Okay, to those of you who read my blog to catch up with what is going on with me and see how my kids are doing and all of that...(all three or four of you, heh) I am giving you permission to take the day off. I am just in need of getting some thoughts straight in my head, and this is the easiest medium I have to accomplish that in. I am not looking for comment or help, I am just needing the help I can attain through seeing my thoughts written down, and I feel it worth recording, for my own benefit in the future.

Nate and I had a long talk last night, and I feel we even made a bit of a breakthrough in our communication in that I finally accomplished my goal of getting him to "fight" with me, as opposed to his regular reaction when we "talk" which is to shrug his shoulders and mumble. We talked about a lot of different things, but the crux of it was that I really needed him to understand that his comments and implications and disappointments in me (which seem to have intensified as of late) were not entirely justified. I mean, the premise of him being upset with me was that he just thinks I could do better if I really tried, (at keeping the house clean, cooking gourmet meals, being thrifty with money, etc.) and while there are DEFINITELY times when I could do better, and need to do better at all of those things, and a myriad of other things, MOST of the time, I really am trying my best and doing the best I can in the circumstances I am in. I was not trying to justify mediocrity, or to give him a diatribe on "oh poor me, my life is so hard, blah, blah, blah" at all. My life is not hard, but it is complicated. And I just wished him to believe that I really do put forth quite an effort to do the best at what I have to do. The biggest point of contention we have in this arena is in the area of spending money. It seems that no matter how hard I try, no matter how long I spend searching Goodwill for second hand clothes for our family, no matter how much time I spend shopping deals, planning, hauling my four children to four or five different places because I can get the best deals on different things at different stores...he still finds fault, he still makes comments implying that I am frivolous, wasting money, not measuring up. I tried last night to help him to understand that I am doing the best I can. I don't really know if he believed me or not. That part of the discussin ended with him agreeing to sit down with me and for us to do a budget together, like I have been wishing to do for months. I think what hurts me in all of these areas is that I continually feel like I do not measure up, like he has this standard in his mind of what I should be like, and I never attain it, and he is continually reminding me of that. And what hurts is that he just assumes I am not even trying to attain it. I did get him to acknowledge that it would be fruitless and only cruel to continue to demean someone for putting forth their best effort. My contention is that most of the time, I AM putting forth my best effort, and my struggle is to get him to believe that, because he does not. I think in his mind, there is no basis of respect for me or of even acknowledging that I am competent enough to be given the benefit of the doubt that I would be doing the best I could be. And I don't know how to change this in his mind. I feel that I do, most of the time, give my best effort, but if that is not good enough, how can I try harder? I told him that while his opinion of me is the one on earth that matters the most, I still have to operate within the parameters of doing what I feel is right before the Lord for our family. I could keep a bit of a better home, I could have things neater and straighter more often, IF I set my children in front of tv for 6 hours a day, left the baby to cry in her crib, sent kids to kindergarten or preschool instead of homeschooling, but I don't feel those things are within the parameters of what the Lord wishes me to do. My first priority is not a spotless home. (Even if it were, I don't think it would be possible to attain that with the kids at the ages that I have right now anyway.) My first priority is the physical, spiritual and emotional health of my children. I don't feel that is negotiable, and I don't even feel that that is something Nate wants me to change, since he has been very encouraging in that area, and praised me before for my commitment to raising our children right. Sometimes, however, keeping true to that commitment means other areas don't receive the attention that he feels I should give them. It is a wonderful day when I can feed my kids healthy food all day long, keep them clean and cared for and played with and taught and keep up with the housework so that all is calm and clean and quiet when my husband comes home from work to a well planned and wonderful dinner. I love those days, but in reality, those days are few and far between. Most days I can keep things mostly picked up, and he comes home to neat (but not spotless) surroundings, a semi thrown together dinner (that is still healthy and good tasting) and five people who love him more than anyone else on earth, and are so very excited to see him, and I can't help but wonder, why can't that be good enough? I tried to make him understand, too, that I feel this is a season in our lives, and that it probably won't stay at this level of chaos forever. As the children get older and more independant, I can accomplish more, they can be accountable for more, and routines of doing things will get more polished and run more smoothly. But at the place we are at now, yes, it will be chaotic sometimes, it will be messy sometimes, it will not be what I would wish for as far as a perfect environment. In picking his brain last night, trying to get him to spell out for me exactly what he wanted, how different things make him feel and all that, he did say that he didn't know if it was right or not, but that when the house is a mess, he thinks less of me. When I don't get right up in the morning, he thinks less of me. No matter if the kids have been sick for a week, I have had a fever, had 20 errands to run, been up all night with teething children and crying toddlers, the circumstances do not enter into his immediate gut reaction of when he sees the house in disarray, sees me slow to get up, whatever it is, he thinks less of me. I don't know how to change this in his mind either, and it would be nice if I could just get it to not bother me as much. I told him last night that it is only because I love him so much that his opinion of me matters so much to me. It would just make my life so much easier if I didn't care what he thought of me, and I have tried to school my mind so that I do not, but to not much avail. I admit that it is a weakness of mine, and something I need to work on, to focus more on what the Lord thinks of me than on what anyone else thinks of me, even my husband. I have said before that I am glad my earthly relationships are not perfect because then I would feel less need of leaning on my Saviour, and maybe this is just something the Lord is using to turn my heart back towards His love and acceptance. I need to pray that I seek that more often instead of seeking the acceptance and approval of Nate, or of anyone here on earth. At one point he said that he feels like my reaction to his criticism is just to throw up my hands and quit, (instead of motivating me to do much better, as is his goal) and that that is what he hates most in himself, when he quits at something. When he feels like I have given up, he says it just makes him think I am a loser. ***Let me just say that I hate that I am affected by my past, but the truth is, that sometimes it is hard to escape the judgements of others once they have taken hold in your mind.** When he said this, it just made me think of when I was in high school, smoking, drinking, skipping class, sloughing off, and a teacher told a friend of mine (in trying to dissuade her from following that path) that I and our circle of friends were just losers who would never amount to anything in life. At that time, I was a loser, but now, I am living for the Lord, I am doing what is right, I am not sloughing off, and while it hurt my feelings when I heard that in high school when it was totally deserved, it hurts a whole lot more now to hear that from the person I have devoted my life to, whose children I have devoted my life to. And again, I don't know how to change in his mind the perception that I have given up, that I don't fight every day to keep up with all I should do and all he wants me to do. I did feel a small measure of success in that he was glad to hear from me that I did think I would get better at things as time went on. He said that reassured him that I didn't feel defeated and that I could attain better in the future. I am looking forward to doing the budget with him and hoping that will help me to do better, and maybe even help him to see better that I am doing a pretty good job now. After all of that last night, I don't feel we are in contention any longer. In a way, I feel more heavy in spirit than I did before, but in a strange way, a peace as well. I do feel a relief at having spelled out to him to the best of my ability many things that I have been ruminating on for awhile, and understanding better what goes on in his mind, and I am glad to actually have provoked a real, animated response from him. He said it made him feel better as well, and hopefully that will just further the chances of our communicating better in the future.

Here I finally am, sitting in front of my blogger compose page, where I visit so often in my mind, yet so infrequently in body. I have so many things I want to blog about, they are all fighting for preeminence in my mind and pushing my thoughts around in a blur. First of all, we had a lovely Thanksgiving and Buchan family Christmas. Scott and Mandi and my two beautiful nieces arrived on the 19th and left on the 27th. Ross came home for the weekend, and of course Karen and George and Caleb were here most of the time, too. We laughed, we took pictures, we shopped, we Starbucked, we lunched out, we grilled, we baked, we played games, we stayed up too late, we shed tears of happiness and remembrance with a tinge of grief, we chased children, we changed diapers, we hugged, we tree shopped, we gave, we received, we decorated, we caffienated, we loved. The time flew by so quickly, as it is wont to do when you are brimming with joy and busyness and being together. Every time we are all together as a family like that, it is a bit more comfortable, a bit more sweet, and a bit more bittersweet when we part. All of the many pieces of my heart that I have vested in family come back to rest with me when I am with them, and a brilliant but exuberant peace colors my outlook. To have a sister laugh and share with me, to have brothers that were not born next to me smile when I come into the room and tease back and forth with me, to have grinning children throw their pudgy arms around my neck, this is real living. When I left them at the airport, Lily gave me a hug and a kiss and said "I only had one kiss left, Aunt Charity, and I saved it for you." If my heart weren't already breaking, it would have at that. I love them all so much.

