It's Monday. A dreary, cold Monday. Remember that song by the Carpenter's, (I think it was the Carpenter's, anyway) "Rainy days and Mondays always get me down...." I'm sure Misty is going to have the song stuck in her head all day as soon as she reads this ;) I remember one day when I was living with my aunt and uncle in Colorado, my aunt Holly had a root canal and we had gone to a restaurant for supper, her three little girls were whining and crying and yes, it was a rainy Monday. My uncle Paul saw my aunt's growing exasperation and started belting out a revised version of the song,(in his best girly voice) "Rainy days and Mondays, and root canals, and whiny kids always get me down..." I guess we all could write our own version of "what gets us down." Anyway, my mother's visit was wonderful, we haven't had that much opportunity to really talk since I left home. We talk quite often on the phone, but don't usually get beyond the day to day. While she was here, she told me some things about her childhood and growing up years that I had never heard, we talked about my dad's status in school and just had some really great heart to hearts. I know I am so incredibly blessed to have her, no one could ask for a better mother. She is so loving and caring and so completely selfless. She is the perfect example of a willing and joyful servant and a devoted and submissive wife. She's not perfect, everyone has their faults, but her life is one of constant service and hopeful reliance upon the God Who strengthens her. The life she has lead has not been easy, she had an alcoholic father and a quick tempered and impatient mother, she was the glue, the middle child peacemaker that tried to hold the family together, and then she married her childhood sweetheart, only to have him fall ill and have to go on all sorts of medications that so altered his personality and his abilities, he was unable to work, or barely function for years, so she basically raised three kids by herself, working up to three jobs at a time. You know I never heard her complain. You'd think I would be a better mother, a better wife, a better Christian, I have such an amazing example to look to. My dad has been much better for years, and they are enjoying their "empty nest" and their soon to be 9 grandchildren. I wish we could live closer, though.

My baby shower on Thursday was so wonderful. I am constantly amazed at all the special and talented people I have the blessing of calling friends. It was so fun. Grace got soooo much stuff, beautiful little clothes and some diapers and wipes and stuffed animals and her first little dolly and some cute little picture frames and a set of classical music tapes and a gorgeous crocheted afghan. The decorations were so beautiful, the food was yummy and the games were really fun. Now I just have to get all my thankyou's done!!

Nathan was gone Monday morning to Thursday night late last week. It was great to have the time to visit with my mom, we played Scrabble and watched chick flicks, but I missed my husband so much. It was so nice to have him come home. I joke with him that we should fight more often so we can make up, and when he came home I told him (very tongue in cheek) that he should go away more often so then he can come home again. He is so special and everyday I feel like I see more of him that is good and caring and wonderful. I have chosen not to concentrate on the negative, and am really trying to fulfill the love of I Corinthians 13 in my relationship with him. Well, i've got to go feed my baby Gracie, who is growing so very quickly, I'll have to post pictures again soon.

"Live from sunny north Georgia, via blogger city, it's open line FFFFriday!!" Okay, only Rush Limbaugh fans will get that. Yes, it's Friday, another week has passed, and tommorow my mother will be here!!! I am so excited for her to come, she hasn't seen Grace yet, and she hasn't seen George since last June. She saw Ian in November when Nate and I took him up to Maine. I am really praying that she gets on her flights in good time and doesn't have to wait too long in Boston. Not that she minds, but I am just anxious for her to get here. Now I just need to get the boys room cleaned up so she can actually stay in there. George is gong to sleep in the travel crib in our room, and my mom's going to stay in the big bed in the boys room with Ian. It sure will be nice when we have more space, and actually have a guest room. It's exciting to think of that all being done, and possibly this year. The boys clothes are all over the bed in their room, and I really should be putting them away right now, actually, but this is the last chance I will have to post anything probably for a week or more, so I just wanted to avail myself of the opportunity.

