September??

I'm just sitting here finishing up my lunch of sauteed mushrooms, tomatoes and kale. I love how the tomatoes become all juicy and the flavors of the mushrooms deepen and mix in bubbly wonderfulness with the tomatoes. The kale is just a green, crunchy undertone added in the last 10 seconds. Wonderful!!! Okay, we knew I was weird, and it doesn't bother me a bit if everyone else thinks this is a peculiar combination. It tastes great to me. The kids had wraps filled with mayo, mustard, broccoli slaw and radish sprouts. They love those. I usually put spinach in, too, but used up all my spinach over the weekend. Since I just had a "spare" moment (meaning I'm blocking out of my mind the forty eleven things I should be doing right now) I thought I'd blog. To catch up on what's been going on, here are some helpful bullets.

• I put 5000 miles on my van in the last month, and enjoyed every minute of it.
  
• We went to NH, Maine and Minnesota, which sadly did nothing for my state of contentment with my present location.
• The boys and I climbed Borestone Mountain with my brother, nephew and his friend.
  
• We swam (swum?) and fished in Greenwood Pond.
• We had fun with cousins, grandparents, great grandparents, uncles, aunts and friends.
• We saw several deer, a family of wild turkeys, a fox, a rabbit, an otter, lots of squirrels and birds, including the loon family that lives on Greenwood Pond that we could hear calling to each other every day. Grace said they sounded like zebras.
  
• We wore sweatshirts and jackets and shivered.....and I greatly enjoyed it.
• We went to Storyland, kids amusement park with my brother and family, it was wonderful! I especially liked hearing George and Ian's conversation "Ian, wasn't the Polar Coaster fun?" "No, it's the PolAH coaster, George, I heard Uncle Dan call it that."
• We went to a mineral and rock mine with my parents. Before we left, my dad put on his tool belt full of rock tools and his backpack, and held his hand carved walking stick, while my mom said "Looks like you're all ready to go Kerplunking!"
  
• We went to a train station and listened for the whistle and roar that would portend the coming of my other half and cheered when the train appeared, then hugged the head of our family too tightly. :)
• We went to Queechee Gorge, which was beautiful and Sugarbush Farms, which was quaint and lovely.
• We went to Niagara Falls, which I found incredibly underwhelming and just don't really see the attraction. Perhaps if it weren't surrounded my ugly, grimy tourist traps in an ugly, grimy city. I hear the Canadian side is better.
• We stayed in Bemidji, MN, one of my favorite towns on earth, even without the wonderful family that lives there.
• We loved on nieces, nephews, cousins, brothers, sisters, uncles and aunts.
• We boated down the headwaters of the Mississippi.
• Some of us went geo-caching, some walking downtown, some fishing, some running, some biking, some boating, some Nintendo wii-ing, some cooking, some baking, some grilling, some frying, all loving doing things together.
• We took Grandma Marilyn out to Perkins and loved the evening we spent with her.
• We fit 3 adults and 4 kids into a hotel room, and most everyone slept most all of the night
• We got to stay at a huge, beautiful "hunting lodge" in deer country in Illinois. I can't wait to go back to that green, peaceful spot.
• And we pulled into our driveway just as Dorothy said "There's no place like home" at the end of The Wizard of Oz

So, that, boiled down to a nutshell (as one of my favorite college profs used to say) was my last 6 weeks. Now I am home, started school up again, excited about fall cooking, trying new recipes, contemplating joining a gym, and rather impatiently waiting for the weather outside to match the calendar.

Here are some recent funnies from the kids:

I overheard Ian the other day, speaking in a sinister voice, pretending to be a bad guy "I like my evil fish with evil salt and evil lemon on it!!" I guess even bad guys need to eat, huh?

Claire came running to me the other day, yelling "I need a band aid!!" and sporting 2 very red knees. It took me about 10 seconds to realize that it was not, in fact, blood, but self inflicted................red marker "wounds".

Well, supposedly the kids are settled napping now, a rarity in our house these days, but I shall redeem the time and *try* to get some exercise in while watching "You've Got Mail"

Our Deepest Fears....

