Sunday night!!

T-minus 2ish days til "The Trip". My laundry is done, my house is cleanish, my lists are made, my plans are made, the suitcases are out. Tomorrow I am buying wheat and honey and cat litter and dropping things off at the consignment store. Then I am doing my last packing and repacking and crossing things off lists and making new lists and remembering to pack what I forgot to put on the lists and forgetting to pack what is written in bold, underlined, and circled on the lists (hopefully not). Tuesday, Nathan will be HOME and we will go to the airport with four dressed up children (they want to be in disguise to surprise Grammy- I'll give you three guesses as to which giggly 4 year old thought up this idea) and pick up my mother. Then we will go over The Buchan Care Manual~ better known as "General Guidelines as to the feeding, care, and schedule of four miniature wild Buchans", settle the best mother in the world into her new home for the week and go to sleep (hopefully), then wake up and in the afternoon, go to the airport ourselves (or more accurately, talk someone into taking us to the airport) and then it will be upon us. The only snag in this plan is that I am still sick with a sinus and chest cold. I am doing everything you are supposed to do to get over things, and still it has lingered. I am just praying that it goes away and soon. And now, in the interest of my floundering immune system, I will go to bed, and try not to stay up too late reading "They shoot canoes, don't they?" :)

I should have written sooner...

......about the amazing, incredible, God-ordained beauty that is.......our trip to Scotland. You know, the trip we've dreamed about, thought about, planned out, had our hearts set on, thought would actually never REALLY come together or be possible??? Yup, that trip. Yup, we're going. I still feel a surreal sense of wonder when I say that. Many different factors went into the decision for us to go, including an insane sale on Airtran tickets that allowed us to buy my mom a ticket down here, and of course, her extremely generous willingness to come watch our wild children while we are gone; getting Claire's SS card finally, and being able to do our taxes and getting back almost twice what Nate had estimated (and this was just weird because usually he knows our finances to the penny, he was really surprised); getting some really great commission checks, having rewards money on credit card that covered car rental and gas, and several other really "Divine deals". But, what preempted all of that was some dear wise friends encouraging us to go see the movie UP. I know, you're thinking..."Uh, what does a Pixar movie have to do with going on a ridiculous vacation?" Well, go see the movie and then you'll see. Nathan said he wants to take me to "our Paradise Falls." :)

So, on August 12th, after my mother arrives on the 11th, we will board a plane in Atlanta and fly a bajillion hours to Edinburgh, by way of Amsterdam and arrive in the land of glen and loch and munro at about 10:30 in the morning. There, we will rent a car and I will laugh uproariously and also pray for safety as Nathan drives a stick shift on the wrong side of the road out of the city of Edinburgh. We will head north where we will eventually arrive at an undisclosed (to me) location after taking in several points of interest along the way. Nathan is doing this just like our honeymoon. I know we are going, but I won't know the actual details of the locations until we get there. He just keeps saying "Man, I really want to tell you about this.....but I won't." :P There we will spend three nights, going out every day to planned excursions which will include seeing lots of different castles, looking for long lost relatives in graveyards and kirk lists, among other things. We'll visit the battlefield of Culloden, where so many brave highlanders lost their lives in the doomed effort to follow Bonnie Prince Charlie to his throne and establish their independence from the sassenach English. Then we will drive to another bed and breakfast (this is my guess, I suppose we could be staying in a tent) for two nights, and I think from here we will travel to the Isle of Skye among many other amazingly beautiful places. Nathan really wants to watch the sun set over the ocean. Then travel south for another night somewhere else, planned excursions, and I think this will be the day we "bag our munro" (climb a small mountain), then farther south for our last night in accomodations, then back to Edinburgh, where we will party til late in the night because our flight leaves at 4ish in the morning. We return the 21st, which is actually the day of our 10th anniversary. We will touch back down on American soil at almost exactly the time we were wed a decade ago. While we are there we will also get our picture taken with Nessie (or at least the statue of her by the visitors center at Loch Ness) re-enact part of Monty Python and the Holy Grail, since it was filmed in Scotland ("Silly English Knnnnights!!") eat oatcakes, bannochs, scones, cullen skink and possibly even haggis, have a wee dram of some real Scottish whisky (no "e" in Scotland), and I will try my best to get a picture of Nathan in a kilt.

