Okay, to those of you who read my blog to catch up with what is going on with me and see how my kids are doing and all of that...(all three or four of you, heh) I am giving you permission to take the day off. I am just in need of getting some thoughts straight in my head, and this is the easiest medium I have to accomplish that in. I am not looking for comment or help, I am just needing the help I can attain through seeing my thoughts written down, and I feel it worth recording, for my own benefit in the future.

Nate and I had a long talk last night, and I feel we even made a bit of a breakthrough in our communication in that I finally accomplished my goal of getting him to "fight" with me, as opposed to his regular reaction when we "talk" which is to shrug his shoulders and mumble. We talked about a lot of different things, but the crux of it was that I really needed him to understand that his comments and implications and disappointments in me (which seem to have intensified as of late) were not entirely justified. I mean, the premise of him being upset with me was that he just thinks I could do better if I really tried, (at keeping the house clean, cooking gourmet meals, being thrifty with money, etc.) and while there are DEFINITELY times when I could do better, and need to do better at all of those things, and a myriad of other things, MOST of the time, I really am trying my best and doing the best I can in the circumstances I am in. I was not trying to justify mediocrity, or to give him a diatribe on "oh poor me, my life is so hard, blah, blah, blah" at all. My life is not hard, but it is complicated. And I just wished him to believe that I really do put forth quite an effort to do the best at what I have to do. The biggest point of contention we have in this arena is in the area of spending money. It seems that no matter how hard I try, no matter how long I spend searching Goodwill for second hand clothes for our family, no matter how much time I spend shopping deals, planning, hauling my four children to four or five different places because I can get the best deals on different things at different stores...he still finds fault, he still makes comments implying that I am frivolous, wasting money, not measuring up. I tried last night to help him to understand that I am doing the best I can. I don't really know if he believed me or not. That part of the discussin ended with him agreeing to sit down with me and for us to do a budget together, like I have been wishing to do for months. I think what hurts me in all of these areas is that I continually feel like I do not measure up, like he has this standard in his mind of what I should be like, and I never attain it, and he is continually reminding me of that. And what hurts is that he just assumes I am not even trying to attain it. I did get him to acknowledge that it would be fruitless and only cruel to continue to demean someone for putting forth their best effort. My contention is that most of the time, I AM putting forth my best effort, and my struggle is to get him to believe that, because he does not. I think in his mind, there is no basis of respect for me or of even acknowledging that I am competent enough to be given the benefit of the doubt that I would be doing the best I could be. And I don't know how to change this in his mind. I feel that I do, most of the time, give my best effort, but if that is not good enough, how can I try harder? I told him that while his opinion of me is the one on earth that matters the most, I still have to operate within the parameters of doing what I feel is right before the Lord for our family. I could keep a bit of a better home, I could have things neater and straighter more often, IF I set my children in front of tv for 6 hours a day, left the baby to cry in her crib, sent kids to kindergarten or preschool instead of homeschooling, but I don't feel those things are within the parameters of what the Lord wishes me to do. My first priority is not a spotless home. (Even if it were, I don't think it would be possible to attain that with the kids at the ages that I have right now anyway.) My first priority is the physical, spiritual and emotional health of my children. I don't feel that is negotiable, and I don't even feel that that is something Nate wants me to change, since he has been very encouraging in that area, and praised me before for my commitment to raising our children right. Sometimes, however, keeping true to that commitment means other areas don't receive the attention that he feels I should give them. It is a wonderful day when I can feed my kids healthy food all day long, keep them clean and cared for and played with and taught and keep up with the housework so that all is calm and clean and quiet when my husband comes home from work to a well planned and wonderful dinner. I love those days, but in reality, those days are few and far between. Most days I can keep things mostly picked up, and he comes home to neat (but not spotless) surroundings, a semi thrown together dinner (that is still healthy and good tasting) and five people who love him more than anyone else on earth, and are so very excited to see him, and I can't help but wonder, why can't that be good enough? I tried to make him understand, too, that I feel this is a season in our lives, and that it probably won't stay at this level of chaos forever. As the children get older and more independant, I can accomplish more, they can be accountable for more, and routines of doing things will get more polished and run more smoothly. But at the place we are at now, yes, it will be chaotic sometimes, it will be messy sometimes, it will not be what I would wish for as far as a perfect environment. In picking his brain last night, trying to get him to spell out for me exactly what he wanted, how different things make him feel and all that, he did say that he didn't know if it was right or not, but that when the house is a mess, he thinks less of me. When I don't get right up in the morning, he thinks less of me. No matter if the kids have been sick for a week, I have had a fever, had 20 errands to run, been up all night with teething children and crying toddlers, the circumstances do not enter into his immediate gut reaction of when he sees the house in disarray, sees me slow to get up, whatever it is, he thinks less of me. I don't know how to change this in his mind either, and it would be nice if I could just get it to not bother me as much. I told him last night that it is only because I love him so much that his opinion of me matters so much to me. It would just make my life so much easier if I didn't care what he thought of me, and I have tried to school my mind so that I do not, but to not much avail. I admit that it is a weakness of mine, and something I need to work on, to focus more on what the Lord thinks of me than on what anyone else thinks of me, even my husband. I have said before that I am glad my earthly relationships are not perfect because then I would feel less need of leaning on my Saviour, and maybe this is just something the Lord is using to turn my heart back towards His love and acceptance. I need to pray that I seek that more often instead of seeking the acceptance and approval of Nate, or of anyone here on earth. At one point he said that he feels like my reaction to his criticism is just to throw up my hands and quit, (instead of motivating me to do much better, as is his goal) and that that is what he hates most in himself, when he quits at something. When he feels like I have given up, he says it just makes him think I am a loser. ***Let me just say that I hate that I am affected by my past, but the truth is, that sometimes it is hard to escape the judgements of others once they have taken hold in your mind.** When he said this, it just made me think of when I was in high school, smoking, drinking, skipping class, sloughing off, and a teacher told a friend of mine (in trying to dissuade her from following that path) that I and our circle of friends were just losers who would never amount to anything in life. At that time, I was a loser, but now, I am living for the Lord, I am doing what is right, I am not sloughing off, and while it hurt my feelings when I heard that in high school when it was totally deserved, it hurts a whole lot more now to hear that from the person I have devoted my life to, whose children I have devoted my life to. And again, I don't know how to change in his mind the perception that I have given up, that I don't fight every day to keep up with all I should do and all he wants me to do. I did feel a small measure of success in that he was glad to hear from me that I did think I would get better at things as time went on. He said that reassured him that I didn't feel defeated and that I could attain better in the future. I am looking forward to doing the budget with him and hoping that will help me to do better, and maybe even help him to see better that I am doing a pretty good job now. After all of that last night, I don't feel we are in contention any longer. In a way, I feel more heavy in spirit than I did before, but in a strange way, a peace as well. I do feel a relief at having spelled out to him to the best of my ability many things that I have been ruminating on for awhile, and understanding better what goes on in his mind, and I am glad to actually have provoked a real, animated response from him. He said it made him feel better as well, and hopefully that will just further the chances of our communicating better in the future.