tuesday

I really meant to post yesterday, but never got back to the computer while I had time!! The days around here seem to go so quickly. I know everyone with kids out there is saying "No kidding!" Really, I certainly could be busier. It's funny, now, looking back on my time when I just had one, or just had two kids, I thought I was so busy then, and it looks so easy from here, it's just perpective, I guess, but, that makes me think, well, if we have more children, once we get into homeschooling, etc.., I will probably look back at this time and think how easy it was, which makes me appreciate my circumstances more and want to accomplish more. (Boy was that ever the most poorly put together run-on sentance ever! :P) Blaaah. My level of grammatical ineptness today is making me not want to write anything. I do need to get some thoughts out of this jumbled messy mind of mine, however, so I will start by making some confessions. Well, confessions is too strong a word, perhaps admissions would be more appropriate. Misty asked the other day on a comment if I were feeling hormonal, since I am postpartum still, technically. I don't really get hormonal, in the traditional sense of getting postpartum depression, but what I do get is a very strong urge to withdraw. I find that these days, I am having to fight this feeling more and more. I don't want to talk to anybody, I don't want to go anywhere, I don't want anyone to call me or talk to me. I just want to stay in my little house with my family and have the world go away. I want everyone to forget about me, to not check up on me or keep up with me or anything. Now, I'm not upset or sad or even unhappy. It's kind of like the opposite of claustraphobia. I know this probably makes no sense, but I really feel comforted by small spaces, physically and in my sphere of interaction. I have gone through periods of this before, but it does get worse now, with my hormones out of whack. In college sometimes, I would sleep underneath the desk in my room instead of on my top bunk. (Okay, that looks really weird even just reading it...i'm not crazy, really!!:) So, that's what I've been feeling. Now, I recognize that these feelings are wrong, and extremely, completely self-centered. If I were to give in to them, I would have to ignore and snub those wonderful people in my life whom I have been blessed with as my friends. It would mean taking my focus off of the Lord, and on being a blessing to other people and putting the focus on protecting myself from whatever it is out there in the big wide world that makes me want to hide. I don't want to hide from my husband or children, though, just everyone else. Maybe there is something to that. Maybe I just feel overwhelmed with trying to care for my family like I should and so I want to be able to focus more on them. I think I am in a period of adjustment, and this will get better. The more I dwell on my craving for isolation, however, the more intense becomes the desire. I think this may be one thought that is better left without overanalyzation. It seems to gather validity in my mind the more I try to sort through it. So, I will acknowledge that to give in to these feelings would be selfish and sinful, and endeavor to be a friend to those who need one and to be available and seeking opportunities to be a blessing to those outside my household.

Oh, on an entirely differant note altogether....I too often get caught up in the day to day of diapers, spit up, dishes, dirt and mess, and don't even look in the mirror in the morning. I throw on some comfy clothes, put my hair up in a ponytail and then don't even think of what I am presenting to my husband as he walks in the door. I know this is a riciculously fundamental principle to "winning" a man, but I have really let it slide, until, yesterday, I had a little wake up call. As many other days, I hadn't even really looked in the mirror all day, and certainly had made no provisions for looking halfway decent. Nate came home, we ate dinner, I got the boys to bed, and then was drawing water for Grace's bath when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I knew of course that the mirror was there, but just wasn't exactly expecting to see myself, and had one of those moments when you see as if through another person's eyes, and what I saw wasn't very nice. Greasy hair in a messy ponytail. Oversized spit up on sweatshirt, dirty jeans, and no makeup. And I'm not like some lucky people who are naturally beautiful and can get away with not wearing makeup and still look gorgeaus (Misty). If I don't have mascara and brow powder on, you can barely see my eyes. I am natually pretty pale and colorless, and with sleep deprivation putting puffy black circles under my eyes, I especially need some help. Anyway, that was the woman I saw in the mirror and I immediately thought how unappealing that was for my husband to come home to. I came right out and apologized to him. He smiled and said it was okay and gave me a hug. I could tell, though, that his eyes exactly agreed with my revelation, and he was glad I had come to it. He is such a wonderful and caring man, he has never said anything bad about my appearance, not after gaining weight, not after stretch marks, not even greasy hair and no makeup, he is so accepting, butI know it means something to him when I do make an effort, and I am now recognizing this as a vital part of my "resolution" Of course, my behaviour has to be beautiful, that matters more, but men are visual creatures, and it's just icing on the "nice wife cake" if I do try my best to be attractive to him. I will admit, though, there have been days when I have been to the end of my rope and had such a hard day, I almost want him to take one look at me and realize how poor me had to suffer so, blah, blah, blah....but really, do I want him to pity me, or be attracted to me? It doesn't take a rocket scientist to come to the logical conclusion there. Isn't he worth the effort? Didn't I try and make myself as attractive to him as I could when we were dating? I don't think I will ever regret doing everything I can to be pleasing to my husband. That being said, I am going to go try to get a little beauty sleep before the boys wake up!