After Christmas ramblings

Happy after Christmas!! I have been bouncing between being totally exhausted/overwhelmed/overworked to being full of joy and energy and thankfulness. I am physically getting more able to be on the latter more, but every day is still a struggle, if a welcome one. My baby girl Grace is growing beautifully and doing great. She is such a joy, and so content. I am still amazed that I have a girl, and am still getting used to the new dynamics of our family. My back and hip are getting worse and I really need to go in to see a chiropractor or something. I will probably mention it to Dr. Boddy when I take Grace in for her next checkup. Christmas was here and gone. We have been so enjoying Scott and Mandi visiting. Scott is Nate's next youngest brother. I have to say, it is always somewhat of a bittersweet joy being around Scott because he is all that Nathan is not in the caring, attentive family man type. I really struggle with not comparing my lot with anothers. Now, I certainly do not want to be married to Scott, and don't even find him really attractive, but I just have a hard time not wishing Nathan were more like that. I need to keep reminding myself that Nate is exactly the man that God gave me, and he is exactly what I need. It's just my wanter that needs an adjustment. It's been hard to see Scott being so helpful and such a fulltime parent and me trying to get used to taking care of my three kids now, and Nathan being totally oblivious to me needing his help. A big part of it is that he is so not able to multi task, and when he is being "the big brother", I think he has a hard time being the husband and father at the same time. I know I am going to get really depressed when he goes back to work next week, and Scott and Mandi are gone, and it's just me and the kids again. I don't even want to think about how bad it's going to be in the busy season this year. It makes me cry just anticipating it. There I go again, breaking more of those holy habits of contentment, this time dwelling on tommorow. Boy, they sure do make a lot of sense to follow, look at how much turmoil of mind I could spare myself if I just would stick to them. Anyway, it's been nice to be around Nate's family so much, and his mom has been so incredibly helpful and wonderful. She thinks of everything, and has helped me out so much these last few days. We are going to get a family picture done at Target tommorow, of the whole Buchan clan, and a seperate one done of the kids. I hope it goes as well as it did when I took the boys to get theirs done, minus Ian running off. Well, I have laundry to put away, and shower to take before I sleep. Nate is staying at his mom's tonight with Ian. I had put Ian to bed while we were over there, and then the brothers decided to watch the extended version of Return of the King, so Nate is staying and bringing Ian back with him in the morning. So, I will sign off with this "Meme" thing I got off Misty's blog. Here's what her explanation of it is, and I hope someone will do it, even if I don't know you.


I just found out what a meme was thanks to Cheri. A meme is like that thing I did a couple of days ago where you answer questions about yourself, or you ponder things you normally wouldn't. I stole this one from Cheri's site, who stole it from another site. You get the idea! So, here's the Meme... It requires YOUR help so please take the time to do it for me. You can leave your post in the comment section at the bottom of this post.
A) First, recommend to me: 1. a movie.2. a book.3. a musical artist, song, or album.
B) Ask me three questions. Ask me anything you want.
C) Now go to your blog (if you have one), copy and paste this, and allow everyone to ask you the same.

Baby Grace 

Birth Story, finally!!! :)