I had a good talk with Nathan last night, and set up the opportunity for us to talk further tonight. In church on Sunday, the pastor was preaching out of I Corinthians 13, and urged us to go to our spouses and have them honestly tell us which areas from the passage we are falling short in. I asked Nate about it last night, and asked him to read it and think about it, and I think we will talk more about it hopefully tonight. If I can get the bathroom cleaned during naptime, and a few loads of laundry done, then I will have time to talk with him tonight. Really, I always have time to talk to him. I wish he wanted to talk more often, although we do converse much more readily than we ever used to. I'm not talking about deep, serious topic conversations, I'm just talking about any exchange of words. Him telling me about his day, and what's going on in his life, just the day to day stuff. Sometimes by the end of the day, he's just done conversing and would rather just be on ebay or playing a computer game than talk. It's fine that he needs some veg out time, but I just love it when we do take the time to talk with each other, and I can tell that it helps him to talk things out, he gets less stressed about things. Speaking of being stressed about things, his assistant manager in the Douglasville store quit yesterday. He had delegated quite a bit of his old responsiblities to her, advertising and marketing and things like that, and now he's going to end up having to do it again. He's been working so hard on this new computer system and redoing their inventory files. He's leaving Monday for a four day training in Memphis, and he's taking a laptop with him so he can work on things there, too. I guess that's good. He's staying at a casino, that's where the convention/training seminar is, and I suppose I'd rather him be working than gambling! :P Not that my skinflint level headed husband would ever gamble. I do worry about him going away, though. His brother and another man from the company will be with him, they're all staying in the same room, so I guess they will keep each other out of trouble. I just have to remember that the Lord wants to protect him from evil and harm even more than I do. I just love him so much.

Well, I've got to go feed Gracie and get the boys ready for a nap. I hope anyone who reads this will be aware of God's blessings and presence in their lives today, and enjoying the peace that comes from seeking the Lord. I endeavor to seek His face and His will. The desire to be saturated with Him and His word grows stronger in me daily, not because of my own efforts or will, but because the Lord pursues me. I will write more about that later. It is so amazing to me how He seeks me out and brings His lost sheep back into the fold. I just love Him so much.

It's Wednesday already. The week is flying by. Last week(s), I was just wishing the time would hurry up and go, so Nate would be done his shows and training and we could get to his day off, which I was so thankful that he actually took. It was nice to be with him all day on Valentine's Day. I was disappointed that he didn't like what I got him at all, though. I guess I was right, I just really have NO knack for thinking of things he would like. I have known this man for over 10 years, and loved him for over 9, and yet I still am so much at a loss when it comes to really pleasing him. I pray the Lord would open my blind eyes in this area, and really let me see how I can do better in this area. Meanwhile, my sweet husband got me a beautiful set of wind chimes (something I've wanted for a long time), and heart full of chocolate, and best of all, a sweet card with his precious words in it. It's been a long time since he's given me a card, and it really meant a lot to read what he wrote. It seems so easy these days to believe all the negative that the devil and my own mind would conjure up into my days, and it is priceless to me to have this concrete reminder of the truth that my husband does love and care for me. On Valentine's day, we took the kids out to eat, and then over to Nate's moms house, so Nathan and I could go over to Lowe's and pick out the bathtub and things for the bathroom downstairs. It was a lot of fun to think about that getting done, and taking steps towards its completion. It was kind of a bummer that I started feeling really bad while we were there. I keep on having these times of really feeling like I'm going to start a period, all crampy and bloated, and my back hurts, and I get really emotional. Well, I feel like getting all emotional, and it's hard not to do so. I was trying to stay positive and not let on that I wasn't feeling well, but it seemed like everything that came out of my mouth was offending or angering my husband. I was surprised at his reactions, becasue I wasn't meaning to sound negative, but I was. I started to feel better on the way back to get the boys and I apologized to him for sounding mean. He smirked and said I had been acting like a democrat, just being a negative obstructionist without offering any viable alternatives. We jokingly starting calling each other prominant democratic politicians in derision, (I know, we're dittohead dorks), and by the time we got to his moms house, we were in a better state of harmony. We stayed for dinner at his mom's. It was nice to be with his family, and I got out of cooking, too! :P Tonight is Awana, and am feeling really yucky today, and would really rather stay home, but I know one of the other leaders has to be out tonight, so I really have to be there.