A very wise friend shared this today from a book called "Our Deepest Fears" by Marianne Williamson. I have not read this book, but I intend to. This tidbit was too good not to share.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Ac...tually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Nate and I had a great talk last night, about life and our vision for our family and our finances and what the Lord would have us do with it all. This digressed into a talk about music (don't ask me how) which led into a talk about what I have been mulling over lately...see last post. And I just told him everything I was thinking about, and as always, it made me feel so much better to share it with him. I don't know why I fret so about talking to the man. I suppose that being in the hot tub with a glass of wine in hand helped us both to talk and to listen. ;) And in talking it out I was reminded of what the Pastor was talking about last Sunday in his discussion of Psalm 27.

The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? When the wicked, even my enemies and my foes came upon me to eat up my flesh, they stumbled and fell. Though a host should encamp against me, my heart will not fear: though war should rise up against me, in this will I be confident. One thing have I desired of the Lord, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord, and to inquire in his temple. For in the time of trouble he shall hide me in his pavilion: in the secret of his tabernacle shall he hide me; he will set me up upon a rock. And now my head will be lifted up above my enemies who are around me: therefore will I offer in his tabernacle sacrifices of joy; I will sing, yes, I will sing praises unto the Lord. Hear, O Lord, when I cry with my voice: have mercy also upon me and answer me. When you said, Seek my face; my heart said to you, Your face, Lord, will I seek. Hide not your face far from me; put not your servant away in anger: you have been my help; do not leave me or forsake me, O God of my salvation. When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take me up. Teach me your way, O Lord, and lead me in a plain path, because of my enemies. Do not deliver me over unto the will of my enemies: for false witnesses are risen up against me, and such as breathe out cruelty. I would have fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he will strengthen your heart: wait, I say, on the Lord.

I don't know if all my "issues" are rooted in fear of man, but I suspect a good deal of them are. And the antidote to this is to have a greater fear of God. Not that these are in any way the same kinds of fear. One should not fear a loving father, but you may fear to disappoint him. You would not cower before the One who loved you enough to die for you, but you should fear living in such a way that makes that sacrifice seem unappreciated. Understanding what the Lord has said, how much He truly loves us, and values us, should induce a spirit of glad hope. We should be more focused on what He thinks about us, then what we, or anyone else may think.

Proverbs 14: 26-27 says "In the fear of the Lord is strong confidence: and his children shall have a place of refuge. The fear of the Lord is a fountain of life, to depart from the snares of death." Just another of the beautiful paradoxes of the Lord...how could there be confidence in fear?!?!? BUT, it is the kind of fear and what you are fearing, that makes the difference. A place of refuge....from whatever it is you are fearing right now. And this beautiful fear of the Lord, this understanding, this reverential respect for His words that leaves no room for doubting them...this is the answer to my struggle, to not liking the person that God made me to be. I just need to know His words, and believe them, knowing that He is above me, beyond me and I can only trust Him and cling to His promises, set upon a rock above all that would threaten to tear me down.

I do this thing, where I just subconsciously start to talk like whomever I am talking with. Nate laughs at me, he can guess who I'm talking to on the phone. I think everyone does this to a certain extent. I find myself mimicking the gestures and sitting/standing positions of whoever I am with. I repeat phrases they say in conversation, only when I am in conversation with them. And when I am by myself, I wonder sometimes what I would talk like if I were talking with *me*. I endeavor to make people comfortable, and I'm probably not alone in just wanting to "fit in." I always assume that if I were to act "like myself" (for lack of a better term) I would offend someone, or they would see the "real me" and not like what they see. I have a hard time making a purchase without a second opinion, I just don't trust my gut enough. I have always been this way. I think that if I allowed myself, I would be better at many things that I falter at now. I always hesitate to say I'm right because well, what if I'm not? Is it a fear of being wrong that prompts me to pretend I don't know?

I think everyone goes through the maturing process differently. Some people "know" themselves when they are only a child. Some people constantly reinvent themselves. Some people never change. I can look back and see the changes in my life, in my perspective, and in my understanding of what it means to live in the grace of God. This is a lesson I am still learning. Every once in a while, on this journey, though, the Lord reaches down and opens my eyes to a bright understanding of some facet of His love or grace.

