Someone left a long comment on my blog the other day. They said that they thought I was living in "sacrificial martyrdom", and that I had doomed myself to a "life of penance." They said that God meant to prosper me outside of my roles as "mommy and wife." They wrote that I needed balance and that I deserved fulfillment and pleasure. The person who wrote this was obviously not interested in a civil dialogue, since they did not even have the decency to leave their name.
When I first read this, I was just too shocked to know how to respond. I was dumbfounded as to how anyone could infer from my posts that I was living a life of drudgery and "sacrificial martyrdom." Then I was afraid that somehow I had so misrepresented myself and my circumstances that I was giving a vastly distorted view of my life. But I do not think that is the case. The only thing I could conclude was that this person had a very different view on life than I did.
The commenter wrote that "God has never called you to sacrifice all that you have and all that you are for your husband and kids." Perhaps they have never known the adoring gaze of a child, the absolute pleasure and fulfillment that comes from honoring and loving the man you were made for. Maybe they don't understand how it feels to know that you are in the center of God's will when you are caring for and loving your family, and experience a level of joy and peace that never could be achieved in the pursuit of "pleasure and fulfillment" outside of the relationships and circumstances that God has graciously appointed to be foremost. My son Ian runs up to me about 20 times a day and says "C'ive a hug, Mama?" and then he giggles and squeezes his little arms around my neck and says "Kith, Mama?" and gives me sloppy kisses. I don't feel like this is a sacrifice in any way. To watch my little girl's eyes light up when she sees me, and know she knows her Mama is always there for her, moments like that don't feel like martyrdom. When George and I can sustain conversations throughout the day, and talk about angels, and sleeping, and Buzz Lightyear, and shell collections, and why Jesus put stars in the sky, and why we love each other, and what we're giving Grampy for Christmas, and a million other things that he only confides in me; I don't feel like I am missing out on anything. Quite on the contrary, I thank the Lord that I can be there for him so I don't have to miss out on any of that. Right before Nathan fell asleep the other night, he turned and looked at me with sleepy, adoring eyes and said "Goodnight, Sweetie. Thankyou for all you do, I love you." and then he wrapped his arms around me and fell asleep with a smile on his face. Am I sacrificing all that I have and all that I am? I don't think so. I thank God that I can give all that I have and all that I am to my family. The sacrifice would be if I had to be in another role, pursuing other things.
Those times when I do seek to get beyond the responsibilities that God has given, when I try to give myself to endeavors or situations or attitudes that are not Biblical, or that are just not what I know to be God's best for my life, those are the times when I am sacrificing. I am giving up time and affections and attentions to things that do not matter, that are not what I have been called to, and that will not yield me any real pleasure or satisfaction.
To whomever left the comment, I am sorry if you have gotten any kind of wrong impression, and I hope you see now that I live a life of glorious satisfaction. When I am true to what God has given me, and seeking to honor Him with the choices that I make, then no other thing could give me more joy and peace. I hope you know that joy and peace, too.
Please feel free to email me if you decide you would like to have a real conversation.
Saturday, December 10, 2005
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
I'm trying to find a Christmas present for Nathan. His mother and I were talking the other night and I told her I was having a hard time this year finding a present worthy of my darling person. Her advice was that we should just not bother to get gifts for one another. I love that woman dearly, but once in awhile, I believe she could use a good spanking. I told her that I didn't think I could bear to not give Nathan something for Christmas. Growing up, we never had much money, usually close to none at all, but it was always a big deal that we give gifts to one another. Not expensive things, not fancy things, but gifts, physical representations of how much we love one another, and especially at Christmastime, to represent God's gift of His Son to us. And really, to be honest, I still cherish a hope that one day I will give Nathan something, and just see in his eyes that it is just what his heart desired and it will make him so happy. I think the first Christmas we were married I came the closest to that. Maybe this year. :) He is a hard person to buy for, because he doesn't have many hobbies, he is extremely thrifty, and so he despises frivolous money use. He doesn't have time for much. And then of course there is the fact that I don't want to settle for just something he "needs" or that would be good for him. I want to make his eyes light up.
