10 Strange Things about Me....

My sincerest apologies to Windy who tagged me for this like....(I don't know) awhile ago, and I haven't done it until tonight....so here goes....

1. As referenced slightly above, I have no internal chronometer. Like, you could put me in a room with no windows and no clocks and come back in 1o minutes and tell me you were gone three hours or vice versa and I would believe you. I really can't tell.

2. In spite of #1, for some God-is-giggling-about-it reason, I almost ALWAYS see 12:34 on the clock. I am not a habitual clock watcher at all, but for some reason, I almost always happen to glance at the clock when it is this...am and pm. I have tried to NOT see it, but I end up getting all anxious and can't stand it anymore and have to look and yup...there it is...12:34

3. My belly button has always looked like an arrow....pointing up. (Yes, it's a saggy arrow now)

4. I inadvertantly talk like whomever I am talking to. Dh can totally tell who I am talking to by how I am talking. I don't mean to do it, I just do it. Their tone of voice, their accent, their expressions, etc. I have no idea why.

5. I can't touch chalk. I don't know why either. It totally creeps me out, like makes my skin crawl.

6. Although I haven't drank really in over 10 years, I crave vodka almost ALL the time.

7. I am obsessed with Christmas. I love twinkling lights anytime. I listen to Christmas music all year round. Something inside me just sings continually when I even think about it.

8. I love tie dye, and classic rock. I am a thinly disguised hippie born in the wrong generation.

9. I HATE to hear myself sing. I enjoy singing only when I can't hear myself.

10. Okay, apparently, the scar weirdness is just too strange so I will change #10 to something else: The last strange thing about me: I sneeze twice every night before I go to sleep. Always.

1. All my kids are healthy and (usually) happy.
2. My husband is able to work, I know that is a blessing.
3. I have family who loves me and supports me, always.
4. I have food in my fridge and pantry and freezer.
5. We have enough clothes to wear, and then some.
6. We have a house big enough for all of us, and then some.
7. I got a new inhaler.
8. I can read my Bible anytime, without ever fearing for my life or safety because I am doing so.
9. I have such an incredible network of wise and wonderful friends, online and off.
10. I am able to do what I need to take care of my children and my home.

Wordless Wednesday

The Monkey Children

In the blogging world, I am so not even up to "ameteur" status.

There are people who faithfully blog their daily activities; there are people who blog to tell you about great deals and wonderful ideas; and there are other people who blog witty, intelligent, thought-provoking, convicting essays.

I am none of the above.

I blog because it helps clear my head, and it helps me to see my crazy disordered thoughts written down. Okay, you say, then why not just write them down in a journal or in a word document for yourself? And....well, I don't really know the answer to that, except that I think there is a part of me that enjoys being "part" of something...such as "the blogging world", and even though I don't blog for the benefit of anyone but myself, and usually no one else would even find my blog posts intelligible, let alone interesting, I always do treasure when someone leaves a comment saying they at least understood, if not appreciated or commiserated with me about something that I wrote. Words of affirmation are a strong love language with me. Words, period, mean a lot to me. I hold books as one of the most valuable of my possessions, with my old worn out Bible being most precious. I have cards from people that wrote me 2 lines that touched my heart....10 years ago or more. I have saved every word that Nathan has ever written to me. And I long to hear more of his words, always, no matter what the subject. On Mother's Day, Ian wrote me a "card". It was a piece of cardstock, crookedly cut out to a small rectangular shape, with this written on it, "U love (picture of a heart) I" I knew as soon as I saw it that it would be one of my most treasured possessions forever. I love words, and not only words of affirmation, but words of learning, of conviction, etc. So, I think perhaps it fulfills a longing in my soul to have my own words "immortalized" in a fashion, by having them published for all the world to see. Even though the quality of them is usually scrambled, if not fried (hmm, I'm thinking eggs for supper..where was I??) I like to have them here. And thanks to anyone who has ever liked them, too. :)

His mercies are new every morning...

.....Of course, and I knew this, and I know it now. I think sometimes I convince myself that there are pits too deep for God to climb into. As if MY sin is just too "bad" for the Father of forgiveness to take away. It is amazing-the presumption of pride. But the truth is, that Jesus became, has already become, (and taken care of) every shameful, evil, malevelant, disgusting sin there ever was. So, for me to cry out to Him in my sin is not ludicrous, it's what He has been waiting for me to figure out that I should do. I can't begin to convey the depth of my gratefulness for this fact.

I have nothing nice to say...so I should say nothing, right? I guess I am hoping that if I get all the not nice things off my chest and onto the computer they will not weigh so heavily. Or maybe I just want to gripe......

