Two days ago, a miracle happened in my house. In a quiet room, all by himself, my little 4 year old son told Jesus he was sorry for his sins, that he knew he needed to be saved, and nobody else could save him and asked Jesus to save him and let him go to Heaven someday. Then he ran out and said "Mama, I asked Jesus to save me from my sins and I really think He answered my prayer!"
We had been talking about things for quite some time, as George has been learning different verses in Cubbies and at home and has over the past few months begun to understand the reality of the gospel. Last Friday night I think was the first time he fully understood that Jesus was the only way to Heaven, that only Jesus could have paid the punishment for his and my and everyone else's sins, and that no one else could ask Jesus to save him, but him. He knew about Hell, and seperation from God, and that if you don't accept God's present to us of His Son taking the punishment for our sins, then we would go to Hell. This was a subject that I had steered clear of, frankly just because I didn't really know what to tell him exactly, and didn't really think he was ready for it all, but a 5 year old friend told him all about it on Friday, and expounded quite efficiently on Jesus' sacrifice for us. This had spurred George on to ask a lot of questions and he had even said that night that he wanted to ask Jesus to save him, but he didn't know how. This is the boy who usually prays the same stock prayer, be it at a meal, bedtime, or whenever. So, that night I had told him what he could say, but he was still reluctant. I had been very careful to just present the facts and stress that it was his decision. I didn't want him praying a prayer or "making a decision" simply because he thought I wanted him to. I could tell that night that he was struggling with it, and wanted to ask Jesus to save him, but wasn't quite ready. He wanted me to do it for him, or Daddy. I explained that only he could do it, it was a choice everyone has to make for themselves. I didn't say anymore about it, but just prayed.
Then on Monday afternoon, when he got up from his nap, he greeted me with those precious words. We talked then and I asked him some questions to try to make sure that he understood. He was very excited and of course, so was I after I did believe that his understanding and decision were genuine. We prayed together and thanked God for sending his son and Jesus for saving him. I told him that God had just written his name in the book of life, (we had read that passage from Revelation a few days ago) and that the angels were so happy and having a party because they were so excited that he was a Christian now and that he would be in Heaven someday.
Yesterday we went to the Bible bookstore to try to find a good children's Bible. I found some good ones for children, but the translations looked pretty out there. George had been trying to follow the pastor's chapter and verses in church on Sunday with the pew Bible, saying that his Bible didn't have numbers. He asked if he could take that Bible home because he really needed one with real numbers in it. I finally found one online that I will order for him. It's called the Children's Rainbow Bible. It's got lots of beautiful illustrations and charts as well as a children's dictionary in it, and it is a real Bible, not just a collection of paraphrased stories. George is very excited to get it in the mail.
It all seems sort of unreal to me. I didn't really think that at this point in my child's life, he would be ready to make this, the most important of decisions. It thrills my soul, and at the same time adds a whole new realm of responsibility to my parenting. In a way, though, it also brought a sad realization to light.
After George and I had talked and prayed, we called Grammy in Maine and George excitedly told her his news. She started crying happy tears and asked him some questions and they talked for awhile. Then he called Grandma and there were more happy talks. Then we called Daddy. George talked first, told him his news and there was a short pause on George's end while Nate replied. Then George said "Daddy, it is cool!" Then nothing. George waited a minute or so and then said "Okay I love you, bye-bye." Then handed the phone to me. Well, he tried, but Ian grabbed the phone and babbled for a few seconds and then said Bye and handed the phone to me. When I got Nate on the phone he sounded as deadpan and irritated as ever when I call him at work and shortly said "Okay, I've got to go, I'll see you later." He got home about 20 minutes before the kids went to bed and after the children were in bed I asked him if he was excited about George's news. He shrugged his shoulders and said "I don't know" When I questioned him further he said he wondered if George really understood. I told him all I had asked George and that he had told me and the fact that he had prayed, all by himself, not at anyone's prompting, and that I really thought it was genuine. He just nodded and said "Well, good" and then got on the computer.
