10 Strange Things about Me....

My sincerest apologies to Windy who tagged me for this like....(I don't know) awhile ago, and I haven't done it until tonight....so here goes....

1. As referenced slightly above, I have no internal chronometer. Like, you could put me in a room with no windows and no clocks and come back in 1o minutes and tell me you were gone three hours or vice versa and I would believe you. I really can't tell.

2. In spite of #1, for some God-is-giggling-about-it reason, I almost ALWAYS see 12:34 on the clock. I am not a habitual clock watcher at all, but for some reason, I almost always happen to glance at the clock when it is this...am and pm. I have tried to NOT see it, but I end up getting all anxious and can't stand it anymore and have to look and yup...there it is...12:34

3. My belly button has always looked like an arrow....pointing up. (Yes, it's a saggy arrow now)

4. I inadvertantly talk like whomever I am talking to. Dh can totally tell who I am talking to by how I am talking. I don't mean to do it, I just do it. Their tone of voice, their accent, their expressions, etc. I have no idea why.

5. I can't touch chalk. I don't know why either. It totally creeps me out, like makes my skin crawl.

6. Although I haven't drank really in over 10 years, I crave vodka almost ALL the time.

7. I am obsessed with Christmas. I love twinkling lights anytime. I listen to Christmas music all year round. Something inside me just sings continually when I even think about it.

8. I love tie dye, and classic rock. I am a thinly disguised hippie born in the wrong generation.

9. I HATE to hear myself sing. I enjoy singing only when I can't hear myself.

10. Okay, apparently, the scar weirdness is just too strange so I will change #10 to something else: The last strange thing about me: I sneeze twice every night before I go to sleep. Always.

1. All my kids are healthy and (usually) happy.
2. My husband is able to work, I know that is a blessing.
3. I have family who loves me and supports me, always.
4. I have food in my fridge and pantry and freezer.
5. We have enough clothes to wear, and then some.
6. We have a house big enough for all of us, and then some.
7. I got a new inhaler.
8. I can read my Bible anytime, without ever fearing for my life or safety because I am doing so.
9. I have such an incredible network of wise and wonderful friends, online and off.
10. I am able to do what I need to take care of my children and my home.

Wordless Wednesday

The Monkey Children

In the blogging world, I am so not even up to "ameteur" status.

There are people who faithfully blog their daily activities; there are people who blog to tell you about great deals and wonderful ideas; and there are other people who blog witty, intelligent, thought-provoking, convicting essays.

I am none of the above.

I blog because it helps clear my head, and it helps me to see my crazy disordered thoughts written down. Okay, you say, then why not just write them down in a journal or in a word document for yourself? And....well, I don't really know the answer to that, except that I think there is a part of me that enjoys being "part" of something...such as "the blogging world", and even though I don't blog for the benefit of anyone but myself, and usually no one else would even find my blog posts intelligible, let alone interesting, I always do treasure when someone leaves a comment saying they at least understood, if not appreciated or commiserated with me about something that I wrote. Words of affirmation are a strong love language with me. Words, period, mean a lot to me. I hold books as one of the most valuable of my possessions, with my old worn out Bible being most precious. I have cards from people that wrote me 2 lines that touched my heart....10 years ago or more. I have saved every word that Nathan has ever written to me. And I long to hear more of his words, always, no matter what the subject. On Mother's Day, Ian wrote me a "card". It was a piece of cardstock, crookedly cut out to a small rectangular shape, with this written on it, "U love (picture of a heart) I" I knew as soon as I saw it that it would be one of my most treasured possessions forever. I love words, and not only words of affirmation, but words of learning, of conviction, etc. So, I think perhaps it fulfills a longing in my soul to have my own words "immortalized" in a fashion, by having them published for all the world to see. Even though the quality of them is usually scrambled, if not fried (hmm, I'm thinking eggs for supper..where was I??) I like to have them here. And thanks to anyone who has ever liked them, too. :)

His mercies are new every morning...

.....Of course, and I knew this, and I know it now. I think sometimes I convince myself that there are pits too deep for God to climb into. As if MY sin is just too "bad" for the Father of forgiveness to take away. It is amazing-the presumption of pride. But the truth is, that Jesus became, has already become, (and taken care of) every shameful, evil, malevelant, disgusting sin there ever was. So, for me to cry out to Him in my sin is not ludicrous, it's what He has been waiting for me to figure out that I should do. I can't begin to convey the depth of my gratefulness for this fact.

I have nothing nice to say...so I should say nothing, right? I guess I am hoping that if I get all the not nice things off my chest and onto the computer they will not weigh so heavily. Or maybe I just want to gripe......

I am angry, just stressed and angry and feel at the end of my frayed rope and utterly alone in this struggle of parenting and living. I know IN MY HEAD that the Lord is with me, that His strength is made perfect in my great faltering weakness, that I can do all things through Him, but my heart is just turning a blind eye to all that written out so neatly and sweetly. It sometimes is hard to get those words past the screaming and the poop and the stress and the fighting and the defiance and the long lonely hours. I know I am stuck focusing on the negative, but I just can't seem to gather the willpower to change my perspective. Right now I just hate....I don't even know what....the fact that I am alone? The fact that my husband is in a job where he gives 110% of himself (which leaves next to nothing for his family) and is not appreciated for it, but demeaned by the one whose company he is fighting for?? the fact that there is poop in the bathtub and the laundry room right now that I am just too completely stressed out to clean up without totally losing it?? The fact that after all these years, at times like this I still crave cigarettes??? Yuck. Maybe it's the fact that there are times I can fool myself and possibly others into thinking I have things together somewhat and can actually cope well with what my life entails, and then I have a day like today on top of a day like yesterday and all of sudden I feel utterly exposed as the incompetent wretch that I am. How is is good for my children to have a mother like this? How is it good for my husband to have a wife like this? It's not. And yet here I sit, in my wretchedness. I am tired, oh so tired, physically and emotionally and mentally exhausted. And I am not reacting well, I am not acting well, I am not thinking well. Certainly nothing approaching godliness. I just want to leave, I just want to run, I just want to erase all of this for the shame of it being true. How can my outlook be so mercurial?? One day I feel on top of the world, as if I can feel the mighty hand of God leading and protecting me, and then sometimes it's as if I have leaped a chasm He just won't cross. I suppose that is the leap into sin, where God can have no part. It's not that my circumstances are so horrible, far from it. It's just that somedays I cannot summon the energy to react towards them as I know I should. And this has become one of those days.

