rather inauspicious beginnings, and Nate didn't get home until late so I had time to get the whole lawn mowed and all inside done what I intended to do. I was.....(trying to think of the phrase my friend with the super charming southern belle voice used)...done slap wore' out because of it, though. I have to say I am enjoying getting back in touch with muscles that I have been ignoring for years now. Pushing that cantankerous mower around for 2 hours on Saturday was a better workout than I'd had in years, it was awesome. I was rereading my last few posts and can't believe I didn't record the momentous occasion of our acquiring my new best friend...Mr. Treadmill!! It was such an answer to prayer, just what I wanted, for just what I wanted to pay. And I love it. It's a Nordictrack, with a 20" running deck and power incline. And the best feature it has is a little plastic shelf to put my book on! So I get on my running shoes and my glasses and read and walk and run and fun fun fun!! And it has been totally motivating to feel physically "worked out" again, rather than just exhausted from lack of sleep or sore muscled because of carrying too much baby. So I have been trying to do leg lifts and crunches, and of course, get plenty of "sexercise" as well. Quit blushing, you know it burns calories (if you do it right ;). I have been doing better eating healthy, too, cutting out sugar and all. So, after all of this, wouldn't you think I would have lost some weight?? I mean, it's been a month since I have been exercising regularly and eating well. (I know, a month is not a lot of time) And I have gained weight. 2 lbs. I'm not sure how this has happened, but I can tell you, it is really discouraging. And it's not as if I were so low to begin with that any addition of muscle would bulk me up. Oh no. I am 20 lbs over my pre-George pregnancy weight and 11 lbs over my pre-Claire pregnancy weight. And 18 lbs over what I "should" weigh. But, I think my clothes are fitting a little better. If I haven't lost inches, I am at least more aware of my muscles now to hold them in, and be trying to keep my core strong and as tight as a tummy that's been stretched to it's max 4x can get. I still have a healthy layer of "subcutaneous fat" over that core, but at least I feel better now, right? Even if I don't look any better yet. If my goal were weight loss, I'd probabably not be wanting to keep on, but (I have to keep reminding myself) my goal is to get better in touch with my muscles, get in better shape and just be able to keep up with my kids better. If I end up being able to fit into my smaller clothes along the way, that's just icing on the cake (or, like low-fat dip on the cucumber..yeah).

I should be cleaning my toilet...

I should. I have made Saturdays my super busy deep cleaning day for awhile now and today I am just out of sorts and tired and praying that the Lord would bring order to my disordered mind so I could finish a sentence in my head. I am in my pajamas. Sitting in a room whose floor needs to be mopped, adjoining other rooms whose floors need to be mopped. But the balancing act of guilt, compulsion, remembrance and lists is not coming together for me today. There are times I feel paralyzed into doing nothing because I can not figure out through the swirling storm of words in my mind, what is the most important thing for me to do RIGHT NOW. I start something, then go into another room, start something else..yada yada...you know the drill. I know I'm not the only one who does this mad caper. Some days it is worse than others though. So, of course, I decide to throw logic, of all things, out the window, and do NOTHING. Yeah, that makes sense. Of course, if there were a list of things eligible for window flinging, you'd think I would look to laziness, proctrastination, scatterbrainedness (of course it's a word!), guilt, feelings of incapability, etc. before I threw logic out. Spock, after all, is one of my heroes. But here I sit. And yes, I will get a lot done today. Eventually. But instead of starting early, being organized and methodical and well planned, I will accomplish my tasks for the day most probably through a mixture of an overdose of caffeine, pure, swift elbow grease, disorganized flying by the seat of my pants, and hurridly doing in a few hours what I could have done slowly over several more. And the result will be the same. My toilets will get cleaned, my floors will get mopped, my dishes will get done, my laundry will get put away. But at the end, I will probably be more frazzled, more fatigued and more on edge. And here's a thought: As time goes by, I am more and more convinced that God has so much more to do with the tiny little "inconsequential" nuances of my daily routine. And there are days when I forget this, or choose to ignore it, but that does not change the fact, that He is here, in my messy house, in my messy mind, and really and truly in control of it all, whether I acknowledge or willingly give over that control or not. Not to say that I have no choice or freedom of action. I know it is NOT God's fault if I choose to be lazy, selfish, disorganized, and the like. But I have come to see that there are times when circumstances are orchestrated that are outside of my control, (or not) and instead of trying to figure out how they got that way, and why I am in such a state because of it, what I need to do is thank God for being with me where I am and making the best of what I can with what I have while I am here (I've been reading Dickens, forgive the run-on sentences). I could spend the remainder of my squandered time questioning why I do this, why I can't seem to get motivated sometimes except by threat of time running out, why danger of failing at the last minute energizes me so, and then feel guilty that I am having these thoughts at all and let them paralyze me further, or I can decide to tear my eyes away from the destructive self examination and fix my eyes firmly on THIS moment. On what I have to do NOW, now that the time has slipped by, now that I am faced with the shame of my bad stewardship and the possibility of not accomplishing what I know to be important goals. So, at the end of my rant, here is my advice to myself: Get in the moment, quit analyzing why you are there, and just do what needs to be done. In other words, just for a little while...act like a man....while retaining the amazing multitasking powers of the woman God created you to be. Okay, I'm going to clean my toilet now. :)

1. Claire is the most delicious baby you have ever seen. It is literally impossible to pick her up without kissing her. I am so head over heels in love with her.
2. I am so thankful for good friends, and for their love, and patience and encouragement.
3. My husband just seems to get better looking all the time. I think he's so much sexier now than when we got married.
4. George is reading "Driving Force: The Natural Magic of Magnets" written by an MIT professor....and he loves it.
5. Ian boy will be 5....5!!!! In 17 days....how did this happen?
6. Grace is so completely The Princess and the Pea...she's started randomly throwing things out of her bedroom at night because she "just can't sleep with them around her."
7. I *may*, I *might*, I (Oh please, please, please, for the love of all that is good and holy, Lord) *could possibly* be driving home with the kids to stay in NH and Maine in August for like 2 weeks!!!!!
8. I am almost done Bleak House, and seriously, I am just so thankful for Charles Dickens. No modern author (okay, maybe Douglas Adams) even comes close to the scathing wit, the deep figurative allusions, and just the complete mastery of the English language than "Chuck" (as Nate so irreverently calls him).
9. I *may* have a lead on a treadmill......I hope, I hope, I pray, I wish.
10. There is salad in my fridge. :)

Happiness...

