Well, we had a wonderful trip to Maine, the kids traveled really well considering we drove straight through and it was so great to be up there and see everyone. We stayed at Nanny and "Great" Grampy's old house, since they have moved up to the "camp" at Greenwood Pond now. Mama and Daddy came to stay there too later in the week and Dan and his kids came on the weekend. I got to visit with Heather and Amy and they had a baby shower for Sara and I on Sunday. The weather was great the first few days we were there, then rainy and kind of yucky the end of the week. It is always so relaxing to be up there, in a strange way, even though I don't ever get enough sleep. I came home far more exhausted than I left and still feel like I haven't caught up yet, although I am starting to.

This baby, or rather, the birth of this baby is looming larger on my horizon everyday. I hadn't really had many episodes of contractions again until today, and some of them this evening were getting almost painful. I felt a lot of downward pressure today, too. I did get a lot done, though, which is probably why I was having more contractions tonight. Nate has gone to watch the Vikings play football at Jer's house. I watched as much TV as I could before getting completely disgusted with the filth that is on the airways, and now I am just playing online. I got a new shower curtain today on ebay, it's really cute, with pine cones on it. Grace is doing really well potty training, and I think I might put her in real underwear tommorow. She had some on for a few hours last night and only had one little accident. She's such a stinker, though, she won't usually pee for you on the potty until after you've given her the little M+M. She does really have a lot of control over it for her age, at least compared to the boys. I don't know when Ian will get it, he wants nothing to do with the potty. I think he just doesn't realize that he could have control over going. That will come someday, I hope. At least he is doing better emotionally, although the last two days he has been a little worse. Overall though, he is communicating better and I have every confidence he will catch up to where he is "supposed" to be soon.

I have to say, my heart so is not in my blog anymore. I just have no more desire to write, and it's funny because I used to gain so much from it. I wonder if that will change again after the baby is born. I am looking forward to meeting this child and to seeing how my labor will go this time, but to be perfectly honest, I am just not looking forward to too much after that. The thought of nursing again, changing so many more diapers, the constant care, the lack of sleep, I am really discouraged when I think about it all, and I know that is just awful. I am just tired, and I have been for a really long time, and there is no real rest in sight. I am thankful for my children everyday, but some days I really wonder if it is worth continuing to have more if there is so little left of myself to take care of the ones I have. I don't know. I think Nate is becoming a little more understanding and sympathetic as time goes by, and he is a great help when he is here, but he can't be here very often. Every year the "slow season" gets a little shorter, it seems. We both know that this is the job and the place where the Lord has him right now, and we are so very thankful for it, but I don't know if our family can sustain itself on it indefinitely. As the children get older, they only become more aware of his absence and more bothered by it, and need his presence more and more. I'm glad the Lord knows all this and that He has a plan.

I must apologize for my last post. I don't think I even thought anyone would read it, and I think I should have just written it to myself and then erased it if I really needed to get it out. But, now it's there, for all the world to see, a shining testament to my little emotional pregnancy pity party. It's a choice that I made, wrongly, to focus on the negative, instead of the positive, and I was convicted for it. This morning's Daily Bread led me to Ephesians 4:1-3 "I therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you that you walk worthy of the vocation wherewith you were called, with all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering, forbearing one another in love; endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace." I know that was for me today, and that I need to make a recommitment to do just that, to walk worthy of the vocation that I have been called, that of being a Godly wife and mother, and to live in lowliness and meekness, keeping peaceful unity. Thankyou so much to those of you who left the caring comments, they bolstered my spirits and were a blessing.

I know it has been forever since I have blogged. I have no excuses, but I don't feel it is necessarily an "obligation", more like an opportunity that I have been deciding lately not to take advantage of. I don't really have time to be doing it now, I am just frustrated and don't really have anyone to complain to.......not that I should be complaining, I just feel the need to get some things out.

I don't think this is necessarily the most gracious thing to think, or say, but it is the truth, and one that I am frustratingly aware of over and over and over and again tonight it has been emphasized. And here it is......it sucks for me to have to depend on my husband. I love him, he is wonderful when he is here, he is just dependably undependable.....only when it comes to me. If it has anything to do with work, you can bet your bottom dollar he is on top of it, the hardest working one there, the last to leave, the one to pick up the slack and go the extra mile. He's such a trooper. Unfortunately, I don't think it is possible for a person, at least not him, to be this way at work AND at home, and it has never been even a concious choice with him that work is what is most important.

We had a very good conversation the other night. I felt like it tore down some barriers that had crept up between us. He looked into my eyes and said he was sorry for some things, and that he really wanted to make a new commitment to leaving work to be home when he could and even that he was going to call me everyday to see how I was doing. He called one day, and as for him leaving when he can, I have no way of knowing. I only know that I so don't get moved anymore when he has the once or twice a year emotional breakthrough and promises to put his family first. I just don't believe it anymore. It is very tempting to think that things are really going to be different, but they aren't.

And yet, whether I want to believe he has upped his level of commitment to me, to us, or not, there are still times when I have to depend on him, to be home at a certain time, to do the occasional favor for me that I can't do myself, and almost invariably, he does not come through. And it is frustrating. Not only because it means I usually have to break a commitment on my end, but because I always WANT to believe him. I want to KNOW that I can trust him to be here when he says he will be, to remember things that he doesn't get paid to remember, and it would be nice to think that he even thinks of me once or twice a day. But, I don't know that, usually I know exactly the opposite, that he won't be here when I need him to be, that he won't remember the very infrequent times I have asked him to do something, that he won't think of me when he's not with me.

I don't think I am a demanding person. I think a reasonable assesment of the things I ask of him would reveal themselves to be definitely in the category of "not much at all." I don't ask that he be home for dinner every night, or even to help put the kids to bed. I don't ask to be taken out on dates, or to have some "me time" every now and again. I don't ask him to go shopping for me, or even to pick things up on his way home more than maybe once every two months or so. I don't ask him to help around the house very often, (although he certainly knows I am extremely thankful when he does.) But, several years ago, I made a commitment to be part of a ladies Bible study that meets once a week, and I can't bring my children to it. So that's one night a week that I ask he be home by 6:30. It has been over three years since I have been going to this, and yet every....single....week......, I have to ask him whether or not he will be home so I can go. And most of the time, he isn't home on time. Recently, our computer broke. He hasn't taken the time to see if he can fix it, but that is beside the point. I still have my laptop to be online when I need to be, but I can't print anything out. We are doing a childbirth class with some friends who are having their first baby. I have gathered some resources off the internet and emailed them to him at work to have him print off and bring home. And he forgets. After I have reminded him hours before I need them. It's just not important enough for him to remember.

I don't think these tendancies would bother me so much if they weren't solely directed at me. If he were like this at work, forgetting "important" commitments, not being on time, breaking his word, then I would completely understand him being the same way at home. But, when he is so dependable and honorable when it comes to anything for work, and it is only when it is ME that asks something of him that he doesn't come through, it's kind of hard not to take it personally.

It just pounds the message into my brain..

"You are not important to me."

"Your concerns mean nothing to me."

"My word is worthless only when I give it to you."

"You are not worth thinking about."

And that hurts.

And there's nothing I can do about it. Should I just completely cancel all obligations I have made? Should I just stop wanting to trust him, to depend on him? Or should I just stop caring? I don't really know what is the "right" thing here to do. Probably complaining about it isn't the right thing to do either, I just know I am going to explode if I don't get this off my chest. But you know what? I don't really feel better about anything now than I did before.....

So, I just read on beautiful Cheri's "Kudzu and Koolaid" about Shannon (from Rocks in my Dryer)'s great idea for Works For Me Wednesday. **I know, I know, I am completely html illiterate, and could easily find out how to do links, the bottom line is that I am LAZY...so sorry***

I have had a three bag laundry sorting um, thingie for over a year now, and while George has been able to figure out what goes where since I first showed it to him, I have YET to inspire Nathan to actually use the mental effort to put his clothes where they should go. Okay, I have 5 laundry bags. Three in a cool little plastic framed sorter thing with drawstring removable bags, and on either side of this, two pop up mesh bags. From left to right, they are for: light colored dress clothes and delicates, dark dress clothes and delicates, whites, darks, and lighter colored laundry. It has been a constant frustration trying to get Nate to remember that his work pants don't go with his jeans and that his dark socks don't go with his white socks, etc. As I said, George knows where it all goes, but Ian still has no clue, and doesn't have any idea of colors, so telling him which color bag or right to left doesn't help much either.