On another note, I took my baby girl to the doctor last week, and she weighs over
13 lbs. now and is almost 25" long! She's already in size 2 diapers. Speaking of diapers, I am changing a lot less of them lately because, wonder of wonders...George is potty trained!!!! I really never thought he'd get it, but he's been doing so well! He still wears a pull-up at naptime and bedtime, but other than that, he's in underwear, and tells me when he has to go. It is such a blessing, and so nice to only have two in diapers to worry about again.

On the post partum depression thing, I do see a much greater propensity towards dark, despairing thoughts these days, which I know is not sin, but when I choose to dwell on and feed those thoughts, I have begun to sin. "When lust has conceived, it brings forth sin..." In this case, the lust of my flesh, my mind, is to head down that seductive path towards despair and withdrawal. The natural inclinations of my thoughts have changed towards negative self centeredness, and it becomes more of a struggle to dwell on what is true, lovely, pure and the like. I understand that this could hardly even be classified PPD, being so below the overwhelmingness of it that some experience. I think it just helps me to find a "reason" for my struggles, perhaps an "excuse." I have struggled with depression before, and know what it feels like to not be able to see any hope, any joy, any escape from the prison of your own dark thoughts. It has been a long time, though. Maybe that's why this is hard now, I have been so blessed that the Lord lifted that shroud from me and I have so enjoyed the sunshine of freedom from it for so long now. I know that whatever comes into my life is filtered through the hands of my loving Father, though, Who works all things together for good, and for His glory. My job is to keep my eyes on Him.

I have really been struggling lately. I'm beginning to wonder if perhaps I might have a little PPD. I don't even want to talk about, it is so in my nature to put on a fake smile and always say that everything is fine. I know the root of this is that I have been neglecting to spend the time with the Lord that I should be. As days go by, I feel myself slipping further from His guidance and strength, and deeper into the crippled weakness I hold, where thoughts of despair and a gripping awareness of my failures run increasingly rampant and unchecked. I know this is not of the Lord, I know that He has wisdom and peace and strength for me. Today I am determined to seek it with more than just my intentions. I came to a realization last night. The devil wants me to hate my husband. He wants me to despise caring for my children. He wants me to believe that I am too far from God to come back into the sweet fellowship that is now becoming only a dim memory. The devil wants me to withdraw, he wants me to hide and feel trapped in this bubble where the only reality is the constant review of my inadequacies, my failures, and my fears. Last night, or I should say, early this morning, trying to get the baby to go to sleep, I kind of hit a wall. I was in that bubble. Resentment and fatigue and despair were the only thoughts I seemed able to dwell on, and then, it was like God flashed a glimpse of His reality before my eyes. For a moment, I saw my thoughts for what they were- SIN. I saw the devil, triumphant in his victory of winning my mind, and I saw the Lord, waiting for me to return, with his nail pierced hands stretched out to receive me, to care for me, to guide me, and to use me for His glory. This morning, I still want to hide, I still want to despair, I still want to be bitter, but I will not. I will not let the devil win, I will not waste this precious time in my life with self-centered thoughts and actions.

I have been blessed to have come into contact with some wonderful and wise women of the Lord, via their blogs, and this morning I read back through Molly's (www.threepennies.blogdrive.com) posts as of late. I've never met her, but God has used her to bless me so much. A few days ago, she posted about an article concerning stay at home moms. In the comments to her post there was a beautiful song written by Lani...

The Least of These

"I'm pursuing God, is HE here?
I'm down on my knees, is He here?
10 scraped knees
A floor full of debris
Is He here?
While I clean up crumbs
And wipe dirty bums,
Is He here?
Is He here?
I'm pursuing God, is He here?
I'm lifting up my hands, is He here?
Through trials and tears
Unreasonable fears,
Is He here?
Bottles of meds
Vomit in beds, Is He here?
Is he here?
My mountain tops are far apart
But passion burns within my heart
To see your face
Look in your eyes
Feel your arms
I long to fly
I long to fly
Above the normal things that are each day
The mundane stuff just gets in my way
You said you would walk with me
Even here
Even now
Among 10 scraped knees
A floor full of debris
While I clean up crumbs
And change dirty bums
I am shaping history
For the very least of these
May someday be the one
Who'll bring many to the Son
Thank you for this ministry
There's glory here in my 4 walls
While I'm on my knees pursuing youI'll pick up after the least of these..."