I love my husband. He's been working his tail off. It is the thick of the crazy-busy season at work right now. He is overworked, stressed, stretched, and exhausted. Yesterday he left home at about 6:30 am, and got home at about 10:30 pm, which is about an hour later than normal. He didn't even get so much as a chance for a drink of water until 12:30, and didn't get time for "lunch" until 5:30. He has a million and one loose ends he is trying to hold together and remember. This morning he left at about 4:30 am since he had to be at a jobsite at 5:30.

Well, yesterday, George finished his 1st grade phonics work. He was so very excited and said he couldn't wait to tell Daddy. I knew Nate wouldn't probably get home until after bedtime so I said we could call and tell him. Nate's phone was repeatedly busy so George just left him a message. I could tell he was a little disappointed. When Nate got home I asked him if he got G's message and just told him he should try to remember to make a big deal out of it the next time he saw George. He was about half awake as I told him this, and I thought I'd probably have to remind him later, too. Now, you must understand that Nate is not one of these people who writes notes or cards or whatever to people. He does not see a need for it usually and dreads doing it when he "has" to. So, I was so incredibly thrilled to see the joy on my son's face this morning when he showed me what Nate left him.

1. BK Mocha Joe.....those things are so flippin' awesome!!!!!!!
2. It's Friday, which means tomorrow is Saturday, which means the day after that Nate will be home.
3. Watching George get so excited about finding new books at the library and read them voraciously.
4. We had a fantabulous time camping last week. It really was wonderful.
5. Charles Dickens....that is all.
6. Nate got home before the kids went to bed last night and we all prayed together before bedtime.
7. My parents found a car!!
8. Did I mention the Mocha Joe's?? And also making my own "Frapuccinos" at home...yummy!!
9. I have a cool idea for a Father's Day for Nathan...and I need to go work on it!!
10. w@h ....so thankful.
5.

Why am I blogging on a Sunday?!?!? Because Nate is happily being climbed upon by the children on the couch while watching Nascar (I believe our descent into redneckhood is almost complete) and the baby is sleeping, and I am just stinking lazy. There are things I could be doing (always) but I just don't feel like it. I layed around this afternoon while 3 out of 4 kidlets napped and I slept in this morning. It's nice to feel a bit of the stringent tenseness melting out of me, being replaced by a semi-relaxed state of sleepiness.

Ah yes, I actually have content to document here. I went to the Dr. this week. It was mostly an exercise in futility, but I guess it's good to know things are "as they should be" pronounced by someone with letters after their name. I went because I've been having this weird abdominal swelling every month around the time I am ovulating. The Dr. said he really didn't think there was a connection between the swelling and ovulation, but if I really thought there was, maybe I should do something to suppress my ovulation, like start running 5 miles a day. He also said I should lose 10 lbs, and maybe that would help, but he really didn't have any idea what is going on. Some good has come of this, though, since in relating the story of the visit, some knowledgable friends have given me some ideas as to what it actually could be, and some ideas of things that could help. I am going to be looking into doing a cleanse soon, and thinking more along the lines of endometriosis. Regardless of what exactly is going on, I think Nate is more inclined towards our getting a treadmill now. If it is ovulation, endo, or some GI thing, exercise will help. Another thing exercise will help is this growing off and on battle with my....well, for lack of a better word...chemical balances. I refuse to call it depression, as it isn't to that point yet, but the times between the struggles are getting smaller, from years to months to weeks and I can see down the paths starting to reopen before me now the glimmers of dark places I have not been to in a long time, and have no wish to revisit. SO, I think getting a treadmill and MAKING it a priority to get daily exercise will be good on many fronts. I dream about running all the time now. I am looking and trying to be judicious and a good steward and just waiting for the Lord to bring the right deal along. We shall see.

On an entirely different note, I am really trying to decide which of Grace's "mispronunciations" is my favorite...."Dark Baiter" (Darth Vader) or "Sweeping Booty" (Sleeping Beauty).

10 Strange Things about Me....

My sincerest apologies to Windy who tagged me for this like....(I don't know) awhile ago, and I haven't done it until tonight....so here goes....

1. As referenced slightly above, I have no internal chronometer. Like, you could put me in a room with no windows and no clocks and come back in 1o minutes and tell me you were gone three hours or vice versa and I would believe you. I really can't tell.

2. In spite of #1, for some God-is-giggling-about-it reason, I almost ALWAYS see 12:34 on the clock. I am not a habitual clock watcher at all, but for some reason, I almost always happen to glance at the clock when it is this...am and pm. I have tried to NOT see it, but I end up getting all anxious and can't stand it anymore and have to look and yup...there it is...12:34

3. My belly button has always looked like an arrow....pointing up. (Yes, it's a saggy arrow now)

4. I inadvertantly talk like whomever I am talking to. Dh can totally tell who I am talking to by how I am talking. I don't mean to do it, I just do it. Their tone of voice, their accent, their expressions, etc. I have no idea why.

5. I can't touch chalk. I don't know why either. It totally creeps me out, like makes my skin crawl.

6. Although I haven't drank really in over 10 years, I crave vodka almost ALL the time.

7. I am obsessed with Christmas. I love twinkling lights anytime. I listen to Christmas music all year round. Something inside me just sings continually when I even think about it.