So...last night I made up some little posters in the hopes that my genius-but-careless husband, and my younger kids can take more of a role in the laundry and sorting. I went to several different websites that had pictures of clothes, Sears, Target, Wal-mart, etc. and saved the pictures to my computer. Then, in my American Greetings Creatacard program, (I'm sure you could use any program) I put the different kinds and colors of appropriately seperated clothes on pieces of cardstock. (I even downloaded the logo from Nate's business to put on the pictures of the dress shirts. :P) So now all I have to do is tape the "posters" up on the wall over each bag, and even the little kids will be able to figure out what goes where. I would love to take a picture of this, but alas we are between cameras and can't. Hope this helps someone else, I sure have loved reading all the smart tips on the WFMW page from Rocks in my Dryer. Thanks, Shannon!! :)

It's 3:17 in the afternoon. It is a rare day in that the rooms immediately surrounding me are neat and picked up, the children are sleeping, and I am not. I was very tired this morning, in fact, barely able to keep my eyes open, while Grace and Ian played around (and sometimes on) me. George is very much enjoying his first time at Vacation Bible School this week. He comes home with descriptions of the games and is very wrapped up in the missionary story of Amy Carmichael. Incidentally, that is the name of my best friend from middle school, whom I haven't written to or called in far too long, although she has been in my dreams and in my prayers more lately. Anyway, I am glad for George to be able to do that, even though my "homeschool mind" starts to flinch a bit at not knowing exactly what he's being taught and how he is being taught it. Not that I distrust anyone running the program, I know them all well, and am confident of their content and intentions, I just HATE to miss a teaching opportunity.

I think more than anything, this desire has arisen in me over the last few months as I have been contemplating, planning for, and thinking about starting a more structured program of instruction with George. Just taking the opportunities that life and the child himself presents, instead of trying to artificially fashion them from a textbook schedule. As I begin to form my own philosophies of practical instruction and what exactly our goals for our own homeschool will be, this thought has continued to come up. I certainly will be using textbooks as tools, but I don't want the scope and sequence of any book to dictate our learning times, or style. I know I have been blessed in George in his capacity as a student. The Lord has given him insatiable curiousity about the world around him, and a need to fit it all together. I pray that I will be able to adequately fan the flames of his curiosity and only encourage his growth and continued passion for learning, and never be guilty of squelching the natural inclinations of the heart the Lord gave him. I know he will struggle in some areas, already he has a distaste for writing, but I believe that is due more to his own impatience with himself and his desire for it to be just right, than from any rebelliousness or aversion. I think once he gets good enough at it that he appreciates his own work, that he will enjoy it more. The hard part for me is convincing him that the practice to get good is just as important as the final product. But, this of course, is just one more facet of my life that I need to bathe in prayer and continually look to the Lord for direction and confirmation of the decisions I make.

Oh yeah....I have a blog!!!! I knew I forgot something!!! ***smacks forehead and tilts blonde head to the side with deer in the headlights look***

I think all of my creative energies of the last few months have gone into um, creating (you know what I mean) this fastly growing baby. BUT, I do feel a bit more freedom to get beyond the day to day here and I miss the accountability and the release of blogging, and am hoping to get back into it very soon. Wow, even writing this much feels good. :) Okay, that's all I have time for now, but Lord willing I will be able to return soon.

At the park. I totally didn't plan it that we all had red shirts on. Hmmmm, what do you think my favorite color is?!?! :P 

Mama and George 

Mama and Ian 

Mama and Gracie 

The kids and the Easter bunnies on Easter morning. 

This was on Easter evening at Karen and George's house. 

Okay, this was the picture I put in the w@h "photo day in my life" right after the positive pregnancy test. Surprise, another baby is on the way. I will be 9 weeks on Tuesday. :) 

Well, I figured since it has been about a bajillion years since I have blogged, I should do so. I have a few minutes here, while the boys are eating and Grace is still sleeping. We are full into the "busy season" at Nate's work. He was able to come home at 7 last night and that was the first time he'd really spent any time with the kids since Sunday. They had so much fun. He was just spinning them around and carrying all three at once and wrestling and tickling them all...you know, all the things I don't do. :P They were all laughing hysterically, it was great. We were all so tired and cranky last week we didn't go to church, and this week, we are skipping again!!!! to go to the circus. (Just slightly ashamed at writing that, but not really!!) Someone gave us four free passes to the Shriner's circus and midway in Marietta and Sunday will be the last day they are there. I will miss going to church, but I think the investment in our family will so be worth it. "Where two or three are gathered in my name..." could certainly apply to our family of five, and the precious time we get to spend together as a family sure does make me praise the Lord, just as much as if I were to be singing in the church building.

I got to go out to lunch with my dear friend Amy last Saturday. We went to Chili's, and had such a nice visit. It was wonderful!!! I am so thankful for her, and I am going to miss her so much when they move. They've been having a lot of people come look at their house lately, too.

Speaking of friends, Misty and her family are on the road to Disney right now. I am praying they have a wonderful trip. I know they will. I would love to go back to Disney World some day. We ended up having such a fabulous time there last year. I hope we do get to go again.

Nate said he thought our trip to Maine this fall will work out, for which I was SOOO thankful. It will be so great to be up there, and I am hoping this will be the year George makes his inaugural trip up Borestone Mountain. He really wants to go, and I have told him he needs to walk a lot and exercise to make his feet and legs stronger so he'll be able to do it. Nate will probably end up piggybacking him a lot of the way, but it'll be a great experience for him anyway.

Well, I have lots to do, I'd better go. You know, some people have really intersting, edifying blogs that people actually like to read....that just makes me laugh when I compare mine to theirs...Oh well!!! :P Happy Saturday!!

Apparently, I have dimentia, since I keep blogging about the same things over and over....duh!
Or maybe that's just a sign that not enough actually goes on in my life, I have the same things being repeated over and over again. Even though I feel busy most of the time...hmmm.
Anyway, it's 8:40. The kids are in bed, the living room, computer room and dining room are picked up, and I have no idea where Nate is. I tried to reach him a few times today, to no avail. They started summer hours this week, open til 7 on weekdays, 6 on Saturdays, but as Esther brought up with ill feelings the other day, the way the Douglasville store works is that intead of locking the doors promptly at closing time, they let people keep coming in, and wait until the last customer has left to actually close. I think it's good business. Kind of sucks for the employees, but good business.

We are having Easter dinner over at Nate's house Sunday late afternoon. I am making rolls, a vegetable dish, and maybe a dessert. I haven't decided yet. One year I made a super cute bunny cake with coconut all over it for fur, twizzlers for whiskers, m + m's for eyes, nose and mouth, and chiclets for teeth. It was beyond adorable. I usually get all excited about doing an easter egg hunt for the kids, but this year, for some reason, I don't feel any peace about doing that. I think we will still dye eggs, but no candy or hunt. I am excited to dress them up, though, if I can just find Grace's little lavender hat. I got her the cutest dress, it is so adorable, and the boys will wear the ties they picked out last year. The best, most inspiring salvation message I have ever heard was done by Pastor Carl two years ago on Easter. Last year I was in the nursery, but I am looking forward to the service this year.

I asked my mother in law tonight about her watching the boys during the day so I could go out to Colorado to see my friend and possibly be with her while she delivers. I still haven't checked into tickets. I know it is a long shot, but if Karen says yes, I will see about going. I will take her negative answer as a definite closing of that door. She's thinking about it, and will get back to me. I do hope it works out, but I won't be terribly disappointed if not, it just won't have been meant to be.

Well, I should go, I have laundry to put away, and I might try Nate again. Happy Friday!

Okay, I refuse to start every post with a revisitation of why I don't post that often. I just don't anymore, that's all. There, now I have set my psyche to rest. :P It's been a busy week. I went Tuesday morning to run some errands, including buying paint for the bathrooms from Lowe's. It's a beautiful color called "spring spirits." Translation: light green. It was totally one that just caught my eye, I picked up the paint card, fell in love with the color, went completely against my nature and just trusted my first instinct and didn't deliberate or think who would like what color better, I just knew I liked it, and bought it. I think it will look so pretty with the Southern Living bathroom set I got, too!! I am so excited to have it done. I also have my wallpaper for the dining room to put up, but Nate hasn't had time to help me do it yet, and it's definitely a two person job. We talked about colors of paint for the living room and hallway, too, but that will defnitely be a bigger project. I soooo need to do some realy spring cleaning, like washing walls, dusting high corners, scrubbing cabinets and doors, etc. I think I might ask Karen if she could watch the kids some Saturday morning, that would work out well if she could.

I need to take pictures of George with his Awana grand prix car. He won first place for design, (tied along with two other boys) and second place for speed. He was so excited with his ribbons. Nate helped him make a Buzz Lightyear. It looks really cool. Buzz is in the front window and the little three eyed aliens from Toy Story are waving from the sides. We wrote "To Infinity... and Beyond!" on the doors, and George wanted to write "Star Command" on the back.

Women @ Home has moved again. I was a little disappointed not to be able to go see all the old posts and all, but we'll make new ones. I can't imagine the work the admins must have done just to get the new board set up again so soon, and how disheartening that they just had to do it a while ago when the first board crashed. I think it's one of those I didn't really know how much it meant to me until I thought of it not being there anymore, kind of things. I kept meaning to actually copy and print what everyone was so gracious to write about me when I was the w@h woman of the week on Wednesday or whatever. I couldn't believe how generous people were with what they said, it was amazing, humbling and really really treasured by me. Oh well, at least I still have the memories, and the knowledge that "You like me!!You really, really like me!!" :P

Anyway, I must go, on to better things, or at least different ones. :) Happy Thursday!