Friday Felicities

• I made the absolute best tasting homemade vanilla ice cream this morning, and added some homemade strawberry jelly to half of it...yum
• Claire looks beyond adorable in little curly pigtails
• Only two more days til Nate has a day off
• A REALLY good paycheck for Nate's 76 hours last week
• Chatting with friends online, on the phone and in person
• Being invited to play games with friends tonight...I can't wait!!
• Getting a little progress on Mt. Laundrytobedone
• Boys who play outside HAPPILY for over an hour together
• My new Kodak scanner/copier/ PICTURE PRINTER!!!!!!
• Hugs from my kids......way more valuable than any money I could be paid for my work
• Emails from my cute, sweet and wonderful mother
• Finding friends
• Corny jokes a la Ian "Hey, Mama, Knock Knock!...(Who's there)....Hat...(hat who?)...Hat who is wearing on George when he goes outside to play!!!.......get it?????"
• Observations a la George "Mama, I noticed we don't have an antenna on our van. Racecars don't have antennas either, probably so they don't get distracted by the radio when they are supposed to be paying attention to driving."
• Demands a la Gracie "It's sixty-firty to wake up time, Mama, I stayed in my bed and my nundewaaaaaare is dwy, can I have some mint gum??"
• Declarations a la Clairey "No, NO!" (pointing at the table, which she's been corrected twice for climbing up on today)
• Remembering Nattie on Fridays especially....:)

Did I really say that?!?

It seems like strange things have been coming out of my mouth lately. They make perfect sense in the context in which they occur, but taken out, they do sound pretty weird. Here are some examples:

• "Stop using the force on your sister!"
• "We do not eat dinosaurs."
• "Please don't make jewelry out of your fruit."
• "It's not nice to pretend to flush Grandma."
• "Legos do not go in your underwear."
• "Get Spiderman off the cat."
• "No, I do not want to see your 'cool' stinky."
• "Yes, I'm sure Batman loves you."
• "We do not dance while we are peeing."
• "No, I don't think Jesus is hiding under your bed."
• "Monsters are allergic to freesia body spray."
• "No, Daddy does not just swim in pools all day."
• "No, wild rice does not turn you into a wild animal."

And then there are the things that I say on average 657 times per day. Man, if I only had a nickel for every time I said....

• "Shut, flush, and wash."
• "No whining!!!!!!!"
• "Use your words."
• "If you get it out, put it away."
• "Go potty now!"
• "Hands in your pockets in the store."
• "Figure it out."
• "Obey right away, the right way, with the right attitude."
• "Quietly, quietly."
• "Is that loving your neighbor?"
• "I love you"
• "No, we can't call Daddy right now."
• "No snacks right now."

And then there's the things I wish I said more often.....

• "Of course you may do the laundry for me."
• "No, Dear, I don't mind if you take the kids for the day."
• "Sure, I'd like another Starbucks."
• "Round trip tickets to see my parents?? Great!"
• "Oh, I dropped another size! How about that?"
• "Maid service for life? Okay, if that's what you think best, Dear."
• "No, I am not too young to have all these children."
• "Girl's night out? Okay!!"
• "You taught yourself to clean the bathroom top to bottom? What a good boy!"
• "I'd love to have some flowers, how sweet!"

And then there's the things that I continually have to remind myself of, that I tell myself over and over....

• "Thou will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee."
• "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
• "Remember your grandmother."
• "Only a few more days until Nate is home."
• "Give it to the Lord."
• "Action, not anger."
• "Let it go."
• "Be a blessing."
• "She opens her mouth in wisdom and on her tongue is the law of kindness."
• "His grace is sufficient for me."
• "His mercies are new every morning."

I guess that last list is the one I need to keep in mind. :)

1. Only two days until Nathan is home with us ALL DAY
2. I get to go to the church yard sale tommorow
3. It is sunny and warm and breezy out
4. I am sort of (crossing my fingers) caught up on laundry
5. Everyone took a nap today....PTL!!
6. Nate is wisdom tooth-less and has done great so far.
7. I had a great big Caesar salad for lunch, and it was wonderful
8. I need to make bread today.....but thanks to my Zo, it will take me all of 5 minutes to do, then 2 1/2 hours later, fresh homemade bread!!
9. Facebook.......I'm starting to love it.
10. I am so thankful for friends who inspire and encourage and sharpen me just by being themselves.

I'm looking for curriculum for George for second grade. It is a frustrating endeavor. I know what I think he needs to know, I know what he knows now, and I know what "they" say he should know in second grade. I also know that I want to get a lot of Rod and Staff again, but not everything. I am checking out Miquon Math, and looking into getting a science book. One of the things I love about homeschooling is that you don't have to wait for the slowest kid in the class to catch up before you can move on to new material. I mean, if my child gets fractions after one lesson, great, on to the next thing, and if they don't get it after 3 weeks, then we can stay working on it until he does get it. I love this. BUT, it has lent itself to a bit of impatience with the curriculum. On one hand, I am very thankful for well organized, godly curriculum that presents material in an easy to digest fashion, and takes the guess work out of what I should teach when. On the other hand, what if said wonderful curriculum is taking 3x as long as is necessary (for my child) to explain the parts of speech, or the basics of a math concept? Do I skip pages of review, risking that I may miss an important step in nailing the concept in my child's mind, or do I make him do all the repetitive pages and reviews, risking that he loses interest in the subject and starts to dread doing schoolwork at all??? (I am so not one of these home school people who think that school should just be a chore and they are going to do it whether they like it or not. My goal is to instill a love of learning in my children and nurture their natural curiosity.) I have not found the end-all, be-all answer for this dilemma, and it comes up in a much bigger way when I am choosing curriculum. What if all of the concepts that are introduced for the second grade are things we have already talked about, and I know he understands? Do I get it anyway, because he needs the review, and I may have missed some key fragment that would keep him from understanding it wholly later on? Or do I only get what will be all new and challenging to him? I am not sure what to do.....I am sure I am not doing Rod and Staff math, there is no longer any question that it is just waaaaaay too slow and repetitious. If I had G do all the review in the math books, he would surely learn to dread and be bored by math. Right now, he is still retaining interest, and enjoying it, doing what we have been, which is skipping every other page, and doing half of it orally. I know he is ready for much more advanced math, and I am hoping what I find for 2nd grade will be a better fit for him.

Should I get a separate Bible curriculum, or just continue to supplement Bible reading to the readers, which are straight from Bible stories? Should I get some sort of a devotional for him? Should I start teaching Bible stories, a la felt figures and board??? And what about Grace and Ian?? Do I really need to buy anything just to teach them basic phonics and beginning reading? (I don't really think so) Should I do them together, or would it be better to teach them separately? Hmmmm, can you tell I have a TON of questions in my mind right now about this? (And have I reached my quota for question marks???)

