I just got done posting below, and then saw all the responses to my post yesterday. I was really brought to tears over everyone's reaching out and praying for me. It means so much that people have taken the time to bring me before our Heavenly Father in prayer. I just wanted to say Thankyou! I'm sure I will feel better soon. I know God has a purpose in this, and I need to not question why, just what He is trying to teach me. Thankyou again, everyone for praying and for caring. :)

Well, the Dr. said yesterday I could have the tail end of an upper UTI like I had last year, so he gave me some samples of antibiotics. (I'm not pregnant, btw) He said he thought it was more likely endometiosis, though. So, today begins the cutting out of all the junk in my diet in the hopes that it will make me feel better. My asthma is acting up today, too, because of the humidity. We are actually having a wicked thunderstorm right now. I am about to hit a wall here, I think. Grace nursed about every two hours yesterday and every 2 1/2 last night. I am so fatigued, besides not getting sleep, being in pain wears me out and now I am struggling for breath, which always makes me tired. I have used my inhaler twice this morning already. Maybe it'll get better this afternoon. The kids are being really good today, though, so far, so that is a blessing. Nate got home a little after 8 last night, instead of 10:30 like the previous two nights, and we had a really good talk. He has been having such trouble with converting to new computer systems at work and he said he didn't know what God was trying to teach him, but things have been almost miraculously not working. He's getting sick, too. His diet sucks and he doesn't get enough rest, on top of just being stressed out with everything at work. I wish I could be more of a help to him. I know talking helps him, though, at least a little, and I'm glad we had a chance to last night. I'm really hoping he can come home early tonight. The kids haven't seen him since Sunday. The boys are watching Sesame Street right now. (Thankyou Lord, for public television!!) They have watched a lot of it this week, becaue I have been feeling so crappy. I should just be thankful I don't feel like this all the time, and that It's not worse, which it very well could be. I have been praying for Cheryl, from the WAH message board, she is having real health problems right now, and can't seem to get a break. If you read this, please pray also for my little nephew Egan. He has a staph infection on his bottom, and his parents can't afford the antibiotic. They were supposed to get on some kind of state medicare program which hopefully will go into effect tommorow. Just pray that he gets well and no one else gets the infection.

I'm going to the doctor this afternoon. I hate having to go, I hate having to inconvenience someone to watch my children. (Although Nate's mom is so sweet and helpful) I really don't think I am pregnant. I am really hoping it's an infection that can be quickly cleared up with antibiotics. I had an infection in my kidneys last year at about this time, and once I got on medication, I started to feel better almost immediately. That's what I need, to feel better now. I have people depending on me for things, I need to take care of my children, I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!!! I can barely stand up straight this morning, it hurts so badly. If I am sitting down bent over, or laying down with a heating pad on, it's tolerable. Unfortunately, those positions are impossible with three little children. I am afraid I know what Dr. Boddy is going to say. He's not going to be able to give me any answers and then I will know that it is probably the endo coming back, and that is the worst option here. No quick fix, just pain and discomfort and inability to function. I really do not want to have another surgery, that's another thing I totally don't have time for. I know that my endo is (or at least was in the past), very stress related. I am having a hard time not being stressed this time of year. I know Nate's job requires a lot of him, but it requires a lot of me, too. It's hard not to feel abandoned when he's working so much, and doesn't even see the children for days at a time. It's hard not to take it personally, or attach some emotion to the fact that he's gone for 12-14 hours a day, 6 days a week. That's what his job requires, though, and he wouldn't be doing it to the best of his ability if he worked less....that's what I keep telling myself. That's what I tell myself at 10 at night when I am utterly exhausted and alone and can't sleep if he's not next to me. That's what I keep reminding myself when he won't even give me an hour extra to rest. I soooo need to get my eyes off myself in this. He's tired, too, he's overworked and frustrated with having to work so much. I suppose it could be argued that he doesn't delegate well, but he's a perfectionist, and it almost causes him more stress to give a job to someone he knows won't do as good of a job on it as he would. I said I wasn't going to do this, this year. I said I was going to be supportive and understanding and focus on what he needed. You know, maybe this little monkey wrench of sickness is a good test of my resolve. Can I still keep my eyes on the Lord and on serving my husband and children when I am having trouble functioning myself? The answer has to be "Yes", but only with the Lord's strength. I really want to just sit here and complain and whine and have a little poor me pity party, but what does that accomplish? It gets my eyes more on myself and less on the Lord Who brought this circumstance into my life. I will endeavor to remember. I'll post more when I get back from the doctor's.

