I'm here. I'm struggling, but I'm hopeful. Nate and I had a long talk the other night that I was thankful took place. I am blessed to be married to a man that supports me and loves me, even if he doesn't understand me all the time. For that matter, I don't understand myself all the time. I believe I am pretty much over my kidney infection, a week of antibiotics done and no more fever and not much pain. I still feel just drained and tired, but I am thankful to be better.

Ian's birthday is in a couple of weeks, and he has decided that he wants to have a Dinosaur Party! I don't feel up to the task, but I am excited to make this birthday special for him. I already have some ideas for games and food and a cake. We will listen to the CD and read "Skippy Jon Jones and the Big Bones" and have a "fossil hunt" in the sand box, and some sort of scavenger hunt. I hope I can make it fun for him. He's really excited.

My mom might come to visit in July and we would go down to see Dave and Audra in Florida. I really hope this works out. Nate even said fine without even figuring out exactly how much it would all cost.

I will write more another time. Running out of steam......need coffee........ :P

I was just going to start blogging last night when Nate got home at about 10. It was strange to see him come in the door not in his collared work shirt and khaki pants, but in a dirty t-shirt and clay encrusted jeans and work boots. I said, with my tongue in my cheek, "Who are you? My husband is a *manager*, surely he doesn't do work that gets him this dirty!" We both laughed, because we know that even though technically his job title is "Retail Manager", overseeing the running of the five stores, (as well as being the purchasing, inventory and warehouse manager, marketing and advertising man, IT and phone repair man, complaints department, angry customer pacifier and problem solver extraordinaire, accounting and payables supervisor, above-ground pool seller and construction coordinator, and hot tub salesman and delivery man), a lot of his time is spent doing work that he knows other people either don't have time to do, or they don't have official sanction to work as many hours as he does. That's why he was pouring concrete at 6 yesterday morning and fixing a pool filter at 9 last night, and inbetween those doing a bunch of other things that left him dirty, sunburned and exhausted. Sounds like no fun, but I actually thinks he enjoys those types of days more than when he is filling his more traditional roles. Last week he spent half a day organizing and cleaning a warehouse at one of the stores. The store manager said "You shouldn't be doing this type of work- you're the boss!" (Basically this person was just annoyed with him for "messing up" their system, which consisted of half open boxes every two feet all over the floor) Nate assured the manager that a lot of the work he did wasn't technically in his job description, but it had to be done, and he could do it. And while he didn't need his degrees in Accounting or Business Management to break down boxes and sweep a dirty floor, sometimes that's the best use of his talents for that time. The guy who was helping Nate was very amused by the fact that the vertically challenged complaining store manager insisted that no one would be able to reach the products if Nate put them up on the warehouse shelves where they belonged, since they had no ladder.....and lo and behold, after cleaning up the dirty mess of boxes in one corner of the warehouse, Nate found the ladder.

Even though there are times, (okay, many times) when I fight feelings of resentment over Nate's dedication to his job, I really am proud of him for the humble servant leadership he displays. He never angrily berates his employees or store managers (even though there are times when I so would have), he never just puts off on someone else what he could reasonably do himself, he listens to their venting, complaining, and just talking, and tries to encourage them and help them if he can. He goes the extra mile (or 10) to insure that the customers he deals with are taken care of, fufilling the verse that says "As much as it depends on you, be at peace with all men". Other verses come to mind as well, such as "Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might." and "Whatever you do, do it unto the Lord and not unto men." and "Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus...but made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant..." There have been times when employees have maligned him and overtly counterminded his directions, and the owner took their side, and still Nate fulfilled this verse "Do all things without complaining and arguing." After venting his very understandable frustration to me, a few days later in tears told me that he had been really convicted and the Lord really spoke to him with this verse "Love your enemies, bless them who curse you, do good to them who hate you, and pray for them who despitefully use you and persecute you." After telling his employer the facts of the situation, he never said an ill word to anyone in the company about the person who had "despitefully used" him. I think the whole situation made me angry and have evil thoughts on his behalf way more than it did him. He is genuinly surprised every year when the employees get together and give him a gift and card. (Of course, I think everyone in the company should pledge him their undie-ing servitude for life, but that's just me) I am so proud to be married to this man who has spent his last 8 years being such a good example of these Biblical commands in his workplace. The time and attention he has given, the hours sacrificed, the thought and effort and love he has poured into the company has earned him money, and in some cases respect and appreciation, but only God has seen the extent of his devotion, and I pray God rewards him for that. I wish I could take back all the times I was less than rewarding after just missing him so much from him being gone.