I am excited, though, for George to be doing second grade, and for us to be doing it together. I love homeschooling (as challenging as it is sometimes, and as inept as I am too often) and I am so thankful that we are able to do it. I know it is only going to get more challenging as time goes on
but possibly part of the routine will get easier with time.....like mothering. I mean, the more kids you have, the harder it is to keep up with everything, but the more knowledge passes to instinct, and routines get into place, so you don't have to think about them as much anymore. I am still a little conflicted on which camp I will fall into when it comes to co-ops, lessons, sports and all. It seems like there are two extremes that most people fall into (and I know wonderful, godly families that are in both camps). There is the harried, running here, there and everywhere, kids in all sorts of lessons (piano, horseback, Spanish, soccer, ballet, art, etc.), perpetually exhausted and stretched far too thin, time wise and financially. And on the other end of the spectrum are the families that aren't involved in anything, and are together as a family all the time, whose children don't have any "extra-curricular" activities at all. I can see good sides to both, and I can also see that the time I have to observe and decide is decreasing, and the opportunities and options for involvement are only increasing. Of course, just as in any endeavor, this needs to be bathed in prayer, and peace sought for confirmation of any decision.

Speaking of decisions, and peace, (since this is my blog and there aren't actually any "topic police" who fine you if you go from rabbit trail to rabbit trail in your topics..) I am so greatly relieved to have finally been given peace over a subject which I had agonized over for over a year. I went over and over the arguments for both sides of the coin, talked to many different couples who had made the decision we are considering, and prayed and prayed and talked and talked, and waited on the Lord, and just recently I feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest. While doing my routine rumination of this subject, I suddenly realized that I didn't feel the internal conflict any more, I didn't feel the guilt or the indecision or the angst that had so far accompanied any mental perusal of the facts pertaining to this decision. It is a beautiful thing to be released to peace. We haven't taken any steps toward acting on this decision, and who knows, maybe the Lord will bring some other things forward for us to consider about this, but for right now, I am just so thankful to the Lord that He has set me free in this.

And on that note, I think I will get back to looking at curriculum......:)

This always happens. I have pages and pages of things I write in my head, just aching to blog them at the time I am thinking them, imagining how it will clarify my thought process and be wonderful to get it all down. Then, on the rare occasion that I actually have time to sit down and type at the computer, all of these seemingly pertinent thoughts have flitted away like so many elusive butterflies in the spring time. Maybe it's that there is just so much, all the time, swirling and thrashing around in my head, that when I have to actually pick a single topic to concentrate on, it's kind of hard. I guess I should write something, though, after all, I am here, now.

Yes, I am here, sitting in my rocker, next to the sleeping cat on my messy bed. The window is beside me, and outside the window is a thin dogwood. It seems almost bent down with the weight of the big blossoms on it. They seem way out of proportion to the spindly branches holding them up to the sun. But, it's nice to look at. There's also (while we are on our tour of "Charity's view") the stump of a tree that a little yellow and black bird has been diligently trying for 3 days now to peck a hole into, I'm assuming a hole big enough for him to live in. These Georgia pines do grow so tall and thin. Being from "The Pine Tree State", I do consider myself if not an expert, then at least an expert appreciator of the pine tree. Pine trees in Maine grow tall, but they are ever so much fuller and fatter than the ones here.

Okay, I'm bored reading what I've written, what hope do I have that the unsuspecting random reader here has even made it this far without falling asleep and drooling all over their keyboards??? *Please note that the author of this blog is not legally responsible for damage to keyboards caused by drooling readers* Hey, maybe that could be my new home business! Not drool on keyboards I mean, but I could set up a website where I write whatever mind dulling drivel I think of for the purpose of putting my readers to sleep. Insomniacs everywhere will be blessing my name. ;P

And now for something completely different...

It is April, we are just on the cusp of pool season. Of course, I know this every year, I feel more prepared every year. Usually I have a bit of a freak out those first few late nights, the first 6 work day week, but then I mentally get in the groove and get into gear for it, and it's fine. But this year, I have older children who actually notice that their Daddy is suddenly not able to be around, and they don't understand why. Well, George understands why, although he may be having the hardest time with it, at least he gets it. Ian and Grace are not old enough to understand, they just want him here. And I think it seems harder this year as well because of the way that God has orchestrated circumstances and Nate's heart since last year, and he more than ever wishes he could be home. I think I am actually the one in the family that will have the easiest time of it this year, besides darling Claire, who is still blissfully clueless that anything is different than it was a month ago. Still, we shall persevere, and I know it is my responsibility to be the glue that holds us all together, and I know that with Christ making His strength perfect, complete, in my weakness, that I can do it.

On another topic entirely, I am so discouraged about my lack of weight loss. I have never been so heavy this long after having a baby, not even when I was 3 or 4 months pregnant again. It's not that I have a TON of weight to lose, either, it's just that it won't budge. Not that I am killing myself exercising to get rid of it, though. I think that's half the discouragement right there, I feel like I am unable to get to the exercise that I know would kick these last 15-20 lbs. I have tried several times to do an exercise video in the afternoon, but with the boys only sleeping every other day, and even then it seems like someone is up every 15 minutes, it only gets more and more frustrating trying to get into doing a 30 minute video. I have looked into getting a treadmill, but then I think I would only run into the same problem. I know there are moms with little kids who actually find time to exercise, but I don't know where they find the energy, or the uninterrupted time. I have started to consider actually looking into getting a real gym membership, but I really don't know if the time and money for that is a reasonable expectation. But, I will be having my 2nd 29th birthday this year, it's kind of big one, and I have thought about getting together a "sales presentation" for Nate on why a gym membership would be good. Of course, there's always child care, but I think some gyms have child care there, although there would have to be a pretty high set of standards met for me to feel comfortable with leaving my kids. I know I have friends out there who would gnaw their own feet off before putting their children in a situation like that, but I have yet to be convinced either way. I know it is a long shot, but I am going to check it out anyway. Who knows??

And now I have officially wiled away the time when I should have been doing laundry, but on the upside, I feel a bit less stressed than I did a while ago. And tomorrow holds promise of a picnic at the park (oh boy, what on earth am I going to bring for food...) and also friends coming over to play games, so that will be fun. I am way late on mailing my mom's birthday present, because I had this idea in my head and couldn't find exactly what I was looking for, so I don't know exactly what to do now......okay I'm done babbling, you may return to your regularly scheduled surfing.

Babbling.....