I don't feel good. Something is wrong, and feels more wrong every day. Is it my period coming? Is it endometriosis? Am I pregnant? Do I have another kidney infection? I'm dragging around, tired, dizzy, bloated, crampy, and the pain right over my ovaries is pretty constant now. Sometimes I feel the same corrosive, acidy type pain in my whole abdomen. When I had endo before, the pain was really localized over my ovaries. I had two miscarriages and two surgeries in two years. When I had my second surgery, it was all over my insides, with lesions wrapped around my ovaries, and an endometrioma inside my right ovary. My fallopian tubes were totally blocked. But, four months and one miscarriage after my surgery, I got pregnant with George and haven't had any trouble with it since. It really scares me that it might be coming back. I could not take care of my children if it got as bad as it did in Pensacola. But then I think, how could I be having trouble with endo if I'm not even having a period yet? I did spot one day last week, and thought for sure my period was coming. Then, maybe I am pregnant. To be totally, brutally honest, that option scares me almost as badly as the endometriosis. I know this sounds just terrible, and I know that children are a blessing, but I could not handle it. I know it is supremely arrogant to think my plans are better than the Lords, but it would be so much better if we could wait a few years before having more. If I were pregnant right now, I might have to stop nursing Grace, and I have trouble now making sure I'm spending enough time and attention with the children I do have. And I know this sounds very selfish, but my body is just worn out. I have been pregnant or nursing or both for four years now, and I need a break. Three pregnancies in three years has been a lot. It gets harder every time, and it just makes me want to cry to just think of the physical work involved in carrying, delivering and caring for another baby less than a year away, especially with the lack of help that Nathan gives. He is such a good father, when he is around, but that just isn't too often. He took two days off of work when I had Grace. I am so happy with my baby girl right now, I just don't want anything to take away from that. I have so many friends who deserve, would do better with, and who are wishing to be pregnant right now. I know I sound so ungrateful, if God has blessed us with another child on the way, I should only be happy and excited. I guess I'm just baring my sinful soul here. I know I shouldn't even be thinking these things, and if I am pregnant, of course I would be happy, just utterly overwhelmed. Of course, thinking about these things this time of year, when I am basically a single parent just makes it seem even more overwhelming. I might go to the Dr. just to see if I do have an infection or am pregnant. I just want it to go away! I was feeling so great, I was exercising every day, then this started and now I can't even imagine having enough energy to exercise. Wow, what a depressing post. I should probably erase it, but I won't, just so I have a record of how lousy I am feeling, and how lousy my attitude was today. I hope to post more later that sounds better, but for now, I'm sticking with nasty honesty.

Tomorrow is Easter. It has really snuck up on me this year. I am going to tell George the real story of Easter today, and we are going to do a little egg hunt tonight. They got some candy and presents in the mail from relatives, and I will give them the little Easter bowls that Miss Creative Sweet Misty made for us on Thursday night. This morning we are going to a park with some friends in Carrollton. I was going to pack a lunch, but I was too tired last night to make bread, so we will just probably go to Wendy's. The kids will love it. On another note, I sure wish I would hurry up and start this period. I feel like I've been about to start for weeks now. One day, I even bled a tiny bit, but then it went away. Yesterday I had awful cramps, and they're still here this morning, only not nearly as bad. I've never been one to get PMS very bad, but I have definitely had some days here lately. I just feel bloated and crampy and cranky, and I just want to get it started and over with. Well, on that happy note, I've got to start getting ready for my day. Happy Easter!!

It's Wednesday afternoon. Ian is still sleeping, George is watching a Beatrix Potter video and Grace is laughing in her Johnny Jump-Up. Nate should be home by 6 (hopefully!) and then I am off to Awana. I am taking Gracie with me tonight. They will be thrilled in the nursery, they love to have her. I am going to be gone all day tommorow, I am going in to Douglasville to babysit for my friend Amy. I'm watching her younger two in the morning while she goes to her older one's Easter party at his school, then in the afternoon, I am watching all 3 of hers so she can go to a teacher parent meeting. We will just spend the whole day there. I haven't seen her in a long time, so it will be nice to visit with her, but I am not looking forward to being gone all day and the boys schedules being messed up. I need to make bread when I get home from Awana tonight. I make bread for Amy's family, too. She is pregnant and my bread is one of the only things she can eat consistently. It is a real blessing to be able to help her in this way. Tommorow afternoon, a plumber is meeting Nate her to look at our basement and give him a quote on how much it would be to do the work down there. He came highly recommended, and I am soooo excited for something to be done down there. I hope it's not too expensive and that he can do it soon. When that's done, Nate can put the subflooring down, then we have the name of another guy who will do the heating and air. Once the plumbing and air are in down there, it will practically be livable!! I'm hoping my parents can come in August and stay down there. It will be nice for them to have their own bathroom, and it gets pretty crowded having all three kids in our room when we have company. I don't know how people who do family beds get any sleep. I have finished two of the four letters I need to mail out before the end of the month for the Women At Home mail chain. I got a really nice card yesterday from Carolyn Morrison from Iowa. It was so cool to get an encouraging card from someone I didn't even know! I am kind of stumped as to what to write, I hope I do it right. It's fun to write to people, though, and it has made me have to get to know the people I am writing to, by looking at their posts, and checking out their blogs. I am enjoying it. I almost decided to stop being a part of the WAH message board, I was going to tell them to take me off the mail list and just not do it, but I am so glad that I stayed. It's been a blessing already. I don't have nearly the time to spend on the computer that I did while I was pregnant, but it's nice to be part of something "out there" beyond my day to day. Well, I need to put some makeup on so I don't scare everyone at church tonight, so I'd better go!!