8. I love tie dye, and classic rock. I am a thinly disguised hippie born in the wrong generation.

9. I HATE to hear myself sing. I enjoy singing only when I can't hear myself.

10. Okay, apparently, the scar weirdness is just too strange so I will change #10 to something else: The last strange thing about me: I sneeze twice every night before I go to sleep. Always.

1. All my kids are healthy and (usually) happy.
2. My husband is able to work, I know that is a blessing.
3. I have family who loves me and supports me, always.
4. I have food in my fridge and pantry and freezer.
5. We have enough clothes to wear, and then some.
6. We have a house big enough for all of us, and then some.
7. I got a new inhaler.
8. I can read my Bible anytime, without ever fearing for my life or safety because I am doing so.
9. I have such an incredible network of wise and wonderful friends, online and off.
10. I am able to do what I need to take care of my children and my home.

Wordless Wednesday

The Monkey Children

In the blogging world, I am so not even up to "ameteur" status.

There are people who faithfully blog their daily activities; there are people who blog to tell you about great deals and wonderful ideas; and there are other people who blog witty, intelligent, thought-provoking, convicting essays.

I am none of the above.

I blog because it helps clear my head, and it helps me to see my crazy disordered thoughts written down. Okay, you say, then why not just write them down in a journal or in a word document for yourself? And....well, I don't really know the answer to that, except that I think there is a part of me that enjoys being "part" of something...such as "the blogging world", and even though I don't blog for the benefit of anyone but myself, and usually no one else would even find my blog posts intelligible, let alone interesting, I always do treasure when someone leaves a comment saying they at least understood, if not appreciated or commiserated with me about something that I wrote. Words of affirmation are a strong love language with me. Words, period, mean a lot to me. I hold books as one of the most valuable of my possessions, with my old worn out Bible being most precious. I have cards from people that wrote me 2 lines that touched my heart....10 years ago or more. I have saved every word that Nathan has ever written to me. And I long to hear more of his words, always, no matter what the subject. On Mother's Day, Ian wrote me a "card". It was a piece of cardstock, crookedly cut out to a small rectangular shape, with this written on it, "U love (picture of a heart) I" I knew as soon as I saw it that it would be one of my most treasured possessions forever. I love words, and not only words of affirmation, but words of learning, of conviction, etc. So, I think perhaps it fulfills a longing in my soul to have my own words "immortalized" in a fashion, by having them published for all the world to see. Even though the quality of them is usually scrambled, if not fried (hmm, I'm thinking eggs for supper..where was I??) I like to have them here. And thanks to anyone who has ever liked them, too. :)

His mercies are new every morning...

.....Of course, and I knew this, and I know it now. I think sometimes I convince myself that there are pits too deep for God to climb into. As if MY sin is just too "bad" for the Father of forgiveness to take away. It is amazing-the presumption of pride. But the truth is, that Jesus became, has already become, (and taken care of) every shameful, evil, malevelant, disgusting sin there ever was. So, for me to cry out to Him in my sin is not ludicrous, it's what He has been waiting for me to figure out that I should do. I can't begin to convey the depth of my gratefulness for this fact.

I have nothing nice to say...so I should say nothing, right? I guess I am hoping that if I get all the not nice things off my chest and onto the computer they will not weigh so heavily. Or maybe I just want to gripe......

I am angry, just stressed and angry and feel at the end of my frayed rope and utterly alone in this struggle of parenting and living. I know IN MY HEAD that the Lord is with me, that His strength is made perfect in my great faltering weakness, that I can do all things through Him, but my heart is just turning a blind eye to all that written out so neatly and sweetly. It sometimes is hard to get those words past the screaming and the poop and the stress and the fighting and the defiance and the long lonely hours. I know I am stuck focusing on the negative, but I just can't seem to gather the willpower to change my perspective. Right now I just hate....I don't even know what....the fact that I am alone? The fact that my husband is in a job where he gives 110% of himself (which leaves next to nothing for his family) and is not appreciated for it, but demeaned by the one whose company he is fighting for?? the fact that there is poop in the bathtub and the laundry room right now that I am just too completely stressed out to clean up without totally losing it?? The fact that after all these years, at times like this I still crave cigarettes??? Yuck. Maybe it's the fact that there are times I can fool myself and possibly others into thinking I have things together somewhat and can actually cope well with what my life entails, and then I have a day like today on top of a day like yesterday and all of sudden I feel utterly exposed as the incompetent wretch that I am. How is is good for my children to have a mother like this? How is it good for my husband to have a wife like this? It's not. And yet here I sit, in my wretchedness. I am tired, oh so tired, physically and emotionally and mentally exhausted. And I am not reacting well, I am not acting well, I am not thinking well. Certainly nothing approaching godliness. I just want to leave, I just want to run, I just want to erase all of this for the shame of it being true. How can my outlook be so mercurial?? One day I feel on top of the world, as if I can feel the mighty hand of God leading and protecting me, and then sometimes it's as if I have leaped a chasm He just won't cross. I suppose that is the leap into sin, where God can have no part. It's not that my circumstances are so horrible, far from it. It's just that somedays I cannot summon the energy to react towards them as I know I should. And this has become one of those days.

Friday Felicities

• I made the absolute best tasting homemade vanilla ice cream this morning, and added some homemade strawberry jelly to half of it...yum
• Claire looks beyond adorable in little curly pigtails
• Only two more days til Nate has a day off
• A REALLY good paycheck for Nate's 76 hours last week
• Chatting with friends online, on the phone and in person
• Being invited to play games with friends tonight...I can't wait!!
• Getting a little progress on Mt. Laundrytobedone
• Boys who play outside HAPPILY for over an hour together
• My new Kodak scanner/copier/ PICTURE PRINTER!!!!!!
• Hugs from my kids......way more valuable than any money I could be paid for my work
• Emails from my cute, sweet and wonderful mother
• Finding friends
• Corny jokes a la Ian "Hey, Mama, Knock Knock!...(Who's there)....Hat...(hat who?)...Hat who is wearing on George when he goes outside to play!!!.......get it?????"
• Observations a la George "Mama, I noticed we don't have an antenna on our van. Racecars don't have antennas either, probably so they don't get distracted by the radio when they are supposed to be paying attention to driving."
• Demands a la Gracie "It's sixty-firty to wake up time, Mama, I stayed in my bed and my nundewaaaaaare is dwy, can I have some mint gum??"
• Declarations a la Clairey "No, NO!" (pointing at the table, which she's been corrected twice for climbing up on today)
• Remembering Nattie on Fridays especially....:)

Did I really say that?!?