A big part of this is in accepting myself. *Wow, it's hard just to write that* I think maybe my emulation of others stems more from the fact that I think if I try hard enough, I can just become like them, instead of being like me. I have never accepted the person that I am, never really wanted to be comfortable in who I am because, well, I don't like that person. I'm not talking about my sin nature, no one should like that, and it should be constant struggle to yield to the Spirit in conquering that. I'm talking about my likes and dislikes, the way I talk, the way I walk, the way I look, the way I sleep, the way I laugh, things like this. Things that make me who I am, the things that God did on purpose when He was making me. I think I just have never wanted to face up to the bald fact that I have always believed that God made a mistake when He made me.

Saying it like that opens up a world of true cliches that unfortunately most Christians have been desensitized to. God doesn't make mistakes; You are made in God's image; He formed you in your mother's womb, etc. Yes, I know all this is true. Well, more accurately, I believe I suffer from a shocking degree of self aggrandizement that believes this all to be true for everyone but me. *maybe that is the root of all the trouble, I think I'm exempt from it all for some reason* Anyway, I will be the first to tell a person how special they are, how beautiful they are, how wonderful, how their specific personality, looks, temperament, etc was designed by God, and being comfortable in that gives Him glory. Why can't I say this to myself? Why, every time I see a picture of myself in a group of people do I curl up in pain inside and hate what I see? I can see all the beauty on the other people's faces, the twinkles in their eyes, their beautiful personalities shining through, and when I can stand to look at myself in the picture, all I see is my foolishness, my ugliness, my stupidity.

Most of the time, I do not think about this, it never reaches the level of my conscious thought, I am used to avoiding looking in the mirror, used to pretending I am someone else in my mind so I don't have to confront all my shortcomings. But, sometimes, as I said, the Lord holds my head still, my eyes open and filling with tears as He confronts me with the truth. And the truth is, that in not accepting myself, I am calling God a liar. I am saying He isn't good enough, what He did isn't good enough, and He did something wrong. That's all there is to it. I could go into reason after earthly reason why I might be "suffering from low self-esteem" or that I am a victim of being teased and made fun of as a child and never recovered. Blah blah blah....who isn't? I don't think that my hurts run deeper than anyone else who has seen similar circumstances.

So now, being aware of this, well, being confronted with it with no chance to worm my way out with denial (as is my wont) where do I go from here? How do you change something in the very fiber of your being, even knowing full well that continuing in it is not an option any longer. How does that play out practically? For me to all of a sudden act as if I did *like* and accept the person I am, not focusing on my faults, but learning to appreciate my personality, my manner, my looks, my natural inclinations.....what would that look like? What would change? It makes me feel as if a crushing weight were on my chest to glimpse the possible freedom that could come from this very inward shift of thinking, but it makes me scared. It makes me think, as I have so many, many times before "What if I'm wrong?" what if I act as if I am a valuable, special, uniquely created by God on purpose to be the way I am~ person and then I find out that ......I'm really not?? Again this would suppose that God is wrong, and on this one thing I can depend....God is never wrong. For me to really, truly, experientialy believe this, though, means that I can not continue to live as I have been, if only in my own mind.

And what brought this on?? Music in my head. And thinking about music that I like, and thinking about friends I have who either wouldn't approve of or just plain wouldn't like the music that I like, so, I never mention it. And there are so many areas like this. Me, all by myself, might like a style of music, or movie, or schedule or something, but unless someone else says they like or approves of it first, I feel constrained to hide it, and just add it to the list of "things about me I don't like" because, well, no one else likes them so I naturally assume I must be wrong for liking them.