That is just where I'm at, Thankyou, Lani, I don't know who you are, but I know you are a vessel of God's truth. Also from Molly's blog, was a poem written by Carmen Friedrich. Again, I don't know this talented woman of God, all I know is that she is another instrument of God's grace in my life. Here is her poem...

"The Day of Small Things(Dedicated to all the young mothers whose weariness and frustrations I understand...Zechariah 4:10)

Fretful wailing pierced the night;
I wearily switched on the light.
Calming babies, soothing fears,
Shedding bitter, angry tears.
Must my strength be all poured out?
So, discontent, I start to doubt.

Seeing others free to roam,
With pretty clothes and spotless homes,
While little ones to my legs cling.
Dirty laundry and apron strings
Seem to be my lot in life,
Grumpy mommy, weary wife.

Packed away in mothballs now,
Diplomas, ribbons, awards show how
The world once gave me accolades
As all my talents I displayed.
So many dishes now crowd the sink,
My overflowing brain can't think.

As I grumble, baby sleeps,
Quietness over my spirit creeps.
My joy comes not from flimsy stuff:
His strength in weakness is enough.
It's wrong to think I'm in a cell;
Wide's the space God gives to dwell.

How could I forget that when
I willingly submit, it's then
My joy is full, I'm made complete,
Prostrate and worshipful at God's feet?
Small things and trials I mustn't despise,
But see them, trusting, through His eyes."

That's what I want to do, to see things through His eyes.

grinning Gracie 

Thursday

I'm listening to my Celtic Hymns CD right now, I love it. My dream vacation would be a trip over to Scotland to stay in a huge ancient castle. Both my husband's and my family are Scottish. The Buchanans (my family) are much more into the whole Scottish pride thing than the Buchans, (Nate's family). My little brother had a Scottish wedding, outdoors, with kilts and bagpipes and everything. It was awesome. It was even featured in an issue of the Buchanan Banner, the official magazine of Clan Buchanan. George was the ring bearer. He looked soooo cute in his little plaid vest and green velvet dress shorts. I was one of the barefoot bridesmaids with flowers in her hair; we all wore these wickedly cool medieval elvish dresses. I'm actually getting ready to try to sell mine on ebay right now, since I would never have occasion to wear it again unless it were to a costume party, and I don't get many invitations to those these days. Dialmerica Telemarketing just called me and I gave the phone to Ian. He sang to them and growled into the receiver. I love caller ID. Well, I feel like the busy season has officially started. I almost wish I hadn't gone to Ladies of Grace Monday night, it was our last chance for a week to be together as a family. Tuesday Nate had the men's meeting, and didn't get home til the kids were in bed, last night I hauled all the kids to Awana with me because he was setting up for the patio show that's today through Sunday night, which means he's not going to see the kids until Monday. He leaves before they get up and won't be getting home until after they go to bed. I would just keep them up so they could see him a bit, but they won't sleep in any later, and they are miserable and get sick if they don't get enough sleep. Anyway, I figured out what to get for my man for Valentine's Day. I just hope he likes it. I have to make him a card still, though. George picked out some Scooby-Do valentine's at Walmart yesterday, and we're going to send them all this morning. He loves the mail, to get mail and send it and go to the mailbox, so he loved when I told him we could send these to everyone. Speaking of which, I'd better leave off this boring post and get the littlest munchkin fed and rest of these valentine's addressed. Maybe I'll post more later.

I just read over my last post again. It seems a little disjointed, but I guess only I can really follow the paths of my thoughts and understanding. Really, taking an objective look at it, it sounds like the whinings of a child, at least until the last bit. You know, if my husband doesn't like to be with me, really, whose fault is that? MINE! Maybe another thing the Lord is trying to teach me is that I need to take responsibility for my circumstances. Work on what I can, and quit worrying about what I can't change. Okay, on to other things....