It seems like strange things have been coming out of my mouth lately. They make perfect sense in the context in which they occur, but taken out, they do sound pretty weird. Here are some examples:

• "Stop using the force on your sister!"
• "We do not eat dinosaurs."
• "Please don't make jewelry out of your fruit."
• "It's not nice to pretend to flush Grandma."
• "Legos do not go in your underwear."
• "Get Spiderman off the cat."
• "No, I do not want to see your 'cool' stinky."
• "Yes, I'm sure Batman loves you."
• "We do not dance while we are peeing."
• "No, I don't think Jesus is hiding under your bed."
• "Monsters are allergic to freesia body spray."
• "No, Daddy does not just swim in pools all day."
• "No, wild rice does not turn you into a wild animal."

And then there are the things that I say on average 657 times per day. Man, if I only had a nickel for every time I said....

• "Shut, flush, and wash."
• "No whining!!!!!!!"
• "Use your words."
• "If you get it out, put it away."
• "Go potty now!"
• "Hands in your pockets in the store."
• "Figure it out."
• "Obey right away, the right way, with the right attitude."
• "Quietly, quietly."
• "Is that loving your neighbor?"
• "I love you"
• "No, we can't call Daddy right now."
• "No snacks right now."

And then there's the things I wish I said more often.....

• "Of course you may do the laundry for me."
• "No, Dear, I don't mind if you take the kids for the day."
• "Sure, I'd like another Starbucks."
• "Round trip tickets to see my parents?? Great!"
• "Oh, I dropped another size! How about that?"
• "Maid service for life? Okay, if that's what you think best, Dear."
• "No, I am not too young to have all these children."
• "Girl's night out? Okay!!"
• "You taught yourself to clean the bathroom top to bottom? What a good boy!"
• "I'd love to have some flowers, how sweet!"

And then there's the things that I continually have to remind myself of, that I tell myself over and over....

• "Thou will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee."
• "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
• "Remember your grandmother."
• "Only a few more days until Nate is home."
• "Give it to the Lord."
• "Action, not anger."
• "Let it go."
• "Be a blessing."
• "She opens her mouth in wisdom and on her tongue is the law of kindness."
• "His grace is sufficient for me."
• "His mercies are new every morning."

I guess that last list is the one I need to keep in mind. :)

1. Only two days until Nathan is home with us ALL DAY
2. I get to go to the church yard sale tommorow
3. It is sunny and warm and breezy out
4. I am sort of (crossing my fingers) caught up on laundry
5. Everyone took a nap today....PTL!!
6. Nate is wisdom tooth-less and has done great so far.
7. I had a great big Caesar salad for lunch, and it was wonderful
8. I need to make bread today.....but thanks to my Zo, it will take me all of 5 minutes to do, then 2 1/2 hours later, fresh homemade bread!!
9. Facebook.......I'm starting to love it.
10. I am so thankful for friends who inspire and encourage and sharpen me just by being themselves.

I'm looking for curriculum for George for second grade. It is a frustrating endeavor. I know what I think he needs to know, I know what he knows now, and I know what "they" say he should know in second grade. I also know that I want to get a lot of Rod and Staff again, but not everything. I am checking out Miquon Math, and looking into getting a science book. One of the things I love about homeschooling is that you don't have to wait for the slowest kid in the class to catch up before you can move on to new material. I mean, if my child gets fractions after one lesson, great, on to the next thing, and if they don't get it after 3 weeks, then we can stay working on it until he does get it. I love this. BUT, it has lent itself to a bit of impatience with the curriculum. On one hand, I am very thankful for well organized, godly curriculum that presents material in an easy to digest fashion, and takes the guess work out of what I should teach when. On the other hand, what if said wonderful curriculum is taking 3x as long as is necessary (for my child) to explain the parts of speech, or the basics of a math concept? Do I skip pages of review, risking that I may miss an important step in nailing the concept in my child's mind, or do I make him do all the repetitive pages and reviews, risking that he loses interest in the subject and starts to dread doing schoolwork at all??? (I am so not one of these home school people who think that school should just be a chore and they are going to do it whether they like it or not. My goal is to instill a love of learning in my children and nurture their natural curiosity.) I have not found the end-all, be-all answer for this dilemma, and it comes up in a much bigger way when I am choosing curriculum. What if all of the concepts that are introduced for the second grade are things we have already talked about, and I know he understands? Do I get it anyway, because he needs the review, and I may have missed some key fragment that would keep him from understanding it wholly later on? Or do I only get what will be all new and challenging to him? I am not sure what to do.....I am sure I am not doing Rod and Staff math, there is no longer any question that it is just waaaaaay too slow and repetitious. If I had G do all the review in the math books, he would surely learn to dread and be bored by math. Right now, he is still retaining interest, and enjoying it, doing what we have been, which is skipping every other page, and doing half of it orally. I know he is ready for much more advanced math, and I am hoping what I find for 2nd grade will be a better fit for him.

Should I get a separate Bible curriculum, or just continue to supplement Bible reading to the readers, which are straight from Bible stories? Should I get some sort of a devotional for him? Should I start teaching Bible stories, a la felt figures and board??? And what about Grace and Ian?? Do I really need to buy anything just to teach them basic phonics and beginning reading? (I don't really think so) Should I do them together, or would it be better to teach them separately? Hmmmm, can you tell I have a TON of questions in my mind right now about this? (And have I reached my quota for question marks???)

