wednesday

I have finally gotten all my addresses and sent out my new years letter yesterday. Of course, then this morning, Nate's mom said she had printed out a bunch too many family pictures and would I like some to send out in my letter? Oh well. I am so hungry! I don't know if it's because Grace has nursed more the last few days or what, but I just feel so starving most of the time. I have really been trying to not have dairy products, because I think they make her spit up more, so that has been a bit of a challenge. It was so convenient when I was pregnant to just grab a hunk of cheese or some yogurt, plus I was trying to eat as much protein as I could, so that was another boost. I never drink cow's milk anyway, so I don't miss that, it's just cheese. Okay, and ice cream. It's probably good, though, maybe it will help me lose weight faster. Of course, I have always believed a better answer to losing weight is not to just eat less, but to move more. I always respond better to more exercise than to less food. I really miss the days of working out faithfully. When I lived in Colorado with my aunt and uncle before I went to college, I had a gym membership, and was there at least 3 days a week, usually five. Then when I went to college, it was easy to stay working out, at least the first semester and a half, before my classes required too much of my attention. Some days, I sooo miss being in college. It just sounds heavenly now to be back in an environment where the only person I was responsible for was myself, and while I have never been the best student, it even sounds good to me to have to study again. I guess just the motivation for doing it, and the immediate payoff of passed quizzes and grades. I never really cared enough to be a straight A student, or well, even a straight B student. I was one of those kids whose report card said "She's just not applying herself." I think half of it was psychological. It was easier for me to not try my hardest and get by than to risk trying my hardest and possibly fail. I've always lived and thought in a strangely preemptive manner. It preserved my psyche better to make fun of myself before anyone else could. It was easier for me to demean my body with my husband than to act as if there were nothing wrong with me and risk him demeaning me. I think I've always operated under the conclusion that it was better for me to act in a way that left a question as to my self worth, than to have it confirmed that I wasn't good enough. Of course, if followed to its natural conclusion, the person who makes the preemptive remark is pretty sure someone else will eventually. This is an issue that Nate and I have talked through many times. He used to get so upset at my making disparaging comments about myself, and it is something I have really made an effort in past years to stop doing. It's insulting to him. It's his wife that I was bashing, and really, who wants to be around someone who is self-centered and negative all the time? The Lord has brought me far in this
area, only by His grace, and I have learned much in the way of getting my eyes off myself, at least in this manner. Nathan has said that self confidance in a body that might not look fabulous is much sexier than self-criticalness in a body that is physically perfect. I will always have imperfections, and will never measure up to what the world considers "physically perfect", but beyond exercising and getting into better shape (which I need to do), I can't change the way God made me, which brings me to the most significant point in favor of adopting Nathan's prescribed outlook. I believe I wrote a post when I first started blogging about being content with me. God made me just like I am for a purpose, and the Bible says that the woman was made for the man. I carry that out personally to mean that I was made for my husband, and God knew what He was doing when He made me. It is extremely insulting, borderline blasphemous of me to question God's creation and further, to demean it. I believe I said it better in the other post, but today, God has brought me through these series of thoughts again, so that is what I am writing today. Reading back over this, you can just see my disordered mind going from one thought to the next, the connections being tenuous at best and the flow of my ruminations tortuous as always. Oh well, I guess that's what this place is for, right, for me to get my thoughts down? Anyway, here they are.