If only....

Wow. I haven't kept up with blog reading much in the last few months. One blog that I used to really enjoy was Molly's. Rather, I enjoyed the blogger, not the blog, as I loved her writing from several different blog venues. Tonight, Nathan fell asleep in front of the fire on the couch, so I got online and not having any pressing research or correspondance (or, let's be honest, facebooking) to do, I opened up my bookmarked stash of favorite blogs. After reading a few, I ran into Molly's again at www.adventuresinmercy.wordpress.com and read her few recent posts and then went delving into back posts of hers. Her writing is ALWAYS interesting, not because of its wit, although there is plenty, but because of her truth. She has come down many paths and explored them Biblically and shared her heart about them. I am almost always convicted, or encouraged, usually both, and without fail, I am directed back to the Lord. She makes you think.

Well, so I was reading on punishment vs. discipline in her "Parenting with gentleness" series. I do spank, let me say that upfront, although I try to have it be my last resort instead of my first. This particular article was on spanking and how the popular Christian culture has made it almost a requisite to Biblical parenting. Looking strictly at Scripture, though, without the constraints of our culture, experiences, and prejudices coloring our vision, it really is kind of hard to extrapolate that "He who spares the rod spoils his son" means that you should hit your child with a stick or whatever on their butt X number of times if you want them to turn out well. I had heard before the context being that of a shepherd, using his rod, or staff to guide the sheep (think Psalm 23) but this article took the thought even further. What if... we have been so caught up in trying to seem righteous to each other in our conservative little folds (thinking that this means we are righteous before God) that we have perpetuated a false teaching and have harmed our children in the process? Let me back up and say that I do not presume to speak for anyone else, but I know for myself there have been many times when I have spanked a child and not felt right about it in my heart, yet "comforted" myself with the thought that I was just doing what was Biblical. But what if I wasn't? What if that's NOT what God meant? What if a higher level of involvement with my child and getting to the heart of the issue would have forestalled any further acting out of the behavior I was correcting with the spank? Isn't that my goal in spanking? To keep them from repeating a behavior that is harmful or wrong? And if I can accomplish that with love and encouragement instead of harsh physical pain, shouldn't I? Yes. I mean, how does God parent us? Yes, we have to suffer the natural consequences of our choices, but do we suffer physical pain when we disobey or even the "adult" version of that - mental or emotional pain or physical deprivation some kind? *I don't want to get ahead of myself here, and I really am trying to just search this out for myself and find what exactly God IS saying, please don't think I am trying to purvey any truth, I am looking for it myself* What I do know is that the Bible clearly says that the wicked will sometimes, perhaps often, prosper, and the righteous will sometimes not even have a place to lay their heads. But I know the same camp (that I grew up in) that touts spanking often equates God's blessing with physical and emotional comfort. So if you are going through a hard time, financially, mentally, whatever, that *may* (and in their minds usually *must*) mean you have sinned and God is punishing you. Is this really Biblical? Nope, read Job.

So does that mean spanking is unBiblical?? I don't know yet. What I know right now is that my having subscribed to this veiwpoint and all of its trappings robbed me of closeness with my children that I might have had. My desire for my oldest child to be "well behaved" probably has contributed to his anxiety today. And I can never take back all of the times I corrected him, too harshly, thinking I was helping him, instead of getting on his level and trying to see through his eyes. I am sitting here in tears thinking of the times I felt pride in his good behaviour, and too severely censured him for deviating from that in any way, thinking it must be a reflection of my good parenting that he was doing so well, and then chastising him for acting like the child he so rarely was. Oh Lord, forgive me.

This and that..

Wow, holy whining, Batman!! Of course I am referring to my last post, over which I rolled my eyes and almost threw up out of sheer disgust at the pitiful self-centeredness and just plain Eeyore-ism, for crying out loud!!! For those of you who actually read my little blog, may I just offer an apology?? Not that that's the only or worst time I have been all "poor little me" on my blog, and sadly, it probably won't be the last time, but man, it's just.....blech to be confronted by my own patheticness. *Note to self: do not blog when feeling hormotional*

On an entirely different note, we went to Virginia, had a whirlwind time with my parents, brother, sister-in-law, niece and nephews. It was great, we did a lot together and everyone had a good time, I think. Now we are back and I am trying to get all my ducks in a row with school and getting ready for holidays and trying to get my health back on track. I have started a seperate blog for my health and diet stuff over at wordpress, if you want to check it out, it's at agapec.wordpress.com. I am trying some diet things to see if I can get my asthma and possibly my weight under control. My main thing is the asthma, as it is not under control, despite the $450 of medication I am on every month now. But, as I said, I'm not going to blab about it here, it's been relegated to wordpress.

The kids are doing great in school, Ian is doing better than I thought he would, and Grace's determination is putting her leaps and bounds ahead of where her ability alone might in a different child. Ian's comprehension of things is ahead of where I thought it would be, he is doing simple addition and his writing skills have already improved and I think they are even beyond what George's were when he was as the same place in learning as Ian. Of course, his memory is still an issue, but the more times we go over things, the quicker he gets it again the next day. George is doing well, although we are a bit stalled out on penmanship, he's getting so stressed out learning slant as an introduction to cursive, I am considering just going straight to cursive, but haven't decided yet. I love, love, love the Miquon math, and only wish I had gotten it sooner. My biggest glitch right now is that my copier/scanner/printer has kicked the bucket so I can no longer copy worksheets for the kids. I need to get that back working or replaced or something so we don't fall behind.

We have our court date for getting Claire's birth certificate this Thursday, it will be great to have that finally taken care of, and then we can file an amendment to our taxes and claim her. Then Friday is the men's retreat, so Nate will be gone Friday and Saturday, although he said last night he doesn't really feel like going. I'm not sure if he will or not, although truth be told, I wouldn't mind having a night all to myself, I might even rent some chick flicks, then probably sleep with Grace in her bed, she'd really like that.