I am excited, though, for George to be doing second grade, and for us to be doing it together. I love homeschooling (as challenging as it is sometimes, and as inept as I am too often) and I am so thankful that we are able to do it. I know it is only going to get more challenging as time goes on
but possibly part of the routine will get easier with time.....like mothering. I mean, the more kids you have, the harder it is to keep up with everything, but the more knowledge passes to instinct, and routines get into place, so you don't have to think about them as much anymore. I am still a little conflicted on which camp I will fall into when it comes to co-ops, lessons, sports and all. It seems like there are two extremes that most people fall into (and I know wonderful, godly families that are in both camps). There is the harried, running here, there and everywhere, kids in all sorts of lessons (piano, horseback, Spanish, soccer, ballet, art, etc.), perpetually exhausted and stretched far too thin, time wise and financially. And on the other end of the spectrum are the families that aren't involved in anything, and are together as a family all the time, whose children don't have any "extra-curricular" activities at all. I can see good sides to both, and I can also see that the time I have to observe and decide is decreasing, and the opportunities and options for involvement are only increasing. Of course, just as in any endeavor, this needs to be bathed in prayer, and peace sought for confirmation of any decision.

Speaking of decisions, and peace, (since this is my blog and there aren't actually any "topic police" who fine you if you go from rabbit trail to rabbit trail in your topics..) I am so greatly relieved to have finally been given peace over a subject which I had agonized over for over a year. I went over and over the arguments for both sides of the coin, talked to many different couples who had made the decision we are considering, and prayed and prayed and talked and talked, and waited on the Lord, and just recently I feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest. While doing my routine rumination of this subject, I suddenly realized that I didn't feel the internal conflict any more, I didn't feel the guilt or the indecision or the angst that had so far accompanied any mental perusal of the facts pertaining to this decision. It is a beautiful thing to be released to peace. We haven't taken any steps toward acting on this decision, and who knows, maybe the Lord will bring some other things forward for us to consider about this, but for right now, I am just so thankful to the Lord that He has set me free in this.

And on that note, I think I will get back to looking at curriculum......:)

This always happens. I have pages and pages of things I write in my head, just aching to blog them at the time I am thinking them, imagining how it will clarify my thought process and be wonderful to get it all down. Then, on the rare occasion that I actually have time to sit down and type at the computer, all of these seemingly pertinent thoughts have flitted away like so many elusive butterflies in the spring time. Maybe it's that there is just so much, all the time, swirling and thrashing around in my head, that when I have to actually pick a single topic to concentrate on, it's kind of hard. I guess I should write something, though, after all, I am here, now.

Yes, I am here, sitting in my rocker, next to the sleeping cat on my messy bed. The window is beside me, and outside the window is a thin dogwood. It seems almost bent down with the weight of the big blossoms on it. They seem way out of proportion to the spindly branches holding them up to the sun. But, it's nice to look at. There's also (while we are on our tour of "Charity's view") the stump of a tree that a little yellow and black bird has been diligently trying for 3 days now to peck a hole into, I'm assuming a hole big enough for him to live in. These Georgia pines do grow so tall and thin. Being from "The Pine Tree State", I do consider myself if not an expert, then at least an expert appreciator of the pine tree. Pine trees in Maine grow tall, but they are ever so much fuller and fatter than the ones here.

Okay, I'm bored reading what I've written, what hope do I have that the unsuspecting random reader here has even made it this far without falling asleep and drooling all over their keyboards??? *Please note that the author of this blog is not legally responsible for damage to keyboards caused by drooling readers* Hey, maybe that could be my new home business! Not drool on keyboards I mean, but I could set up a website where I write whatever mind dulling drivel I think of for the purpose of putting my readers to sleep. Insomniacs everywhere will be blessing my name. ;P

And now for something completely different...

It is April, we are just on the cusp of pool season. Of course, I know this every year, I feel more prepared every year. Usually I have a bit of a freak out those first few late nights, the first 6 work day week, but then I mentally get in the groove and get into gear for it, and it's fine. But this year, I have older children who actually notice that their Daddy is suddenly not able to be around, and they don't understand why. Well, George understands why, although he may be having the hardest time with it, at least he gets it. Ian and Grace are not old enough to understand, they just want him here. And I think it seems harder this year as well because of the way that God has orchestrated circumstances and Nate's heart since last year, and he more than ever wishes he could be home. I think I am actually the one in the family that will have the easiest time of it this year, besides darling Claire, who is still blissfully clueless that anything is different than it was a month ago. Still, we shall persevere, and I know it is my responsibility to be the glue that holds us all together, and I know that with Christ making His strength perfect, complete, in my weakness, that I can do it.

On another topic entirely, I am so discouraged about my lack of weight loss. I have never been so heavy this long after having a baby, not even when I was 3 or 4 months pregnant again. It's not that I have a TON of weight to lose, either, it's just that it won't budge. Not that I am killing myself exercising to get rid of it, though. I think that's half the discouragement right there, I feel like I am unable to get to the exercise that I know would kick these last 15-20 lbs. I have tried several times to do an exercise video in the afternoon, but with the boys only sleeping every other day, and even then it seems like someone is up every 15 minutes, it only gets more and more frustrating trying to get into doing a 30 minute video. I have looked into getting a treadmill, but then I think I would only run into the same problem. I know there are moms with little kids who actually find time to exercise, but I don't know where they find the energy, or the uninterrupted time. I have started to consider actually looking into getting a real gym membership, but I really don't know if the time and money for that is a reasonable expectation. But, I will be having my 2nd 29th birthday this year, it's kind of big one, and I have thought about getting together a "sales presentation" for Nate on why a gym membership would be good. Of course, there's always child care, but I think some gyms have child care there, although there would have to be a pretty high set of standards met for me to feel comfortable with leaving my kids. I know I have friends out there who would gnaw their own feet off before putting their children in a situation like that, but I have yet to be convinced either way. I know it is a long shot, but I am going to check it out anyway. Who knows??