Perhaps he just reacts to things differently than I do. I know that he does. But it really did just dismay me to see his lack of excitement or even apparent interest in the immortal soul of his child. I so often don't have any idea what is going on in his head, and this is one of those times I would really give a lot to be able to know exactly what he's thinking. Maybe I'm making too much out of him not making much of it. Maybe there is a lesson to be learned here for me, but it just seems to scream to me what I already know at the periphery of my attention. Spiritual things don't seem to matter to him. And again, I should not be expecting him to react or to act like I do. It just disheartens me, and reemphasizes to me that I am on my own, or rather, that I am only to rely on my Heavenly Father in the spiritual leading and teaching of our children. And isn't that what we are all to do?
I've spent a lot of time in prayer this morning, thanking God for George's understanding and asking for His help in guiding and being an example to my baby, who is now a baby Christian. I know He cares for George and me and my family even more than I do, and I take a lot of comfort in that fact and in the ever present availability of His strength.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Sunday, January 15, 2006
If you are reading this, please scroll down first and read about Nate's dream, I think it's beautiful.
I just read Misty's blog and I think she tagged me!! I don't really know what this means, but I think I have to answer the questions she just answered, so here goes"
Four jobs you’ve had in your life:
Waitress
House painter
Library worker, (but, I liked to call myself "Goddess of the Books")
Medical secretary
Four movies you would watch over and over:
Star Wars, any of the original three
Wizard of Oz
Princess Bride
Star Trek VI
Four places you have lived:
Willimantic, ME
Colorado Springs, CO
Pensacola, FL
Newnan, GA
Four TV shows you love to watch:
Um, I don't really watch TV now, but I used to like....
Star Trek
Friends
Andy Griffith
Mister Rogers :)
Four websites you visit daily:
I don't visit any websites daily anymore, but when I do, it's..
Misty's blog
My blog
Karen Isherwood's blog
W@H
Four of your favorite foods:
My mother's pizza
My father's cinnamon rolls
My bread
Anything chocolate
Four places you would rather be right now:
I love being home, but as long as we're imagining...
Climbing Borestone Mtn.
Canoeing Greenwood Pond
Laying on the beach in Pensacola
Sitting in front of a fire in a cabin with just my husband
Four bloggers you are tagging:
Um, I don't even think four bloggers read my blog, but...
Cheri
Nattie
Dana
Stephanie
I just read Misty's blog and I think she tagged me!! I don't really know what this means, but I think I have to answer the questions she just answered, so here goes"
Four jobs you’ve had in your life:
Waitress
House painter
Library worker, (but, I liked to call myself "Goddess of the Books")
Medical secretary
Four movies you would watch over and over:
Star Wars, any of the original three
Wizard of Oz
Princess Bride
Star Trek VI
Four places you have lived:
Willimantic, ME
Colorado Springs, CO
Pensacola, FL
Newnan, GA
Four TV shows you love to watch:
Um, I don't really watch TV now, but I used to like....
Star Trek
Friends
Andy Griffith
Mister Rogers :)
Four websites you visit daily:
I don't visit any websites daily anymore, but when I do, it's..
Misty's blog
My blog
Karen Isherwood's blog
W@H
Four of your favorite foods:
My mother's pizza
My father's cinnamon rolls
My bread
Anything chocolate
Four places you would rather be right now:
I love being home, but as long as we're imagining...
Climbing Borestone Mtn.
Canoeing Greenwood Pond
Laying on the beach in Pensacola
Sitting in front of a fire in a cabin with just my husband
Four bloggers you are tagging:
Um, I don't even think four bloggers read my blog, but...
Cheri
Nattie
Dana
Stephanie
Heaven
Nathan had a dream the other night. He dreamt that he was being chased by a terrible monster, and the monster caught him. Then, he realized that his body was done for, so he left, he just floated up, and as soon as he was out of sight of his body, he realized how blue the sky was and how bright the sun was. He could see the earth beneath him, green and beautiful, and growing smaller as he floated higher and higher. Then, he looked up. He saw the bottom of the clouds, golden and full of light, and realized that Heaven was just beyond. Then, he woke up. He said nothing specific woke him up, he said it was almost as if God said "Nope, you can't see any further just yet..."
After he told me about his dream he said "What if that's what it's like? You don't really die at all, you just go on living without your body. It was as if the earth was a great weight tied to my feet, and as soon as I was free from it, it was amazing. I think that's how it will be."