Also, amongst all the fun we will be having seeing and being in historic places, castles, bed and breakfasts, taking pictures, walking and all, of course we will be without our children. Now, this makes me take a breath, and have to really trust God, and settle my heart. I have never been away, and certainly not this far away, from my kids for this long. I am not worried for their safety or their enjoyment while we are gone, they couldn't be in better hands than my mother's. I need to mentally make the leap that this is okay before I go, though. I will miss them, and it will certainly be strange to be without them. On the other hand, though, besides 24 hours when Grace was a baby, this will be the first time that we will be alone, together, without me hugely pregnant, ever since we had kids. It makes me just stop and think and smile. IF I can get over the fact that we will be millions of miles (okay, it will just feel like that, I know) away from the children, I know we will enjoy it- just the beauty of being with each other, no one, nothing else to take care of or pay attention to than each other. And the fact that this is a celebration of the fact that the Lord has brought us through 10 years of marriage together. That is amazing to me. If I stop and reflect on that fact, I am just in awe of what the Lord has gotten us through, how He has grown us, through circumstances that neither of us ever would have chosen, let alone thought we could get through. And here we are, closer than we have ever been, about to embark on a new facet of our life together, and leaning on the Lord and thankful for all He has given us. What a blessing.

And now, completely apart from anything having to do with Scotland or anniversaries, I wanted to copy something my wise English friend Zoe posted on Facebook today. She is a veritable fountain of knowledge of old, beautiful prayers and blessings, and here is another one. I will leave you with this:

A Franciscan Benediction:

May God bless you with discomfort

At easy answers, half-truths, and superficial relationships

So that you may live deep within your heart.

May God bless you with anger

at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people,

So that you may work for justice, freedom, and peace.

May God bless you with tears

to shed for those who suffer pain, rejection, hunger and war,

So that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and to turn their pain into joy.

And may God bless you with enough foolishness

to believe that you can make a difference in the world,

So that you can do what others claim cannot be done

to bring justice and kindness to all our children and the poor.

Amen Amen Amen

Thankful for the body of Christ I am a part of

There are a lot of things going on in my life right now, but today, I just wanted to write a responce to an article that I read online. Here is the link to the article:

http://www.leadingsmart.com/leadingsmart/2009/06/hey-churchtheyre-just-not-that-into-you.html

When I first read this, my initial thought was "That's not how church is" But then I stopped and smiled and realized AGAIN, how incredibly blessed I am to be a part of the body of believers I call my church family. Because for most of my life, that WAS how church was, that is how church is to so many. Three weeks ago, our pastor preached a sermon on law and grace, and talked about this: "the list" that keeps Christians feeling like they constantly have to be striving, not measuring up, not succeeding, and how that is not what Christ had in mind for us. We should be serving, we should be loving and involved, but as an outpouring and result of love for the Lord, not fear of not living up to standards put in place by fallible humans.

Part of what drew us to our church 6 years ago was the atmosphere of love, which we had experienced before, but only as a draw to get us to sign up for "the list". What keeps us drawn to our church family was seeing for the first time that this love was genuine. We were loved just as much if we didn't make it to Wednesday night service, or sign up to work in Awana, or head up a hospitality group. There was no condemnation, there was no guilt, there was no looking down at us. We realized that the pastor meant it when he talked about personal accountability to the Holy Spirit (instead of him trying to fill that role as so many pastors we had known tried to do). He preaches unabashedly straight Scripture, not Scripture with our denominational or cultural traditions thrown in.

What this translates into is our praying for other churches in the community, instead of comparing ourselves to them. It means we pray, and trust the Lord, and watch the building fund grow exponentially before our eyes, knowing that it was the Lord Who grew it, not the guilt induced offerings of a congregation made to feel that giving=sanctification, and now we are about to have our building dedication, debt-free every step of the way.

It means there are no critical looks if someones dress doesn't meet "church" standards of modesty or fashion- we are encouraged to love as Jesus loved us, and we know that what's in the heart is what matters. There is just not much focus on the outward appearance, although if you were to stop and take stock, you would see "modestly" dressed people, some with head coverings, some in jeans, some in expensive outfits. I was reminded again this last week how peculiar our church is in our outlook. I went to visit a friend and our kids went to the little daycamp at her church next door. We were sitting talking to the pastor and his wife. My friend and the pastor's wife were discussing clothes they were going to wear at camp the next week- this was obviously an important topic that they talked about a lot. Then the pastor came over and tugged at his wife's past knee length shorts and said something to the effect of "watch it, your knees were showing." Until that moment in the day, I had only thought about my clothing when I put it on in the morning and subconsciously decided it was modest and looked fine. As soon as I assimilated the conversation going on around me, a flood of memories came back to me- of being in church and Christian college atmospheres where the hem of your skirt and the cut of your shirt determined how "holy" you were and you constantly felt either guilty for not measuring up, or prideful if you were beyond the standard.