And now I have officially wiled away the time when I should have been doing laundry, but on the upside, I feel a bit less stressed than I did a while ago. And tomorrow holds promise of a picnic at the park (oh boy, what on earth am I going to bring for food...) and also friends coming over to play games, so that will be fun. I am way late on mailing my mom's birthday present, because I had this idea in my head and couldn't find exactly what I was looking for, so I don't know exactly what to do now......okay I'm done babbling, you may return to your regularly scheduled surfing.

Babbling.....

Kids are playing outside. Baby is napping. I am sitting here checking my email (among other things) because I know if I don't do it now, I will want to do it this afternoon while I should be trying to get the rest of my stuff ready for the consignment sale. I have all but a few clothing items tagged, only about 20 left. I have all the shoes done, most of the bibs, and I did have all the cute little socks sorted and laid out, until Ian and Grace decided to raid my closet. I am typing slowly because somehow I totally flipped out on my own floor the other night, smashed my knee against the door frame and tore half of my thumbnail off. I'm still not exactly sure how I fell, but it must have looked funny when I did. My shoulder is going out again. My neck/shoulder muscles are so tense and sore. I need to get back the the chiropractor. I haven't been since before Christmas.

I am so beyond exhausted, it's ridiculous. Kids have been up, sick, teething, bad dreams, etc. a ton. Several nights lately I have just slept in the girls room, or rather laid there half asleep for short intervals of time inbetween getting up with one or the other of them. I'm sure one of these days everyone will sleep throught the night again....hopefully.....right????

Claire is walking faster all the time, she is so cute. She reminds me of a friends' son whose father said of him "He isn't really walking as much as he's just throwing his feet at the floor." :) We are all very excited because we are going to the circus on Thursday night!! One of Nate's clients gave him tickets for Christmas. The kids are so hyped up, counting down the days. We were hoping to go down and visit David one of these weekends, but it hasn't worked out yet. Hopefully soon as well, although I'd really prefer to be a little bit caught up on rest before we go down.

I still haven't found a treadmill yet. Either they are too expensive, too cheap/junky to run on, or they are gone before I contact the person. I haven't checked in a few days, actually, I need to look again. I wish I could just join a gym. I miss that so much, but (as I keep reminding myself) that is a monetary and logistical impossibility right now. Maybe in a few years. I need to start doing my Tae Bo videos again, but I have been trying every spare moment to get the consignment sale done, I haven't done any exercising in almost 2 weeks now! Blech....that's not the way for me to get into my summer clothing.

Nate and I have been watching The Office on dvd from Netflix lately. We just finished disc 2 of Season 2. I know we are going to be so bummed when we catch up to current times and there is no more Office on tv because of the dumb writers strike!!

On a happy note, I picked up the first Mitford book at Goodwill the other day. I had found the second one at Sal. Army a few weeks ago, and considered buying the rest online, but as I couldn't find them for less than about $4 a piece with shipping, I decided to wait. I started At Home in Mitford last night. It was lovely. I also found a copy of Intimate Issues by Linda Dillow and someone else whose name I can't remember. I had heard from several people that this was a good book, and it was in great condition so I picked it up. I have read about half of it, and it is sooooo good. It has really opened my eyes a lot, and I have already learned quite a bit. I have several friends I will want to loan it out to when I am done. I highly recommend it, at least what I have read so far.

I have no idea what I am going to make for lunch for the kids. I know what I'm having, though...a great big mug of coffee!! I've been trying to time my caffeine consumption just right so that I don't caffeinate my breast milk and make Clairey even less likely to sleep, as has happened a few times, I suspect. I really don't know when I will be done nursing. I have no reason to stop, really, and she shows no inclination towards quitting, although I think she does enjoy a bottle more than me if she's really hungry, and she's not really a kid who likes to comfort nurse a whole lot. I nurse her once in the early morning, once at afternoon naptime, once at bedtime, and then whenever she really wants to if she wakes up in the night, which has been quite a bit lately. Someone asked me awhile ago when I quit nursing my babies, and I said "When I am 3 or 4 months pregnant." So, really, I don't know if this time, I just won't know when to quit, since I don't plan on being pregnant again.

I think I've babbled enough. Obviously, I couldn't think of any one theme or topic to talk about, but just thought it had been too long since I have actually blogged. I promise next time will be much more interesting. (written for the benefit of anyone reading this who is still awake after reading this far.)

I came really close to buying a treadmill over the weekend, but unfortunately, it was sold before I got back with the person, and now I am kicking myself over it. I would love, love, love, love to have a treadmill. I ran for years (pre-baby days) and I am starting to feel that yearning again, and to be able to do that at home, when I can, without having to find childcare or drive anywhere, that would be very blissfull. I have done the Billy Blanks Tae Bo foundations video
a few times now, and I really like it. I have been getting more sleep lately, since the baby has been sleeping all night almost every night for about a week and a half (Praise the Lord!!!) so I should have more energy in the morning, but every time I try to get up early to work out or get stuff done, I am so exhausted by noonish, I am crabby and worthless. I think I get my best quality sleep from about 4am to 8am. The problem is I rarely get to stay in bed until 8 am. Maybe I just need to stick it out and get into more of a routine, and once it becomes habitual, it won't be so bad. I do really want to get a treadmill, though. I am watching a few on ebay and keeping my eyes out on local sites, and really hoping something comes up soon. I need to start doing something, if not for my health and weight loss, than just for stress reduction. I swear I would be a nicer person if I had a punching bag in my closet. I hate to admit it, having railed against the Buchanan temper all my life, but I do have a twinge of it. Somewhere in my blood there courses the long lost genes of a fierce Scottish warrior, and it does get the best of me sometimes. I am praying that if it is the Lord's will, He will let me find a decently priced, good quality treadmill. Just imagining running in my bedroom, listening to Third Day, getting all the angst pushed out in sheer physical exhaustion.......this sounds heavenly.

