There are some days, I feel encouraged, competent, confidant, enlightened, capable, like I've got it all under control. As time goes by, these days seem to be fleetingly fewer. Is this just the realization sinking in that I need, like I need air, to lean on the Only One Who really is in control, my Saviour? Or am I letting myself become burdened and discouraged, ensnared by the sins that so easily beset me? Now, every day, even the mountain top ones, I need to rely on my Lord, I need to seek His face, I need to bring every thought captive to Him....but how do I know when the pervading pall of incompetence I feel is from the Lord, brought to track my eyes back to God, or from the devil, seeking to deem my efforts as ultimately useless, so why try..? Or, do I really need to know?

Today I read some really encouraging things online, from the Choosing Home newsletter, really good, sweet, practical things. And instead of feeling inspired, I just felt far away. I subscribed to the newsletter because I felt I could identify with it, I stay at home, after all, I'm a full time Mama to my babies. But, the more I read of it, the more I realize how far away from them, and from the Biblical ideal I am. It seems as if the same sins keep dragging me down, the same efforts keep bringing minimal returns. What do I need to do? What do I need to change? How can I get there, or at least start really striving in the journey, from the dismal state I find myself in? I think I am not alone in wanting the quick fix, the magic key that will open the door to strength without reserve, wisdom without end, and quiet patience that never falters. I am committed to the journey and I love the path that I am on, but some days, it just seems like there must be some mistake, like God is going to look down and say "Oh, wait, did I really put HER in THAT spot? What was I thinking?' (Okay, I know that was extremely sacrilegious, but you know what I mean) And of course, this thought leads me back to what I know is true...that God does not make mistakes, that He knows the past and the future and exactly what is happening right now.....but that only brings it back to me...did I make a mistake? Should I have not gotten married and had children, and put myself in the position to be their primary caregiver? And of course, this just brings it back to God. Can He use our mistakes? Can He bring glory to Himself through even our worst human efforts? Can He guide and direct and keep His hand in the mix all the while we think we are affecting destiny? Of course. I know what the answer is here. It's the same answer that the still small voice of the Holy Spirit whispers in my dull of hearing ears so often: Seek My face. Stay faithful to what I have called you, and stop letting the world, the flesh and the devil take precedence over Me.

I too often spend more time analyzing my downfalls than working on righting them. I am such a visual person, though, I think it helps me to see it written out, spelled out clearly where my cloudy mind can grasp it. You know if God spoke to us through billboards, bright orange ones...like: HEY, CHARITY...QUIT SCREWING UP!!! NOW GO DO......whatever. Yeah, that would be good. Like I said, I'm just always looking for the easy way out.

On another note, this morning all three of my little munchkins were playing so sweetly and quietly here with me. Grace is big enough to stand up and look out the window in the computer room to her great delight. George has come up with a great new "pirate ship" game to play with the megabloks, and Ian is loving playing with his little cars, as usual. Although, this afternoon, he spent a long time looking at books on George's bed. Maybe it's days like this when it all seems borderline idyllic, and then I go and read something that just throws so much conviction at me, I don't know what to do. It was like...Oh, you thought you were doing well, well guess again!! I know there's always room for improvement, sometimes I just get overwhelmed with trying to think of anything I am doing "right." I guess I need to get my eyes off myself again and get them back on my Lord, huh? Well, laundry beckons, I must go.