We go through cycles every year. Busy season, slow season, spring, summer, fall, winter. And every year my mind goes through patterns of thinking that I recognize, sometimes have to guard against, sometimes rejoice in. But, for some reason, this year has been different. I don't know if it is just that the busy season/slow season line has blurred almost to indistinction or if I am just struggling with some hormonal/depression type patterns of thinking creeping into my mind, or what. Usually at the beginning of the year, we've just had a lot of time with Nate, big Christmas vacation, he usually is able to take a day off every week, and be home for supper most of the time. This is a good time for me mentally. I'm used to having him home enough by then that I don't have any of the "letting him be in charge" angst anymore, and we've usually been able to talk and be together as a family a lot by then. Not too long after this, though, starts the beginning of "busy season." In the pool world, (that we live in), this starts as early as February and goes strong until about the end of August. Gearing up for this every year is a struggle, but in some ways, as I get more used to it and learn better ways to deal with it all, it has been a bit easier. The beginning of this year was much like other years. I dreaded all the time Nate would be gone, the lonely nights, the lack of communication, the sheer exhaustion-physically, but more mentally and emotionally- of parenting lots of little kids on my own. BUT, I knew that it was just for a season, that I had the opportunity before me, as I do every year, to try harder to be a blessing to my husband when he is home, to help him in any way that I can, and to be a good Mama to my children. This year was a bit more of a challenge, though, since in building the new store in Newnan (beginning last fall and ending in the early spring this year), his "slow season" wasn't actually very slow, so we didn't have as much time, communication, or memories stored up to last us the really busy part of the year as we usually do. This spring and summer seemed to be even busier for him, and I know the demands of his job are enormous. For him to do his job well, he has to work as much as he does. I know this, and I want him to do the work the Lord has called him to, to the best of his ability. We were able to have some more time together as a family than we usually do, with the unexpected trip up to MN, and the family vacation trip to MN. But, when he's been gone from us for so often, it's almost like the time we do have to spend together after that is spent half in getting used to having this "stranger" around, and to treating him like the husband and daddy he is. I hate that for him, and I hate that for us. Now, it's back to work as usual, and this "slow season" will be busier than last year even, since they are opening a new building replacing an older one of their stores.

And now for what I began writing to say...I feel my heart leaving him more now than ever before, and it scares me. I think I feel like instead of gearing up to "get through" the busy season when he is gone 16 hours a day and only sees the children on Sundays, on to the slower season when we do see him more, that now, there is no end in sight. I feel like what I work so hard every year to "endure" and to make the most of (mainly through reminding myself that it is only for a time and it is ending soon) now has become the norm, and there is no end in sight.

Sometimes, I feel like a strong woman, like I am resting in the strength of the Lord, leaning on His provision, trusting His chosen path for me, and able to get done what I need to in some semblance of order and balance. But, this is not how I usually feel, and it is not how I have felt in a long time. I find my mind wandering more and more often to thoughts of leaving, of changing our lifestyle, and of dwelling on how much I need, instead of making the most of how much I already have. I had a very vivid daydream at some point this summer, and it keeps haunting my thoughts. I imagined Nathan had died, and I was at his funeral. I had my children around me, and the owner of the company Nate works for came up to speak to me, offer his condolences, I suppose. I imagined what I would say to him, even imagined slapping him across the face, and telling him how much I hated and resented him because my husband, my children's father, gave him so much infinitely more of himself (Nate) than he (Nate) ever gave us. I know that is absurd, the whole daydream was absurd, but now I feel like it has latched onto my thinking and I can't get away from it. I know it is fraught with selfishness and sinfulness, in my head, I know this, but this mentality of discontent, of almost despairing, continues to grow in my heart.

To hear me talk, it sounds as if I thought that the end to all my problems would be if my husband were home more. I know that is not true. Maybe it's just a convenient thing I keep pinning my failures on- "well, I would do so much better if.." and I fill in the blank with an impossible situation- Nate being home more. Because I know that while he is at the job he is, (and I don't see him leaving, perhaps ever) it is impossible for him to be home more, and as time goes on, I know it could even get worse. Maybe I am just having a hard time with change, the change from our old routine of him being basically gone half the year, around more the other half, to him being basically gone for most of the year, and now I feel like it is only changing further, him gone more, and with us less.

I know it wouldn't be so hard to have him gone, if he weren't so great when he is here. He is an amazing father, an incredible husband, a wonderful man. He is plugged in, he is playing with the kids, he is helping me, and being with us, and at those times, I feel like the jagged pieces of my heart have healed, that all is as it should be, and my fears and failures seem to dim, I get more encouraged, more energized, more able to do what I need to, and to enjoy it. I know this is mostly because when he is not here, there are days when I feel the walls closing in, like I am here, caring for my children, keeping my home, but unable to do anything well, and like there is no one who cares or even sees to keep me on the right track. There are days when I am afraid for my children to be around me, when I know my best is awful and they are getting the brunt of it. I feel isolated, trapped in a situation whose outcome is of the utmost importance, but one that I do not possess the skills to get through victoriously, or even well. I just feel like I can't do this on my own, and the only one who could be doing it with me, or helping me, or even asking me and keeping up with how I am doing it, is unable to.

So is this just a phase, do I just need to snap out of it, buck up and get over myself? I don't think I have a choice anyway. My path is here, my responsiblities lie before my feet, and my actions need to be consistent, I know, even if my emotions and my mind are far from where they should be. And I know, again, in my head but not so much in my heart, that I need to just rely on the Lord more. I know there are many women, in situation so much worse than mine, that are just shining examples of how you live well, mother well, and make the most of all you have. Have I grown something in my thinking somewhere that has made my mindset so fundamentally wrong that I sabotage myself, no matter what my situation is? I don't know. I just know I feel tired, I feel bleak, and I don't see how to stop feeling this way, and it terrifies me the effect my dismal failure at motherhood will have on my precious children. Don't they deserve better than this, better than me? I know they do, and I just don't feel up to the fight to give them better.