You know, it could probably be filled under "really pretty shabby things to do" to have a beautiful wonderful Christmas holiday, two glorious weeks of having Nate around all the time, wonderful memory making times in the beautiful snow of Maine and then never even give it a passing mention in blogworld. I do have a reason for my delay. (And it is just a delay, not an omission.) I stupidly forgot my digital camera in Maine, and I wanted to ship the cable to my mother for her to download the pictures onto her computer before she shipped it back to me just in case of some weird scanning device at a post office somewhere erasing all the pictures. And, I wanted to post pictures, a lot of them, to go with my words about being in Maine, seeing all of my crazy family, etc. However, I will do what I did last year and cut and paste my New Year's letter in here, though, just for posterity. Here it is:

Happy New Year! I'm sure everyone was inundated with glittering, beautiful Christmas cards before the New Year, and well, I just didn't want you to have to cruise over our news amidst the flood of holiday greetings, so I opted to do a New Year's letter instead. (Not to mention that I totally ran out of time to do Christmas cards.....)

2005 was a growing and wonderful year for our family. Nate's busy season at work started with a bang in the spring. His responsibilities and scope of commitments seem to grow every year, as well as his ability to handle it all expertly. His faithfulness to what the Lord has called him to in his job is exceptional.

It would take up this whole letter to put down all the ways the Lord orchestrated our move this summer, but suffice it to say that it was all His leading and provision that blessed us with a beautiful new home right next door to Nate's family, and also provided renters from our church for our little house in Whitesburg. We have so enjoyed living right next to "Grandpa and Grandma", as well as Caleb and Ross. They are a continual blessing to us.

In July, we celebrated Ian's 2nd birthday and at the end of the month there was a trip up to Maine for Grace and Charity to celebrate my parent's 30th wedding anniversary. We surprised them with the party and with our visit. It was wonderful to be able to see everyone and to show some small appreciation for the incredible blessing of my parents and their love for each other and our family.

In August we had a wonderful time when my parents came down to Georgia. We also celebrated our sixth wedding anniversary by leaving all the kids with "Grammy and Grampy" and going to spend a night in a little cabin in Pine Mountain. It was the first time we had gone away without having children with us or having any on the way. It was great to be able to have that time alone to reflect on how far the Lord has brought us, through struggles and joys to draw us closer to each other.

This fall I had the privilege to help my dear friend Amy in the birth of their 4th precious baby boy. It was truly an amazing experience. We also added to our family, with the adoption of our sweet beagle, Boscoe. Fall also brought several trips as a family. In September we spent the weekend at a cabin in North Georgia, and at the beginning of November we trekked down to Orlando for the National Pool and Spa convention. We spent a night at Hilton Head island on the way down, compliments of another timeshare tour free hotel stay. We decided that November is definitely the time to go to Florida, the weather was beautiful and it was off-season, so our rental house for the week was a great deal. Nate even finagled us discount tickets to DisneyWorld. That was a wonderful and truly magical day, we all had so much fun and made some great memories. As much as Mickey Mouse impressed us, though, we all enjoyed just being together as a whole family infinitely more. During the busy spring and summer, Nate has to be away from home so much, it is always great to be able to just be together as a family in the fall and winter.At the end of November, Nate's brother Scott, wife Mandi, and beautiful daughter Lily came to stay with us for a week and we celebrated Thanksgiving and had an early Christmas with the Buchan clan. It was a wonderful time together, made even more exciting by the announcement of another baby on the way for Scott and Mandi.

Of course, December was a very busy month, with Grace's 1st birthday, Christmas parties and everything here, and then packing up and driving to Maine, where we celebrated George's 4th birthday, Christmas and had a wonderful time with the Buchanan clan and all the relatives and dear friends up there. We had Christmas dinner in the new Buchanan camp on Greenwood Pond. The kids, (okay, and Nate and I too) had a great time playing in the snow. It was so beautiful up there, with the crystal snow sparkling in the sun and the cold air making our breath steam. George was especially impressed with this, and declared himself a dragon the first time he noticed it. On our trip back, Nate decided to do a grand cities tour and drove through Boston, New York, Providence and Philadelphia, where we were even in time for a tour of Independence Hall and got to see the Liberty Bell. It was a wonderful trip, and though we were sad to leave family and friends, we were very glad to be back in our home here in Georgia. Now for my favorite part of the letter, where I talk about my beautiful children...

It's hard to believe that I am 4 years into this great adventure called motherhood, and my little George is now a little man. George is a very methodical little boy and likes to do things the same way. Even his prayers are usually the same. "Dear Jesus, thankyou for our food, keep Daddy safe, keep everything away, and please help Jesus to put a shell outside., Amen." We're not sure what the shell is about, but it brings a smile to our faces every time we hear his repetitive but earnest supplications. George has greatly enjoyed being an Awana Cubbie this year, and remembers about every verse he has learned thus far. Sometimes I have a hard time keeping up with his thirst for knowledge and wish I could have more time just teaching him. But, he fills the role of big brother wonderfully. He is a great help to me, and enjoys being almost another parent to his two little siblings. He adores his "sister-baby" Grace and loves helping to take care of her, and he and Ian are inseparable playmates and best friends.