Monday again. Well, I had been doing so well trying to eat better and exercising. Then I got Billy Blanks Tae Bo video last week. I exercised 4 days, and Saturday did the cardio part of the tae bo, after doing the Foundation part Thursday. It is so intense, About 15 minutes into it, I had to stop and use my inhaler. I haven't really caught my breath since. I am (maybe) starting to see a little differance in how my clothes fit. I finally broke down and bought a pair of jeans at Goodwill and they were a smaller size than I had been wearing. But, they were also a differant brand than I had ever worn, so I don't know if they run big, small, etc.. I am just going to try to do my Pilates video every afternoon this week. Next Sunday is the day when I wanted to be able to fit into that outfit. I haven't tried it on since the beginning of the month. We'll see!

On another note, if anyone wants to see my adorable little nephew, go to www.mainehospital.org, and click on the new births. Egan David, son of Audra and David Buchanan. He looks so precious. I guess they are all doing well. It's kind of sad that both my brothers are done having kids now. They both have had vasectomies in the last 6 months. My older brother has 2 children, 8 and 9, from differant women. He was married for 3 years, didn't have any kids with that woman, then divorced, and met and married Misty, and now they have a 3 month old son. Misty also had a 9 year old boy from her previous marriage. So, between them, they have 4. My younger brother's wife had a little girl from a previous relationship. My brother adopted her when he and Audra got married, and now they have this baby boy together, so they have 2. In both situations, I can see their "reasons" for wanting to not have any more. My older brother pays about 1/2 his check in child support, and neither of them want any more, and my younger brother's wife has just had her 2nd (actually medically necessary) C-section and they don't want any more, either. It just kind of makes me feel sad that they won't have any more. I can't imagine being done at 2, or even 4. I know that's not a very popular opinion today. Nate was just saying last night that people just can't believe we want any more. He asked if there's some unwritten rule that you have to stop after 3. Especially after Grace was just born, several people said to me "Oh, now you have your girl, you can stop now." As if someone were forcing us to have our children in the first place. Nate and I do not know how many, if any, more children the Lord will bless us with, but we know the He has placed within our hearts a strong desire for more.

I love being the mama

I love being the Mama. I love being the all-time loser at Candyland so my three year old can yell "I'm the champion!!" one more time. I love being the only one who can decipher my 20 month old's whinings and pointings that mean he wants cranberry grape juice in his purple cup. I love being the tickle monster. I love never having to miss their first intelligible words, their first jokes, their first words read outloud. I love making green play-doh snowmen and having my kids laugh out loud at the funny expression on the snowman. I love having my baby fall asleep on my chest with her fingers wound through my hair. I love seeing my ears, my eyes, my dimples on a tiny beautiful person and appreciating them for the first time because of it. I love being the one that the baby smiles at the quickest. I love being the one they run to when they're hurt. I love blowing bubbles at bathtime. I love explaining where the moon is hiding, why we can't have lunch after we're sleeping, and why the cat can't say more than "Mouw." I love playing peekaboo, horsey, and airplane. I love hearing enthusiastic thankyou's when I give them toast for breakfast, PB and J for lunch, and pancakes for supper. I love teaching them to pray, teaching them to love, teaching them to live. I love hearing my three year old thank God for keeping Daddy safe, every time he prays. I love hearing "I did it!" I love seeing them love their reflections in the mirror. (In the store the other day, after going through an aisle of mirrors, hearing George say to himself "Wow, there was a lot of cute Georges in those mirrors:)
I love getting presents of rubber duckys wrapped in blankets and having them yell "Surprise!!" when I open it up for the third time in 15 minutes. I love making lego houses and pillow forts. I love pushing on the swings, and catching them as they come down the slide. I love late night nursings with pink fuzzy babies who just want to look up at you and smile and let the milk dribble down their cheek. I love picking dandelion bouquets. I love having rocks pointed out to me in wonder. I love baby shrieking giggles and toddler belly laughs. I love impressing my children by knowing all the words to the Veggie Tales songs. I love doing pinky-p on their toes 12 times after they get out of the bathtub. I love being the only one who knows where to give kisses and how to give the right kind of bear hug. I love taking pictures of toothy grins with spaghetti sauce all over their faces. I love reading "Curious George and the Hot Air Balloon" 187 times until I know the words without looking. Some days, I forget. Some days, I let myself focus on the negatives and the hard parts, but I can never get beyond the wonder that God allowed this blessing into my life, that He gave me these precious little lives to care for. Thankyou Lord.