It's Thursday morning. I need to go buy bread because we are going to Douglasville to have a picnic with the Calkins at Hunter Park and well, I just gave our last two pieces of bread to the boys as toast, and poor planning me, doesn't have enough time to make any before we have to leave. I have felt a bit nauseated since yesterday afternoon. That has nothing to do with the first statement at all. Hmm, I'd better do bullets, you can get away with having no continuity in your thoughts better that way:

*I need a haircut. Like, badly. I'm starting to look Amish with split ends.
*Grace is finally, finally walking more than she is crawling.
*I am seriously considering going about 7 states away to be a doula at the birth of my friend's third child in a few weeks.
*I really want to teach Cubbies next year in Awana, only so it gets done better.
*That's not a real gracious statement, but still true.
*Nate and George worked on George's Grand Prix car Monday when he took half the day off
*George wanted a lion car, but has settled for a race car since Nate had no idea how to do a lion.
*Nate wanted to put a little Brown's Pools logo on the car, but I wouldn't let him.
*I was so proud of Nate yesterday, he really addressed some issues with people that needed to be addressed, even though he hates conflict. He did a great job.
*The boys are watching "Toy Story 1" for about the 47th time since we got it from the library last week.
*Grace woke up at 5:30 to nurse and is sleeping still right now.
*My brother in law had a court date a few days ago, and has his second in a few weeks.
*He is thinking of joining the military, and I don't think it will be good for him. at all...
*My other brother in law is graduating from high school in a few weeks.
*I talked to my brother Dan on Saturday.
*I should call David.
*I should email my grandparents.
*I am thinking of getting an elliptical machine.
*I think Cheri is an absolute beautiful genius.
*Misty and her whole family are sick, but hopefully getting better now.
*I wore shorts two days this week.
*I put a skirt on for the fun of it on Saturday, and when Nate got home, he decided to take me out on a date!!!! It was wonderful!!!
*I am so not "ready" for the busy season, but I am getting there.
*Nate didn't get home until 9 on Tuesday, and won't be home til probably later than that tonight
*The Newnan store preparations are going forward, though :)
*Esther is in Disney World right now, and I am jealous :P
*We still have the Happy Birthday sign up from Karen's birthday party last Friday night. It was the Hot Wheels one I got for Ian's birthday last year.
*I want to get Ian a Thomas track for his birthday this year.
*George is doing great reading, and has started reading words he sees all over the place.
*Ian is starting to try to say letter sounds, mimicing George and it's so cute.
*My hot tub is empty right now. Nate drained it on Monday and hasn't cleaned and refilled it yet. :(
*I had ordered border for Grace's room, they sent the wrong one, I sent it back, got the right one, and now I wish I had the first one. The room is painted a light lavender. The border is light greens, with a thin light blue edge. I thought it had more colors in it, like the lavender, but it doesn't really, and now I don't know what to do to get the wall to match the border. I'm stumped.
*I got my wallpaper from country house, though for the dining room, and I love it!!!
*Now I just have to get Nate to help me put it up. Maybe Sunday.
*My mother's birthday is on Saturday. I sent her present already, but my printer is broken, so I haven't been able to make her a card.
*I found Psalm 116:9 in Hebrew and I so want to get the first part of it tattooed on my foot.
*Ian has finally started communicating verbally a bit more since completely regressing while he was sick.
*Grace has started throwing temper tantrums. Face on the floor, high pitched screaming ones. I can't help but laugh at her.
*I can't wait to paint my house!!! Spring Spirits in the bathroom, Ponderosa Pine three feet up in the living room, then the rest of the walls and hallway a coffee color.
*I so need to start working out again. I'm running out of excuses for not doing it!!
*Okay, I have to go. Happy Thursday!!! :)

Misty driving. We had a total blast, and she didn't even break her record of NEVER being pulled over...and we even went through Whitesburg!! 

In the restaurant. Susan, Misty, me, Becky and Ashley 

Susan, Becky and Ashley outside Rigatoni's 

Ashley fixing us fabulous chicken tortilla soup, Yummy!!! 

At Becky's house 

Look how cute Ashley is!!!  

I have blogged so much in my head, there's not much more to actually write down. Kidding. :P Really, since I have started doing this, and have fallen out of the habit of actually doing it, I think of things that would make great blog entries, and compose them beautifully (and without spelling errors) in my head. It would be just so much easier if I could just plug a cord into my head and download my thoughts, like I do with the pictures from my digital camera. Speaking of which, I will post some from my fabulous weekend trip to Alabama. :) Alas, there is no such technology yet, that of plugging your brain into the computer and having it blog for you, so I will have to settle for insubstantial posts, few and far between, and just live with the knowledge that I really know my brain is teeming with brilliant discourses on a myriad of subjects that alas, will never be known to the general populace. What a shame.

Anyway, my children are screaming around me, I am still in my pajama pants. Grace was practicing throwing a tantrum closeby, then noticed that no one was looking at her, and got up and crawled off to play. The boys are playing with some cute little bath tread ducks I got yesterday. I'm surprised they're not asking for lunch yet, but that's why I stole a minute to write some. I got all of Grace's clothes sorted, organized, packed away and hung up this morning. That was a job that had been needing to be done for weeks, and I am finally done it. Which brings up the subject of the hour: procrastination. I have always struggled with this, but I think I have excused myself a bit because I am so incredibly much better at it than most of the people in my family, where it is a veritable plague. Yet, still, I do succumb to the temptation to "put it off" far too often. I have kind of turned a blind eye, conviction-wise, to it, but recently, it has really been made clear in my sight. It is very hypocritical in me to espouse honesty as the virtue above all others that I treasure in people, and yet, when I procrastinate, or say I am going to do something ,and then do not, I am being dishonest myself. I'm lying to myself, I am lying to others. Even if it is only a goal that exists only in my own mind, if I set out to do it, I am accountable before the Lord to get it done. There is no excuse for it to be otherwise. I'm not talking about taking care of sin or facing Biblical truths that the Lord brings before me, I am just talking about everyday things that I set as goals, or say I want to accomplish, then let them go by the wayside. For example, I had verbally set as a goal to get some things listed on eBay in the month of February. I got one thing listed. Misty even came over and helped me take a bunch of pictures and showed me how to set everything up, and I never followed through. I find it far too easy to make excuses and let other things get in the way. You know, I hate it when Nathan does this. I absolutely can't stand it, when he says he is going to be home at a certain time, or accomplish a project at a certain deadline, and it doesn't happen. That bothers me so badly. But, when I do this, how am I behaving any differently than what I despise in his behavior? I'm not. I don't really have any right to expect him to be "honest" with me in this respect, when I am not honest myself.

On to happier, (and less rife with conviction) subjects. I had an incredibly relaxing, fun, wonderful weekend!! It was so neat to be in on the surprise for Becky's birthday lunch and to meet Susan, and Ashley, and Becky. Not to mention being able to spend that much time with one of my favorite people on earth-Misty. We had such a blast. I could talk to and listen to her for hours. We talked and laughed and sang, (Okay, she sang, I wasn't going to put her through my singing!) and the time went really quickly. We stopped at Edgars bakery in Birmingham, which was so beautiful and you could just smell the calories in the air. They had all manner of confectionary delights. I got some cinnamon rugelach for Nate and some chocolate lollipops for the boys. I haven't given them to them yet. I think I might wait til Easter. They've got adorable little frosting bunnies and chicks on them. We ate lunch at Rigatoni's Italian restaurant. It was fabulous. Becky was so sweet, Ashley was so wonderful, and Susan was an all out trip, so funny and great. It was wonderful. Then we went shopping and met Ashley's husband and daughter and went to Becky's house, where we met her sweet family. Her boys are so cute!! She let me squeeze her little one's cheeks before he went to bed. I'd been dying to all evening. We sat and talked and fellowshipped and had a great time, then went to stay at Ashley's parents house, who were out of town for the weekend. It was great. Some leftover pizza and cinnamon rolls for breakfast and we were on the road. I was sorry to see it all end, although of course I was happy to get home.

Nathan had made bread, had the house cleaned, and all children present and accounted for when I got home. It was so sweet of him to let me go, and I had such a good time. George told me when he got up from his nap that he didn't miss me, though and no one missed me. Not meanly, just very matter of fact. He did start crying as soon as he saw me, and whimpered for a day and half after that, too. Sometimes, I just don't know how to help that kid. Ian made up for any lack of welcome elsewhere, though, he was SOOO excited to see me and just kept hugging me and then holding my face in his hands and hugging me some more with a huge grin on his face.

The kids are finally completely, I hope, over this stomach virus that they passed along for a week and a half. Ian got it first, then Grace, then George. George was the least sick and the most wiped out. Grace got over it in two days, but Ian kept hanging on to it for about 5. I did about three loads of laundry or more everyday last week, and my hands were raw from washing so often, but we kept from getting it passed around again, and from Nathan and I getting it, so that was worth it. I think we picked it up from going to BK and the boys playing in the playplace. I guess I hadn't really thought of it, I just assumed they must clean and sanitize those things, but sources tell me no. :P I don't think we'll be doing that anytime soon again.