Well, I was waiting and waiting to be able to post a birth story, and now it's been a few days since the happy event, and I am just now getting to it. I had been having prodromal labor for a few weeks, with strengthening contractions that would just peter out and didn't seem to be accomplishing anything. Monday afternoon and evening I had been having some more regular ctx, not very frequent, but requiring more concentration, and radiating down my legs more. After being "in and out" of labor for so long, though, the thought never really settled in my brain that this was really "it." We put the boys to bed, and went through our nightly routine as of late- Nate looking for baseball cards on ebay, me doing dishes and I think I took a shower, too. We have been watching episodes of The Andy Griffith Show on DVD every night before we go to sleep, and had settled in to doing that. I was watching some and pacing in the bedroom while Nate was still on the computer, then I laid down in bed with him and we watched some together at about 10:30. At 11:30, I had had a few ctx that I had to close my eyes and breathe through, and I told Nate I was going to go get in the hot tub so I could relax enough to go to sleep. I was in the tub for quite awhile, Nate fell asleep. When I got in the hot tub, I was moving around and decided to check myself while I was squatting. I could feel the baby's head behind the bag of waters. It was such a cool feeling, it really connected me to the baby, and was really exciting. The ctx radiating down my legs were getting stronger, but still not very frequent, maybe only every 10- 15 minutes, but I felt like I wanted warmer water on me. I had been going back and forth from the toilet to the tub, and then I got in the shower and put the spray on my legs. The part that really was getting tight was my upper thighs, the crease between my legs and my belly. I remember this being the worse while I was in labor with Ian. Being in the hot tub had felt good as far as being weightless, but the most comfortable position for me, sitting cross legged, didn't seem to be the best for dealing with the ctx. When I got into the shower, it felt good to put my hands on the far wall, and lock my knees and let my belly sway during the ctx. It was about this time, around 1:30, that I started to think maybe I was really in labor, and if not, that I was wanting Nate's support anyway. I got out of the shower and stood at the door to our bedroom and called his name. After he finally picked his head up, I said "I need you to get up and be with me." He fumbled for his glasses, and said "Yeah", then promptly put his head back down and closed his eyes. I said it again, louder, and this time, he woke up and got up. I told him I was getting back in the hot tub. When he got out there, he was all smiles, and I told him that I had felt the baby's head. I still wasn't positive this was really it, even though my ctx were much stronger now, and closer together. I thought I felt my water break while in the tub here, but I wasn't sure of it. I started to feel like I wanted the hotter water of the shower on my legs, and he helped me to the shower. In the hot tub and on the way to the shower, I was feeling like I was going to throw up, and even leaned over the toilet for awhile, but nothing happened. In the shower, at about 1:45, I started to feel more pressure down, and feel a little shaky. I thought I might be heading fast for transition, so I told Nate to call the midwife. He said he would, then did some other things, getting towels out, and some ice for me. I had another good ctx that felt more like pressure down a few minutes later and asked if he had called yet. He called her then, it was about 2:00 am. I was getting ancy in the shower, and got out. I felt a ctx coming while I was standing outside the shower, and just hung on Nate standing up. It was a much more comfortable position, just having him support my weight, and swaying my belly. I then went to head back to the hot tub. Right before I got to it, though, I could feel another one coming on stronger, and had him hold me the same way again. I remember how soft his gray Biogaurd fleece shirt felt on my face, it was nice. That ctx, my body just wanted to squat there, and after it, I told Nate I just needed to sit down right then. Thankfully, the birth kit was right out there, actually, he probably had gotten it out when I was in the shower, and he pulled out some blue pads and put them under and around me. I was sort of sitting, but with my legs up, and propping myself up on my arms behind me. He went to get something out of the bedroom, and I had a ctx while he was gone that I involuntarily pushed on, and my water broke with a splash that soaked the carpet past the blue pads. It felt good once the ctx switched from being in my legs to bearing down. He came back and held me, supported me as I leaned into him with my head. I roared through a ctx, and Nate kept telling me to breathe, and "SShh, it's alright, just relax." I knew the baby was coming right away, but couldn't verbalize it. Then I pushed again, and he looked down and saw her head. His eyes got real wide and he said "Okay, just slowly now." He put his hands down to support her head out of me. I pushed once more after her head was all out, and felt her body slide out of me. I just have to say, I was so impressed with my Nathan here, he handled everything so calmly and expertly. He was amazing. As soon as she was out, at 2:25am, he said "We have our baby girl!" I had had my eyes closed and just opened them to see once she was out. It all happened so quickly, though, it really didn't register that it was over. She pinked up and cried right away. Nate put her on my chest and covered her with a blue pad, then suctioned her nose. I didn't believe him that she was actually a girl! I thought he must have missed something, so I checked myself. I kept doubting and it wasn't until the third time I looked that I actually accepted that we really had a baby girl. What a surprise! :) I held her, and Nate propped some pillows up behind me so I could sit back a bit. The placenta came out about 10 minutes later. Nate called Leanne and calmly said "Well, we have a baby girl." He asked if we should do anything with the cord, and she said to just leave it. I just sat there and held my baby, really shocked that it was over and she was here, and she was a she! Nate covered us up with some towels and tried to adjust the pads underneath me so the carpet didn't get trashed, to no avail. We already knew we would probably call a baby girl Grace, so that's what we called her right away. I tried to get her to nurse, and she latched on pretty well at about 3:00. Then she was just making little squeaky noises and grunting. Leanne got here at around 3:30, and came in and checked us out. She had me push a few times to get the last of the placenta completely delivered, then we clamped and cut the cord at 3:50. She checked me for tears, and found none, just a slight skidmark. It felt so good to hand the baby off and to be able to get up myself. Leanne helped me to the shower, which I was so looking forward to, and which just felt wonderful. I just felt crampy, not sore in my perineum at all. The hot water, and getting clean felt so good. Finally, I got out, and got dressed and into my bed. Leanne brought me some cocoa and toast with way too much pb and j on it, which I ate some of. I tried to nurse Grace again, but she wasn't really interested. Then Leanne checked her all out, and she was perfectly healthy, weighing 7 lbs, 12 oz, and 21 1/2 " long. Then I put a diaper and some clothes on her. Because Leanne hadn't been here to take any blood from the cord after she was born, we had to prick her heel to do the blood test to see if she had positive blood. She has A+, so I had to have a rhogam shot. After this, we finally settled back into bed and tried to get some sleep. It was around 5:30 or 6, I think. I was still having crampy ctx, which have thankfully gotten better now, but they were really bad for a few days there. When the boys woke up at around 8, Nate got up with them. After awhile they came in to see their "sister-baby." I wanted Nate to get it on camera, but the battery was dead. George was excited to see her, but just acted like it was no big deal, and she knew she was coming. Ian just kept saying "baby" and patting her and grinning. She is a few days old now, and I am starting to really fall in love with her. She has a cute little dimple on her right cheek, and she smiled at me this morning when I sang to her. Nate's mom took the boys today, which was such a great help to me, and really was wonderful to have some quiet time alone with my baby girl. Well, the boys should all be back soon and I am so hungry and excited to have the baked ziti my wonderful friend Misty brought over. It was so great to visit with her, and I got a really cute picture of her holding Grace. She brought me a ton of presents from everyone at Bible study, and cookies too. It just overwhelms me, people's love and generosity. Well, that's all for now, I probably won't be able to post as often now, but I am glad I have this place to keep record of how my baby girl is growing and how our family is adjusting.