Kids are playing outside. Baby is napping. I am sitting here checking my email (among other things) because I know if I don't do it now, I will want to do it this afternoon while I should be trying to get the rest of my stuff ready for the consignment sale. I have all but a few clothing items tagged, only about 20 left. I have all the shoes done, most of the bibs, and I did have all the cute little socks sorted and laid out, until Ian and Grace decided to raid my closet. I am typing slowly because somehow I totally flipped out on my own floor the other night, smashed my knee against the door frame and tore half of my thumbnail off. I'm still not exactly sure how I fell, but it must have looked funny when I did. My shoulder is going out again. My neck/shoulder muscles are so tense and sore. I need to get back the the chiropractor. I haven't been since before Christmas.

I am so beyond exhausted, it's ridiculous. Kids have been up, sick, teething, bad dreams, etc. a ton. Several nights lately I have just slept in the girls room, or rather laid there half asleep for short intervals of time inbetween getting up with one or the other of them. I'm sure one of these days everyone will sleep throught the night again....hopefully.....right????

Claire is walking faster all the time, she is so cute. She reminds me of a friends' son whose father said of him "He isn't really walking as much as he's just throwing his feet at the floor." :) We are all very excited because we are going to the circus on Thursday night!! One of Nate's clients gave him tickets for Christmas. The kids are so hyped up, counting down the days. We were hoping to go down and visit David one of these weekends, but it hasn't worked out yet. Hopefully soon as well, although I'd really prefer to be a little bit caught up on rest before we go down.

I still haven't found a treadmill yet. Either they are too expensive, too cheap/junky to run on, or they are gone before I contact the person. I haven't checked in a few days, actually, I need to look again. I wish I could just join a gym. I miss that so much, but (as I keep reminding myself) that is a monetary and logistical impossibility right now. Maybe in a few years. I need to start doing my Tae Bo videos again, but I have been trying every spare moment to get the consignment sale done, I haven't done any exercising in almost 2 weeks now! Blech....that's not the way for me to get into my summer clothing.

Nate and I have been watching The Office on dvd from Netflix lately. We just finished disc 2 of Season 2. I know we are going to be so bummed when we catch up to current times and there is no more Office on tv because of the dumb writers strike!!

On a happy note, I picked up the first Mitford book at Goodwill the other day. I had found the second one at Sal. Army a few weeks ago, and considered buying the rest online, but as I couldn't find them for less than about $4 a piece with shipping, I decided to wait. I started At Home in Mitford last night. It was lovely. I also found a copy of Intimate Issues by Linda Dillow and someone else whose name I can't remember. I had heard from several people that this was a good book, and it was in great condition so I picked it up. I have read about half of it, and it is sooooo good. It has really opened my eyes a lot, and I have already learned quite a bit. I have several friends I will want to loan it out to when I am done. I highly recommend it, at least what I have read so far.

I have no idea what I am going to make for lunch for the kids. I know what I'm having, though...a great big mug of coffee!! I've been trying to time my caffeine consumption just right so that I don't caffeinate my breast milk and make Clairey even less likely to sleep, as has happened a few times, I suspect. I really don't know when I will be done nursing. I have no reason to stop, really, and she shows no inclination towards quitting, although I think she does enjoy a bottle more than me if she's really hungry, and she's not really a kid who likes to comfort nurse a whole lot. I nurse her once in the early morning, once at afternoon naptime, once at bedtime, and then whenever she really wants to if she wakes up in the night, which has been quite a bit lately. Someone asked me awhile ago when I quit nursing my babies, and I said "When I am 3 or 4 months pregnant." So, really, I don't know if this time, I just won't know when to quit, since I don't plan on being pregnant again.

I think I've babbled enough. Obviously, I couldn't think of any one theme or topic to talk about, but just thought it had been too long since I have actually blogged. I promise next time will be much more interesting. (written for the benefit of anyone reading this who is still awake after reading this far.)

I came really close to buying a treadmill over the weekend, but unfortunately, it was sold before I got back with the person, and now I am kicking myself over it. I would love, love, love, love to have a treadmill. I ran for years (pre-baby days) and I am starting to feel that yearning again, and to be able to do that at home, when I can, without having to find childcare or drive anywhere, that would be very blissfull. I have done the Billy Blanks Tae Bo foundations video
a few times now, and I really like it. I have been getting more sleep lately, since the baby has been sleeping all night almost every night for about a week and a half (Praise the Lord!!!) so I should have more energy in the morning, but every time I try to get up early to work out or get stuff done, I am so exhausted by noonish, I am crabby and worthless. I think I get my best quality sleep from about 4am to 8am. The problem is I rarely get to stay in bed until 8 am. Maybe I just need to stick it out and get into more of a routine, and once it becomes habitual, it won't be so bad. I do really want to get a treadmill, though. I am watching a few on ebay and keeping my eyes out on local sites, and really hoping something comes up soon. I need to start doing something, if not for my health and weight loss, than just for stress reduction. I swear I would be a nicer person if I had a punching bag in my closet. I hate to admit it, having railed against the Buchanan temper all my life, but I do have a twinge of it. Somewhere in my blood there courses the long lost genes of a fierce Scottish warrior, and it does get the best of me sometimes. I am praying that if it is the Lord's will, He will let me find a decently priced, good quality treadmill. Just imagining running in my bedroom, listening to Third Day, getting all the angst pushed out in sheer physical exhaustion.......this sounds heavenly.

This is a picture of the boys playing in the snow in Maine. As I sit here, with the window to my back, I can almost feel the happiness of my Georgia trees, as they are now covered with snow. It looks so beautiful outside. How lovely for the Lord to have given us this gift of winter "warmth" by sugaring our scenery. :)

