After Christmas ramblings

Happy after Christmas!! I have been bouncing between being totally exhausted/overwhelmed/overworked to being full of joy and energy and thankfulness. I am physically getting more able to be on the latter more, but every day is still a struggle, if a welcome one. My baby girl Grace is growing beautifully and doing great. She is such a joy, and so content. I am still amazed that I have a girl, and am still getting used to the new dynamics of our family. My back and hip are getting worse and I really need to go in to see a chiropractor or something. I will probably mention it to Dr. Boddy when I take Grace in for her next checkup. Christmas was here and gone. We have been so enjoying Scott and Mandi visiting. Scott is Nate's next youngest brother. I have to say, it is always somewhat of a bittersweet joy being around Scott because he is all that Nathan is not in the caring, attentive family man type. I really struggle with not comparing my lot with anothers. Now, I certainly do not want to be married to Scott, and don't even find him really attractive, but I just have a hard time not wishing Nathan were more like that. I need to keep reminding myself that Nate is exactly the man that God gave me, and he is exactly what I need. It's just my wanter that needs an adjustment. It's been hard to see Scott being so helpful and such a fulltime parent and me trying to get used to taking care of my three kids now, and Nathan being totally oblivious to me needing his help. A big part of it is that he is so not able to multi task, and when he is being "the big brother", I think he has a hard time being the husband and father at the same time. I know I am going to get really depressed when he goes back to work next week, and Scott and Mandi are gone, and it's just me and the kids again. I don't even want to think about how bad it's going to be in the busy season this year. It makes me cry just anticipating it. There I go again, breaking more of those holy habits of contentment, this time dwelling on tommorow. Boy, they sure do make a lot of sense to follow, look at how much turmoil of mind I could spare myself if I just would stick to them. Anyway, it's been nice to be around Nate's family so much, and his mom has been so incredibly helpful and wonderful. She thinks of everything, and has helped me out so much these last few days. We are going to get a family picture done at Target tommorow, of the whole Buchan clan, and a seperate one done of the kids. I hope it goes as well as it did when I took the boys to get theirs done, minus Ian running off. Well, I have laundry to put away, and shower to take before I sleep. Nate is staying at his mom's tonight with Ian. I had put Ian to bed while we were over there, and then the brothers decided to watch the extended version of Return of the King, so Nate is staying and bringing Ian back with him in the morning. So, I will sign off with this "Meme" thing I got off Misty's blog. Here's what her explanation of it is, and I hope someone will do it, even if I don't know you.


I just found out what a meme was thanks to Cheri. A meme is like that thing I did a couple of days ago where you answer questions about yourself, or you ponder things you normally wouldn't. I stole this one from Cheri's site, who stole it from another site. You get the idea! So, here's the Meme... It requires YOUR help so please take the time to do it for me. You can leave your post in the comment section at the bottom of this post.
A) First, recommend to me: 1. a movie.2. a book.3. a musical artist, song, or album.
B) Ask me three questions. Ask me anything you want.
C) Now go to your blog (if you have one), copy and paste this, and allow everyone to ask you the same.

Baby Grace 

Birth Story, finally!!! :)

Well, I was waiting and waiting to be able to post a birth story, and now it's been a few days since the happy event, and I am just now getting to it. I had been having prodromal labor for a few weeks, with strengthening contractions that would just peter out and didn't seem to be accomplishing anything. Monday afternoon and evening I had been having some more regular ctx, not very frequent, but requiring more concentration, and radiating down my legs more. After being "in and out" of labor for so long, though, the thought never really settled in my brain that this was really "it." We put the boys to bed, and went through our nightly routine as of late- Nate looking for baseball cards on ebay, me doing dishes and I think I took a shower, too. We have been watching episodes of The Andy Griffith Show on DVD every night before we go to sleep, and had settled in to doing that. I was watching some and pacing in the bedroom while Nate was still on the computer, then I laid down in bed with him and we watched some together at about 10:30. At 11:30, I had had a few ctx that I had to close my eyes and breathe through, and I told Nate I was going to go get in the hot tub so I could relax enough to go to sleep. I was in the tub for quite awhile, Nate fell asleep. When I got in the hot tub, I was moving around and decided to check myself while I was squatting. I could feel the baby's head behind the bag of waters. It was such a cool feeling, it really connected me to the baby, and was really exciting. The ctx radiating down my legs were getting stronger, but still not very frequent, maybe only every 10- 15 minutes, but I felt like I wanted warmer water on me. I had been going back and forth from the toilet to the tub, and then I got in the shower and put the spray on my legs. The part that really was getting tight was my upper thighs, the crease between my legs and my belly. I remember this being the worse while I was in labor with Ian. Being in the hot tub had felt good as far as being weightless, but the most comfortable position for me, sitting cross legged, didn't seem to be the best for dealing with the ctx. When I got into the shower, it felt good to put my hands on the far wall, and lock my knees and let my belly sway during the ctx. It was about this time, around 1:30, that I started to think maybe I was really in labor, and if not, that I was wanting Nate's support anyway. I got out of the shower and stood at the door to our bedroom and called his name. After he finally picked his head up, I said "I need you to get up and be with me." He fumbled for his glasses, and said "Yeah", then promptly put his head back down and closed his eyes. I said it again, louder, and this time, he woke up and got up. I told him I was getting back in the hot tub. When he got out there, he was all smiles, and I told him that I had felt the baby's head. I still wasn't positive this was really it, even though my ctx were much stronger now, and closer together. I thought I felt my water break while in the tub here, but I wasn't sure of it. I started to feel like I wanted the hotter water of the shower on my legs, and he helped me to the shower. In the hot tub and on the way to the shower, I was feeling like I was going to throw up, and even leaned over the toilet for awhile, but nothing happened. In the shower, at about 1:45, I started to feel more pressure down, and feel a little shaky. I thought I might be heading fast for transition, so I told Nate to call the midwife. He said he would, then did some other things, getting towels out, and some ice for me. I had another good ctx that felt more like pressure down a few minutes later and asked if he had called yet. He called her then, it was about 2:00 am. I was getting ancy in the shower, and got out. I felt a ctx coming while I was standing outside the shower, and just hung on Nate standing up. It was a much more comfortable position, just having him support my weight, and swaying my belly. I then went to head back to the hot tub. Right before I got to it, though, I could feel another one coming on stronger, and had him hold me the same way again. I remember how soft his gray Biogaurd fleece shirt felt on my face, it was nice. That ctx, my body just wanted to squat there, and after it, I told Nate I just needed to sit down right then. Thankfully, the birth kit was right out there, actually, he probably had gotten it out when I was in the shower, and he pulled out some blue pads and put them under and around me. I was sort of sitting, but with my legs up, and propping myself up on my arms behind me. He went to get something out of the bedroom, and I had a ctx while he was gone that I involuntarily pushed on, and my water broke with a splash that soaked the carpet past the blue pads. It felt good once the ctx switched from being in my legs to bearing down. He came back and held me, supported me as I leaned into him with my head. I roared through a ctx, and Nate kept telling me to breathe, and "SShh, it's alright, just relax." I knew the baby was coming right away, but couldn't verbalize it. Then I pushed again, and he looked down and saw her head. His eyes got real wide and he said "Okay, just slowly now." He put his hands down to support her head out of me. I pushed once more after her head was all out, and felt her body slide out of me. I just have to say, I was so impressed with my Nathan here, he handled everything so calmly and expertly. He was amazing. As soon as she was out, at 2:25am, he said "We have our baby girl!" I had had my eyes closed and just opened them to see once she was out. It all happened so quickly, though, it really didn't register that it was over. She pinked up and cried right away. Nate put her on my chest and covered her with a blue pad, then suctioned her nose. I didn't believe him that she was actually a girl! I thought he must have missed something, so I checked myself. I kept doubting and it wasn't until the third time I looked that I actually accepted that we really had a baby girl. What a surprise! :) I held her, and Nate propped some pillows up behind me so I could sit back a bit. The placenta came out about 10 minutes later. Nate called Leanne and calmly said "Well, we have a baby girl." He asked if we should do anything with the cord, and she said to just leave it. I just sat there and held my baby, really shocked that it was over and she was here, and she was a she! Nate covered us up with some towels and tried to adjust the pads underneath me so the carpet didn't get trashed, to no avail. We already knew we would probably call a baby girl Grace, so that's what we called her right away. I tried to get her to nurse, and she latched on pretty well at about 3:00. Then she was just making little squeaky noises and grunting. Leanne got here at around 3:30, and came in and checked us out. She had me push a few times to get the last of the placenta completely delivered, then we clamped and cut the cord at 3:50. She checked me for tears, and found none, just a slight skidmark. It felt so good to hand the baby off and to be able to get up myself. Leanne helped me to the shower, which I was so looking forward to, and which just felt wonderful. I just felt crampy, not sore in my perineum at all. The hot water, and getting clean felt so good. Finally, I got out, and got dressed and into my bed. Leanne brought me some cocoa and toast with way too much pb and j on it, which I ate some of. I tried to nurse Grace again, but she wasn't really interested. Then Leanne checked her all out, and she was perfectly healthy, weighing 7 lbs, 12 oz, and 21 1/2 " long. Then I put a diaper and some clothes on her. Because Leanne hadn't been here to take any blood from the cord after she was born, we had to prick her heel to do the blood test to see if she had positive blood. She has A+, so I had to have a rhogam shot. After this, we finally settled back into bed and tried to get some sleep. It was around 5:30 or 6, I think. I was still having crampy ctx, which have thankfully gotten better now, but they were really bad for a few days there. When the boys woke up at around 8, Nate got up with them. After awhile they came in to see their "sister-baby." I wanted Nate to get it on camera, but the battery was dead. George was excited to see her, but just acted like it was no big deal, and she knew she was coming. Ian just kept saying "baby" and patting her and grinning. She is a few days old now, and I am starting to really fall in love with her. She has a cute little dimple on her right cheek, and she smiled at me this morning when I sang to her. Nate's mom took the boys today, which was such a great help to me, and really was wonderful to have some quiet time alone with my baby girl. Well, the boys should all be back soon and I am so hungry and excited to have the baked ziti my wonderful friend Misty brought over. It was so great to visit with her, and I got a really cute picture of her holding Grace. She brought me a ton of presents from everyone at Bible study, and cookies too. It just overwhelms me, people's love and generosity. Well, that's all for now, I probably won't be able to post as often now, but I am glad I have this place to keep record of how my baby girl is growing and how our family is adjusting.