And I think that mindset is what is induced when you hold "the list" as equal with Scripture- either you feel guilty that you are not able to meet the requirements of attendence and service, or you feel a false sense of accomplishment and judgmental pride, comparing yourself with others who haven't checked off as many boxes as you have. There is no serving with love, because you are not serving the person of Christ- you are serving an artificial god, that can never really be appeased, because even if you kill yourself trying to fulfill every part of a list of things that will make you a "good Christian", you will eventually fail and feel guilty. Truly serving Christ means learning from Scripture and listening to the Holy Spirit, and letting Him lead you into the service He lays on your heart. Unfortunately, serving Christ and serving "the church" (by this, I mean the leadership and fundamentals of many denominations, not the body of Christ, as 'the church' should mean) are not always the same in our culture and society. I know too many churches, too many believers whose attention to the Holy Spirit within them and the Scripture they hold in their hands is being obscured by the demands of the church leadership they are under. They are being taught that church attendence=spirituality, and how you dress=sanctification, adherence to the guidelines=holiness.

It seems that church leadership is turning into a priesthood, holding the keys to absolution, and the power of guilt and condemnation. They are trying to lead through inducing fear and guilt, instead of what Christ intended- the individual priesthood of the believer, which leads to a desire to serve out of love for the Lord and fellow believers. I see our church as proof that you can accomplish all the objectives of "the list" (church attendence, service, accountabilty) by letting the Lord lead, by preaching Scripture and adherance to it, by focusing on love and humility, and not on pride or guilt. The list should not be the objective, it should be the natural result of the fruit of the living in the Spirit by letting him lead, and it won't always look like what you have in mind. The Lord did not redeem us to make us robots, my service to the Lord will not look like yours.

I think it's a subtle shift in mentality that makes the difference here, and you can see the results of it. On the "list" side, the focus in on outward adherance to things- your attendance, your dress, your involvement. On the other side, it's the condition of your heart, your motives, and a peace that comes from knowing that you are accountable to the Lord, and He is Who you are living and serving to please, in fellowship with those of like minded faith.

I'm here. I'm struggling, but I'm hopeful. Nate and I had a long talk the other night that I was thankful took place. I am blessed to be married to a man that supports me and loves me, even if he doesn't understand me all the time. For that matter, I don't understand myself all the time. I believe I am pretty much over my kidney infection, a week of antibiotics done and no more fever and not much pain. I still feel just drained and tired, but I am thankful to be better.

Ian's birthday is in a couple of weeks, and he has decided that he wants to have a Dinosaur Party! I don't feel up to the task, but I am excited to make this birthday special for him. I already have some ideas for games and food and a cake. We will listen to the CD and read "Skippy Jon Jones and the Big Bones" and have a "fossil hunt" in the sand box, and some sort of scavenger hunt. I hope I can make it fun for him. He's really excited.

My mom might come to visit in July and we would go down to see Dave and Audra in Florida. I really hope this works out. Nate even said fine without even figuring out exactly how much it would all cost.

I will write more another time. Running out of steam......need coffee........ :P

I was just going to start blogging last night when Nate got home at about 10. It was strange to see him come in the door not in his collared work shirt and khaki pants, but in a dirty t-shirt and clay encrusted jeans and work boots. I said, with my tongue in my cheek, "Who are you? My husband is a *manager*, surely he doesn't do work that gets him this dirty!" We both laughed, because we know that even though technically his job title is "Retail Manager", overseeing the running of the five stores, (as well as being the purchasing, inventory and warehouse manager, marketing and advertising man, IT and phone repair man, complaints department, angry customer pacifier and problem solver extraordinaire, accounting and payables supervisor, above-ground pool seller and construction coordinator, and hot tub salesman and delivery man), a lot of his time is spent doing work that he knows other people either don't have time to do, or they don't have official sanction to work as many hours as he does. That's why he was pouring concrete at 6 yesterday morning and fixing a pool filter at 9 last night, and inbetween those doing a bunch of other things that left him dirty, sunburned and exhausted. Sounds like no fun, but I actually thinks he enjoys those types of days more than when he is filling his more traditional roles. Last week he spent half a day organizing and cleaning a warehouse at one of the stores. The store manager said "You shouldn't be doing this type of work- you're the boss!" (Basically this person was just annoyed with him for "messing up" their system, which consisted of half open boxes every two feet all over the floor) Nate assured the manager that a lot of the work he did wasn't technically in his job description, but it had to be done, and he could do it. And while he didn't need his degrees in Accounting or Business Management to break down boxes and sweep a dirty floor, sometimes that's the best use of his talents for that time. The guy who was helping Nate was very amused by the fact that the vertically challenged complaining store manager insisted that no one would be able to reach the products if Nate put them up on the warehouse shelves where they belonged, since they had no ladder.....and lo and behold, after cleaning up the dirty mess of boxes in one corner of the warehouse, Nate found the ladder.