I have times in my life when I decide to ignore this feeling inside, and make an effort to "be myself" or to be comfortable with myself, to like myself. And then, after awhile, I feel guilty, and I feel stupid, and I feel sure that the Lord and everyone else is ashamed of me, if they spare me a thought. And the rest of the time, I work hard at keeping up the facade that I am a laid back person who doesn't struggle with things like this. Most of the time I do a pretty good job of fooling at least myself. ;P

I think women in general struggle with this more than men. Maybe it's the male ego, or what have you, or the fact that a woman can be reading a cookbook, planning a grocery list, doing laundry, correcting homework, plucking her eyebrows and still be thinking about how much she wished that her stomach didn't have quite so many stretch marks. I don't know. I don't think I'm the only one who struggles with this, and if I'm not, and if you read this, (my tongue is in my cheek here at the thought of the millions who read my never updated blog) how then do you proceed? How do you live out practically the belief that God made you the way He did on purpose and that accepting this gives Him glory??

Oscar Wilde said "Be yourself, everyone else is already taken." I've always loved that, and felt it to be one of those unattainable pieces of wisdom people aspire towards vainly. Maybe it isn't an empty thought, though.....

New love and It Can't Be Monday. :)

Here's what I said to Nathan:

"I love you Dear, BUT, I've found someone new. His name is Art. He's younger than you, he never looks at other women, in fact, I'm the only woman that he lets touch him. He does whatever I ask him to, whether it's choping, mixing, shredding, slicing or pureeing. He's black, deliciously black and beautiful. He might get dirty working hard serving me, but I can just throw him in the dishwasher and he comes out shiny and clean. Last night I said to him "Cuisin, my love, how did I ever get along without you? You've made my life so much easier and more fun. Because of you, I can make soup, hummus, stirfry, lemon slices, focaccia dough, and a multitude of other wonderful things, all with mere seconds spent." No offense, Nate, but you could never be to me what Cuisin Art is. Don't worry, we're very happy to stay here with you. The three of us can be something beautiful."

So, yes, I am in love with my wonderful new food processor, a 14 cup Cuisinart. I got it on Friday. So far I've used it to make garlic and spinach stuffed twice baked potatoes, Jamaican tomato soup, stir fry, and tonight I'm making roasted red pepper hummus (which is fabulous with blue corn chips from Target., by the way). It's black chrome and super heavy. It shreds fresh herbs super fast, purees garlic and shreds beets, carrots, and anything else I want it to. It can also slice potatoes for chips, knead dough and is a snap to put together and clean. And, the best part, I got it on a HUGE sale, combined with a 30% off coupon which made it less than half the original price, and when I called Nate to ask him about it he said "Go for it!" without any equivocation. That was such a blessing! It's my early Mother's Day, Birthday, Anniversary gift. :)

In other news, this morning while Ian was doing his reading lesson, he turned to me and said "You know who I love more than anyone else in the whole entire world?" I was thinking it would be Bandit, or maybe Daddy, or Lily, his cousin. But no, he went on to say "It's you, Mama!" It was so sweet, and totally unprovoked, just a beautiful random Ian-ism. Like last week when I was reviewing his vowels with him and said "a-e-i-o-u" and he said "OOOOH, I-O-U, like 'I owe you a cow!'" Like this a commonly used phrase. Yeah. Most of the time his random wanderings are pretty out there and you don't know what he's talking about, but this time was wonderful. It totally made my day. Other things that made my day, in no particular order:

• Feeling the sun on my face outside with Claire this morning
• Having our first picnic of the year on our picnic table by the sandbox
• Watching the fat brave robins hopping and pecking out on my lawn
• Seeing the fencing in the back yard that Nate is going to put up so we can do a garden.
  
• Happy memories of last night, food and fellowship and fun with friends and family. fffffff
• Only having to spank Grace once so far today. (Seriously, this is good)
• Noticing George sign his Science paper "George the Magnificent."
  
• Looking forward to reading before bed tonight "On the Way Home", Laura Ingalls Wilder's journal on her trip to Missouri
• Hearing Ian zip through his reading lesson this morning, then later him telling me that what he learned in Science today was that "There are 12 foot long worms that live in South Dakota, um, I mean Africa."
  
• Eating leftover Jamaican Tomato Soup and GSTB potatoes
• Going over plural and proper nouns with George. English makes me happy.
  
• Doing a Hello Kitty puzzle with Grace
• Sauteed kale and mushrooms with my eggs this morning. It's amazing how much better I feel all throughout the day when I have kale for breakfast.
  