That was Grace on her three month birthday, which is also, incidentally, exactly a year from when she was conceived. :) 

Here's Grace with her care bear 

M ypunk rock munchkins 

Here's George 

This was yesterday before Nate cut the boys hair. Here's Ian 

new nephew :)

I have a new nephew!!! My mom called last night and said that my brother's wife had her baby yesterday afternoon. She was trying for a VBAC, and was going to one of the two only hospitals in Maine that will even "let" you attempt one. I don't know any details, but my mom said she ended up having to have another C-section. I hope she's not very disappointed, she so very much wanted to have a natural birth this time. But, my mom said she and the baby are doing well. The kid doesn't have a name yet. (his big sister was 4 days without a name) If anyone reads this, please pray that my sister in law, Audra, will be recovering, physically and emotionally. I will post more when I hear more details. On another note, I have done my Pilates crunch aerobics video every weekday now since Friday the 4th. I don't think I have lost any inches yet, but it definitely has given me a greater awareness of keeping my stomach muscles (they're in there somewhere!) tightened. I would like to get another video, if anyone knows of a really good one, let me know. Of course I know my reading audience is so vast here, so I am sure to get 12 responses. :P Well, we must go to Wal-mart, have a great day!!!

It's Monday morning again. I don't have anything real important to say, I just wanted to write something since I haven't in a few days. The bridal shower at church this Saturday went really well. It was for a couple that are going to the mission field. The guy and his family go to our church, but his fiance doesn't. I gave a devotional. I was so nervous, and really just wanted the Lord to speak through me and it be a blessing, and not to get in the way of the message. Part of what I read was Colossians 3:12-17. When you look at those verses in the context of marriage, I think they take on a really powerful meaning. After the shower, Nate and I went on a long overdue date. It was the first time we had been out without Grace. I am soooo thankful for Nate's parents taking care of the kids. It's so nice to know they are somewhere they love to be, and with people who have the same ideas about parenting that we do. It was so great to be out with Nate. I feel like the Lord really blessed our conversations, and we had such good talks. We ate at Ted's Montana Grill. They make everything from scratch, they said the only thing in their freezer is ice cream. It was really good, if a little pricey. I had a grilled chicken salad. I always get that. I told Karen and George my goal is to have a grilled chicken salad at every restaurant there is. So far, I've had one at Chick-fil-A, McDonalds, Wendys, Zaxby's, IHOP, Chili's, Ruby Tuesday, Folks, Applebees, and that other place I can't think of the name of. If anyone knows of a good g.c.s. somewhere else, let me know. I have to say, my favorite's have been Wendy's Mandarin chicken salad, and Zaxby's, but the one Saturday night was really good, too, better than Wendy's. Anyway, I'm so glad we got to go out. I think Nate is even going to take a day off this week to seed our brown lawn, that will be nice. Well, I must go, we've got to run in to Carrollton to do some errands. I'll write more later!!

my three blessings and me 

I don't have much time to write, I just wanted to say how much I love my children. Gracie just nursed and filled up her diaper, and she's just sitting here smiling at me. Ian's teething troubles are better today, and he just kept wanting to give me kisses. George has a croupy like cough and a runny nose, but he's still so good and helpful. Yesterday was really stressful, everyone was whiny and troublesome, and I was impatient. I didn't react as I should have, and last night the Lord reminded me what an incredible blessing my kids are. I am so thankful for them, and I love them so much. I never could have done anything to deserve being entrusted with the love and care and education of these precious children, they are a great example of God's grace. :)