This morning in church we sang one of my favorite songs, "Be Thou My Vision." The last verse says "...High King of heaven, my victory won, May I reach heaven's joys, O bright heav'ns Son! Heart of my own heart, whatever befall, Still be my vision, O ruler of all." Nate's voice caught and his eyes filled with tears. Then he looked meaningfully at George, sitting between us. George is coming very close to realizing the truth of the Gospel. He's been asking lots of questions lately, and he and Nate talked about it at bedtime for a long time the other night. It makes Heaven more of a reality, I think, to imagine being there with your children.
After he told me about his dream he said "What if that's what it's like? You don't really die at all, you just go on living without your body. It was as if the earth was a great weight tied to my feet, and as soon as I was free from it, it was amazing. I think that's how it will be."
This morning in church we sang one of my favorite songs, "Be Thou My Vision." The last verse says "...High King of heaven, my victory won, May I reach heaven's joys, O bright heav'ns Son! Heart of my own heart, whatever befall, Still be my vision, O ruler of all." Nate's voice caught and his eyes filled with tears. Then he looked meaningfully at George, sitting between us. George is coming very close to realizing the truth of the Gospel. He's been asking lots of questions lately, and he and Nate talked about it at bedtime for a long time the other night. It makes Heaven more of a reality, I think, to imagine being there with your children.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
You know, it could probably be filled under "really pretty shabby things to do" to have a beautiful wonderful Christmas holiday, two glorious weeks of having Nate around all the time, wonderful memory making times in the beautiful snow of Maine and then never even give it a passing mention in blogworld. I do have a reason for my delay. (And it is just a delay, not an omission.) I stupidly forgot my digital camera in Maine, and I wanted to ship the cable to my mother for her to download the pictures onto her computer before she shipped it back to me just in case of some weird scanning device at a post office somewhere erasing all the pictures. And, I wanted to post pictures, a lot of them, to go with my words about being in Maine, seeing all of my crazy family, etc. However, I will do what I did last year and cut and paste my New Year's letter in here, though, just for posterity. Here it is:
Happy New Year! I'm sure everyone was inundated with glittering, beautiful Christmas cards before the New Year, and well, I just didn't want you to have to cruise over our news amidst the flood of holiday greetings, so I opted to do a New Year's letter instead. (Not to mention that I totally ran out of time to do Christmas cards.....)
2005 was a growing and wonderful year for our family. Nate's busy season at work started with a bang in the spring. His responsibilities and scope of commitments seem to grow every year, as well as his ability to handle it all expertly. His faithfulness to what the Lord has called him to in his job is exceptional.
It would take up this whole letter to put down all the ways the Lord orchestrated our move this summer, but suffice it to say that it was all His leading and provision that blessed us with a beautiful new home right next door to Nate's family, and also provided renters from our church for our little house in Whitesburg. We have so enjoyed living right next to "Grandpa and Grandma", as well as Caleb and Ross. They are a continual blessing to us.
In July, we celebrated Ian's 2nd birthday and at the end of the month there was a trip up to Maine for Grace and Charity to celebrate my parent's 30th wedding anniversary. We surprised them with the party and with our visit. It was wonderful to be able to see everyone and to show some small appreciation for the incredible blessing of my parents and their love for each other and our family.
In August we had a wonderful time when my parents came down to Georgia. We also celebrated our sixth wedding anniversary by leaving all the kids with "Grammy and Grampy" and going to spend a night in a little cabin in Pine Mountain. It was the first time we had gone away without having children with us or having any on the way. It was great to be able to have that time alone to reflect on how far the Lord has brought us, through struggles and joys to draw us closer to each other.