Life with children

I haven't felt much like writing lately, I keep thinking if I wait, I'll be able to post a birth story on here, instead of saying again that I still haven't had this baby. Nate reminded me last night that the baby is a pound heavier this weekend than when we thought we were having him last weekend. I told him not to tell me depressing things that I already know. I took a Tbs of castor oil yesterday morning. It took 12 hours to work, and then it didn't do as much as I thought it would, for which I was thankful. Last night was the first time I had had contractions remain regular while I was just resting. They were feeling crampier (probably due to the CO), and being more frequest and regular. We had sex and they got even stronger after that. I tried to sleep, but they were getting too strong for me to be comfortable in bed, so I went and got in the hot tub. Usually when I do that, they are much more comfortable, and I can get so relaxed they just go away. It took longer last night, but finally, I was relaxed enough, and the contractions had slowed down enough that I could sleep. My hips were still pretty sore, and the contractions were lower now, and wrapping around my back and hips, so I put my heating pad on my hips, and that helped me, too. I feel alright this morning, just exhausted as usual. I guess this is just normal for some people, to have off and on labor for weeks. It just kind of wears on a person. I really have to consciously tell myself that this baby will come, because I don't want to believe it anymore. I just think it's going to be like this forever, with contractions getting stronger, but never bringing a baby. I'm trying not to get discouraged, and I know having a little pity party for me solves nothing, and just disgusts me when I start thinking like that. I am so unimpressed with my midwife right now, also. I have no desire to see her, and I keep reading about unassisted births. Nate doesn't want to call her until after the baby is born, but I keep going back and forth. I think we are agreed on the fact that she hasn't been worth what we've paid her, and we will not be using her again. Of course, if the baby never comes out, then we won't have to worry about calling her, will we? :P My due date is tommorow, so I have absolutely nothing to be complaining about, I, and everyone else, just expected this baby to come early like George and Ian did. It is all consuming my mind now, it's like a constant underlying thought that colors everything else that comes into my mind. The boys are playing play-doh right now, they both have blue play-doh and they have on their matching red tool pajamas, they look so cute. I took their picture. Except George keeps telling me to look at whatever new shape he's squished the play-doh into about every 10 seconds. I told Nate last night, it's not his curiosity that gets to me, it's his repetetiveness. I bet he asks me what I'm doing or what something is 1000 times a day, when it's obvious he knows the answers. Sometimes he asks me the same question over and over and over. That gets on my nerves a little. I know, I should just be thankful that I have the blessing of being the one that he is around all day, and being the one he asks all the questions to. I just feel hormonal and cranky most of the time now, and I know I haven't been being what I need to be for my family. Nate's got a lot that's going on at work right now, and I have just been totally consumed with my own situation. Very selfish and self centered. I didn't even read the chapter in Calm my Anxious Heart this week. Bible study was last night and I just didn't want to go. I don't want to see anyone or do anything. Esther called yesterday and wanted to know if I wanted to come over, and I told her I didn't want to be around people. Even though she is one of my favorite people, she's still people. She asked how I was dealing with George and Ian, they're people too. They are truly my favorite people, though, besides Nate, and they aren't constantly asking me if I have a baby yet. Esther is so bad about this, it just really gets to me. I don't even want to answer the phone when it's her anymore. I think one thing that really has me bummed is that this baby is postponing my Christmas. We can't get our Christmas tree until we get the hot tub out of our living room, after the baby has been born. It's December 10th, and I haven't got my Christmas tree up yet!!!!! I hate that. Yikes, why did I even start writing this, it's just full of complaining. I'd better stop now before it gets any worse. Blahhhh!

