I do this thing, where I just subconsciously start to talk like whomever I am talking with. Nate laughs at me, he can guess who I'm talking to on the phone. I think everyone does this to a certain extent. I find myself mimicking the gestures and sitting/standing positions of whoever I am with. I repeat phrases they say in conversation, only when I am in conversation with them. And when I am by myself, I wonder sometimes what I would talk like if I were talking with *me*. I endeavor to make people comfortable, and I'm probably not alone in just wanting to "fit in." I always assume that if I were to act "like myself" (for lack of a better term) I would offend someone, or they would see the "real me" and not like what they see. I have a hard time making a purchase without a second opinion, I just don't trust my gut enough. I have always been this way. I think that if I allowed myself, I would be better at many things that I falter at now. I always hesitate to say I'm right because well, what if I'm not? Is it a fear of being wrong that prompts me to pretend I don't know?

I think everyone goes through the maturing process differently. Some people "know" themselves when they are only a child. Some people constantly reinvent themselves. Some people never change. I can look back and see the changes in my life, in my perspective, and in my understanding of what it means to live in the grace of God. This is a lesson I am still learning. Every once in a while, on this journey, though, the Lord reaches down and opens my eyes to a bright understanding of some facet of His love or grace.

A big part of this is in accepting myself. *Wow, it's hard just to write that* I think maybe my emulation of others stems more from the fact that I think if I try hard enough, I can just become like them, instead of being like me. I have never accepted the person that I am, never really wanted to be comfortable in who I am because, well, I don't like that person. I'm not talking about my sin nature, no one should like that, and it should be constant struggle to yield to the Spirit in conquering that. I'm talking about my likes and dislikes, the way I talk, the way I walk, the way I look, the way I sleep, the way I laugh, things like this. Things that make me who I am, the things that God did on purpose when He was making me. I think I just have never wanted to face up to the bald fact that I have always believed that God made a mistake when He made me.

Saying it like that opens up a world of true cliches that unfortunately most Christians have been desensitized to. God doesn't make mistakes; You are made in God's image; He formed you in your mother's womb, etc. Yes, I know all this is true. Well, more accurately, I believe I suffer from a shocking degree of self aggrandizement that believes this all to be true for everyone but me. *maybe that is the root of all the trouble, I think I'm exempt from it all for some reason* Anyway, I will be the first to tell a person how special they are, how beautiful they are, how wonderful, how their specific personality, looks, temperament, etc was designed by God, and being comfortable in that gives Him glory. Why can't I say this to myself? Why, every time I see a picture of myself in a group of people do I curl up in pain inside and hate what I see? I can see all the beauty on the other people's faces, the twinkles in their eyes, their beautiful personalities shining through, and when I can stand to look at myself in the picture, all I see is my foolishness, my ugliness, my stupidity.

Most of the time, I do not think about this, it never reaches the level of my conscious thought, I am used to avoiding looking in the mirror, used to pretending I am someone else in my mind so I don't have to confront all my shortcomings. But, sometimes, as I said, the Lord holds my head still, my eyes open and filling with tears as He confronts me with the truth. And the truth is, that in not accepting myself, I am calling God a liar. I am saying He isn't good enough, what He did isn't good enough, and He did something wrong. That's all there is to it. I could go into reason after earthly reason why I might be "suffering from low self-esteem" or that I am a victim of being teased and made fun of as a child and never recovered. Blah blah blah....who isn't? I don't think that my hurts run deeper than anyone else who has seen similar circumstances.

So now, being aware of this, well, being confronted with it with no chance to worm my way out with denial (as is my wont) where do I go from here? How do you change something in the very fiber of your being, even knowing full well that continuing in it is not an option any longer. How does that play out practically? For me to all of a sudden act as if I did *like* and accept the person I am, not focusing on my faults, but learning to appreciate my personality, my manner, my looks, my natural inclinations.....what would that look like? What would change? It makes me feel as if a crushing weight were on my chest to glimpse the possible freedom that could come from this very inward shift of thinking, but it makes me scared. It makes me think, as I have so many, many times before "What if I'm wrong?" what if I act as if I am a valuable, special, uniquely created by God on purpose to be the way I am~ person and then I find out that ......I'm really not?? Again this would suppose that God is wrong, and on this one thing I can depend....God is never wrong. For me to really, truly, experientialy believe this, though, means that I can not continue to live as I have been, if only in my own mind.

And what brought this on?? Music in my head. And thinking about music that I like, and thinking about friends I have who either wouldn't approve of or just plain wouldn't like the music that I like, so, I never mention it. And there are so many areas like this. Me, all by myself, might like a style of music, or movie, or schedule or something, but unless someone else says they like or approves of it first, I feel constrained to hide it, and just add it to the list of "things about me I don't like" because, well, no one else likes them so I naturally assume I must be wrong for liking them.

I have times in my life when I decide to ignore this feeling inside, and make an effort to "be myself" or to be comfortable with myself, to like myself. And then, after awhile, I feel guilty, and I feel stupid, and I feel sure that the Lord and everyone else is ashamed of me, if they spare me a thought. And the rest of the time, I work hard at keeping up the facade that I am a laid back person who doesn't struggle with things like this. Most of the time I do a pretty good job of fooling at least myself. ;P

I think women in general struggle with this more than men. Maybe it's the male ego, or what have you, or the fact that a woman can be reading a cookbook, planning a grocery list, doing laundry, correcting homework, plucking her eyebrows and still be thinking about how much she wished that her stomach didn't have quite so many stretch marks. I don't know. I don't think I'm the only one who struggles with this, and if I'm not, and if you read this, (my tongue is in my cheek here at the thought of the millions who read my never updated blog) how then do you proceed? How do you live out practically the belief that God made you the way He did on purpose and that accepting this gives Him glory??

Oscar Wilde said "Be yourself, everyone else is already taken." I've always loved that, and felt it to be one of those unattainable pieces of wisdom people aspire towards vainly. Maybe it isn't an empty thought, though.....