Life with children

I haven't felt much like writing lately, I keep thinking if I wait, I'll be able to post a birth story on here, instead of saying again that I still haven't had this baby. Nate reminded me last night that the baby is a pound heavier this weekend than when we thought we were having him last weekend. I told him not to tell me depressing things that I already know. I took a Tbs of castor oil yesterday morning. It took 12 hours to work, and then it didn't do as much as I thought it would, for which I was thankful. Last night was the first time I had had contractions remain regular while I was just resting. They were feeling crampier (probably due to the CO), and being more frequest and regular. We had sex and they got even stronger after that. I tried to sleep, but they were getting too strong for me to be comfortable in bed, so I went and got in the hot tub. Usually when I do that, they are much more comfortable, and I can get so relaxed they just go away. It took longer last night, but finally, I was relaxed enough, and the contractions had slowed down enough that I could sleep. My hips were still pretty sore, and the contractions were lower now, and wrapping around my back and hips, so I put my heating pad on my hips, and that helped me, too. I feel alright this morning, just exhausted as usual. I guess this is just normal for some people, to have off and on labor for weeks. It just kind of wears on a person. I really have to consciously tell myself that this baby will come, because I don't want to believe it anymore. I just think it's going to be like this forever, with contractions getting stronger, but never bringing a baby. I'm trying not to get discouraged, and I know having a little pity party for me solves nothing, and just disgusts me when I start thinking like that. I am so unimpressed with my midwife right now, also. I have no desire to see her, and I keep reading about unassisted births. Nate doesn't want to call her until after the baby is born, but I keep going back and forth. I think we are agreed on the fact that she hasn't been worth what we've paid her, and we will not be using her again. Of course, if the baby never comes out, then we won't have to worry about calling her, will we? :P My due date is tommorow, so I have absolutely nothing to be complaining about, I, and everyone else, just expected this baby to come early like George and Ian did. It is all consuming my mind now, it's like a constant underlying thought that colors everything else that comes into my mind. The boys are playing play-doh right now, they both have blue play-doh and they have on their matching red tool pajamas, they look so cute. I took their picture. Except George keeps telling me to look at whatever new shape he's squished the play-doh into about every 10 seconds. I told Nate last night, it's not his curiosity that gets to me, it's his repetetiveness. I bet he asks me what I'm doing or what something is 1000 times a day, when it's obvious he knows the answers. Sometimes he asks me the same question over and over and over. That gets on my nerves a little. I know, I should just be thankful that I have the blessing of being the one that he is around all day, and being the one he asks all the questions to. I just feel hormonal and cranky most of the time now, and I know I haven't been being what I need to be for my family. Nate's got a lot that's going on at work right now, and I have just been totally consumed with my own situation. Very selfish and self centered. I didn't even read the chapter in Calm my Anxious Heart this week. Bible study was last night and I just didn't want to go. I don't want to see anyone or do anything. Esther called yesterday and wanted to know if I wanted to come over, and I told her I didn't want to be around people. Even though she is one of my favorite people, she's still people. She asked how I was dealing with George and Ian, they're people too. They are truly my favorite people, though, besides Nate, and they aren't constantly asking me if I have a baby yet. Esther is so bad about this, it just really gets to me. I don't even want to answer the phone when it's her anymore. I think one thing that really has me bummed is that this baby is postponing my Christmas. We can't get our Christmas tree until we get the hot tub out of our living room, after the baby has been born. It's December 10th, and I haven't got my Christmas tree up yet!!!!! I hate that. Yikes, why did I even start writing this, it's just full of complaining. I'd better stop now before it gets any worse. Blahhhh!

No baby yet :(

It's been a hard few days. I have been having contractions of increasing strength every day this week, and Saturday, my mw called me in the morning, and asked if I was good, or if I was contracting. I said both. When she showed up that afternoon for a prenatal appt., she obviously came to stay and thought I would have a baby that night. My ctx continued to get stronger as the night went on, and I thought there was no way I would see the light of day without a baby. I was wrong. I had called my mom and a few friends in the early evening, telling them things were definitely getting going. Leanne checked me and I had dilated to 5 cm. I kept going from the hot tub to the toilet, contracting stronger all the time, but as the night wore on, I started to get tired, and fall asleep between contractions, which left me unpleasantly disoriented. Then my ctx started getting weaker. I was getting really discouraged. My mw had been sleeping in the boys room, and got up to tell me to get some rest, and maybe we would have the baby another day. This was about 2:30. I just cried on Nate's shoulder and asked him what was wrong with my body? I finally settled down, thinking maybe if I could get some rest, I would wake up to renewed labor and have the baby in the morning. When I woke up at 6:30, though, I was hardly having any contractions. MW checked me and said I hadn't changed in dilation at all. I was soooo discouraged. All those seemingly hard contractions last night seemed to be for nothing. I just started crying. Leanne was trying to be really encouraging but just ended up being annoying. Then she said something that really surprised Nate and I. She said that if nothing had happened by the end of the week, I could consider taking some Cytotec and that would really get things going. I didn't even say anything, I couldn't believe she was offering me that dangerous, untested drug. Nate and I both knew about it, I have just been reading about it's very dangerous effects, like hemmorhaging, uterine rupture, fetal death and maternal death, and the fact that it's an anti-ulcer drug that has never even been tested on pregnant women and proved safe. Nate and I didn't even answer her. She left shortly after that. I just felt so discouraged and frustrated with myself, like my body was malfunctioning, and would never get this baby out on its own. If someone had walked in at 2:30 and offered me a c-section, I would have seriously considered it. I was hardly having any contractions after Leanne left. Nate really thought she had been "trying to fit us into her schedule", and I wouldn't have felt so much pressure to have the baby last night if she hadn't been there. My ctx were so strong, though, I think I would have called her anyway. The kids had gone to Nate's parents Saturday night, and were still there. I think Nate sensed that I needed a change in scenery, and took me out to lunch and to a movie. He has been so incredible through this whole thing, supportive and understanding and so sensitive to my needs. He has just been so loving. I am so very thankful for him. I can't imagine going through this all without him by my side. He even called me almost every day last week on his lunch break to see how I was doing. That meant the world to me. I continued to have very spaced out, just breathe through them contractions on Sunday, but never anything serious. I was just so emotionally and physically exhausted. Today, I have hardly had any ctx. I got a phone call from a dear friend last night, Dora, that I met on the homebirth message board. She is a doula and very knowledgable in all things birth related. She said it sounded like the baby's head was asynclitic, and wasn't applying direct enough pressure to my cervix. She told me about an exercise I can do to get the baby's head in the right position. She told me to do it for 15 minutes every hour, but don't do it until I am really ready for the baby to be born, because with every doula client that she used this with, they went right into labor and had the baby within 2-3 hours. I have caught the boys cold now, though, and am really feeling rotten because of that, so now I am almost hoping the baby waits a while to come and I have a chance to get over this. In the end, it's God that's in control of it all, and whatever I do will have to be subject to his plan. One thing Dora said on the phone last night was had I ever thought that maybe God was using my labor teach someone else something. She's right in that I need to get my thoughts off myself and onto other people and God's plan rather than my own. I don't know what God is trying to accomplish here, but I do know that I need to be seeking it. I hope the next time I post it will be with a birth story, but if not, that will be okay, too.