This fall I had the privilege to help my dear friend Amy in the birth of their 4th precious baby boy. It was truly an amazing experience. We also added to our family, with the adoption of our sweet beagle, Boscoe. Fall also brought several trips as a family. In September we spent the weekend at a cabin in North Georgia, and at the beginning of November we trekked down to Orlando for the National Pool and Spa convention. We spent a night at Hilton Head island on the way down, compliments of another timeshare tour free hotel stay. We decided that November is definitely the time to go to Florida, the weather was beautiful and it was off-season, so our rental house for the week was a great deal. Nate even finagled us discount tickets to DisneyWorld. That was a wonderful and truly magical day, we all had so much fun and made some great memories. As much as Mickey Mouse impressed us, though, we all enjoyed just being together as a whole family infinitely more. During the busy spring and summer, Nate has to be away from home so much, it is always great to be able to just be together as a family in the fall and winter.At the end of November, Nate's brother Scott, wife Mandi, and beautiful daughter Lily came to stay with us for a week and we celebrated Thanksgiving and had an early Christmas with the Buchan clan. It was a wonderful time together, made even more exciting by the announcement of another baby on the way for Scott and Mandi.
Of course, December was a very busy month, with Grace's 1st birthday, Christmas parties and everything here, and then packing up and driving to Maine, where we celebrated George's 4th birthday, Christmas and had a wonderful time with the Buchanan clan and all the relatives and dear friends up there. We had Christmas dinner in the new Buchanan camp on Greenwood Pond. The kids, (okay, and Nate and I too) had a great time playing in the snow. It was so beautiful up there, with the crystal snow sparkling in the sun and the cold air making our breath steam. George was especially impressed with this, and declared himself a dragon the first time he noticed it. On our trip back, Nate decided to do a grand cities tour and drove through Boston, New York, Providence and Philadelphia, where we were even in time for a tour of Independence Hall and got to see the Liberty Bell. It was a wonderful trip, and though we were sad to leave family and friends, we were very glad to be back in our home here in Georgia. Now for my favorite part of the letter, where I talk about my beautiful children...
It's hard to believe that I am 4 years into this great adventure called motherhood, and my little George is now a little man. George is a very methodical little boy and likes to do things the same way. Even his prayers are usually the same. "Dear Jesus, thankyou for our food, keep Daddy safe, keep everything away, and please help Jesus to put a shell outside., Amen." We're not sure what the shell is about, but it brings a smile to our faces every time we hear his repetitive but earnest supplications. George has greatly enjoyed being an Awana Cubbie this year, and remembers about every verse he has learned thus far. Sometimes I have a hard time keeping up with his thirst for knowledge and wish I could have more time just teaching him. But, he fills the role of big brother wonderfully. He is a great help to me, and enjoys being almost another parent to his two little siblings. He adores his "sister-baby" Grace and loves helping to take care of her, and he and Ian are inseparable playmates and best friends.
Ian is still a smiling whirlwind of laughing, climbing, running wild fun. It has been fun to see his verbal development in the last year as he has moved beyond just repeating George's phrases to coming up with thoughts and words of his own. He is still George's copycat, though, and it is so cute to see them together, and hear Ian's version of whatever "grown-up" speech George has just given. Ian remains as affectionate as ever, and will sometimes even stop a tantrum to fulfill a request for a kiss. He loves to do puzzles and draw and read books, although he still has a hard time sitting still through a whole story.
Grace is becoming more of a precocious toddler everyday, instead of a cuddly baby. She has six teeth, which she will show off to you in a huge grin if you smile at her. She has no interest in walking yet, but prefers to climb everything in sight instead. If there is music on she will be dancing, and she loves to look at books and to draw every chance she gets. She is funny and sweet and just has a look in her eye that makes you think there is a whole lot more going on in her fuzzy blonde little head than meets the eye. I can't believe it has been over a year since she was born, our surprise baby, but a very welcome surprise for sure.
I am still greatly enjoying and learning from my ladies Bible study and also helping in Awana on Wednesdays. As always, I am striving towards being a better wife and mother, even though at times, the journey seems more filled with steps backwards than forwards. Amidst it all, though, there is a peace that comes from knowing I am doing exactly what the Lord has called me to. I thank God that I have been given the opportunity and honor to be home and to make my home a refuge for my hardworking husband, and to see all my children's moments, to be the one they run to, the one they talk to first. Nothing else gives me more joy and peace. I hope you also know the joy and peace that comes from knowing the Lord and following His leading. Nothing else can compare to it. You are all in our hearts and in our prayers.
Love, Nathan, Charity, George, Ian and Grace
So, there it is. I was trying to put in the picture that I put at the end of the letter, but I will probably just end up Hello-ing it after this.