Even though there are times, (okay, many times) when I fight feelings of resentment over Nate's dedication to his job, I really am proud of him for the humble servant leadership he displays. He never angrily berates his employees or store managers (even though there are times when I so would have), he never just puts off on someone else what he could reasonably do himself, he listens to their venting, complaining, and just talking, and tries to encourage them and help them if he can. He goes the extra mile (or 10) to insure that the customers he deals with are taken care of, fufilling the verse that says "As much as it depends on you, be at peace with all men". Other verses come to mind as well, such as "Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might." and "Whatever you do, do it unto the Lord and not unto men." and "Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus...but made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant..." There have been times when employees have maligned him and overtly counterminded his directions, and the owner took their side, and still Nate fulfilled this verse "Do all things without complaining and arguing." After venting his very understandable frustration to me, a few days later in tears told me that he had been really convicted and the Lord really spoke to him with this verse "Love your enemies, bless them who curse you, do good to them who hate you, and pray for them who despitefully use you and persecute you." After telling his employer the facts of the situation, he never said an ill word to anyone in the company about the person who had "despitefully used" him. I think the whole situation made me angry and have evil thoughts on his behalf way more than it did him. He is genuinly surprised every year when the employees get together and give him a gift and card. (Of course, I think everyone in the company should pledge him their undie-ing servitude for life, but that's just me) I am so proud to be married to this man who has spent his last 8 years being such a good example of these Biblical commands in his workplace. The time and attention he has given, the hours sacrificed, the thought and effort and love he has poured into the company has earned him money, and in some cases respect and appreciation, but only God has seen the extent of his devotion, and I pray God rewards him for that. I wish I could take back all the times I was less than rewarding after just missing him so much from him being gone.

I remember when I first realized that I loved this man, it was a morning in early November, over a decade ago. I was reading my Bible before meeting Nate for breakfast before our first period classes. I found my mind wandering to our time together the evening before, just hanging out and laughing as friends. All of a sudden I just felt this calm, reasoned realization wash over me, as if I opened my eyes and realized I was standing in the midst of a still lake. It was not a head over heels, "I have to be with this person or I will just die" kind of feeling, or a physical desire for him. It was just the quiet realization that I wanted the absolute best for him and that I would do anything in my power for the rest of my life to make sure of that, even if it meant we were not together. It was not in any way the kind of "love" I had ever experienced or felt, or even imagined. I just knew, for certain that I wanted to help him and bless him and love him in this way as much as I could, and it really didn't have anything to do with whether or not he loved me at all. Looking back on this now, I know this was from the Lord, and that the power to love Nate truly in this way can only come from the Lord. There have not been many times when I have been able to live up to this, but I know my highest and best times of being a blessing to my husband have been motivated by and strengthened with the love that can only come from the Lord. Ironically enough, this love that I so rarely attain, and yet strive for is what I am named. The love that comes only from the Lord, the love that He loves all of us with, is agape, or charity. Read I Corinthians 13 in the KJV- that's what I am named for.