Thursday

Well, Nate's prediction of having the baby on December 1st was wrong, although we both thought he would be right. I walked laps around the driveway loop while the kids were taking their nap yesterday, and was really having some good contractions, then Esther called and wanted to come over, so I came in. As soon as I stopped walking, the contractions calmed down again. I did the Evening Primrose Oil on Tuesday night, but not last night. After Nate got home, I walked some more, and then had to come in to make sure the kids got to bed on time. Ian's got a runny nose, which I think is from teething, and didn't nap well yesterday. I was feeling great, though, my hips didn't hurt, I just felt happy and alive and excited. After the kids went to bed we cleaned up the house a bit, and then took Leanne's advice that "What gets them in, gets them out." Well, it was more than just an exercise in prostaglandin placement, it was a really special time and about 30 minutes afterwards, my contractions started getting more serious and regular, enough that I was having to concentrate through them. I went and got in the hot tub and that was great for relaxing me. Nate brought home a test kit and some chemicals to make sure the water was Ph balanced and good, but he never used it. I got out of the tub, and went to bed, and slept so soundly, not waking up until 5 this morning. I felt really crampy when I woke up, but after I peed I felt better. I went back to sleep until Nate woke me up a little before 8, telling me I should get up and walk around so he would know whether or not to go to work. I did, and not enough is really happening to warrant his staying home. I think if I could do some more walking I could get things going more, but that's not an option with the kids awake. I might try to walk with George while Ian is taking his morning nap at 10:30. It would be great if I were to go into labor during the day here, but on the other hand, I would love to go to Bible study tonight and see everyone. What would have been great, if a little unrealistic, is if I had had the baby last night, then I could have just brought the baby to Bible study for a minute for everyone to meet. Oh well. :) The package from my grandmother was not pumpkin bars, as I was hoping. It was a pair of crocheted little pink booties and a handmade quilt with red, pink, and green patches on it, along with some strawberry shortcake material. The back of the quilt was a fuzzy fleece with bears and pink hearts on it. Do you think she thinks I'm having a girl?!? The package I got from my mom last week had a package of newborn diapers in it and 4 girl outfits. I think it's funny everyone is wishing for a girl, and I'm wishing for a boy. Everyone thinks that just because I already have two boys, that now I need a girl. Actually, it makes me want a boy more, because I know how to do boys, and I love having boys.

I am so anxious to get up my Christmas tree!!! I put up the little fake one in the boys room last night. They were enthralled with it. I might move it out here, though, just so we all can see it more often. I was so surprised at George, he remembered getting our Christmas tree last year. We were driving home from church and went by a store with a tree outside, and George said "Is that the candy cane store where we got our Christmas tree? You 'member, Mama, you 'member that lady that gave me the candy cane when we got our Christmas tree, and it was so good?" That's exactly what happened, too, the lady at the nursery gave him one of those mini candy canes after we got our tree last year, and he sucked on it all the way home. I had originally told George that the baby would come out after we got our Christmas tree, but now, of course, I have told him we have to wait until the baby comes out before we can get our Christmas tree. Yesterday, he told me that if we move the big chair, we can put our Christmas tree there, but he didn't know where we should put the big chair. I feel bad that I had to change what I said, and wish I hadn't told him in the first place. Oh well, maybe we'll have the baby today and can go get our Christmas tree this weekend? :) Well, I just put snotty, cranky little Ian down for his nap, so George and I are going to go outside. If you are reading this, pray me up some labor, okay? (Misty?:) I can't wait to post on here my birth story.

Tuesday morning

I am stealing a few minutes here as Ian takes his morning nap. I thought George was going to want to go out to play, but he decided to read a book instead, and then surprised me by asking for a waffle. The kid eats like a bird, so anytime he asks for good food, I give it to him. He already had some yogurt and cheerios this morning. Nate took the day off, and is at a junk yard right now trying to find the part he needs to fix the van. I am hoping he gets home by naptime this afternoon so I can go grocery shopping right after I put the kids down for a nap. I have to go to 3 or 4 differant stores, and I really hope I can go without the kids, I will be able to get things done so much easier. If he doesn't get back, I will go after putting the kids to bed tonight.

My midwife came yesterday. She said the baby was head down and turned, looking at my left hip. (I already knew that) She had a hard time palpating the head, but when she examined me, she said she thought she couldn't feel his head through my belly because his head was so low. She could feel it right over my cervix, which she said was effaced 50% and 4 cm. dilated. She said I should start taking Evening Primrose Oil every night, and that should really get things going. Nate's prediction of tommorow would be good. I keep feeling crampy today, but I know things could feel this way for days. I was 4 cm dilated a week before I had George. I have been having contractions so regularly, though, but maybe you just feel them more after a few kids. I don't remember having this many "practice" ones with George or Ian. Maybe when things do get going, they will be really quick! That would be nice.

Nate got my packages taken to the post office this morning, and there was one to pick up from my grandmother. I wonder if it is Christmas stuff. Oh, I bet it's pumpkin bars! She knows they are my favorite, and she sent some last year. I will try not to be disappointed if it's not, though. I am waiting on one more present that I ordered that someone is bringing tonight, and then I will be able to send out my last package!! I have to get presents for just three more people, plus stocking stuffers, and I will be done!! We hardly got anything for the boys, but I really don't want them to get present oriented, or to expect a ton at Christmas. We really want to emphasize the celebration of baby Jesus being born, while focusing on giving to others as a picture of God's gift to us of His Son. I wish I could get some pretty graphics like Misty has on my blog to decorate it for Christmas. I'll have to look into that. I've got stuff up in the living room and bathroom here. When Leanne came yesterday, she said it looked like Santa's workshop in here. I think I will put the little tree up in the boys room, that would be fun for them. I am anxious to get my tree up in the living room. Well, I should go get myself ready for the day, do something with this hair if I am going to go shopping and put some makeup on. I hope Nate gets back soon!!

I'm still here!

Okay, I thought I'd better post just so Misty doesn't think I've dropped off the face of the earth. It seems like the last few days have been so crazy busy. I actually did sit down on Friday afternoon to post, and then had to go do other things, and never got back to it. Thursday was Thanksgiving of course, and we went over to Nate's parents house. His mom is such a great cook. I just made pumpkin pie and rolls. My pumpkin pie didn't turn out very well, though, and I think I overcooked my rolls a little. Oh well. I still have pumpkin left, and a pie crust. I'll probably make another one. Nate doesn't like it so I'll have to eat the whole thing myself. Yummy! We fed Ian dinner first, he wolfed down everything, and then when he took a nap the rest of us ate, well, all except George who would only eat a piece of cranberry sauce and a roll, then his Grandfather put a too big bite of corn in his mouth and he just held it there for the next 40 minutes. It was nice to visit with them. George and I had made a Thanksgiving turkey out of construction paper and everyone had written on a paper feather some things they were thankful for. It turned out looking really cool. George said he was thankful for "my tiny little racecar", and "the animals" He said Ian was thankful for Daddy and his blanket. I put down "God's provision and peace", and "Family" When I wrote family, I was thinking not only of my parents, grandparents, brothers and sisters-in-law, but of Nate's family, and especially the family that I enjoy in my fellow believers, my sisters and brothers in Christ. I was thinking of all the wonderful ladies in my Bible study and how dear to my heart they are, just as much, and perhaps more than if they were my biological sisters. I know it is such a blessing, an undeserved blessing to be able to have such people in my life, and I am truly grateful for all my family. Friday seemed to fly by, and in the afternoon, I got the crazy thought in my head that Nate and I needed to go out on a date before this baby is born. So, besides being on the phone off and on all day trying to coordinate for the AWANA outing on Saturday, and cleaning up the house while I had the energy, then I was trying to track down a babysitter and get myself ready, just in case. It didn't work out, and actually, I had forgotten that Nate needed to replace that hose on the van that night anyway, because I was going to need it on Saturday. It ended up that the van was more broken than he thought, and he's going to have to go scrounging in a junk yard to find the right part, so I am still stranded. Nate had brought home a movie that night anyway. So, after he couldn't fix the van, and the kids were in bed, then we watched "The Terminal" It was okay. We both like Tom Hanks. The movie could have been G if not for some language. Then of course, we got in the hot tub. Well, maybe it was only me. I have been in it every night since he brought it home. It just makes me feel so much better!! My hips have been soooo sore, and that has really helped them. Saturday, I packed the boys off to Grandma's, went to the church to pick up the AWANA girls, (we only ended up having 6), and drove out to the Mancas's house. Lucas had made a fire outside for us to roast hot dogs and smores. We had a scavenger hunt, my devotional went pretty well, and then the girls made crafts. I was so surprised and touched, they had all made Thankyou, We'll miss you cards for me. I hope not to be able to be at AWANA on Wednesday because of a baby! We had a nice time there, and Casey let me borrow a few books for homeschooling. I think if I started something structured with George, he would really take off with reading. He's just on the edge of understanding it. He knows the letters, and most of the letter sounds, although he gets a few mixed up. He is constantly pointing out letters to me, and saying their sounds though, and I think if I really got serious about it, he'd catch on and be able to read soon. I feel like right now, while he is so interested in it, is a crucial time, and I don't want to miss my window for teaching what he needs to learn now. He can count to 20 and knows simple math things, like 1 + 1 = 2, and sometimes he can grasp more than that (although he insists that eleven is called "oneteen":) . I do need to be more attentive to other parts of his learning, though, and have more patience with his questions, and encourage them. I usually feel like I don't have enough time for him, and I know it's only going to get worse when this baby comes. I think he'll be a good student when we do start a more formal instruction method, though. He loves to just sit and read now, or draw. He just sometimes gets frustrated when he can't do as much as he would like to. I think that's where part of our potty troubles have come from, he doesn't want to do it, because he can't do it perfectly yet. He is such a first child. I am not even going to worry about the potty training now, though, and just wait until he is more physically ready. After we got back to the church Saturday afternoon, I went to pick up the boys at Nate's moms, and we rushed home, changed clothes, went into Douglasville to pick up Nate from work, and then went to the Calkins. I took pictures of them in front of their fireplace, I think they came out really well, and then they took pictures of us in front of their Christmas tree. (She already has hers up, and I'm so jealous!! I would have mine by now, if I didn't have a hot tub in my living room. Come on baby, come out, so I can put up my Christmas tree!!!!) We had supper with them and visited and then came home and got in the hot tub. We were both very tired, and I find it so relaxing to be in there, I wish I could sleep in there. I think it has really been great to have it ahead of time, I have done a lot of visualizing and thinking of my labor and birth, picturing having the baby, and practicing what positions I will be in. I feel much more mentally prepared this time. Sunday morning we were lazy, and didn't go to Sunday School. My hips hurt so badly, I could barely stand up to sing in church, and hardly talked to anyone afterwards. I did talk to Heather for a minute and she told me to swing a needle on a string over my belly and it would tell me if I'm having a boy or a girl. I did it when I got home, and it said a boy. (I knew that) Now if little Alec would just come out!! I felt so bad, though, after I got the boys lunch, I just went and curled up in the chair. Nate made me lunch, and after the boys went down for a nap (They both slept so good! Yay!!) I got in the hot tub for a few minutes and then laid down on the couch. Nate cleaned up the kitchen, and I felt so much better when I woke up, and Nate continued to work on cleaning up, we got so much done. My bedroom is still slightly cluttered with Christmas presents, but I got all my packages ready to send out, and Nate was supposed to take them to the post office this morning, but he took the garbage out to his truck, and didn't come back for them. Oh well, I'd much rather have packages sitting around here than garbage. Leanne is supposed to come today, after cancelling on me last Wednesday because of the tornado warning. I haven't seen her in over 6 weeks. I'm glad she is coming for at least one more regular visit before the baby comes, though, because there are some things I really wanted to talk to her about. I might post again if she tells me anything interesting. I tried again to check myself last night, but my cervix is so high and posterior, I wonder if she will even be able to get to it. I can feel something hard above it, that must be baby. He's so close, why doesn't he just come out? I am just kidding, and seriously, I feel much more relaxed this time about when the baby will come. I know it will be in God's perfect time. Since he didn't come at the same time as Ian, now I think it will be awhile. Anyway, I'd better go spend some time with my boys before Ian's nap.