I have been so incredibly tired and worn down lately. I think I need to do a real detox in my diet, I know I just have never recovered from eating sugar all the time over Christmas. And, I think I may be on the road to weaning little Gracie. :( She hardly ever wants to nurse anymore, and when she does, she doesn't bite, but just the way her teeth are now just cut into me so bad, I have four perfect little teethmarks on my nipples for about an hour after she nurses. Yowch!! That's anything but pleasant, and of course just makes me want to wean her, even though I really had planned on nursing her longer. The boys both lost interest in nursing at about 13 months, too, but I thought that had more to do with me being pregnant. And I am not pregnant right now!! In fact, I feel pms-y and am having ovarian pain and all kind of weirdness, but again, I think it's just diet crappyness.
I did something I have never done before last night. I had had another in a succession of exhausting, (physically and emotionally) days, and I just wanted to leave. So, I did. I called my mother in law at about 4:45 in the afternoon and asked her if she could take the kids until Nathan got home. She was very happy to and told me to bring them right over. And then, I left. I drove around by myself, I went to Hastings and bought a book, I went to Goodwill and took a really long time looking closely at breakable things, and just enjoyed the sound of silence. It was amazing. I resisted the sudden urge to buy a pack of cigarettes and smoke them all slowly. (I don't know where that came from, except some small vestige of that being equated with stress relief.) I went to a Chinese buffet restaurant and ate dinner and read my book all by myself, then I went to several more stores and easily went from car to store and looked at whatever I wanted to, for however long I wanted to, all by myself. I went to Target and bought a shirt with the word "Simplify" on the front of it. I thought it was perfect. I got home at about 9:30, to my sympathetic husband's arms. It was a truly unique experience. Nathan says I should do it more often.
Today, I made it my sole objective to hang out with my kids, and that is what we did. We watched movies together, played together, read a lot of books, had some good talks, memorized some verses, ate very simple to prepare and pretty nutritionless food together, and just generally got along. You know, if I could just make that my sole objective every day, I wouldn't get so overwhelmed. I wouldn't be so stressed out. I wouldn't wake up in the morning and have to fight off angry tears thinking of all I will battle that day. I think something drastic has to change, has to give in my parenting, my attitude, or something. I just don't feel like things are working out very well. I feel very conflicted. On the one hand, I feel increasingly deeply the need for me to be an efficient homemaker, maintaining a clean, well-ordered home with chores done systematically, errands run efficiently and with minimal cost, and children's health and well-being cared for. On the other hand, are days like today. When I don't worry about any of that, and just play with and love on my kids and end up with a dirty, cluttered, unkept house with no meals prepared, no necessary errands run, no plans made or carried out, which of course is unstustainable on a long term basis anyway. My problem is, I don't know how to find the balance and struggling between these two is wearing me out. I think I strive too much towards the first, but I come so far from ever attaining it, I feel an immense sense of failure all the time. I wonder how on earth other women do it, and wonder what I am lacking that I cannot even come close. Anyway, these are the things I am struggling with. Not so much in an angry, tense stressed out sort of way. I am kind of beyond that. It's more like in a quiet, resigned, on the edge of shutdown kind of a way. I left last night because if I had stayed with my children, in my home, any longer, I would have just curled up on the floor and cried, or at least that's what I was feeling. Maybe the Lord is just bringing my weakness before my eyes more clearly so that I will cry out to Him for His strength. That is certainly what I need.
Happy New Year! I'm sure everyone was inundated with glittering, beautiful Christmas cards before the New Year, and well, I just didn't want you to have to cruise over our news amidst the flood of holiday greetings, so I opted to do a New Year's letter instead. (Not to mention that I totally ran out of time to do Christmas cards.....)
2005 was a growing and wonderful year for our family. Nate's busy season at work started with a bang in the spring. His responsibilities and scope of commitments seem to grow every year, as well as his ability to handle it all expertly. His faithfulness to what the Lord has called him to in his job is exceptional.