It hurts to give pieces of your heart away, to bestow the deep emotions on people, but the exultant joy of having them come back, with the piece of your heart so much bigger and brighter and fuller is worth all the pain of separation, and the aches when you miss them. I forget sometimes, in my stoic day to day coping with life, how much of my heart I have given away, and then I am always surprised when I am back with the dear friends and family who hold the tiny treasures of my love with them, just how much my investment has grown in their care. I too often forget that love cannot multiply if it is kept to oneself, and only when you give blindly and lavishly can you feel the yield of the commitment come back to you, and come back exponentially.

On an entirely different subject, may I just say that to know and to do the will of God is always a mighty and a heavy responsibility. I know that the majority of it is taken up in the day to day obedience of small decisions and quiet acquiescence to the Holy Spirit's prodding, but I too often take that for granted until I am faced with the choosing of a path, outside of the daily race of submission. Am I supposed even to be looking down that path? Am I seeking what is the truth, or merely seeking what will validate my truth, and justify a decision based in selfishness? When you feel God is silent, do you keep asking, or do you take the silence for an answer? In going over and over a particular issue with my husband, rolling over in my mind the same arguments again and again, he gave me pause by saying that it was basically a contentment issue. He would be content if we stayed on the path we were on, if we made that path the only one we could ever be on, or if we went on a different path. I realized then that in my heart, I have only been content with the path I am on, and my spirit rises in turmoil when I contemplate going on that different path. But, is that the leading of God, or the rearing of my selfish nature? Sometimes my deceitful heart confuses me so. How much can you look at the experience of others as a mark of where you should be? How much do you let circumstances dictate your decisions? These things are what I have been struggling with, and while I don't feel I have come to a place of God-led peace on the matter, I do feel a quietness now that I have recognized the lack of contentment over certain possibilities in our life. I feel a small peace in the answer "wait", and I am believing that God will guide me if He wants me to pursue a further course. In the end, my times are in His hands, and I will continue to strive to die daily to self so that my will is in His hands as well.

Nathan is in Florida right now with Dan for the National Pool and Spa convention. I think his leaving was made a bit easier because of the timing of it, since he left on the same day as our company, so all the goodbyes rolled together. Now I am here, with my children, missing everyone, but doing alright nonetheless. My Christmas tree is up, and it looks as wonderful as ever it does, crowded with mismatched homemade ornaments and tangled up, brightly colored lights. It is a riot of shiny color and remembrance, and it gives me such joy to just look at it. The cat and the children have undecorated and redecorated it several times, but it still looks to me as lovely as the most elegant and well appointed tree that ever graced a spotless home. It is homey and lopsided, but full of love and character and sweet, true pine scent, and I am so thankful for it. My favorite thing is to turn all the lights off and sit in the quiet after everyone is asleep and just look at the twinkling lights on the tree, reflecting in the red and silver balls, the silver garlands, the handmade ornaments from 25 years ago, and the ones from only a few years ago, with my children's pictures as babies, as toddlers. The one of Nate and my first Christmas together, where we both have these tentative smiles, I think wondering if spending the best holiday of the year with just this person we just married will really be as great as all the ones before spent in tradition with the families we have celebrated with forever. It was, and it has only gotten better since then.

Thursday's Thoughts....

Nate finally had time last night to put the keys back on the keyboard, which made me so happy, and now I can actually type without cursing in my head. It is finally feeling fallish here, and I don't remember the leaves being so brilliant before. They are just lovely. I suppose I should update on life, for the sake of posterity....

• George is done his first workbooks in school. He was so excited to finish them. He is also more than halfway done his Sparks book. He loves being able to do as much as he wants, instead of like Cubbies last year where they only learned one verse per week. We just started reading the Chronicles of Narnia together. He is getting excited for his "Spiderman" birthday, and is continually asking me how many days left until the big day, and also how long until he loses a tooth.
• Ian is doing well. He kind of goes in cycles with his behavior and emotional stability and right now is a good time. He is taking good naps in the afternoon again as well. He has started writing his name all by himself and he and Grace both are getting interested in letter sounds and the alphabet. I think I will start teaching them together next year.
• Grace is all potty trained, even for sleeping now, which is soooooo nice. She goes in cycles a bit, too, with her attitude being cranky or rebellious, then being so sweet and nice you don't believe it's the same girl. But, for the most part, she is doing well. I took her to the chiropractor and shopping with me today, we had fun together. If I could only get her to listen to her Daddy, we'd be doing well.
• Claire finally got that tooth in and actually slept last night the entire night!!!!! I can't remember the last time I got that much continuous rest, it was amazing. She is standing up by herself, but hasn't taken any steps yet, although I think it will be soon.
• I am starting to pull my hair out realizing that I need to have the bulk of my Christmas shopping done in the next 2 weeks, since we are having our Buchan family Christmas the weekend after Thanksgiving.
• We have our new shelving and desk up from Ikea (love it) but I still have to organize and put away and figure out the best place for everything. We totally reorganized our bedroom, moved everything, and now I totally love it, it is completely feng shui, and fabulous.
• I am recomitted to my fight against sugar...resisting it, that is. After fighting off a nasty and painful uti, I realized how much I have been eating unhealthfully, and not taking the time to plan and think about what I put in my mouth has not been working well for me. And now, thanks to Dr. Poli, (I resisted the urge to hug this genius man when I went to get adjusted this morning, but truly he is wonderful, for totally eliminating my pinched nerve shoulder pain and numbness) I feel I can get back into the routine of making my good bread, which will go a long way in the fight against sugar.
• I don't know the right way to say, in a considerate way, that I have been blessed through the life, example, and death of a friend. Not that her death was a blessing, it was a tragedy, a great injustice, and of the utmost bad timing-FROM AN EARTHLY PERSPECTIVE. Her life was full, her life was exemplary, her life was an incredible blessing, a needed blessing to her children, her husband, her family, her friends. Yet, God chose to take her home. From a Heavenly perspective, He folded His arms around her, and mercifully saved her from the pain she was in and took her into His perfect peace. He ended the cancer ravaging her body by taking her away from it. It was not the way any of us who loved her would have chosen her to be healed, but she is healed now, nonetheless. I went to her memorial service last Sunday, a celebration of this amazing woman's life, and a tribute to her faith, even in the valley of the shadow of death. The blessing for me personally was all the Lord has taught me through hearing of her life, of how she mothered, lived, loved, and yes, even how she chose to die- in the midst of heartache, struggle and unimaginable pain, she kept her eyes on her Saviour, and continued to praise Him. May I live each day choosing to do the same in the bounty of my comfort and peace, as she choose to do in the midst of her turmoil and pain. I am forever changed by her.
• I am working on a special project for my parents for Christmas, and hoping it all comes together well. If it does, it will be so incredible.
• I am so thankful for incredible Godly women in my life, (I am thinking of one in particular right now, who frequents a place called Espresso Lane) who are such sweet reflections to me of the quiet joy and love of the Lord. I got to spend the day with this friend a few days ago, and she is just one of the most beautiful (inside and out) people I know. I love being a friend and councellor to all the friends the Lord has placed in my life (not that I am qualified to council on much at all) but it is so nice to be with someone with whom the council, the conversation, the give and take feels more mutual. It is a relief to be myself with someone and not have to worry that they will be offended. I hope I do not take more than I give, although sometimes I am given so much, it feels all but impossible for me to give back equally what I have taken. I pray this friend knows how much I love her.

Wordless Wednesday...fall edition

So, I really have not given up on blogging, it's just been a while and Grace somehow took some letters off of the keyboard and I haven't been able to get them back in, so that has hindered my writing. The boys are actually taking a nap in the same room and both quiet, wonder of wonders!! That is a great blessing. Ian's frenetic excitement has gotten worse lately, sometimes it seems he is just incapable of calming himself down, and when he is supposed to be taking a nap, (which he needs) and he knows George is in there with him, he just wants to play. Thus we end up with two overtired boys, and one stressed out Mama. So, the fact that they are both sleeping in there today is wonderful.

It is finally starting to feel a little fallish out, with a breeze holding a hint of briskness to it, and the leaves changing and falling a bit. I miss real fall, real, stark chill in the air, crunching through early morning grass that still holds the frost tightly, and being surrounded by a riot of colors everywhere you look. The smell of dry hay and wet leaves in the air; the sound of orange and purple and red leaves skittering across a dirt road, curled upon themselves until you crunch them slowly under your feet. Fall has always seemed a time of heightened senses to me, just the color and smell and sound and feel of it all becoming so much more vibrant. After a summer dulled by muggy heat and languid days in water with your senses blending together, and before a retreat from the bitter white world of winter, into the closeness of treasured heat and rest, fall has always seemed the time of one last big stretch outward from yourself, where God stretches His hand forth and paints the trees while you are sleeping one night, and when you wake to a world of deepening color and bright sound, of earthy smells so familiar and yet so new, you can only exult in the richness and praise Him for being a God of continual creation.