Questions

How has the general public become so disgustingly ignorant of the correct use of the English language?!?!? Just in the past few days, I have been flabbergasted by people's lack of understanding and ineptness in grammar and spelling. Now, I don't always spell things correctly, and probably my sentance structure is often confusing. I'm talking about gross mistakes, by adults, that you would expect from a child. For example, I was in the changing room at Wal-mart yesterday, and a sign on the wall said not to remove hygienic liners or tags when trying on swim suits or "Under Ware." It was written just like that, two seperate words, both capitalized. Maybe I'm the ignorant one here, is there a new form of under garment out there that this is referring to? I tend to think not. The funny thing is, it was on a computer printed paper, so they could have done spell check. I suppose "under" and "ware" are both spelled correctly, though. Maybe the just need to make a "duh-check" to complement spellcheck. Another great example of this I saw while reading reviews of this resort we are considering going to in Orlando in November. One person spelled the word "probably" "prolly" not once but several times!! I couldn't believe it. Then, another person used the word "weary" in place of the word "leery." Amazing. About the resort, I need to get some advice. Nate has this pool show in Orlando the first week of November, which is why we're going, and now he has brought up the idea that his friend Dan and family should go with us. Dan is the manager of the store in Carrollton, and Nate's best friend. He is very much the opposite of Nate, very talkative, wants to be the center of attention, a flirt. He's like a brother to me, but I can only take so much of him. And, his wife and I don't have much in common with, and I don't think she likes me. We haven't even seen each other in months. They have three cute but badly behaved little girls. It would be one thing to go on vacation with some really close friends, but I just don't like the idea of going with them. Nathan is gone so much during the summer, by the fall, we are so far apart, that we really need some time together to reconnect as a family, and I really don't want to share him. Am I just being selfish? I told Nate that whatever he decided would be fine with me, but I didn't really mean it. I don't want to just be selfish and mean here, but I just really don't want them to go!! I have prayed that the Lord would change my heart or change his mind. Anyone have any thoughts on this?

Well, I should probably go, I have too much to do, and not nearly enough ambition or time to do it all in. I'll maybe post more later this afternoon or evening, I have something I need to talk about.

2 months old 

I think she looks so pretty in peach 

Isn't he funny!! 

Friday already!! It was so nice today. I took the kids out to run some errands today, and had on a t-shirt. Bring on the sunshine, I loooove it!! I took some movies back to Blockbuster, took some clothes back to Babies R' Us, bought some more clothes for Grace in exchange, and a baby bathtub. I can't wait to use it!! Someone gave me $25 at my baby shower, and this tub I wanted was $20. Perfect. It's got a sling thing you can put in the sink, then put it in the little tub, and it has a ring to go around baby's belly when they are sitting up, then you can take out the sling or ring and just use it as a toddler tub. If I were really net savvy, I'd find it and put a link, but I have no clue how to do that. Then, we picked up a few things at Wal-mart, including a new set of clippers so Nate can give the boys haircuts, (They look so scraggly now!) and then we went to Kohl's and got Nate some dress pants for $7 !!(Thanks for telling me about the sale, Misty!!) The man is so hard on clothes and he wears docker type pants to work everyday, so I am constantly on the lookout for nice, cheap dress pants. Then we went to Wendy's. I hadn't been to that Wendy's in a long time, and I don't think I'll go back, either. I ordered a chicken sandwitch and drink for me, which they got right, but then I ordered two hamburger kids meals with oranges and Hi-C for the kids, and they gave me two cheeseburger meals with fries and Sprite!!! Duh!! It took them like 10 minutes to get it right, too. It's a good thing I am such a gracious and patient person. (If Nate read that, he'd probably laugh out loud ;) Anyway, then we came home and I got the boys down for a nap and nursed Grace and was feeling ambitious (or fat) and decided to do my Pilates aerobic video. I am sooooo out of shape!! Even doing the modified version of things, I could barely keep up. I felt pretty good by the end of it, though, sweaty but not out of breath. I have really paid no attention to watching what I eat or even attempted any exercise since Grace was born, and I think I am finallly fed up enough with myself that I am ready to start making better choices. Besides the fact that I have hardly any clothes that I fit into right now. There is an outfit that I wore for Nate's brothers wedding that Nate really likes, and I really want to fit into it to wear it for Easter. I don't know if that's a reasonable goal, I haven't even tried it on, but I know it won't fit now. The skirt is a 12 and there's a jacket that goes with it. It's really springy and pretty and I can wear pearls with it, which Nate loves, and I really hope I can wear it, and comfortably, too. We'll see. If not, at least it gives me a goal to work towards to kickstart my motivation. Speaking of which, I should probably start getting supper ready. Ta Ta for now!!:)