On her blog, Cheri had this little fun thing....
1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.
5. Don't search around and look for the "coolest" book you can find. Do what's actually next to you.

I'm reading Charles Dickins' "David Copperfield." Here's what it says..."I can't say how I knew it was my dear, dear mother's coffin that they went to look at."
Very interesting. Hey, if anyone else does this. leave me a comment and tell me.

Why

Why is vitriolic sarcasm always my knee jerk reaction when my feelings get hurt by my husband? It doesn't help anything, it only makes me madder, and him more distanced from me. A friend put on her blog last night that she had to go because her husband gets jealous when she's on the computer. Nate was reading it with me and I laughed at that, and he said he does, too. The way I took it was her husband gets jealous for her attention. Nate has never been very verbal about letting me know he enjoys being with me, so I was surprised when he said he agreed. Then he said "Yeah, there's stuff I could be looking at on the computer." Obviously Nate took the comment to mean that her husband was jealous of the computer's attention. When I told him I thought her husband wanted to spend time with his wife and not the computer, he said "Oh.." and made a face like "Why would anyone think that?" As I said, it was a sweet surprise when I thought he was saying he was jealous of my attention, so it was a letdown when I realized that thought wouldn't have occured to him. I don't even remember exactly what I said, but I just immediately turned on the bitter sarcasm and was not acting loving at all. I know my husband loves me, but there are many times when I wonder if he likes me, just to be with me. He is a wonderful man, and has proved over and over again that he loves me and he has never failed in providing for or protecting our family. Why do all of the good things fly out of my mind as soon as something negative happens? It's almost like I'm searching for something to prove right that part of me that says I just know he doesn't like me, he must be so dissatisfied with me, he hates being married to me...and on and on it goes. And then, I have to throw up these walls of sarcastic defense to try and convince myself that it doesn't hurt to be faced with the fact that the person I enjoy being with the most, whose attentions I continually crave, that he really doesn't like to be with me. I know, you're probably saying "Whoa, she's really blowing this out of proportion." *Sigh* , maybe I am. I've thought of nothing but this since it happened last night. Half feeling guilty for and disgusted by my reaction, and half feeling overwhelmed by the reality that my mind has fixated upon, that he doesn't want to be with me. Now, this is the true test of my "resolution" and clearly, I failed. My role is to be his helpmeet, not his hero. Part of my role is to serve him. Someone once told me that the true test of a servant is whether you act like one when you are treated like one. Especially entering into the busy season, there is no place in a healthy relationship for "poor me" mentality. Even if he does like to be with me, he's not going to have time to. If I am going to be a real help and support to him, I need to let go now of any clingy need or expectation for his attention. I think I see now why the Lord let this little conversation between Nate and I take place. For one thing, to show me the immature and self centered nature of my reactions , and also to re emphasize to me that my loving and respecting and caring for my husband has less to do with his actions than it has to do with my being obedient to the Lord. I have so far to go in my journey towards being the person and the wife I need to be. And yet, so often, I fail to seek the One who is the source of all the strength I need to carry out these responsibilities He has entrusted to me. Lord, forgive me, guide me, use me for Your glory.

Spaghetti anyone? 

