I have really been struggling lately. I'm beginning to wonder if perhaps I might have a little PPD. I don't even want to talk about, it is so in my nature to put on a fake smile and always say that everything is fine. I know the root of this is that I have been neglecting to spend the time with the Lord that I should be. As days go by, I feel myself slipping further from His guidance and strength, and deeper into the crippled weakness I hold, where thoughts of despair and a gripping awareness of my failures run increasingly rampant and unchecked. I know this is not of the Lord, I know that He has wisdom and peace and strength for me. Today I am determined to seek it with more than just my intentions. I came to a realization last night. The devil wants me to hate my husband. He wants me to despise caring for my children. He wants me to believe that I am too far from God to come back into the sweet fellowship that is now becoming only a dim memory. The devil wants me to withdraw, he wants me to hide and feel trapped in this bubble where the only reality is the constant review of my inadequacies, my failures, and my fears. Last night, or I should say, early this morning, trying to get the baby to go to sleep, I kind of hit a wall. I was in that bubble. Resentment and fatigue and despair were the only thoughts I seemed able to dwell on, and then, it was like God flashed a glimpse of His reality before my eyes. For a moment, I saw my thoughts for what they were- SIN. I saw the devil, triumphant in his victory of winning my mind, and I saw the Lord, waiting for me to return, with his nail pierced hands stretched out to receive me, to care for me, to guide me, and to use me for His glory. This morning, I still want to hide, I still want to despair, I still want to be bitter, but I will not. I will not let the devil win, I will not waste this precious time in my life with self-centered thoughts and actions.

I have been blessed to have come into contact with some wonderful and wise women of the Lord, via their blogs, and this morning I read back through Molly's (www.threepennies.blogdrive.com) posts as of late. I've never met her, but God has used her to bless me so much. A few days ago, she posted about an article concerning stay at home moms. In the comments to her post there was a beautiful song written by Lani...

The Least of These

"I'm pursuing God, is HE here?
I'm down on my knees, is He here?
10 scraped knees
A floor full of debris
Is He here?
While I clean up crumbs
And wipe dirty bums,
Is He here?
Is He here?
I'm pursuing God, is He here?
I'm lifting up my hands, is He here?
Through trials and tears
Unreasonable fears,
Is He here?
Bottles of meds
Vomit in beds, Is He here?
Is he here?
My mountain tops are far apart
But passion burns within my heart
To see your face
Look in your eyes
Feel your arms
I long to fly
I long to fly
Above the normal things that are each day
The mundane stuff just gets in my way
You said you would walk with me
Even here
Even now
Among 10 scraped knees
A floor full of debris
While I clean up crumbs
And change dirty bums
I am shaping history
For the very least of these
May someday be the one
Who'll bring many to the Son
Thank you for this ministry
There's glory here in my 4 walls
While I'm on my knees pursuing youI'll pick up after the least of these..."

That is just where I'm at, Thankyou, Lani, I don't know who you are, but I know you are a vessel of God's truth. Also from Molly's blog, was a poem written by Carmen Friedrich. Again, I don't know this talented woman of God, all I know is that she is another instrument of God's grace in my life. Here is her poem...

"The Day of Small Things(Dedicated to all the young mothers whose weariness and frustrations I understand...Zechariah 4:10)

Fretful wailing pierced the night;
I wearily switched on the light.
Calming babies, soothing fears,
Shedding bitter, angry tears.
Must my strength be all poured out?
So, discontent, I start to doubt.

Seeing others free to roam,
With pretty clothes and spotless homes,
While little ones to my legs cling.
Dirty laundry and apron strings
Seem to be my lot in life,
Grumpy mommy, weary wife.

Packed away in mothballs now,
Diplomas, ribbons, awards show how
The world once gave me accolades
As all my talents I displayed.
So many dishes now crowd the sink,
My overflowing brain can't think.

As I grumble, baby sleeps,
Quietness over my spirit creeps.
My joy comes not from flimsy stuff:
His strength in weakness is enough.
It's wrong to think I'm in a cell;
Wide's the space God gives to dwell.

How could I forget that when
I willingly submit, it's then
My joy is full, I'm made complete,
Prostrate and worshipful at God's feet?
Small things and trials I mustn't despise,
But see them, trusting, through His eyes."

That's what I want to do, to see things through His eyes.