I had great plans to get out my New Years Letter today. I was going to finish it on Saturday, stuff envelopes on Sunday, and mail it out today. Yeah, that didn't happen. I did have a wonderful, absolutely wonderful time on Saturday at the Ladies of Grace brunch. What a sweet and lovely hostess, she was thrilled to have us all invade her home, dirty up her beautiful dishes, and crowd her house all up. We had tea, coffee, muffins, fresh fruit, and her famous, to die for quiche. The company was delightful, there was a very timely devotional by a lovely Titus 2 woman who shared her heart and encouraged us to keep our eyes on the Lord, not on ourselves as we strive to meet our goals. I got to meet some new people, fellowship with others, and finally got to participate in the secret prayer pals. I don't know the woman whose name I picked at all, so I am excited to get to know her and pray for her. I have never gotten to go to this brunch before, and have wanted to every year since we started going to the church. It was worth the wait, and the entire lovely experience was sponsered by my dear and sacrificing friends who gave their time, their service and their love to allow me to go to this. I love them, and I am so thankful for them. Saturday afternoon the kids took great naps, and was able to finally finish organizing the playroom/school room/computer room. I got the bookshelves moved, the dress up clothes organized, all the toys and books gone through, the craft things organized, the toybox reduced, and the stacks of stuff on the shelves contained. May I just say that I am addicted to the cute little storage boxes from Big Lots. They are white, come in many different sizes, and are only $1.50-$3.00!!! I have 9 of them on my shelves right now and they work so well. They keep everything neat and contained and easy to take down. Anyway, so I got that all done, then made Claire's birthday cake and supper and got the rest of the house picked up. Nate's parents came over at 6 and we had a little (late) birthday celebration for Claire. She was so cute, eating chocolate cake for the first time and opening her presents. Big George had a cold, so they didn't stay too long. Nate moved the living room around so the loveseat is back in front of the tv. The living room looks so empty without the Christmas tree and decorations in it. I still don't have the pictures back up on the walls. My house seems somehow bereft, like I took away it's pretty scarf and it is standing in the cold looking at me accusingly, waiting for me to wrap it back up again, in something. That night I snuggled on the loveseat next to Nathan while he watched football, and that was where my trouble started.

Well, trouble, or lack of self control perhaps, would be a better term. You see, I am addicted........to books. I love them, I worship them, I exult in the written word, the feel of pages, the heavy thickness of a volume in my hands, pregnant with the promise of interesting vocabulary, entrancing storylines, surprising plot twists; The beauty and familiarity of the classics, the evocative lustre of modern books, the transendant ability of "the story" to take you to another place, blind you with sunlight late at night and make your nostrils curl, filled with the scent of a bonfire, listening to the crackle of twigs and logs succumbing to bright flames, while you are lying in bed. Take you to another plane of experience and teach you and show you things your mind never would have gone to otherwise. I lust after books, I need them, I yearn for them. There is a sense of peace in my soul that can only be achieved by holding a fat book in my hands and knowing that I have this "place" to go to, this small haven of imagination to retreat to. I totally suffer from abibliophobia (the fear of being without books).....I get seriously stressed out if I know I have no book to read-If I have read everything on my shelves numerous times recently, and I have nothing waiting for me when I am done reading whatever I am reading. Trips to the library are almost as good as trips to Starbucks for me. (I'll wax eloquent about my coffee addiction another time.) Now, don't get me wrong, I am a mother and wife first and I don't spend all my day reading, but just to know that when I am done my day, when I do have a few precious moments to sit and not be consumed with all the many things I have to be doing at that moment, a good book is waiting for me- that is a glorious feeling.

I have been slowly working my way through the Dickens novels. My brother-in-law gave me a beautiful copy of Great Expectations three years ago for Christmas. That started me re-interest in Dickens and I read that and quickly went on to Oliver Twist, Dombey and Son, Our Mutual Friend, Bleak House (Oh, Bleak House, lovely, lovely) The library does not have The Old Curiosity Shop, (appalling, I know) so I tried at this point to start The Pickwick Papers, and just couldn't get into it. So I read a few other series. I love Dickens, I think he is an absolute genious, but he's pretty heavy. So, interspersed with the Dickens novels, I usually read other books inbetween, and sometimes while, reading other ones. I had resolved to get through the Pickwick Papers, and started it last week sometime, after finishing books 4+5 of a series I started last year. I got about 200 pages in, and started to languish, so I thought I would get some "braincake" reading to distract me for awhile and then be able to go back to Pickwick and finish it. Here is where my aforementioned trouble comes in. I had heard from a few people that "The Time Travelers Wife" was a good one, (in the "braincake") category, so I got it from the library on Thursday. Saturday evening at about 10, sitting with Nathan on the loveseat I started to read it. I was almost immediately hooked, and tried to stop reading several times that night but couldn't stop until page 212 at about 12:30 or 1. Yesterday Claire slept in way late, (so Nate let me sleep in as well-I love that man!!) and by the time I, and the baby, had gotten up and around, church was out of the question. Nate was wanting to do something fun with the kids anyway, so we packed them up and went to a McDonalds with Hi-fi and an outside playground, and let them have a great time playing while we drank coffee and Nate looked online at work-from-home possibilities. We had a great time. Then we asked where they wanted to eat lunch and pizza was voted best, so we went to Stevie B's, where the whole family can eat salad, pizza, and ice cream for $17.12. Then we went home and all took a nap. When I woke up at 4ish (again, my wonderful husband let me sleep) I couldn't keep myself from starting to read again, and read off and on all afternoon and evening, interspersed with reading to the kids and fixing supper and getting the kids to bed. I knew I was getting sucked into the story too much, and should go to something else, but I just wanted to find out what happened. I finally finished the book at about 1, and not only felt tragically as if I had lost something (as I usually do when I finish a good book), but also so weighed down by what the story had reminded me of. It was a very strange love story that ended with the husband dying, tragically, sadly, unnecessarily. It just made me think of love, and loss, and the worst wrenching of the heart- to lose someone you love. It brought back all the fear of when I heard my mother was in the hospital, worry over Ian's stomach hurting him randomly recently, empathy over the families of friends who have died, and anxiety for the future. I just laid in bed with tears streaming down my face next to my sleeping husband and prayed for the Lord not to take away those people whom I love. I just don't see how I could handle it. I dreamed fitfully all night, of love and loss and strange combinations of the book I had just finished and real life worries. It was not a restful night. I know if I had paced myself and read that book over the whole week, it wouldn't have been like that, but when I read a book so quickly, I just become enmeshed in the story, and I have a hard time getting my mind out of it. All of that to say that when I sat down here to write the New Years letter that I should have gotten done this weekend, all I could think of was the heaviness in my heart, the wrenching of unwanted tears, and the fear of a future that contains real reason to cry. In short, completely the opposite of what I was blessed with Saturday morning at the brunch, completely the opposite of what I intended to convey in my letter, and completely the opposite of what the Lord wants me to keep my mind trained upon.

These thoughts are not habitual with me, I do fight (strenuously) to keep them from my daily ruminations, and I hate when I succumb to the burden of anxiety, and give these things a foothold. I am disappointed in myself, and I am struggling now to dig out of the pit that I have plunged myself into. I can not live my life, I can not achieve my goals, I can not love my family and neighbors as I should when I am in that place. So, now I am trying to get back to that place, that peace of mind that comes only by having my mind stayed (fixed, determinedly steadfast) on the Lord. Not on a silly story that sucked me in, not on the uncertainty of the future, or the grief of the past, but on the certainty that nothing, not height, nor depth, not principality, nor power, nothing can seperate me from the love of Jesus.