• Talking to my brother this morning, sharing jokes only he and I would understand and laughing til we cried
• Planning a trip to visit said brother and wife and wonderful sweet children, including my precious neph Egan, who called me a few weeks ago and said "Auntie, can you come to my birfday??" Who could say no to that??
• Seeing my boys make connections from Old Testament prophets to their lives now.
  
• Clean, fresh, flannel sheets on my bed
• Saying "Aahh" when walking into my clean bathroom, instead of my normal "Man, I really need to clean up in here!"
  

It's just been way too fun of a day to be a Monday, or rather, I suppose opening my eyes to the blessings around me makes me aware of the many gifts the Lord gives me on a continual basis.

Balance??

I'm not sure why my urge to blog has been so scarce lately. Perhaps it's just a symptom of where we are at right now. I don't feel like I have much time for anything extra, beyond school and all it entails and keeping up with the house. If it weren't for church and Awana, I don't think I would hardly ever leave my house. I'm certainly not complaining, I like it that way in some ways. I think God is just really refocusing my attentions on getting my schedule and schooling and interactions with the kids where they need to be, and it is a process! I am loving where we are at right now, loving teaching and helping them learn and watching them get excited about it all. I am loving all the snuggles I can get out of my not-so-little "baby" Claire-Bear. I am loving playing games with them, reading to them and starting new things with them. I am also really loving finding my new niche in cooking and giving healthy yummy meals to my family. We have changed so much in our diets, but I have never before enjoyed all the fun new ways to have things and the trying of new things.

So, I am so thankful for my life right now, but it seems that it is all enclosed within my four walls. Nate has even been going grocery shopping for me on Wednesday nights with Claire while the three bigs and I are at Awana. I keep getting little pricks of well, conviction is not the right word...maybe guilt? when I realize how inward focused I am getting. Not that taking care of my home and family is in any way wrong. I believe it is a Biblical mandate, but sometimes I am shocked to discover that I haven't called friends in weeks, that I haven't kept up with what other friends are doing, that it's been months since I have gotten together with friends. I think I am still trying to find a balance between being faithful to what the Lord has called me to at home, and also being faithful to be the friend I should be to the wonderful friends the Lord has blessed me with. I have a long way to go.

And now, on top of all that, I have been really itching to get back into a regular routine of exercise. I have so many times started out gung ho and energized and expecting so much of myself that burnout is just inevitable. I don't want to do that this time. I don't want to feel I have failed if I am not shaking with exhaustion when I get off the treadmill. I want to be satisfied with whatever few minutes I can devote to it and NOT make it more of a priority than it should be, while still giving the time and attention to it I need to. Again, finding a balance here is so hard for me. I have moments when I laugh at myself and think "How old are you? Have you not figured this out yet?!?!?" But in some ways, I think I had an easier time of it when I was younger. I never felt the weight of responsibility that I do now, nor the consequences of failure. Yet another thing I need to lay at the feet of the cross. I know the Lord holds the balance, the peace I am striving for. And yet, too often, turning to Him for help is a last resort, after I have fallen on my face, instead of an automatic impulse, being fully aware of my incompetence at the beginning.

Well, I must go corral the youngins' and get them fed. The boys still have their reading for the day to do and Bible. And maybe the girls will nap and I can walk on my treadmill for a little while?? We shall see. :)

Monday!

After having a mystery fever and dizziness and extreme exhaustion for three-ish days last week, then feeling great for two and a half days, only to get a 24 intestinal bug OR food poisoning, I am hoping, perhaps, to stay sick free for good now! Crossing my fingers and praying that I can be functional at least, and energy filled at best for the remainder of this week. I have a lot to do, including getting ready for our trip to the Dominican Republic in 6 days, catching up on laundry, growing bacteria in petri dishes, going over the parts of speech, reviewing the "er" and "ar" sounds with Ian, teaching reading with Grace, and I still haven't decided if I should start the boys on their new math books or let them have a longer break from them. Most of all, I just want to spend every minute I can loving on my kids and praying that our time away from them will not be hard on us all. I am excited for this trip, for what it means to Nathan, for the relaxation aspect of it, and for the alone time it will afford us. I have been praying for the incredibly brave and kind family that will be caring for the children while we are gone and I hope it will be a time of fun, somehow, for them all.