It's 2 o'clock in the morning. Nathan made some 1/3 caffeinated coffee this evening, and I thought it would do me no harm, but 2 big mugfulls I suppose have rendered me squarely in the night owl camp tonight. I am still hobbling around on this ugly sprained ankle, although I can pretty much walk on it normally now without wincing. I was up and putting laundry away this evening and carrying children, and it was just fine. It gets to throbbing after awhile on it, and then I duct tape a bag of ice to it over my well worn ace bandage, but besides that, it is surely on the mend. It is extremely frustrating not to be able to get up and do what I need to be doing. Nathan was such a dear and stayed home from work on Monday to help. I suppose that I should chronicle that it was Sunday afternoon that I did that actual spraining. Actually, I don't think it's even really a sprain, probably more of a strain. It's swelled up so you can't even make out my ankle now and turning a pretty shade of purpley blue, but it feels much better now that when it was barely swelled and only a little yellowed. Anyway, chalk one up to clumsiness I suppose.
I don't know if it just the Lord's providence or if anything has changed, but the growing stress and frustration that I had been feeling over my mothering and my children seem to have dissipated. It's like an evil veil has been lifted from my eyes and I can see clearly now their preciousness, their sweetness, their unique liveliness, and the incredible blessing of my being their mother. Nothing on earth could hold a tighter grip on my heart than my family, and short of the intertwining of souls that I have with my Nathan, I hold nothing dearer than my little blessings. I don't know what it was exactly, but for a while there, it seemed as if a blight on my spirit were tainting my behaviour towards my children. I was not patient, I was not kind, I kept records of wrong, I was not loving them as I should, and it makes me ache to think of the words that I spoke, the actions that I took, and the attitude that I maintained. It was sinful. I know I can never get back that time that I wasted and I do not know how many precious minutes the Lord will grant for me to have an influence over George, Ian and Grace. Their lives are mine for the shaping, and God forgive me if I have marred their little forms. I think, no I know, that much of the time that I have spent online I should have been spending investing in my family. I love dearly the women that I have been blessed to come in contact with through the internet, but I must choose what is best, not just what may be good. My prayers will still cover them, and when I do truly have time, I will rejoice to look in on the home that I made online, but I must face the fact that I am much incapable of maintianing dual focuses, and I must be true to what God has called me to first of all. I have never been one to seriously make New Year's resolutions, but I think a renewed spirit of Biblical parenting is always in order, and I feel like a fresh start is being offered to me in this respect. I cannot change the past, I cannot take back harsh words, rough touches, and lost chances to love as I should have. The devil would have me dwell on my shortcomings, and lose sight of what the Lord edges me and the Holy Spirit whispers encouragement towards: the path of righteousness. I have before me the supreme opportunity. You know you hear people ask What would you do if you had a million dollars? Well, potentially, I have a much more costly and relevant possession. I have a million minutes. Lord willing, I have the future, I have my children's future, my marriage's future, my family's future, and how I spend that matters so much more than any amount of dollars and cents. Being a good steward of my time, of my thoughts, of my love, is of infinitely more value than my being a good steward of anything else. And those things have been spoken for. They do not belong to me. They are my Lord's, they are my husband's, and they are my children, in that order. I pray that the Lord would continue to encourage my shaky efforts at this most worthy of endeavors.
It's 2 o'clock in the morning. Nathan made some 1/3 caffeinated coffee this evening, and I thought it would do me no harm, but 2 big mugfulls I suppose have rendered me squarely in the night owl camp tonight. I am still hobbling around on this ugly sprained ankle, although I can pretty much walk on it normally now without wincing. I was up and putting laundry away this evening and carrying children, and it was just fine. It gets to throbbing after awhile on it, and then I duct tape a bag of ice to it over my well worn ace bandage, but besides that, it is surely on the mend. It is extremely frustrating not to be able to get up and do what I need to be doing. Nathan was such a dear and stayed home from work on Monday to help. I suppose that I should chronicle that it was Sunday afternoon that I did that actual spraining. Actually, I don't think it's even really a sprain, probably more of a strain. It's swelled up so you can't even make out my ankle now and turning a pretty shade of purpley blue, but it feels much better now that when it was barely swelled and only a little yellowed. Anyway, chalk one up to clumsiness I suppose.