I remember when I first realized that I loved this man, it was a morning in early November, over a decade ago. I was reading my Bible before meeting Nate for breakfast before our first period classes. I found my mind wandering to our time together the evening before, just hanging out and laughing as friends. All of a sudden I just felt this calm, reasoned realization wash over me, as if I opened my eyes and realized I was standing in the midst of a still lake. It was not a head over heels, "I have to be with this person or I will just die" kind of feeling, or a physical desire for him. It was just the quiet realization that I wanted the absolute best for him and that I would do anything in my power for the rest of my life to make sure of that, even if it meant we were not together. It was not in any way the kind of "love" I had ever experienced or felt, or even imagined. I just knew, for certain that I wanted to help him and bless him and love him in this way as much as I could, and it really didn't have anything to do with whether or not he loved me at all. Looking back on this now, I know this was from the Lord, and that the power to love Nate truly in this way can only come from the Lord. There have not been many times when I have been able to live up to this, but I know my highest and best times of being a blessing to my husband have been motivated by and strengthened with the love that can only come from the Lord. Ironically enough, this love that I so rarely attain, and yet strive for is what I am named. The love that comes only from the Lord, the love that He loves all of us with, is agape, or charity. Read I Corinthians 13 in the KJV- that's what I am named for.

And what does all of this "love talk" have to do with how proud I am of my husband? Well, as I said before, there have been times when I have resented his devotion to his job and felt like he loved his work more than he loved me. Let's be honest, there have been times when I have complained to anyone who would listen about poor beleagured me, stuck home alone, basically single parenting little kids, being ignored, unloved, unappreciated, blah, blah, blah. But the truth is, Nate's God-ordained devotion to the job God provided for him has been one of the biggest things the Lord has used to teach me about true love and devotion, both mine, and my husbands', and the Lords'. What I have learned about my own love is that it is too often shallow, self-centered, and brittle. (see rant above) But, the Lord has been teaching me, oh so patiently, through these years, to let go a little bit more and to get a little closer to that first vision of love that the Lord gave me that November morning. To go through I Cor. 13 with this in mind, If I am truly Biblically loving my husband, than I will be patient when I am sitting lonely in my house full of sleeping children at night, I will be kind when he comes in the door too exhausted to do anything but eat and sleep. I will not be jealous when I hear of his giving and helping and laughing with his employees. I will not put myself forward or arrogently argue that he should be home helping me, loving me, etc. I will not throw a grown-up temper tantrum when he has to be gone even on a Sunday to do a homeshow. I will not be provoked to sin by feeling slighted or unappreciated. I will not keep a record of past offenses, or assume that he's just having a grand time at work and doesn't really want to be home. I will not rejoice at the unrighteousness of the thought of cursing out anyone who does not appreciate the sacrifice of MY husband's time away from me, and I will rejoice in the truth that Nate should be working as hard as he does in order to Biblically and responsibly fulfill all that the Lord (not his employer) has given him to do at this time in our lives. I will bear all things, even not having an hour of "me-time" away from my kids in months. I will believe all things, even when the jealous wife inside me wants to assign some evil motive to my husband's actions. I will hope all things, even that the Lord will someday change the circumstances and fulfill the vision He gave Nate over a year ago of the boundary between work and home being a doorway, and not being 93 hours away from home in a 6 day workweek. I will endure all things, even uncertainty about the future and waiting on the Lord to fulfill His promises, as He always does. I know that I can do all these things, because this kind of love never fails- it is not in me, it is only from the Lord. I can't do any of this, I don't want to do any of this, if I am relying solely on my heart to generate the power for this, but I don't have to.