I guess people naturally compare their present surrounding with that which they come from, for we cling to what we know, what we've done, where we grew up, as kind of an unconsious standard by which all other experiences are compared. For me, that place, that setting, is a small town in Maine, a dirt road, a big old farmhouse, the memory of seasons past. I can't help but see all in front of me through the filter of what is behind, what I look back on now as good and right and fulfilled surroundings. If I close my eyes now, I can picture myself standing in front of my grandparents house in October. The wind is blowing my hair, making goosebumps stand up on my neck. I can smell the smoke from the chimney, and still feel the pressure of the gnarled wood on my arms from when I filled the woodbox hours earlier. I start to walk up the side of the road, scooting the piles of leaves with my toes as I go. The three tall trees in front of the greenhouse are still bright orange, although in the lower branches, the leaves are darker, duller, getting ready to fall. Over in the garden, almost everything is dried and harvested, although there are still a few gourds and pumpkins among the spiny vines. The small apple tree in front of the barn still has a few tart, rosy apples clinging to the branches, and as I get nearer the tree my nostrils fill with the dusky aroma of the apples fallen and past on the ground beneath the tree. The wild turkeys have eaten some of them, there are less today then there have been. All the animals do well this time of year, I see, as the bird and squirrel feeders boast full ears of dried corn and suet hangs in the pine at the end of the lawn. The deer never venture this near the house, but if you sit still long enough on the lawn, you can see them coming out to feed in the lower fields, just flashes of tawny brown among the darker browns of the tall grasses, uncut and left to seed. The wind is picking up again, making little whirlwinds of fallen leaves on the road, and the deer straighten their ears as they pick up my scent, freeze, then dart into the woods. It's time to go in, anyway, the sky is starting to reflect the colors of the trees, and darkness is rising quickly from the ground, only the tops of the trees now showing any color as the landscape becomes a sillhouete of shadow against the brilliance of the sky and the glory of God moves to another realm.

I know I am blessed, immeasurably blessed in so very many ways. My sinful heart too often loses sight of that fact, and I know I take it all for granted. Nate came home early, like before 7, the night that I wrote my last post. And, as always, he was wonderful. He played with the children, he helped put them to bed, he was comforting and sweet and helpful. I don't deserve that. My faithless heart doesn't deserve that. And it made me realize that my struggles as of late have NOTHING to do with him being home or not, and everything to do with my discontented spirit. My wrongly placed focus on myself, and on lies that I choose to believe, from my deceitful heart, from the world, and from the devil. And, like everyone, it is my responsiblity every day to choose to dwell on that which is lovely, that which is true, -that which is from the Lord.

We go through cycles every year. Busy season, slow season, spring, summer, fall, winter. And every year my mind goes through patterns of thinking that I recognize, sometimes have to guard against, sometimes rejoice in. But, for some reason, this year has been different. I don't know if it is just that the busy season/slow season line has blurred almost to indistinction or if I am just struggling with some hormonal/depression type patterns of thinking creeping into my mind, or what. Usually at the beginning of the year, we've just had a lot of time with Nate, big Christmas vacation, he usually is able to take a day off every week, and be home for supper most of the time. This is a good time for me mentally. I'm used to having him home enough by then that I don't have any of the "letting him be in charge" angst anymore, and we've usually been able to talk and be together as a family a lot by then. Not too long after this, though, starts the beginning of "busy season." In the pool world, (that we live in), this starts as early as February and goes strong until about the end of August. Gearing up for this every year is a struggle, but in some ways, as I get more used to it and learn better ways to deal with it all, it has been a bit easier. The beginning of this year was much like other years. I dreaded all the time Nate would be gone, the lonely nights, the lack of communication, the sheer exhaustion-physically, but more mentally and emotionally- of parenting lots of little kids on my own. BUT, I knew that it was just for a season, that I had the opportunity before me, as I do every year, to try harder to be a blessing to my husband when he is home, to help him in any way that I can, and to be a good Mama to my children. This year was a bit more of a challenge, though, since in building the new store in Newnan (beginning last fall and ending in the early spring this year), his "slow season" wasn't actually very slow, so we didn't have as much time, communication, or memories stored up to last us the really busy part of the year as we usually do. This spring and summer seemed to be even busier for him, and I know the demands of his job are enormous. For him to do his job well, he has to work as much as he does. I know this, and I want him to do the work the Lord has called him to, to the best of his ability. We were able to have some more time together as a family than we usually do, with the unexpected trip up to MN, and the family vacation trip to MN. But, when he's been gone from us for so often, it's almost like the time we do have to spend together after that is spent half in getting used to having this "stranger" around, and to treating him like the husband and daddy he is. I hate that for him, and I hate that for us. Now, it's back to work as usual, and this "slow season" will be busier than last year even, since they are opening a new building replacing an older one of their stores.

And now for what I began writing to say...I feel my heart leaving him more now than ever before, and it scares me. I think I feel like instead of gearing up to "get through" the busy season when he is gone 16 hours a day and only sees the children on Sundays, on to the slower season when we do see him more, that now, there is no end in sight. I feel like what I work so hard every year to "endure" and to make the most of (mainly through reminding myself that it is only for a time and it is ending soon) now has become the norm, and there is no end in sight.

Sometimes, I feel like a strong woman, like I am resting in the strength of the Lord, leaning on His provision, trusting His chosen path for me, and able to get done what I need to in some semblance of order and balance. But, this is not how I usually feel, and it is not how I have felt in a long time. I find my mind wandering more and more often to thoughts of leaving, of changing our lifestyle, and of dwelling on how much I need, instead of making the most of how much I already have. I had a very vivid daydream at some point this summer, and it keeps haunting my thoughts. I imagined Nathan had died, and I was at his funeral. I had my children around me, and the owner of the company Nate works for came up to speak to me, offer his condolences, I suppose. I imagined what I would say to him, even imagined slapping him across the face, and telling him how much I hated and resented him because my husband, my children's father, gave him so much infinitely more of himself (Nate) than he (Nate) ever gave us. I know that is absurd, the whole daydream was absurd, but now I feel like it has latched onto my thinking and I can't get away from it. I know it is fraught with selfishness and sinfulness, in my head, I know this, but this mentality of discontent, of almost despairing, continues to grow in my heart.

To hear me talk, it sounds as if I thought that the end to all my problems would be if my husband were home more. I know that is not true. Maybe it's just a convenient thing I keep pinning my failures on- "well, I would do so much better if.." and I fill in the blank with an impossible situation- Nate being home more. Because I know that while he is at the job he is, (and I don't see him leaving, perhaps ever) it is impossible for him to be home more, and as time goes on, I know it could even get worse. Maybe I am just having a hard time with change, the change from our old routine of him being basically gone half the year, around more the other half, to him being basically gone for most of the year, and now I feel like it is only changing further, him gone more, and with us less.

I know it wouldn't be so hard to have him gone, if he weren't so great when he is here. He is an amazing father, an incredible husband, a wonderful man. He is plugged in, he is playing with the kids, he is helping me, and being with us, and at those times, I feel like the jagged pieces of my heart have healed, that all is as it should be, and my fears and failures seem to dim, I get more encouraged, more energized, more able to do what I need to, and to enjoy it. I know this is mostly because when he is not here, there are days when I feel the walls closing in, like I am here, caring for my children, keeping my home, but unable to do anything well, and like there is no one who cares or even sees to keep me on the right track. There are days when I am afraid for my children to be around me, when I know my best is awful and they are getting the brunt of it. I feel isolated, trapped in a situation whose outcome is of the utmost importance, but one that I do not possess the skills to get through victoriously, or even well. I just feel like I can't do this on my own, and the only one who could be doing it with me, or helping me, or even asking me and keeping up with how I am doing it, is unable to.

So is this just a phase, do I just need to snap out of it, buck up and get over myself? I don't think I have a choice anyway. My path is here, my responsiblities lie before my feet, and my actions need to be consistent, I know, even if my emotions and my mind are far from where they should be. And I know, again, in my head but not so much in my heart, that I need to just rely on the Lord more. I know there are many women, in situation so much worse than mine, that are just shining examples of how you live well, mother well, and make the most of all you have. Have I grown something in my thinking somewhere that has made my mindset so fundamentally wrong that I sabotage myself, no matter what my situation is? I don't know. I just know I feel tired, I feel bleak, and I don't see how to stop feeling this way, and it terrifies me the effect my dismal failure at motherhood will have on my precious children. Don't they deserve better than this, better than me? I know they do, and I just don't feel up to the fight to give them better.