What a man, what a man, what a mighty good man!

There's a hot tub in my living room!!!! Nate surprised me and ended up getting it early. I was sooo excited. (Hence, the title), for my Nathan is a mighty, mighty good man. That's all I remember from that song from years ago. I'm not like Misty, who knows the lyrics to every song ever to come out in the last 100 years, and uses that information to insidiously infiltrate the thought patterns of her friends by getting songs stuck in their heads to the extent that they can't even remember their own names!! (Love you, girlfriend!) Anyway, yes I am married to an incredibly wonderful man. The hot tub is round, 6 feet across and a little less than 2 feet deep. It's the cheapest one they sell. There are no seats, and only 6 jets. It's basically just a glorified bath tub, but it keeps the water warm, and it's so big! I will be able to be in any position I am comfortable with. Nate's not sure if he will get in with me or not. I am going to get in it tonight before bed, just to try it out, and see how I like it. It looks rather peculiar, like you walk into someone's living room, and there's an elephant sitting in the corner reading the newspaper, and you just don't know what to say, it's so out of place. We just put the plaid couch on the front porch, moved the loveseat into its place, put the recliner in the loveseat spot, and put the hot tub in the corner with the windows. I like the way the living room is now, too. The only thing is that we can't get our Christmas tree until after the tub is gone, so I'd better hurry up and have this kid!! Just kidding. Actually, I have had hardly any contractions all day, and have been nesting like crazy. I had so much energy! I got the kitchen all cleaned (cookie making yesterday really trashed it), and the boys laundry put away, the toys all moved into the kids room, my closet doors put back on and painted, and my bedroom cleaned up. I have four packages ready to send, and I finally got all the boys' pictures written on, and need to make cards to send them out. I am going to get that done today. After I write this, I am going to make rolls and pumpkin pie for Thanksgiving tommorow. George and I made a construction paper turkey this afternoon. He did the glue stick and drew eyes on the turkey. We are going to have everyone write on two feathers something they are thankful for, and then tommorow put all the feathers on the turkey. I wrote "Buchan Thanksgiving 2004" on it. I'm not sure yet what I will write down. There are so many blessings in my life, it's hard to just pick two. Anyway, I need to get on to my baking and maybe even get some laundry done. I'm afraid to go down into the basement, I really hope it's not leaking badly. Yesterday it was a little, but after that rain this morning, I bet it's much worse. I hope nothing was ruined. It's all in the Lord's hands anyway. Happy Thanksgiving, to anyone who is reading this. I wil leave you with these verses from II Corinthians 9: 10,11 "Now he that ministereth seed to the sower both minister bread for your food, and multiply your seed sown, and increase the fruits of your righteousness; Being enriched in every thing to all bountifulness, which causeth through us thanksgiving to God."

Head down baby :)

It's Monday afternoon. The boys are sleeping, well, they are at least quiet in their beds, and I have one load of dishes done. I really should be making bread right now, but I think I'll wait until tonight. Nate brought a ton of white bread home from the Atlanta Bread Company extras that they bring to church, but I just can't eat it en masse anymore, or I feel really funny. I ate way too much of it yesterday.

As the title indicates, the baby is finally head down, and has been there for a few days now. I am feeling lots of pressure pushing down, and having pretty regular contractions. I blew up my fishy pool, as a back-up waterbirth place, in case I have the baby before the hot tub can come, but it has multiple leaks that I cannot find in the top two rings, and will definitely not work. I called Nate today and told him I didn't think anything was happening today, but things were definitely progressing, and I wondered if there was any way we could get the hot tub sooner than next Monday. He said "That's already been thought of." The way he said it was like "I've already thought of that, and it's just not going to work." He doesn't like to talk to me while he's at work anyway, so I try not to bother him or to talk too long, so I didn't question exactly what he meant by that. The intonation of his voice, though, just sounded negative about it. I am just kicking myself for doing what I said I would not do, and getting my heart set on this working out. I have been planning for a waterbirth for so long now, and reading everything I can on it, and it has really become a part of my "birth vision", so that the thought of it not being an option just really makes me want to cry. At least when I had the blow up pool option, that was fine, but now that that is not going to work, I think I will really be devastated if that hot tub doesn't work out. The thought of laboring and having this baby on dry land just is really not good to me. I can't think of the right word, but it just feels so wrong. I know I am probably setting myself up for further disappointment here, and who knows, I may not have this baby for another 2 or even 3 weeks. Leanne is coming on Wednesday. I really want to discuss her views on waterbirth. I have never gotten a very confident vibe from her concerning it, and she certainly did nothing to facilitate it with Ian's birth. I don't know if she just doesn't like to do them for some reason, or hasn't done many so is uncomfortable with it, or what, but I want to make it clear that it is a real priority to me, and that we do all we can to make it happen.

I thought of an interesting phenomenon last night. I started taking the Dr. Christopher's at 4 weeks with George, and he was born 4 days shy of 40 weeks. I started taking them at 6 weeks out with Ian, and he was born 4 days shy of 38 weeks. That means that I took the Dr. Chris' exactly 3 weeks and 3 days before I went into labor with both of them. If this theory holds true, then I will be having a baby tommorow!!!!!! But, with Ian, I was taking one extra one a day for a few days prior to his birth, so that may have affected it. My back is aching really low again today, just like it did on Friday. I am very very glad that the baby has turned head down, but he is tending towards posterior. I don't know how I will handle back labor, especially if I can't be in water. This baby will just have to wait to come.

I am looking forward to being able to be home every night this week, and am definitely going to need that time to catch up on housework, and getting everything ready. Nate said we could get our Christmas tree this week!! I am so excited! I already have some Christmas things up, but it's not how I would like it. I need to clean, and organize and move a bunch of stuff before I can really decorate for Christmas. Nate has one more closet door to paint tonight, then our bedroom can finally get back to normal. I am going to move the toy box into the kids room, and put the little tubs of baby clothes and pj's in our room. I really have so much baby stuff, as far as onesies, socks, hats, pajamas. We have so many pairs of baby pajamas, it's ridiculous. I still have to buy newborn diapers, though, and just get everything organized. Of course, I suppose there is the possibility of my having a girl, in which case, the child will need some clothes. I'm not worried about it, though, I would be so shocked if I had a girl. I think my nesting instinct is starting to kick in, at least in my brain, if not yet in my actions. :) We are giving our plaid couch to Jer and Esther, and then we will move the loveseat and recliner to where it was, leaving room (Lord willing) for the hot tub, and the Christmas tree in the corner by the windows. I want to get it DONE!!! I think I will actually make some supper tonight. I have been sooo lazy, and we have just been having leftovers, and poor Nate is so good about it, but it's about time he had a homecooked meal, even if it is only my home cooking. :P He said he was going to scrub the floor, too. I think I will scrub the bathroom tonight, since I never was able to get to it on Saturday like I usually do, and the boys didn't get their bath after lunch again today, so they will have one before bed tonight. Nate rented "The Day after Tommorow" on Friday. What a waste of time that was. Besides the fact that it was overflowing with obvious and laughable liberal agenda, it didn't even have good acting, or character developement or anything. I was really hoping he would bring home "Elf" I just think that the purpose of TV or movies is to entertain, and I so prefer movies that just let my brain take a break and make me laugh.