This is a picture of the boys playing in the snow in Maine. As I sit here, with the window to my back, I can almost feel the happiness of my Georgia trees, as they are now covered with snow. It looks so beautiful outside. How lovely for the Lord to have given us this gift of winter "warmth" by sugaring our scenery. :)

I had great plans to get out my New Years Letter today. I was going to finish it on Saturday, stuff envelopes on Sunday, and mail it out today. Yeah, that didn't happen. I did have a wonderful, absolutely wonderful time on Saturday at the Ladies of Grace brunch. What a sweet and lovely hostess, she was thrilled to have us all invade her home, dirty up her beautiful dishes, and crowd her house all up. We had tea, coffee, muffins, fresh fruit, and her famous, to die for quiche. The company was delightful, there was a very timely devotional by a lovely Titus 2 woman who shared her heart and encouraged us to keep our eyes on the Lord, not on ourselves as we strive to meet our goals. I got to meet some new people, fellowship with others, and finally got to participate in the secret prayer pals. I don't know the woman whose name I picked at all, so I am excited to get to know her and pray for her. I have never gotten to go to this brunch before, and have wanted to every year since we started going to the church. It was worth the wait, and the entire lovely experience was sponsered by my dear and sacrificing friends who gave their time, their service and their love to allow me to go to this. I love them, and I am so thankful for them. Saturday afternoon the kids took great naps, and was able to finally finish organizing the playroom/school room/computer room. I got the bookshelves moved, the dress up clothes organized, all the toys and books gone through, the craft things organized, the toybox reduced, and the stacks of stuff on the shelves contained. May I just say that I am addicted to the cute little storage boxes from Big Lots. They are white, come in many different sizes, and are only $1.50-$3.00!!! I have 9 of them on my shelves right now and they work so well. They keep everything neat and contained and easy to take down. Anyway, so I got that all done, then made Claire's birthday cake and supper and got the rest of the house picked up. Nate's parents came over at 6 and we had a little (late) birthday celebration for Claire. She was so cute, eating chocolate cake for the first time and opening her presents. Big George had a cold, so they didn't stay too long. Nate moved the living room around so the loveseat is back in front of the tv. The living room looks so empty without the Christmas tree and decorations in it. I still don't have the pictures back up on the walls. My house seems somehow bereft, like I took away it's pretty scarf and it is standing in the cold looking at me accusingly, waiting for me to wrap it back up again, in something. That night I snuggled on the loveseat next to Nathan while he watched football, and that was where my trouble started.

Well, trouble, or lack of self control perhaps, would be a better term. You see, I am addicted........to books. I love them, I worship them, I exult in the written word, the feel of pages, the heavy thickness of a volume in my hands, pregnant with the promise of interesting vocabulary, entrancing storylines, surprising plot twists; The beauty and familiarity of the classics, the evocative lustre of modern books, the transendant ability of "the story" to take you to another place, blind you with sunlight late at night and make your nostrils curl, filled with the scent of a bonfire, listening to the crackle of twigs and logs succumbing to bright flames, while you are lying in bed. Take you to another plane of experience and teach you and show you things your mind never would have gone to otherwise. I lust after books, I need them, I yearn for them. There is a sense of peace in my soul that can only be achieved by holding a fat book in my hands and knowing that I have this "place" to go to, this small haven of imagination to retreat to. I totally suffer from abibliophobia (the fear of being without books).....I get seriously stressed out if I know I have no book to read-If I have read everything on my shelves numerous times recently, and I have nothing waiting for me when I am done reading whatever I am reading. Trips to the library are almost as good as trips to Starbucks for me. (I'll wax eloquent about my coffee addiction another time.) Now, don't get me wrong, I am a mother and wife first and I don't spend all my day reading, but just to know that when I am done my day, when I do have a few precious moments to sit and not be consumed with all the many things I have to be doing at that moment, a good book is waiting for me- that is a glorious feeling.

I have been slowly working my way through the Dickens novels. My brother-in-law gave me a beautiful copy of Great Expectations three years ago for Christmas. That started me re-interest in Dickens and I read that and quickly went on to Oliver Twist, Dombey and Son, Our Mutual Friend, Bleak House (Oh, Bleak House, lovely, lovely) The library does not have The Old Curiosity Shop, (appalling, I know) so I tried at this point to start The Pickwick Papers, and just couldn't get into it. So I read a few other series. I love Dickens, I think he is an absolute genious, but he's pretty heavy. So, interspersed with the Dickens novels, I usually read other books inbetween, and sometimes while, reading other ones. I had resolved to get through the Pickwick Papers, and started it last week sometime, after finishing books 4+5 of a series I started last year. I got about 200 pages in, and started to languish, so I thought I would get some "braincake" reading to distract me for awhile and then be able to go back to Pickwick and finish it. Here is where my aforementioned trouble comes in. I had heard from a few people that "The Time Travelers Wife" was a good one, (in the "braincake") category, so I got it from the library on Thursday. Saturday evening at about 10, sitting with Nathan on the loveseat I started to read it. I was almost immediately hooked, and tried to stop reading several times that night but couldn't stop until page 212 at about 12:30 or 1. Yesterday Claire slept in way late, (so Nate let me sleep in as well-I love that man!!) and by the time I, and the baby, had gotten up and around, church was out of the question. Nate was wanting to do something fun with the kids anyway, so we packed them up and went to a McDonalds with Hi-fi and an outside playground, and let them have a great time playing while we drank coffee and Nate looked online at work-from-home possibilities. We had a great time. Then we asked where they wanted to eat lunch and pizza was voted best, so we went to Stevie B's, where the whole family can eat salad, pizza, and ice cream for $17.12. Then we went home and all took a nap. When I woke up at 4ish (again, my wonderful husband let me sleep) I couldn't keep myself from starting to read again, and read off and on all afternoon and evening, interspersed with reading to the kids and fixing supper and getting the kids to bed. I knew I was getting sucked into the story too much, and should go to something else, but I just wanted to find out what happened. I finally finished the book at about 1, and not only felt tragically as if I had lost something (as I usually do when I finish a good book), but also so weighed down by what the story had reminded me of. It was a very strange love story that ended with the husband dying, tragically, sadly, unnecessarily. It just made me think of love, and loss, and the worst wrenching of the heart- to lose someone you love. It brought back all the fear of when I heard my mother was in the hospital, worry over Ian's stomach hurting him randomly recently, empathy over the families of friends who have died, and anxiety for the future. I just laid in bed with tears streaming down my face next to my sleeping husband and prayed for the Lord not to take away those people whom I love. I just don't see how I could handle it. I dreamed fitfully all night, of love and loss and strange combinations of the book I had just finished and real life worries. It was not a restful night. I know if I had paced myself and read that book over the whole week, it wouldn't have been like that, but when I read a book so quickly, I just become enmeshed in the story, and I have a hard time getting my mind out of it. All of that to say that when I sat down here to write the New Years letter that I should have gotten done this weekend, all I could think of was the heaviness in my heart, the wrenching of unwanted tears, and the fear of a future that contains real reason to cry. In short, completely the opposite of what I was blessed with Saturday morning at the brunch, completely the opposite of what I intended to convey in my letter, and completely the opposite of what the Lord wants me to keep my mind trained upon.