There are days when I feel my head is above water. Not much, like my chin is still wet, but you know, barely above. Most days, I don't even try to tread, I just get through the seaweed as best I can, and hope that the next day I will be able to find a rock to stand on. I think when you live in a state of perpetual "just-barely-keeping-up" it is doubly hard to get back to barely above water when ANYTHING extra happens to get you behind. Almost as soon as we got back from MN, I got really sick, and so, of course, got even more behind on my day to day, let alone anything beyond that. So I feel as if I am fighting an uphill battle just to get back to being barely keeping up so I can try to fight another battle to get beyond that. Sigh. Sometimes it is so discouraging. I saw a friend in Wal-mart the other day who has two little girls, one is about 17 months old, and one is about 3 months old. She said she doesn't know how I do it with 4. I told her I only do it (and do it badly) because I have no choice. She said she feels like she is just feeding and changing and cleaning up after them all the time. I said I feel the same way, and she kind of goggled at me that it doesn't change even when they are a bit older. I keep thinking that one of these days, things will begin to get a bit easier, I will get better at all the things I have to do, or things will click a bit better so I can get beyond it to more, but I just don't know if that is going to happen. Invariably, as they get older, the challenges will change, will probably grow, and who knows? Maybe in 3 years, I'll be thinking I should have done more NOW, because I am so much busier then. Times like this just really make me question if God really knows what He's doing, in putting me where I am, in giving me the children and challenges He has given me. BUT, I know He does know, and I know He will continue to know, as He lays things in my path. I said to a friend the other day "The only thing we know for sure is that God is in control." I think I need to remind myself of that more often.

I've been blessed...

...by Zoe, and I love this....

Charity,
May the One who created all things bless your home
In your comings and goings may you be safe
May all who enter your home do so in peace
May all who enter there receive the blessings of Love and Harmony
May all who reside within those walls be kept safe from the snares of the fallen ones
May Light reside in your Home,
shining through the windows as a beacon for all who are lost and weary
May servants of The Creator circle your home providing protection and peace

I suppose I should officially document our great travels cross-country, and in fact while we were gone I was totally blog-composing in my head thinking what I was going to write when I got back, BUT, then we got back, I got a raging fever, was delirious out of my mind, sick as a dog, convinced I was a rabbit (see "delirious" above) dizzy, nauseated, and too weak to open a bottle of gatorode by myself, so my great thought train kind of got derailed. Thankfully, I am on the upswing now, and itching to get back to life. Actually I am itching to get on to the next phase of life, which, in my mind started after our vacation ended. The phase in which tv and movies are not a part of my childrens days, the phase in which we start George's first grade and Awana Sparks, the phase where Grace gets potty trained and pacifier-less, the phase where I decide whether or not Ian will go to Awana this year and what, if anything, to do with him school-wise, the phase where I get my computer/play/school room spit-spot organized. I feel a bit like Anne (of Green Gables) saying "Tommorow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it." What paralyzes me is the fear of the potential mistakes, I suppose, but all in all, I am excited. I finally got myself used to the idea that for the second "slow season" in a row, Nate would not be really getting much more time off, because they are opening yet another store. It's okay, though, really, I almost do better in my groove without him than when I have to adjust to handing over the parental controls again and learning to deal with the kids as a co-parent. We had some adjustment periods while on vacation, as always, just because that is almost the only time the kids have us both around day to day. For the most part, though, that was fine, and we had some profitable discussions because of it, so I was thankful. Well, I'd better hurry up and write about the vacation before I babble myself to death here.

We left on Friday, the 17th, a little later than I had wanted to, but fine all the same. Nate drove first, then I took over when it got into the late night/early morning. (Being a night owl has it's advantages, especially when you are road-tripping. After I drove 8 hours all night on our first trip up to MN, Big George said I should have been a trucker. Now that would be fun. But, I digress..) The tone of the time together in the van this time was different, obviously, since last time there was a spirit of grief, of hurry, and slightly of the attitude you get when you have no choice but to do something, so you automatically make the best of it. This time there was an air of suppressed excitement, of relaxed good humor as we were all looking forward to being up there. We arrived in Bemidji at about 10 pm Saturday evening to Scott and Mandi's open arms, (well, they had pizza in their hands) and smiles all around. Thus began a wonderful week of family fun, relaxing, fun firsts for the kids, laughter, getting to know each other better, and enjoying our surroundings. I will try to factually detail the days, for the sake of my poor memory.

• Sunday we went to church, had lunch, played, napped, and in the evening, Karen and I went with Mandi to a "splurge party" for her birthday, at a store in the mall, and then out for dessert with Mandi's girlfriends. Highlights of the day: Scott and Mandi's pastor doing an Indiana Jones imitation, drinking Highlander Grogg coffee at church, seeing Ross in his ready-for-Pensacola-duds, watching Karen have fun trying on clothes while simultaneously pretending she was too mature to be enjoying herself.
• Monday was kind of cold and rainy. We were all staying in cabins at Camp Oak Hills around the big dining hall, which became our central meeting spot/meal place/game corner/kid's playland/laundry room, and we spent a lot of time there. Highlights: wearing the sweatshirt I got on Kohl's 75% off clearance last year, watching my kids play with their cousins, and learning speed scrabble-I am totally addicted now. I think this was also the night of the Buchan brother's car race in which they named and bracketed all the little hot wheels cars the kids played with all day and had double elimination distance races. It is just too funny to watch four grown men completely relive their childhood, and still manage to act macho about it. For the record, Caleb was the grand champion with Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
• Tuesday was our anniversary and was such a great fun day for me. I hope everyone else enjoyed it as much. It was all highlights. After a fantabulous breakfast cooked by Scott, Mandi took Karen and I downtown to walk around and to Cantabria coffee where I got a white chocolate cocoa, which I sipped on the way to my pedicure appt. - my birthday present from my incredible sister-in-law. After my fabulous pedicure, I walked my cute toes (which were painted "EdinBurgandy" and looked so great with my white yoga shirt with the word Simplify in black script on it and my Old Navy linen oh-so-comfy black skirt which is as big as a 12 in any other brand, but the label says 6) back down the streets of Bemidji and into some great gift shops, where I bought a little birch bark canoe for a souvenier. We got back to camp in time for lunch, then later that day, Nate and I went out to dinner at a local restaurant courtesy of Scott and Mandi. (If you are ever in Bemidji, go to the Green Mill!!) It was a great day.
• Wednesday, we went to see the big statue of Paul Bunyon and Babe, rode a little train around the park, went gift shopping, and went to Animal Land, where you can feed goats and tame deer while they are walking all around you, feed bear, lion, cougar, tiger, tiger, camel and a host of other wild animals in cages very close to you. It was so much fun, and I got some great pictures. That night we had the Buchan birthday party and gave gifts for the August to November birthdays. Highlights: watching the kids with the animals, giving presents.
• Thursday was our water day, as it was the only day that was predominantly sunny, nice and warm. We went swimming, water-skiing, boating, canoeing, kayaking, made sand castles, and went fishing. We were walking distance away from Lake Bemidji and had the camp's (and Scott's) water craft at our disposal. Everyone had a fabulous time. Thursday was also our fish fry supper. Mandi's friend Misty and her mom and stepdad joined us for supper. Highlights of the day: watching the kids play in the water, big kids and little kids, seeing George so excited about fishing, watching Lily do her American Idol impression, and best highlight of the whole trip- Nate rowed me out to the middle of the lake at about 10 pm and I swam in the beautiful, bracing water for 20 minutes while he fished. It was exhilarating.
• Friday, Mandi was watching two little kids, one of whom is Lily's "prince." Lily is Scott and Mandi's 4 year old daughter who has a flair for the dramatic, (see above) is obsessed with princess/high style living and is already planning her wedding. The kids all had so much fun playing together, and got to go out on the boats again, too. After the kids went to bed, the Buchan brothers continued their mandatory get-together Risk game, which Nathan won, and then Scott showed us the dvd he had made of Caleb and Ross's snow fun up there 2 Christmases ago. There was some great footage of Ross totally losing it plummeting through the air, limbs flailing, off a ski jump. (think AFV, only better) Mandi and I had some great talk-time while the brothers were off pirating CD's, too. Highlights: bubbles with the kids, seeing Nate in a bandana, talking with Mandi
• Saturday we left very early, so we could have lunch and visit with Grandma Buchan. That was great, just to see her and have the kids spend time with her. When we were up there for the funeral, she didn't get to spend much time with the children, so she was happy to this time. I got some great pictures. And even though I think this is where I contracted the gut-wrenching illness I have suffered from for days now, I totally enjoyed our lunch out at Country Buffet. Highlights, of course, were seeing Grandma Marilyn, and also my late night driving, where I went through 57 of the Third Day songs on Nate's iPod and had a good cry with God over Nattie.