It is January...God's gift of mercy and chance for restitution after the decadence of December, (on a purely unspiritual level). I am sitting in the relative warmth of my front room, with the window at my back, showing me mostly green grass, striped with shadows thrown by a shameless sun, who apparently thinks that January has nothing whatsoever to do with chill and cold and dark retreat. A Southern sun. Being from the North, an intrinsic part of my nature rebels at this seemingly unnatural predeliction of the sun to radiate so brightly, so gloriously, in January, of all months. It seems proper to me, rather, for the sun to be shrouded in heavy clouds, (pregnant with fat snowflake babies) and secluded among the white and distant skies. It was good to be around that Northern sun for awhile. The sun rises there early, sparkling bright on the sugar white diamonds of snow covering the ground. Apparently it is a forgetful sun, as it seems to rise with the expectation of going strong for a full summer day. By noon, I think it has realized that it is outnumbered greatly by winter clouds, and sheepishly resigns itself to acting as a proper winter sun should-gleaming weakly, and retiring early. About 1 pm, the clouds nudge each other conspiratorily and wink at the sun, who is starting to yawn already from its earlier efforts at blazing across the sky. By 3, the sun's eyelids are already drooping, and it is sinking towards it's snowy bed. By 4, for all intents and purposes, it is sunset, and the buzzing, hyper stars are already starting to twinkle with excitement, impatient for the sun to succumb to its slumber so that they can take center stage. This took some getting used to, as I have grown accustomed to a few more hours of daylight, even in the grip of winter. It just served as an excuse to break out the puzzles and coffee earlier, though, and stretched the children's naps in the afternoon until almost suppertime. I did adjust well, especially as I was so thoroughly delighted with the amount of snow (in the sky, on the ground, all around) that any other "inconvenience" of winter was rendered completely trivial. On our journey north, we first saw snow as dirty banks piled along the roadsides, but the farther north we went, the more glorious it became. Heading into New England, the interstates have been carved out of sheer rock, so to either side of the road, great jagged cliffs rise up, with snow layered upon the rocky outcroppings. It started snowing in earnest as we entered New Hampshire, great, sticky gangs of snowflakes flurrying down in a mad rush to cover everything. It was enthralling. When we pulled into my parents dooryard, my mother (who is just cute anyway, but in a homemade knit hat with a green pom-pom on top looks almost munchkin like) had just finished shoveling a path through the snowdrift left by the plowtruck at the end of her driveway. The children were delighted to see the heavy, ponderous flakes covering their arms and outstretched hands as they were carried from the van into the house. I think Grace laughed outloud non-stop. It is just my personal opinion, that while unsullied fields of radiant white reflecting the sun are nice, and while tall banks of frosting-like snowbanks could make a person smile, and that watching swirling flakes of crystalline beauty fall onto your mittened hand, show their geometric perfection, and then melt magically is also a beautiful thing, that the true glory of snow is revealed best when it is adorning trees. Seeing pine trees in the winter without snow just seems uncomplete, like seeing a woman lovingly caress her husbands face, with a hand that wears no wedding ring. It is amazing the different caricatures trees will become under a disguising blanket of snow. Sometimes they look like tall, elegant ladies, with slender white fingers outstretched to display the finest, intricate, gauzy lace. Sometimes the trees look like giant, stout mountain men, covered with layers and layers of heavy coats and blankets, smiling down at you from beneath great white wooly caps, as they trudge slowly up the hillside under their warm burdens. I just think trees need snow like children need kisses. I have a lot more to write about our time in the snowy north, but for now, I must go feed (and kiss) my wild children.

Okay, to those of you who read my blog to catch up with what is going on with me and see how my kids are doing and all of that...(all three or four of you, heh) I am giving you permission to take the day off. I am just in need of getting some thoughts straight in my head, and this is the easiest medium I have to accomplish that in. I am not looking for comment or help, I am just needing the help I can attain through seeing my thoughts written down, and I feel it worth recording, for my own benefit in the future.

