I'm trying to find a Christmas present for Nathan. His mother and I were talking the other night and I told her I was having a hard time this year finding a present worthy of my darling person. Her advice was that we should just not bother to get gifts for one another. I love that woman dearly, but once in awhile, I believe she could use a good spanking. I told her that I didn't think I could bear to not give Nathan something for Christmas. Growing up, we never had much money, usually close to none at all, but it was always a big deal that we give gifts to one another. Not expensive things, not fancy things, but gifts, physical representations of how much we love one another, and especially at Christmastime, to represent God's gift of His Son to us. And really, to be honest, I still cherish a hope that one day I will give Nathan something, and just see in his eyes that it is just what his heart desired and it will make him so happy. I think the first Christmas we were married I came the closest to that. Maybe this year. :) He is a hard person to buy for, because he doesn't have many hobbies, he is extremely thrifty, and so he despises frivolous money use. He doesn't have time for much. And then of course there is the fact that I don't want to settle for just something he "needs" or that would be good for him. I want to make his eyes light up.

It's 2 o'clock in the morning. Nathan made some 1/3 caffeinated coffee this evening, and I thought it would do me no harm, but 2 big mugfulls I suppose have rendered me squarely in the night owl camp tonight. I am still hobbling around on this ugly sprained ankle, although I can pretty much walk on it normally now without wincing. I was up and putting laundry away this evening and carrying children, and it was just fine. It gets to throbbing after awhile on it, and then I duct tape a bag of ice to it over my well worn ace bandage, but besides that, it is surely on the mend. It is extremely frustrating not to be able to get up and do what I need to be doing. Nathan was such a dear and stayed home from work on Monday to help. I suppose that I should chronicle that it was Sunday afternoon that I did that actual spraining. Actually, I don't think it's even really a sprain, probably more of a strain. It's swelled up so you can't even make out my ankle now and turning a pretty shade of purpley blue, but it feels much better now that when it was barely swelled and only a little yellowed. Anyway, chalk one up to clumsiness I suppose.

I don't know if it just the Lord's providence or if anything has changed, but the growing stress and frustration that I had been feeling over my mothering and my children seem to have dissipated. It's like an evil veil has been lifted from my eyes and I can see clearly now their preciousness, their sweetness, their unique liveliness, and the incredible blessing of my being their mother. Nothing on earth could hold a tighter grip on my heart than my family, and short of the intertwining of souls that I have with my Nathan, I hold nothing dearer than my little blessings. I don't know what it was exactly, but for a while there, it seemed as if a blight on my spirit were tainting my behaviour towards my children. I was not patient, I was not kind, I kept records of wrong, I was not loving them as I should, and it makes me ache to think of the words that I spoke, the actions that I took, and the attitude that I maintained. It was sinful. I know I can never get back that time that I wasted and I do not know how many precious minutes the Lord will grant for me to have an influence over George, Ian and Grace. Their lives are mine for the shaping, and God forgive me if I have marred their little forms. I think, no I know, that much of the time that I have spent online I should have been spending investing in my family. I love dearly the women that I have been blessed to come in contact with through the internet, but I must choose what is best, not just what may be good. My prayers will still cover them, and when I do truly have time, I will rejoice to look in on the home that I made online, but I must face the fact that I am much incapable of maintianing dual focuses, and I must be true to what God has called me to first of all. I have never been one to seriously make New Year's resolutions, but I think a renewed spirit of Biblical parenting is always in order, and I feel like a fresh start is being offered to me in this respect. I cannot change the past, I cannot take back harsh words, rough touches, and lost chances to love as I should have. The devil would have me dwell on my shortcomings, and lose sight of what the Lord edges me and the Holy Spirit whispers encouragement towards: the path of righteousness. I have before me the supreme opportunity. You know you hear people ask What would you do if you had a million dollars? Well, potentially, I have a much more costly and relevant possession. I have a million minutes. Lord willing, I have the future, I have my children's future, my marriage's future, my family's future, and how I spend that matters so much more than any amount of dollars and cents. Being a good steward of my time, of my thoughts, of my love, is of infinitely more value than my being a good steward of anything else. And those things have been spoken for. They do not belong to me. They are my Lord's, they are my husband's, and they are my children, in that order. I pray that the Lord would continue to encourage my shaky efforts at this most worthy of endeavors.