I should be cleaning my toilet...

I should. I have made Saturdays my super busy deep cleaning day for awhile now and today I am just out of sorts and tired and praying that the Lord would bring order to my disordered mind so I could finish a sentence in my head. I am in my pajamas. Sitting in a room whose floor needs to be mopped, adjoining other rooms whose floors need to be mopped. But the balancing act of guilt, compulsion, remembrance and lists is not coming together for me today. There are times I feel paralyzed into doing nothing because I can not figure out through the swirling storm of words in my mind, what is the most important thing for me to do RIGHT NOW. I start something, then go into another room, start something else..yada yada...you know the drill. I know I'm not the only one who does this mad caper. Some days it is worse than others though. So, of course, I decide to throw logic, of all things, out the window, and do NOTHING. Yeah, that makes sense. Of course, if there were a list of things eligible for window flinging, you'd think I would look to laziness, proctrastination, scatterbrainedness (of course it's a word!), guilt, feelings of incapability, etc. before I threw logic out. Spock, after all, is one of my heroes. But here I sit. And yes, I will get a lot done today. Eventually. But instead of starting early, being organized and methodical and well planned, I will accomplish my tasks for the day most probably through a mixture of an overdose of caffeine, pure, swift elbow grease, disorganized flying by the seat of my pants, and hurridly doing in a few hours what I could have done slowly over several more. And the result will be the same. My toilets will get cleaned, my floors will get mopped, my dishes will get done, my laundry will get put away. But at the end, I will probably be more frazzled, more fatigued and more on edge. And here's a thought: As time goes by, I am more and more convinced that God has so much more to do with the tiny little "inconsequential" nuances of my daily routine. And there are days when I forget this, or choose to ignore it, but that does not change the fact, that He is here, in my messy house, in my messy mind, and really and truly in control of it all, whether I acknowledge or willingly give over that control or not. Not to say that I have no choice or freedom of action. I know it is NOT God's fault if I choose to be lazy, selfish, disorganized, and the like. But I have come to see that there are times when circumstances are orchestrated that are outside of my control, (or not) and instead of trying to figure out how they got that way, and why I am in such a state because of it, what I need to do is thank God for being with me where I am and making the best of what I can with what I have while I am here (I've been reading Dickens, forgive the run-on sentences). I could spend the remainder of my squandered time questioning why I do this, why I can't seem to get motivated sometimes except by threat of time running out, why danger of failing at the last minute energizes me so, and then feel guilty that I am having these thoughts at all and let them paralyze me further, or I can decide to tear my eyes away from the destructive self examination and fix my eyes firmly on THIS moment. On what I have to do NOW, now that the time has slipped by, now that I am faced with the shame of my bad stewardship and the possibility of not accomplishing what I know to be important goals. So, at the end of my rant, here is my advice to myself: Get in the moment, quit analyzing why you are there, and just do what needs to be done. In other words, just for a little while...act like a man....while retaining the amazing multitasking powers of the woman God created you to be. Okay, I'm going to clean my toilet now. :)