Nate and I had a long talk last night, and I feel we even made a bit of a breakthrough in our communication in that I finally accomplished my goal of getting him to "fight" with me, as opposed to his regular reaction when we "talk" which is to shrug his shoulders and mumble. We talked about a lot of different things, but the crux of it was that I really needed him to understand that his comments and implications and disappointments in me (which seem to have intensified as of late) were not entirely justified. I mean, the premise of him being upset with me was that he just thinks I could do better if I really tried, (at keeping the house clean, cooking gourmet meals, being thrifty with money, etc.) and while there are DEFINITELY times when I could do better, and need to do better at all of those things, and a myriad of other things, MOST of the time, I really am trying my best and doing the best I can in the circumstances I am in. I was not trying to justify mediocrity, or to give him a diatribe on "oh poor me, my life is so hard, blah, blah, blah" at all. My life is not hard, but it is complicated. And I just wished him to believe that I really do put forth quite an effort to do the best at what I have to do. The biggest point of contention we have in this arena is in the area of spending money. It seems that no matter how hard I try, no matter how long I spend searching Goodwill for second hand clothes for our family, no matter how much time I spend shopping deals, planning, hauling my four children to four or five different places because I can get the best deals on different things at different stores...he still finds fault, he still makes comments implying that I am frivolous, wasting money, not measuring up. I tried last night to help him to understand that I am doing the best I can. I don't really know if he believed me or not. That part of the discussin ended with him agreeing to sit down with me and for us to do a budget together, like I have been wishing to do for months. I think what hurts me in all of these areas is that I continually feel like I do not measure up, like he has this standard in his mind of what I should be like, and I never attain it, and he is continually reminding me of that. And what hurts is that he just assumes I am not even trying to attain it. I did get him to acknowledge that it would be fruitless and only cruel to continue to demean someone for putting forth their best effort. My contention is that most of the time, I AM putting forth my best effort, and my struggle is to get him to believe that, because he does not. I think in his mind, there is no basis of respect for me or of even acknowledging that I am competent enough to be given the benefit of the doubt that I would be doing the best I could be. And I don't know how to change this in his mind. I feel that I do, most of the time, give my best effort, but if that is not good enough, how can I try harder? I told him that while his opinion of me is the one on earth that matters the most, I still have to operate within the parameters of doing what I feel is right before the Lord for our family. I could keep a bit of a better home, I could have things neater and straighter more often, IF I set my children in front of tv for 6 hours a day, left the baby to cry in her crib, sent kids to kindergarten or preschool instead of homeschooling, but I don't feel those things are within the parameters of what the Lord wishes me to do. My first priority is not a spotless home. (Even if it were, I don't think it would be possible to attain that with the kids at the ages that I have right now anyway.) My first priority is the physical, spiritual and emotional health of my children. I don't feel that is negotiable, and I don't even feel that that is something Nate wants me to change, since he has been very encouraging in that area, and praised me before for my commitment to raising our children right. Sometimes, however, keeping true to that commitment means other areas don't receive the attention that he feels I should give them. It is a wonderful day when I can feed my kids healthy food all day long, keep them clean and cared for and played with and taught and keep up with the housework so that all is calm and clean and quiet when my husband comes home from work to a well planned and wonderful dinner. I love those days, but in reality, those days are few and far between. Most days I can keep things mostly picked up, and he comes home to neat (but not spotless) surroundings, a semi thrown together dinner (that is still healthy and good tasting) and five people who love him more than anyone else on earth, and are so very excited to see him, and I can't help but wonder, why can't that be good enough? I tried to make him understand, too, that I feel this is a season in our lives, and that it probably won't stay at this level of chaos forever. As the children get older and more independant, I can accomplish more, they can be accountable for more, and routines of doing things will get more polished and run more smoothly. But at the place we are at now, yes, it will be chaotic sometimes, it will be messy sometimes, it will not be what I would wish for as far as a perfect environment. In picking his brain last night, trying to get him to spell out for me exactly what he wanted, how different things make him feel and all that, he did say that he didn't know if it was right or not, but that when the house is a mess, he thinks less of me. When I don't get right up in the morning, he thinks less of me. No matter if the kids have been sick for a week, I have had a fever, had 20 errands to run, been up all night with teething children and crying toddlers, the circumstances do not enter into his immediate gut reaction of when he sees the house in disarray, sees me slow to get up, whatever it is, he thinks less of me. I don't know how to change this in his mind either, and it would be nice if I could just get it to not bother me as much. I told him last night that it is only because I love him so much that his opinion of me matters so much to me. It would just make my life so much easier if I didn't care what he thought of me, and I have tried to school my mind so that I do not, but to not much avail. I admit that it is a weakness of mine, and something I need to work on, to focus more on what the Lord thinks of me than on what anyone else thinks of me, even my husband. I have said before that I am glad my earthly relationships are not perfect because then I would feel less need of leaning on my Saviour, and maybe this is just something the Lord is using to turn my heart back towards His love and acceptance. I need to pray that I seek that more often instead of seeking the acceptance and approval of Nate, or of anyone here on earth. At one point he said that he feels like my reaction to his criticism is just to throw up my hands and quit, (instead of motivating me to do much better, as is his goal) and that that is what he hates most in himself, when he quits at something. When he feels like I have given up, he says it just makes him think I am a loser. ***Let me just say that I hate that I am affected by my past, but the truth is, that sometimes it is hard to escape the judgements of others once they have taken hold in your mind.** When he said this, it just made me think of when I was in high school, smoking, drinking, skipping class, sloughing off, and a teacher told a friend of mine (in trying to dissuade her from following that path) that I and our circle of friends were just losers who would never amount to anything in life. At that time, I was a loser, but now, I am living for the Lord, I am doing what is right, I am not sloughing off, and while it hurt my feelings when I heard that in high school when it was totally deserved, it hurts a whole lot more now to hear that from the person I have devoted my life to, whose children I have devoted my life to. And again, I don't know how to change in his mind the perception that I have given up, that I don't fight every day to keep up with all I should do and all he wants me to do. I did feel a small measure of success in that he was glad to hear from me that I did think I would get better at things as time went on. He said that reassured him that I didn't feel defeated and that I could attain better in the future. I am looking forward to doing the budget with him and hoping that will help me to do better, and maybe even help him to see better that I am doing a pretty good job now. After all of that last night, I don't feel we are in contention any longer. In a way, I feel more heavy in spirit than I did before, but in a strange way, a peace as well. I do feel a relief at having spelled out to him to the best of my ability many things that I have been ruminating on for awhile, and understanding better what goes on in his mind, and I am glad to actually have provoked a real, animated response from him. He said it made him feel better as well, and hopefully that will just further the chances of our communicating better in the future.

Here I finally am, sitting in front of my blogger compose page, where I visit so often in my mind, yet so infrequently in body. I have so many things I want to blog about, they are all fighting for preeminence in my mind and pushing my thoughts around in a blur. First of all, we had a lovely Thanksgiving and Buchan family Christmas. Scott and Mandi and my two beautiful nieces arrived on the 19th and left on the 27th. Ross came home for the weekend, and of course Karen and George and Caleb were here most of the time, too. We laughed, we took pictures, we shopped, we Starbucked, we lunched out, we grilled, we baked, we played games, we stayed up too late, we shed tears of happiness and remembrance with a tinge of grief, we chased children, we changed diapers, we hugged, we tree shopped, we gave, we received, we decorated, we caffienated, we loved. The time flew by so quickly, as it is wont to do when you are brimming with joy and busyness and being together. Every time we are all together as a family like that, it is a bit more comfortable, a bit more sweet, and a bit more bittersweet when we part. All of the many pieces of my heart that I have vested in family come back to rest with me when I am with them, and a brilliant but exuberant peace colors my outlook. To have a sister laugh and share with me, to have brothers that were not born next to me smile when I come into the room and tease back and forth with me, to have grinning children throw their pudgy arms around my neck, this is real living. When I left them at the airport, Lily gave me a hug and a kiss and said "I only had one kiss left, Aunt Charity, and I saved it for you." If my heart weren't already breaking, it would have at that. I love them all so much.

It hurts to give pieces of your heart away, to bestow the deep emotions on people, but the exultant joy of having them come back, with the piece of your heart so much bigger and brighter and fuller is worth all the pain of separation, and the aches when you miss them. I forget sometimes, in my stoic day to day coping with life, how much of my heart I have given away, and then I am always surprised when I am back with the dear friends and family who hold the tiny treasures of my love with them, just how much my investment has grown in their care. I too often forget that love cannot multiply if it is kept to oneself, and only when you give blindly and lavishly can you feel the yield of the commitment come back to you, and come back exponentially.