And what does all of this "love talk" have to do with how proud I am of my husband? Well, as I said before, there have been times when I have resented his devotion to his job and felt like he loved his work more than he loved me. Let's be honest, there have been times when I have complained to anyone who would listen about poor beleagured me, stuck home alone, basically single parenting little kids, being ignored, unloved, unappreciated, blah, blah, blah. But the truth is, Nate's God-ordained devotion to the job God provided for him has been one of the biggest things the Lord has used to teach me about true love and devotion, both mine, and my husbands', and the Lords'. What I have learned about my own love is that it is too often shallow, self-centered, and brittle. (see rant above) But, the Lord has been teaching me, oh so patiently, through these years, to let go a little bit more and to get a little closer to that first vision of love that the Lord gave me that November morning. To go through I Cor. 13 with this in mind, If I am truly Biblically loving my husband, than I will be patient when I am sitting lonely in my house full of sleeping children at night, I will be kind when he comes in the door too exhausted to do anything but eat and sleep. I will not be jealous when I hear of his giving and helping and laughing with his employees. I will not put myself forward or arrogently argue that he should be home helping me, loving me, etc. I will not throw a grown-up temper tantrum when he has to be gone even on a Sunday to do a homeshow. I will not be provoked to sin by feeling slighted or unappreciated. I will not keep a record of past offenses, or assume that he's just having a grand time at work and doesn't really want to be home. I will not rejoice at the unrighteousness of the thought of cursing out anyone who does not appreciate the sacrifice of MY husband's time away from me, and I will rejoice in the truth that Nate should be working as hard as he does in order to Biblically and responsibly fulfill all that the Lord (not his employer) has given him to do at this time in our lives. I will bear all things, even not having an hour of "me-time" away from my kids in months. I will believe all things, even when the jealous wife inside me wants to assign some evil motive to my husband's actions. I will hope all things, even that the Lord will someday change the circumstances and fulfill the vision He gave Nate over a year ago of the boundary between work and home being a doorway, and not being 93 hours away from home in a 6 day workweek. I will endure all things, even uncertainty about the future and waiting on the Lord to fulfill His promises, as He always does. I know that I can do all these things, because this kind of love never fails- it is not in me, it is only from the Lord. I can't do any of this, I don't want to do any of this, if I am relying solely on my heart to generate the power for this, but I don't have to.

What I have learned about the Lord's love in this time is that it is He, not my husband, Who has the power to fulfill all the emotional needs He created me with. It is God, not Nate, Who should have all my cares cast upon Him, because He cares for me. I have learned that it is only a loving God Who will lead me through a valley of loneliness to realize that He really is the One I have been lonely for. How would I have realized the depth of my need for the Lord if I had my husband around always to partially quench that need? Now, I am certainly not saying that for a person to truly understand the love of the Lord, they need to be deprived of the love of others. Not at all. All I'm saying is that my heart could more readily learn this lesson in this circumstance that the Lord specifically gave me, knowing as He does, my heart. Unfortunately, I am just not one of those people who learn something once and never forget it. My mind wanders, I forget, I take my eyes off the One Who sustains me, and then wonder why I am not being sustained. (See previous post for proof of my foolish, wandering heart.) So, it is affirming to write what the Lord has done, how His mercies, new every morning, are what really give me joy and life, and enable me to do what the Lord has called me to do, which includes being joyfully proud of the man He has called me to love, and so thankful for the path He has called me to walk.

I'm.....I really don't know. Many words come to mind, but not many of them are pleasant, so should I really be dwelling on them? Probably not. Maybe I should just stick to the facts, and leave how I'm feeling well out of it all. How about bullets? That way I don't have to think of cohesive paragraph structure! :)

