Why

Why is vitriolic sarcasm always my knee jerk reaction when my feelings get hurt by my husband? It doesn't help anything, it only makes me madder, and him more distanced from me. A friend put on her blog last night that she had to go because her husband gets jealous when she's on the computer. Nate was reading it with me and I laughed at that, and he said he does, too. The way I took it was her husband gets jealous for her attention. Nate has never been very verbal about letting me know he enjoys being with me, so I was surprised when he said he agreed. Then he said "Yeah, there's stuff I could be looking at on the computer." Obviously Nate took the comment to mean that her husband was jealous of the computer's attention. When I told him I thought her husband wanted to spend time with his wife and not the computer, he said "Oh.." and made a face like "Why would anyone think that?" As I said, it was a sweet surprise when I thought he was saying he was jealous of my attention, so it was a letdown when I realized that thought wouldn't have occured to him. I don't even remember exactly what I said, but I just immediately turned on the bitter sarcasm and was not acting loving at all. I know my husband loves me, but there are many times when I wonder if he likes me, just to be with me. He is a wonderful man, and has proved over and over again that he loves me and he has never failed in providing for or protecting our family. Why do all of the good things fly out of my mind as soon as something negative happens? It's almost like I'm searching for something to prove right that part of me that says I just know he doesn't like me, he must be so dissatisfied with me, he hates being married to me...and on and on it goes. And then, I have to throw up these walls of sarcastic defense to try and convince myself that it doesn't hurt to be faced with the fact that the person I enjoy being with the most, whose attentions I continually crave, that he really doesn't like to be with me. I know, you're probably saying "Whoa, she's really blowing this out of proportion." *Sigh* , maybe I am. I've thought of nothing but this since it happened last night. Half feeling guilty for and disgusted by my reaction, and half feeling overwhelmed by the reality that my mind has fixated upon, that he doesn't want to be with me. Now, this is the true test of my "resolution" and clearly, I failed. My role is to be his helpmeet, not his hero. Part of my role is to serve him. Someone once told me that the true test of a servant is whether you act like one when you are treated like one. Especially entering into the busy season, there is no place in a healthy relationship for "poor me" mentality. Even if he does like to be with me, he's not going to have time to. If I am going to be a real help and support to him, I need to let go now of any clingy need or expectation for his attention. I think I see now why the Lord let this little conversation between Nate and I take place. For one thing, to show me the immature and self centered nature of my reactions , and also to re emphasize to me that my loving and respecting and caring for my husband has less to do with his actions than it has to do with my being obedient to the Lord. I have so far to go in my journey towards being the person and the wife I need to be. And yet, so often, I fail to seek the One who is the source of all the strength I need to carry out these responsibilities He has entrusted to me. Lord, forgive me, guide me, use me for Your glory.