It would take up this whole letter to put down all the ways the Lord orchestrated our move this summer, but suffice it to say that it was all His leading and provision that blessed us with a beautiful new home right next door to Nate's family, and also provided renters from our church for our little house in Whitesburg. We have so enjoyed living right next to "Grandpa and Grandma", as well as Caleb and Ross. They are a continual blessing to us.
In July, we celebrated Ian's 2nd birthday and at the end of the month there was a trip up to Maine for Grace and Charity to celebrate my parent's 30th wedding anniversary. We surprised them with the party and with our visit. It was wonderful to be able to see everyone and to show some small appreciation for the incredible blessing of my parents and their love for each other and our family.
In August we had a wonderful time when my parents came down to Georgia. We also celebrated our sixth wedding anniversary by leaving all the kids with "Grammy and Grampy" and going to spend a night in a little cabin in Pine Mountain. It was the first time we had gone away without having children with us or having any on the way. It was great to be able to have that time alone to reflect on how far the Lord has brought us, through struggles and joys to draw us closer to each other.
This fall I had the privilege to help my dear friend Amy in the birth of their 4th precious baby boy. It was truly an amazing experience. We also added to our family, with the adoption of our sweet beagle, Boscoe. Fall also brought several trips as a family. In September we spent the weekend at a cabin in North Georgia, and at the beginning of November we trekked down to Orlando for the National Pool and Spa convention. We spent a night at Hilton Head island on the way down, compliments of another timeshare tour free hotel stay. We decided that November is definitely the time to go to Florida, the weather was beautiful and it was off-season, so our rental house for the week was a great deal. Nate even finagled us discount tickets to DisneyWorld. That was a wonderful and truly magical day, we all had so much fun and made some great memories. As much as Mickey Mouse impressed us, though, we all enjoyed just being together as a whole family infinitely more. During the busy spring and summer, Nate has to be away from home so much, it is always great to be able to just be together as a family in the fall and winter.At the end of November, Nate's brother Scott, wife Mandi, and beautiful daughter Lily came to stay with us for a week and we celebrated Thanksgiving and had an early Christmas with the Buchan clan. It was a wonderful time together, made even more exciting by the announcement of another baby on the way for Scott and Mandi.
Of course, December was a very busy month, with Grace's 1st birthday, Christmas parties and everything here, and then packing up and driving to Maine, where we celebrated George's 4th birthday, Christmas and had a wonderful time with the Buchanan clan and all the relatives and dear friends up there. We had Christmas dinner in the new Buchanan camp on Greenwood Pond. The kids, (okay, and Nate and I too) had a great time playing in the snow. It was so beautiful up there, with the crystal snow sparkling in the sun and the cold air making our breath steam. George was especially impressed with this, and declared himself a dragon the first time he noticed it. On our trip back, Nate decided to do a grand cities tour and drove through Boston, New York, Providence and Philadelphia, where we were even in time for a tour of Independence Hall and got to see the Liberty Bell. It was a wonderful trip, and though we were sad to leave family and friends, we were very glad to be back in our home here in Georgia. Now for my favorite part of the letter, where I talk about my beautiful children...
It's hard to believe that I am 4 years into this great adventure called motherhood, and my little George is now a little man. George is a very methodical little boy and likes to do things the same way. Even his prayers are usually the same. "Dear Jesus, thankyou for our food, keep Daddy safe, keep everything away, and please help Jesus to put a shell outside., Amen." We're not sure what the shell is about, but it brings a smile to our faces every time we hear his repetitive but earnest supplications. George has greatly enjoyed being an Awana Cubbie this year, and remembers about every verse he has learned thus far. Sometimes I have a hard time keeping up with his thirst for knowledge and wish I could have more time just teaching him. But, he fills the role of big brother wonderfully. He is a great help to me, and enjoys being almost another parent to his two little siblings. He adores his "sister-baby" Grace and loves helping to take care of her, and he and Ian are inseparable playmates and best friends.
Ian is still a smiling whirlwind of laughing, climbing, running wild fun. It has been fun to see his verbal development in the last year as he has moved beyond just repeating George's phrases to coming up with thoughts and words of his own. He is still George's copycat, though, and it is so cute to see them together, and hear Ian's version of whatever "grown-up" speech George has just given. Ian remains as affectionate as ever, and will sometimes even stop a tantrum to fulfill a request for a kiss. He loves to do puzzles and draw and read books, although he still has a hard time sitting still through a whole story.