• The Lord is really working on me in the area of balance. I tend to go too "gung ho" into things and then end up exhausted and failing, or I assume that only doing a little of something just isn't good enough so why do it at all? This is not healthy thinking and I am striving to change it, in many areas.
• My grandmother's 80th birthday is coming up. I so wish I could go to the party they have planned for her.
• Nathan clocked 85 hours this week. Of course, this doesn't count his 45 minute commute either side of that every day. Our interactions are very short, and I have a hard time even knowing what to say to him. Mostly I am trying just to let him talk for the few minutes awake he is home and be supportive.
• Technically we have 6 days of school left to fulfill the state's requirements. I am going to give George a break from English workbooks for awhile when he finishes the ones he is on, but we will keep doing math and other things through the summer.
• Right now we are reading Stories of the Pilgrims, The second Boxcar Children book, and George and I still have a few chapters left to Swiss Family Robinson. We gave that a break for a few weeks while reading some other things.
• On my own, I am reading some Maeve Binchy brain cake novels, and just finished a "midquel" to a series I read for the first time about 20 years ago. The author of this series seemed so bright and clever and absorbing when first I read him, but as I have gotten older he now seems pedantic and predictible. I am so familiar with his reading style I can read him faster than other books. For some reason, I feel compelled to read everything he writes, even thought half the time I am rolling my eyes at him.
• Someone knocked my mailbox clean off into the ditch yesterday. I had a really hard time not just kicking it the rest of the way to pieces when I saw it yesterday afternoon. It seemed like a good vent of my frustration, but I did hold it in. I'm just glad the person responsible for it wasn't there when I discovered it.
• I am really working on trying to more encouraging with the kids, especially George. If I am not REALLY paying attention to it, then I end up correcting him way more than I am praising his good behavior, which really, is most of the time. I need to really get my positive comments to outweigh the negative.
• I watched a John Wayne western last night in which John Wayne actually dies!!!! This is, of course, against the natural order of the universe, and just upset me more than it should have. Of course, I do realize that he is actually dead, (and I have it on a good source, in Heaven!) but I just prefer my mental image of the Duke riding safely into the sunset in a cloud of dust.
• And I was reminded again how freakishly similar John Wayne's voice is to that of Eeyore.
• I think every major muscle group in my body is sore right now, despite a long soak in my hot tub last night. I am happy this is so, for it means I am exercising regularly again. I am trying to include this in my quest for moderation, and not go so overboard that I burn myself out.
• I miss my mother. I wish she lived just around the corner and we could visit a few times a week. Just sit down and have a cup of coffee together.
• I am praying, looking, waiting, hoping and praying some more for a new job for Nathan. I'm glad the Lord has that all figured out.
• I have been looking and looking for some casual summer dresses. Of course, this is not in any way a need, just a rather fervent want that would be convenient and really nice. After months of searching at every thrift and consignment and even (gasp!) real store, I have concluded that perhaps they just do not exist. I sure have had no luck in finding any.
• I am thrilled to say that my oldest son is now a complete expert on making a half a pot of brewed coffee and putting just the right amount of sinful flavored creamer in and bringing it to me. That right there is worth 10,000 negative comments being never uttered. Truly, he is such a special boy. I am proud of him, and even more important, I think he is proud of himself. He's such a blessing, even if he didn't bring me coffee. :)
• In my quest to fit into my wedding dress by August 21st, I have quit eating after 8 pm. I think this is actually helping. At least I feel a bit better in the morning. And being on an exercise schedule forces me to be on a better eating schedule of healthy food- if you don't feed the machine, it won't run for you.
• I watched "Dan in Real Life" this week again. It's one of those movies that gets better the more you watch it. Not that there aren't a few bits of it that I don't fast forward through, but the movie's story is sweet in a sad way and I really like it.
• I have bought a few little things for Nate's birthday, but I couldn't find what I really wanted and am frustrated thinking that he won't even care about what I have gotten. I just feel so disconnected from him right now, it's hard to think of what the best thing for him would be. I have never actually given him a present that he really, truly loved, I don't think. Usually, he's either satisfied with its usefulness or questioning its cost. He is a hard man to buy for. He told me he wants a job listing. And oh, how I wish I could give him that.....
• I need a drink. Of water. Since Nate won't let me have vodka in the house.
• I am getting tired of everyone hinting and saying and maybe thinking and not saying that I need to get on the ball and potty train Claire. And I'm more tired of the fact that that even bothers me. While I seem pretty independant, that doesn't mean I am not internally affected by what I perceive to be others opinions of me and my actions. I can not commit to what it would take to potty train a completely uninterested child at this time. If I had no other children, this would be different. If I did not homeschool, this would be different. If I did not care if it turned into a battle of the wills power struggle, this would be different. If I were not utterly exhausted from being responsible for every thing that goes on in my home because my husband is home about 7 hours out of every 24, this would be different. But, I am where I am right now and it really doesn't bother me that my baby is still in diapers. I think it bothers me more that I know people think ill of me for that- and that is where *I* need to change. I am only accountable to the Lord for the raising of my children. I just wish I could remember that all the time.
• There are days I want to pack us all up and get in the car and just drive away. Many days.
• I am glad I am not pregnant, but these almost labor like cramps are really wearing me down right now.
• I know there are many women out there who would be terribly offended to hear me say I am glad I am not pregnant. I wish them all the babies the Lord wants them to have, and for them to understand that my desire not to have any more is not rooted in disregard or dislike for children, but in great regard and unfathomable love for the ones the Lord has already blessed me with.
• I know I said I would try to keep my feelings out of this, but this is my blog, after all, and I'll cry if I want to....or rather....get a massive headache from trying so hard not to cry.
• I feel unquenchably, unendingly lonely. Not that I crave the presence of other people. I am incredibly blessed to be able to spend my days with four of the best people I have ever known. I am just being made very aware right now of those places in my heart that no one has ever touched and I don't even know how to begin to let anyone into them, or if I want to. Of course, this is in great part due to Nathan's absence, but even in his presence there are so many times when the walls are left up, the invisible defenses impenetrable, and the real me behind the stone, wondering if I will die here.
• I know that sounds terribly bereft, and of course, begs the question "Is not God there with you?" which is what I strive to remind myself of everyday. I know in my head that He is, but knowing that in my heart takes more effort than I am up to some days.
• I will not end with that thought......
• I am going to watch "The Quiet Man" tonight while folding laundry. At least I know John Wayne isn't going to die in that one.
• I told the boys they could stay up "late" tonight if they napped this afternoon. I hear Ian kicking the wall on his bed right now, as I have for the last hour.
• My wonderful father in law has mowed my lawn for me 3 weeks in a row now. They are such a blessing to me. Last Saturday, they even took all the kids for a few hours in the evening so I could get some grocery shopping and housework done. It was SOOO nice to be able to do that.
• I bought lemons to go in my water. I love this.
• Okay, is that enough? I should really go get something productive done...Or maybe eat something, now that I am starting to feel a little funny.