Well, I must go, the posse is getting hungry and I need to do some laundry so I have some pants to wear tonight to Awana. I am wondering whether or not I want to be in Awana next year and have my kids in it. Nothing against the program, I just am starting to feel questioning that that will be the right thing for us. I guess we'll see. On another note, Nate and I had a great talk last night about his Bible study. It's so seldom he feels the freedom to talk to me of things of that nature, it was just nice to hear his perspectives on what they are studying and what he contributed to the study last week. Just the fact that he is going is a surprise to me, and I am so glad. I think it is really good for him, socially, and Spiritually. I hope it is a benefit to him. And with that, I really am going now!!!!

Out of the mouths of babes.....

Grace spilled a container of snacks the other day, all over my freshly vacuumed floor. To which I replied, "Oh, for crying out loud." George frowned and said "Mama, why did you say for crying out loud?" I told him that was just something people said when they were frustrated. To which George sagely said "Mama, you shouldn't be frustrated with people when they do naughty things, because you still love them." Lesson taken, thankyou Lord. Isn't it just interesting. (read: super convicting) when your children bring up to you the lessons you have taught them. It's one thing to teach your children that they can pray to Jesus to helpe them anytime, it's quite another to hear your 4 year old quip "Mama, I really think you need to stop and ask Jesus to help you." And he's not just repeating, he's paying attention to what I am doing, and concerned that I am practicing what I am preaching. And then when he makes deductions himself, apart from what I have taught him, and then asks questions that seem like the Holy Spirit is speaking right through him. I have said before it is an awesome responsibility to be the primary example to a child, but it's even harder to have them begin to apply what you are teaching them, and actively look for the same in your life.

George is a perfectionist. He so should have been born to a different mother, because I so am not. Yesterday morning I got the boys some juice and handed them their cups. George immediately cried out "Mama, oh no, you gave us the wrong cups!" I had switched them in my hands. I switched them back and said "No problem, sorry." George said incredulously "Why did you make that mistake, Mama?!?!?" I said "George, Mama makes mistakes all the time." To which George just sighed and shook his head, like "What am I going to do with you?" It was quite funny. ;P

I think the busy season is here already. I really do think it comes earlier every year. Part of it is Nathan's notoriously bad job of delegating, (why should he give a job to someone else that he can do better), and part of it is just the business's natural growth. He didn't get home til 8:30 on Wednesday. It's piling up already.

I've been doing this juice fast this week. Tuesday I started out. I have made carrot, celery, tomatoe, radish, cucumber, broccoli, cantolope, apple, parsley, lemon, orange, pineapple, strawberry, and banana juice. Not all together. I really thought I would feel more intense "detox" symptoms, but the worst of it was a stuffy nose, peeing ALL the time, a vague headache and bit of hunger. Shannon thought maybe there just weren't that many toxins in my body to get out. I think the good bread I eat does such a good job of that, that's why it wasn't worse. I don't know. Anyway, I did it for three days, all juice and lots of water, and no solid food. I felt really good yesterday. I felt pretty good the whole time. I will definitely do it again, and probably longer. Now that I know more about it. I want to make juicing a part of everyday, although I have to say I like the fruit juices more than the vegetable ones. I think carrot, celery, tomato, and apple is my favorite veggie one, and pinneaple, orange, lemon, strawberry is my favorite fruit one. That was absolutely awesome, and it made me feel so energized and wonderful. It was a whole pinneaple, 2 oranges, 2 lemons, and about 10 strawberries. Then I crushed up ice in the blender and blended it with the ice to make a smoothie. It was wonderful and made so much juice, it was great!!!

George has been doing great in school. I call it school, but it's only about 45 minutes a day in "Teach your child to read in 100 easy lessons" He doesn't like the writing as well, because he has to be quiet, but he does very well. We've been doing his writing in the afternoon, and the reading part at 8 in the morning, then he gets to watch Dragon Tales at 8:30 for a reward. That's his favorite show.

Krista told the Bible study last night that she is expecting. I am so happy for her, but I know the fear that early pregnancy can bring when you have had miscarriages in the past. She thinks she's about 7 or 8 weeks along. Someone said the other day that after Summer has her baby at church, the pregnant streak will be broken. At least one person has been pregnant, and usually mroe than one, the whole time we have been coming to Grace, which is over 2 years. 2 of those pregnancies were mine. Maybe Krista should start coming to out church. :)

I'd better run, I've got juice to make, I think I'll do orange, lemon, banana, strawberry. Yummy! :) I've got to get another pinneaple, that was so incredibly good. Have a happy weekend!!

I don't have time to blog, which is, of course, why I am doing it right now, haha. :P

How about bullets:

*Am I the only person who thinks Eeyore sounds a really lot like John Wayne?!?!?
*I haven't done Nattie's Friday Felicities in a long time, I guess this is Monday's Meanderings
*Nate got the lawn, both sides of the driveway cultivated, limed, seeded, fertilized, hayed and watered in the last three days.
*He just drove up the driveway
*I am making him spaghetti as we speak
*That last statement made no sense whatsoever!
*My friend Sarai, who was my roomemate for two years in college and one of my bridesmaids, is getting married in May, in Oregon
*I want to go to the wedding
*In less than two weeks, I am going on a fun trip, and I can't wait!
*Several friends of mine are expecting babies, and or children, and it's very exciting.
*I am starting a juice fast tommorow
*Nate is going to flip out when he sees how much I spent of veggies and fruit today
*I ate a nutty bar and Little Ceasar's pizza today.....healthy huh?
*My super wonderful husband mixed up and kneaded bread dough for me today and there are three loaves of it in my kitchen, which makes my heart at peace.
*He volunteered to do so, to my shock and delight
*He just came up behind me and kissed me, and when I looked at him I laughed out loud because he has a really big grease spot on his nose
*He spent the late afternoon and evening working on the junk car he bought last fall which is at his friends garage in Carrollton
*Ian went pee on the potty yesterday
*Grace put away her own pajamas all by herself this morning
*George wrote five rows of letters today and did a great job
*But we didn't do the actual reading lesson
*I got out my summer clothes and they are tight
*I have gained probably 10 lbs since November
*My husband doesn't like my gut
*but he still loves to see it uncovered
*Several people in the last week have asked my advice on things, and that just always surprises me, makes me feel inadequate, and honored and burdens me in a prayerful good way
*My kids ate Little Ceasars for supper while watching The Clifford movie on a blanket in the living room
*I got the new Country House catalog today. I want their "Always Kiss Me Goodnight" curtain and their swirly berry wallpaper
*I must go, supper is done for Nathan, and I want to go be with my man
*:)

How do you usually react to criticism of your parenting choices?... whether direct criticism aimed at you directly... or criticism of a philosophy that you use in your own parenting?...

This was the Swonderings at W@H this week.

I was really kind of sheepish about answering this because I don't think I do a very good job when this comes up. I try to listen to all the other person is saying, and somtetimes I have a hard time defending myself. Or, I defend myself as much as I can, and leave the conversation questioning my methods. There are some things that I KNOW are right and those I do not hesitate to defend, especially if I can do it with Scripture, but the other things, like just preferences, choices...I have a hard time with. I know this is because of one of the great flaws in my character, that I am far too dependent upon the opinions of others. At least while I am with them. I try very hard, and it does come pretty naturally to me otherwise, to accomodate other people and their opinions, sometimes to the detriment of my own position.

Recently a friend made a comment to me about something I did with my kids, that she was glad it worked for me, but she wanted more for her kids. Basically implying that I wasn't doing all I should for my children. It wasn't a Biblical issue, it was a choice, either of which of our opinions would be valid or right. I guess what it all boils down to is that you have to do what is right FOR YOUR FAMILY. The farther I get into motherhood, the more I realize that I know nothing. That I have no right to judge another's situation, or motives or actions, and I hope they do the same for me. I believe it is incumbent upon all of us to continually seek the Lord's opinion on matters, whether through clearly spelled out principles of Scripture, or seeking the Holy Spirit's leading. And then, with a clear conscience, we may say "I am just doing what I feel the Lord is leading me to do." And if that's not a good enough answer for the naysayers, then should I really be giving credence to their opinions anyway? I don't think so.

Oh the poignant sweet joys of motherhood. Just in the last few days I have been amazed by several really commonplace moments just meaning a lot to me. Times when I kind of get a "life flashing before me" kind of feeling, a tiny bit of Heavenly perspective and a rush of Heavenly love for my children. Just watching Grace take her first few steps, playing with toys, clapping her hands and grinning at me so hard her little twinkly eyes almost disappear is so sweet, it does my full heart good.

George read his first "story" this week: see me eat. He was so excited. It has been wonderful to have this small bit of schooling that we've been doing be such a connector for us. His personality is the farthest from mine and I struggle with really sharing a common bond with him sometimes, but every day this week, we've been doing "school" and he has LOVED it, and really been blossoming. I can tell he is so proud of himself and I think he can tell I am so proud of him. He still gets frustrated sometimes if he doesn't get something the first time, but I have really been trying to calmly show him it's okay to make mistakes-that's how we learn. This is a very hard concept for him, because he's such a thinker and a perfectionist, but he has come a long way. A huge leap for him was to write an entire row of "e"'s without talking!!! I gave him hugs and high fives and stickers for that. His writing I am not concerned with so much, but it really is incredible for him to go that long without talking, even to himself. I know it was hard for him, but he did it. Anyway, so seeing George learn, and being excited about learning, and trying hard has just been so incredibly rewarding for me.