Amy Calkins and her boys are coming over tommorow to make cookies. I hope everything works out. Ian has been cutting two molars and has just been a bear lately. Hopefully, we can get the cookie making done while he's taking his morning nap. I am looking forward to getting together with her, and George just loves her boys, they are his idols. I think it will be fun for everyone. They are staying for lunch, too. Wow, this backache is really getting worse. Maybe if I got off my butt and actually did something it wouldn't be so bad. I should really go, anyway, I have laundry to do, and I should really find the floor here before the kids get up and cover it up again. Cleaning up after children while they are still growing up is like shoveling during a snowstorm, there's just not much point to it. Anyway, if anyone has read this, please leave a comment or sign my guestbook! I have to say, it really has been a therapeutic endeavor for me to be able to write this all down, and see it. It so often seems as if the one person I want to share everything with, Nathan, is the least interested in hearing anything about my life, and maybe it's better this way anyway, that I get it all out here, and can see and analyze my thoughts for patterns of sin, or complaining, or dwelling on things that I shouldn't. Well, I hear George, so I am going to try to get my bedroom back together, and get that laundry caught up.

Saturday morning minutes

I am (probably foolishly) trying to squeeze a few minutes of writing in here while the boys are up. Ian is walking around the kitchen, trying to pull out and climb into all the kitchen chairs, and falling out of most of them. George is eating a bowl of Cheerios with his fingers, and talking non-stop. Oh wait, now he's looking down his pajamas, exclaiming that he can see his duck feet, and his chest. Ian just pulled his booster seat down on his head, trying to get the little buckle out of it to play with. I handed him the buckle, and he said "Thankyou!" He has really taken off talking in the last few weeks. Yesterday, they did indeed get all the concrete poured (PRAISE THE LORD!), and Caleb and Ross were in here eating lunch with us and cracking up at Ian's new common phrases of "Oh No!" and "Oh Cool!" Most everything is one or the other.

Esther came over for a few minutes yesterday afternoon and we went to the new thrift store in Whitesburg, the Dollar Closet. Really great Christian lady that runs it, and a great story how the Lord gave her the idea, and then orchestrated it all. All the clothes are a dollar, except dresses and dress suits are two dollars. I got a beautiful Karin Stevens skirt suit for my mom that was probably $60, and looked new, for only $2!!

Well, after about 40 minutes, George is finally done his 1/2 cup of cheerios and milk. That kid makes me crazy sometimes. You constantly have to remind him to keep eating, and it's a struggle to get him to sit down and start eating in the first place. Ian on the other hand, sometimes it's hard to get him to stop eating! He had a plate piled full of ravioli yesterday at lunch, then when the guys came in to eat, he was going around to everyone trying to mooch more food!

The concrete pouring went great, even though it was sooo expensive, it was definitely worth it to hire a line pump to get the concrete where they wanted it. It all turned out great, and they even had enough left over to put a floor in Nate's little ramshackle shed. Maybe we can even park in there sometime! Jer came over to help, which was a blessing, and Caleb and Ross, too. They stayed until after lunch, but Jeremiah had to go to work, so he left shortly before. Nate kept finish troweling and then went to Lowe's in the afternoon to get the Dricore subflooring to put on. I am so excited that he is finally "going" on this project. He's going to skim coat the existing floor, to even it out, and clean it up down there, then put on the dricore (which we will eventually just put carpet and tile directly over), then get the heating and air system in. He said the tub will be put in before the walls, and he was even looking at them last night. Nate got home right as Esther and the kids and I were leaving for that store, so we just left the kids with Nate. I fed them supper when I got back, and after putting them to bed, we got right on painting in the bedroom. I really like the way the lime washing turned out, and Nate got all the trim painted. The chair rail still needs to be put up, but that will be awhile, and the closet doors need to be painted, but at least we could put the bedroom back together. Nate totally rearranged the bedroom. I like it, but I think we will make a few changes. Now I just have to sort all the stuff out and put it back where I want it. I am soooo glad we got that done. It didn't turn out exactly as I had pictured it, but I like it very much.

Nate says we are definitely getting the hot tub, but it won't be here til the 29th. He just has it settled in his mind that I am having this baby on December 1st. That would be good, but I am just afraid that the baby will come before then. I am going to clean out and blow up the fishy pool today, just to have it in case I need it. I really want to have a waterbirth, and I want to do everything I can to ensure that I am able to. We can make it work, I am sure, even without the hot tub. But, Lord willing, the baby will just be obedient to his father and come on December 1st like he's supposed to! (Okay, or SHE) Tammy and Esther are convinced that I am having a girl. I am just as convinced that I am having another boy. I haven't really fallen totally in love with the name "Alec", but that's what a boy will probably be named, unless we can come up with somthing totally differant when we meet him. Alec James maybe, or Alec Lincoln, I like Alec Seth, but Nate doesn't really. Probably James will be the middle name. If Tammy and Esther are right, then it will probably be Grace Marilyn, again unless we come up with something totally different when we meet her. Anyway, I'm so glad that the Lord is in control of this little one and their coming. I don't have to dwell on it, it belongs to the Lord. Well, I should go get these rugrats dressed before they burn the house down to get my attention!!!

Random ramblings of late night brain freeze

Well, the concrete is on for Friday!! Nate decided to rent a line pump which will eliminate the need for the truck to come precariously down our little hill, and will make it go much faster. It is very expensive, but he figured it was the only way it would really work. He's got Jer and Ross lined up to help first thing in the morning. I am so excited for it to be done. He is even doing a walkway from the bottom of the deck stairs around to the pad under the deck where the door to the basement is. Some more good news is that they found the "missing" spa, and it will be delivered to the Carrollton store on Monday!! I am so excited that it would actually work out for me to have that in labor, how incredible!! I don't think I will really believe it until it is here, but everything is pointing to it becoming a reality.

Ugh, anyone want to know how dum I am? I just ate 9 (yes, 9) mini candy bars. You know, the kind that are square. I figure they make up a big size snickers all together. Of course, the last thing one needs when trying to get sleepy at night or unwind is chocolate and sugar, but do you think I would listen to reason? NOOOOO! Maybe I will get a sugar high and then crash and be able to sleep. Anyway, I will probably go take a hot bath in a minute here and hopefully unwind. Nate had a sore throat all day, and I think he is coming down with the little bug the boys and I are just getting over, so he wanted to go to bed early. I actually felt tired and thought I would be able to fall asleep, but the longer I stayed in bed, the more awake I became, and I could tell my legs were starting to get shaky, so I left before I really started tossing and turning and waking Nathan up. He hardly ever gets sick, and is really pathetic when he does. I just want to baby him, which he reacts to with half hearted protests that he's fine, but I think he really likes it. He's so funny.

Tommorow, (well, later today:P) I have Bible study. I am so looking forward to going over this chapter with everyone. It really rocked my world. I shared a little of what I had learned with Nathan the other night. I think it made him happy. Anyway, I am anxious to see what the wise ladies in our study have to say on the matter, and for us to be able to discuss it. I don't know any woman who doesn't struggle with accepting herself, whether it's her body or her personality that she has trouble with, and this chapter really taught me so much. In truth, God really taught me through this. It's amazing how you can read or go over something so many times and yet not have it sink in. I love how the Lord has just the perfect time for us to learn what He has to teach us.

Oh, if anyone is reading this, please pray that this baby will turn into a better position. He just so much prefers to be transverse than anything else. I can feel his little butt sticking out on my left side. I don't know what else I can do to get him into a better position. The Lord knows, and hopefully, He will whisper in baby's ear to turn and stay that way very soon. With George and Ian's pregnancy's, I barely gave a thought to positioning, or doing anything to help it, and this time I have been doing nothing but good posturing, pelvic rocks, polar bears, and staying unreclined, and he still won't go the right way! Anyway, I must calm my anxious heart, and realize that just as with every other little detail in my life, the Lord knows and cares and has it all under control. It is not mine to worry about.

Well, I am feeling more crashed than crazed now from my sugar binge, so I will get in the bathtub, and hopefully into bed, and say goodbye. It interests me to read that 19 people have visited this blog and read these words of mine. I wish people would leave comments, at least a thought or two, it would be interesting to have a random thread of connection to someone who happened upon my site, and took the time to read. I wish I could figure out my guest book. Well, of to bath and bed. Adios, Buenos noches, y hasta manana!

Baby coming soon!

