Life with children

I haven't felt much like writing lately, I keep thinking if I wait, I'll be able to post a birth story on here, instead of saying again that I still haven't had this baby. Nate reminded me last night that the baby is a pound heavier this weekend than when we thought we were having him last weekend. I told him not to tell me depressing things that I already know. I took a Tbs of castor oil yesterday morning. It took 12 hours to work, and then it didn't do as much as I thought it would, for which I was thankful. Last night was the first time I had had contractions remain regular while I was just resting. They were feeling crampier (probably due to the CO), and being more frequest and regular. We had sex and they got even stronger after that. I tried to sleep, but they were getting too strong for me to be comfortable in bed, so I went and got in the hot tub. Usually when I do that, they are much more comfortable, and I can get so relaxed they just go away. It took longer last night, but finally, I was relaxed enough, and the contractions had slowed down enough that I could sleep. My hips were still pretty sore, and the contractions were lower now, and wrapping around my back and hips, so I put my heating pad on my hips, and that helped me, too. I feel alright this morning, just exhausted as usual. I guess this is just normal for some people, to have off and on labor for weeks. It just kind of wears on a person. I really have to consciously tell myself that this baby will come, because I don't want to believe it anymore. I just think it's going to be like this forever, with contractions getting stronger, but never bringing a baby. I'm trying not to get discouraged, and I know having a little pity party for me solves nothing, and just disgusts me when I start thinking like that. I am so unimpressed with my midwife right now, also. I have no desire to see her, and I keep reading about unassisted births. Nate doesn't want to call her until after the baby is born, but I keep going back and forth. I think we are agreed on the fact that she hasn't been worth what we've paid her, and we will not be using her again. Of course, if the baby never comes out, then we won't have to worry about calling her, will we? :P My due date is tommorow, so I have absolutely nothing to be complaining about, I, and everyone else, just expected this baby to come early like George and Ian did. It is all consuming my mind now, it's like a constant underlying thought that colors everything else that comes into my mind. The boys are playing play-doh right now, they both have blue play-doh and they have on their matching red tool pajamas, they look so cute. I took their picture. Except George keeps telling me to look at whatever new shape he's squished the play-doh into about every 10 seconds. I told Nate last night, it's not his curiosity that gets to me, it's his repetetiveness. I bet he asks me what I'm doing or what something is 1000 times a day, when it's obvious he knows the answers. Sometimes he asks me the same question over and over and over. That gets on my nerves a little. I know, I should just be thankful that I have the blessing of being the one that he is around all day, and being the one he asks all the questions to. I just feel hormonal and cranky most of the time now, and I know I haven't been being what I need to be for my family. Nate's got a lot that's going on at work right now, and I have just been totally consumed with my own situation. Very selfish and self centered. I didn't even read the chapter in Calm my Anxious Heart this week. Bible study was last night and I just didn't want to go. I don't want to see anyone or do anything. Esther called yesterday and wanted to know if I wanted to come over, and I told her I didn't want to be around people. Even though she is one of my favorite people, she's still people. She asked how I was dealing with George and Ian, they're people too. They are truly my favorite people, though, besides Nate, and they aren't constantly asking me if I have a baby yet. Esther is so bad about this, it just really gets to me. I don't even want to answer the phone when it's her anymore. I think one thing that really has me bummed is that this baby is postponing my Christmas. We can't get our Christmas tree until we get the hot tub out of our living room, after the baby has been born. It's December 10th, and I haven't got my Christmas tree up yet!!!!! I hate that. Yikes, why did I even start writing this, it's just full of complaining. I'd better stop now before it gets any worse. Blahhhh!