So, that, completely NOT in a nutshell, was our family vacation. There were a hundred other great highlights, like the endless coffee pot, the ever present uncles to entertain the kids, Scott and Mandi's unending hospitality and famous cooking, and the fact that Nate and I had a kidless bedroom and set a record for vacation birth control usage. All in all, it was great, and I hope we get to do it again soon. Also, soon, I hope to be writing wonderful things about how organized I am being in meeting my goals.....but, we'll see.

Back Home Again

Here's the only picture of me from our vacation, snuggling with my cute husband in the dining hall of Camp Oak Hills, which was our central meeting spot for all meals, lots of play and fun during our first ever Buchan family vacation in the northwoods of Minnesota. It was wonderful.

Wordless Wednesday...Dancing Children

I have continually made a mental note to do Friday Felicities for the last few weeks, and guess what, I keep missing it. But that certainly shouldn't put the kibosh on my counting my blessings blog-style. I'll just give it a go in this stolen moment....

• Grace is standing behind me, totally engrossed in playing with about 10 cars on the windowsill of the playroom. I wish my camera batteries weren't dead, this would make a great picture...the sun streaming through her wispy blonde hair while she cocks her head and does falsetto voices for the different cars crashing into each other and having an indepth conversation while they are doing it. She has on a pinky pink pink dress on and no shoes. When she smiles, her black lashes almost make her sparkly blue eyes disappear. All you see is the dimple on her right cheek and that expanse of adorable still baby teeth. Precious.
• Claire is also behind me, still in her little blue frilly nightgown, crawling around amongst the blocks and cars left out by the older kids this morning. Yesterday, she stood up......yes, she stood up, holding onto something, but just barely holding on. The placid expression on her face just totally mocking all the baby books that say you should probably be eating solid food before you embark on a track career, and also flying in the face of the personal history of my other children, none of whom walked before a year. Not that she's close to walking, but you can just see the little subtle glint in her eye, whispering "Hi, world, it's me, Claire. I'm not very loud, but when you're not looking, I'm totally going to make my mark, and it will be all my own."
• There are days when Ian just makes me cry. Sometimes for joy at his simple, beautiful affectionate nature. Sometimes for frustration because I just don't feel I am getting through to him and I feel he needs so much more than I am capable of giving. In Publix the other day, I couldn't keep the tears from my eyes, watching him get upset over, well, I never did figure out what, but he just lost it, tears and desperate heart-hurting cries of frustration that ended with him repeatedly slapping himself. Sometimes I just can't get through. BUT, sometimes it is beautiful. He was putting the cushions back on the couch the other day, (after a great fort experience) and then stood up on top of them and declared to the world "I'm decently cool!!!" I said "What, Ian??" He looked at me like, "Uh, Mama, what are you, slow or something?" and repeated himself, "Mama, I'm DECENTLY COOL!" Yes, he is.
• The kids and I hit Burger King's dollar menu for supper last night, since we had to do a Target diaper run and the timing was as it was. As we were leaving, and George was being a little less than as grateful as he should have been, (this is the third time we've eaten out in 2 weeks, for crying out loud) I said "You know, when I was little like you, we hardly ever went to restaurants." To which George wisely replied "Mama, it's because there were no restaurants back then."
• My husband is a rare man. He will tell me when something doesn't look good on me, if something wasn't a good enough deal to make it worth my deal finding time, and also just give me his opinion when I ask for it without trying to stilt his answer to defer to my feminine sensitivities. His honesty was a lot to get used to in those way too sensitive first years of marriage when, let's face it, all you want to hear is "Of course you're beautiful and skinny and brilliant, nothing could be otherwise." It took me a few years to realize that this "brutal honesty" was a huge blessing. I know he will tell me the truth, and you know, it just makes it mean so much more when he leers at me and says "You are mighty fine, woman." If he will tell me when I'm not, I know he means it when he says I am. I love that.
  

George William

I was just explaining to George what a blog was, why it existed, and why it was fun. The only thing he really connected with was when I said "I can write whatever I want to." Then he said "Well, then, Mama, you should write...George is cool!" So, here goes, my message for the day....

GEORGE IS COOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Really, George is very cool, for many reasons, like..

• He loves the color red just like I do.
• He can remember what he got for his first birthday, what we had for dinner when we when to a friend's house when I was pregnant with Ian...so he was about 16 months old, and a million other random and not so random things.
• He is an incredible helper to me with his three little siblings
• He absolutely adores his Daddy
• He is afraid of new things, but he tries them anyway
• He told me he has to have his head facing the wall when he's in bed, because that is "the good dream side"
• He is almost up to my armpit.....and he's only five
• He is incredibly intelligent...and he knows it
• He has started asking me for hugs...just because he knows I like them, even though he doesn't
• He is a total rock star at original Nintendo Mario
• He loves me to read him The Hobbit
• He was looking around at the world, taking it all in, before he was even completely born
• He was saying Dada at 5 months, and Mama at 6 months, and he hasn't stopped talking since then
• He loves to go camping
• He was my first born son, beautiful pregnancy, wonderful delivery, bleary eyed-sleepless infanthood-ed, eat on the dot every three hours baby around the clock.
• He is a wonderful big brother
• He is a rock fanatic
• He climbed Borestone Mtn. (see pic above) in October.. "without ever stopping once!"

I know there are a million more things I'm not thinking of. He is my almost complete personality opposite and he so rocks my world. Sometimes I am terrified I am totally screwing him up, thinking "Why, Lord, did you ever give him to me...surely you know me, and you know him, and it seems like such a bad fit" But of course, the Lord does know this, and I'm sure he is using George to grow me and teach me.

Back at last

How did it get to be August?!?!? That's what I want to know. The end of July turned out to be pretty hectic as Nate's grandfather passed away and we had to drive up to Minnesota unexpectedly. The trip went really well, though. We were able to borrow the church's 11 passenger van and Nate got a fabulous deal on a fancy hotel from Priceline. The kids were so good on the trip, despite being in a van for 24 hours straight, minus short rest stops, and then being in hotel rooms, churches, houses with no toys, etc. It was just not a kid friendly trip at all, but they did so well and adjusted wonderfully. I think that says more about people praying for us than for the children's natural wont, but it was a great blessing. We left Friday afternoon. Nate drove til 10 pm, then Night Owl Me got a big coffee and drove til 6 am, then Nate drove some more, then his dad drove us into Minneapolis. I got about 2 hours of broken sleep in the back of the van the rest of the day, so was a bit zombie like when we arrived at Nate's grandmother's house. But, after a good night's rest at the Crown Plaza, I was good to go. The visitation at the funeral home was Sunday evening, then Monday morning was the memorial service. Nate wrote a beautiful tribute to his grandfather and read it at the funeral. He said that getting his thoughts down on paper and thinking through it all was a really good grieving time for him. Here is what he wrote:

"As I look to my memories of the time I spent with my grandfather I am struck by how much of what I remember I still see through the eyes of my childhood. These sweet memories, though they may be fading, are a heritage to be treasured, honored, and passed on to my children. I think today of the legacy of Grandpa Bob embodied in the four little children I call my own. What will they know of their great grandfather through me, how will his life effect them, though they never knew him. Will they wonder about this man, about their fleeting young memory of the time of his passing?

I imagine someday little Grace and Claire asking about Great Grandpa Bob, this big happy man they see in an old picture album. Oh, Grandpa would have loved you, I would tell them. When he saw you, he wouldn’t have called you Zeke or Squirt or Tiger or one of the other nicknames he had for your uncle and me, but I’m sure you’d have had a special girl’s nickname all your own. And he probably wouldn’t have brought you baseball cards or sports magazines when he came to visit you, but you can bet he would have thought of something to bring you to make you feel special. Then he would have picked you up with his great strong hands, set you up on his knee, and asked you what you’d been up to. Later you could have heard his great big laugh fill the room you were in and you’d have seen the smiles on the faces of each person there as they shared in his stories, his jokes, and his sayings.