These thoughts are not habitual with me, I do fight (strenuously) to keep them from my daily ruminations, and I hate when I succumb to the burden of anxiety, and give these things a foothold. I am disappointed in myself, and I am struggling now to dig out of the pit that I have plunged myself into. I can not live my life, I can not achieve my goals, I can not love my family and neighbors as I should when I am in that place. So, now I am trying to get back to that place, that peace of mind that comes only by having my mind stayed (fixed, determinedly steadfast) on the Lord. Not on a silly story that sucked me in, not on the uncertainty of the future, or the grief of the past, but on the certainty that nothing, not height, nor depth, not principality, nor power, nothing can seperate me from the love of Jesus.

It is January...God's gift of mercy and chance for restitution after the decadence of December, (on a purely unspiritual level). I am sitting in the relative warmth of my front room, with the window at my back, showing me mostly green grass, striped with shadows thrown by a shameless sun, who apparently thinks that January has nothing whatsoever to do with chill and cold and dark retreat. A Southern sun. Being from the North, an intrinsic part of my nature rebels at this seemingly unnatural predeliction of the sun to radiate so brightly, so gloriously, in January, of all months. It seems proper to me, rather, for the sun to be shrouded in heavy clouds, (pregnant with fat snowflake babies) and secluded among the white and distant skies. It was good to be around that Northern sun for awhile. The sun rises there early, sparkling bright on the sugar white diamonds of snow covering the ground. Apparently it is a forgetful sun, as it seems to rise with the expectation of going strong for a full summer day. By noon, I think it has realized that it is outnumbered greatly by winter clouds, and sheepishly resigns itself to acting as a proper winter sun should-gleaming weakly, and retiring early. About 1 pm, the clouds nudge each other conspiratorily and wink at the sun, who is starting to yawn already from its earlier efforts at blazing across the sky. By 3, the sun's eyelids are already drooping, and it is sinking towards it's snowy bed. By 4, for all intents and purposes, it is sunset, and the buzzing, hyper stars are already starting to twinkle with excitement, impatient for the sun to succumb to its slumber so that they can take center stage. This took some getting used to, as I have grown accustomed to a few more hours of daylight, even in the grip of winter. It just served as an excuse to break out the puzzles and coffee earlier, though, and stretched the children's naps in the afternoon until almost suppertime. I did adjust well, especially as I was so thoroughly delighted with the amount of snow (in the sky, on the ground, all around) that any other "inconvenience" of winter was rendered completely trivial. On our journey north, we first saw snow as dirty banks piled along the roadsides, but the farther north we went, the more glorious it became. Heading into New England, the interstates have been carved out of sheer rock, so to either side of the road, great jagged cliffs rise up, with snow layered upon the rocky outcroppings. It started snowing in earnest as we entered New Hampshire, great, sticky gangs of snowflakes flurrying down in a mad rush to cover everything. It was enthralling. When we pulled into my parents dooryard, my mother (who is just cute anyway, but in a homemade knit hat with a green pom-pom on top looks almost munchkin like) had just finished shoveling a path through the snowdrift left by the plowtruck at the end of her driveway. The children were delighted to see the heavy, ponderous flakes covering their arms and outstretched hands as they were carried from the van into the house. I think Grace laughed outloud non-stop. It is just my personal opinion, that while unsullied fields of radiant white reflecting the sun are nice, and while tall banks of frosting-like snowbanks could make a person smile, and that watching swirling flakes of crystalline beauty fall onto your mittened hand, show their geometric perfection, and then melt magically is also a beautiful thing, that the true glory of snow is revealed best when it is adorning trees. Seeing pine trees in the winter without snow just seems uncomplete, like seeing a woman lovingly caress her husbands face, with a hand that wears no wedding ring. It is amazing the different caricatures trees will become under a disguising blanket of snow. Sometimes they look like tall, elegant ladies, with slender white fingers outstretched to display the finest, intricate, gauzy lace. Sometimes the trees look like giant, stout mountain men, covered with layers and layers of heavy coats and blankets, smiling down at you from beneath great white wooly caps, as they trudge slowly up the hillside under their warm burdens. I just think trees need snow like children need kisses. I have a lot more to write about our time in the snowy north, but for now, I must go feed (and kiss) my wild children.