My mind has been consumed as of late with the positioning and arrival of this child. I'm afraid he turned transvere again yesterday, I was feeling movements waaaay over on both sides, and it's so soft underneath my belly button. Leanne was supposed to come this Friday, but since Nate is probably pouring concrete then, I called her Monday to reschedule, and she just called me back last night and isn't going to come until a week from today, the day before Thanksgiving. I was really hoping she could come this week, just because I am curious to see if she thinks I am dilated at all or not, although that wouldn't really tell me anything. I tried to check my dilation the other night, and I couldn't even find my cervix. Either it is very soft and dilated, or just so far up I couldn't reach it. I'll have Nate check me later, and see what he thinks. He did agree for us to read more of "Mind over Labor" last night. I have been less impressed with the book as I get more into it. The information and point of view are excellent, but his writing style, and tendancy to repeat his main themes over and over and over and over again kind of get annoying. I'm thinking of just us reading "Ina May's Guide to Childbirth", I think there will be more concretely helpful information in there for Nathan. I found it excellent, and definitely need to be reminded of the things in it.

We went to Wal-mart yesterday evening after we picked Nate up from work. It's rare that we ever go to any stores together, I usually do shopping with just me and the kids. He wanted to look at TV's though. He is waiting for a 20 inch flat screen to go on sale for $95. We got him a toolbox and some things for his truck, and I got some fruit for the fruit salad I am making for Bible study tommorow. They had all the Thanksgiving fixings out, and Nate asked me what we were doing for Thanksgiving. I told him if he wanted Thanksgiving dinner, to go his mother's house. We will probably get together with them anyway. But, I told him if they have other plans, then I am not making a dinner. At this point I can barely manage spaghetti. He said that was fine. I'm so glad he's so easy going about things. If we do get together with the Buchans' then I will make some things, but I am not making a turkey, or anything that requires much effort. Of course, I will make pumpkin pie, and probably rolls. I need to call Karen to see what they are doing, and what she wants me to bring. There is a full moon the day after Thanksgiving. Maybe I will go into labor that weekend. That saturday is the day we are going to the Mancas' for the AWANA outing. Casey just kind of took over all the preparations and planning of it, so I don't even feel much of a part of it anymore. Tammy said she was probably just trying to help, and she thought Casey had a tender spot in her heart for mothers of small children, and didn't think I needed to be doing all of that. Anyway, it's out of my hands now. I wouldn't mind having to miss it though, if I were in labor. I bought a food grade hose yesterday to fill up the birthing pool, and when I mentioned it to Nate, he said "But you won't need the birthing pool, you'll have the hot tub." I don't know. Of course that would be my first choice, but I am going to clean out and blow up the pool anyway, just in case. I really want to do a waterbirth, and want all my bases to be covered. I hope I do have the baby on the 27th, or 28th. Then I hope Nate can take that next week off. He still has never taken the week off like he said he would this fall to work on the house. I just hope it does work out to pour concrete this Friday. Nate's dad got some guys from church recruited, and hopefully Nate can line up the concrete and the line pump, and get the tools from the deck crew.
I am glad we have Bible study tommorow. We are celebrating Krista's birthday. I have been looking forward to going over this chapter with everyone, and I am glad that Tammy's friend Robin has joined us now. It looks like she will be coming from now on.
I tried to post a picture of us yesterday, and it put on the caption, but not the picture, even though it said that it had published it. I am pretty frustrated with getting anything figured out on this blog. I guess my point was just to have it be a journal for me, anyway, so the extras don't matter. Misty posted some pictures on her blog of her and her girls before the homeschool tea. They all look so cute. Misty looks like a 20's movie star. She is so pretty. Anyway, I should get some clothes on these little boys and on myself. They finished breakfast and just got done watching Tom Kitten, so I am on call again. :)

Here we are on Ian's first birthday, July 13th.  

God is in control

Well, another week has come and gone. Unfortunately, it didn't work out for them to pour concrete on Saturday. Dad and Ross and Caleb came over and worked with Nate all morning, setting forms and wire and getting everything all ready, then when the guy showed up (about an hour late!), he said he thought the ground was too wet from it having rained so recently and was afraid the truck would get stuck or slide off the side of the hill, so they have to wait til later. :( I was so excited for there to finally be something done down there, but it's almost as if there is some huge force stopping it, and it's hard for me to believe that anything will ever get done. Nate did make good use of the willing hands, though, and they went and got all the logs he will need to make the pine bed. Caleb and Ross stayed after George and Karen left in the afternoon. We had pizza and then the boys played a game, then we watched The Lone Ranger DVD's and made fun of Tonto. I think Nate is going to try to get everything together to pour concrete this Friday, and just rent a line pump, so the truck won't have to go down as far and risk being in the soggy parts. Nate's dad has been so helpful, and "recruited" three guys to come and help on Friday! I think if it weren't for him, Nate would just let it slide, and never do it, even though everything is all set up for it. I really am surprised at how he has been about the whole basement thing. I heard him say on the phone to his brother the other night "It hasn't gone like I thought it would." Who did he think was going to do it? Who did he think it was up to? It's more than just procrastination, though, it's really like something is strongly holding him back from accomplishing anything down there. I don't know what it is, and I just continue to pray for him, and pray that it will get done in the Lord's timing. Esther was over here helping me wrap presents Friday night and I was telling her about how excited I was for the concrete to be poured the next day. She said "Yes, it is good that there is finally some progress being done on it now, about the time when it was supposed to be almost done." I said "Well, it just wasn't the Lord's will." To which she replied, "How do you know it wasn't the Lord's will, and it just hasn't gotten done?" That really made me stop and think. I had a great conversation with my father a while ago about how God's purposes will be accomplished, He has a plan for every part of our lives, but He has chosen to restrain Himself for the purposes of allowing our free will to be exercised. My Dad also said that sin can destroy the purposes of God in a situation, but that of course God does work everything out for our good in the eternal purposes. I'm not saying Nathan has been sinning by not getting anything done on the basement, but it made me think anyway. It just induces me to pray for him more. That is definitely something I don't do faithfully enough. I know my sin so often keeps me from accomplishing what I should, in being a godly wife and mother, and getting things done around the house, and being the friend I should be to the people the Lord has blessed me with in bringing into my life. It makes me take a longer look at my own shortcomings, and confess them before the Lord. Yesterday in church, Pastor Carl was talking about when someone you love betrays you, and we were reading Psalm 55. It was amazing, how it fit my situation of so many months ago, and how I could have written the same thing back in March. I no longer feel the hurt and anger to any degree comparable to what I did at the outset, the Lord has given healing and forgiveness and exchanged my ashes for beauty, but there will always still be a remnant of the heartbreak there. How far we have come, however, in the Lord's mercy and guidance. At our lifegroup last night, Bob was talking about the importance of prayer, and reading from a book that said that the Bible calls the church a house of prayer. Not a house of preaching, a house of singing, or anything else, but a house of prayer, and how we so often neglect this vital aspect of our Christian lives. I think I am going to try to spend an hour in prayer today, after I get the boys down for their naps. I have been napping then, but hopefully I won't be so tired today, and can really spend some time supplicating the Lord for His guidance and blessings. Well, I should go, although I would love to write more, I have much that needs to be done, and not much energy to accomplish it with. I just put Ian down for his morning nap, so I am going to try to get the laundry put away in our bedroom while he is sleeping. I am just waiting for that end of pregnancy energy boost, the nesting instinct to kick in, or something. I just feel so drained most days, and when I wake up in the morning, usually my legs are so sore from being all tensed up at night, that it's hard to do anything. Lord, I need your strength, please make it perfect in my weakness, and help me to accomplish what you would have me to today. Thankyou for your help today.

confused

Okay, I tried to post my ticker, and it went into my message, then I tried several times to post my guestbook and ticker, and they never showed up on the previews, so I gave up, then, the next day, I get an email saying someone has signed my guestbook, and sure enough, there they both are on my blog. I should have left well enough alone, but, I figured, okay, maybe it just takes a while for them to show up, so I went back into my template and moved them to the sidebar section where I wanted them originally, and now they aren't showing up at all. Silly, computer illiterate me. Oh well. I guess people could just leave comments after posts, and the ticker from my message is still working.