I don't know if it just the Lord's providence or if anything has changed, but the growing stress and frustration that I had been feeling over my mothering and my children seem to have dissipated. It's like an evil veil has been lifted from my eyes and I can see clearly now their preciousness, their sweetness, their unique liveliness, and the incredible blessing of my being their mother. Nothing on earth could hold a tighter grip on my heart than my family, and short of the intertwining of souls that I have with my Nathan, I hold nothing dearer than my little blessings. I don't know what it was exactly, but for a while there, it seemed as if a blight on my spirit were tainting my behaviour towards my children. I was not patient, I was not kind, I kept records of wrong, I was not loving them as I should, and it makes me ache to think of the words that I spoke, the actions that I took, and the attitude that I maintained. It was sinful. I know I can never get back that time that I wasted and I do not know how many precious minutes the Lord will grant for me to have an influence over George, Ian and Grace. Their lives are mine for the shaping, and God forgive me if I have marred their little forms. I think, no I know, that much of the time that I have spent online I should have been spending investing in my family. I love dearly the women that I have been blessed to come in contact with through the internet, but I must choose what is best, not just what may be good. My prayers will still cover them, and when I do truly have time, I will rejoice to look in on the home that I made online, but I must face the fact that I am much incapable of maintianing dual focuses, and I must be true to what God has called me to first of all. I have never been one to seriously make New Year's resolutions, but I think a renewed spirit of Biblical parenting is always in order, and I feel like a fresh start is being offered to me in this respect. I cannot change the past, I cannot take back harsh words, rough touches, and lost chances to love as I should have. The devil would have me dwell on my shortcomings, and lose sight of what the Lord edges me and the Holy Spirit whispers encouragement towards: the path of righteousness. I have before me the supreme opportunity. You know you hear people ask What would you do if you had a million dollars? Well, potentially, I have a much more costly and relevant possession. I have a million minutes. Lord willing, I have the future, I have my children's future, my marriage's future, my family's future, and how I spend that matters so much more than any amount of dollars and cents. Being a good steward of my time, of my thoughts, of my love, is of infinitely more value than my being a good steward of anything else. And those things have been spoken for. They do not belong to me. They are my Lord's, they are my husband's, and they are my children, in that order. I pray that the Lord would continue to encourage my shaky efforts at this most worthy of endeavors.
Saturday, December 03, 2005
Oh my, it has been so incredibly long since I have blogged and blogged faithfully, and I fear that this will only be a short remission. We had thanksgiving, we had Christmas..(well the Buchan family Christmas anyway) and now I am getting ready for the real Christmas. We've all been very sick, back and forth, although I believe I may now confidently say that we are on the upside of it all.
Having been forced to take a break from being online made me wonder how I had time to be online so much before. I really can get so consumed by it all, checking in at w@h, and chatting and emailing and blogging and all, but really, should I be spending that kind of time "away" from my home and family? This is a question I don't really know the answer to, but I feel inclined towards answering "..mmm, not so much." I find it always a struggle to keep up with housework and childcare and teaching and loving on my dear children, should I really be taking time for myself? On the one hand, I believe the case could be made that I am learning, networking, praying more and being blessed by interacting with my friends online. But, the case could also be made for my being neglectful of my first charge: to care for my home and family. Perhaps striking a balance between the two is needed, or better yet, becoming proficient and efficient enough to be able to adequately accomplish both. My question is....how do all those other women do it?!?!?!? Please, if you are reading this. let me know.
My "blogerversary" came and went. It had been a year in November since I started blogging. I fully intended to go back and reread all I had written, and make some sage (haha) reflections on how much I have learned in the last year, but like so many of my goals, it fell by the wayside in favor of just getting through the day to day things. I know last year at this time I was very great with child and impatiently awaiting his (I really thought it was going to be a boy!) arrival. Which of course makes me reflect on the preciousness of my baby girl and what she means. The time directly before her conception was the rockiest bit of my marriage, and our relationship was poised on the edge of a knife. I could have left forever, it could have been over. Instead, the Lord brought healing, and hope and love and a baby. Grace was conceived (unintentionally on our parts!) on our recommitment to each other and to the Lord in our marriage. Isn't the Lord good? Every time I look at her, I feel a little twinge in the back of my heart, just to think of all she represents.