Thursday

I just exercised for the first time in about 2 weeks. The pain in my chest has subsided greatly, for which I am very thankful. I suppose I should chronicle that I was diagnosed with chostocondritis a few weeks ago. I never thought ice on my chest would actually feel good, but it has. And I am happy not to have to do it anymore. It's amazing to me how long it takes for my muscles to become awakened and engaged in everyday motion. Only after weeks of consistent use do I reach this state- which is the beginning of where I would like to be, and yet it takes only days to revert back to feeling um, well, I don't know how to describe it exactly, but just like I normally do if I am not exercising regularly. The awareness of my muscle groups, of how my body bends and flexes and strengthens is not a state I have consistently been in for many years. I can remember it, and I yearn for it to become my norm again, but it sure takes a lot of work to sustain, and only a little slacking off for it to dissipate. Anyway, I am thankful to be able to exercise a bit again today.

I picked up an old paperback for 50 cents at a thrift store. I thought it looked interesting. I was mostly just amused by the words of praise over the title, which read "The most powerful and magical high spiritual adventure since The Teachings of Don Juan." The name of the book is The Tracker by Tom Brown Jr. It's about this man's childhood in the woods of New Jersey, and the education in tracking and nature of him and his best friend Rick by Rick's grandfather, Stalking Wolf. My heart has always been at peace in the woods and I loved reading this book about the intricate patterns of nature and animals and birds and how with patience and dedication, these patterns become observable, and finally prominent to the eye.

I read a wide variety of books, some historical fiction, some ridiculous science fiction, some literary classics, some just what I like to call "Brain Cake". Sometimes I read a book and am just fascinated by the characters, how different they are from me, and how I could never or would never do what they do. But some books resonate with me, and a part of my soul just knows that I could, in another life perhaps, have done and enjoyed the same things that these people have done. This book was like that. Not that I certainly could have attained the level of skill that this man did, but I would have enjoyed the education and the path that he started on. Of course, I have a completely different perspective. Mr. Brown talks abut the "spirit that moves in all things" and "omens" and things like that, and I know that it is God that moves in all things and His hand that guides His creation. Still, I enjoyed the book, and it had several great little nuggets of truth in it. In one chapter, Tom is detailing his and Rick's survival "tests", set up by Stalking Wolf to help them see what they were capable of.

He says "A limitless commitment to learning was less important than knowing the limits we had and what they were. Our training was a matter of defining our limits to ourselves as well as a way of sharpening our skills.....We only learn our limits by testing them. Given adequate water, it takes a month to starve to death in a book, but there are practical limits as well as theoretical ones. There is a point after which hunger either takes up the whole of your mind or becomes insignificant. We fasted until we found that after the second day it gets easier and easier, until you come to a point where you know the only thing that could stop your fast would be the bodily decay that comes with death. We learned two things from our tests, the limits of our power and the limits of our will. One was a measurement of our skill and the other was the measurement of our personality. If we were in the woods and without food, we knew how long that fact would make us uncomfortable and how long before it would affect what we could do. We always knew how long before we would have to think in survival terms and that thinking allowed us to function normally in what would have seemed like life-or-death situations to anyone else. Most people underestimate their abilities because they never had a chance to test their limits."

I so agree with that last statement. Not in terms of survival in the woods, but just in everyday life. I know I, and so many people I know, so often freak out when x, y, or z happens, thinking that we can just never withstand this testing from the Lord. Or we hear of someone going through something and think "I could just never do that." But, I know people who have gone through times in their lives when their first thought waking up every morning was the knowledge that this was probably their last day on earth. And yet, by the grace of God, they still did function, and loved their families, and praised their Father, and got through to the other side. Now, I have never been in any situation like that, thus far. But even the small pressure of the paths the Lord has brought me down, I remember people just rolling their eyes at and saying "I just don't know how you do it, I could just never have been throwing up pregnant and nursing and have had 1, 2, 3 (fill in the blank) toddlers to take care of." Or "I could just never handle having a husband that's gone 80 hours a week" Comments like these always puzzled me. As if I had chosen these as the best possible variations of life, OR as if I could have done anything to change them simply by refusing to accept them as what God had for me. It always seemed so ridiculous to me that numerous people found these circumstances just "unbearable" when they didn't know if God would have it in His plan to give them much more trying circumstances. I know I have found myself thinking these same thoughts, though. A friend's husband was deployed to Iraq two years ago and she was a single mom for a year and a half. Another lady I know loved and loved and loved her unsaved husband, trying to show him the joy in the Lord she had found, and he cheated on her and left her and took her children from her. I found myself saying "I could never have handled that." But, who knows what the Lord has in store for me or for any of us? I don't think it is for us to say what we can or can not handle, but simply to do our best with the path the Lord has us on right now.

