11 pm

So we got through VBS, Ian's birthday party, boys camping trip, late night baseball game and all, and I am tired. VBS went pretty well, I loved the three 11 year old girls on my team. Ian had kind of a hard time some days and ended up spending some of the time with me, but for the most part he did pretty well. I think he would have been fine if he had been with a teacher who understood him better and realized that although he looks almost exactly like his very mature older brother, he is much more on the same level with his little sister who is in the nursery. I try very hard not to compare my children and I hate it when other people do, especially since George and Ian are so very different developementally. But, as I said, for the most part, he had a good time and not too many tears.

Ian's Superhero party was a lot of fun. We had a total of 13 kids here, counting the 2 babies, Claire and Ella, and I think 9 adults. Go check out my Flickr for pictures. Ian was so happy with all the kids being here and loved all the very many presents he got. Everyone was so generous and sweet. He was so excited to get his kitty and the kitty has been great. We named him Bandit for the "mask" on his face. Actually my clever friend, Lisa, came up with it and it fit perfectly, and went with our B themed pet names. Hopefully this kitty will be with us for longer than Bailey and Baxter were, and certainly longer than Buster, Brandy and Boscoe, although I think Boscoe still has a few good years left. Brandy was taken to the pound by Nate, then the day before she was to be put to sleep, I got a call from a friend of a friend of a friend who wanted to adopt her. So, I got her out yesterday, they came and picked her up last night, and hopefully that is the end of it. I even gave them money towards getting her spayed.

Just to get a bit beyond the day to day, I thought I would chronicle a bit of my journey lately. I have felt an overwhelming sense of mental floundering for months now, just a sort of disorganized fog over my thoughts and actions and plans and have been trying to clear it by making lists, trying to plan better, sticking to a schedule, etc, to no avail. I have also been floundering in my physical health, not making the effort to eat well myself, not remembering to take my vitamins, not paying attention to my own nutrition, stress, sleep levels. I would say that I have been in a fog emotionally, but more accurately, it is just that I have been in neutral, like a kind of sustained, push-it-away denial sort of mindset. All of these things I have, at different times, made an effort to correct, in and of themselves. Can you see the missing element here? Probably, and if so, you have done better in 30 seconds that I have done in 8 months. Finally today, the Lord allowed my fog to lift enough mentally to put it all together and realize the real root of my lack of concrete accomplishment and success in any area. It is because my spiritual life has slipped. I know this should SOOO be a no-brainer, and I don't know why I was insisting on compartmentalizing everything continually but finally the wool has been lifted from my eyes, and the incredibly simple truth is laid bare before me. I have been trying, feebly, to do what I need to, be what I need to, in my own strength. I have let slide that so important reliance on the One who knows me, the One who made me, and the only One who can enable me to actually succeed in all He gives me to do, and be. It has not been a wilful, rebellious, even conscious choice to neglect the sustaining Bread of Life. It has been more like a gradual forgetfulness, a slow enveloping of my mind in this fog of "things" until I have forgotten even what it was that I needed so badly. I have not been in a hard place, I have just been in an empty place, and I am so incredibly thankful that the Lord has opened my eyes to the great lack in me, before I got even further down this road of complaisant apathy. There has been no broken and contrite spirit, not even an acknowledging of the slow hardening of my heart. I am writing this for a reminder to myself, that what I have been trying to do myself isn't working. My children are not being cared for as they ought, my husband is not being loved as he should be, I have not been the friend, counselor, child, woman I should be, and I need to change now. Or rather, I need to start feeding the Holy Spirit inside of me so that He can change me. It is still only a tiny spark of hunger for righteousness, but I know it will grow, and so will I.