GQ George 

chunky monkey 

My Shredded Wheat box say that I can lose 10 lbs if I eat their cereal twice a day. I wonder what they think the other meal will be. Anyway, it's Monday again. I said goodbye to my husband this morning, and won't see him much again until probably Monday, the 14th. He has it on the calendar that he is going to take off Valentine's Day. I hope he can. He actually did work from home on Saturday, so that was nice. I love it when he can have two days off in a row, he is usually much more able to relax by the end of the second day. I just wish he could let himself relax more when he is at home. If he hasn't done any big project by the end of the day, he seems all frustrated and complains that he didn't "accomplish anything." I told him last night that the unspoken objective of a day off was to relax and not necessarily accomplish anything, just to recharge and then be more able to be productive when he is working. A big part of it is that he rarely plans. I go crazy if I don't make a plan, write things down, etc.. so that's hard for me to understand. I think he would definitely accomplish more if he would actually plan, and he would feel better about the time he spent not doing anything "productive." I really wish we could plan and do more things as a family. Not necessarily spending a lot of money, maybe just driving somewhere for the day or going to a park and having a picnic or something. I proposed the idea to him of having one day a month be a family day and spending the whole day together doing something. I don't think he was very excited about it. He's got so much on his mind and on his plate for work right now, I'm sure it's hard for him to switch over to thinking much about anything else. The bad thing is, it's only going to get worse. When he wrote down on the calendar everything he had going on this month, then we realized that after that it's March, and that's the beginning of busy season, I said "See you in September!" Actually, I am hoping that in June we will be able to have some time. My mom is going to come down and get me and the kids after school gets out the middle of June, then we will be up in Maine for a week or so, then hopefully Nate can fly up and we will come back home together. We both love it up there, I wish we could go more often, but it's so expensive to travel, especially now that George needs a ticket, too. I guess we'd better go, though, before Ian turns two in July and then it will be REALLY expensive if we want to fly anywhere. We are going to Orlando in November, for the NSPCI show. I have no idea what that stands for, it's just something to do with pools and/or spas. We'll rent a house and Nate will go to the show and we will stay a few days after it's over. Maybe we'll go to Seaworld. The kids would probably like that. Oh, my, Grace will be almost a year old by then. Wow. I wouldn't have chosen any part of Florida to go to for vacation, but his show is down there. It'll be fun to do something all together, and probably any house we rent will be bigger than ours, so that will be nice.

Blah, blah, blah. Wow, if they have an award for the most boring blog, I would sure win it today. Oh well. Maybe I'll have more interesting things to write later on.

Bible study last night was really wonderful. I have really missed the fellowship and the learning time. I didn't even really realize til I was there. I love that everyone loves Grace there, but I worry that she's a distraction and it will bother Miss Mike. (Yeah, Misty, I think she likes you best :) Miss Mike gave us all "anxiety boxes" last night. They are to put our worries in. You write on a piece of paper what you are concerned about and then it's just a visual interpretation of giving that worry to God. Once it's in the box, you have relinquished it to the Lord. Oswald Chambers calls worry infidelity- a breach of trust with the Lord. Really, what an affront to our ever faithful loving Father, to take upon ourselves the cares of tommorow, when that is His domain. Miss Mike made a great point last night. If we can trust the Lord to carry us to Heaven, how can we not trust Him with the day to day?

Valentine's Day is coming, and I really want to do something special for Nathan. But, he doesn't want me to spend money on him, he's not into chocolate or cards really. If anyone has any ideas, let me know. He is a very hard working, logical, level headed man who's just not that romantic in the traditional sense. (Note I'm not saying he's not an absolutely amazing lover, that's a whole other story! ;) The problem is, that I am just not a very creative person, and I have a hard time coming up with ideas on my own, so if anyone reads this, let me know some things you have done for your hubby and maybe i'll just steal your ideas. :P All the things I want to do for him are so intangible, I want to destress him, I want to make him happy to be home, to make his home a happy place, to be his helpmeet, I want him to know how much I love being his wife, how special he is to me, what a great man and incredible father he is, but these aren't things you can wrap up and put a bow on the top of, but I really want to give him something to let him know how much I love him. He would be fine without getting anything, he's probably not expecting anything, but this year especially, I want him to know how much he means to me. I am going to pray that the Lord shows me what I need to do.

Speaking of things I need to do, I really need to make some calls and get the laundry put away, and my children are still in their pajamas!! So, adios, amigas!