No baby yet :(

It's been a hard few days. I have been having contractions of increasing strength every day this week, and Saturday, my mw called me in the morning, and asked if I was good, or if I was contracting. I said both. When she showed up that afternoon for a prenatal appt., she obviously came to stay and thought I would have a baby that night. My ctx continued to get stronger as the night went on, and I thought there was no way I would see the light of day without a baby. I was wrong. I had called my mom and a few friends in the early evening, telling them things were definitely getting going. Leanne checked me and I had dilated to 5 cm. I kept going from the hot tub to the toilet, contracting stronger all the time, but as the night wore on, I started to get tired, and fall asleep between contractions, which left me unpleasantly disoriented. Then my ctx started getting weaker. I was getting really discouraged. My mw had been sleeping in the boys room, and got up to tell me to get some rest, and maybe we would have the baby another day. This was about 2:30. I just cried on Nate's shoulder and asked him what was wrong with my body? I finally settled down, thinking maybe if I could get some rest, I would wake up to renewed labor and have the baby in the morning. When I woke up at 6:30, though, I was hardly having any contractions. MW checked me and said I hadn't changed in dilation at all. I was soooo discouraged. All those seemingly hard contractions last night seemed to be for nothing. I just started crying. Leanne was trying to be really encouraging but just ended up being annoying. Then she said something that really surprised Nate and I. She said that if nothing had happened by the end of the week, I could consider taking some Cytotec and that would really get things going. I didn't even say anything, I couldn't believe she was offering me that dangerous, untested drug. Nate and I both knew about it, I have just been reading about it's very dangerous effects, like hemmorhaging, uterine rupture, fetal death and maternal death, and the fact that it's an anti-ulcer drug that has never even been tested on pregnant women and proved safe. Nate and I didn't even answer her. She left shortly after that. I just felt so discouraged and frustrated with myself, like my body was malfunctioning, and would never get this baby out on its own. If someone had walked in at 2:30 and offered me a c-section, I would have seriously considered it. I was hardly having any contractions after Leanne left. Nate really thought she had been "trying to fit us into her schedule", and I wouldn't have felt so much pressure to have the baby last night if she hadn't been there. My ctx were so strong, though, I think I would have called her anyway. The kids had gone to Nate's parents Saturday night, and were still there. I think Nate sensed that I needed a change in scenery, and took me out to lunch and to a movie. He has been so incredible through this whole thing, supportive and understanding and so sensitive to my needs. He has just been so loving. I am so very thankful for him. I can't imagine going through this all without him by my side. He even called me almost every day last week on his lunch break to see how I was doing. That meant the world to me. I continued to have very spaced out, just breathe through them contractions on Sunday, but never anything serious. I was just so emotionally and physically exhausted. Today, I have hardly had any ctx. I got a phone call from a dear friend last night, Dora, that I met on the homebirth message board. She is a doula and very knowledgable in all things birth related. She said it sounded like the baby's head was asynclitic, and wasn't applying direct enough pressure to my cervix. She told me about an exercise I can do to get the baby's head in the right position. She told me to do it for 15 minutes every hour, but don't do it until I am really ready for the baby to be born, because with every doula client that she used this with, they went right into labor and had the baby within 2-3 hours. I have caught the boys cold now, though, and am really feeling rotten because of that, so now I am almost hoping the baby waits a while to come and I have a chance to get over this. In the end, it's God that's in control of it all, and whatever I do will have to be subject to his plan. One thing Dora said on the phone last night was had I ever thought that maybe God was using my labor teach someone else something. She's right in that I need to get my thoughts off myself and onto other people and God's plan rather than my own. I don't know what God is trying to accomplish here, but I do know that I need to be seeking it. I hope the next time I post it will be with a birth story, but if not, that will be okay, too.

