No baby yet :(

It's been a hard few days. I have been having contractions of increasing strength every day this week, and Saturday, my mw called me in the morning, and asked if I was good, or if I was contracting. I said both. When she showed up that afternoon for a prenatal appt., she obviously came to stay and thought I would have a baby that night. My ctx continued to get stronger as the night went on, and I thought there was no way I would see the light of day without a baby. I was wrong. I had called my mom and a few friends in the early evening, telling them things were definitely getting going. Leanne checked me and I had dilated to 5 cm. I kept going from the hot tub to the toilet, contracting stronger all the time, but as the night wore on, I started to get tired, and fall asleep between contractions, which left me unpleasantly disoriented. Then my ctx started getting weaker. I was getting really discouraged. My mw had been sleeping in the boys room, and got up to tell me to get some rest, and maybe we would have the baby another day. This was about 2:30. I just cried on Nate's shoulder and asked him what was wrong with my body? I finally settled down, thinking maybe if I could get some rest, I would wake up to renewed labor and have the baby in the morning. When I woke up at 6:30, though, I was hardly having any contractions. MW checked me and said I hadn't changed in dilation at all. I was soooo discouraged. All those seemingly hard contractions last night seemed to be for nothing. I just started crying. Leanne was trying to be really encouraging but just ended up being annoying. Then she said something that really surprised Nate and I. She said that if nothing had happened by the end of the week, I could consider taking some Cytotec and that would really get things going. I didn't even say anything, I couldn't believe she was offering me that dangerous, untested drug. Nate and I both knew about it, I have just been reading about it's very dangerous effects, like hemmorhaging, uterine rupture, fetal death and maternal death, and the fact that it's an anti-ulcer drug that has never even been tested on pregnant women and proved safe. Nate and I didn't even answer her. She left shortly after that. I just felt so discouraged and frustrated with myself, like my body was malfunctioning, and would never get this baby out on its own. If someone had walked in at 2:30 and offered me a c-section, I would have seriously considered it. I was hardly having any contractions after Leanne left. Nate really thought she had been "trying to fit us into her schedule", and I wouldn't have felt so much pressure to have the baby last night if she hadn't been there. My ctx were so strong, though, I think I would have called her anyway. The kids had gone to Nate's parents Saturday night, and were still there. I think Nate sensed that I needed a change in scenery, and took me out to lunch and to a movie. He has been so incredible through this whole thing, supportive and understanding and so sensitive to my needs. He has just been so loving. I am so very thankful for him. I can't imagine going through this all without him by my side. He even called me almost every day last week on his lunch break to see how I was doing. That meant the world to me. I continued to have very spaced out, just breathe through them contractions on Sunday, but never anything serious. I was just so emotionally and physically exhausted. Today, I have hardly had any ctx. I got a phone call from a dear friend last night, Dora, that I met on the homebirth message board. She is a doula and very knowledgable in all things birth related. She said it sounded like the baby's head was asynclitic, and wasn't applying direct enough pressure to my cervix. She told me about an exercise I can do to get the baby's head in the right position. She told me to do it for 15 minutes every hour, but don't do it until I am really ready for the baby to be born, because with every doula client that she used this with, they went right into labor and had the baby within 2-3 hours. I have caught the boys cold now, though, and am really feeling rotten because of that, so now I am almost hoping the baby waits a while to come and I have a chance to get over this. In the end, it's God that's in control of it all, and whatever I do will have to be subject to his plan. One thing Dora said on the phone last night was had I ever thought that maybe God was using my labor teach someone else something. She's right in that I need to get my thoughts off myself and onto other people and God's plan rather than my own. I don't know what God is trying to accomplish here, but I do know that I need to be seeking it. I hope the next time I post it will be with a birth story, but if not, that will be okay, too.