I am waiting for my bread to rise so I can put it in the oven. We are actually going to have concrete poured tommorow in the basement!!! I am so excited that there is actually going to be something done down there. I just am praying that everything goes smoothly, and the cement truck doesn't get stuck in the mud. Nate has gone to bed. He was sleeping on the couch while I scrubbed the floor, and I said "Why don't you just go to bed?" So he did. I suggested he go as soon as he got done eating at 9, but he had to read his Sporting News first. I thought perhaps he might get on the computer and listen to Rush, and entertain me while I made bread, but he really needed the rest, so I am glad he went to bed. I just noticed tonight that he cut his hair, and he said he did it on Monday!! I can't believe it has taken me this long to notice, that is terrible. My friend Esther came over this afternoon and helped me wrap Christmas presents. I just have to get Caleb something, and finish the lighthouse jar from George to his Grandma, I think Nate wants to get Scott something else, and then I have to get the magazine subscription for big George. Then I just have something small to get for Jer to go with his fishing t-shirt, something for Esther, something for Steve and Amy, and for Amy Hatch and family in Maine, and some things for the boys, and I am done!! I think Dan and Misty are having Christmas with their kids over Thanksgiving, so I will probably send those presents on next week. If Mama and Daddy come down after Christmas, I might not send theirs. So, I will just have Nanny and Grampy's, Grammy and Grandpa Tom's, Dave and Audra's, and Amy Hatch's to send. That's much better than most years, when we have to send to Minnesota and Maine. It feels good to have it almost done. Now I just have to get this lime washing done in my bedroom, get the trim painted, locate that missing set of pictures from Gatlinburg so I can finish putting everything in albums up to date, and I will have accomplished all my goals I wanted to before the baby comes!! Leanne is coming for a prenatal in a week, and I am anxious to hear if I am dilated at all or not. Although Misty told me last night that when Leanne checked her, she was way off. I wish I knew how to do it myself. I wonder if I could find out. Hmmm, sounds like my next yahoo. I just hope I don't bring up anything obscene. Think I'll have to be very careful with my word selection. Anyways, I put the bread in the oven, now just 25 minutes, then I will put some laundry away, touch up the bathroom, and hope I can sleep. I guess I'll go. Wow, what a boring post, if anyone bothered to read this far through all this dull drivel, you are a wonderful person!! (Or maybe just really bored!)

Thursday

I can't believe it's Thursday already. We are meeting at Golden't tonight for Bible study. I think it's Tammy's favorite place. I could take it or leave it. But, the fellowship, I could not leave. It has really become a sustaining force in my life, the camaraderie between us of like precious faith in the Bible study. I have learned so incredibly much, not only from the things we have studied, but from the amazing women in our group. Tammy, with her humble, teachable spirit, and endearing, wonderful ways; Misy, whose wit just leaves me spinning, and whose desire for the Lord, and honesty before us and Him is so refreshing and inspiring; Suzanne, her sweet caring spirit, and quiet wisdom and obedience; Krista, her exuberant personality, and deep commitment to Biblically fulfilling her role; Miss Mike, a gentle fount of everflowing love and grace, she teaches without even opening her mouth, and when she does, the truths of the Lord are magnified. We are all so differant, yet united in our common goals of striving towards being the women God would have us to be, encouraging each other and edifying each other on our seperate but sometimes overlapping paths. We are reading right now "Calm my Anxious Heart." Just in the first chapters, the Lord has really opened my eyes to truths that I had known in my head, but not in my heart, and it was as if I were reading and really understanding these things for the first time. How I am ashamed now, of the too often times when I arrogently thought that I had better plans for my life than the Lord did. Almighty God, Who created every cell of my being, Whose thoughts are above my thoughts, as the Heavens are above the earth, Who had plans for my life before it even began; God, the source of all wisdom and love in the universe, how could I presume to believe that I know a better way than He? It is an affront to God, a slap in the blood stained face of Jesus on the cross for me to not be content with my circumstances, for me not to joy and glory and be thankful over every little thing that His hand brings into my blessed life. This last chapter was called "Content to be me." I knew it would be a hard one for me to accept, but again, the Lord just laid my eyes and my heart open before Him and able to take in what He had for me. This was the most revolutionary part of the book for me thus far. Although the Lord has taken me leaps and bounds from where I once was in the area of self loathing and wanting to take the life that the Lord had given me, yet I still have sooo far to go. Nathan's imapatience with my self-centered criticalness of my body and my personality has always been a point of contention between us. I have gotten so much better about keeping my disparaging thoughts about myself to myself, but the ingrained thought patterns are still there. It has never been fair to my husband to constantly put down the woman that he chose. How attracted to me is he supposed to be if never act attractive? He has told me many times, that it would be so much more attractive to him, if I just had more confidance in myself. Once he put it this way, "It would really be great if you acted like you just might be too good for me." I laughed when he said it, and I know it was half joking on his part, but the underlying truth was there. Now, that doesn't even begin to take into account the evilness of this attitude before the Lord. As much of an affront to God as it is to be discontent with my circumstances, it is exponentially more to be discontent with the person that he made me. "We are His workmanship.." His loving care formed me, and like clay in the master potter's hands, he made me into the exact shape that He deemed best. Not acceptable, good enough, or "well, that'll do alright," but BEST! He knew what He was doing when He made my ears stick out, and my ribs be funny, and the hundred other physical and personality features that were given to me. God made me just the way He wanted me, and my not accepting that and joyfully making the most of it is a sin. "I am fearfully and wonderfuly made, marvelous are thy works, and that my soul knoweth very well." That is our memory verse for this week, and although I have heard it and read it so many times, this time, the Lord has really let it permeate my thinking. It is such a joy, the only true joy, to be liberated from sin. Specifically here, the sin of discontentment with myself. Joy is the only word I can think of to adequately describe it. Oh, Lord, please let me not fall back into the sins which so easily beset me, but continue to lead me on this path towards you, towards being more Christlike. Thankyou for loving me so infinitely and encouraging and enabling my journey towards righteousness. I love you.

Posting my guest book?

I still am trying to figure out how to post the guest book and ticker I signed up for with Bravenet. We'll see if this works. If not, I'll try later!!

Wednesday morning.

I have to do something about George waking up so early. He was making noise before 7 this morning. Ian, and especially Nate and I would love to sleep in later. I got him an alarm clock yesterday, I will explain it to him today, and maybe tommorow morning will be better. I have no idea, though. I don't know if I should put him to bed earlier or later, neither seems to help. We got the second coat on the bedroom last night. I think I will definitely do a glaze or a wash or sponge painting to lighten up both colors. If we had better lighting in our bedroom, it wouldn't be so bad. Nate said something last night about recessed lighting. I think that would be fabulous, but who knows when it will ever get done. I am praying that we will be able to have the hot tub in the living room. I know the Lord can do it, and at the same time, I know that He might just want to be teaching me something by it not working out. I am really praying about this baby's positioning. He is consistently breech, only turning head down for short bits of time, at which time I get a terrible backache. At least I know he can go head down. Actually, in reality I have been worrying about it more than I have been praying, to my shame. Thursday night we are helping Tammy to set up for the Thanksgiving Tea, and celebrating Krista's birthday. I hope it goes well. I have AWANA tonight, so I will have to take a shower at naptime. I have been sleeping then, and it has really helped me have more energy in the afternoon to get things done before Nate comes home. I really hope this mess with the cell phone company gets straightened out. It made me feel so much better to have the cell phone with me, in case I go into labor while I am out with the boys, or if something were to happen after that, there is no way I could walk any distance carrying Ian and a newborn (with that van on its last legs), and holding George's hand, and I don't think Nate will want to take over grocery shopping or errands again. Maybe I just need to trust the Lord more. I'm sure I do, but I still would feel much better knowing I could reach Nate any time. Oh, as I look around at this house, at my impatience with the children, at all I have to do, but feel so inadequate to accomplish, I just want to cry sometimes. I let myself be put first, instead of cleaning or keeping things nice, or the children even. How wrong of me. Perhaps I should keep off of the computer for a few days. I'm afraid it has really been taking too much of my attention, with the homebirth message board. I usually check it twice a day, sometimes more. I am just so tired, and for some silly reason, when I am on the computer, I feel like I am accomplishing something more than if I were to just be sitting or reading or something. Of course, what I should be doing is cleaning the house, but I just have no energy. Oh Lord, please take away this complaisance and all the excuses in my mind, and help me to just obey You. I am praying for wisdom and kindness, like the woman in Proverbs 31. I'd better go, I have much to do.

How time flies!!!

It is hard to believe that if I have this child at the same time as I had Ian, that will be two weeks from today!! It kind of freaks me out, but of course, excites me at the same time. Nate said last night that it would be doable to put that little hot tub in the living room. It would fit almost perfectly to the left of the kitchen doorway and the wall, in the living room. The dimensions of the space are almost built for it, with just exactly enough space between the wall and the window. Now I just have to work hard on not getting my heart set on it, because this would be soooo wonderful. Then we wouldn't have to worry about filling or unfilling the birthing pool, or keeping the water hot, we could set it at exactly the right temperature, and if I have back labor, the jets will be a godsend. I'm thinking after I have the baby, too, it will be wonderful for helping sore muscles relax, and Lordwilling if we can get it this week, it will help me relax enough to get some really good night's sleeps before I go into labor. That will be wonderful. Nate and I got the first coat done on the bedroom lower section last night. Just as with the top color, I loved it going on, but then it dried too dark. I think another coat will just make it darker, but definitely needs to be done. Karen suggested doing a sponge painting coat on the top of off white to lighten it up, but I don't know how you would do that on a dark cranberry red on the bottom. I am just excited to have it done, however, and Nate says it's okay. We watched the Vikings on Monday night football while we painted, but unfortunately, they lost. Nate was cracking me up trying to get the TV to come in, holding the antenna in differant postitions, even taping it to the wall, and holding the TV up about three fee off the desk. He ended up just watching it on our little black and white. I know he wants to get a new tv, and that will be nice for him for times like this, but I do not want it to become common fare again for this household. There is just too much trash out there, and it is so easy to become desensitized to it, and to let that way of thinking permeate your mind. Well, it's off to Wal-mart this morning. I could wait and go tommorow night after AWANA, but I haven't taken the boys anywhere for a while, so we will go today. This morning George was drawing and said "Look, Mama, I drew a balloon!" He certainly had, and right next to it, was a perfect circle and a perfect square! I was so proud of him! I told him we would have to show Daddy when he comes home. Perhaps I will write more later, about my Bible study, a profound lesson this week that again has gone beyond my head knowledge and the Lord has used to infiltrate the deep recesses of my heart. It's all about being content to be me.