We have fallen into a routine of school time for George (while Grace is napping) is puzzle time for Ian. He has just really gotten into puzzles and Nathan bought him some new ones, and Karen gave us some she had. He just keeps working at it until he has it, and he loves doing them. I was holding Ian on my lap after naptime the other day and I said "I love you", and he looked at me and smiled and said "Oh, Fanks, Mama." It was so precious.

I love that all of my children have such differant personalities and they all bless and stretch me in their own special ways. I finished reading "A Full Quiver" and am really leaning towards that mentality. Nathan does not share my feelings, but he is open to me sharing some of the book with him. I don't know what the future holds, or more accurately, what the Lord holds for our future, but I think I have a better appreciation now for just how incredible a blessing children are, and that they are not "mine" but just entrusted to me to love and train, with the Lord's help to be servants of Him. It is sacred trust, and one I take far too lightly and shortsightedly. I believe the Lord is growing the desire within for another child now, and it scares me, but it forces me to lean on the Lord even more, just as having more children will.

I am so surprised at an unusual turn in my homemaking attitude in one small aspect this week. I have fallen in love with ironing. Anyone who knows me is laughing right now, because I am notorious for leaving laundry sitting wrinkled for days at a time, stuffing things in drawers, and leaving the house looking like recycled tissue paper, BUT, I have cleared all the junk out my bedroom and I don't like the ironing board in there anymore, so instead of leaving it there for Nate to iron every morning if he needs to, I decided to iron all his work clothes before I hung them up, and after he takes them off at night and then put the ironing board away. I know this is like a no brainer for the really competant homemakers out there, and they are all gasping in horror now that I haven't been doing this all along. In my defence, my husband likes to iron, and prefered to do it himself for a long time. He doesn't care so much now. Well, anyway, yesterday I was ironing and it struck me that it was very unlike all the other jobs that I do in my day-to-day. I have to iron slowly, and methodically, unlike dishes, or laundry or diaper changing or bathroom cleaning, or sweeping or vacuuming or dusting or anything else I could think of that I usually get done as quickly as possible. And instead it was slow, and calm and peaceful. And I prayed for my husband as I was ironing his clothes, that when he wore them he would know the presence and guidance of the Lord, that he would acknowledge Him in all his ways, and that he would remember what he has been called to and remain faithful to it. It was a good opportunity, a great visual reminder to me, which is what I need so often. I am thankful for the chance to do it.

The kids in their costumes, Tigger, unicorn and Carebear. Too cute!!! 

Here we are on Valentine's Day. 

Here are the dozen roses Nathan brought home for me. We were halfway through dinner before I noticed the silver charm tied to the roses. There were actually two of them. One for this year, a little silver heart with "I love you" written in script, and a replacement one of the lovebirds that I had lost a few weeks ago. He was so sweet to replace that, and I love the new one, too. 

Here's the pie I made for Nathan for our special Valentine's dinner. I should have taken a picture of the whole spread, it was neat. I had 16 candles burning around the dining room, and music playing. The walls were decorated with a picture collage of us through the years and a list I made for Nathan..."100 Reasons why I love you..." and of course the beautiful roses he brought home. 

Here is Robin and Suzanne at their Bible study birthday party. We had so much fun. I love our group, they are all wonderful ladies and such a blessing to me. 

Here is the Calkins boys with our three kids. They have grown up together. We met Steve and Amy when I was pregnant with George and before Josiah was walking, and now we have 7 between us. We are going to miss them so badly. 

I just put a bunch of pictures on my blog. Valentines' Day and all. I still have never put pics of Christmas, I don't think. Oh well. We babysat last night for the Calkins. They left their 4 boys here and went on a much needed date. They will be moving in May. Steve starts his new job in Virginia in a few weeks I think and will be gone during the week. Amy is staying here with the kids and they will all move up in May, when the kids are done school and sports and everything. She was my first friend when we moved here, and has been my closest. I will miss them so much when they are gone. They have been so loving, so giving, so great to us. We have shared so much together and felt like sisters all along. I know it was a real blessing for Steve to get this new job, I had been praying that something else would come up, I am just sad that it will mean they will be so far away.

Ian has been going crazy with puzzles lately. He wants to do them all day long, and Karen even brought over four new ones and he breezed right through them. He loves it, and it's great having something he will sit still at for a while. Grace has taken a few steps. Like, two and a half, several times now. I think once she realizes she can go faster that way, she will take off. She's been my latest walker. George is really enjoying doing "school" with me. We slacked off and didn't do it a few days last week, but did two lessons this morning. He goes through them pretty quickly still so we usually do two at a time, and sometimes we do that twice a day. He is reading short words now. I am really glad I did get that book instead of using the ABeka stuff. ABeka is so solid on phonics and great, but they have pictures by everything and George can't concentrate on the sounds, he just looks at the pictures and guesses. He is such an incredibly strong visual learner, I really have to make sure that all he has to look at is exactly what he needs and no more. He has been asking me to read him verses lately and so at meal times I have been reading to him. He loves it and always wants me to read more. I need to get him a Bible of his own, I never did decide on one. King James is great, but he keeps having to ask what the words mean, which I suppose is good, but for right now, and especially once he starts to be able to read it on his own, it would be nice to have something a little more understandable for him.

I had a long talk with Nathan on the whole birth control issue the other night. He agrees with me that the Bible says children are always a blessing, and counters with "Well, serving God is a blessing and good, does that mean I should quit my job and become a pastor, even though I don't feel called to?" I am reading "A Full Quiver" by Rick and Jan Hess. It's good. I am still trying to find out what exactly the Lord wants me to believe here. I think it's pretty obvious from Scripture that kids are a reward, a blessing, and good. They are not, however, a commandment. I get a little nervous of those people in the "quiverfull" camp that think it is a sin not to constantly "try" to get pregnant. It can become legalistic, and I don't think that pleases the Lord any more than those who don't trust His provision and stop having kids without seeking His will for them. I think they are cutting their blessings off, but I don't know if just not having kids, (through human interventions) is a sin. I suppose the sin would be if God had revealed to a person His will and they did not trust Him enough to let Him be in control of that area of their lives. My heart is burdened about this, but what is clear to me is that I need to be obedient to my husband and he is still in favor of birth control right now. He said he didn't mind if I researched it further, though. I'm not going to argue with him, just pray that both our minds are in accord, or become so, with the mind of the Lord.

This funny thing in my chest, shoulder, arm, has been worse in the last few weeks. It started probably a year or 6 months ago, just a vague, dull ache in my left shoulder once in a while. I have always had various pains in my chest, asthma and heart stuff. A doctor told me once my heart wasn't where it was supposed to be in my chest, and that's why it hurt sometimes. I've had pleurisy, chostocondritis, (I'm sure I spelled that wrong, LOL) and other funny things. Just in the last few weeks, though, the chest pain, on my left side has been getting worse. It's not a sharp pain, and sometimes more of a weakness and pressure than actual pain. I don't know if it's my lung or my heart or muscles or what. I don't know if the chest stuff is related to the shoulder stuff or not, but it kind of feels like the same thing. My shoulder, left side started bothering me more. It was like the vague pains I've had off and on for awhile now just stepped up in intensity. Then it radiated down my arm, and hand. It's like a funny, cold heat...I know that doesn't make any sense, but I can't tell which. Like it's asleep almost, dead weight, or just really weak. I haven't been able to make bread in 2 1/2 weeks, and I have been having to hold the kids on my other side. It's not all the time, and it's not constant even when it is bothering me. I don't think it's my heart, because the feelings do feel the same in my chest and shoulder, so maybe that is a muscle thing, or maybe a pinched nerve or something? It's getting annoying, and we just switched over to our HSA, which means that until we pay $5000 out of that account, insurance doesn't pay anything. So, I could go to the dr. but we couldn't really afford to have any tests done, which I would think would be necessary to really figure out what's going on. It's certainly not life threatening, just frustrating. In the last 2 weeks, I have had probably 4 days when it was really bad, painful and weakening, and really affecting my productivity level. I tried to look online some to figure it out, but didn't come up with much. I suppose I am just writing about it now to chronicle when it started, to see later if it goes away, or gets worse or whatever. I just want it to go away. Right now, it just feels like there's a stick through my chest on my left side front to back, and it gets worse when I take a deep breath. My shoulder is aching, my arm and hand feel funny, cold and heavy. Maybe it will just go away, that would be great.

