Friday...

I suppose I should be doing Friday Felicities, but I just don't feel very...um, felicitous right now. I hate to succumb to the cliche, but I am faced with the fact that I am completely and utterly depressed about turning 30. I have been in various stages of denial (my favorite coping technique) about it for about 6 months, and kept thinking I would just start thinking it was not a big deal, but as the time has come closer it has been harder and harder to deny that I can feel it as a great weight upon my shoulders...the fact that I will no longer be in my 20's....tomorrow.

I have gotten several presents in the mail. Sweet birthday cards. All from dear precious people who (I don't know why) love me even when my idiotic psychosis demands that I reject the reason for their kind generosity. I don't want anything to remind me of it. My mil even offered!!!! to watch the kids tomorrow night so Nate could take me out, which usually I would leap at the chance for, but I just have no desire to go.

I really do realize that all this introspection and raging against things I cannot change is not only fruitless and a waste of time, but also terribly self centered. And I don't know if my extreme lack of sleep from our trip (and over the last 7 years) is propogating this mental drudgery, or if it has just snuck up on me or what. It's not as if I am terribly dissatisfied with where I am at in my life right now. My life is FULL of blessings. I have a wonderful husband, four beautiful and healthy children, a nice home, family and friends, great church, etc. I have nothing to complain about. And I have never, I thought, held 30 as a huge change in other people. Maybe my stress levels are just coinciding with my birthday and that is the hinge upon which my despondancy is swinging. Maybe I think I can no longer pretend to be young and fun and carefree anymore once I am that old. That I will have no more excuses for not acting "like a grown-up." Maybe I feel that I should have things more together by now, or that I should be farther along in my Christian walk. All I really know is that even the thought of turning that corner into the next decade just makes me want to cry. And if you know me, you know I hate to cry.