Monday Morning

My friend Misty often puts songs at the beginning of her posts, like "Monday, Monday.." I guess that would fit here, too. The boys and I have yucky colds we are getting over. I had ridiculous allergies all day Saturday at my MIL's house, then just felt more and more terrible as the day went on. Sunday morning, Nate got up with the boys, I could hardly move, and when I did get up, he asked me how I was feeling, and then he told me to just go back to bed. I was so thankful, I almost cried. I went back to bed and kept putting my heating pad on differant sore parts of my body. I was aching all over, running nose, dizzy, headache, cough. It felt soooo good to be able to get back into bed, though, and not have to worry about taking care of the boys. I did get up around 10:30 becasue one of the boys threw a ball against my door. When I got up, I realized that they were both in their pajamas and diapers from last night, and started to change Ian so he could take a nap. Nate came in and I reminded him Ian needed to take a nap. Then I went back to bed, and didn't get up until 1!!! I can't remember the last time I got to just laze in bed like that. I still felt sick when I got up, but much better than I did when I got up in the morning. We ate lunch and then got the boys down for a nap. Nate and I laid down on the couch, then decided to pull out the sofa bed, and laid down to take a nap. We were too much enamoured with each other to fall directly asleep, but after some quality time together, we both drifted off again. I got up later on and took a shower, and George woke up while I was in there. Then I made apple pie and we cleaned up some for Nate's parents and aunt Roberta coming over. They came over and we played a game, put the kids to bed, and ate pie. It came out pretty bland. I definitely need to fiddle with the recipe. It was the first time I had made pie crust from the real flour, and using Sucanat with Honey instead of sugar. Not that I could have done otherwise, I haven't had white sugar or white flour in my house for quite a while. I dreamed about when the baby will come. It's coming scaringly quickly. If I have this one at the same time as I had Ian, that will be in only 15 days!?!?! I really want to get the bedroom finished painted and my Christmas stuff up before the baby comes. I already have the clothes all sorted out and ready, and I think I will use the little bouncer/bed I got at Goodwill for the baby's bed, at least in the beginning. It will be so much more easily portable, and then George can still use the travel crib for naptimes. I could easily get upset and start wishing Nathan had actully accomplished what he said he would and gotten work done on the basement, so I could at least look forward to being able to move the boys down to their room in the next few months. But, that simply will not be a reality, and it is truly a sin for me to dwell on what isn't truth, and wish my circumstances were differant. I have to really work on continuing to be content, and following the five commandments of contentment. I think I'll write them out just to remind myself of them today:
1. Never allow yourself to complain about anything, not even the weather.
2. Never picture yourelf in any other circumstances, or someplace else.
3. Never compare your lot with anothers.
4. Never wish this or that had been otherwise.
5. Never allow yourself to dwell on tommorow, remember that is God's, not yours.
I get stuck on the second one, and the third, and well, okay, I have trouble with them all. I have to say, this Bible study had been so timely, once again, in teaching me just what I needed to learn exactly when I needed to learn it. I had just been getting bitter and angry and completely discontented with the basement situation, when we started reading "Calm my Anxious Heart", and the first chapter was on being content with my circumstances. The Lord really is amazing. His loving care, in wanting to teach me this is very humbling. What an affront it is to the Lord for me to not be completely accepting and pleased with the lot He has chosen for me, for my own good. His thoughts are above mine, He has a plan for my life, and it is completely arrogent and self-centered of me to believe that I could have come up with a better plan than He could. I am glad He is in control, and I don't have to worry about it. My part is to peacefully accept what He lays in my path, and try to learn from it what He would teach me. Thankyou, Lord, so much for continuing to remind me of your control, and that I truly have none, and that joy is to be found in such a situation. If the basement ever gets done, I will be happy, but its timing is not up to me. It is a fine line that I need to find Biblical balance on, on the one hand not wanting to trust anything Nathan says, because he has proven his words to so often have no meaning, and just accepting every little thing he says as a sure prediction of what will happen, regardless of what may come up. I think perhps the best thing to do is to trust him, but allow for changes. What he says at a certain time is probably his sincere intention at the time, but he can't predict the future any better than I can. He is a good, godly man who does his best to provide and care for his family, and he is exactly what I need. I think perhaps sometimes I just love him so much I put him up on a pedastal, and when something happens to preclude his spoken intentions, it bothers me more than it should. Also, my love for him too often is in the realm of phileo or eros love, and certainly not agape, as it should be. Oh, Lord, please help me to love him as I should. Help me to love him as you do, and show me practical ways to show him. My feelings, being too emotional, too often get in the way of my own intentions to do as I should. I marvel at what he puts up with in me. Well, I must go, get dressed, get the boys dressed, and get something productive done today. I feel so much better today than I did yesterday, and hopefully the boys do, too. They act as if they are both better. I will write more perhaps tommorow. I am really enjoying having an outlet for my thoughts here, that I can easily access and I think it helps me to see what I am thinking, to analyze it for the too prevalant sins that I let creep into my thinking and words. Lord, I pray that you would help me today be filled with wisdom and kindness.

First post

This is my first post here, and I'm not even sure I've figured out how to do this correctly. We'll see how it turns out. I'm not sure I'll even tell anyone that I am doing this, but perhaps just have it for a personal journal. I suppose the possibility exists that someone would randomly come across this and read it, so for that stranger out there, reading my words, let me tell you a little about myself. I am 26, I am a wife, a mother, a friend. I am 8 months pregnant with our third baby. (Fifth actually, as we have two tiny angels in Heaven.) I am infinitely blessed beyond measure in my life. I have the privelage to be married to a wonderful man named Nathan. He is my best friend and lover. He is gone tonight to a men's retreat with the men of our church. I miss him, although usually at this time he is sleeping anyway, I miss knowing he is close. He is such a great father, and I am so proud of the man that he is. Nathan, if you ever read this, just know how much I admire and adore you. I am the mother of two beautiful boys. They are the light of my life. George will be three on Christmas Eve. I can't believe how quickly he has grown. He is so smart and beautiful. I know that's not a word that "should" be used for a little boy, but it just fits him. He makes everyone he comes in contact with smile. What a treasure he is. Ian is about 16 months old. He is my love bug, so snuggly, and loving, yet with a strong stubborn streak that makes him always an adventure. He is learning and growing so quickly now, and I know when this baby is born, he will seem to have aged exponentially overnight, as that is what happened to George when I had Ian. That's just a bit about my family. I'm not very good at describing myself. I sometimes feel so inadequate to the blessings and responsibilities I have been given. I am truly a sinner saved by grace. If not for the Lord, where would I be? I shudder to think, and praise Him in the same breath, because He sought me out and loved me enough to save me, and continues to uphold me with His mercies and His guidance. I truly do not know how people make it without leaning on the Lord. Well, back to a small description of me. I suppose you could look to the blog title for an idea. Nathan says this is my "motto." LOL. My name means love, I crave peace, and strive to maintain it, and my life is consumed with bringing forth and caring for my babies. I find my greatest joy in loving my children and my husband, when I am loving God like I should. It's funny how they are so dependant upon one another. When I am loving the Lord like I should, He gives me amazing power to love my family as I ought, but when I am neglecting the Lord's influence on my life, I cannot hope to love my husband or my children as they deserve, and as I ought. Anyway, I guess I should put some happenings down, to make this fit the title of journal. Tonight I painted my bedroom. It turned out way darker than the smudge on the paint can, I really hope it lightens up as it dries thoroughly. It really worked out well with Nathan being gone, I was able to do it after I put the kids to bed, and then I will sleep on the couch, so as not to inhale paint fumes all night. That would make for some interesting dreams I bet. I did have to use my inhaler, and am just waiting for the shakes to chill out so that I can try to get some sleep tonight. That has been a scarce thing lately, as I have developed Restless Leg Syndrome in the past few months, and get between 3 and 4 hours of fitful sleep most nights. I have to say, though, the human body is amazing, and I have really adapted to it pretty well now. I guess it won't be that much of a shock to my system after the baby's born, and I will be up all hours nursing. In some ways, I am so excited to meet and hold this little one. That is really the predominant thought in my mind, but there is a part of me that feels sooo unready, and anxious about how I will be able to handle caring for everyone adequately. I know that the Lord will not give me more than I can handle, though, and His grace is sufficient for me. His strength is available, and I just pray now that I will keep seeking His face and guidance and I know He will help me through whatever comes into my path. I think that's a good thought to end on, so I will say goodbye, and perhaps post again tommorow.

Charity