Grace is becoming more of a precocious toddler everyday, instead of a cuddly baby. She has six teeth, which she will show off to you in a huge grin if you smile at her. She has no interest in walking yet, but prefers to climb everything in sight instead. If there is music on she will be dancing, and she loves to look at books and to draw every chance she gets. She is funny and sweet and just has a look in her eye that makes you think there is a whole lot more going on in her fuzzy blonde little head than meets the eye. I can't believe it has been over a year since she was born, our surprise baby, but a very welcome surprise for sure.
I am still greatly enjoying and learning from my ladies Bible study and also helping in Awana on Wednesdays. As always, I am striving towards being a better wife and mother, even though at times, the journey seems more filled with steps backwards than forwards. Amidst it all, though, there is a peace that comes from knowing I am doing exactly what the Lord has called me to. I thank God that I have been given the opportunity and honor to be home and to make my home a refuge for my hardworking husband, and to see all my children's moments, to be the one they run to, the one they talk to first. Nothing else gives me more joy and peace. I hope you also know the joy and peace that comes from knowing the Lord and following His leading. Nothing else can compare to it. You are all in our hearts and in our prayers.
Love, Nathan, Charity, George, Ian and Grace
So, there it is. I was trying to put in the picture that I put at the end of the letter, but I will probably just end up Hello-ing it after this.
I have been so incredibly tired and worn down lately. I think I need to do a real detox in my diet, I know I just have never recovered from eating sugar all the time over Christmas. And, I think I may be on the road to weaning little Gracie. :( She hardly ever wants to nurse anymore, and when she does, she doesn't bite, but just the way her teeth are now just cut into me so bad, I have four perfect little teethmarks on my nipples for about an hour after she nurses. Yowch!! That's anything but pleasant, and of course just makes me want to wean her, even though I really had planned on nursing her longer. The boys both lost interest in nursing at about 13 months, too, but I thought that had more to do with me being pregnant. And I am not pregnant right now!! In fact, I feel pms-y and am having ovarian pain and all kind of weirdness, but again, I think it's just diet crappyness.
I did something I have never done before last night. I had had another in a succession of exhausting, (physically and emotionally) days, and I just wanted to leave. So, I did. I called my mother in law at about 4:45 in the afternoon and asked her if she could take the kids until Nathan got home. She was very happy to and told me to bring them right over. And then, I left. I drove around by myself, I went to Hastings and bought a book, I went to Goodwill and took a really long time looking closely at breakable things, and just enjoyed the sound of silence. It was amazing. I resisted the sudden urge to buy a pack of cigarettes and smoke them all slowly. (I don't know where that came from, except some small vestige of that being equated with stress relief.) I went to a Chinese buffet restaurant and ate dinner and read my book all by myself, then I went to several more stores and easily went from car to store and looked at whatever I wanted to, for however long I wanted to, all by myself. I went to Target and bought a shirt with the word "Simplify" on the front of it. I thought it was perfect. I got home at about 9:30, to my sympathetic husband's arms. It was a truly unique experience. Nathan says I should do it more often.
Today, I made it my sole objective to hang out with my kids, and that is what we did. We watched movies together, played together, read a lot of books, had some good talks, memorized some verses, ate very simple to prepare and pretty nutritionless food together, and just generally got along. You know, if I could just make that my sole objective every day, I wouldn't get so overwhelmed. I wouldn't be so stressed out. I wouldn't wake up in the morning and have to fight off angry tears thinking of all I will battle that day. I think something drastic has to change, has to give in my parenting, my attitude, or something. I just don't feel like things are working out very well. I feel very conflicted. On the one hand, I feel increasingly deeply the need for me to be an efficient homemaker, maintaining a clean, well-ordered home with chores done systematically, errands run efficiently and with minimal cost, and children's health and well-being cared for. On the other hand, are days like today. When I don't worry about any of that, and just play with and love on my kids and end up with a dirty, cluttered, unkept house with no meals prepared, no necessary errands run, no plans made or carried out, which of course is unstustainable on a long term basis anyway. My problem is, I don't know how to find the balance and struggling between these two is wearing me out. I think I strive too much towards the first, but I come so far from ever attaining it, I feel an immense sense of failure all the time. I wonder how on earth other women do it, and wonder what I am lacking that I cannot even come close. Anyway, these are the things I am struggling with. Not so much in an angry, tense stressed out sort of way. I am kind of beyond that. It's more like in a quiet, resigned, on the edge of shutdown kind of a way. I left last night because if I had stayed with my children, in my home, any longer, I would have just curled up on the floor and cried, or at least that's what I was feeling. Maybe the Lord is just bringing my weakness before my eyes more clearly so that I will cry out to Him for His strength. That is certainly what I need.
