Burn baby, burn

I don't have any special reason for posting this picture, other than I just think my girls are so beautiful!! And red is my favorite color, so seeing my little blue eyed beauties in red just looks so adorable to me. Okay, I'm done gushing.

I got so much done Saturday, despite my rather inauspicious beginnings, and Nate didn't get home until late so I had time to get the whole lawn mowed and all inside done what I intended to do. I was.....(trying to think of the phrase my friend with the super charming southern belle voice used)...done slap wore' out because of it, though. I have to say I am enjoying getting back in touch with muscles that I have been ignoring for years now. Pushing that cantankerous mower around for 2 hours on Saturday was a better workout than I'd had in years, it was awesome. I was rereading my last few posts and can't believe I didn't record the momentous occasion of our acquiring my new best friend...Mr. Treadmill!! It was such an answer to prayer, just what I wanted, for just what I wanted to pay. And I love it. It's a Nordictrack, with a 20" running deck and power incline. And the best feature it has is a little plastic shelf to put my book on! So I get on my running shoes and my glasses and read and walk and run and fun fun fun!! And it has been totally motivating to feel physically "worked out" again, rather than just exhausted from lack of sleep or sore muscled because of carrying too much baby. So I have been trying to do leg lifts and crunches, and of course, get plenty of "sexercise" as well. Quit blushing, you know it burns calories (if you do it right ;). I have been doing better eating healthy, too, cutting out sugar and all. So, after all of this, wouldn't you think I would have lost some weight?? I mean, it's been a month since I have been exercising regularly and eating well. (I know, a month is not a lot of time) And I have gained weight. 2 lbs. I'm not sure how this has happened, but I can tell you, it is really discouraging. And it's not as if I were so low to begin with that any addition of muscle would bulk me up. Oh no. I am 20 lbs over my pre-George pregnancy weight and 11 lbs over my pre-Claire pregnancy weight. And 18 lbs over what I "should" weigh. But, I think my clothes are fitting a little better. If I haven't lost inches, I am at least more aware of my muscles now to hold them in, and be trying to keep my core strong and as tight as a tummy that's been stretched to it's max 4x can get. I still have a healthy layer of "subcutaneous fat" over that core, but at least I feel better now, right? Even if I don't look any better yet. If my goal were weight loss, I'd probabably not be wanting to keep on, but (I have to keep reminding myself) my goal is to get better in touch with my muscles, get in better shape and just be able to keep up with my kids better. If I end up being able to fit into my smaller clothes along the way, that's just icing on the cake (or, like low-fat dip on the cucumber..yeah).

I should be cleaning my toilet...

I should. I have made Saturdays my super busy deep cleaning day for awhile now and today I am just out of sorts and tired and praying that the Lord would bring order to my disordered mind so I could finish a sentence in my head. I am in my pajamas. Sitting in a room whose floor needs to be mopped, adjoining other rooms whose floors need to be mopped. But the balancing act of guilt, compulsion, remembrance and lists is not coming together for me today. There are times I feel paralyzed into doing nothing because I can not figure out through the swirling storm of words in my mind, what is the most important thing for me to do RIGHT NOW. I start something, then go into another room, start something else..yada yada...you know the drill. I know I'm not the only one who does this mad caper. Some days it is worse than others though. So, of course, I decide to throw logic, of all things, out the window, and do NOTHING. Yeah, that makes sense. Of course, if there were a list of things eligible for window flinging, you'd think I would look to laziness, proctrastination, scatterbrainedness (of course it's a word!), guilt, feelings of incapability, etc. before I threw logic out. Spock, after all, is one of my heroes. But here I sit. And yes, I will get a lot done today. Eventually. But instead of starting early, being organized and methodical and well planned, I will accomplish my tasks for the day most probably through a mixture of an overdose of caffeine, pure, swift elbow grease, disorganized flying by the seat of my pants, and hurridly doing in a few hours what I could have done slowly over several more. And the result will be the same. My toilets will get cleaned, my floors will get mopped, my dishes will get done, my laundry will get put away. But at the end, I will probably be more frazzled, more fatigued and more on edge. And here's a thought: As time goes by, I am more and more convinced that God has so much more to do with the tiny little "inconsequential" nuances of my daily routine. And there are days when I forget this, or choose to ignore it, but that does not change the fact, that He is here, in my messy house, in my messy mind, and really and truly in control of it all, whether I acknowledge or willingly give over that control or not. Not to say that I have no choice or freedom of action. I know it is NOT God's fault if I choose to be lazy, selfish, disorganized, and the like. But I have come to see that there are times when circumstances are orchestrated that are outside of my control, (or not) and instead of trying to figure out how they got that way, and why I am in such a state because of it, what I need to do is thank God for being with me where I am and making the best of what I can with what I have while I am here (I've been reading Dickens, forgive the run-on sentences). I could spend the remainder of my squandered time questioning why I do this, why I can't seem to get motivated sometimes except by threat of time running out, why danger of failing at the last minute energizes me so, and then feel guilty that I am having these thoughts at all and let them paralyze me further, or I can decide to tear my eyes away from the destructive self examination and fix my eyes firmly on THIS moment. On what I have to do NOW, now that the time has slipped by, now that I am faced with the shame of my bad stewardship and the possibility of not accomplishing what I know to be important goals. So, at the end of my rant, here is my advice to myself: Get in the moment, quit analyzing why you are there, and just do what needs to be done. In other words, just for a little while...act like a man....while retaining the amazing multitasking powers of the woman God created you to be. Okay, I'm going to clean my toilet now. :)