Thursday

Well, Nate's prediction of having the baby on December 1st was wrong, although we both thought he would be right. I walked laps around the driveway loop while the kids were taking their nap yesterday, and was really having some good contractions, then Esther called and wanted to come over, so I came in. As soon as I stopped walking, the contractions calmed down again. I did the Evening Primrose Oil on Tuesday night, but not last night. After Nate got home, I walked some more, and then had to come in to make sure the kids got to bed on time. Ian's got a runny nose, which I think is from teething, and didn't nap well yesterday. I was feeling great, though, my hips didn't hurt, I just felt happy and alive and excited. After the kids went to bed we cleaned up the house a bit, and then took Leanne's advice that "What gets them in, gets them out." Well, it was more than just an exercise in prostaglandin placement, it was a really special time and about 30 minutes afterwards, my contractions started getting more serious and regular, enough that I was having to concentrate through them. I went and got in the hot tub and that was great for relaxing me. Nate brought home a test kit and some chemicals to make sure the water was Ph balanced and good, but he never used it. I got out of the tub, and went to bed, and slept so soundly, not waking up until 5 this morning. I felt really crampy when I woke up, but after I peed I felt better. I went back to sleep until Nate woke me up a little before 8, telling me I should get up and walk around so he would know whether or not to go to work. I did, and not enough is really happening to warrant his staying home. I think if I could do some more walking I could get things going more, but that's not an option with the kids awake. I might try to walk with George while Ian is taking his morning nap at 10:30. It would be great if I were to go into labor during the day here, but on the other hand, I would love to go to Bible study tonight and see everyone. What would have been great, if a little unrealistic, is if I had had the baby last night, then I could have just brought the baby to Bible study for a minute for everyone to meet. Oh well. :) The package from my grandmother was not pumpkin bars, as I was hoping. It was a pair of crocheted little pink booties and a handmade quilt with red, pink, and green patches on it, along with some strawberry shortcake material. The back of the quilt was a fuzzy fleece with bears and pink hearts on it. Do you think she thinks I'm having a girl?!? The package I got from my mom last week had a package of newborn diapers in it and 4 girl outfits. I think it's funny everyone is wishing for a girl, and I'm wishing for a boy. Everyone thinks that just because I already have two boys, that now I need a girl. Actually, it makes me want a boy more, because I know how to do boys, and I love having boys.

I am so anxious to get up my Christmas tree!!! I put up the little fake one in the boys room last night. They were enthralled with it. I might move it out here, though, just so we all can see it more often. I was so surprised at George, he remembered getting our Christmas tree last year. We were driving home from church and went by a store with a tree outside, and George said "Is that the candy cane store where we got our Christmas tree? You 'member, Mama, you 'member that lady that gave me the candy cane when we got our Christmas tree, and it was so good?" That's exactly what happened, too, the lady at the nursery gave him one of those mini candy canes after we got our tree last year, and he sucked on it all the way home. I had originally told George that the baby would come out after we got our Christmas tree, but now, of course, I have told him we have to wait until the baby comes out before we can get our Christmas tree. Yesterday, he told me that if we move the big chair, we can put our Christmas tree there, but he didn't know where we should put the big chair. I feel bad that I had to change what I said, and wish I hadn't told him in the first place. Oh well, maybe we'll have the baby today and can go get our Christmas tree this weekend? :) Well, I just put snotty, cranky little Ian down for his nap, so George and I are going to go outside. If you are reading this, pray me up some labor, okay? (Misty?:) I can't wait to post on here my birth story.