I am angry, just stressed and angry and feel at the end of my frayed rope and utterly alone in this struggle of parenting and living. I know IN MY HEAD that the Lord is with me, that His strength is made perfect in my great faltering weakness, that I can do all things through Him, but my heart is just turning a blind eye to all that written out so neatly and sweetly. It sometimes is hard to get those words past the screaming and the poop and the stress and the fighting and the defiance and the long lonely hours. I know I am stuck focusing on the negative, but I just can't seem to gather the willpower to change my perspective. Right now I just hate....I don't even know what....the fact that I am alone? The fact that my husband is in a job where he gives 110% of himself (which leaves next to nothing for his family) and is not appreciated for it, but demeaned by the one whose company he is fighting for?? the fact that there is poop in the bathtub and the laundry room right now that I am just too completely stressed out to clean up without totally losing it?? The fact that after all these years, at times like this I still crave cigarettes??? Yuck. Maybe it's the fact that there are times I can fool myself and possibly others into thinking I have things together somewhat and can actually cope well with what my life entails, and then I have a day like today on top of a day like yesterday and all of sudden I feel utterly exposed as the incompetent wretch that I am. How is is good for my children to have a mother like this? How is it good for my husband to have a wife like this? It's not. And yet here I sit, in my wretchedness. I am tired, oh so tired, physically and emotionally and mentally exhausted. And I am not reacting well, I am not acting well, I am not thinking well. Certainly nothing approaching godliness. I just want to leave, I just want to run, I just want to erase all of this for the shame of it being true. How can my outlook be so mercurial?? One day I feel on top of the world, as if I can feel the mighty hand of God leading and protecting me, and then sometimes it's as if I have leaped a chasm He just won't cross. I suppose that is the leap into sin, where God can have no part. It's not that my circumstances are so horrible, far from it. It's just that somedays I cannot summon the energy to react towards them as I know I should. And this has become one of those days.

Friday Felicities

• I made the absolute best tasting homemade vanilla ice cream this morning, and added some homemade strawberry jelly to half of it...yum
• Claire looks beyond adorable in little curly pigtails
• Only two more days til Nate has a day off
• A REALLY good paycheck for Nate's 76 hours last week
• Chatting with friends online, on the phone and in person
• Being invited to play games with friends tonight...I can't wait!!
• Getting a little progress on Mt. Laundrytobedone
• Boys who play outside HAPPILY for over an hour together
• My new Kodak scanner/copier/ PICTURE PRINTER!!!!!!
• Hugs from my kids......way more valuable than any money I could be paid for my work
• Emails from my cute, sweet and wonderful mother
• Finding friends
• Corny jokes a la Ian "Hey, Mama, Knock Knock!...(Who's there)....Hat...(hat who?)...Hat who is wearing on George when he goes outside to play!!!.......get it?????"
• Observations a la George "Mama, I noticed we don't have an antenna on our van. Racecars don't have antennas either, probably so they don't get distracted by the radio when they are supposed to be paying attention to driving."
• Demands a la Gracie "It's sixty-firty to wake up time, Mama, I stayed in my bed and my nundewaaaaaare is dwy, can I have some mint gum??"
• Declarations a la Clairey "No, NO!" (pointing at the table, which she's been corrected twice for climbing up on today)
• Remembering Nattie on Fridays especially....:)

Did I really say that?!?

It seems like strange things have been coming out of my mouth lately. They make perfect sense in the context in which they occur, but taken out, they do sound pretty weird. Here are some examples:

• "Stop using the force on your sister!"
• "We do not eat dinosaurs."
• "Please don't make jewelry out of your fruit."
• "It's not nice to pretend to flush Grandma."
• "Legos do not go in your underwear."
• "Get Spiderman off the cat."
• "No, I do not want to see your 'cool' stinky."
• "Yes, I'm sure Batman loves you."
• "We do not dance while we are peeing."
• "No, I don't think Jesus is hiding under your bed."
• "Monsters are allergic to freesia body spray."
• "No, Daddy does not just swim in pools all day."
• "No, wild rice does not turn you into a wild animal."

And then there are the things that I say on average 657 times per day. Man, if I only had a nickel for every time I said....

• "Shut, flush, and wash."
• "No whining!!!!!!!"
• "Use your words."
• "If you get it out, put it away."
• "Go potty now!"
• "Hands in your pockets in the store."
• "Figure it out."
• "Obey right away, the right way, with the right attitude."
• "Quietly, quietly."
• "Is that loving your neighbor?"
• "I love you"
• "No, we can't call Daddy right now."
• "No snacks right now."

And then there's the things I wish I said more often.....

• "Of course you may do the laundry for me."
• "No, Dear, I don't mind if you take the kids for the day."
• "Sure, I'd like another Starbucks."
• "Round trip tickets to see my parents?? Great!"
• "Oh, I dropped another size! How about that?"
• "Maid service for life? Okay, if that's what you think best, Dear."
• "No, I am not too young to have all these children."
• "Girl's night out? Okay!!"
• "You taught yourself to clean the bathroom top to bottom? What a good boy!"
• "I'd love to have some flowers, how sweet!"

And then there's the things that I continually have to remind myself of, that I tell myself over and over....

• "Thou will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee."
• "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
• "Remember your grandmother."
• "Only a few more days until Nate is home."
• "Give it to the Lord."
• "Action, not anger."
• "Let it go."
• "Be a blessing."
• "She opens her mouth in wisdom and on her tongue is the law of kindness."
• "His grace is sufficient for me."
• "His mercies are new every morning."

I guess that last list is the one I need to keep in mind. :)

1. Only two days until Nathan is home with us ALL DAY
2. I get to go to the church yard sale tommorow
3. It is sunny and warm and breezy out
4. I am sort of (crossing my fingers) caught up on laundry
5. Everyone took a nap today....PTL!!
6. Nate is wisdom tooth-less and has done great so far.
7. I had a great big Caesar salad for lunch, and it was wonderful
8. I need to make bread today.....but thanks to my Zo, it will take me all of 5 minutes to do, then 2 1/2 hours later, fresh homemade bread!!
9. Facebook.......I'm starting to love it.
10. I am so thankful for friends who inspire and encourage and sharpen me just by being themselves.