What I have learned about the Lord's love in this time is that it is He, not my husband, Who has the power to fulfill all the emotional needs He created me with. It is God, not Nate, Who should have all my cares cast upon Him, because He cares for me. I have learned that it is only a loving God Who will lead me through a valley of loneliness to realize that He really is the One I have been lonely for. How would I have realized the depth of my need for the Lord if I had my husband around always to partially quench that need? Now, I am certainly not saying that for a person to truly understand the love of the Lord, they need to be deprived of the love of others. Not at all. All I'm saying is that my heart could more readily learn this lesson in this circumstance that the Lord specifically gave me, knowing as He does, my heart. Unfortunately, I am just not one of those people who learn something once and never forget it. My mind wanders, I forget, I take my eyes off the One Who sustains me, and then wonder why I am not being sustained. (See previous post for proof of my foolish, wandering heart.) So, it is affirming to write what the Lord has done, how His mercies, new every morning, are what really give me joy and life, and enable me to do what the Lord has called me to do, which includes being joyfully proud of the man He has called me to love, and so thankful for the path He has called me to walk.

I'm.....I really don't know. Many words come to mind, but not many of them are pleasant, so should I really be dwelling on them? Probably not. Maybe I should just stick to the facts, and leave how I'm feeling well out of it all. How about bullets? That way I don't have to think of cohesive paragraph structure! :)

