Thursday

I can't believe it's Thursday already. We are meeting at Golden't tonight for Bible study. I think it's Tammy's favorite place. I could take it or leave it. But, the fellowship, I could not leave. It has really become a sustaining force in my life, the camaraderie between us of like precious faith in the Bible study. I have learned so incredibly much, not only from the things we have studied, but from the amazing women in our group. Tammy, with her humble, teachable spirit, and endearing, wonderful ways; Misy, whose wit just leaves me spinning, and whose desire for the Lord, and honesty before us and Him is so refreshing and inspiring; Suzanne, her sweet caring spirit, and quiet wisdom and obedience; Krista, her exuberant personality, and deep commitment to Biblically fulfilling her role; Miss Mike, a gentle fount of everflowing love and grace, she teaches without even opening her mouth, and when she does, the truths of the Lord are magnified. We are all so differant, yet united in our common goals of striving towards being the women God would have us to be, encouraging each other and edifying each other on our seperate but sometimes overlapping paths. We are reading right now "Calm my Anxious Heart." Just in the first chapters, the Lord has really opened my eyes to truths that I had known in my head, but not in my heart, and it was as if I were reading and really understanding these things for the first time. How I am ashamed now, of the too often times when I arrogently thought that I had better plans for my life than the Lord did. Almighty God, Who created every cell of my being, Whose thoughts are above my thoughts, as the Heavens are above the earth, Who had plans for my life before it even began; God, the source of all wisdom and love in the universe, how could I presume to believe that I know a better way than He? It is an affront to God, a slap in the blood stained face of Jesus on the cross for me to not be content with my circumstances, for me not to joy and glory and be thankful over every little thing that His hand brings into my blessed life. This last chapter was called "Content to be me." I knew it would be a hard one for me to accept, but again, the Lord just laid my eyes and my heart open before Him and able to take in what He had for me. This was the most revolutionary part of the book for me thus far. Although the Lord has taken me leaps and bounds from where I once was in the area of self loathing and wanting to take the life that the Lord had given me, yet I still have sooo far to go. Nathan's imapatience with my self-centered criticalness of my body and my personality has always been a point of contention between us. I have gotten so much better about keeping my disparaging thoughts about myself to myself, but the ingrained thought patterns are still there. It has never been fair to my husband to constantly put down the woman that he chose. How attracted to me is he supposed to be if never act attractive? He has told me many times, that it would be so much more attractive to him, if I just had more confidance in myself. Once he put it this way, "It would really be great if you acted like you just might be too good for me." I laughed when he said it, and I know it was half joking on his part, but the underlying truth was there. Now, that doesn't even begin to take into account the evilness of this attitude before the Lord. As much of an affront to God as it is to be discontent with my circumstances, it is exponentially more to be discontent with the person that he made me. "We are His workmanship.." His loving care formed me, and like clay in the master potter's hands, he made me into the exact shape that He deemed best. Not acceptable, good enough, or "well, that'll do alright," but BEST! He knew what He was doing when He made my ears stick out, and my ribs be funny, and the hundred other physical and personality features that were given to me. God made me just the way He wanted me, and my not accepting that and joyfully making the most of it is a sin. "I am fearfully and wonderfuly made, marvelous are thy works, and that my soul knoweth very well." That is our memory verse for this week, and although I have heard it and read it so many times, this time, the Lord has really let it permeate my thinking. It is such a joy, the only true joy, to be liberated from sin. Specifically here, the sin of discontentment with myself. Joy is the only word I can think of to adequately describe it. Oh, Lord, please let me not fall back into the sins which so easily beset me, but continue to lead me on this path towards you, towards being more Christlike. Thankyou for loving me so infinitely and encouraging and enabling my journey towards righteousness. I love you.