Ian is still a smiling whirlwind of laughing, climbing, running wild fun. It has been fun to see his verbal development in the last year as he has moved beyond just repeating George's phrases to coming up with thoughts and words of his own. He is still George's copycat, though, and it is so cute to see them together, and hear Ian's version of whatever "grown-up" speech George has just given. Ian remains as affectionate as ever, and will sometimes even stop a tantrum to fulfill a request for a kiss. He loves to do puzzles and draw and read books, although he still has a hard time sitting still through a whole story.

Grace is becoming more of a precocious toddler everyday, instead of a cuddly baby. She has six teeth, which she will show off to you in a huge grin if you smile at her. She has no interest in walking yet, but prefers to climb everything in sight instead. If there is music on she will be dancing, and she loves to look at books and to draw every chance she gets. She is funny and sweet and just has a look in her eye that makes you think there is a whole lot more going on in her fuzzy blonde little head than meets the eye. I can't believe it has been over a year since she was born, our surprise baby, but a very welcome surprise for sure.

I am still greatly enjoying and learning from my ladies Bible study and also helping in Awana on Wednesdays. As always, I am striving towards being a better wife and mother, even though at times, the journey seems more filled with steps backwards than forwards. Amidst it all, though, there is a peace that comes from knowing I am doing exactly what the Lord has called me to. I thank God that I have been given the opportunity and honor to be home and to make my home a refuge for my hardworking husband, and to see all my children's moments, to be the one they run to, the one they talk to first. Nothing else gives me more joy and peace. I hope you also know the joy and peace that comes from knowing the Lord and following His leading. Nothing else can compare to it. You are all in our hearts and in our prayers.
Love, Nathan, Charity, George, Ian and Grace

So, there it is. I was trying to put in the picture that I put at the end of the letter, but I will probably just end up Hello-ing it after this.

I have been so incredibly tired and worn down lately. I think I need to do a real detox in my diet, I know I just have never recovered from eating sugar all the time over Christmas. And, I think I may be on the road to weaning little Gracie. :( She hardly ever wants to nurse anymore, and when she does, she doesn't bite, but just the way her teeth are now just cut into me so bad, I have four perfect little teethmarks on my nipples for about an hour after she nurses. Yowch!! That's anything but pleasant, and of course just makes me want to wean her, even though I really had planned on nursing her longer. The boys both lost interest in nursing at about 13 months, too, but I thought that had more to do with me being pregnant. And I am not pregnant right now!! In fact, I feel pms-y and am having ovarian pain and all kind of weirdness, but again, I think it's just diet crappyness.

I did something I have never done before last night. I had had another in a succession of exhausting, (physically and emotionally) days, and I just wanted to leave. So, I did. I called my mother in law at about 4:45 in the afternoon and asked her if she could take the kids until Nathan got home. She was very happy to and told me to bring them right over. And then, I left. I drove around by myself, I went to Hastings and bought a book, I went to Goodwill and took a really long time looking closely at breakable things, and just enjoyed the sound of silence. It was amazing. I resisted the sudden urge to buy a pack of cigarettes and smoke them all slowly. (I don't know where that came from, except some small vestige of that being equated with stress relief.) I went to a Chinese buffet restaurant and ate dinner and read my book all by myself, then I went to several more stores and easily went from car to store and looked at whatever I wanted to, for however long I wanted to, all by myself. I went to Target and bought a shirt with the word "Simplify" on the front of it. I thought it was perfect. I got home at about 9:30, to my sympathetic husband's arms. It was a truly unique experience. Nathan says I should do it more often.

Today, I made it my sole objective to hang out with my kids, and that is what we did. We watched movies together, played together, read a lot of books, had some good talks, memorized some verses, ate very simple to prepare and pretty nutritionless food together, and just generally got along. You know, if I could just make that my sole objective every day, I wouldn't get so overwhelmed. I wouldn't be so stressed out. I wouldn't wake up in the morning and have to fight off angry tears thinking of all I will battle that day. I think something drastic has to change, has to give in my parenting, my attitude, or something. I just don't feel like things are working out very well. I feel very conflicted. On the one hand, I feel increasingly deeply the need for me to be an efficient homemaker, maintaining a clean, well-ordered home with chores done systematically, errands run efficiently and with minimal cost, and children's health and well-being cared for. On the other hand, are days like today. When I don't worry about any of that, and just play with and love on my kids and end up with a dirty, cluttered, unkept house with no meals prepared, no necessary errands run, no plans made or carried out, which of course is unstustainable on a long term basis anyway. My problem is, I don't know how to find the balance and struggling between these two is wearing me out. I think I strive too much towards the first, but I come so far from ever attaining it, I feel an immense sense of failure all the time. I wonder how on earth other women do it, and wonder what I am lacking that I cannot even come close. Anyway, these are the things I am struggling with. Not so much in an angry, tense stressed out sort of way. I am kind of beyond that. It's more like in a quiet, resigned, on the edge of shutdown kind of a way. I left last night because if I had stayed with my children, in my home, any longer, I would have just curled up on the floor and cried, or at least that's what I was feeling. Maybe the Lord is just bringing my weakness before my eyes more clearly so that I will cry out to Him for His strength. That is certainly what I need.