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
Happy New Year!! I don't have much time to write, but I just finished cleaning the kitchen and have a few minutes until the laundry gets done, so I will take advantage of it. Oh, I have so very much to say, so very many subjects to write about, and I don't even know where to start. Instead of going chronologically, though, I think I will just start backward and write what went on today. I will fill in the holiday gaps later.
This morning Esther and I went out to the dairy in Alabama, about a 2 hour trek, and got milk and butter and cheese, (Misty, if you're reading this, I have some for you if you want it, non-frozen...) went to the discount grocery and got organic cereal and juice and to Kroger to get some other fill-ins. Yesterday I went to Wal-mart and got a good bit of groceries, diapers, shampoo, etc. with the giftcards we were given for Christmas. That was a nice present. Very useful.
Nate and I had a talk last night about spending money, and being more organized to the extent that it would allow me to save more money. I had already been thinking about what I needed to do to make some drastic changes in my schedule and daily routines to get more organized and plan better. Menu planning, doing certain housecleaning tasks on certain days, and things like that. So that is what I am pursuing right now, really trying to get more organized, be better prepared, prioritized and hopefully peaceful. I think his only concern is that I spend his money as wisely as possible, but if I accomplish my goals, I think they will accomplish his as well. Really, part of being a submissive wife is specifically submitting to what your husband prefers, and with Nathan, I have always known that money is a huge deal, in some cases, the only deal he sees. My use of it needs to be above reproach and consistently prudent. I do want to save money as much as possible, but I would really just like to make our home life more organized and peaceful. I would like to get to the place where I am making bread on a certain day of the week, doing laundry at certain times, running errands other times. I want to get into a routine that allows me to accomplish all of what I need to as a matter of course and then the needful things won't get pushed aside by other things.
Well, the boys just got up, I must go. Maybe I won't be able to sleep sometime this week and I will be able to catch up on blogging. I seem to do the most of it then, late at night. Oh well!!!
This morning Esther and I went out to the dairy in Alabama, about a 2 hour trek, and got milk and butter and cheese, (Misty, if you're reading this, I have some for you if you want it, non-frozen...) went to the discount grocery and got organic cereal and juice and to Kroger to get some other fill-ins. Yesterday I went to Wal-mart and got a good bit of groceries, diapers, shampoo, etc. with the giftcards we were given for Christmas. That was a nice present. Very useful.
Nate and I had a talk last night about spending money, and being more organized to the extent that it would allow me to save more money. I had already been thinking about what I needed to do to make some drastic changes in my schedule and daily routines to get more organized and plan better. Menu planning, doing certain housecleaning tasks on certain days, and things like that. So that is what I am pursuing right now, really trying to get more organized, be better prepared, prioritized and hopefully peaceful. I think his only concern is that I spend his money as wisely as possible, but if I accomplish my goals, I think they will accomplish his as well. Really, part of being a submissive wife is specifically submitting to what your husband prefers, and with Nathan, I have always known that money is a huge deal, in some cases, the only deal he sees. My use of it needs to be above reproach and consistently prudent. I do want to save money as much as possible, but I would really just like to make our home life more organized and peaceful. I would like to get to the place where I am making bread on a certain day of the week, doing laundry at certain times, running errands other times. I want to get into a routine that allows me to accomplish all of what I need to as a matter of course and then the needful things won't get pushed aside by other things.
Well, the boys just got up, I must go. Maybe I won't be able to sleep sometime this week and I will be able to catch up on blogging. I seem to do the most of it then, late at night. Oh well!!!
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