Tom Brown went on to say "A lot of people panic in the woods because they think they are facing impossible obstacles. Almost universally, those people who have survived impossible circumstances did not panic and found that they could survive far beyond what they normally thought of as their limits. We knew what our limits were, and we knew that there was probably a reserve behind them that would only come out when the crisis was for real." I think in life, sometimes the Lord tests us, not to just make us feel overwhelmed, but to prepare us for a situation that will require the patience and contentment we will only acquire by going through that test. I remember when I was pregnant with Grace and trying to take care of Ian and George, thinking back to when I only had George, or when I was pregnant with Ian. At those times, I thought things were so hard, and there were days when I cried out to the Lord, saying "I can't handle this." and yet, with His help, I did. It made things seem not so hard as some people seemed to believe they were. And there have been many, many days since then that have been exponentially harder. I remember the first time I went shopping with all four kids. It was a disaster. I thought it would never be any better and that we would all just starve to death, because I couldn't physically make it through a grocery shopping trip with my children. And now, while it's certainly not easy, and I don't enjoy it (by a long shot), we do it all the time. And we haven't starved yet. I had a friend comment to me a while ago, after calling and me saying that I was just laying down on the couch while the kids did puzzles on the floor, that she never would have given herself permission to lay down while her kids were awake. For me, though, after being throwing up pregnant and physically unable to keep my eyes open while taking care of my kids more times than I'd like to recall, I learned that it is possible to lay down and still have your children survive. When you have no other choice in something, it forces you to realize that "acceptable conditions" has a much wider range than you previously thought. I remember thinking it was just "unacceptable" when my husband was gone 60 hours a week. I remember just feeling so sorry for myself and thinking how unfair it all was to me. Right. And now I know it is a ministry to my husband to love and support him no matter how much he has to work. I have learned that I can survive and thrive and be a blessing in conditions much "worse" than I previously thought to be the limit of my small ability to handle. And maybe that was the limit, I have just learned (am continuing to daily learn) that there are many things that can only be handled with the Lord's help and strength. I am reminded of one of my favorite verses "His strength is made perfect in weakness." I should be thankful that the Lord has given me such amazing weakness so that His strength has so much chance to be perfected in my life.

So anyway, to complete my thoughts on the book, I found it satisfying on many levels- it delved into some of the mysteries of nature, which I loved, and it reminded me of things the Lord has been teaching me lately. I am thankful the Lord remembers my short attention span, He is so good to continually remind me of things He is teaching me.

And now for some gems from Ian:

"Wow, Heaven sounds better than a small Chinese restaurant!!" I just wish I could see what exactly this means in his mind.

Holding a lego contraption with a gun at one end "Braver, Faster....Shootier!!"

Holding a package of Swedish fish "Do the people who made this just love to lie and be naughty and don't know God?" "Uhhh," I answered, "I don't know, Ian, why would you think they love to lie?" "Well, you know, they try to make you think that this is a fruit snack and is healthy, but really it's made of sugar and it's not fruitful or healthful!"

Putting on pajamas with no characters on them, just a plain shirt and shorts "Hey, everybody, look at me, I'm a MAN!! I have on MAN pajamas!"

With a Star Wars shirt and (unmatching) Star Wars pajama pants on "Hey Mama, I'm Star Wars flage!" "Uhhh," I answered, "What?!?" "You know, when I have on my camo shirt and pants, I'm camo flage, (two words) so now I'm Star Wars flage!"

Looking at greeting cards at Target today, he unfortunately saw a card with a "Caution" sign on the front with a crude stick drawing and the words "dangerous gas" on it, which of course, George read very loudly. Ian went on to (loudly, of course) say "Dangerous gas!! I bet Daddy's going to get that at his work, and Grandpa gets dangerous gas all the time, because he fixes cars and George, do you think we'll ever have dangerous gas???"

And with that lovely thought, I will close this long overdue blog post. :)