Thursday sneaks up on me so quickly. I thought Nathan was going to take the day off today, but he just had too much to do. At least he'll have Sunday off. Maybe he'll take off tommorow or Saturday. It's supposed to be a lot nicer this weekend, warmer and sunny, instead of this horrid cold and wet weather we've been having. I don't mind cold, and I don't mind wet, but I really prefer them to be mutually exclusive of each other. Oh well. At least it's not like the cold wet we used to get in Pensacola. It was so humid down there all the time, that anytime it was cold, it was a bone chilling wet cold. The kind that can only be banished by extended time in front of a crackling fire. Unfortunately, no one we knew in Pensacola had a fireplace, so I was pretty much damp and shivering the entire winter. My mother, my conservative, proper mother thought it was just the funniest, naughtiest thing to call me a "damP yankee" after I had taken a shower. I don't know why I thought of that, it just makes me laugh. In some ways, I miss the time in Pensacola, but most of me kind of just blocks out that time from my memory. Trying to finish school, getting through those rocky first years of marriage, endometriosis pain and surgeries, two miscarriages, being in a church/school environment that was judgemental and legalistic, and the weather sucked. Of course, there were good times, but in all, I wouldn't choose to repeat my time there. How did I get to talking about that? Oh well. I actually have some time here to type. Grace is still sleeping, and the boys are watching a Veggie Tales DVD we rented yesterday. It sure is hard to find anything out there worth spending money on that you'd actually like to bring into your home. I was looking for something funny for Nate and I to watch, but most of it was just garbage! If anyone has any suggestions for good, clean, funny movies, please post a comment and tell me!! I ended up renting the old "The Odd Couple" with Jack Lemmon and Walter Mathou. We haven't watched it yet. I had to run a few quick errands after AWANA last night, and Nate was watching the President's state of the union address when I got home. He had Grace on his lap and she was really awake, it really looked like she was watching it, too. I could take her with me Wednesday night, but it's really the only time Nate gets to spend with all the kids and just him, and after the boys go to bed, he gets to have some time with his baby girl. Thursday nights I take her with me to Bible study and Nate gets to have some time just with the boys, and then I get some time with just Grace. I didn't go to Bible study last week, and I missed it. I hope Nate gets home from work in time for me to go tonight. I haven't done my study questions yet, though. I'll hopefully get to them at naptime. I have a pile of laundry to get through today. It's kind of frustrating, though, the boys naptime is when I need to wash it, but then I can't put it away until probably tommorow because they are asleep in the bedrooms, then I need to be getting supper ready after they wake up and they'll be asleep when I get home. At least I can put the clothes away in my room tonight. George takes a nap in there in the afternoon, but they sleep in the same room at night. Speaking of George, he's been doing really well the last few days telling me when he has to go pee. I have been so impressed. But, he hasn't gone #2 in 2 days now, and he usually goes at least once a day. We'll see how that turns out. Speaking of which, I should go and get them dressed. ( I guess I should get dressed too!) Wow, I just read this over and it's really boring!! Sorry to anyone who actually took the time to read this. I'll tell you some things I am going to write about one of these days....the rooster obstacle course in my neighbor's back yard, the tranquil beauty of Greenwood Pond in Maine, my thoughts on child rearing, and a voluminous essay on why I love my husband. There, that should add some excitement to this mundane post, teasers for more interesting topics. :P Ah well, time to go, my babies need me. God bless you today, whether your day is going to be as boring as mine, or fraught with interesting and exciting events. :)