Vacation

We are leaving tomorrow for our family vacation in VA. I am trying to be excited, although I have a TON to do between now and then, and it rained yesterday and my asthma gets exponentially worse with higher humidity so I didn't get much done. I have a full pot of coffee brewed now, though and my lists made and the suitcases out and only 2 more loads of laundry left to do. I think narrowing things down will be my biggest problem, and of course fitting everything in. We should be okay, though, since we are bringing (I think) less than we brought to Maine in August and had extra room then. It will be good to be with everyone, although crazy and hectic I am sure. We are tie-dying t-shirts on Monday, having an all day Star Wars Birthday Bash on Wednesday, kind of an all inclusive birthday celebration for all the cousins who don't get to be together on their birthdays. Friday we are going to Busch Gardens, and probably one of two days we will be in Colonial Williamsburg, and possibly the aquarium. And there's a big playground nearby, and indoor heated pools at the resort, and it will be a very fun time. :P I am just praying I feel better enough to keep up with it all. It will be nice to have Nate around for the whole week, although I don't think he's as looking forward to it as I am.

Nate and I have so much to talk about and I am starting to wonder if maybe someone more equipped should actually be facilitating the talking. I am wondering if counseling might be good for us. But, I don't think Nate would agree to it, even if it was free, which I know it will not be. And the money in our HSA account is going to be soon eaten up by the new meds I am taking, to the tune of $450 per month. I'm not sure what we'll do when the money runs out, hopefully I can be off one of the meds by then. I just keep reminding myself that God is in control and trying to find what He is trying to teach me in all of this. I keep thinking this must be a season, but who's to say this won't be where I am at all the rest of my life? I thought being pregnant and nursing for 7 years was hard, but now that I am all done that, all these old health problems are returning. So, is it a choice between the bone numbing exhaustion, sciatica, raw bloody nipples, restless leg syndrome and terrible aches of pregnancy and nursing, OR the endometriosis, chemical imbalances and asthma of not being pregnant? I know there are things with my diet that could be made better, but some days even remembering to eat anything is a struggle. I need to keep reminding myself that my outlook is greatly affected by my stress level and sleep account and probably right now is not the best time to be taking stock of my life. What do I need right now? I know....Micah 6:8 "But to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with my God." And I need to pack...so "Sayonara".

Pencil shavings and other blessings....

I used to be such a pen connoisseur. Pencils, too. I was super picky about the feel, the look, the material, and of course, the way they flowed across the page. Ticonderoga, being the gold standard in graphite writing utensil, just holding one in my hand, as yet unsharpened, was enough to give a tiny thrill to my young soul. The eager flow of ink, black and lustrous across a starched blank spiral bound canvas was a tiny phenomenon, repeated often, that gave a quiet fulfillment to a craving inside me. Not that plain ballpoint was such a disappointment, it just always seemed such a luxurious accommodation in the mundane litany of writing required of me, to have a pen in my hand that seemed to snuggle in comfortably, then in an attitude of noble servility bow to the page and turn my history of civ. notes into a transcendantly superfluous calligraphic endeavor. Bliss.

Finding joy, finding something that does indeed "thrill my soul" in the tiny little, most would say inconsequential, accoutrements of the thrifty life, has always been an unspoken goal of mine. I don't know if it is my humble upbringing or just a quirk of personality, but I have always been just a little uncomfortable surrounded by "extravagance", especially if it was for me. And all of my quilly expounding being in the past tense tells you that my life has passed on from finding little pockets of hidden fulfillment in the exceedingly simple, to now feeling as if my extravagances are crowding in on every side. It seems rather a betrayal the mindset of the hidden blessing to have so many blessings so flagrantly surrounding me.

For example, I am sitting in a room filled with books; children's books, board books, coloring books, school books, theology books, phone books, history books, dictionaries, science texts, atlases and novels. As I said- flagrantly surrounded. And on the subject on writing utensils, with a flick of my baby blues, I can see scads, myriads of colored pencils, crayons, markers, pens of every kind (mostly bearing the Brown's Pools logo), and also- the crowning achievement of my productivity today ~ a blue pencil case of freshly sharpened pencils. Which reminds me of another thing that used to make me smile irrationally. Pencil Shavings (see above). I have always loved the delicate, swirling tracery of wood and paint, curling down and around, uncovering the beautiful potential in a pencil. It seems such a shame to just throw away something so symmetrically formed.


Now "What...", I know you're thinking, "...do pens and pencils and books have to do with being flagrantly surrounded by blessings???" Well, it's what all of those things represent that overwhelm me with the truth of my cup being filled to overflowing. Being surrounded by books and markers and such means I am in a room, in a safe, spacious house, filled with happy, healthy, inquisitive children, and a husband whom God has provided with a job that pays for all the books and house and food to feed the children. Beside the room, attached to the house, is a garage in which sits a van with gas in the tank, and if you stand by the garage and look a little farther away you can see the house of family, which means my happy, inquisitive children can get out now and then, and they are growing up with their grandparents next door. All around me are the clear evidences of the abundance in my life.

So, I think sometimes I forget to look at the little things that use to give me joy because I have so many big things. Am I becoming inured to the little blessings? Am I becoming ungrateful? There are times when I am reminded of the little things that used to give me as much joy as the big things I have now- like looking at the pencil shavings, and I realize that most of the time I am no longer a person who even notices the little things. Is it growth, or degradation? I am inclined to think the later and this makes me wonder what I need to do to get back to an awareness of ALL the blessings in my life, big and small.