We went to El Charro yesterday for the first time in about 6 months, and I have a strong feeling that is where my stomach distress came from yesterday and this morning. I stuck to my vegan-ism, but definitely felt different when leaving. Speaking of veganism, I've found a wonderful website that has all sorts of great recipes. By now are you saying "What?? Vegan....what?!?!" Yes, I, we, have decided to transition to not eating animal foods. This has been coming in stages, and the feeling in both Nathan and I that our diet needs to change has culminated in our reading an amazing book, The China Study, by T. Colin Campbell. We are still in the transition phase and have some dairy stuff still in our house, but when it runs out, we are done. We will probably still have turkey on Thanksgiving, or eat animal products if we go somewhere, but for our house, for the majority of our diet, we are sticking to fruits, veggies, grains and nuts. In short, we're becoming plant eaters. And feeling good because of it. Nate has lost 7 pounds, I have lost 4. At first I really felt awful and thought this was a horrible idea, but besides the random flukiness of the two recent ailments, after a few weeks animal product free, I have recently begun feeling an energy I haven't felt in years. My asthma isn't bothering me, and I have even begun to think about running again. Nate says he has more energy than he knows what to do with, and we are both sleeping better. It has come quietly about that we are on this path now, and just seems to make so much sense for us. I am thankful for the knowledge the Lord has laid in our path, and hope it can contribute to a healthier future.

And it feels SOOO good to be on the same page as Nate on this. I never would have thought that my meat and potatoes husband would choose to do this, but he began it before I did, and is doing great on it. So, now I am in the process of trying to figure out how and what we should eat. Soup and salad and bread are wonderful, but I am looking to expand our horizons here. Today I printed out a recipe for Creamy Peanut Kale, which looks great. We have been consuming kale like crazy around here, after finding out how incredibly good for you it is (a star of the cruciferous family) and how dirt cheap it is...cheaper than green leaf lettuce and cheaper than iceburg sometimes. My current favorite is to saute it with fresh mushrooms and eat it on couscous, but I'm hoping the peanut recipe pans out. (pun intended, hehe) I also printed out vegan recipes for Cinnamon Raisin Scones, Roasted Beet Ravioli with Sage Pesto Sauce, and Hearty Tomato Soup. Something that has so increased my enjoyment of eating well is discovering the delights of combining fruits and veggies. I almost always have a sliced apple on my salad now, and have had delicious salads of sprouts, kale and mango, as well as shredded beet, shredded apple and greens. That burst of sweet flavor against the backdrop of an earthy crunch of cruciferous is just lovely. I really think my taste buds have become more sensitive. I was actually craving celery the other day. Celery!!! I never used to like celery, I thought it was tasteless and boring, but recently, it just explodes with crunchy, juicy flavor. Hummus has become another staple, and as much as Nate complains about my garlic breath, I can't get enough of it. I have discovered though that it is so not worth my time and the few cents it will save to rinse and soak and rinse and cook and cook and cook and rinse and set the garbonzo beans from dried, as opposed to opening a can and pureeing them for my hummus. There are some things that I don't mind doing the easy way! Dried beans are much cheaper, and getting into a routine of soaking them and cooking them I think will be in my future, for sure, but the garbonzos...canned for me, please!

The kids are doing well, getting over a little sniffle, but well for the most part. Ian has lost two teeth in front, and the one top left one is loose, which gives him a friendly, snaggle toothed appearance which sometimes makes me giggle. George's top two are growing in well, finally, although I just see dollar signs when I look at his mouth, I think we are in for some expensive dental work there. Speaking of George, I was just so proud of him this morning. I was feeling so wiped out, and he volunteered to make breakfast and lunch for everyone (he helped me) and reminded the kids to be quiet and was just so sweet. I am so thankful for my children and all their varied personalities. What a blessing to be able to be with them at this time in our lives. Speaking of the children, I should really go and be with them, the girls are up from their nap now and the boys nintendo time, although well earned from much picking up, needs to come to an end.