tuesday

I really meant to post yesterday, but never got back to the computer while I had time!! The days around here seem to go so quickly. I know everyone with kids out there is saying "No kidding!" Really, I certainly could be busier. It's funny, now, looking back on my time when I just had one, or just had two kids, I thought I was so busy then, and it looks so easy from here, it's just perpective, I guess, but, that makes me think, well, if we have more children, once we get into homeschooling, etc.., I will probably look back at this time and think how easy it was, which makes me appreciate my circumstances more and want to accomplish more. (Boy was that ever the most poorly put together run-on sentance ever! :P) Blaaah. My level of grammatical ineptness today is making me not want to write anything. I do need to get some thoughts out of this jumbled messy mind of mine, however, so I will start by making some confessions. Well, confessions is too strong a word, perhaps admissions would be more appropriate. Misty asked the other day on a comment if I were feeling hormonal, since I am postpartum still, technically. I don't really get hormonal, in the traditional sense of getting postpartum depression, but what I do get is a very strong urge to withdraw. I find that these days, I am having to fight this feeling more and more. I don't want to talk to anybody, I don't want to go anywhere, I don't want anyone to call me or talk to me. I just want to stay in my little house with my family and have the world go away. I want everyone to forget about me, to not check up on me or keep up with me or anything. Now, I'm not upset or sad or even unhappy. It's kind of like the opposite of claustraphobia. I know this probably makes no sense, but I really feel comforted by small spaces, physically and in my sphere of interaction. I have gone through periods of this before, but it does get worse now, with my hormones out of whack. In college sometimes, I would sleep underneath the desk in my room instead of on my top bunk. (Okay, that looks really weird even just reading it...i'm not crazy, really!!:) So, that's what I've been feeling. Now, I recognize that these feelings are wrong, and extremely, completely self-centered. If I were to give in to them, I would have to ignore and snub those wonderful people in my life whom I have been blessed with as my friends. It would mean taking my focus off of the Lord, and on being a blessing to other people and putting the focus on protecting myself from whatever it is out there in the big wide world that makes me want to hide. I don't want to hide from my husband or children, though, just everyone else. Maybe there is something to that. Maybe I just feel overwhelmed with trying to care for my family like I should and so I want to be able to focus more on them. I think I am in a period of adjustment, and this will get better. The more I dwell on my craving for isolation, however, the more intense becomes the desire. I think this may be one thought that is better left without overanalyzation. It seems to gather validity in my mind the more I try to sort through it. So, I will acknowledge that to give in to these feelings would be selfish and sinful, and endeavor to be a friend to those who need one and to be available and seeking opportunities to be a blessing to those outside my household.

Oh, on an entirely differant note altogether....I too often get caught up in the day to day of diapers, spit up, dishes, dirt and mess, and don't even look in the mirror in the morning. I throw on some comfy clothes, put my hair up in a ponytail and then don't even think of what I am presenting to my husband as he walks in the door. I know this is a riciculously fundamental principle to "winning" a man, but I have really let it slide, until, yesterday, I had a little wake up call. As many other days, I hadn't even really looked in the mirror all day, and certainly had made no provisions for looking halfway decent. Nate came home, we ate dinner, I got the boys to bed, and then was drawing water for Grace's bath when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I knew of course that the mirror was there, but just wasn't exactly expecting to see myself, and had one of those moments when you see as if through another person's eyes, and what I saw wasn't very nice. Greasy hair in a messy ponytail. Oversized spit up on sweatshirt, dirty jeans, and no makeup. And I'm not like some lucky people who are naturally beautiful and can get away with not wearing makeup and still look gorgeaus (Misty). If I don't have mascara and brow powder on, you can barely see my eyes. I am natually pretty pale and colorless, and with sleep deprivation putting puffy black circles under my eyes, I especially need some help. Anyway, that was the woman I saw in the mirror and I immediately thought how unappealing that was for my husband to come home to. I came right out and apologized to him. He smiled and said it was okay and gave me a hug. I could tell, though, that his eyes exactly agreed with my revelation, and he was glad I had come to it. He is such a wonderful and caring man, he has never said anything bad about my appearance, not after gaining weight, not after stretch marks, not even greasy hair and no makeup, he is so accepting, butI know it means something to him when I do make an effort, and I am now recognizing this as a vital part of my "resolution" Of course, my behaviour has to be beautiful, that matters more, but men are visual creatures, and it's just icing on the "nice wife cake" if I do try my best to be attractive to him. I will admit, though, there have been days when I have been to the end of my rope and had such a hard day, I almost want him to take one look at me and realize how poor me had to suffer so, blah, blah, blah....but really, do I want him to pity me, or be attracted to me? It doesn't take a rocket scientist to come to the logical conclusion there. Isn't he worth the effort? Didn't I try and make myself as attractive to him as I could when we were dating? I don't think I will ever regret doing everything I can to be pleasing to my husband. That being said, I am going to go try to get a little beauty sleep before the boys wake up!