Now we are getting ready for a baby girl 1st birthday party, and a big brother 4th birthday party, and loving on poor summer-baby, middle child Ian all the time. Speaking of Ian, Nathan and I have started to become a bit concerned with his development. The vacancy in his sweet eyes that always shine so bright has not been replaced with the curious, learning mindset that maybe it should be, and if I were to be honest, I would have to say that it is starting to make me wonder if perhaps the Lord didn't make him a bit slow. I don't know anything for sure yet, and perhaps this is all just foolishness, (which I hope), but several things have seemed to start adding up to make us think perhaps he will be slightly special, or at least a bit delayed. My main concern is that we are trying to hold him accountable for things that he doesn't really have the capacity to do, and I don't want to be needlessly correcting him. We are praying about whether or not we should try to have him tested in some way, or just wait and see.
I have a few Christmas presents still to buy, for my dad and my grandfather, and I need to finish up several projects for people for presents. I still don't have much for Nathan for Christmas. I really would love to get him an ipod, but they are so expensive!!! I have George done, birthday and Christmas, and something for Grace's birthday, but nothing for Ian or Grace for Christmas yet.
Well, Esther and Jer are coming over for pizza, hot tub, and Cranium tonight, so I should get a little housework done while I can. I really will try to be better about blogging while I can, before we make the long trek north for Christmas. I am so excited to be in Maine for Christmas. The drive, I could do without, but that's okay.
Having been forced to take a break from being online made me wonder how I had time to be online so much before. I really can get so consumed by it all, checking in at w@h, and chatting and emailing and blogging and all, but really, should I be spending that kind of time "away" from my home and family? This is a question I don't really know the answer to, but I feel inclined towards answering "..mmm, not so much." I find it always a struggle to keep up with housework and childcare and teaching and loving on my dear children, should I really be taking time for myself? On the one hand, I believe the case could be made that I am learning, networking, praying more and being blessed by interacting with my friends online. But, the case could also be made for my being neglectful of my first charge: to care for my home and family. Perhaps striking a balance between the two is needed, or better yet, becoming proficient and efficient enough to be able to adequately accomplish both. My question is....how do all those other women do it?!?!?!? Please, if you are reading this. let me know.
My "blogerversary" came and went. It had been a year in November since I started blogging. I fully intended to go back and reread all I had written, and make some sage (haha) reflections on how much I have learned in the last year, but like so many of my goals, it fell by the wayside in favor of just getting through the day to day things. I know last year at this time I was very great with child and impatiently awaiting his (I really thought it was going to be a boy!) arrival. Which of course makes me reflect on the preciousness of my baby girl and what she means. The time directly before her conception was the rockiest bit of my marriage, and our relationship was poised on the edge of a knife. I could have left forever, it could have been over. Instead, the Lord brought healing, and hope and love and a baby. Grace was conceived (unintentionally on our parts!) on our recommitment to each other and to the Lord in our marriage. Isn't the Lord good? Every time I look at her, I feel a little twinge in the back of my heart, just to think of all she represents.
Now we are getting ready for a baby girl 1st birthday party, and a big brother 4th birthday party, and loving on poor summer-baby, middle child Ian all the time. Speaking of Ian, Nathan and I have started to become a bit concerned with his development. The vacancy in his sweet eyes that always shine so bright has not been replaced with the curious, learning mindset that maybe it should be, and if I were to be honest, I would have to say that it is starting to make me wonder if perhaps the Lord didn't make him a bit slow. I don't know anything for sure yet, and perhaps this is all just foolishness, (which I hope), but several things have seemed to start adding up to make us think perhaps he will be slightly special, or at least a bit delayed. My main concern is that we are trying to hold him accountable for things that he doesn't really have the capacity to do, and I don't want to be needlessly correcting him. We are praying about whether or not we should try to have him tested in some way, or just wait and see.
I have a few Christmas presents still to buy, for my dad and my grandfather, and I need to finish up several projects for people for presents. I still don't have much for Nathan for Christmas. I really would love to get him an ipod, but they are so expensive!!! I have George done, birthday and Christmas, and something for Grace's birthday, but nothing for Ian or Grace for Christmas yet.
Well, Esther and Jer are coming over for pizza, hot tub, and Cranium tonight, so I should get a little housework done while I can. I really will try to be better about blogging while I can, before we make the long trek north for Christmas. I am so excited to be in Maine for Christmas. The drive, I could do without, but that's okay.
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