On an entirely different subject, may I just say that to know and to do the will of God is always a mighty and a heavy responsibility. I know that the majority of it is taken up in the day to day obedience of small decisions and quiet acquiescence to the Holy Spirit's prodding, but I too often take that for granted until I am faced with the choosing of a path, outside of the daily race of submission. Am I supposed even to be looking down that path? Am I seeking what is the truth, or merely seeking what will validate my truth, and justify a decision based in selfishness? When you feel God is silent, do you keep asking, or do you take the silence for an answer? In going over and over a particular issue with my husband, rolling over in my mind the same arguments again and again, he gave me pause by saying that it was basically a contentment issue. He would be content if we stayed on the path we were on, if we made that path the only one we could ever be on, or if we went on a different path. I realized then that in my heart, I have only been content with the path I am on, and my spirit rises in turmoil when I contemplate going on that different path. But, is that the leading of God, or the rearing of my selfish nature? Sometimes my deceitful heart confuses me so. How much can you look at the experience of others as a mark of where you should be? How much do you let circumstances dictate your decisions? These things are what I have been struggling with, and while I don't feel I have come to a place of God-led peace on the matter, I do feel a quietness now that I have recognized the lack of contentment over certain possibilities in our life. I feel a small peace in the answer "wait", and I am believing that God will guide me if He wants me to pursue a further course. In the end, my times are in His hands, and I will continue to strive to die daily to self so that my will is in His hands as well.

Nathan is in Florida right now with Dan for the National Pool and Spa convention. I think his leaving was made a bit easier because of the timing of it, since he left on the same day as our company, so all the goodbyes rolled together. Now I am here, with my children, missing everyone, but doing alright nonetheless. My Christmas tree is up, and it looks as wonderful as ever it does, crowded with mismatched homemade ornaments and tangled up, brightly colored lights. It is a riot of shiny color and remembrance, and it gives me such joy to just look at it. The cat and the children have undecorated and redecorated it several times, but it still looks to me as lovely as the most elegant and well appointed tree that ever graced a spotless home. It is homey and lopsided, but full of love and character and sweet, true pine scent, and I am so thankful for it. My favorite thing is to turn all the lights off and sit in the quiet after everyone is asleep and just look at the twinkling lights on the tree, reflecting in the red and silver balls, the silver garlands, the handmade ornaments from 25 years ago, and the ones from only a few years ago, with my children's pictures as babies, as toddlers. The one of Nate and my first Christmas together, where we both have these tentative smiles, I think wondering if spending the best holiday of the year with just this person we just married will really be as great as all the ones before spent in tradition with the families we have celebrated with forever. It was, and it has only gotten better since then.

Thursday's Thoughts....

Nate finally had time last night to put the keys back on the keyboard, which made me so happy, and now I can actually type without cursing in my head. It is finally feeling fallish here, and I don't remember the leaves being so brilliant before. They are just lovely. I suppose I should update on life, for the sake of posterity....

• George is done his first workbooks in school. He was so excited to finish them. He is also more than halfway done his Sparks book. He loves being able to do as much as he wants, instead of like Cubbies last year where they only learned one verse per week. We just started reading the Chronicles of Narnia together. He is getting excited for his "Spiderman" birthday, and is continually asking me how many days left until the big day, and also how long until he loses a tooth.
• Ian is doing well. He kind of goes in cycles with his behavior and emotional stability and right now is a good time. He is taking good naps in the afternoon again as well. He has started writing his name all by himself and he and Grace both are getting interested in letter sounds and the alphabet. I think I will start teaching them together next year.
• Grace is all potty trained, even for sleeping now, which is soooooo nice. She goes in cycles a bit, too, with her attitude being cranky or rebellious, then being so sweet and nice you don't believe it's the same girl. But, for the most part, she is doing well. I took her to the chiropractor and shopping with me today, we had fun together. If I could only get her to listen to her Daddy, we'd be doing well.
• Claire finally got that tooth in and actually slept last night the entire night!!!!! I can't remember the last time I got that much continuous rest, it was amazing. She is standing up by herself, but hasn't taken any steps yet, although I think it will be soon.
• I am starting to pull my hair out realizing that I need to have the bulk of my Christmas shopping done in the next 2 weeks, since we are having our Buchan family Christmas the weekend after Thanksgiving.
• We have our new shelving and desk up from Ikea (love it) but I still have to organize and put away and figure out the best place for everything. We totally reorganized our bedroom, moved everything, and now I totally love it, it is completely feng shui, and fabulous.
• I am recomitted to my fight against sugar...resisting it, that is. After fighting off a nasty and painful uti, I realized how much I have been eating unhealthfully, and not taking the time to plan and think about what I put in my mouth has not been working well for me. And now, thanks to Dr. Poli, (I resisted the urge to hug this genius man when I went to get adjusted this morning, but truly he is wonderful, for totally eliminating my pinched nerve shoulder pain and numbness) I feel I can get back into the routine of making my good bread, which will go a long way in the fight against sugar.
• I don't know the right way to say, in a considerate way, that I have been blessed through the life, example, and death of a friend. Not that her death was a blessing, it was a tragedy, a great injustice, and of the utmost bad timing-FROM AN EARTHLY PERSPECTIVE. Her life was full, her life was exemplary, her life was an incredible blessing, a needed blessing to her children, her husband, her family, her friends. Yet, God chose to take her home. From a Heavenly perspective, He folded His arms around her, and mercifully saved her from the pain she was in and took her into His perfect peace. He ended the cancer ravaging her body by taking her away from it. It was not the way any of us who loved her would have chosen her to be healed, but she is healed now, nonetheless. I went to her memorial service last Sunday, a celebration of this amazing woman's life, and a tribute to her faith, even in the valley of the shadow of death. The blessing for me personally was all the Lord has taught me through hearing of her life, of how she mothered, lived, loved, and yes, even how she chose to die- in the midst of heartache, struggle and unimaginable pain, she kept her eyes on her Saviour, and continued to praise Him. May I live each day choosing to do the same in the bounty of my comfort and peace, as she choose to do in the midst of her turmoil and pain. I am forever changed by her.
• I am working on a special project for my parents for Christmas, and hoping it all comes together well. If it does, it will be so incredible.
• I am so thankful for incredible Godly women in my life, (I am thinking of one in particular right now, who frequents a place called Espresso Lane) who are such sweet reflections to me of the quiet joy and love of the Lord. I got to spend the day with this friend a few days ago, and she is just one of the most beautiful (inside and out) people I know. I love being a friend and councellor to all the friends the Lord has placed in my life (not that I am qualified to council on much at all) but it is so nice to be with someone with whom the council, the conversation, the give and take feels more mutual. It is a relief to be myself with someone and not have to worry that they will be offended. I hope I do not take more than I give, although sometimes I am given so much, it feels all but impossible for me to give back equally what I have taken. I pray this friend knows how much I love her.

Wordless Wednesday...fall edition