You could be sure at some point his stories would turn to food, and he’d probably have you almost drooling as you shared in his delight over the cooking he’d enjoyed on some recent day. You might even have started to get hungry, but you wouldn’t be worried, because when you were with Grandpa Bob a trip to Perkins couldn’t be too far off.

He would always have his camera close by, and you’d probably get so used to him pulling it out of his front shirt pocket and snapping it that you’d hardly even notice after awhile. If you visited his house you might have seen his desk and his colored pencils, and then you’d have known one reason he took so many pictures. On a special day, you might have been able to come along as he delivered a portrait he had drawn of a friend or acquaintance. You’d have seen the look of surprise and gratitude on that person’s face, amazed that this friendly man would give such a special part of himself and his talents and ask nothing in return.

As you would visit with Grandpa Bob you might hear some small story about a time very long ago when he gave a special part of himself and his talents for the service of this great country he loved. He wouldn’t tell you much, but you’d still marvel that this man whom you knew and loved had played a part in such a vast and terrible struggle for the sake of your freedom.
Throughout the day you’d notice what a special place Grandma held in his life. Whether it was a quick kiss on the cheek, squeeze of the hand, holding of a door, or a quick wink and grin as he said, “Yes Dear,” you would be sure that he couldn’t do without this amazing woman in his life.
When it was time for him to go away he’d remind you to write him a letter just to say Hi. Then he’d be absolutely sure to get a great big hug from you, he’d squeeze you so tight you’d feel the rough scratching of his cheek on yours, and the fresh smell of his aftershave would linger with you even as you watched his Buick drive away down your street. Then all at once you’d miss him, because he’d brought such joy into your life that day.

“I want to spend a day with my Great-Grandpa,” I imagine my little Claire saying as she hears these stories. Well, I would say, there is something else I want to tell you about Grandpa, the most important thing, really. You see, he had a friend, a very dear, cherished, wonderful friend. This friend was with him every single day of his life, and when he was older he grew closer and closer to Him. He told his family about this great friend, and many others he met during his life. It gave him great peace to know this friend, and it was his complete trust in this friend’s grace and love that brought him to the place where he is today. If he could have just a moment with you now I know his first words would be of this friend. His friend’s name is Jesus. You can know Jesus too, my dear little girl. You can accept the gifts He has for you, spend this life with Him, love Him, and some far-off day, when the time is right, it’s only Jesus who can take you to a place where you too can spend a day with Grandpa Bob."

Nate did so well reading it, too. He so has a gift for public speaking and just sharing things in a wonderful way that people understand. It's funny, I joke with him that most people are scared of public speaking and do fine with "private" speaking, but he's just he opposite, it's the one on one conversations he has trouble with. ;P We got to spend some good time with relatives after the service, and then the burial at Fort Snelling was Tuesday morning. We left after lunch on Tuesday.

The timing of the Minnesota trip was a bit disappointing, only because I missed a little time with my dear friend, Heather, who had flown down from Maine to spend a week. Esther picked her up at the airport for me the night before we got home. So Heather had to spend the morning here by herself, with only Bandit the kitten for company. She was so gracious, though, and didn't even mind that I was kind of braindead for driving all night long and then for a few hours at the end of the trip before we got home around 1 on Wednesday afternoon.

I had such a wonderful visit with Heather. Where do I even begin describing the sweet, godly, incredible woman that is Heather MacKenzie?!? Our families have known each other forever, in fact, I think we are actually 5th or 6th cousins, so we have been friends for ever, but this was the first time we were actually able to spend any significant amount of time together visiting since we were in high school. We got to know each other as women, not just as friends, and it was great. It was so refreshing to be with someone who is not so caught up in the many things that so commonly distract women from what is truly important. Part of that is just that she's from Maine, and, well, we're just simpler up there, but mostly it is just that she has her eyes fixed on Jesus, and all the earthly things pale in comparison. Although she is one of the most beautiful and graceful people I have ever met, she doesn't care at all about makeup, having the latest hairstyle, wearing the newest, coolest clothes, driving the newest car, living in a fancy house or other shallow concerns that we as women sometimes get stuck on. At least I know I do. She didn't seem concerned about what other people thought of her, about being the center of attention, about getting "what she deserves" from people around her. She is just a servant, devoted to her husband, loving her family, serving the Lord in whatever He gives her to do. She has a radiance that shines on her features and colors her speech that only comes from having your heart resting in the Lord. We had some really great talks, sharing our different struggles, encouraging one another and sharing what the Lord is teaching us. I am so thankful that she came.

Now that I had my mopey day yesterday over the fact that Heather had to go home to her husband, I am feeling back to life today and am now all excited about planning our real trip to Minnesota, that we had had planned for months before we had to go up for Grandpa Bob's funeral. There was some talk of nixing the trip because we had to go up for that, but those of us in the Buchan family who think with our hearts and now with our wallets (think...anyone but Nathan...) have convinced the more reluctant ones that this is a necessary trip still. Actually I think it is even more important now, especially for Nate's grandmother, for her to have some time after Bob's passing and then to have us up there for a more joyful reunion. So, we are all excited. We will be staying at the camp that is at Oak Hills college where Scott and Mandi work. I can't wait to be out there on the lake. And, Monday night when Heather and I went out to dinner and shopping, courtesy of my wonderful husband watching the kids for me, I found a bathing suit!!!! And it actually covers me up, and looks halfway cute!! I was so excited, and the best part is that it was about 70% off. I found some really cute little fishing poles for the boys on ebay. George is so excited for us to finally go on a canoe ride, which we never got to do when he and I and Claire went up to Maine in May. Oh, I could so spend all day on a lake in a canoe, just paddling around in the stillness, listening to the loons call, or jumping in to swim in the refreshing water. I think I may be more excited to go than the kids are. And, we will get to spend more time with Scott and Mandi and their beautiful girls. They are such wonderful people and it will be great to have that time together without having to rush around like we did when we were in MN before.

Well, now that I have developed a crippling case of carpel tunnel from typing so much, I should go. BUT, on this 2nd day of August, I have to say "Happy Anniversary!" to my wonderful parents, who have been married 32 years today...wow! And "Happy Birthday!!" to my crazy little brother, David, "May your sporran always be full and your kilt never rise in the wind!" (Just a little Scottish humor for you)

11 pm

So we got through VBS, Ian's birthday party, boys camping trip, late night baseball game and all, and I am tired. VBS went pretty well, I loved the three 11 year old girls on my team. Ian had kind of a hard time some days and ended up spending some of the time with me, but for the most part he did pretty well. I think he would have been fine if he had been with a teacher who understood him better and realized that although he looks almost exactly like his very mature older brother, he is much more on the same level with his little sister who is in the nursery. I try very hard not to compare my children and I hate it when other people do, especially since George and Ian are so very different developementally. But, as I said, for the most part, he had a good time and not too many tears.

Ian's Superhero party was a lot of fun. We had a total of 13 kids here, counting the 2 babies, Claire and Ella, and I think 9 adults. Go check out my Flickr for pictures. Ian was so happy with all the kids being here and loved all the very many presents he got. Everyone was so generous and sweet. He was so excited to get his kitty and the kitty has been great. We named him Bandit for the "mask" on his face. Actually my clever friend, Lisa, came up with it and it fit perfectly, and went with our B themed pet names. Hopefully this kitty will be with us for longer than Bailey and Baxter were, and certainly longer than Buster, Brandy and Boscoe, although I think Boscoe still has a few good years left. Brandy was taken to the pound by Nate, then the day before she was to be put to sleep, I got a call from a friend of a friend of a friend who wanted to adopt her. So, I got her out yesterday, they came and picked her up last night, and hopefully that is the end of it. I even gave them money towards getting her spayed.

