I'm going to the doctor this afternoon. I hate having to go, I hate having to inconvenience someone to watch my children. (Although Nate's mom is so sweet and helpful) I really don't think I am pregnant. I am really hoping it's an infection that can be quickly cleared up with antibiotics. I had an infection in my kidneys last year at about this time, and once I got on medication, I started to feel better almost immediately. That's what I need, to feel better now. I have people depending on me for things, I need to take care of my children, I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!!! I can barely stand up straight this morning, it hurts so badly. If I am sitting down bent over, or laying down with a heating pad on, it's tolerable. Unfortunately, those positions are impossible with three little children. I am afraid I know what Dr. Boddy is going to say. He's not going to be able to give me any answers and then I will know that it is probably the endo coming back, and that is the worst option here. No quick fix, just pain and discomfort and inability to function. I really do not want to have another surgery, that's another thing I totally don't have time for. I know that my endo is (or at least was in the past), very stress related. I am having a hard time not being stressed this time of year. I know Nate's job requires a lot of him, but it requires a lot of me, too. It's hard not to feel abandoned when he's working so much, and doesn't even see the children for days at a time. It's hard not to take it personally, or attach some emotion to the fact that he's gone for 12-14 hours a day, 6 days a week. That's what his job requires, though, and he wouldn't be doing it to the best of his ability if he worked less....that's what I keep telling myself. That's what I tell myself at 10 at night when I am utterly exhausted and alone and can't sleep if he's not next to me. That's what I keep reminding myself when he won't even give me an hour extra to rest. I soooo need to get my eyes off myself in this. He's tired, too, he's overworked and frustrated with having to work so much. I suppose it could be argued that he doesn't delegate well, but he's a perfectionist, and it almost causes him more stress to give a job to someone he knows won't do as good of a job on it as he would. I said I wasn't going to do this, this year. I said I was going to be supportive and understanding and focus on what he needed. You know, maybe this little monkey wrench of sickness is a good test of my resolve. Can I still keep my eyes on the Lord and on serving my husband and children when I am having trouble functioning myself? The answer has to be "Yes", but only with the Lord's strength. I really want to just sit here and complain and whine and have a little poor me pity party, but what does that accomplish? It gets my eyes more on myself and less on the Lord Who brought this circumstance into my life. I will endeavor to remember. I'll post more when I get back from the doctor's.