I have been all into making soup ever since I had that great soup at Misty's awhile back. Saturday I tried my hand at making chicken noodle, but it definitely has something lacking. I don't really know what, though. I will make some cabbage tomatoe, zucchini soup later this week. I love soup, it's really cheap to make, it's super good for us, everyone will eat it and it lasts a long time. Yummy! :)

I should probably go, I need to get things picked up and I will try not to succumb to just laying on my heating pad and reading "Little Dorrit" in my bedroom. We'll see! :P

I feel loved.....:)

My mom sent a Valentine's day package for us all. In George's little goodie bag was a small chocolate heart. Anyone who knows me know I rarely give my children sweets, so having any is always a special treat, especially to George who has a huge sweet tooth. (just like his mother...;) George carefully unwrapped his chocolate heart. Then he ran over to me and said "Mama, this heart means 'I love you'!" I said I knew that and that means that Grammy loves him because she sent it to him. Then, he held it out and said "But Mama, I want to give this heart to you." I said "Are you sure?" trying not to break into sentimental tears right on the spot. He said "Yeah, because it means that I love you." :)

It's Monday morning. I am staying online this morning because my first ebay auction is ending in a little while and I want to be online in case anyone asks a question or anything. Misty has been of instrumental help in all of this, and again, I am thankful for her.

I had such a relaxing day yesterday. Sleeping in, naps in the afternoon, and kids to bed early, then Nate made a fire and I just laid in front of it and read, it was dreamy. I love having him home two days in a row, although I know it will just make me miss him more when things really get busy soon.

Esther and Jeremiah are officially approved and waiting to hear back from a case worker with two potential files for them. One, a set of three month old twins, a boy and a girl, and one a single three month old boy. Esther was telling us yesterday about the great need for foster parents in Coweta county, and that there is a sibling group of 5!! girls, sisters all between the ages of 2 and 7, up for adoption. Talk about an instant family. I told Nate maybe we should just get fixed, move to a bigger house and adopt them. He just smiled. I wish we were in a position to do that. Wow.

We are starting our new Bible study on Thursday. I am excited and dreading it at the same time. It looks like a really indepth and good one, akin to The Excellent Wife. There was so much that the Lord tested me on while we were going through that study, I don't know if I am ready for even more to be accountable for. Not that it's not stuff I don't already know, it's just that there was so much heartache on the way to growth that happened before. It makes me wonder what the Lord has in store. It's like I wrote about before, if it were up to me, no one, including myself, would ever go through those hard times, but the faith building experiences are usually hard, there's no way around that. I need to just lay it al lbefore the Lord and give up trying to accomplish things in my own strength.

I am so far behind on laundry, it's not even funny. The basket in the boys room has more clean laundry in it than there is in their drawers and closet, and in my room, it's everywhere!! And the laundry bags are full again needing to be washed. Sigh..I guess I should just be thankful that we are so blessed to have so many clothes and to have a good washer and dryer. I really am thankful.

Grace is standing in a chair beside me pretending to talk on a play phone. Her little eyebrows keep going up, she looks so funny. Jer and Esther brought us a package of cookies yesterday from Publix bakery, and as of last night, there were three big chocolate chip pecan cookies left. When we got up this morning, there was a half of one in the broken package sitting next to a sticky little Ian. Then later, I found him sucking the honey out of the honey bear!! You don't think that child has a sweet tooth at all, do you?!?!? I'd better get some of that laundry put away before I need to start on lunch prep.

I just had to share this...Dh is playing "Worst Case Scenario" with George, who is four. The questions are like "What do you do if you are caught in a brush fire?" or "What is the best way to survive a bear attack?" Things like that. Well, Nathan was asking George the questions and when it got to Nate's turn, George, (who can't read) would pretend to read off the card and make something up. On Nate's first turn, George said "Okay, Daddy, you're walking and you see a mountain...should you climb it?" The next turn, George says (completely seriously) "You're in the sea and an alligator eats you...should you close your eyes?" I laughed so loud!!!!

It is Thursday. Tonight we are going out to eat in lieu of Bible study, because we are switching studies and don't have our new books yet. And I just went out to eat on Sunday and Saturday and holy cow am I spoiled!!!! Saturday, Nathan had the day off (The third in a row Saturday off, love it, love it!!) and in the afternoon we went to see "The End of the Spear" and to supper. I can not recommend this movie highly enough. It was beautifully done, heartwrenching, and although it didn't have quite as clear of a Gospel presentation, knowing the whole story seemed to fill in the blanks. It is the story of the 5 missionaries killed by Waudani indians in South America told from the perspective of Nate Saint's son, Steve. It goes on from there to follow the lives of the natives involved years before and years after the incident and chronicles their journey to salvation and Steve's own realization of who killed his father and his forgiveness anew. Bring tissues, you will cry.

Last night was Awana, and again I was struck with the reality of how much we all need the Lord, and in such different ways. I teach the 5th and 6th grade girls, and just seeing how God makes Himself alive to them and meets their needs, along with my needs and all the needs and desires and problems and concerns of everyone is just baffling. He truly has given us all we need that pertains to life and godliness, and the amazing thing is that that is so different for everyone. He meets us where we are, with what He would have us to do and helps us each get there in our own way, according to how He made us. Truly our God is an awesome God.

I have been failing dismally at my semi commitment to eating better and exercising. My mom and I had said we were going to keep each other accountable and encouraged and I think I've gained 2 lbs since then. I don't care so much about the weight (I don't even own a scale) but I just want to feel strong again, and fit into the clothes that I have. And you know, rock hard abs wouldn't be a bad thing either! :P Not that that is anything I have ever had or really hope to have but, it's certainly a goal worth striving for, and one that I cannot hope to get close to without some real work on my part. I have the time, I can make the time, I just need to get off my butt and move!! I have exercise videos, several that are good and that are just collecting dust at this point. If I would get up in the morning, I would have plenty of time to do them. Or I could do it at night. Nathan even asked me the other night if I could get one piece of exercise equipment, what would it be? I said probably a stair stepper or a treadmill that could incline. He said we could put it in the computer room and I could be on it in the evening while he's on the computer. Sounded great to me. I used to love the stair stepper machines in the workout room at college. They were my favorite. I'm sure there are lots of other new and better machines out there now, I just don't know anything about them. Of course, if time, money and child care weren't issues, I would totally join a gym. I love going to the gym, using all the different equipment, weights, etc, I would love that. But, there is no way Nate would pay for that, and really no way I can see that I could arrange that even if he were willing to pay for it. How did I get talking about that?

Sometimes I feel as though this blog is made up of useless drivel, the wanderings of my short attention span, and really isn't accomplishing much good. Oh well, it makes me feel better anyway! :P I should go put laundry away, before there gets to be more out of the drawers than in....

It's been way too long since I have blogged. It's Wednesday morning. The kids are fed, changed, dressed, and playing behind me. I've got three loaves of bread rising and the dishes are done. I went through all the toys last night and reorganized, threw out and seperated a bunch to give away. Monday Misty and her sweet munchkins came over and played. Misty helped me take pictures and get my ebay selling account all set up. I was so thankful, she helped so much. Now I just have to get the rest of my stuff set up and up for sale! The kids had so much fun. When they left, George said "That little Josiah isn't shy anymore! He likes to play with me now!" Here daughters were so sweet. Grace just grinned and kept hiding behind her hair. Cami is such an incredible help with the little kids!! She was wonderful!!

I was talking to a man from church the other night after Awana and he said their 14 year old daughter makes all their bread now, and that from the time their kids were three, his wife started training them to clean the bathroom and dust and do other chores. They weren't done very well at first, for a few years even, but the training was in place and then by the time they were 6 or so, they were so used to doing it and were actually good at it. I should really start doing that more with George. The kids already know how to pick up their toys and books of course, but I haven't branched out much more past that. George does put away the laundry in his room, (and yes it is very messy, but hey, it's in drawers and put away!) I could probably start training them to help more with dishes maybe, or sweeping. I too often just think. "Oh, I could do it so much faster and I don't want to take the time to teach them and have them do it badly.." but if I don't teach it now, by the time they get old enough to do it well, they probably won't want to!

Last night I started reading the book that Krista and Miss Mike gave me for my birthday last year. It's called "The Mom you were meant to be." It's really good, simple short chapters on several key issues that Biblically encourage you to enjoy your kids, get to know them individually, love them, listen to them, and slow down and stop stressing out. It was so what I needed to read. It was written by a mom with three kids close together, two boys and a girl, just like me. She was a grandmother when she wrote the book, so had the wealth of experience and hindsight in her favor. It really is so hard to believe everyone that says slow down and enjoy it, it will go by so quickly, but I know they are right. Some days I get so overwhelmed, but I know if I could go back to this time in 20 years, I would do it in a heartbeat. It's beautiful chaos.

I have got the decorating bug. I found a wallpaper that I want to put in the kitchen, but it is way too expensive. I have been looking for it online at other places but I am afraid the Country House is the only place that sells it. I think we will paint the boys room this weekend. And I think there will be enought paint left over to do the hall bathroom, too. I found a border I like for the living room. I just want to paint everything!!! The walls now are so scuffed and yuck with that super flat paint that shows every little mark. And it's all beige!! I really want to get some color in here! I still don't have curtains in any room but the boys room, either. All in good time..and money. I hate to spend money on things we don't need, but Nate doesn't mind.