Just to get a bit beyond the day to day, I thought I would chronicle a bit of my journey lately. I have felt an overwhelming sense of mental floundering for months now, just a sort of disorganized fog over my thoughts and actions and plans and have been trying to clear it by making lists, trying to plan better, sticking to a schedule, etc, to no avail. I have also been floundering in my physical health, not making the effort to eat well myself, not remembering to take my vitamins, not paying attention to my own nutrition, stress, sleep levels. I would say that I have been in a fog emotionally, but more accurately, it is just that I have been in neutral, like a kind of sustained, push-it-away denial sort of mindset. All of these things I have, at different times, made an effort to correct, in and of themselves. Can you see the missing element here? Probably, and if so, you have done better in 30 seconds that I have done in 8 months. Finally today, the Lord allowed my fog to lift enough mentally to put it all together and realize the real root of my lack of concrete accomplishment and success in any area. It is because my spiritual life has slipped. I know this should SOOO be a no-brainer, and I don't know why I was insisting on compartmentalizing everything continually but finally the wool has been lifted from my eyes, and the incredibly simple truth is laid bare before me. I have been trying, feebly, to do what I need to, be what I need to, in my own strength. I have let slide that so important reliance on the One who knows me, the One who made me, and the only One who can enable me to actually succeed in all He gives me to do, and be. It has not been a wilful, rebellious, even conscious choice to neglect the sustaining Bread of Life. It has been more like a gradual forgetfulness, a slow enveloping of my mind in this fog of "things" until I have forgotten even what it was that I needed so badly. I have not been in a hard place, I have just been in an empty place, and I am so incredibly thankful that the Lord has opened my eyes to the great lack in me, before I got even further down this road of complaisant apathy. There has been no broken and contrite spirit, not even an acknowledging of the slow hardening of my heart. I am writing this for a reminder to myself, that what I have been trying to do myself isn't working. My children are not being cared for as they ought, my husband is not being loved as he should be, I have not been the friend, counselor, child, woman I should be, and I need to change now. Or rather, I need to start feeding the Holy Spirit inside of me so that He can change me. It is still only a tiny spark of hunger for righteousness, but I know it will grow, and so will I.

Monday Meanderings...

So I missed Friday Felicities, can this be Monday Meanderings??? My day today was filled with a dog. I mean, I was excited, (and a little sad) that an incredibly benevolent and sweet friend agreed to take Brandy to the Atl. Humane Society for me. Which, unlike the local h.s.'s, do not require a spaying, vaccinations, etc. to accept an animal. So they came this morning to pick her up. I cried, but I knew she would be adopted soon, out where people could see her and all. BUT, the shelter was full. They couldn't take her. So, now we are back where we started, with a bit more info on spaying, and a list of other shelter's numbers. This dog is such a fabulous dog, if anyone would just meet her, they would love her. "Well," you ask, "if she's so great, why don't you want to keep her?" Well, besides the fact that we already have an 8 year old Beagle who requires feeding, watering, walking and potty breaks, I have four little kids to take care of. Two very wild boys, 4 and 5 that scream and yell and run and jump and want stories read and Lego towers and sand castles built and dragons and astronauts drawn and DVDs put in and want to know why water freezes and why monkeys can't talk and how exactly do the two sides of the magnet really repel each other, and blankets tied around their heads and fights broken up. And, I have a 2 1/2 year old feisty little girl, who wants Buzz lightyear gotten down from the top of the dresser where she threw him, and stories read, (pages out of order, with silly voices), and makeup put on, and chips to eat, and asks for her vitamins 67 times a day, and has made an art form out of antagonizing her brothers, climbing everything in sight (in cowboy boots and a purple plastic bunny hat) and stealing the baby's pacifier. And I have a baby. A beautiful, sweet, chunky, smiley baby who wants to crawl all over you and nurse every 2 hours, and cuddle with her favorite blanket (thank you, Dana) and be flown airplane style around the bedroom. And I have three meals and snacks to make for said children, dishes to clean up after said meals are made, mountains of laundry to do, bathroom trips to enforce, diapers to change, potty training, errands to run, groceries to buy (and somewhere in there find time to eat and shower and make myself look halfway presentable by the time my dear husband gets home at who knows when)......basically, I'm a normal stay at home mom of four kids and I don't have time to give attention to a sweet and rambunctious dog.........So, please pray, as I have been, that someone will see the posters, respond to the posting on the websites, hear about her and want to take her home and give her a good home. Because while this is certainly a good home, it's just not a good home for a lively dog. Now if someone would take one of the children.....

It's Wednesday. I've just realized that Ian's birthday is coming up very soon, and I have a lot of planning to do for it and our church's VBS (which I am helping with) is the week before. His birthday is on the 13th, Friday (hey, freaky!!) and we will have the party on Saturday the 14th. Are you reading this Misty?? Super Hero birthday party for Ian on July 14th, 11-1, lunch provided. Josiah is officially invited. Actually, we are going to do real invitations here sometime, so he will get one in the mail.

And now for the last chapter in the on-going saga of the coffee splashed keyboard. So Nate had gotten a new keyboard and installed it, but no dice....well, last night he searched online for about 2 hours and found a way to undo the fn key!!! The man is a genius!! So now, I can actually type. Notice I did not say spell or use proper grammar, but at least I can type now! Yay!!!

I went and ran a bunch of errands today, wal-mart, target, michaels, bread store, returned some videos, etc. I am working on some intensive "store training" with my children. I know, some people would say "They're just little kids, let them be kids, loosen up!" But I do not agree. I think that when you are in a store it is a wonderful opportunity to teach your children about what a very wise woman calls "the preciousness of others." As in, we don't yell, scream, touch things, fool around, etc. in a store, not only because it would be disobedient, but because it would be inconsiderate to the other people in the store. I believe you do not act in a store the same way you do when you are horsing around at home with your siblings. And believe me, they do plenty of that. So, we are working on it. And I am trying to stick to my guns. Today the kids lost a trip to the playground because they weren't behaving. Grace especially is really testing her limits. Recently, when told to do something, she has started saying "So want toooooo." in a whiny voice, which means "I don't want to." So not only is she whining-the cardinal sin around here- but she is also basically saying "I have a good reason for disobeying... it's because I don't feel like it." Gee how I love the terrific two's!!!!! All Nate sees of her is her curled up in our bed some mornings, and more infrequently, her carrying around "Papa" her pink puppy, getting ready for bed at night. On Sundays when he is home, we are at church, then eating, then kids are napping, so he gets about 4 hours a week, seriously, to actually interact with her, or any of the kids for that matter. I don't think he believes me that she is bratty at all. Little does he know.......

On another note, George has been extremely respectful and obedient and some things that we have been working and working on have finally become routine for him. We are reading The Hobbit at night together, which we both love. I have such fond memories of my father reading The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings to us as children and The Hobbit was the first real book I read as a child, I remember trying so hard to learn how to read, just so I could read it for myself. We are at chapter VIII, "Flies and Spiders" which of course is a fabulous chapter, in which Bilbo really distinguishes himself, names his sword and there are a lot of really silly songs. We are just at the part where they are hauling the boat across the black enchanted stream in the middle of Mirkwood, and I told George that tonight we would find out who falls in the stream and what happens to them. I love to see his eyes shining when I tell him something like that. I think his favorite part so far has been the trolls. You should have heard him and Ian guffawing, laughing so hard at me doing the cockney voices of the trolls threatening to "squash them into jelly!" Of course, it has become a common phrase now in their play acting. I love it.

Claire is so close to starting to speak. She has started mimicking mouth movements and Nate and I are in a race to see whose name she will say first. ALL my kids so far have said Dada first and I am determined that she will say Mama first. Of course the kids are all trying to get her to say their names. It's so cute to hear Grace say "Come on, Cweery, Cweery, say Gwaaaaaaace!"

Well, I must away ere break of day to ebay...I have several things to look for there. Have a happy Wednesday!!!!

I broke down and went to see Dr. Boddy yesterday morning, courtesy of a dear sweet friends insistence and the fact that same friend watched all my children for me. Unfortunately, I've been drinking so much water lately that they couldn't test my pee in the cup since it was so diluted. **I FAILED MY URINE TEST, BWAHAHAHA!!!** Please pardon my lame attempt at humor......So, I had to not eat any breakfast and go this morning to get blood drawn. The results of the myriad of tests he wanted done should be done by the end of the week. On a happy note, I am actually feeling much better today, an maybe I'm on the upswing of things finally.

Nate decided to finally replace the keyboard in the laptop, which I did not think necessary since we can hook the other one up to it and it works fine, but whatever, it's his machine. So he spent $30 on ebay and installed it last night, and guess what??? It still doesn't work. Let me show you. I'll write this sentence on this keyboard, typing normally.....'33 wr5te th5s sentence 6n th5s 2eyb6ard ty-5ng n6r0a33y. See?? You have to type like a one handed pirate for it to work...okay, the reason I say pirate is because I automatically lean towards the side I am having to hold down the function key, and kind of screw my mouth to the side...Remember "Hook", when Peter (Banning) Pan first gets back to Neverland and Julia Roberts Tink is in his hat telling him how to look like a pirate.....it makes me think of that. Anyway, oh well, I suppose I can hook the other keyboard up if I wish, although I should be getting my new modem in the mail soon, so I may not be using the laptop anymore at all anyway.

