I don't feel good. Something is wrong, and feels more wrong every day. Is it my period coming? Is it endometriosis? Am I pregnant? Do I have another kidney infection? I'm dragging around, tired, dizzy, bloated, crampy, and the pain right over my ovaries is pretty constant now. Sometimes I feel the same corrosive, acidy type pain in my whole abdomen. When I had endo before, the pain was really localized over my ovaries. I had two miscarriages and two surgeries in two years. When I had my second surgery, it was all over my insides, with lesions wrapped around my ovaries, and an endometrioma inside my right ovary. My fallopian tubes were totally blocked. But, four months and one miscarriage after my surgery, I got pregnant with George and haven't had any trouble with it since. It really scares me that it might be coming back. I could not take care of my children if it got as bad as it did in Pensacola. But then I think, how could I be having trouble with endo if I'm not even having a period yet? I did spot one day last week, and thought for sure my period was coming. Then, maybe I am pregnant. To be totally, brutally honest, that option scares me almost as badly as the endometriosis. I know this sounds just terrible, and I know that children are a blessing, but I could not handle it. I know it is supremely arrogant to think my plans are better than the Lords, but it would be so much better if we could wait a few years before having more. If I were pregnant right now, I might have to stop nursing Grace, and I have trouble now making sure I'm spending enough time and attention with the children I do have. And I know this sounds very selfish, but my body is just worn out. I have been pregnant or nursing or both for four years now, and I need a break. Three pregnancies in three years has been a lot. It gets harder every time, and it just makes me want to cry to just think of the physical work involved in carrying, delivering and caring for another baby less than a year away, especially with the lack of help that Nathan gives. He is such a good father, when he is around, but that just isn't too often. He took two days off of work when I had Grace. I am so happy with my baby girl right now, I just don't want anything to take away from that. I have so many friends who deserve, would do better with, and who are wishing to be pregnant right now. I know I sound so ungrateful, if God has blessed us with another child on the way, I should only be happy and excited. I guess I'm just baring my sinful soul here. I know I shouldn't even be thinking these things, and if I am pregnant, of course I would be happy, just utterly overwhelmed. Of course, thinking about these things this time of year, when I am basically a single parent just makes it seem even more overwhelming. I might go to the Dr. just to see if I do have an infection or am pregnant. I just want it to go away! I was feeling so great, I was exercising every day, then this started and now I can't even imagine having enough energy to exercise. Wow, what a depressing post. I should probably erase it, but I won't, just so I have a record of how lousy I am feeling, and how lousy my attitude was today. I hope to post more later that sounds better, but for now, I'm sticking with nasty honesty.