Well, I must run, laundry and kidcare awaits. Have a blessed day!!

Two days ago, a miracle happened in my house. In a quiet room, all by himself, my little 4 year old son told Jesus he was sorry for his sins, that he knew he needed to be saved, and nobody else could save him and asked Jesus to save him and let him go to Heaven someday. Then he ran out and said "Mama, I asked Jesus to save me from my sins and I really think He answered my prayer!"

We had been talking about things for quite some time, as George has been learning different verses in Cubbies and at home and has over the past few months begun to understand the reality of the gospel. Last Friday night I think was the first time he fully understood that Jesus was the only way to Heaven, that only Jesus could have paid the punishment for his and my and everyone else's sins, and that no one else could ask Jesus to save him, but him. He knew about Hell, and seperation from God, and that if you don't accept God's present to us of His Son taking the punishment for our sins, then we would go to Hell. This was a subject that I had steered clear of, frankly just because I didn't really know what to tell him exactly, and didn't really think he was ready for it all, but a 5 year old friend told him all about it on Friday, and expounded quite efficiently on Jesus' sacrifice for us. This had spurred George on to ask a lot of questions and he had even said that night that he wanted to ask Jesus to save him, but he didn't know how. This is the boy who usually prays the same stock prayer, be it at a meal, bedtime, or whenever. So, that night I had told him what he could say, but he was still reluctant. I had been very careful to just present the facts and stress that it was his decision. I didn't want him praying a prayer or "making a decision" simply because he thought I wanted him to. I could tell that night that he was struggling with it, and wanted to ask Jesus to save him, but wasn't quite ready. He wanted me to do it for him, or Daddy. I explained that only he could do it, it was a choice everyone has to make for themselves. I didn't say anymore about it, but just prayed.

Then on Monday afternoon, when he got up from his nap, he greeted me with those precious words. We talked then and I asked him some questions to try to make sure that he understood. He was very excited and of course, so was I after I did believe that his understanding and decision were genuine. We prayed together and thanked God for sending his son and Jesus for saving him. I told him that God had just written his name in the book of life, (we had read that passage from Revelation a few days ago) and that the angels were so happy and having a party because they were so excited that he was a Christian now and that he would be in Heaven someday.

Yesterday we went to the Bible bookstore to try to find a good children's Bible. I found some good ones for children, but the translations looked pretty out there. George had been trying to follow the pastor's chapter and verses in church on Sunday with the pew Bible, saying that his Bible didn't have numbers. He asked if he could take that Bible home because he really needed one with real numbers in it. I finally found one online that I will order for him. It's called the Children's Rainbow Bible. It's got lots of beautiful illustrations and charts as well as a children's dictionary in it, and it is a real Bible, not just a collection of paraphrased stories. George is very excited to get it in the mail.

It all seems sort of unreal to me. I didn't really think that at this point in my child's life, he would be ready to make this, the most important of decisions. It thrills my soul, and at the same time adds a whole new realm of responsibility to my parenting. In a way, though, it also brought a sad realization to light.

After George and I had talked and prayed, we called Grammy in Maine and George excitedly told her his news. She started crying happy tears and asked him some questions and they talked for awhile. Then he called Grandma and there were more happy talks. Then we called Daddy. George talked first, told him his news and there was a short pause on George's end while Nate replied. Then George said "Daddy, it is cool!" Then nothing. George waited a minute or so and then said "Okay I love you, bye-bye." Then handed the phone to me. Well, he tried, but Ian grabbed the phone and babbled for a few seconds and then said Bye and handed the phone to me. When I got Nate on the phone he sounded as deadpan and irritated as ever when I call him at work and shortly said "Okay, I've got to go, I'll see you later." He got home about 20 minutes before the kids went to bed and after the children were in bed I asked him if he was excited about George's news. He shrugged his shoulders and said "I don't know" When I questioned him further he said he wondered if George really understood. I told him all I had asked George and that he had told me and the fact that he had prayed, all by himself, not at anyone's prompting, and that I really thought it was genuine. He just nodded and said "Well, good" and then got on the computer.

Perhaps he just reacts to things differently than I do. I know that he does. But it really did just dismay me to see his lack of excitement or even apparent interest in the immortal soul of his child. I so often don't have any idea what is going on in his head, and this is one of those times I would really give a lot to be able to know exactly what he's thinking. Maybe I'm making too much out of him not making much of it. Maybe there is a lesson to be learned here for me, but it just seems to scream to me what I already know at the periphery of my attention. Spiritual things don't seem to matter to him. And again, I should not be expecting him to react or to act like I do. It just disheartens me, and reemphasizes to me that I am on my own, or rather, that I am only to rely on my Heavenly Father in the spiritual leading and teaching of our children. And isn't that what we are all to do?

I've spent a lot of time in prayer this morning, thanking God for George's understanding and asking for His help in guiding and being an example to my baby, who is now a baby Christian. I know He cares for George and me and my family even more than I do, and I take a lot of comfort in that fact and in the ever present availability of His strength.

If you are reading this, please scroll down first and read about Nate's dream, I think it's beautiful.

I just read Misty's blog and I think she tagged me!! I don't really know what this means, but I think I have to answer the questions she just answered, so here goes"

Four jobs you’ve had in your life:

Waitress
House painter
Library worker, (but, I liked to call myself "Goddess of the Books")
Medical secretary

Four movies you would watch over and over:

Star Wars, any of the original three
Wizard of Oz
Princess Bride
Star Trek VI

Four places you have lived:

Willimantic, ME
Colorado Springs, CO
Pensacola, FL
Newnan, GA

Four TV shows you love to watch:

Um, I don't really watch TV now, but I used to like....

Star Trek
Friends
Andy Griffith
Mister Rogers :)

Four websites you visit daily:

I don't visit any websites daily anymore, but when I do, it's..

Misty's blog
My blog
Karen Isherwood's blog
W@H

Four of your favorite foods:

My mother's pizza
My father's cinnamon rolls
My bread
Anything chocolate

Four places you would rather be right now:

I love being home, but as long as we're imagining...

Climbing Borestone Mtn.
Canoeing Greenwood Pond
Laying on the beach in Pensacola
Sitting in front of a fire in a cabin with just my husband

Four bloggers you are tagging:

Um, I don't even think four bloggers read my blog, but...

Cheri
Nattie
Dana
Stephanie

Heaven

Nathan had a dream the other night. He dreamt that he was being chased by a terrible monster, and the monster caught him. Then, he realized that his body was done for, so he left, he just floated up, and as soon as he was out of sight of his body, he realized how blue the sky was and how bright the sun was. He could see the earth beneath him, green and beautiful, and growing smaller as he floated higher and higher. Then, he looked up. He saw the bottom of the clouds, golden and full of light, and realized that Heaven was just beyond. Then, he woke up. He said nothing specific woke him up, he said it was almost as if God said "Nope, you can't see any further just yet..."

After he told me about his dream he said "What if that's what it's like? You don't really die at all, you just go on living without your body. It was as if the earth was a great weight tied to my feet, and as soon as I was free from it, it was amazing. I think that's how it will be."

This morning in church we sang one of my favorite songs, "Be Thou My Vision." The last verse says "...High King of heaven, my victory won, May I reach heaven's joys, O bright heav'ns Son! Heart of my own heart, whatever befall, Still be my vision, O ruler of all." Nate's voice caught and his eyes filled with tears. Then he looked meaningfully at George, sitting between us. George is coming very close to realizing the truth of the Gospel. He's been asking lots of questions lately, and he and Nate talked about it at bedtime for a long time the other night. It makes Heaven more of a reality, I think, to imagine being there with your children.

This is the picture I put with the New Year's letter. 

I wanted to do black and white pictures of the kids again, since my sil had framed some of them this time last year. I love this wise, mischeivous look on George's face. 

Here was us at the church Christmas dinner. 

Ian's smiley face...:) 

Here is the of sassy Gracie. I love the dimples. 

You know, it could probably be filled under "really pretty shabby things to do" to have a beautiful wonderful Christmas holiday, two glorious weeks of having Nate around all the time, wonderful memory making times in the beautiful snow of Maine and then never even give it a passing mention in blogworld. I do have a reason for my delay. (And it is just a delay, not an omission.) I stupidly forgot my digital camera in Maine, and I wanted to ship the cable to my mother for her to download the pictures onto her computer before she shipped it back to me just in case of some weird scanning device at a post office somewhere erasing all the pictures. And, I wanted to post pictures, a lot of them, to go with my words about being in Maine, seeing all of my crazy family, etc. However, I will do what I did last year and cut and paste my New Year's letter in here, though, just for posterity. Here it is:

Happy New Year! I'm sure everyone was inundated with glittering, beautiful Christmas cards before the New Year, and well, I just didn't want you to have to cruise over our news amidst the flood of holiday greetings, so I opted to do a New Year's letter instead. (Not to mention that I totally ran out of time to do Christmas cards.....)

2005 was a growing and wonderful year for our family. Nate's busy season at work started with a bang in the spring. His responsibilities and scope of commitments seem to grow every year, as well as his ability to handle it all expertly. His faithfulness to what the Lord has called him to in his job is exceptional.