• The Lord is really working on me in the area of balance. I tend to go too "gung ho" into things and then end up exhausted and failing, or I assume that only doing a little of something just isn't good enough so why do it at all? This is not healthy thinking and I am striving to change it, in many areas.
• My grandmother's 80th birthday is coming up. I so wish I could go to the party they have planned for her.
• Nathan clocked 85 hours this week. Of course, this doesn't count his 45 minute commute either side of that every day. Our interactions are very short, and I have a hard time even knowing what to say to him. Mostly I am trying just to let him talk for the few minutes awake he is home and be supportive.
• Technically we have 6 days of school left to fulfill the state's requirements. I am going to give George a break from English workbooks for awhile when he finishes the ones he is on, but we will keep doing math and other things through the summer.
• Right now we are reading Stories of the Pilgrims, The second Boxcar Children book, and George and I still have a few chapters left to Swiss Family Robinson. We gave that a break for a few weeks while reading some other things.
• On my own, I am reading some Maeve Binchy brain cake novels, and just finished a "midquel" to a series I read for the first time about 20 years ago. The author of this series seemed so bright and clever and absorbing when first I read him, but as I have gotten older he now seems pedantic and predictible. I am so familiar with his reading style I can read him faster than other books. For some reason, I feel compelled to read everything he writes, even thought half the time I am rolling my eyes at him.
• Someone knocked my mailbox clean off into the ditch yesterday. I had a really hard time not just kicking it the rest of the way to pieces when I saw it yesterday afternoon. It seemed like a good vent of my frustration, but I did hold it in. I'm just glad the person responsible for it wasn't there when I discovered it.
• I am really working on trying to more encouraging with the kids, especially George. If I am not REALLY paying attention to it, then I end up correcting him way more than I am praising his good behavior, which really, is most of the time. I need to really get my positive comments to outweigh the negative.
• I watched a John Wayne western last night in which John Wayne actually dies!!!! This is, of course, against the natural order of the universe, and just upset me more than it should have. Of course, I do realize that he is actually dead, (and I have it on a good source, in Heaven!) but I just prefer my mental image of the Duke riding safely into the sunset in a cloud of dust.
• And I was reminded again how freakishly similar John Wayne's voice is to that of Eeyore.
• I think every major muscle group in my body is sore right now, despite a long soak in my hot tub last night. I am happy this is so, for it means I am exercising regularly again. I am trying to include this in my quest for moderation, and not go so overboard that I burn myself out.
• I miss my mother. I wish she lived just around the corner and we could visit a few times a week. Just sit down and have a cup of coffee together.
• I am praying, looking, waiting, hoping and praying some more for a new job for Nathan. I'm glad the Lord has that all figured out.
• I have been looking and looking for some casual summer dresses. Of course, this is not in any way a need, just a rather fervent want that would be convenient and really nice. After months of searching at every thrift and consignment and even (gasp!) real store, I have concluded that perhaps they just do not exist. I sure have had no luck in finding any.
• I am thrilled to say that my oldest son is now a complete expert on making a half a pot of brewed coffee and putting just the right amount of sinful flavored creamer in and bringing it to me. That right there is worth 10,000 negative comments being never uttered. Truly, he is such a special boy. I am proud of him, and even more important, I think he is proud of himself. He's such a blessing, even if he didn't bring me coffee. :)
• In my quest to fit into my wedding dress by August 21st, I have quit eating after 8 pm. I think this is actually helping. At least I feel a bit better in the morning. And being on an exercise schedule forces me to be on a better eating schedule of healthy food- if you don't feed the machine, it won't run for you.
• I watched "Dan in Real Life" this week again. It's one of those movies that gets better the more you watch it. Not that there aren't a few bits of it that I don't fast forward through, but the movie's story is sweet in a sad way and I really like it.
• I have bought a few little things for Nate's birthday, but I couldn't find what I really wanted and am frustrated thinking that he won't even care about what I have gotten. I just feel so disconnected from him right now, it's hard to think of what the best thing for him would be. I have never actually given him a present that he really, truly loved, I don't think. Usually, he's either satisfied with its usefulness or questioning its cost. He is a hard man to buy for. He told me he wants a job listing. And oh, how I wish I could give him that.....
• I need a drink. Of water. Since Nate won't let me have vodka in the house.
• I am getting tired of everyone hinting and saying and maybe thinking and not saying that I need to get on the ball and potty train Claire. And I'm more tired of the fact that that even bothers me. While I seem pretty independant, that doesn't mean I am not internally affected by what I perceive to be others opinions of me and my actions. I can not commit to what it would take to potty train a completely uninterested child at this time. If I had no other children, this would be different. If I did not homeschool, this would be different. If I did not care if it turned into a battle of the wills power struggle, this would be different. If I were not utterly exhausted from being responsible for every thing that goes on in my home because my husband is home about 7 hours out of every 24, this would be different. But, I am where I am right now and it really doesn't bother me that my baby is still in diapers. I think it bothers me more that I know people think ill of me for that- and that is where *I* need to change. I am only accountable to the Lord for the raising of my children. I just wish I could remember that all the time.
• There are days I want to pack us all up and get in the car and just drive away. Many days.
• I am glad I am not pregnant, but these almost labor like cramps are really wearing me down right now.
• I know there are many women out there who would be terribly offended to hear me say I am glad I am not pregnant. I wish them all the babies the Lord wants them to have, and for them to understand that my desire not to have any more is not rooted in disregard or dislike for children, but in great regard and unfathomable love for the ones the Lord has already blessed me with.
• I know I said I would try to keep my feelings out of this, but this is my blog, after all, and I'll cry if I want to....or rather....get a massive headache from trying so hard not to cry.
• I feel unquenchably, unendingly lonely. Not that I crave the presence of other people. I am incredibly blessed to be able to spend my days with four of the best people I have ever known. I am just being made very aware right now of those places in my heart that no one has ever touched and I don't even know how to begin to let anyone into them, or if I want to. Of course, this is in great part due to Nathan's absence, but even in his presence there are so many times when the walls are left up, the invisible defenses impenetrable, and the real me behind the stone, wondering if I will die here.
• I know that sounds terribly bereft, and of course, begs the question "Is not God there with you?" which is what I strive to remind myself of everyday. I know in my head that He is, but knowing that in my heart takes more effort than I am up to some days.
• I will not end with that thought......
• I am going to watch "The Quiet Man" tonight while folding laundry. At least I know John Wayne isn't going to die in that one.
• I told the boys they could stay up "late" tonight if they napped this afternoon. I hear Ian kicking the wall on his bed right now, as I have for the last hour.
• My wonderful father in law has mowed my lawn for me 3 weeks in a row now. They are such a blessing to me. Last Saturday, they even took all the kids for a few hours in the evening so I could get some grocery shopping and housework done. It was SOOO nice to be able to do that.
• I bought lemons to go in my water. I love this.
• Okay, is that enough? I should really go get something productive done...Or maybe eat something, now that I am starting to feel a little funny.