There are several things I would actually like to do seperate posts about, but I don't feel like it today, so I will say goodbye.....Hmm, now that I am back in the blogging world, I may just change my blog so it looks a little cuter. If anyone has any ideas, please let me know!!

It is 2:35, the kids are all sleeping, and I would love to be sleeping as well. I was just trying in vain to look for a flattering swim suit online since my husband, the King of Honesty, told me last night that I looked like "an old grandma" in the suit I found. At least he didn't actually use the words "neon sausage". although he may have been thinking them! Anyway, so now I have to take that suit back and try to find something else that a. does not disappear when I put it on, and b. does not make me look like I just stepped off the Mayflower. The problem is that in stores, those are about your only options, super tiny string bikini that you could accidentaly swallow or frumpy spandex support garment. Anyway.... I had to call in sick to my lunch at Misty's since my fever returned and I was sick to my stomach this morning. AARGHHH!!! I emailed my Dr. and asked if he could write me a Rx for antibiotics, since it seems I do have the beginnings of a kidney infection. And I HATE antibiotics, for all their overusedness and catch-all cure conotation, but I suppose there are times when they are warranted. I haven't taken any since two years ago when I had the other kidney infection. Hopefully I won't have to go pee in a cup for him, and he'll just write the Rx anyway. It's just a huge pain to haul my four kids into a doctors office 45 minutes away, and then have them get sick from hanging out in germ-infested surroundings. I just won't do it!!! So, Dr. Bod will just have to write it. Maybe if I call him and ask really nicely, he will. We'll see. Kohl's is having great sales tommorow and Saturday on shorts and summer clothes and I just might go, since I am still very low on summer clothes that fit and have 1 pair of shorts, which aren't very flattering at all, and I have checked and checked the consignment stores and Goodwill and am having no luck. I hate to buy new when I can usually get things so much cheaper used, but oh well. Okay, I am falling asleep typing, I'd better take advantage of the half hour I have left me while the kids will probably still sleep and lay down for a bit. I've got to go to the chiropractor at 5:45 and I just might take Brandy to the humane society on the way. Yes, I think I have finally exhausted all hope of a nice family adopting her, after putting ads on two websites and posters up in the Brown's Pools stores for a few weeks now. We just can't take care of her anymore, she is getting hardly any attention, and hopefully if she in the shelter, she will be adopted soon. I am riddled with guilt over doing this, but I don't know what else to do. If you read this, just pray someone will call me and say "Hey, I'd love to have that beautiful dog you have, and I will give her a great home and she'll be so happy and you won't have to worry about her anymore!!"

So, I've decided to start blogging again. I don't really have a great reason for starting again, other than I just feel like it is time. There was a long time where the thought of it just didn't "jive" with me right, and I knew it would be wasted time trying to convey anything, when my heart wasn't in it. Not that my blog has ever been anything super special or deep or anything like that, I just didn't have any creative energy left over, nor even any will to record my day to day. I think the last few weeks of my pregnancy with Claire were just very taxing- mentally, emotionally, and certainly physically. Then the delivery and even harder recovery time was one of the hardest times I have ever been through. I have noticed a trend with myself....it's as if when I am going through something hard I just fight so fiercely to pretend everything is okay and I just need to buck up and be tough, and it's only when I am on the other side of it and am doing better that I realize how bad it had been. Anyway, all of that to say that I am doing well now, we are finding a new normal...(as much as the chaotic environment of 4 extremely rambuncious children can ever BE normal, heh.), and I feel the time has come for me to be able to blog a bit once more. (Man, that sure was a lot of words just to say "Here I am again.")

This change is also facilitated by the fact that I finally figured out how to hook up the wireless keyboard to the laptop, so now I can actually type!!!! How Now Brown Cow...instead of having to hold down the "fn" key to use half the keyboard, never being able to use the Enter key, ??????? key or the Backspace key. Yup, that is annoying. "Gee, Charity", you ask, "why did you have to do all that???????" Well, I'll tell you, it was because my perfectionistic, super careful, non-clumsy husband and I went out to a coffee shop with wifi while I was pregnant. We brought the laptop to look at baby names online. We got coffee. And Nathan said to me, (the non-perfectionistic, ditzy and clumsy one) "Now make sure you don't spill YOUR coffee on MY laptop!" And then, guess what happenend!!!!!!! NO, you're wrong, I didn't spill any.....Immediately upon uttering those words, he dumped half his cup of coffee all over the keyboard!!! And I did not laugh, I mean, well, I was totally laughing inside, but I didn't want the other half of the coffee to be on me. So, needless to say, it just doesn't work very well. But that is no longer an issue, Praise the Lord!!!

So, what shall I actually blog about today??? Well, I could talk about the kids, of course, as they are the consuming factor in my day. The fact that George is getting impatient with me to hurry up and order his school books, that Ian is still having trouble keeping his underwear dry, but is making some leaps in communicating emotional things through words instead of just screaming, that Grace has been somehow ending up on Nate's pillow at 5 every morning now all week and she does NOT go back to sleep, that Claire is getting humungous, like her little five-month-old, almost-out-of-a-size-2-shoe-feet are already sticking out over the end of her infant car seat. That's a very quick summary of the kids for this moment.

And Nate is plugging away at the busy season, working a ton of hours and keeping his head above water only just. I tell you, that man is amazing. He is the one that all the disgruntled customers call, the one who always picks up the slack at the stores, the one who stays late, who runs to customers houses "on his way home" and just does an amazing job at all the myriad of responsibilities he has to do. Then he comes home and I see the canker sores in his mouth, the cracked and bloody skin on his feet, the dark circles under his eyes......and the huge smile on his face. He thrives on it, in a funny sort of way, and I am trying my best to be his best support when he is home. I know he just craves time with the kids and hates that he is missing out on so much, but we both know he is where the Lord wants him to be, and he is doing it heartily.

Then there's me. I don't know what to say about me. I went to the chiropractor this morning, for this annoying recurring pinched nerve in my shoulder, and Dr. Rob said he really wanted me to come back tommorow too, because my neck was so incredibly tight from being so out of alignment. And I will. I just get used to doing things a bit compromised and don't notice until I am better, how worse I was....you know, it's just like I was saying before. The whole frog in boiling water thing. Anway, speaking of that, I am feeling a ton better today after slowly beginning on a kidney infection that I have finally warded off with great amounts of Cran-Flush from North American Herb and Spice, cranberry fruit capsules, tons of water and my vitamins, which I had been failing to take for quite a while. When I get sick like that, it's like there is just this black hole of unconsciousness inside me just sucking the vitality out of me, and I have to struggle just to be able to think clearly enough to make the decisions I need to to get better. But I did, and I am getting better now, although I do desperately need to get started making my good bread again. I think I am just going to have to break down and buy a mixer thing. With my shoulder out half the time now, I just can't knead bread dough.

Well, I did something excuciatingly painful today, okay, not actually physically painful. I went bathing suit shopping. I can almost hear the "Oh, you poor thing"'s now. Now bathing suit shopping isn't fun at any time. (unless you are like a super toned size 2, I suppose, I wouldn't know.) But, when you are 20 lbs over what you should be, and you've had four kids in five years (You want to guess at the state of my stomach muscles?!?!?) then it is especially yucky. But, I did actually find one, and had to about pull my hair out to convince myself that spending $35 dollars on something that makes me look like a neon sausage is actually worth it. I haven't taken the tags of yet, though, we'll see what Nate says.

Well, look, I have already written a bunch. I will try to do some more tommorow, and who knows, it might even be interesting then. By the way, if anyone actually read this, please leave me a comment, I'd love it!!! Have a great day!

Thankyou, Misty for reminding me of this, and so giving a small reminder of the amazing ray of sunlight that was Nattie. **Dance with the angels, Nattie** So, here are my things I am thankful for today, on this gray Friday afternoon...... 1. Thunder is rumbling outside, and we ae so thirsting for rain 2. My Gracie's blonde hair curling up in the humidity 3. Claire Bear is crawling around my bedroom floor, giggling at her toys. 4. The look of concentration on George's face as he plays way old school Zelda. 5. Ian's ketchupy smiles 6. Sweet friends to visit with this morning. 7. I am mad at Nathan....okay, I am slightly miffed at him, and he knows it, and the happy thing about this is that we can make up tonight. 8. A dear friend from Maine may be coming to visit me soon. 9. I have a large chocolate stash in my closet 10. And finally, there are only 28 more hours til Nathan is off.