It would take up this whole letter to put down all the ways the Lord orchestrated our move this summer, but suffice it to say that it was all His leading and provision that blessed us with a beautiful new home right next door to Nate's family, and also provided renters from our church for our little house in Whitesburg. We have so enjoyed living right next to "Grandpa and Grandma", as well as Caleb and Ross. They are a continual blessing to us.

In July, we celebrated Ian's 2nd birthday and at the end of the month there was a trip up to Maine for Grace and Charity to celebrate my parent's 30th wedding anniversary. We surprised them with the party and with our visit. It was wonderful to be able to see everyone and to show some small appreciation for the incredible blessing of my parents and their love for each other and our family.

In August we had a wonderful time when my parents came down to Georgia. We also celebrated our sixth wedding anniversary by leaving all the kids with "Grammy and Grampy" and going to spend a night in a little cabin in Pine Mountain. It was the first time we had gone away without having children with us or having any on the way. It was great to be able to have that time alone to reflect on how far the Lord has brought us, through struggles and joys to draw us closer to each other.

This fall I had the privilege to help my dear friend Amy in the birth of their 4th precious baby boy. It was truly an amazing experience. We also added to our family, with the adoption of our sweet beagle, Boscoe. Fall also brought several trips as a family. In September we spent the weekend at a cabin in North Georgia, and at the beginning of November we trekked down to Orlando for the National Pool and Spa convention. We spent a night at Hilton Head island on the way down, compliments of another timeshare tour free hotel stay. We decided that November is definitely the time to go to Florida, the weather was beautiful and it was off-season, so our rental house for the week was a great deal. Nate even finagled us discount tickets to DisneyWorld. That was a wonderful and truly magical day, we all had so much fun and made some great memories. As much as Mickey Mouse impressed us, though, we all enjoyed just being together as a whole family infinitely more. During the busy spring and summer, Nate has to be away from home so much, it is always great to be able to just be together as a family in the fall and winter.At the end of November, Nate's brother Scott, wife Mandi, and beautiful daughter Lily came to stay with us for a week and we celebrated Thanksgiving and had an early Christmas with the Buchan clan. It was a wonderful time together, made even more exciting by the announcement of another baby on the way for Scott and Mandi.

Of course, December was a very busy month, with Grace's 1st birthday, Christmas parties and everything here, and then packing up and driving to Maine, where we celebrated George's 4th birthday, Christmas and had a wonderful time with the Buchanan clan and all the relatives and dear friends up there. We had Christmas dinner in the new Buchanan camp on Greenwood Pond. The kids, (okay, and Nate and I too) had a great time playing in the snow. It was so beautiful up there, with the crystal snow sparkling in the sun and the cold air making our breath steam. George was especially impressed with this, and declared himself a dragon the first time he noticed it. On our trip back, Nate decided to do a grand cities tour and drove through Boston, New York, Providence and Philadelphia, where we were even in time for a tour of Independence Hall and got to see the Liberty Bell. It was a wonderful trip, and though we were sad to leave family and friends, we were very glad to be back in our home here in Georgia. Now for my favorite part of the letter, where I talk about my beautiful children...

It's hard to believe that I am 4 years into this great adventure called motherhood, and my little George is now a little man. George is a very methodical little boy and likes to do things the same way. Even his prayers are usually the same. "Dear Jesus, thankyou for our food, keep Daddy safe, keep everything away, and please help Jesus to put a shell outside., Amen." We're not sure what the shell is about, but it brings a smile to our faces every time we hear his repetitive but earnest supplications. George has greatly enjoyed being an Awana Cubbie this year, and remembers about every verse he has learned thus far. Sometimes I have a hard time keeping up with his thirst for knowledge and wish I could have more time just teaching him. But, he fills the role of big brother wonderfully. He is a great help to me, and enjoys being almost another parent to his two little siblings. He adores his "sister-baby" Grace and loves helping to take care of her, and he and Ian are inseparable playmates and best friends.

Ian is still a smiling whirlwind of laughing, climbing, running wild fun. It has been fun to see his verbal development in the last year as he has moved beyond just repeating George's phrases to coming up with thoughts and words of his own. He is still George's copycat, though, and it is so cute to see them together, and hear Ian's version of whatever "grown-up" speech George has just given. Ian remains as affectionate as ever, and will sometimes even stop a tantrum to fulfill a request for a kiss. He loves to do puzzles and draw and read books, although he still has a hard time sitting still through a whole story.

Grace is becoming more of a precocious toddler everyday, instead of a cuddly baby. She has six teeth, which she will show off to you in a huge grin if you smile at her. She has no interest in walking yet, but prefers to climb everything in sight instead. If there is music on she will be dancing, and she loves to look at books and to draw every chance she gets. She is funny and sweet and just has a look in her eye that makes you think there is a whole lot more going on in her fuzzy blonde little head than meets the eye. I can't believe it has been over a year since she was born, our surprise baby, but a very welcome surprise for sure.

I am still greatly enjoying and learning from my ladies Bible study and also helping in Awana on Wednesdays. As always, I am striving towards being a better wife and mother, even though at times, the journey seems more filled with steps backwards than forwards. Amidst it all, though, there is a peace that comes from knowing I am doing exactly what the Lord has called me to. I thank God that I have been given the opportunity and honor to be home and to make my home a refuge for my hardworking husband, and to see all my children's moments, to be the one they run to, the one they talk to first. Nothing else gives me more joy and peace. I hope you also know the joy and peace that comes from knowing the Lord and following His leading. Nothing else can compare to it. You are all in our hearts and in our prayers.
Love, Nathan, Charity, George, Ian and Grace

So, there it is. I was trying to put in the picture that I put at the end of the letter, but I will probably just end up Hello-ing it after this.

I have been so incredibly tired and worn down lately. I think I need to do a real detox in my diet, I know I just have never recovered from eating sugar all the time over Christmas. And, I think I may be on the road to weaning little Gracie. :( She hardly ever wants to nurse anymore, and when she does, she doesn't bite, but just the way her teeth are now just cut into me so bad, I have four perfect little teethmarks on my nipples for about an hour after she nurses. Yowch!! That's anything but pleasant, and of course just makes me want to wean her, even though I really had planned on nursing her longer. The boys both lost interest in nursing at about 13 months, too, but I thought that had more to do with me being pregnant. And I am not pregnant right now!! In fact, I feel pms-y and am having ovarian pain and all kind of weirdness, but again, I think it's just diet crappyness.

I did something I have never done before last night. I had had another in a succession of exhausting, (physically and emotionally) days, and I just wanted to leave. So, I did. I called my mother in law at about 4:45 in the afternoon and asked her if she could take the kids until Nathan got home. She was very happy to and told me to bring them right over. And then, I left. I drove around by myself, I went to Hastings and bought a book, I went to Goodwill and took a really long time looking closely at breakable things, and just enjoyed the sound of silence. It was amazing. I resisted the sudden urge to buy a pack of cigarettes and smoke them all slowly. (I don't know where that came from, except some small vestige of that being equated with stress relief.) I went to a Chinese buffet restaurant and ate dinner and read my book all by myself, then I went to several more stores and easily went from car to store and looked at whatever I wanted to, for however long I wanted to, all by myself. I went to Target and bought a shirt with the word "Simplify" on the front of it. I thought it was perfect. I got home at about 9:30, to my sympathetic husband's arms. It was a truly unique experience. Nathan says I should do it more often.

Today, I made it my sole objective to hang out with my kids, and that is what we did. We watched movies together, played together, read a lot of books, had some good talks, memorized some verses, ate very simple to prepare and pretty nutritionless food together, and just generally got along. You know, if I could just make that my sole objective every day, I wouldn't get so overwhelmed. I wouldn't be so stressed out. I wouldn't wake up in the morning and have to fight off angry tears thinking of all I will battle that day. I think something drastic has to change, has to give in my parenting, my attitude, or something. I just don't feel like things are working out very well. I feel very conflicted. On the one hand, I feel increasingly deeply the need for me to be an efficient homemaker, maintaining a clean, well-ordered home with chores done systematically, errands run efficiently and with minimal cost, and children's health and well-being cared for. On the other hand, are days like today. When I don't worry about any of that, and just play with and love on my kids and end up with a dirty, cluttered, unkept house with no meals prepared, no necessary errands run, no plans made or carried out, which of course is unstustainable on a long term basis anyway. My problem is, I don't know how to find the balance and struggling between these two is wearing me out. I think I strive too much towards the first, but I come so far from ever attaining it, I feel an immense sense of failure all the time. I wonder how on earth other women do it, and wonder what I am lacking that I cannot even come close. Anyway, these are the things I am struggling with. Not so much in an angry, tense stressed out sort of way. I am kind of beyond that. It's more like in a quiet, resigned, on the edge of shutdown kind of a way. I left last night because if I had stayed with my children, in my home, any longer, I would have just curled up on the floor and cried, or at least that's what I was feeling. Maybe the Lord is just bringing my weakness before my eyes more clearly so that I will cry out to Him for His strength. That is certainly what I need.